Note to Sake: No, the last chapter wasn't the end of the story. This story ends on April 27, 2024 when I publish the 100th chapter.

Chapter 91: Carrots and Love

Upon entering Heero's apartment, the smell of curry greeted Duo. He couldn't help smiling. He knew exactly what curry meant, and toed off his shoes by the door, glancing around for his partner. Curry was symbolic of finally decompressing after a tough mission. Curry was an act of care and love. When he didn't see Heero, he spoke loudly enough to be heard no matter where he was.

"I'm sorry. You're right that I was smothering you, and I was so exhausted I couldn't handle myself."

He didn't see signs of Heero in the living room, so he wandered into the kitchen, still keeping is voice loud.

"And it was mean of me, though not entirely wrong, to call you a liar. The way I was being, anyone would grow tired of. You did the same to me after HQ and I lost my cool at you, so I should've realized while I was coddling you that the tables were turned, but I didn't."

No Heero in the kitchen, though he did confirm the curry was still on low heat, the rice was done, and tea was brewing. That left the bedroom and bathroom.

"Thank you for getting me out and making me socialize when I didn't want to."

Not in the bathroom, so he turned to the bedroom.

"I lost myself when I found out you were shot like that."

Not in the bedroom, either. Confused, he slowly made his way back to the living room. His heart was pounding when he continued to speak, quite afraid of vocalizing the next part.

"I've seen you injured, but never like that, not even during the wars. To have that happen, in a time when we're supposed to be living in peace... I've never loved anyone like I love you, the thought of losing you now, after everything, I just..."

No Heero. He looked around the empty apartment. The stove was on, he could smell that. Heero wouldn't just leave the stove on when he wasn't home. And he still wasn't supposed to be walking without crutches. Where were his crutches?

"Heero?"

A head of messy hair popped up from behind the sofa and Duo nearly jumped. He watched as Heero adjusted himself into an upright position.

"Duo? I was just laying down for a few minutes and must have dozed off with these meds. Did you say something?"

Caught off guard, he wasn't sure what to do. Repeat everything? He was pretty emotional now, and didn't particularly want to start over, but if he had to—

"Duo."

It wasn't like he couldn't say it all again. He wouldn't mean it any less the second time around, but it would feel oddly rehearsed and he was a little proud of himself for expressing how he felt so freely just then. He felt good from the moment he woke up and things seemed to be falling into place, but if Heero needed him to—

"Duo!"

His attention twitched back to Heero. He hadn't even realized he'd drifted.

"I'm joking. I heard the whole thing."

It took a moment for Duo to realize what was happening. His eyes grew wide.

"You bastard! I thought—"

"Come on, it was pretty funny."

"Fuck you! I wait years for you to express your sense of humor and this is what I get as a result? I get teased and tormented by you? Is that my future now? You wait until I'm most vulnerable and you pull shit like this?"

Duo's words were harsh, but his tone was light and his smile brilliant. Heero felt the warmth and love behind it.

"You look much better today."

"Sleep'll do that. I crashed for 10 hours, though it felt like the blink of an eye."

Heero gestured for Duo to approach. His eyes shifted a little brighter when he got a good look at his partner. Not only was he glad that Trowa was right, and Duo returned, but Trowa was right that Duo finally rested. He was worried about exhaustion, and how his baka would inevitably burn out. But he also knew their apologies should go two ways.

"I was frustrated by my injuries, and took that out on you. I never meant that I was tired of you, only that I was tired of being reminded of my limitations. For that I'm sorry."

Duo tilted his head a little to one side and studied him with a grin.

"It's cool. I know I gotta dote on you less."

"Yes, but... I've never had anyone really take care of me, outside of you. At least not with love as the driving force. I do actually enjoy it, to a degree. I just get overwhelmed after a while. You love me, and every day I know that. But when I see such obvious evidence of that love, when I'm not at my best and you're relentless in making sure I'm as comfortable as I can be and that I want for nothing... it can be difficult to process. But that's not to say I want you to stop. While you can feel free to reel it in some when I'm overwhelmed, I don't ever want you to stop caring."

The grin on Duo's face shifted into a sweet smile.

"I know. And I won't."

The assurance filled Heero with relief he didn't know he needed.

"Good. Because I think it's sweet how upset you get on my behalf."

Duo's eyes intensified.

"Oh, and you wouldn't be upset if I was shot in the chest like a goddamn rookie?"

Heero couldn't stop himself from smiling back.

