Surviving Malfoy _ Part II : Anger and Depression

Cardi B 'Money' – Cold Ass Bitch.

Chapter 18:

He looks so peaceful and at ease with the world when he sleeps. Only the bright red rim around his eyes gives any indication of the night he had. His breathing is even and shallow, his lips parted just the slightest bit. He doesn't snore, he never has, but he lets out little sighs every once in a while. He's dreaming; I can see his eyes twitch underneath their lids. But his brows aren't furrowed, so it can't be a bad dream. His hair is tousled, a few strands hanging loosely over his forehead, the rest spread over his pillow or sticking up at odd angles.

These are all observations I have made before, on the rare occasions I woke at night or before him in the mornings in the Room of Requirements. I brush my fingers through his hair, smoothing a few strands of it back where they belong. He gives a muffled groan but doesn't wake. He rolls onto his back and turns his head to the other side, pulling away the arm that was resting on my hip.

He's been asleep for hours, mercifully undisturbed. I've been lying next to him, unable to close an eye. It took ages to calm him down. He sobbed for what felt like hours, and I sat sobbing right there with him, as we clung to each other. Alf offered us a stronger calming drought each, but we both refused it, choosing to let each other cry until we couldn't anymore. My head throbs, and I envy Draco for the deep sleep he seems to be in. But my body won't let me drift off. I am too on edge, still preoccupied with the screams I heard the night before and feeling like I need to watch over Draco's sleep, making sure he gets enough of it, dreading the moment he wakes up.

I know he feels immense guilt and I know it will roll over him the second he regains consciousness. That's the other reason I didn't leave him to sleep on his own - I need him to know, as soon as he wakes up, that I understand, that I do not blame him. And that he shouldn't blame himself, that he isn't responsible for things that are out of his control. That they are using him and that if he lets it eat him up inside, he is only giving them more power over him.

I watch as he sleeps, his chest rising and falling steadily with each breath. Hours pass like this, I still have no clue how many, but when Alf suddenly appears next to my side of the bed, I first assume he is here to bring us lunch.

"Miss must go to the bathroom right away," the elf whispers, his ears hanging in apparent worry. He's wringing his hands.

I turn gently towards him. "What?"

"Miss must go to the bathroom." The elf repeats. " Miss must go quickly! Mistress Bella is on her way to see Master Draco."

My stomach turns and I feel as if my heart is about to stop. "What?" I ask stupidly.

"Mistress Bella -" Alf's eyes dart back and forth between me and the door to the hallway.

Finally, I wake out of my stupor and sit up, throwing the covers off me. Draco stirs but doesn't wake. There's a knock on the door. Alf stills and I feel the hairs rise on the back of my neck. "Miss…" Alf pleads quietly and I get out of bed. I run to the bathroom as quietly as possible, Alf hot on my heels, and fling myself into the same corner I spied on Draco's parents from last night.

Alf pushes the bathroom door shut just as Bellatrix knocks on Draco's door again. The elf snaps his fingers and thick chains appear, bolted to the wall behind me. I click the shackles around my ankles. I feel their cold, heavy weight on my legs and pull on them, chafing the skin around my ankle bones, trying to make it look like I've been chained up for a while.

"Draco!" Bellatrix' muffled voice comes from outside, accompanied by another knock. Draco's sheets rustle.

"Clothes." I mouth at Alf, and he snaps his fingers again, transforming the soft silk pajamas I'm wearing into a dirty old T-shirt. "Hit me." Alf recoils. "I can't sit here unbruised."

Alf's eyes dart to the door. I hear Draco get out of bed, his footsteps are audible as he goes to open the door for his aunt. "Please," I mouth at the elf. He hesitantly walks towards me, but finally raises his hand, just as Bellatrix walks into Draco's room. He strikes me with a closed fist, it takes me a moment to register the pain. He hasn't broken it, but I feel blood slowly trickle from my nose.

"Alf is sorry, Miss," the elf squeaks. I put a finger to my lips and we both stare at the door. Draco and his aunt are on the other side, but the door is so thick, I can't make out a word of what they are saying.

"Go," I whisper to Alf. "Play your role." I wipe at my nose, the blood smears across my face and hand and I try mopping it up with the T-shirt. I take a few shaky breaths and try organizing my mind. I push the previous night's events down as far as possible, try conjuring up thoughts of Draco hitting me, choking me, slamming my head against the wall-

"She's still confused." The door opens. I jumble my thoughts, throwing things together or ripping them apart, stuffing anything incriminating down into the cellar and hoping it will hold a second time.

I feel myself starting to shake. Bellatrix stands in the doorway, and I cower in front of her. I immediately avert my eyes, avoiding eye contact by staring at my blood-soaked fingers.

