Chapter 95: Unanswered Questions

"I asked some of the guys to look into him."

"Howard, you didn't have to—"

"I wanted to. He messed with you, don't you get it? I don't take kindly to anyone messing with my boy, and I know you. You'll want answers. Intellectually you know you might not get any, but you're boiling over with a need to know and hidin it damn well."

Duo deflated. There was no fooling Howard. The old man wouldn't even let him get away with an audio call. He insisted, vehemently, on video or nothing. Not that Duo really minded. He missed Howard. He'd even considered taking time off work to join the Sweepers for a bit and ground himself with the family he had there. But he didn't want to burden them. He didn't want to be the guy who always ended up with Howard after he was left fucked up from some tragedy or another. That, he figured, must get awfully tedious for the old man. And yet here he was, being told the Sweepers were looking out for him anyway.

It was nice, having confirmation of family like that.

"So... they find anything?"

"About Chevalier? Yeah. After a guy like him's dead long enough for everyone to know it happened, after the crimes he committed are common knowledge, turns out folks aren't too keen on protecting him anymore. No fear there. Were more than willing to talk about him, 'specially to other locals, and we still gotta good amount of L2 on our crew." He waited to see if Duo would say anything, but he just sat with his eyes averted from the camera. "You know this'll all be speculation, right?"

A nod.

"Well... You may've guessed that bastard wasn't exactly on our side in the war. That much is true. Some folks said he blamed the Gundams for the entire—"

"That's bullshit! There was war before the Gundams even showed up!"

Howard smiled a crooked thing at him, sympathetic to Duo's outrage..

"Yeah, but not everyone accepts that. He was an angry man who thought he was right, kid. He looked to blame anyone he could for what he saw as unjust punishment on his colony."

"So he did initiallytarget Quatre because of the plague."

"Probably."

"And me?"

Howard had the decency to look a bit uncomfortable as he geared up to explain what he learned. It was a look Duo knew well and it didn't entirely put him at ease.

"We think, and I stress think, the bastard spent time on C-102 durin the war."

"Ah."

Duo knew that colony well. He couldn't exactly forget his time there. Hell, he brought it up himself multiple times over the years. He even thought about it often. His whole life changed there.

"Kid, we can't confirm that." His voice gentled. "It doesn't mean he was there."

"Probably was."

"He might not've been, when that happened."

Duo spoke without much inflection. He was resigned to the simple facts and removed any editorial input his voice and face might provide when he countered Howard's point.

"The man kept calling me a murderer. Same as they shouted when Scythe got towed through the colony on display. Most people who hate me because of my part in the war call me a killer, not a murderer. I've been wondering if he was with those people."

For Howard, those words made him a little uncomfortable. He didn't like anyone calling Duo such things, though technically it was correct. He did his best not to frown or show his negative emotions, and kept his voice casual.

"We tracked down the news footage from back then. Ran it with facial recognition. Nothing totally conclusive."

"But there was something."

Duo never missed a beat, and Howard looked down to fiddle with one of the buttons on his Hawaiian shirt.

"Yeah."

"And how likely did the computer think it was that Chevalier was there in the crowd shouting for me to be executed?"

Howard's fingers stilled.

"Bout 70 percent likelihood."

"About?"

He looked up then, to face the camera and Duo.

"It was 72% sure there was a match, but some of the markers didn't align. Yanno that sorta biometric data is only as good as what you feed it and the archived footage, wasn't the best. A lotta faces were partially obscured in the crowd..."

"That's not particularly conclusive enough?"

Duo made sure to add skepticism into his voice then, and he saw Howard's reaction. The man was trying his best to spare his feelings, though from what, he wasn't entirely certain.

"It's not like it would hold up in court or anything."

"It doesn't need to, he's dead."

"Kid, the man was deranged."

"Doesn't mean he was wrong."

"Duo, you can't let him take hold over you. He wanted that."

"Yeah, well. No one can deny I'm a killer. And he made damn well sure no one can deny this whole thing was all my fault."

"It was his fault, kid. Not yours."

At those words, Duo erupted in anger.

