When Merlin stepped out of the Crystal Cave —his prison for thousands of years— he was different. He drank deep of the free air, and he forgot.
He wasn't sure what year it was, or who he was. All he knew was that, in his veins, ran a force that lived in harmony with all the natural world. Something deep and cool like water, but soft and strong like earth. Magic.
The first thing Merlin made with magic was butterflies of a soft cornflower blue. Clouds of them. Then, he followed them to see where they would fly, out of his head as he was. It was somewhat like being a child once more. Merlin didn't know how old he was. It didn't matter today.
A few days after walking up from the Crystal Cave, Merlin remembered Death. At first, he was frightened by the fact that he had died, and so he hid in a hole in the ground. Then, he realized that he was in a peaceful place. He did not remember Life, or coming back to life, and thought instead that he had entered the Afterlife. If it was peaceful, then perhaps it would not be so bad to be dead.
Merlin's first urge was to go looking for someone else. He didn't know who he was looking for, because he didn't know himself. He started his search with hope, and he said a spell. Perhaps the spell would help lead him to a place where he could remember.
This was how Merlin came to a dark castle deep in the heart of the Enchanted Forest. Little did he know that it was the same castle where, once upon a time, The Evil Queen Regina had conspired to cast her dark curse.
All manner of books were in this castle. Merlin was greatly delighted when he realized he knew how to read them. He sat for hours reading stories about kings and queens and the bluest skies. Magic filled the pages and made it seem that the words were alive. Even though there were no pictures, the books swam and moved and Merlin could see in his mind the colors he read about, and almost tasted the air of the far off kingdoms the stories told of.
One delighted him best. He felt his heart swell with pride and belonging when he read about the Knights of Old and their Round Table.
He had many favorite characters in this tale, and sat up for nights on end, reading as the fire he'd made from dead fallen trees burned low in the hearth.
All of the knights he thought were equally true and courageous characters. Of their company, he felt Lancelot would have made a great friend. He seemed wise beyond his years, and of a stout heart rarer born than all the others.
Then there was Gwaine. Merlin laughed at Sir Gwaine and his many antics most.
Percival was Gwaine's good friend, and Merlin often wished he could be with them on their adventures in the green woods, making trouble for Elyan and Leon, the wiser, more somber knights.
Of their friends, there was Lady Morgana, graceful and compassionate, and troubled by dark dreams. Merlin felt his heart drawn to her, because she was suffering loneliness. He too was lonely these days in this castle and he felt, of all the characters of these lively tales, he knew her heart the best.
Merlin cried deep tears he barely understood when he read about the kindly old physician Gaius. He learned from his wisdom and often found that he would crease the pages where his words were written so he could go back and read them over and over, especially when he felt at his lowest, and draw strength from them.
So many others danced across the pages. Lady Gwen, Lancelot's lover, kind and caring, and courageous as her brother Elyan. Merlin felt she had the spirit of a queen, even though she was born in a servant's household.
Of all the characters, Merlin despised the wicked King Uther even more than the villains, and secretly wished he would get his justice due for the tyrannical way he reigned.
There was also the foolish but loyal Emrys. Merlin found himself irritated by this character most, yelling at him often to make better choices, but furiously finding that he could justify almost every choice he made as the best option he had in front of him at the time.
Last, and to his great surprise, Merlin's favorite character of all of them was Prince Arthur. In early books, he appeared less, save only to lead the knights. Every time the prince appeared on the pages, Merlin felt his spirit struck with awe, like he was witnessing a legend being born, and it made him wildly proud. He would cheer when Arthur, and his trusted servant, the bumbling Emrys, would gain victories. Merlin laughed at how the story always mentioned that Emrys was secretly the one who had outsmarted the villains and saved the day, for Emrys' magic was cunning and was said to be leading Arthur to some strange final destiny.
The stories wore on and became sadder. Lady Morgana discovered that she had been betrayed by Uther and hated him. She ran away, to the Druids lands, where she met and was trained in the ways of magic by her wicked sister the witch Morgause. Morgause wanted to kill Uther and take the throne.
Merlin secretly hoped for a while that Morgause would win, because Uther was evil. But, slowly and surely, Arthur began to prove that he would be a better king than his father was. He may yet be the best king that united Albion would ever know. Secretly, Merlin prayed that Arthur would best the witches, and win the land for his future reign.
That's why Merlin cried when Morgause mustered an army of the undead, and made a pact with Saxon hordes. She would destroy the kingdom of Camelot and all who lived there. Then, she would place Morgana, the true daughter of Uther on the throne, and she would be the High Priestess of Mage-kin. Then, Morgana and Morgause would reign side by side.
When Morgana learned that she was Uther's daughter, she was deeply conflicted. Merlin held his breath as Morgana realized this meant that Arthur was her brother. Morgana loved Arthur, as they had grown up together, and suddenly realized she could not go through with killing all of Camelot, because her brother lived there too. That's when she remembered all her friends. She decided to betray Morgause, and ran to the Isle of the Blessed where the Mage Nimueh lived. Surely Nimueh would know how to stop Morgause.
Because the Mage Nimueh wanted Uther to suffer, she gave Morgana a spell that would put Uther into a sleep that was like death. Morgana did not know the cunning witch was setting a terrible trap. She told Morgana instead that by using this potion, she would make Uther pay for his treachery against magic-born people. Then, Arthur would be forced to take the throne, and Nimueh would be happy, because the young king would listen to her when she told him the truth about his birth by magic and how Uther had killed his mother by trading her life for the birth of a son.
