Author's note:
Made it on time this time! Barely, lol. Next posting date will be July 15th... hopefully that'll give me enough time...
Warnings: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS? I just reread this whole chapter and I can't remember? But it's got some heavy topics with Brooklynn so if you've come this far, you know what to look out for.
Enjoysies!
"Oh, look, Teen Mom's awake," Kenji sneers as Yasmina yawns.
The athlete groans as her friends laugh. "Haha, very funny," she grumbles, stretching her stiff arms. They were caught under Ben and achy from staying in the same position all night.
"CNN called, they want to make a news story about you," Darius quips, grinning mischievously at her.
"Ughhhh," Yasmina grumbles, smacking her face with the pillow.
"You may have fooled us, but I'll make sure you regret ever pulling this," Kenji says, laughing maniacally.
"Of course you will," Yasmina pinches the bridge of her nose, knowing she already regretted everything.
Sleepily, the group disassembles their sleep pile and stretches their sore limbs. Despite the aches that came from being cramped in a bed, they were happy. It reminded them of sleeping together on the island, huddled together for survival wherever they could. It was nostalgic; comforting as memories of the sweet times came back.
"Did you guys sleep well?" Mrs. Fadoula asks in the kitchen as Darius and Kenji walk in.
"Yep, it was great," the alpha male says, cracking his neck.
Yasmina's mother shrugs in a you-do-you way, not understanding how six teens in one bed could be comfortable.
Frozen waffles are toasted for breakfast while Mrs. Fadoula makes eggs. "So, how does it feel to be sixteen, mini mom?" Jabari teases.
Yasmina glares at him, passive aggressively taking a bite of egg.
"Careful, that might give you morning sickness," Sammy says, gently grabbing the athlete's fork and laughing.
"Here's a bucket if you need," Kenji says, handing her a small plastic container.
"We can help you down the stairs if you feel too uneasy," her step-father teases with a grin.
Yasmina groans and face plants onto the table painfully to show her disapproval.
"Pregnant women aren't that weak, jeez," Mrs. Fadoula rolls her eyes.
Kenji gasps, then lays his head against her stomach. "Is that the baby kicking?" He receives a sharp elbow jab to the head as Yasmina rolls her eyes far back enough to see her brain.
"Alright, I figured after breakfast, we'd get in bathing suits and head back down to the beach one last time," Mr. Fadoula says.
"I'll stay behind and clean up," Mrs. Fadoula says. "Get dressed in whatever you're going down in, and set aside what you'll wear in the car. Anything else you don't need, pack up."
"Oh no, will your bathing suits fit your baby bump?" Kenji asks, blinking rapidly at Yasmina.
"You are so obnoxious," the athlete spits, just about done with the whole prank backfiring.
"Ahhh, but am I?" he grins. "You're a good liar, so are you telling the truth?"
She purses her lips and acts annoyed as the others laugh, but inside she was hurt. "You did this to yourself, Yaz," she thinks. "You went through with the prank. You lied to them, you led them on and made them think you were pregnant… You got them emotionally invested, only to reveal it was a lie…"
The athlete glances at Brooklynn. She was sitting at the end of the island, picking at her food absentmindedly. The whole morning, she had been relatively silent. She seemed emotionally distant from everyone. "You did that to her… You lied to her and hurt her…" guilt spits.
"It was just supposed to be a prank," Yasmina thinks, angry at herself. "I didn't want to hurt anyone… Especially not my friends… Why, oh, why didn't I think it through?! Of course, it would hurt them! I was lying to them and manipulating them! I was playing with their emotions and leading them on! I led them on for most of the day! I got them upset and afraid for me, only to realize it wasn't real… Why wouldn't Brooklynn be hurt by it?"
"What if I've hurt her for good… What if this breaks us apart entirely?" fear murmurs.
"What if she never opens up?" guilt whispers. "What if I broke her trust and now she's like me? Scared of ever opening up again? What if I've just pushed her farther into depression and…"
Yasmina shakes her head, refusing to think about that. "No, she can't… If I did that to her… I'd never forgive myself…"
"What was fake?" Brooklynn asks, shaking Yasmina from her thoughts. The pinkette sounded disappointed. "What happened in the past two weeks that was fake?"