"You think just because I didn't say anything that no one told me you were shot twice in the chest while protecting Relena, you rookie?"

"Mine didn't injure me."

"Mine used armor piercing rounds!"

"Yeah. And you went down like a first year cadet. I thought you were better trained than that. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about you so much. Guess I was wrong."

The look on Heero's face was a combination of surprise, amusement, and confusion.

"Armor. Piercing. Rounds."

"Yeah. I know."

"It collapsed one of my lungs!"

"Yeah. I know."

"How the hell am I going to avoid that, Duo?"

"By not getting shot in the first place, baka."

Heero let out a snort as he tried not to laugh, which triggered Duo to do the same. He held his arms out and signaled an open invitation for a hug. Once Duo was within range Heero grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. The lack of hesitation from Duo, who immediately engaged his embrace even with the awkward position of Heero sitting on the couch and him standing, left him feeling smug.

Duo pulled an acrobatic maneuver that would make Trowa proud when he balanced himself to somehow not step on the crutches Heero left lying on the floor by his feet. He was leaning over in a precarious position, nothing to brace against, and managing to remain steady without putting his weight onto his partner. Heero was a little impressed. He was also undeniably happy. While he hated seeing his baka in pain, he certainly appreciated the opportunity to use displays of affection to help heal him.

There was no expectation on his part for sex, particularly with Duo's paranoia about his injuries, but that didn't stop him from kissing his way down to Duo's jaw. He threaded a hand into chestnut hair and licked and suckled his way towards Duo's ear. There was a sensitive spot there, and when he reached it Duo reflexively laughed in a way Heero knew he couldn't control.

Some people were ticklish on their sides, or behind the knee. For Duo that spot was on his neck, just under the ear. The caress of fingers only made him shiver, but kisses? He rarely could control his laughter with Heero's lips upon that spot.

In a husky voice Heero declared "I'm happy you're here" as he leaned further into that tempting juncture and practically buried his face in Duo's long hair.

Still affected by how ticklish he was, Duo's voice was a bit higher than usual as he breathlessly responded, "Me, too."

Reluctantly, Heero released him. Duo straightened back to stand, gazing down at him with a smile in his eyes. That was what Heero was missing since the hospital. Joy in Duo's eyes.

"Well, we established that you look better. But how are you feeling?"

"More equipped to face things. Definitely better than before." Duo stretched a hand out to brush his knuckles against his lips, then tucked the same hand behind his head, scratching his scalp roughly. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, his mood sobering up as he did. "Do me a favor, though? Next time tell me to my face when I'm driving you nuts. I needed to hear that, and was mostly just hurt overhearing you say something about me that I wasn't equipped to face yet to someone else... You know. Before sayin it to me."

"Okay. That's a very reasonable request. I can accommodate that."

"And it was startling because I guess I never think of myself as important enough for other people to talk about. I couldn't wrap my head around being the subject of a discussion when I'm not in the room or participating."

"You're very important to me and to everyone else who loves you."

Duo heard the affection in Heero's voice and looked up to see it mirrored in the man's eyes.

"Heero... Truth is I'm not doing so great right now. That storminess is back, and it's more intense than ever. It's..." The change in Heero's eyes came as a surprise, and he realized his words scared his partner shitless. "Hey, don't look at me that way. This isn't something to merit that look. Let me finish before you jump to a conclusion."

With painfully visible effort, Heero relaxed himself and focused on Duo.

"The storminess is more intense than ever, but I'm not in the middle of it. Before... back then I was standing outside in the middle, you know? But now I'm just living my life indoors, and it's raging outside. And maybe the power flickers, or the wind gets loud and startling, but I'm okay. And I can live my life, yeah?"

There was a quizzical look on Heero's face that indicated he wasn't entirely trusting Duo's words, but he was trying to. After searching violet depths he softly declared "You don't lie."

Duo smiled faintly.

"That's right. And I'm not running. I don't even want to run. What I want is to talk to you, but I couldn't find words when I was so tired and frankly overwhelmed. And it's still hard to open up, yanno?" He laughed ruefully. "Of course you know. You've already done this work."

Closing the distance between them, he sat beside Heero, who looked much less uneasy. Instead, his expression was loving and full of understanding. Duo turned his body to fully face him, propped his elbow on the back cushion, and rested his face onto his hand.

"Promise I'll tell you about it. Soon. I just need to clear my storm," he tapped his chest with his free hand "and figure out how to express it right. It's too important to mess up just because I haven't slept in days. I do feel better, honest. But I'm still a bit unhinged."