"So that's how you've been keeping the girl," Bellatrix drawls. "Your father thought you'd be keeping her in your bed. He owes me five galleons."

Malfoy chuckles and I feel a shiver run down my spine. "I'm giving her some privacy; I was raised to be a gentleman after all."

"And you say she's still confused. Are you sure she's not deceiving you?''

"Absolutely sure. I've gone through her head daily since the dark Lord gave her to me. You've been quite thorough on New Year's Eve."

"Maybe I should give it another try?'' Bellatrix slides her wand out of her pocket. I press myself as far into the corner of the room as I can, hugging my knees to my chest in a desperate attempt to get away from her.

"I'd rather you didn't," Malfoy says. "I've been making some progress with her. Knowing you, I'll be back at square one once you're done with her."

"You're too gentle sometimes, Draco," Bellatrix says coldly. "Too much like your mother."

"Slow and steady wins the race."

"As you wish. She's your little project, you do what you think is best. But don't forget the Dark Lord is expecting to see results soon. Don't be too lenient."

"Don't worry, I'm not," Malfoy says cruelly.

Bellatrix pauses for a moment before she huffs and turns on her heel. "And how was your night with Fenrir, nephew?"

Draco follows her out of the bathroom and shuts the door behind them.

I exhale slowly through gritted teeth and let go of my knees. The shackles around my ankles feel heavy, but I can't get rid of them on my own. I empty my mind, unsure whether it is safe to reorganize what I just so hastily threw around. But I can't keep all of my thoughts in check, not with so little time to prepare. The image of Draco, peacefully asleep next to me in bed keeps creeping up, out of my basement, no matter how hard I try to keep it down. It's too fresh, too tender.

This is no good. If Bellatrix changes her mind, Draco and I will both be in trouble. I pull my knees back up and bury my face between them, the pounding in my chest matching the pounding in my head. But no matter how hard I try, I can't get Draco's vicious snarl to stick over the pained expression he wore last night.

The door flings open, and I flinch so hard I almost hit my head against the wall. Draco sinks to the floor in front of me and gently takes my chin, turning my face towards him. "What did you do?"

It takes me a moment to realize what he means. My nose still aches dully, but it's the last thing on my mind. I wipe at it, smearing more blood across my hand. "That was Alf."

"Alf?" The elf appears, ears hanging low at Draco's subtly threatening tone.

"I made him do it," I interject before the elf can say a word. "The shackles too." Draco stares down at my naked legs and I quickly press them together.

"Alf is sorry, Master," the elf squeaks.

He doesn't respond. He takes out his wand and I feel the weight of the chains lift off my feet. Draco carefully syphons up the blood, first off my face and then off my hands. "Get her a change of clothes and then make us some tea." He sighs and takes a step back, stretching out his hands to help me off the floor. "Are you okay?''

"I'm fine." I nod, not looking him in the eye. Alf reappears a moment later and hands me a set of underwear, black trousers, and a grey cashmere sweater.

"I'll be next door." Draco's voice sounds weirdly controlled.

When I have changed, Alf has already set the tea and a plate of scones onto Draco's desk and now stands by the fireplace, playing with the hem of his pillowcase, ears still hanging low.

"I asked him to hit me Malfoy," I reiterate.

"I know you did," Draco says. "I have more pressing matters to discuss with him. My aunt mentioned trying to get into my room last night. Didn't I ask you to inform me as soon as I got back?" He turns towards the elf, arms crossed over his chest.

Alf's eyes flicker to me. "Alf didn't-"

I cut him off, "You were in no state to do anything about it this morning." I take a protective step towards the elf. "You were completely besides yourself. I don't even want to know how you would have reacted if Alf had told you."

Draco's expression hardens. "You knew about this?'

"I didn't notice a thing. Your wards held just fine," I say dryly.

Draco stands, towering over the elf. "How did she try to get in here?"

"Mistress Bella only tried for a little while, Sir," Alf says. "Mistress Bella only tried the door, Sir, never the wards. So, Alf didn't need- Alf didn't try-" He breaks off and I only have a split second to react. Alf flings himself towards the flames and I lunge forward to catch him, picking him up in my arms. He struggles, trying to free himself. Draco doesn't even flinch.

"Malfoy!" I hiss, trying my best to keep the toddler-sized elf from wiggling free.

"Alf stop." The elf freezes, then goes limp in my arms. Draco looks at me and I glare up at him. "Don't punish yourself."

I gently let Alf back down and he sways a little when I put him on his feet, so I keep my hands on his shoulders to steady him. He's looking down at the floor, ears hanging lower than I've ever seen them. "Alf is sorry, Sir," he squeaks.