Her one green seemed distraught; she was asking how much she had been lied to. How much distrust should she have in Yasmina and Ben?
"Um…" Yasmina bites her lip. Where did they start? "I think the first time I alluded to the idea that something was wrong was when I slept over at Sammy's house after Brandon's party."
"Oh, yeah, we were talking about how we were afraid of losing a friend," Sammy said.
"Still a valid fear I have, I just… left it vague to point to something going on," Yasmina explains. "I acted a lot more wounded at home than around you guys. I remembered the most when around my family. I forgot about you guys, sometimes. You guys… weren't the main targets."
"Didn't feel like it," Darius chuckles.
The athlete rolls her eyes but inside she was kicking herself. "The next time I left a hint was before Kenji went to meet his lawyer. Ben and I acted awkward in front of Kenji and Sammy. Then there was the age of consent laws."
"I was completely unsure what to do then," Ben chuckles. "You got very tense and stiff and I wasn't sure if it was acting or if you were really scared."
"Really scared, it caused a real flashback," Yasmina says. "I wasn't even thinking about the prank at that point… That law did make me question whether I should go through with it or not, though."
"No, we did act a little bit when Kenji suggested we did it together," Ben reminds her.
"Oh, right, yeah, and that led to the baddabing, baddaboom of a monkey's bongos," Yasmina chuckles.
"Psht, you remembered, you're just acting," Kenji accuses in fun.
Yasmina feels her throat tighten. She was always going to be a liar now…
"You did that… You made a liar out of yourself," guilt pounces. "I despise lying… I hate it when people lie to me… I become distrustful… Being cynical is my entire personality! And look what I did! I turned around and lied to my friends! For what?! A stupid prank? No wonder they were pissed! No wonder Brooklynn's mad! I make such a big deal about lying, then turn around and do it! I'm a hypocrite! I'm a freaking hypocrite! I deserve to be lied to… There was no reason for me to lie to them… If they wanted to lie to me, I have no room to protest… I'm a hypocrite… Why wouldn't Brooklynn hate me…?"
"So, what about when you told us you had a crush on Ben?" Sammy's voice brings her back.
The athlete's head snaps to attention, taken aback while Ben laughs. "Wait, you told them you had a crush on me? I'm not sure if that makes the prank more believable or less believable."
Yasmina stutters, taken off guard. "Uh, um, yeah, well, obviously it-it made it easier because they obviously believed it! Heh."
Ben shrugs in agreement before turning back to his plate for a second. In that moment, the athlete sent Sammy a "I'm going to kill you later" look.
"So… you don't have a crush on Ben?" Kenji asks, quirking an eyebrow. She couldn't tell if he was amused or irritated.
"N-no, we're just friends!" Yasmina insists, panicking. She didn't want to lie, but when she glanced at Ben's grinning face… she just couldn't get the words out. "D*** it! it isn't just Kenji!" she thinks, recalling when she teased Kenji for not being able to tell Sammy how he felt. Now she really felt stupid…
"Are you sure?" Kenji asks, jeeringly and unintentionally twisting the knife further. "You sure you're not just lying because you can't get the words out? Are you getting tongue tied? Are you crushing on Ben?"
Yasmina's lips tighten and she glares at her friend, daring him to speak again.
"Oh, stop it, leave her alone," Ben obliviously comes to her defense, waving Kenji off. "Don't pressure her into liking me. If she says she doesn't have a crush, just leave it at that. She's not a liar."
"I'd beg to differ," Kenji lifts an eyebrow, puffing out his stomach and pretending it was a baby bump.
"One time prank, let it go," Ben chuckles. "She's just a friend."
"ShE's jUst a friEnd," Brooklynn sneers under her breath, fluttering her fingers in mockery before tsching in annoyance.
"Finish eating if you guys want to go to the beach!" Mrs. Fadoula urges, gesturing to the clock to remind them of the time.