Heero shot him an incredibly sweet smile.

"I can wait for you."

With all his heart, Duo knew he would.

"You made curry."

It wasn't a question, and Heero nodded.

"Make the carrots big?"

"Just the way you like it."

"But you don't like them big."

Heero's eyes sparkled, and Duo felt he wasn't the only one to be recalling a memory from long ago.

"But you do." He leaned closer, not quite enough for a kiss, but closer and inviting nonetheless. "And they're cooked soft enough to cut up with my spoon."

Duo leaned forward as well, pausing as their breath mingled.

"One day you'll appreciate gigantic carrots in stew and curry."

"They're as nonsensical as you, and I certainly have grown to appreciate you, so anything is possible."

"I really fuckin love you, you know?"

Heero let out a small hum before pressing their lips together in a gentle kiss and mumbling against him, his heart aflutter, "Yeah, I know."

It was an ungodly hour of the morning when Heero woke to Duo breathing heavily and holding his arm tightly against his chest. Even in the seconds after waking he understood this was the result of a very bad nightmare, the likes of which he'd not seen from Duo in all the years they were together. While his partner had a history of reaching out for him after nightmares, he'd never grabbed on with such force, and never outwardly displayed his terror to any concerning degree. This was new. His arm was so closely pressed to Duo he could feel the rapid beating of his heart, and he knew that Duo chose to hold only his arm because he was afraid of aggravating recent wounds that were already healed enough not to be a problem.

Words from months ago came back to him.

There's nothing more comforting than knowing you're alive.

Unclear on how to make it more evident he was there, he chose to stretch his neck and place a soft kiss on top of Duo's head rather than pry his arm free to hug him.

It didn't give the results he hoped for.

Duo's breathing became more labored, and he shook, burying his face further into his arm. He was crying. Duo Maxwell was crying, and while Heero knew it was a long time coming and he'd hoped to be there when it happened to give Duo the love and support he needed, he wasn't prepared to find his own eyes instantly burning with tears. Unable to stop himself he placed kiss after kiss into Duo's hair and forced his arm free to pull the braided man into a close embrace.

He understood that Duo was crying from a nightmare, but why was he crying?

When it dawned on him that Duo's pain viscerally hurt him, the depth of his feelings truly hit.

"I love you, Duo. I'm here."

The man in his arms cried harder, so he whispered reassurances, broken only by more kisses atop his head. He wasn't sure how long they held onto each other, but gradually Duo calmed enough to reach up and place a shaky kiss against his jaw.

"I'm sorry, Heero."

Those words made no sense.

"What?" He shifted to try to look Duo in the eyes but it was impossible at their angle. "What can you possibly have to be sorry for?"

The reply was muffled when Duo spoke into his shoulder.

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you, not the other way around."

That hurt, and Heero leaned over but instead of kissing the top of Duo's head he whispered as close to his ear as he could manage, "You take care of me, and I'll take care of you. That's called a partnership. We both give, and we both take. You taught me that." As an afterthought he added "And therapy. Therapy taught me that, too."

He felt Duo's smile against his skin. It wasn't happy. It was painful.

"Why are you like this?"

"What?"

Duo's voice was full of emotion he couldn't place.

"Why are you like this? You're so... You..." He was struggling, but Heero waited patiently. "How did you get so outwardly kind when I know you've been waiting for me to fall apart?"

A tension melted away in Heero's chest. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he was relieved to be asked something he had an answer to.

"Half a lifetime ago, when I was struggling and unwilling to break the bad habits of my training, your endless warmth guided me. Even when you weren't around, that residual warmth gave me strength and courage I couldn't find elsewhere. It just feels right, to try and give you back some of what you've given me."

He once again placed a kiss on Duo's head, then mumbled into his hair.

"When your heart feels cold, I'll warm you."

He felt Duo take in a shaky breath, and ran a hand along his braid. Part of him was as confused as the man in his arms, wondering how and when he became confident in his emotions to the point of being able to give this kind of support. But he wasn't joking when he said it felt right. Everything about caring for Duo felt right. He just hoped it was enough. No matter how much he'd grown, he didn't yet know if he was enough for Duo. And the aftermath of everything that went down on L2 was the most intense test of his ability to support the man he loved imaginable.

In a just world, none of this would've happened. And in an even partially just world, Duo would never face anything this hard again for the rest of his life.

He would not fail him. He loved him too much to fail him.

