Surviving Malfoy _ Part II : Anger and Depression

Audio Bullies 'We don't care' – What the fuck?!

Chapter 9:

Dear Blaise,

I hope you're doing alright, and you're not letting the bastards get you down. Debbie told me how life is at Hogwarts at the moment, and I've been reading a few snippets about it here and there. We still have a subscription to The Prophet.

You might be asking yourself why I'm writing, but knowing you, you probably have an idea already, but please hear me out.

I know Draco tried talking to you a few weeks ago. I've been talking to him— I won't explain how, he can tell you himself. I know you're angry with him and I know you've been blowing him off and I understand why, but he needs you.

You might have noticed that he's being followed by the two oafs every step he takes. I'm sure you already know this, but they're supposed to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't step out of line.

As ridiculous as it might sound to you, I've forgiven him for what he did. It's really not my place to say, but he had good reasons for doing what he did. He was put under pressure, and things were put at stake that he simply couldn't risk. I knew he was up to something last year, and I tried to protect him, but in the end, I couldn't. And now he's in a worse situation than ever. He isn't safe at home, and he isn't safe at school.

He needs a friend, Blaise. He can explain everything to you in detail if you just hear him out.

Love, J

I reap the results of that letter sooner than I hoped for. Debbie sends it off on a Saturday morning just before Halloween, and that following Thursday, Draco's coin burns me awake at two in the morning, just like it does every week. This time around, his message makes me recoil:

Who the hell do you think you are?

I suck in a sharp breath, but I don't get up. Instead, I hold the coin tightly in my hand and lay back down, listening to Aithne's slow, rhythmic breathing. I will ignore him and message him in the morning. He will see my response when he has calmed down, and we can talk like normal human beings.

I haven't taken Draco into account, though.

Moments later, his coin glows again. I know you're seeing this.

Fuck.

I rub the bridge of my nose, before quietly slipping out from under my covers. I slip Draco's coin into the pocket of my pajama shorts and tiptoe out the door, silently pulling it shut behind me and making my way up to the library. I take my sweet time, not in any hurry to respond to Draco and receive the scolding he clearly has in store for me. The library door clicks shut behind me, I grab a fresh roll of parchment on the way to my usual spot and let myself sink into the chair. I place the coin on the desk in front of me, where it glows again almost immediately.

Potter. I can almost hear him spit it out. He hasn't called me that once since we've started chatting like this. It turned into somewhat of a pet name last year — now it makes me hesitate. It's a dangerous word for him to have on a coin.

I bite my lip before I wave my wand over the coin.

Blaise talked to you? I toy with the idea of feigning ignorance, but it won't buy me much time, and it would only anger Draco more.

Obviously. He shoots back immediately, and I know the look that must be on his face at this exact moment— brows furrowed, grey eyes darkened. I don't get the chance to respond, he messages again within seconds. Why did you send him that?!

I groan. 'Because you're too proud to ask for help yourself, no matter how desperately you need it' is a little too long of a message for such a small coin, so instead I opt for:

You two needed a nudge.

You had no right. Comes his prompt answer.

I choose to ignore his response. Are you two talking?

None of your concern.

I raise an eyebrow, but again get no chance to respond as his next message glows red hot on the coin.

Do you realize how risky that was?

Did anyone see the letter? It's a rhetorical question. I know nobody has seen the letter, other than Blaise — if they had, we would not be talking right now.

They could have.

So, everything is fine. I shoot back in defiance.

You included my name. I can sense he wants to say much more, go off on a tirade and vent his anger. Suddenly I am quite glad to be limited to only a few short sentences on a coin.

Tell Blaise I said hi. I send back, knowing full well it would set him off. I roll the parchment back up; there's no relevant information for me to write down for Austin, and I am dead set on not responding to Draco until he's calmed down. I have just placed the unused parchment back on its shelf, when I hear the low creak of a chair. I spin around, my breath catching in my throat, before I stand petrified, facing the small figure sitting in the chair I occupied mere seconds ago.

Aithne's dirty blonde hair is gathered in a bun on the top of her head, and she's barefoot, the pale skin of her legs almost glowing in the moonlight where they peek out from under her nightdress.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I hiss, cursing myself. My wand is laying next to her, and she's turning Draco's coin over in her hand.

"What is this?" She ignores my question.

"Aithne, I'm not joking," I take three long strides towards her. "How did you even get in here?"