Yasmina gulps. She really regretted pulling that prank now. No one believed her when she told the truth now! And Brooklynn was acting different… distant… all because of Yasmina's actions…
Yasmina takes the coral bathroom first, trying to recover as an anxiety attack comes. She tries to stifle the tears slipping from her eyes. She couldn't cry now… They'd accuse her of lying and faking it… Why did she have to be so good at acting? Why did she pull the prank?! Now she was scared of getting help for fear that the others wouldn't believe her!
Worst of all, she had hurt Brooklynn… Her mind goes through all the possible scenarios, envisioning her friend leaving her. She pictures Brooklynn closing off… She pictures Brooklynn slowly pulling away from the athlete. She sees Brooklynn in her room alone, crying tears of betrayal.
Did Brooklynn feel betrayed? Did she not like being lied to for no reason like that? Was it the feeling that now she couldn't trust Yasmina that was making her distant? Was she mad that Yasmina toyed with her emotions? Was it something else? How could she fix this?!
"I said I was sorry…" Yasmina thinks, leaning against the bathroom counter and watching her tears drip into the sink. "That doesn't help… Doesn't do any good, though… Words can't take back wounds… How can I fix this if I don't know how I hurt her? I mean, I know how I hurt her, but I don't know exactly what damage it did… I've said sorry, but I want to be more specific… I want to know the extent of the damage… What exactly did I do to her… and how can I fix it…"
"I'll never be able to fix it… If she shuts down even more, it's my fault… If she pulls away from me and the others, it's my fault… I'm the one who hurt her… I'm the one who lied to her… I'm the one who betrayed her… It's my fault…"
Crying salty tears of guilt and shame, Yasmina looks up at the mirror. A black, boa constrictor-like creature was wrapped around her neck and down around her wrists, slithering tighter and tighter.
The athlete screams and falls backwards, clawing at her neck and hands. There was nothing there…
"Yaz?" her mother calls as Ghaleb opens the bathroom door.
Picking herself up, Yasmina looks in the mirror again, but doesn't see the snake again. "What happened?" Ghaleb asks, holding her arm as Darius and her mother come to the doorway.
"I… I saw something in the mirror…" she murmurs. "H-hallucination, I think…"
"Another one?" Darius asks.
"It was like a snake… around my arms and neck…" she explains, a shiver running down her spine.
"Oh boy, that sounds scary," Kenji says nonchalantly. The others turn back to what they were doing, not putting too much faith in her words.
Yasmina knew why… She had lied, and they didn't believe her… At least, didn't take her as seriously as they used to… As she gets dressed in her bathing suit, it felt like that boa constrictor was clamping down around her throat and wrists again…
Everyone but Mrs. Fadoula heads back down to the beach. She stayed behind to clean the house and pack up. Like the day before, Ghaleb carries Sammy down on his back before setting her down to help set up their stuff.
Sammy sits in the shade of the umbrella, watching her friends play in the sand. Jabari and Habeeba immediately get to digging in the sand. Something about digging a hole to the other side of the world. Brooklynn stands in the sand, letting the waves lap over her feet as she peacefully looks out over the water. Her pink hair blew gently in the wind, but it still looked like it would be fun to untangle. Ghaleb and Yasmina search for shark teeth in the assortment of shells laying on the beach. Ghaleb had an eye for them while Yasmina struggled to differentiate between teeth and shell fragments. Ben and Darius start splashing each other, one of them instigating it with some comment. Kenji was standing under the shade, texting intently on his phone.
This piques Sammy's interest. What could he be doing that had him so focused? Who was he texting? Was he looking at a picture? A funny text? … Something else?
Her curiosity getting the better of her—really, it was suspicion—she sits up and squints at his phone. She couldn't see what he was doing… "Whatcha doin'?" she asks.
Kenji quickly looks at her and shrugs. "Eh… it's not important."
Sammy nods, even more suspicious. As he turns off her phone, she could just see the name "Miriam" at the top of his contacts.
"Why is he texting my sister?" she wonders. "And why didn't he say so? Why did he brush it off?"
"Maybe she just told him a joke," reason says.
"But if it was a joke, wouldn't he be eager to tell me?" worry asks. "Why is he texting her? What's going on between them… Is he…?"