But he wasn't sure he would succeed.

So when Duo actually opened up rather than deflecting his feelings, it took him a moment to realize what was happening.

"I had a dream about Hilde's death. I don't... I don't dream of the dead, Ro. Never have. Sometimes I dream and startle awake with sadness, like I'm missing something or someone and I have to piece together what that emptiness is, but I never dream of the dead." He took a shaky breath. "But after being there again... when I was there I could just see her on the floor..."

"You lost your best friend, and you went through it all alone. That's not someth—"

"I didn't." Duo's voice was small. He appeared confident, but scared of his own words. "I didn't lose my best friend. I... Sometimes I don't even know if we were friends at all."

"What?"

"It's just. We knew each other a long time but I rarely saw her. I knew she was struggling and I reached out all the time but she didn't usually respond."

"But I thought you talked on the phone every other day."

"Only towards the end. For years I'd email, text, call... she responded sometimes. I tried to be her friend. I wanted to be her friend. And we had a great time when we finally were in the same place together, but for all those years we knew each other if you look at it as a whole we barely interacted."

Heero had no idea where this line of thought came from. It seemed so incongruent with everything he considered true. How could Duo believe he wasn't friends with Hilde? He wasn't able to form a coherent reply before Duo continued.

"I'm so afraid I've assigned her greater importance now that she's gone. I know I was the best friend I could be to her, and the best friend she'd allow me to be. Of that I'm confident." He took a beat before asking, "But what if I'm tricking myself?"

"Duo, you can't—"

"Please don't try to find an answer to this for me." Heero immediately quieted. "I appreciate that you want to help, but sometimes we don't get answers. I don't need help. I'm at peace with her part in my life. But after all this time, it would be nice if someone else knew how I felt. No one's ever known how I feel."

His voice dropped to a whisper.

"I'm tryin to tell you my darkest, most shameful thoughts when it comes to her. I'm tired of bein the only person to carry them. Sometimes I feel like she exists only in my mind because no one in my life really knew her at all, and most of them never met her. And it's about time someone other than me knows how I occasionally feel. Because it's awfully strange to miss someone who seems at times like she was always a ghost, who feels so completely removed from my life she may as well have always been imaginary."

He took in a deep breath, and Heero waited.

"You all know as a baseline I miss her. But no one's ever heard about the doubt I sometimes feel. I don't blame myself for her struggles and I never have. But I try not to talk about her unless asked, which is real fuckin sad, because I don't want her to become my tragic backstory. I don't wanna turn her into some twisted footnote and have people give me extra attention because of it. And it makes me have these doubts. Like... she's gone, Ro. And if I don't talk about her, especially because no one else knew her, and no one else talks about her... it's like she was never here. But if I do talk about her, people might only remember her for how she died. And that's far from the most remarkable or memorable thing about her, and it's such a disservice to her memory."

His voice changed into a familiar tone, one that Heero knew well. It took years for him to understand that tone. For a long time he thought when Duo sounded like that he was simply lighthearted or dismissive, but he wasn't. It really meant he was smiling through pain.

"But you know me... I'll turn it into a joke. If I bring her up naturally in conversation I'm gonna turn it into a joke because humor helps me deal with difficult things. That cheerful disposition of mine started out solely as a strategic move, but it's honest now. It's me, but... it also means I'll fuck up. I don't want her to be a punchline. But I know she will be, I can't help it. So I stay quiet most of the time."

He shifted, and took in another deep breath, letting it out slowly before he continued.

"I'm not seein her with rose colored glasses but I wonder sometimes... Did she come to mind this much when she was alive? Because I thought about her, yeah. I've got these very distinct memories of her being far away and me thinkin about her. On a recon mission on L3, when I was testing out the handling of a new shuttle for Preventers. In the ancient city of Granada, while I stalked along the defensive walls. Fuck, I can so clearly recall thinking about her then. I even made a distasteful joke in my head, this one time after nearly a year of her ignoring all my communications, about future plans with her that would come to pass if only she hadn't killed herself yet."

He made a bitter and soft laugh. "You know me. Can't not joke about things." He sighed, and it sounded defeated. "But I can't recall if it was quite as much as now. And I kinda just hate that idea. That maybe I think about her more in death than in life."

Aware that it was a bad tactical decision, Heero tightened his embrace and spoke his mind.

"From what I saw, you were true friends."

"Heero, don't."

"No. You need to hear this."