"We learnt disillusionment charms today," she says matter-of-factly, looking up at me with an innocent smile, Draco's coin still dangerously lodged between her fingers.

I glance back at the door and groan; I should've locked it. "Give me that coin," I say again, stretching out my hand, but she just keeps on inspecting it.

"I've seen you and Debbie playing with this," she muses.

I tighten my jaw, before trying for a distraction. "It's a fake coin from a joke shop," I say, annoyed. "Give it back."

Aithne raises her eyebrows at me. "So, you lock yourself in the library every Thursday night to play with a joke coin?" She asks slowly.

I pause again. "It's none of your business," I finally say.

She huffs, rolling her eyes at me. "Oh, come on," she says, hesitating for a moment. "I'm not that stupid. Debbie and you were never that secretive before, it has to be something juicy and I want in on it—"

"Aithne, last warning," I interrupt her and hold my hand under her nose again.

"You're talking to someone with this, aren't you?" A mischievous grin spreads across her face and I feel my nose flare. "Is it a boy?"

"Aithne," I hiss.

"Jay," she pleads. "We all know everything about Debbie's escapades," she pauses. "What's your deal?"

I blink at her before lunging forward to wrestle the coin out of her hands. She lets it go without much of a fight, and I grab my wand off the desk, reaching the library door in a few quick strides.

"Is it Casper?!" She calls after me.

I leave her behind, ignoring her groaning, and march back to our room, making sure to skip any squeaking floorboards or other treacherous steps on the way. I have a hard time not slamming the door shut behind me once I reach my destination. I open my hand and glance down at the coin.

Screw you.

A bubble of rage lodges itself in my throat, and I wave my wand over the galleon.

Ungrateful bastard.

I know I might regret that, so I throw the coin into my desk drawer with Hermione's, triple-locking it and putting a caterwauling charm over it for good measure. I stomp over to my bed and curl up under the covers, ignoring Aithne as she tiptoes back into our room a few moments later. There isn't much sleep for me the rest of the night. I get up early the next morning and go downstairs to breakfast before Aithne has even gotten out of bed. I glare at her, whenever I run into her in the hallways. She stares back unwaveringly, our wordless exchanges only interrupted by Debbie's raised eyebrows. She's picked up on it halfway through breakfast and can't contain her curiosity anymore by the end of lunch.

"Let's go for a walk after dinner," I tell her. "I need to get out of this house."

"What about your mom?" She asks, her brows furrowed.

"What about her?" I ask defiantly. "We used to go for walks all the time, we'll be fine."

Debbie glances at the kitchen door, behind which she knows my mother is standing, helping Martha clear up the dishes.

"You're a Matron, Debs," I state. "And I'm of age."

"Back door at seven?" She asks, the left corner of her mouth twitching upwards.

I nod and get up, carrying my empty plate into the kitchen before making my way up to the third floor into Madam Zollner's office. It's located on the western side of the house and is now bathed in the warm light of the afternoon sun. It has always presented a stark contrast to the sorts of things Zollner teaches her students within it.

Madam Zollner is known for her fascination for the Dark Arts, much like Snape had been at Hogwarts, but her reasons are different. She's dedicated her career to developing counter-curses and remedies to any hex she can find, testing them out on herself if she has to, which hasn't always ended well. She lost her right lower-arm long before I started at Salem.

She's been drilling me almost manically ever since classes have picked back up, pushing through the year seven curriculum and beyond it in one-on-one classes. She's keeping a close eye on the situation in Britain, and despite Fox's security measures, she's still convinced I am an easy target and thus wants to make sure I am adequately prepared. Defense spells have never been my strong suit and I have now grown to resent her just a little. There's one particular spell I have been dreading. Zollner hasn't mentioned it once, but I know it would inevitably come, and sure enough, she chooses today to spring it on me.

"We'll be working on your mind today," she barely looks up from her notes when I enter.

I groan. "Occlumency?"

Zollner freezes in her seat and looks up at me, a curious expression on her face. "You're familiar with the term?" She slowly closes the notebook that is laying on the desk in front of her and points at the chair opposite her.

No one knows what Draco had been teaching me last year. The results haven't been too great anyway, and it isn't an experience I necessarily want a repeat of.

"I've heard of it," I simply say, taking the seat that is offered to me.

"How much do you know about Occlumency?" Zollner pushes her chair back to get up.

"It's a way to defend yourself from Legilimency," I answer.