Sammy shakes her head. No, he wasn't interested in Miriam… That wouldn't be smart on his part. Leaving one Gutierrez girl for her sister? Not smart at all…
But was he getting distracted? Was he getting interested in other girls? Would he cheat on her? Was it considered cheating if they weren't officially dating? He did go through all the trouble of getting approved by her parents and family… Would he throw all that away?
Despite telling herself she shouldn't and didn't have to do this, Sammy looks up how to seduce guys. Most of the information she threw away; being herself? What a notion! Being herself was what lost her the other guys… right?
"Okay, okay… eye contact… shouldn't be too hard, right?" she thinks. "Maybe try to show off my… Wow, Sammy, is this a little too much?"
"But what if I lose him?" the persistent fear keeps her from throwing the idea away.
A bit nervous and weirded out by her own behavior, she turns off her phone and looks up at Kenji. He was still checking his phone… What did Miriam have to say…?
"Who's texting you?" she asks, blinking 'innocently' up at him. She pulls her shoulders and upper arms in, purposefully drawing attention to her chest.
"No one," he shrugs, looking down at her. Sammy smiles casually at him, refusing to break eye contact. It felt awkward for her, but she made him look away first. The satisfaction she got from seeing his eyes dart around nervously felt heavenly and devilish at the same time.
"Erm…" he mumbles, his eyes darting down to her chest. Sammy knew it was actually pretty flattering on her—one of the only items of clothing she could wear and confidently say, 'I look good.' She could see his cheeks turn pink as he quickly looks around, searching for a distraction.
"I FINALLY FOUND ONE!" Yasmina shouts in victory, holding up a small, black shark's tooth.
"Um, you know? I've never found a shark's tooth before. Can you believe that? I better-I, I'll go try now," he says, completely off his game as he walks off towards Yasmina and Ghaleb.
"Ha ha! Yep… I'm hot," Sammy thinks cheekily, smirking to herself. She knew she had his attention. Hopefully she could keep it…
"Nope, nope, nope, distractions!" Kenji thinks, panicking slightly. "We are not going to think about her that way, we are not going to think about her that way… Nope! We're at the beach, not ANYWHERE ELSE, BOI! She's a friend! A friend! Just a friend! None of that action goes on until later. Mind your own business, Kenji."
Against his will, the memory of her seemingly dead after drowning popped up… Specifically when they pulled down her shirt to use the defibulators… Kenji is beyond disgusted with himself and his hormonal teenage mind. "No! We are not finding that hot or even remotely turning on! Think with your head, Kenji, not your d***! … Come on, stop getting turned on by her! She's just a friend! Get that through your f***ing thick skull!"
He shakes his head, trying to clear his mind. "I really wanna kiss her…" temptation says.
"Nope! We're NOT going to picture me kissing her, because that will lead to other fantasies and Sammy does not deserve to be pictured like that!" he tells himself. "... Stop trying to picture her naked, brain!"
Desperate for a distraction, he writes in the sand next to Yasmina and Ghaleb. "Yup… This is what you are…" he mumbles, writing the word: 바보.
"What does that mean?" Yasmina asks, curious.
"Pabo, it means fool in Korean," he explains, devoting all his attention into writing in Hangul to distract himself.
Yasmina tilts her head—thinking he was calling her a fool—then writes شرموطة in Arabic.
"What does that mean?" Kenji asks.
"Not telling," Yasmina shrugs with a smirk, going about translating the campers' names into Arabic script.
Kenji rolls his eyes and does the same with Hangul.
Meanwhile, Darius had laid down in the sand, letting the waves wash over him. He looks up at Brooklynn standing a few feet away from him. The first thing he could notice was her long legs, still pretty thin and knocky because she hadn't recovered from the island and anorexia. She had many scars from sticks and dinosaur encounters on the island. She had short jean shorts with a high waist. Brooklynn wore a white top that tied around her neck. The sleeves hung low on her upper arms and the lacey sleeves flapped in the wind. Unlike her shirt the day before, this one wasn't cropped. She had an intricate crochet cover up which she had pulled closer around her body. Her pink hair was blowing softly in the wind, and she'd occasionally brush it out of her mouth and around the back of her head so that it wouldn't bother her.