Duo tried to push himself away, but clearly hesitated. Heero was glad that for once his baka's unfounded fear of him reopening his chest wound was going to work to his advantage. He wrapped his fingers around Duo's arm.

"Stop it, Ro!"

"You were her friend. You reached out. You showed up. You cared about her. You think about her still, and it's always with love in your heart, even when you say things that are less than flattering about her. Don't trick yourself into thinking your connection was anything less than it was."

Complete stillness took over Duo.

"What would you know?" His voice was harsh, and anguished. "You weren't even there for it. You barely knew her."

"I know you. And you loved her. You were a good friend."

Duo shifted a little.

"Just shut up."

"Duo."

"I said shut up!"

Both of them froze. The volume with which Duo shouted startled each them. Heero was smart enough to know that his partner was in pain, rather than actually angry with him. Quickly he pulled Duo a little closer, back into position against him, and placed another kiss on top of his head when he was met with no resistance.

"Just hold on to me and breathe. I'm not going anywhere."

He did hold on. He held on like Heero was all that anchored him to the world. It was several minutes before Duo spoke again.

"I dreamt of the fire, too." Heero's eyes opened wide. He waited a long time to hear about the fire that haunted Duo, and now he wasn't even sure which one he was referring to. "I do that, sometimes. I dream of the fire, but the people who died are never there. I know they're gone but I never see them."

Heero felt Duo swallow, bracing himself to keep talking.

"I'm now responsible for two churches burning down. It's my fault the Alliance killed everyone at the Maxwell Church, and don't try to tell me otherwise. Everyone knew it. When I got there I told Sister Helen it was my fault, and she never refuted that. She just told me she was happy I was safe, and that Father Maxwell died worried about me." He scoffed, and Heero could tell how painful that was for him, knowing the man who took him in died with worry in his heart. "I told her he was dumb for preaching about peace, and she made some stupid wish for her god to bestow a blessing on me. Then she was dead, and I was alone again, only also surrounded by all those bodies in the rubble." He buried his face against Heero, his voice muffling.

"I took her cross, and I left them all."

"Duo..." he was a little nervous to bring this up, but he wasn't sure there would ever be a better opening. "Did you leave your cross around my neck?"

He felt Duo stiffen, his entire body freezing like he'd been caught doing something wrong.

"I didn't even notice it myself. They took me for a chest x-ray and the tech asked me to remove the metal I was wearing. She pointed to my chest, and when I reached up I was in complete shock to find your cross. I panicked. You're never without it and I thought... I thought maybe you'd planned to die when you left, and leaving it with me was a goodbye. They had to sedate me again, I was struggling hard to leave the hospital and find you with a partially reinflated lung and tubes everywhere. They couldn't calm me down. But when I woke up again you were there, and the cross was around your neck, not mine." He ran a hand through Duo's hair. "I've been trying to figure out if it was a nightmare, or if it really happened."

There was a long silence before Duo answered his question. He sounded forlorn, and full of remorse.

"I did leave it with you. And I'm sorry. Never thought it would hurt you like that."

"Why would you do that? Did you not plan to come back? Were you planning to die?"

Duo sat upright and looked straight down at him. That storm was back in his eyes.

"I didn't think that far ahead, but no. I only knew I had every intention of seeing you again. To be completely honest there were moments when I didn't want to continue. But I never wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to end. What I wanted above all else was to stay with you, but I couldn't. So I left a part of me with you instead."

He couldn't help himself. Duo was being honest, he could tell. But he was suddenly angry and he didn't want to hold back. He couldn't stop himself from sitting up and yelling, no matter how much he wanted to be supportive rather than accusatory.

"And you didn't for a goddamn minute stop to think about what message that would send? I thought you were planning to die! I thought you were avoiding a goodbye and leaving me with a memento and fucking haunting me for the rest of my life with a cross around my neck that I'd never take off because I couldn't bear the thought of being without you!"

There was anger to meet his own in Duo's eyes, and for a moment it scared him. He knew, immediately, that he'd crossed a line.

"Excuse me for having a hard time thinking through every little thing and how you might interpret it, Heero! You almost died because of me! I watched a child get murdered because of me! I watched another church burn down because of me! Don't you fucking get it? I destroy everything! And when I had to leave you and go destroy even more I thought maybe I should leave that cross with you because it's the one thing I've had all these years and maybe it's brought me a little luck. Maybe, for this one fucking thing, I'm a little superstitious and I like to think Helen's stupid, stupid blessing asking her god I don't even believe in to look after me comes through this ridiculous cross I stole off her dead body." His hand grasped the necklace from his chest, tugging until the chain was tight. "I wanted you safe and I didn't know who could get to you in that hospital, and like an idiot I thought maybe if you had this" he shook the cross "then you'd be alive and well when I came back!"