With Arthur on the throne, and his sister ruling by his side as the Lady Morgana of the Court, Morgause's claim would be challenged. Nimueh warned Morgana that this would create a bitter rivalry between her and her sister, and that it would lead to bitter ends. Still, Nimueh told Morgana that this was the only way for the true kingdom of united Albion to be born, and so she must help, for all Mage-kind.
Morgana rushed to give the potion to Uther. Uther fell into death-like sleep. The kingdom was throne into turmoil, and then, Morgana revealed to Arthur the truth. Arthur was temporarily extremely angry with Morgana and put her in prison for betraying the king. It was then that Morgause chose to attack to try to bring Morgana back.
Merlin cried when Morgause sent an army of undead men to the castle to bring Morgana back. Emrys revealed that he had magic as he fought the demons off, and saved the citadel. Arthur was horrified that Emrys would lie to him about his magic, and keep secretly using it for so long, even when it was against the law in Camelot. The two friends had a hideous, screaming fight that made poor Merlin's stomach hurt as he read it, and Arthur told Emrys to go back to the land of Ealdor where he was born, because he did not want to have to carry out his father's law, and put Emrys to death for using magic.
Arthur then became king, but his rule was troubled. He didn't have a queen, but he couldn't truly marry Lady Gwen, who he was in love with secretly, because his father was only death-like and not dead. Because of this, the line could not continue, until Uther's claim to the throne was truly passed with his true death.
The law decided that Arthur must choose a temporary heir in the event he was to die before Uther woke again. He was crowned the Once and Future King, because he would once be king while Uther remained under the spell, but he was also still heir to the throne while Uther was technically still alive.
Arthur had no choice but to bring Morgana up from prison. He needed to name an heir, and the Lady Morgana was the daughter of Uther. Arthur declared her his heir, but sent her to Ealdor, to where Emrys lived, to be in exile until the day she was to take the throne. Merlin smiled when he read that Arthur sent his sister to Emrys because he hoped they, as Mage-kin, would be able to keep each other safe. Arthur still loved Merlin as if he was as much family as Morgana, and did not want him to be hurt.
Merlin sat the books down and cried for an hour when Morgause created a dark curse that would send all the land of Albion into a deep and terrible death. She would use the power of Emrys against him to poison the land. Slowly, Emrys' magic would be consumed by darkness, and he would poison all the land and everything that light touched. When Morgause enacted her curse, all living things and all good magic would die, and the earth would fall under the sway of Necromancers, evil sorcerers who called on the dead and made them slaves.
As Morgause planned her evil curse, Arthur rallied the knights of the Round Table, and fought for the land of Albion. It became clear, however, that his reign was in peril, because he did not have weapons, means, or understanding of magic to fight the growing armies of Mages coming to Morgause's call.
Merlin felt his heart pinch with unexplained anxiety when he read that Arthur himself went to the Mage Nimueh and asked her what he must do. Nimueh told him of a magic sword, one powerful enough to kill the armies of the dead, that had been forged for him and his reign. Arthur was surprised to learn about this. Merlin felt tears bubble up in his eyes when he read the next part:
"How can this be? I've been alive only 28 winters? How was a sword forged for me with this power?" said Arthur. Merlin held his breath. He knew how the story went, because earlier on the books had told of it.
"Do you not know, Arthur Pendragon? Emrys, greatest Sorcerer of the Ages, forged the sword for you in the Dragon's breath," said Nimueh.
Merlin cried then as he read how Nimueh had told Arthur that the sword was hidden and only Emrys knew where. King Arthur had to become quite humble then.
Merlin read, in smiles and tears, how the King and his knights rode to Ealdor, to where Emrys was living in exile with his mother and friends. Morgana lived there also. The whole lot of them were fighting goblin hordes summoned by Morgause together in an outpost at the edge of the country.
Merlin laughed when Emrys saw Arthur riding up.
"Well, it certainly took you longer than I thought to realize you would need me to save your royal backside once again." said Emrys.
Arthur climbed down from his high horse then, and stood face to face with his old friend.
"So, perhaps I was wrong, then. I can live with being wrong. What I cannot live with is how I have banished an old friend. A friend who was like family, and was always loyally by my side before, magic or none. Perhaps I deserve my fate for doubting you. Even so, if you can forgive me, then I will ask your help once more." said Arthur.
So it was that Arthur and Emrys, and with them the Lady Morgana, fought off the goblin hordes and retrieved the sword from the stone.
Merlin would keep reading. He loved these adventures, these fairy stories. They were a great comfort to him in his loneliness.
But one night he ran out of firewood. He felt spirits scream out in the woods, far away and unseen.
Merlin had forgotten he knew fire spells. He sat in the dark and cried, alone, because he was in the darkness with the voices and not with his beloved characters that distracted his mind from his fear, and the emptiness of his forgetting.
The morning came. Merlin's heart was sad, and his belly howled with hunger. Today, he got up and went out into the world around the castle. To find more firewood, and to find food and water. Tonight, he would have fire once again and he could read how Emrys and Arthur would defeat Morgause and the Saxons.
He was not to know that tonight he would have guests. Merlin milled about a berry bush, recognizing them somehow as edible berries, humming a song that he didn't remember the words to.
Into his mind flashed an image of a man with golden hair. Merlin paused thinking about him, wondering who he might have been, and if he was a memory or a figment of his imagination, wondering perhaps what other living people might look like in this new world.
"I suppose that eventually my stories won't protect me anymore, and I'll have to face this man...But not today. No, not today. Today, I will be happy and forget." he said.
So Merlin went along gathering berries, holding them in his red scarf, whistling and skipping stones in the rivers and puddles. For a moment, he was at peace, even though the sadness in his soul at whatever life he'd lived before was great indeed.