The sun hit her just right so that she was illuminated by the morning glow and framed by the blue sky and fluffy clouds. She looked beautiful. She was beautiful.
Darius is mesmerized. Even with all her physical flaws and scars, she was beautiful. No, all those flaws and scars made her more beautiful. They gave her personality and uniqueness. Each scar came with a story, even though she probably couldn't tell him which scar came from what encounter. All of them told a story of survival and bravery.
Brooklynn turns her head slightly to her left to look out over the ocean, giving Darius a better view of her blind eye. She had taken off her eyepatch momentarily so that she didn't receive an odd tan line. She wore the eyepatch whenever she possibly could, feeling self conscious about the eye and scars…
Darius thought the scar was beautiful, strangely. Sure, it wasn't beautiful in the conventional, standard way… But it was beautiful in a unique way. He knew the story behind that injury, and it only made the scars more beautiful. It was a sign of her bravery and courage… And a sign of her love for her friends and devotion to them. It was a sign of sacrifice…
Darius wishes that she could see what he saw… Beauty. Bravery. Someone to be proud of. Brooklynn was so hard on herself. So derogatory, especially when it came to her physical appearance…
He wished she could understand just how pretty she was… If only she would stop comparing herself to others and just see herself… See herself for who she was. See herself from the way he saw her… Absolutely stunning. Beautiful. Gorgeous. A work of art. Deserving of a portrait that wouldn't even be able to do her justice. If only she knew what she was doing to him… The way her beauty captivated him and held him hostage. He couldn't look away.
She was angelic. Her sea green eye shone in the sunlight. Her pale skin was a bit pink, bringing out her freckles. Whether she was blushing or sunburned, he couldn't tell. Her lips… soft pink and relaxed. Her cover up was pulled tight around her body, showing the curve of her back, hips, and butt. The cover up covered her torso and thighs, but hints of skin showed through the holes.
How could she be so beautiful?
Looking over her, the thought of kissing her comes… followed by a tingly, burning feeling in his stomach…
Darius sits up quickly in panic, eyes as wide as possible when staring out at the sun. Kiss Brooklynn? Did he just have the urge to kiss Brooklynn?!
The boy notices his breathing was heavier… he was panting slightly… An excited and nervous feeling had settled in at the thought of kissing her… a burning feeling settling in looking up at her…
He knew what he was feeling, yet he still questions it out of shock. "Am I… I…" he refuses to use the word out of uncomfortability. "... aroused? No! No, no, no, no, no! That can't be what I'm feeling! Brooklynn's just a friend! I can't look at her like that! I can't kiss her… I can't… This feeling… No, you know what it can lead to… Ben and Yaz might have made that whole thing up, but it's a pretty convincing lie for a reason…"
Still… Now that he had thought about it… He couldn't get the idea out of his head… Sleeping with Brooklynn? No, he would never… at least, not until he was an adult. His feelings hadn't developed that much. Darius was still twelve years old and had no interest in getting that intimate…
But kissing… How would it feel? What would she taste like? Wouldn't it be awkward to be that close to her face? Would her breath smell… Would his breath smell? Would it be like giving someone a kiss on the cheek? Or was there more to it? Did he have to use his whole mouth? What if he accidentally bit her, or she bit him…
Oh gosh, he was actually thinking about doing it!
Despite his panic, he couldn't stop trying to imagine it… He couldn't stop thinking about Brooklynn… pulled close to him, with her arms around his neck… Like their usual hugs, but more romantic… Her lips on his… Her warmth spreading through him… or maybe that was just the feeling that came from the idea…
Darius gulps and tries to stop thinking about it before he starts to physically react. That would be the icing on the cake… laying on the beach next to her and her noticing what she was doing to him…
He couldn't… He couldn't actually be thinking about this! This wasn't happening! This was a dream… But then… why was he dreaming about this?