With fury, Heero yelled "Well we need to learn to communicate these things when they happen so we don't get mixed up and lose our minds! I've been having nightmares about that fucking cross, Duo. I'm not having nightmares about getting shot, I'm having nightmares about waking up in that hospital to find everyone there but you and having to find some way to carry on with my life! I wake up searching for that fucking cross around my neck, wishing with everything in me that it's not there because if it's not there that means you're here. If we tell each other things up front and not after we're already hurt and angry, we can avoid hurting each other all together, and we can avoid nightmares and frustrations and building dread! So work with me on that, okay? I've done a lot of work to get better at communicating and you better get your shit together and pull your own damn weight, too! Communication takes two people, Duo!"

Duo's expression shifted from anger to guilt to dumbfounded in a rapid change that would've made Heero laugh in another situation.

"What?"

He brought his voice low again, and it was much more gentle. How could he maintain anger when Duo looked at him in such a way?

"You could've just told me you thought it would keep me safe instead of slipping it around my neck when I was asleep. I'd have understood."

"Oh. Uh..."

"Next time you do something terrifyingly out of character, just clue me in? Okay, love?"

"Aw, shit, Ro. I uh..."

"And you don't destroy everything. Maybe it feels like that, sometimes, when you focus on the bad. But you're ignoring all the good when you do that. You've built too much good to ignore it all in the face of darkness."

Duo's shoulders slumped a notch.

"I hurt a lot of people. I've killed a lot of people. I'm not sure I get to just focus on what little good I've managed."

"It's not little to the people whose lives you've improved."

"It is by comparison."

Without another word, Duo slumped into him, and Heero leaned them both back into the bed, taking up their previous position. Once again Duo's voice was muffled by Heero's arm, which he clutched onto, when he spoke.

"Did you know 245 people died because of me, all in one incident, by the time I was about ten years old?"

That statistic made Heero pause. He was an apprentice to an assassin as a child, and he wasn't responsible for that many deaths until the war.

"That's how many people died when the Alliance attacked the church, and they attacked because of me. All those people? Father Maxwell and Sister Helen? They died because someone kept me. Did I tell you every foster family and potential adoptive family sent me back? Father Maxwell and Sister Helen kept me because they couldn't give me away. I wasn't worth having for free. They tried over and over again to give me away to a family and all of them were smart enough not to want me. The people they sent me to saw something dark in me, I know it." He shifted a little, so his words were clearer. "I'm not sayin they didn't love me. But they didn't keep me by choice. They kept me out of some ridiculous notion of virtue, and it killed them and all those people."

Heero didn't know how to respond. He couldn't imagine what transpired for Duo to be convinced as a child that there was something sinister in him that made him unwanted. And the fragile emotional state it left him in didn't lend itself to prying too far, especially after he'd already yelled at Duo just moments earlier. He wasn't stupid, and could increasingly follow Duo's logic. That story wasn't told to him as a means to open up, it was told because he felt guilty.

They died because they kept me wasn't only about the people he spent a fleeting but meaningful couple of years with as a child. It was a theme Duo was terrified to have follow him through his life. It was why he left the stolen cross around his neck, and it was why he was so unable to express his terror that day in the hospital.

Whatever ugliness Duo thought he carried, only time and love could change his self-image. And he'd be there for him, every step of the way. Love, he decided, was the proper avenue to explore right now. He wasn't entirely sure what to say, but he knew he couldn't go wrong speaking from the heart. He felt, in that moment, this was the lesson Odin tried to impart on him after years of training him to kill. The last lesson his father gave him, when he was so young and so lacking of heart, before he even realized Odin was his real father, when the man looked at him and saw exactly what he created, was meant precisely for this.

Do as your heart tells you so you won't regret it later. That's the right path for people who live in the present.

Duo may finally be opening up about his past, but they both lived in the present. And his heart was telling him to focus on love in order to guide Duo towards healing.

"You loved them."

Heero felt Duo nod against him.

"Then, as someone who has experienced your love, I am comfortable definitively telling you they had no regrets." Duo pulled away from him quickly, looking deep into his eyes, searching. "There's no greater gift than the kind of love you bestow on those you care about. It's fierce, it's earnest, and it's boundless. You even named yourself in two acts of love."

