I am so sorry the posting of this chapter has been a mess! Turns out it won't accept NEWTs spelled with the periods/full stops in between the letters. I am sure there's something I just don't understand about the platform as I am new to it.

Hopefully you are all enjoying the story. xx

Chapter 6

'Padfoot!' Lily threw her arms around Sirius' neck as she opened the door. Unwilling to let the frost of the December evening cool down the entire house, yet unwilling to let go of her friend, Lily almost dragged him over the threshold. Sirius seemed equally reluctant to let go of her, and closed the door with a kick of his foot.

'Lils, it's...' Sirius was unable to get the words out, and Lily felt his arms grip her tighter.

Lily hadn't realised that despite the leisurely way Remus and Peter had spoken about Sirius, she had been worried about him. Seeing him on her doorstep a moment earlier, dark circles under his eyes, a few cuts across his face that were still healing, but otherwise fine - so healthy and handsome and normal - made her dizzy with relief.

'It's good to see you too,' Lily said, finally pulling away and studying him more carefully. He seemed okay, he truly did, which led her to ask the one question that had most played on her mind this afternoon.

'How's James?'

Sirius' smile died immediately, and for a moment something flickered in his grey eyes. It was more than simply grief; it was the look of the seventeen years old Sirius Black in the Hospital Wing, frightened and lost without his best friend. But then, he seemed to pull himself together.

'He's a strong boy. They reckon he's going to make a full recovery... it's just - it's going to be a long road, but you know that already.'

'Is he still in pain?'

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair: 'No, thank Merlin. Pain suppressant potions don't seem to have much effect, but the sleeping draft seems to work.'

Hearing Sirius talk about James sent pangs of longing through Lily. She could have been there, with him. Lily missed her husband, but she refused to sink back into the darkness that had threatened to overwhelm her most of the day.

'And you, how is your leg?' Lily asked.

'Completely healed!'

'Have you had anything to eat yet?'

'Not a bite since yesterday afternoon.' Sirius seemed to hesitate. The adrenaline of the previous night had not yet left Sirius, Lily could tell. But like her, he seemed determined to find normality: 'Actually, Wormtail mentioned he made some soup - I don't suppose you would mind if I took some?'

'Not at all.'

Lily led the way into the kitchen.

'Don't worry, Lils, I can reheat the soup. You just sit down and keep me company,' Sirius said, holding out a hand to stop Lily.

'No, Sirius, my kitchen, my rules,' Lily said, determined to be useful. She grabbed a bowl and spooned out some soup. The sound of splashing vegetables and meat made her feel queasy, as did the smell. She tapped the bowl with her wand and suddenly, the content was steaming hot.

Sirius grunted slightly as he sat down in the chair, and Lily noticed that he stretched out his leg.

'Completely healed?' Lily asked, as she placed the bowl in front of Sirius.

'A bit stiff, that's all,' Sirius shrugged. 'You not having any?'

Lily shook her head. Peter's sandwiches, consumed slowly over the last few hours, had already been threatening to make a reappearance. Now, with the smell of soup, Lily knew she was losing the battle.

'Excuse me,' she said, and left Sirius to his food.

/

'You alright?'

Lily nearly jumped out of her own skin. She had exited the bathroom and hadn't been expecting to find Sirius just outside.

'Sirius!'

'I just wanted to see... if there was anything I could do,' Sirius said, awkwardly.

'No,' Lily didn't quite understand what he thought he could help with. 'Are you done with your soup?'

'You know me, I devoured the thing in seconds. I eat like a dog.'

Lily just raised her eyebrow. Some jokes were getting old.

'You know,' Sirius said as he followed Lily into the living room: 'there are not many things I'd trust Wormtail with, but food - the man knows his stuff.'

'That's a bit harsh, seeming as he saved your life,' Lily said, frowning as she sat down on the sofa.

'Barely...' Sirius said, as casually as if they were discussing a broom race, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. 'I mean, I love the guy, but how he ever passed his NEWTs is a mystery to me.'

'Remus seemed to think he did a good job,' Lily lied - but then again, he could arguably have implied it. 'Remus said it was easy once they arrived.'

She didn't know why she felt like this mattered, except... Sirius' sometimes distasteful comments about Peter reminded her of the crueller side, not just to Sirius, but also James. The side that once had dominated her husband's behaviour, and which she liked to believe was gone.

'Of course it was easy,' Sirius said, his face now angry: 'Our rescue party seemed more concerned about stacking up the numbers than getting to us in time. There were two Death Eaters left by the time the Order arrived! TWO! We didn't need five or six Order members. ONE would have sufficed, if they'd come before James had been cursed - which, by the way, they nearly did - and then James would have been fine and-.'

'And what if Remus or Peter had shown up alone, just as James was cursed. Then what? Would you want one of them to single-handedly face two Death Eaters?'

'I WAS THERE!'

'BUT YOU WERE INJURED!'