"It doesn't make sense, Howard! If he was so loyal to L2 why'd he terrorize all those people? At the mall. At the orphanage. Why kill an innocent child? I mean if he wanted to just hurt me I can understand going after Heero or the guys. We don't even know he really meant to get Heero, he lied all the damn time so maybe he was bluffing, like he did with his threat to Sally. Or I think he was bluffing. But what the fuck was his end game? Throw Trowa in jail? He wasn't smart enough to pull that off and Tro had nothing to do with L2! Murder Heero?"

Duo's breath hitched at that, and it was clear even though his voice had gotten gradually louder as his anger boiled over, he was still holding back emotions. He reeled himself in further before continuing.

"Ro's too tough for that, it seems. An' I'm grateful for it. Why was he tryin to remind me of Hilde by going after Fei in that same location? He told me he'd make me hold another friend when they died at that damn shopping center. Why? What was all this? And why burn down the church? The new building housed the kids. I built that one, I care about those kids. But he started the fire in the old church. That's been a community center for years! There was a goddamn food pantry there! They hosted community events, adult education classes, and ran a small and free daycare center for the neighborhood! If you love L2 why destroy that? Why hurt the people and destroy the resources there to help?"

His chest was heaving, and a hand came up to rake through his hair and rub at his temple. He looked back down and away from the camera.

"Why blow half of Bastien's face off? Why do any of this?" He looked back up, pain clear in his eyes. "Why choose to die at the end? None of this tracks, Howard! Even the war made more sense! From what I can tell Chevalier was just some guy who failed upwards into terrorism. Is it even failing upwards? Fuck, I don't know how to explain it."

While Duo's voice became increasingly unhinged, Howard's took on a calming tone.

"That's right, kid. He was nobody. Just like that guy from the Jalisco Square incident several years ago was nobody. Folks who use fear like that? They're nothing and you shouldn't give them your time. Just stop them if you can, and move on."

"But how does one just move on? It's senseless violence, Howard. Just... senseless in every way."

That hurt, to hear Duo's voice waiver on his final sentiment. If Howard could reach through the vid screen to hug him, he would.

"I know, kid. But most acts of violence are. A lot of what happens to us, 'specially the bad stuff, just happens. It's not deserved, it's not earned, it just happens. We can't control anya that, only our reactions."

"Doesn't feel very... conclusive."

"That's life. We move forward, with or without understanding. You know that as well as anyone. Closure in the fantasy sense rarely happens in real life. You'll never really know the other guy's motives, what made him into who he became. It's always gonna be speculation. Always gonna be an excuse. All you ever get to know for certain is how you choose to move on."

Duo was quiet when he replied, his eyes haunted.

"Doesn't make it easier."

"Would it be easier if he had some manifesto?"

"Maybe?"

"Maybe. But it also could backfire."

That caught Duo's attention.

"How so?"

Howard took a deep breath, and hoped what he was going to say would help his friend.

"Let's say this nutjob nobody had a whole written manifesto for why he felt violence against innocent people was a good idea. If someone reads that and thinks hey, this guy is onto something, then you might get more people like him out in the world. Or folks can read it and misinterpret it, because everyone adds their own experiences onto what they're presented with. It could spiral. Honestly kid, I don't ever wanna see another manifesto made public ever again. I want these people to disappear and not be remembered."

"Won't that mean we forget what happened? And the victims?"

"No, kid. I want the people who committed the crimes to be forgotten. You can remember the victims and forget the perpetrators. I'll always remember your friend Hilde, but I don't need to keep her killer's name alive. Same with this."

"And if their motives tap into something bigger, and knowing it would allow room for change or growth, so that this doesn't happen again?"

Howard felt stuck.

"Then the folks who can change things should know, but I still don't want it glorified. Turning a domestic terrorist like that, someone hurting others in a time of peace, into a martyr for a cause... just doesn't seem worth it."

Duo remained quiet for a bit, hands fidgeting off screen in his lap.

"Still doesn't feel conclusive."

The old man wasn't sure how to comfort him. Howard was never really one for intense displays of compassion. He was more of the aloof, but caring type. The guy who hauled you up off the floor and said some flippant remark that was strangely wise but also maybe nonsense. Straight comfort wasn't his strong suit. Duo recused him before he felt pressured to try.