The pain that flickered across Duo's eyes urged him to continue.

"You told me, years ago, that you chose the name Duo after your friend died. That you wanted to carry his memory with you, and live for the both of you. You chose the name Maxwell for that priest who took you in and gave you a home. Everything about you is centered on love. I guarantee everyone you've ever loved knew it, regretted nothing that came along with having you in their lives, and loved you back."

"You really think I'm... loving? That I'm... generally loveable, and not just to you and the guys but like... that the average person could find something in me to love if they really wanted to?"

Heero reflexively burst into loud and rich laughter, and the tension he felt in Duo's muscles, along with the hurt in darkening violet eyes made him realize that might not be the best reaction. He immediately sobered up and became very serious, speaking quickly, firmly, and with absolute authority.

"I'm sorry! Duo, I'm so sorry. I only laughed because it's supremely absurd to me that you'd even question it. You are the most loving person I've ever met. When you love someone there's no stopping you from showing your affection. Even in the war, when I was a fool and didn't understand friendship, let alone love, I could tell you cared deeply for me. When I was on the Sweepers ship with you, everyone there loved you. It confounded me at the time but it was clear even to me. When you were my partner at Preventers the whole division adored you. If I had to define what loving is, if I had to give an example of what it means to be loving, the answer is you. And loving you back? How can that even be in question? It's the easiest thing. People love you so much I used to be jealous, because they could show it and I had a hard time. Never, never doubt that about yourself!"

When Duo closed his eyes tightly and began to shake, he worried it was because his callous reaction made him cry. He felt terrible, but before he could mentally kick himself for being the worst person alive, Duo snorted. Then a familiar sound filled the room.

"You're... laughing?"

A fist came up to slowly and weakly smack Heero in the chest as Duo struggled to get ahold of himself before collapsing gently to his side.

"Seriously? Now?"

With Duo now out of view he heard distinct wheezing coming from the area of his shoulder.

"What's so funny, Duo?"

A few gasps, and the man pressed against him shifted, but only to hide his face into his arm, once again muffling the sound of his voice. His breath was hot against him.

"Heero?"

"Yeah?"

"You're real cute when you defend my honor."

Heero couldn't help snorting in mock disgust.

"Seriously, your eyes got so incredibly intense when you said that. It brought me back to the war!"

"You're making things up."

"I'm not! It was damn flattering!"

"Why would it flash you back to the war?"

Duo lightly traced a finger along Heero's collarbone, and it made him shudder.

"Because that's how your eyes looked when you promised to kill people back in the day."

He could not understand why Duo thought this was funny, or charming. To him it was mortifying. And Duo had to be laughing at his embarrassment because nothing else explained his reaction.

"You're saying I looked at you, the person who taught me friendship and love, who opened my world up beyond the war, who makes every day of my life better just by existing, murderously? That instead of emoting my affection for you in an intimate moment between us, I emoted murder?"

"I'm sayin you looked ready to kill to defend me, even from myself. And it was just the most adorable goddamn thing."

Heero silently shook his head.

"I'm serious! Sometimes it's real hard to believe that other people were shocked back in the day when I told them you were sweet."

The frown on Heero's face bordered on a pout.

"Don't tell people that! I'm not sweet."

"Oh, you're sweet as can be. Always was, even when we were fucking things up together." Duo looked at him with an innocent, happy expression that Heero fell right into. "You made me curry and you damn well know I caught on to the symbolism there. You really gonna try an' argue with me that you aren't sweet?"

Heat rose to his cheeks as Heero mumbled to save face, "Maybe I only want to be sweet to you."

"I don't buy that for a second. That's the old you. The new you has room for more than just me, and I couldn't be happier about it. This man you've grown into. He's all the best parts of you. And I'm so sorry I scared you by not telling you about the cross. I didn't think, and I swear the next time I do anything terrifyingly out of character I'll explain it to you. The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. You're everything to me."

Heero snorted again and his arm tightened a little around his partner.

"Love you too, baka."

He thought that was the end of their conversation, so it surprised him when after a short silence Duo continued.