Lily hadn't actually known this for sure. There was always a possibility Sirius got injured after James, but if James had been cursed just before the Order got there, it stood to reason.

Sirius didn't argue the point. His face was still flushed with anger, but it was starting to abate, losing ground to something else entirely.

Lily took a deep breath to calm herself.

'You know you are being unreasonable. The Order members didn't know how many Death Eaters they would be facing, or in what state they would find you or James. You should be glad they had sufficient numbers. How would you expect anyone to fight two Death Eaters alone while shielding you and James?'

She could see that she were getting somewhere, and she pressed on: 'And you know that would have been Remus and Peter's first priority - keeping you two from further harm.'

Guilt. It had been guilt that had started to take over Sirius' features. His face was now devoid of anger, but the pain etched across his face was a thousand times more horrific.

Lily realised that it wasn't just guilt over what he had just said. No, because she had always known what had eaten away at Sirius: 'That's how James got cursed in the first place, right? His first priority would have been to keep you safe.'

'I failed him,' Sirius croaked and he looked anywhere but at Lily. 'I begged him to leave me, believe me, Lily.'

Lily noticed that Sirius was shaking: 'It all happened so quickly. Both Death Eaters and Dementors were waiting for us - Dolohov amongst them, which in itself was worrisome. He should have arrived later, and it begged the question of where Fabian and Gideon were. We tried to disapparate immediately - we didn't know what had happened - but we weren't stupid. Something was wrong, we knew we had to get out.'

But the trap had been sprung, and of course, Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters had ensured that no one could escape.

'Sirius,' Lily began, as she got up from the sofa, pushed aside the small coffee table and knelt down in front of him. He was so pale, so desperate, so full of shame.

'Sirius, this wasn't your fault, and James would never have left you.'

'He should have,' Sirius said, his voice laced with pain. 'My leg - Lily - I was barely concious. I tried to fight, of course, but everything kept spinning. We had taken out three Death Eaters, and somehow, James got us away from Dolohov. We knew there were more Death Eaters around and Dolohov was by no means done fighting. But we had bought ourselves some time, and that was James' chance. He should have run for it.'

'James would never have left you,' Lily repeated.

'How can you say that?! Now of all times - he could have died and left you and... and...'

Lily blinked: 'You know?'

She wanted to be angry, mostly because it was so predictable of James to tell Sirius; to be unable to keep even this one secret away from him for a few weeks. But now was not the time.

'He told me,' Sirius said quietly, 'when I was begging him to leave me. He said that he was going to be a father, that I wasn't going to ruin the happiest day of his life by giving up.'

Sirius took a deep breath, and then said bitterly: 'So instead, I nearly got him killed.'

The self-loathing was evident in every word he uttered. But Lily, ashamed of herself, felt better. James hadn't planned on telling Sirius. In the heat of the battle, seeing that his best friend was resigned to die, James had pulled out every trick that he had, and Lily didn't blame him one bit.

'You said it yourself,' Lily said, 'James is strong and he's going to be fine.'

Sirius just kept looking at her, his grey eyes filled with unshed tears.

'I mean it! I am with James on this one. I would never have forgiven you if you had died. No, listen to me, I basically pushed James out that door to go on that mission, and I am not,' (and here she stared at him to convey as much sincerity as she could) 'I am not ever going to blame myself for that. If you think the pain James is going through now can compare with the pain he would be experiencing - that we would both be experiencing - if we were sitting here, healthy, knowing that you were gone, then you are completely delusional.'

James would never be able to recover from the loss of his best friend, Lily knew that.

Lily looked away so that Sirius could dry his eyes without having her stare at him.

Sirius said nothing for a long while, and neither did Lily.

'You're right. I am an idiot,' Sirius finally said, breaking the silence. 'And here I had come thinking I'd look after you, not the other way around.'

Lily smiled at Sirius: 'I would say that I don't need looking after, but... To tell you the truth, maybe we both need some looking after.'

A ghost of a smile traced his lips: 'yeah, maybe we do.'

'I won't ask if you're alright,' Lily said, thinking of Peter's question to her earlier. 'Because I know I am not, but you will be alright, won't you?'

Sirius nodded.

Lily got up and seated herself in the sofa.

'I am not leaving you tonight. I am taking the guest bedroom.'

Lily hadn't expected Sirius to leave, nor did she want him to.

'It's practically yours anyways.'

Sirius seemed to have more on his mind, however.

'Sirius?' she asked.

'I was thinking, maybe I should move in for a few weeks, while James is at St Mungo's... and maybe for his first weeks back here. We don't know how strong he'll be, and with you being pregnant... If you want me to, that is.'

And Lily did want him to. She nodded, and Sirius looked relieved.

'It's silly, but this whole pregnancy thing... I am suddenly worried the Death Eaters will find us here. Before, I always told myself I could fight my way out of it, but now, I can't afford getting hexed or cursed.'

'And I won't let you,' Sirius said fiercely.

'No, you won't,' Lily agreed.