"I asked Elise if she thinks I ruin everything."

"What'd she say?"

"Doesn't matter. Don't worry about it."

"You're the one who brought it up, kid."

"I know. I just thought you should know I asked her."

Howard fixed him with a stern look.

"For whatever it's worth, I don't think you ruin lives."

Duo's voice got low and angry, his eyes darkened as they narrowed into a deep and thunderous purple.

"Yeah, well, I'm not so sure about that sometimes. In my darkest thoughts I think maybe I shouldn'tve been given the damn option. Maybe I shoulda died in the damn war and spared everyone."

Howard was incised. There was absolutely no way he was going to sit back and listen to Duo say horrible things about himself. He was too old and too tired to put up with that kind of nonsense. Duo might just be the closest thing he had to a kid he raised. And if he couldn't rely on Duo's friends to slap sense into him, he'd do it himself.

"Don't you threaten a member of my crew, Maxwell!" The use of his surname got Duo's attention, and his eyes shot back up directly into the camera. "I understand you're going through somethin. I'm an old man, I've been through my share of shit, too. But don't go down that road. There's nothing for you there. You are to remain in the present, moving forward. That's an order!"

Howard rarely barked orders at members of the Sweepers, he was too laid back. Any time he did, it was because of an emergency situation. Something life or death. When Howard barked out orders, his crew obeyed, or someone paid a steep and incalculable price.

Instinctively Duo responded "Yes, sir!"

Upon that confirmation, Howard took a moment to relax. No part of him particularly liked being strict. The doc was always the one who was strict with Duo. He liked being the whimsical uncle type. It was moments like these when he found himself actually missing G, not that he'd admit to it. But that crazy old doctor would've given Duo the hard truths he needed to hear without batting an eye.

"Listen, Duo. You're a good kid. Always have been." He chuckled. "Maybe I oughta call you a good man one of these days, but you'll always be a kid to me." He leaned back into his chair, slouching a bit to get comfortable. "You ain't cursed, and you've never hurt anyone for any sadistic reasons. If you were some sicko who got off on hurtin people, you wouldn'tve ever been a Sweeper. We'd of kicked you out before you knew what hit ya. Dumped your ass on a colony and never looked back. Life's too short to second guess yourself."

Howard smiled inwardly at the flash of recognition in Duo's eyes. He knew he'd gotten something through to the kid, because that look always spelled good trouble.

"Most of the time I agree with ya. I just get these thoughts is all." Duo paused, and the silence brought with it an odd but not unpleasant tension. "Can I read you somethin, Howard? Something I forgot to hold onto from time to time, these last several weeks?"

It was cute the way Duo thought he had to ask. At this point in their call, Howard would let Duo do just about anything he wanted short of putting himself down.

"Sure thing, kid."

He watched Duo clearly scroll through his phone. He assumed he was looking up something online. A famous quote, or some words of wisdom he read someplace. How Duo's face shifted when he found what he was looking for was really something. He looked almost content.

"Don't be an idiot. You're not the center of the world."

Howard smiled. Duo was staring at the words, not looking into the camera.

"That's great advice."

"It's the last text Hilde ever sent me."

The old man froze. He wasn't expecting that.

"I used to pull it up all the time. Was easy at first, I didn't have many new messages, or ones I needed to keep. But the more time I spend with the guys, with other people, the more text threads begin that I can't up and erase. And I have to scroll further to find her."

"Kid..."

"But that's not... it's not bad." A pained smile crossed his face. "Makes me a little sad, but I don't need to look at the words to know them."

When Duo made eye contact through the camera, relief came over Howard. The two of them rarely spoke about Hilde. After his crew found Duo aboard his ship, after Duo finally started talking again, she became a subject requiring careful handling.