"Did you know..." his voice sounded very unsure, even unsteady, and it put Heero on alert. "This'll sound stupid but... when you tell me you love me? It feels like a small part of me that's broken heals. Those aren't... well, they aren't words I've heard much of in my life. Not directed to me, at least. Not even from Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, though they certainly cared." While the unsteadiness remained, his voice dropped low to a whisper. "I was told over and over as a kid that I was unlovable, and despite what you said it doesn't feel like there's been much evidence to refute that. Because a lot of the folks you mentioned only know the me who jokes and smiles and does stupid shit. They don't know the me who hurts, and over-thinks. It's... it's really... nice. To hear those words from someone who knows both parts of me. I uh... I never realized I lacked confidence in that, until you started to say it openly. And I just... thought you should know."

Curled up in bed with the lights out, Heero didn't even attempt to hide his feelings from showing. His cheeks were burning hot, and his lips curled into a ridiculous smile he couldn't begin to break.

"Is that right?"

He felt a nod at his shoulder and realized Duo was embarrassed by his confession. He wondered if his baka could hear his smile, because to his own ears it was incredibly obvious through his voice that he was smiling freely.

"Well, thank you for telling me. Because I really love you." He felt a giddy rush in his chest, and wondered if he was being childish or if this was just how love felt sometimes. Just a general undeniable excitement over being able to do something so simple and meaningful for another person. He intended to exploit this comfort, and gift it often.

"I love you. Aishiteruyo. Te amo, Duo. I lo—"

The rest of his word was cut off. Duo moved to lean over him and gift an assertive kiss. He responded, but didn't escalate. When his hands came up to hold Duo's face he felt how hot his partner's cheeks were, and he understood they were both blushing furiously. With their foreheads together, they each took a moment to catch their breath.

"Really? Japanese and Spanish? Told you..." Duo whispered. "You're sweet as can be."

Slowly, Duo slipped back into place against Heero's side, laying on his back next to him and leaning his head a bit towards his shoulder until his warmth was felt and they barely touched. Heero's hand searched for and found Duo's between them. For a long while they laid together, listening to the soft sounds of each other breathing. Neither were delusional enough to believe Duo's nightmares, worry, or grief would simply disappear. But Heero knew, with laughter and joy returning, he was moving towards living again.

And touch was returning, not that he intended to rush it.

He'd gladly accept talking through feelings and abstinence over Duo distracting them both through avoidant sex any day of the week. His partner's emotional well-being was his top priority, and physical gratification was unimportant by comparison. Right now he was on the most important mission of his entire life. He was going to listen to Duo when he needed to speak, support him when he wanted to remain quiet, and encourage him to face some of the harder aspects of healing without pushing him too forcefully into anything he wasn't ready for. His entire life up until this moment prepared him to succeed, and he would not fail. His therapist, he thought, would be proud.

Duo, meanwhile, didn't feel as light as he expected after opening up to Heero. It surprised him how empty it all left him, but that wasn't a bad thing. He learned years ago that sometimes emptiness was good. Sometimes it signaled that whatever would otherwise trouble him no longer had control. There was no weight to lift from his shoulders because he already accepted things as they were. He often jumped directly to acceptance, that was just his way. So telling things to Heero... it wasn't about getting closure or relief. It was about trusting someone to see the parts of himself he kept hidden. The thing he hated more than feeling vulnerable was someone else knowing he felt that way.

He'd long trusted Heero with his life, but he trusted no one with his vulnerabilities. Taking a leap and opening up about feelings he long held close meant he was willing to show his whole self. It was scary, but it felt right. And that brought with it a quiet contentment, which came awfully close to feeling like emptiness. Close enough to confuse them for each other, if you hadn't already realized their likeness.

"Hey, Ro?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for yellin at me."

"What?"

"You didn't hold it in. I asked you to advocate for yourself, to let yourself get mad at me when I've done something wrong, to respect us enough to understand we're not breaking up so easily. And you listened. And now that I know how I hurt you, I can prevent that from happening again. I really appreciate it."

Both of them tightened their hands, giving one another a reassuring squeeze. Heero sighed, content. A few moments later, Duo spoke once more.

"Heero?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think the kids'll be okay?"

"Do you trust Quatre and Elise?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Then they'll be just fine."

"You think she'll be okay?"

"Who? Elise?"

"Mhm."

"I trust her to reach for whatever help she may need. She's a strong, competent woman. She's got the strength required to know when she is overwhelmed and the courage to ask for help."

"Ro?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for always helping me."

Duo felt Heero release the grip he had on his hand and instead wrap his braid around it in a secure hold. It was easier to sleep that way. He could turn onto his side and still have contact with Heero. And their hands would never get too warm. He already felt himself relaxing into unconsciousness.

"You're welcome, Duo. And I love you."