"He did nothing wrong," I say, "You needed healing first before we could address anything else. You were close to bleeding out when you walked in here and you can count yourself lucky Alf was able to find everything I needed to treat your bites in time, or you might've just bled out." Draco's jaw twitches. "I sent him away this morning because you needed rest. You ordered him to give me anything I needed or wanted, and he did exactly as he was told. If anything, I think a ,thank you Alf' would be in order. But if you absolutely need to scold someone, scold me."

Draco raises an eyebrow, pausing before he speaks, his eyes not leaving mine. "You can go."

I let go of Alf's shoulders and the elf disappears with a soft popping sound. "It's not up to you whether I punish my servant or not," Draco says coldly.

I raise my eyebrows in turn and cross my arms over my chest, mirroring his stance. "You were bleeding out Malfoy," I repeat slowly. "You were completely out of it. Frankly if Alf had told you about your aunt, it might have sent you straight into shock. I'm glad he didn't."

Draco finally looks away, his cheeks flushed the slightest bit. He changes the subject. "How did you even know what you would need to heal me?"

My throat closes up immediately as memories of the previous night flood my mind. I swallow hard. "You missed a spot in your wards," I say quietly and Draco's eyes flicker with alarm. "Just a tiny one. By the baseboard in the bathroom, on the wall to the drawing room. I couldn't see, but I heard a couple things," I whisper the last sentence, eyes wearily on Draco as he freezes in place at my words.

"What kind of things?'' he asks quietly.

"Your mother wasn't particularly thrilled. About the children - being brought here," I say carefully.

Draco flinches and rubs his face with his hand, his eyes glistening with tears again.

"You had no choice."

He shakes his head. "I could have..." his voice breaks. "I should have- tried harder, made my own wolfsbane."

"A working wolfsbane potion is insanely complicated and takes weeks to brew. You wouldn't even have had the time-"

"I should've known they would plan something like this. I should have been prepared."

"No one could have predicted something this cruel," I say. "It's complete madness and incredibly dangerous. Your mother's right, werewolves aren't fit to form an army, they can't be controlled properly, they would just wreak havoc, so what would even be the point?''

Draco flinches at the mention of his mother but ignores it otherwise. "The point is for them to wreak havoc. The plan is to let them loose in areas where the resistance is strong, scare people into submitting to the Dark Lord. They're disposable and we have a long list of muggleborn children, so they're replaceable too." He visibly blanches. "I'm supposed to train them over the next few weeks, keep them in check - as much as six-year-olds need keeping in check. I'll get the potion before the next full moon, to make sure they behave and only attack who they're supposed to. It also means I can try and-" his voice breaks again. "And keep as many of them alive as I can, but..."

I am at his side in two long steps, slipping my arms around his neck and pulling him down far enough for his head to rest on my shoulder. He hesitates, but eventually slings his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. He burrows his face in my shoulder and I hold him. When he finally lets go, his eyes are blood-shot but there are no tears on his face. He sinks into the couch and rests his elbows on his knees. I sit down beside him, pulling one leg onto the sofa so I can face him more easily.

"How many were there?'' I ask.

"We were only three wolves," Draco says without facing me. "Greyback, me and someone I didn't recognize. It could be anyone really, someone who got bitten years ago or a Death Eater who volunteered. No one got the potion beforehand, but Greyback doesn't need it, he learnt how to control himself without it in the first war. He kept riling us up so we would bite the right children."

He misunderstood me, perhaps on purpose, but now that he brought it up "how many children?"

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. He hangs his head with a deep sigh and finally turns his face towards me. "I'm not sure how many got bitten in total, I didn't pay enough attention. I- I got seven..."

My heart drops. "Seven?!" I ask before I can hold myself back. "All muggleborn children in one town?"

Draco flinches. "Not all of them. Most of them were muggle kids who got in the way. Didn't really make a difference, we were expected to bite whatever crossed our paths. How many did you hear get brought in last night?"

"I stopped listening after two," I say quietly, their voices are still echoing through my head.

Draco pauses. "Well, I'll find out soon enough."

"You're expected to train them," I state and Draco nods. "When will you start?''

"In a week or two. They need to heal first and muggle blood reacts differently to werewolf bites and potions. I know one already..." He trails off but I don't need him to finish his sentence.

I nod gently. "Where are they being kept?" I ask, remembering his mother's disdain at them being brought to her house.

Draco looks at me skeptically. "I'm not sure yet. But I'll let you know as soon as I find out." He speaks slowly, raising an eyebrow. Almost questioningly.

"Have you spoken to Blaise recently?" I take his hint.

"Not since New Year's."

"You should." I let the suggestion hang for a moment. "His hearing is soon."

Draco nods. "I'll speak to him once it's clear he's not coming back."