"I think life's finally moved forward. And to follow it, I gotta accept that her texts are gonna be harder to find. Other people, living people, are taking up all my recent calls and messages." Duo raised a hand and tapped the side of his head. "But I still got the most important ones from her right here. Just because I'm not pulling out my phone and scrolling to her messages as frequently these days, doesn't mean I forgot. I keep wondering if I ruin lives. That question echoes kinda frequently in my head these days. But not that far behind those thoughts is a voice telling me not to be an idiot. That even if I've got some blame, I'm not the center of the world." He looked Howard dead in the eyes. "I got these bad thoughts sometimes. But that doesn't mean I generally believe them."

A smile eased onto Duo's face, and Howard felt a tension he wasn't even aware he carried during their talk melt away. He was looking at that kid he knew and loved. Not a broken man, or a lonely man, or a man living in denial of his feelings. This was his Duo. He felt the sting of tears and that meant it was time to change subjects. He cleared his throat and tried to covertly remove moisture where it gathered at the corners of his eyes.

He knew Duo noticed, but it only brightened his mood, evident even through the vid screen.

"So how's things with your partner?"

"Which one?"

He shrugged. "Both of 'em."

He liked the sparkle in Duo's eyes when he clarified. They were in touch, sure. But he didn't often ask about Heero, and it seemed to delight the kid when he did. He made a small mental note to do that more often in the future.

"They're great, honest. Wufei's a breeze to work with and the change of pace is fun. I'm kinda like you, now. Working with the engineers part time feels like when I was a kid and you had me tearin apart mobile suits and learnin on the fly. I really loved sitting in on your design meetings and being able to do that type of work again feels... like going home, I guess."

Howard was shocked to find himself a little choked up. He knew Duo was always proud to be one of his Sweepers, but he didn't realize how much impact those few, formidable years had on him.

"And Heero's bein Heero. We're figuring it out. We listen to each other, and we care about each other." Duo made an expression that was half amused, half disgusted. "He was teasing me the other day about my cooking! Don't ever make instant ramen in front of that man, he will relentlessly tease you for doing it wrong!"

"Teasing you? The same Heero Yuy we've known forever?"

"Yep!"

"Damn, kid. He really did change, didn't he?"

Howard loved the way Duo's featured softened. His boy was tough, but he always hoped he'd get the opportunity not to be.

"Honestly, Howard, with communication lines open it's been pretty damn good. And he's bein real patient with me while I sort all this storminess inside. I think we'll be just fine. I think..."

"You think what?"

"I think I'm starting to get everything I wanted. It's... weird."

"Why weird?"

He watched as Duo seemed to think out his words. It had to be important, for him not to have an answer at the ready.

"It's weird because... for the first time, maybe ever... I don't feel like it's about to be ripped away from me. Sometimes I do, but that's pretty short lived. Overall? Feels like I'm getting what I wanted, and it's gonna stick. Like I'll finally have an anchor in my life, except it's not just one, there's multiple anchors. So even if one fails, the others will hold." He paused. "Does that make sense?"

Howard couldn't help the smile on his face, and he wouldn't hide it for all the money in the Earth Sphere.

"That's great news."

Duo's smile didn't quite reach his eyes, and that gave Howard something to focus on.

"So if your two best guys are great, and life's feeling stable for the first time in ages, what's eatin at ya?"

For Duo, that question was equal parts wonderful and awful. He knew from the start he had to address another topic before their call ended, and he wasn't quite sure how to throw that curve ball. But Howard saw something in him, and gifted an opening he had to take.

"They're bringing Preventers to L2."

The old man sat back, speechless for a long moment before he asked if Duo was joking.

"Nope. Dead fuckin serious."

With a slight frown, Duo watched gear turn in Howard's head as he whistled in appreciation of such big news. He'd been banking on Howard to get where he was coming from. Though the man himself wasn't from L2, or he didn't think he was, Duo wasn't entirely sure, he worked on L2 enough to fit in with the people there. He knew things about life on the colony that other people in his circle just weren't privy to. And then he asked the question of the century.

"Why?"

Duo had to love how the old man cut right to the point.

"They claim folks want it now. Because of what happened. Because we showed up and actually tried our damnedest to help."

"They mixed up you five with the organization as a whole?"

"Yep."