She nods, slowly walking over to her bookcase. "Have you ever met a Legilimens?" Thankfully, she doesn't give me the time to respond. "They're a sneaky bunch. If you're lucky, they aren't skilled enough to enter your mind without a wand and you'll at least be aware of what is happening," she pulls a thin, dark red book off the top shelf. "If you're unlucky, your opponent doesn't need a wand, or even an incantation, in which case someone might have already been in your mind, and you would have had no idea it was happening."

She drops the book on the desk in front of me, and I take the opportunity to avoid her gaze, picking it up and turning it over in my hands. Protection Charm Your Mind: A Practical Guide to Counter Legilimensy by Franciscus Fieldwake. I feel the hairs rising on the back of my neck. Draco never mentioned to me that Legilimency could be performed wandlessly or without the victim noticing it's happening.

"Occlumency isn't on the curriculum. Very few people ever feel the need to learn Legilimency and even fewer are apt enough to perform it in secret, so Salem doesn't deem it necessary to teach its counter-curse to students." Zollner sits back down in her chair, propping her elbow on her desk. "Really, I should've taught you this years ago, considering where Madam Fox and your mother decided to send you. But we all thought you would be safe under Dumbledore, and look what that got us."

I look up from the book, meeting her eyes. "I was safe under Dumbledore," I retort.

A quick smile crosses her face. "I know. What I'm saying is that we should have better prepared you for what you might encounter. We don't know how long this war will be or where it will lead you. On the off chance it does lead you into enemy territory, I want to make sure you will be able to defend yourself physically as well as mentally," she pauses. "We'll start slow. The book is a quick read; it'll offer you some basic guidelines on how to clear your mind and shut off your emotions. I want you to practice that. Set aside half an hour every day and try emptying your mind, try not to feel anything. Whatever situation you get into in the next couple of weeks, try reacting as rationally as possible, don't let your emotions guide you, and don't let your adversary see how you feel. We'll work on countering the Imperius Curse over the next couple of weeks. Both work in similar ways, so it should help you with Occlumency too. Once you're ready, we'll see if you can keep me out of your head."

I blink at her. "The Imperius Curse?"

She gives me another quick smile. "I won't make you do anything too ridiculous."

I shake my head in confusion. "I don't understand. We won't be practicing Occlumency today?"

Zollner raises her eyebrows. "Of course not, you've never done anything like it. We wouldn't get very far by just throwing you in the deep end; this needs mental preparation. The Imperius curse is similar, but it's more of a fight. You need to actively defy the urge to do as I say, there's no way around me performing it on you."

I spend the next two hours laying on the floor. No matter how many times Zollner tells me to try and get up, the urge to just lay still and not move off the floor is too great whenever she has me under the curse, and I have no willpower to fight it. My head is too preoccupied, too angry at Draco, too upset with Aithne, too worried about my brother and Hermione. It's noticeable, and I know it is the exact thing Madam Zollner wants me to stop doing. But I'm grateful to her, for being understanding enough and not telling me off on the first try for once. My homework is to meditate, I am to sit down once a day and shut out the world. An empty mind is in illegible one are the first words of the book Zollner gave me, and I am to live by them.

I have an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach all through dinner. I always thought that Draco had only been teaching me Occlumency to try and get into my head, but so far I've always pushed it aside. My last two words to him are still etched into the golden coin when I check on it after class. I know he's unlikely to respond before his next Arithmancy class, but I have to fight the urge to send him a few more unkind words. I try starting on my homework right then and there and loosening the knot of anger in my stomach, but it only causes me to think about him more. My mind isn't a toy.

"You okay?" Debbie is already sitting on the back porch waiting for me, her deep blue cloak hanging from her arm. It's still warm outside but no longer so hot you can't leave the house without a cloak imbued with a cooling charm. I left mine behind in my room.

"Long day," I say, catching up to her as she starts walking towards the small gate at the back of our garden that is conveniently out of sight from the kitchen window. We take a left and walk on straight at the next crossing. There's a park at the end of the road we are all too familiar with and that we used to walk to every day, almost on autopilot. "No one weird around?" I ask, keeping my eye out for any odd distortions in the background, Aithne's disillusionment trick still fresh in my mind.

Debbie shakes her head. "There are a couple road workers ahead, but they seem legit. So, what did Aithne do?" I can always count on Debbie to jump right into the thick of it.

I pause before answering. "I was talking to Hermione last night. I've been sneaking into the library at night, so she wouldn't notice. I wasn't careful enough and left the door open. Fox taught the fifth years disillusionment charms yesterday apparently."