"That might be a good idea."

Silence falls over us. Draco lowers his eyes, and stares down at his hand as he plays with his fingernails. I rub a hand over my face, the lack of sleep is making itself noticeable and my nose still throbs slightly, as does my head. I slowly get up and walk over to the desk, pour two mugs of tea, and walk back to my spot on the couch. I hand one of the mugs to Draco, who doesn't look up when he takes it from me. Sleep is out of the question for now.

"She'll try again," I murmur.

Draco takes a sip of his tea, but otherwise doesn't react to my observation.

"We need a better game plan, Malfoy." I press on.

"You know what my game plan would be," he responds dryly.

"And you know what we agreed," I say just as dryly. "I mean we need a game plan until then." I pause. "You'll be out more now, and she'll try getting in here. As much as you trust your wards, we need to be prepared for the worst-case scenario."

"And what do you propose we do?"

I ignore his tone. "Fake memories. I can make them up myself, but we'll need you to remember the same things in case she double checks."

"No."

"Malfoy-"

"She won't get past the wards."

"You can't guarantee that. She's powerful."

"The wards are powerful."

"She's more powerful than you."

His jaw twitches.

"Don't deny it."

He pauses. "And what makes you think your Occlumency is more powerful than her?"

"I've done it before." I take a sip of my tea. "I can do it again."

"Yes." Draco pauses. "How did you do it?"

I take a deep breath. "I locked them away. Anything I didn't want her to see, I stuffed as far down as possible, out of sight. I let her roam free around everything else, so she wouldn't think I was putting up any resistance. It didn't work perfectly." I look at him over the rim of my mug. "Certain... Memories threatened to come up when you spoke, so I quickly threw things together to throw her off track. It was a reflex really, more of an accident. But if we plan it out properly, I think we can throw her off our scent."

"So, you want to make up fake memories to show her?"

"In case she breaks in here, yes."

"You realize that if she does, she'll take her time going through your head?" Draco raises an eyebrow at me.

"Yes."

"And she would-"

"Use the same methods as last time, yes," I interrupt him.

"So, you agree keeping her away from you entirely would be preferable?"

"I don't, no."

He stares at me.

"The stronger you make your wards, the more she'll think you have something to hide and the harder she'll look. I actually think it would be safer to let her get to me at least once."

"No." He shakes his head vigorously.

"I can take it."

"Potter, she's tortured people into madness before."

"She can't take it that far," I say. "Remember, You-Know-Who is expecting results from you. If she drives me insane, you wouldn't be able to get anything useful out of me anymore and it would be entirely her fault. If you play it right, you might even be able to use that against her: once she has tortured me, you could say she set my mind back a few weeks and ruined the progress you made. It would deter her from trying again."

Draco blinks at me. "You're already insane," he mumbles. "And what if it doesn't work? What if she finds the memories you're trying to hide?"

"There are ways to prevent that," I say slowly.

"There's no guarantee you'll ever get your memories back if we erase them, that's out of the question."

"I'm not talking about a memory charm. We just weed to hide them well enough."

Draco frowns. "What are you suggesting?"

"I organize my mind like a house. Anything I don't want your aunt to find, I hide away in the basement, and I lock and hide the door in such a way that even I almost forget it exists. But it's not entirely foolproof. I didn't want to forget for good, so I always kept hold of a vague idea of where to find them. But if we work together, I would be able to lock them away entirely. Your aunt wouldn't be able to find them because the key to them wouldn't be in my mind, it would be in yours." I pause. "Do you see what I mean?"

"You're insane," he says.

"Do you have a better idea?" He raises an eyebrow at me, and I roll my eyes in return. "Do you have a safer idea?"

He averts his eyes. "This is insane," he reiterates.

"But it would work."

"And at what cost? She would still torture you."

"It's still better than death," I say. "As long as she can't take it too far."

Draco clenches his teeth. He gets up from the couch and sets his almost untouched tea down on his desk. "You're right, it's so insane it might actually work," he nods, then adds under his breath "Fucking Gryffindor."

"It's sneaky enough to be Slytherin." I shoot him a smirk he doesn't return.

"You should sleep," he says, ignoring me.

"So, we're doing this?"

He doesn't answer right away. "I'll think about it while you sleep. You haven't slept all night, I'm not making any plans with you until you have."

"I'll take that as a yes," I say.

Draco exhales. "Alf." The elf appears. "Get her a sleeping draught." The elf disappears.

"I don't need a sleeping draught," I say, getting up off the couch.

"It'll keep the nightmares away." Alf reappears and hands me a small vial. "I'll make sure nothing happens while you sleep." Draco says and I finally slip into a dreamless slumber as soon as my head hits the pillow.