He watched closely as Howard shook his head, and then rubbed at his face as if he were waking from a bad dream. The reaction comforted him and made him feel distinctly less alone than with Heero. Maybe in time his partner would come to understand why he didn't want Preventers on his home colony, but at the moment it felt like one more issue to divide them. Wufei and Quatre didn't fully understand, either. Trowa did, in his way. But his support didn't feel the same as support from someone really in the know.

"Duo. I'm real sorry. I can't imagine the weight of that."

Emotions surged inside of him. What he needed from the moment he heard the news was for someone, anyone, to acknowledge the responsibility and immense burden placed on him, knowing that whatever went down on L2 would be in some small way his fault. No one would ever be able to take that away, but he desperately needed that weight on his shoulders to be seen. He wasn't sure if he wanted to cry, or laugh, or yell to release frustration. But when he looked into the screen and saw compassion in Howard's eyes, all of that faded out.

"Thanks for understandin." He took in a deep breath, and slowly let it out. "It's... a real fuckin relief hearin that from you."

Duo was a little surprised to find himself shaking and wiping tears from his cheeks. His heart felt a horrible pressure release. "No one else in my life knows what L2 is like, Howard." He composed himself quickly. "Thanks for just getting me. For not forcing me to explain it all. It's been extra hard tryin to divorce Preventers goin there from me. Even if L2 woulda invited them eventually, there's no pretending I'm not definitely a large part of why it's happening now, and that's..."

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, fooling neither of them into believing he wasn't trying to keep tears away.

"How're you handlin it? You doing okay?"

"I'm tired, old man."

Howard smiled softly at him.

"Yeah. I know."

"I'm just... so tired. But in spite of that, and in spite of this shit with L2 and Preventers... I got a hell of a lot to look forward to."

"You're doin good. I'm damn proud of you."

"Thanks, Howard." He paused. "And if I haven't told you enough—"

"You don't gotta—"

"I love you, old man. Really, I do. And not just because I owe you my whole life."

"You don't owe me shit."

"I heard you, yanno."

Howard's brow furrowed.

"What's that mean?"

"A lifetime ago. When the Doc wanted to get rid of me an' you said no."

He remembered that. It wasn't long into Duo's time with the Sweepers when things briefly fell apart. G's initial fascination with Duo was because he declared himself Death, and a kid doing that piqued his interest. More importantly, Duo was an orphan with zero ties to anyone and that meant no one would object to any training or complain if he died. But a few months in he was slacking, and G was second guessing using him as a pilot. Howard stepped in to insist he was valuable, and pointed out that he was holding his own against adults when he was maybe twelve years old. He never forgot his argument.

Lookit how old he is. The kid's gonna have some bouts of needing extra sleep. He's growing. But he's a hell of an asset.

Sometimes, especially during the war, he wondered if he made the wrong choice by ensuring Duo stayed on to eventually pilot Deathscythe. He wondered if Duo would've found a more normal life if they abandoned him somewhere. But there was a chance he'd never find that, either. There was even a chance he'd die as a civilian casualty during the conflict. That was partially why seeing him now was so damn rewarding. He felt, with the outcome of the war, Duo's contributions to continued peace, and his found family, that their decisions all turned out okay in the end.

"I never knew you heard that."

Duo grinned, toothy and cocky.

"Yeah, well... I was always a stealthy son of a bitch."

"You don't owe me shit, kid. You earned everything you've got."

"Doesn't mean I can't appreciate ya. It's you who gave me the chance to earn what I got and I ain't forgettin it any time soon. After everythin that's happened, I just wanted to make sure I told ya. It's kinda important to me that folks know how I feel about them."

Howard smiled back, a mirror of Duo's face.

"Yeah, well. I love you, too, you sonofabitch. So much I almost disabled that self destruct button in Deathscythe, but I figured it was your choice to use it or not in a pinch."

Duo's eyes widened.

"Wait. That wasn't you?"

"Huh?"

"I hit that button! Nothing happened!"

Howard's expression was unmistakably complete confusion. Duo would've laughed in any other circumstance.

"You hit that button?"

"Yes!"

"Well I didn't disable it! Who else was workin on Scythe back then?"

As realization dawned on Duo, he felt incredibly loved.

"I got an idea. I'll letcha know if I'm right."