I sense Debbie shooting me a look. "How much did she read?"

My jaw tenses. "I don't think she read much. I would've felt her standing next to me. But she managed to get a hold of the coin when I left it sitting on a desk. There wasn't anything relevant on it," I add quickly as Debbie visibly tenses.

She stays silent for a moment. "Want me to put her in detention?"

I huff but don't respond. I want to tell Debbie about Draco, but she would likely strangle me on the spot. I know Blaise has blabbed to her about him; she knows more about his past than I do, and she's been dropping subtle hints about what she thinks of him left and right in the past few months. Even my excuse of only doing it for Austin won't hold up very long under her scrutiny. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not only doing it to help Austin out. I've known from the start what I'm getting myself into, and I was prepared not to talk to anyone about it. But the more time goes on and the more I find out about Draco's patterns of behavior, the more I feel the need to share my thoughts with someone. Not Austin, someone I can openly vent to.

"What are you going to do about her?"

"Huh?"

Debbie pulls me back out of my thoughts. "Aithne. You're not gonna let her get away with it, are you?"

We've reached the edge of the park, the center of which is made up by a round fountain, surrounded by five wrought-iron benches. We walk along the paved pathway closest to us, winding itself around the large oak trees. It's deserted, save for a few kids playing at the other end, and we sit down on the edge of the fountain.

"I'm going to ignore her for now," I say. "Not much I can do, except keep her away from that coin. She doesn't know how to use it, but still. You never know what kind of message might pop up on it."

"Let me know if she gets on your nerves," Debbie says. "I'll give her lines."

I snort. "I'd rather have a peaceful coexistence with my roommate if you don't mind."

"She's a brat though. I can always find something to tell her off for."

I give her a look. "I still don't understand why Fox thought it would be wise to give you any form of authority in that house."

She grins at me impishly and pauses for a bit. "So, did you hear anything new from Hermione?"

I shake my head no. "They're still stuck, keeping their heads down," I bite my lip. "When do you think you're gonna hear back from Blaise?"

"It'll probably be another week," she shrugs. "He needs to wait for his next Hogsmeade weekend before he can send anything back; it's a bit tricky."

"I'm surprised they get to leave the castle at all," I say.

"Oh, if he wasn't a Slytherin, he definitely wouldn't get to. I think they're trying to recruit him as a Death Eater, so they're giving him more privileges. Make it sound more attractive to him, you know."

I bite my lip. "As long as they're not forcing the mark on him."

Debbie pauses again. "Dad thinks that's well under way," she says quietly. "He thinks they're planning on making students take the mark as soon as they start attending school, to turn them all into little soldiers."

"Like a Death Eater training center," I say grimly. Debbie just nods. "Do you think Blaise is still safe?"

Debbie shrugs. "They have bigger fish to fry for now. I think Blaise'll be done with school before anything like this happens. Dad wants him out as soon as possible though."

I frown at her. "What's he planning on doing?"

"There's nothing he can do," Debbie huffs. "But it's driving him mad with worry. He was arguing with Theresa all summer, trying to get her to let Blaise move here, but she just ignored him. You know how she is."

I have vividly unpleasant memories of Blaise and Debbie's mother.

"Are you gonna tell me what you wrote to him?" Debbie asks when I don't respond.

"I need to know what he responds first," I falter, avoiding her gaze.

"This better not be about Malfoy."

Who else would it be about? I ignore her. "Let me know when he answers."

I can see her grinding her teeth, but I cut her off before she can say anything. "Just trust me and let me know when he answers."

"Fine," Debbie grumbles.

She thankfully drops the subject after that. We sneak back into the house an hour later, unbeknownst to anyone, even my mother. She doesn't seem to have noticed we've been gone at all, as there is no hint of her knowing I have left the house without her permission the next day either.

Aithne hasn't said a peep to me. She was already in bed by the time I crept into our room. I still send her the occasional angry look whenever I notice her glancing at me, but she doesn't try pressing me again for another few weeks. Even if she did, I would have precious little to talk to her about; Draco stays silent the following three Thursdays, and I stay strong, never sending him anything either. Instead, I concentrate on Madam Zollner's homework assignment whenever I get the urge to take out his galleon. I try to push aside any feelings of frustration or hurt that might creep up, ridding my mind of Draco as best I can and carry on ignoring him. I still take out his coin every Wednesday evening, placing it carefully under my pillow so I do notice when it finally glows hot again.