Darius pinches himself, confirming that this was real. He was really thinking about kissing Brooklynn. There really was a warm, tingly feeling in his stomach thinking about her. He really was admiring her and getting tongue tied while doing it…
The idea scares him. He still wasn't comfortable with the idea of sex. While he didn't have Yasmina's stance of fear on it, he still felt uncomfortable. It just seemed so odd… So disgusting…
But here he was, body reacting against his wishes…
Was it a mental or physical thing? It had to be a physical thing. He couldn't be thinking about Brooklynn that way, he couldn't! That would mean he had a crush on her and he couldn't! Not now. He could think of a million reasons why he shouldn't have a crush on her. Darius didn't need to deal with those feelings at the moment. He needed to keep his own emotions out of the way to help her out. Brooklynn didn't need to think that the reason he was helping her was because he thought she was pretty… Plus, he was twelve! He didn't need to fall in love just yet! Sure, he knew the two would get together in the future… probably… hopefully… But… B-but… he didn't need to be feeling these things right now!
No, he wasn't crushing on her. There had to be another reason he was feeling this way…
"It's because she's beautiful…" a darker voice says. "She's dressing to impress. If I'M feeling this way, how much worse will it be if a creep comes along? I'm just protective of her. I'm noticing how she's dressed and how it can affect her. There's nothing wrong with me."
"But she's more clothed than yesterday and I didn't react like this," reason interjects. "I like her, I just need to respect her. There's nothing wrong with her…"
Unfortunately, his fear of Brooklynn getting hurt gets in the way of reason, as does his panic. Instead of coming to the conclusion that perhaps romance wasn't bad and that he was just beginning to grow up, Darius concludes that it was her problem. He couldn't possibly be attracted to her like that… Obviously, it was something she was doing… Even though she was more modest today than the day before…
No, if another guy came by, she could be in danger! It was his job as leader to protect her!
Justifying his feelings and thoughts as provoked by her and justifying his conclusion with his need to protect her, Darius stands up. "You cold?" he asks, unsure where else to start.
"No, not really," she mumbles. "It's warm in the sun."
He looks over the way she had pulled her cover up close to her. "You look cold, but that shirt doesn't look like it's doing much good."
She looks back out at the ocean. "I'm not cold… Just don't want to be hot today."
It took him a few seconds to process what she meant. "You don't want people to look at you?"
"Maybe not…" she mutters vaguely.
"Do you want a towel then?" he suggests, trying to nicely ease the suggestion in. "The cover up is a bit see through."
A look of pain or shame seemed to pass over her face before she scowls at him angrily. "What? Is this too revealing?" she gestures to her shirt and shorts.
Darius bites his lip, trying to think about how to put it. "I mean… you were the one who said you wanted to cover up."
"I said I don't want to be hot, as in have people staring at me like I'm…" she trails off.
"Which… usually translates to covering up," Darius concludes.
"Cause I'm dressed inappropriately?" she tilts her head questioningly.
"Inappropriately isn't the word," he says, trying to find a different way to describe what he was thinking. "Um… sending across a message you don't want?"
She blinks at him in disbelief. "So, I'm asking for it?"
"No, I just think some… unrestrained creeps… might try to make a move," he rephrases.
"I've worn this before and you've never said anything about it," she points out.
"It's the beach…" he mutters, trying to think fast on his feet.
"So, there's more targets for these creeps," she shrugs irritatedly. "Yaz and Sammy are dressed more scantily than me, what's wrong with my outfit?!"
"I'm just trying to protect you," he says, almost snapping.
"Kenji and Ben never said anything," she retorts. "Milton never said anything."
"Your brother isn't exactly the best person to take this advice from," Darius quips bitterly.
Brooklynn shakes her head in disbelief, staring at the ocean while chuckling softly. "I…" she trails off, pulling back on her eye patch and walking away from him. She didn't stray far from the group, but it was clear she wanted to get away from him…
Darius sits down in the sand, watching her pace around in the surf and sand. He was worried for her… He hadn't exactly brought that up in the smoothest, gentlest way… A thought in the back of his head wonders if he should've brought it up at all.
Fear and pride squash that thought. No, this was for her own good… She couldn't trust other guys to control themselves… She could never know when someone bad might try to take her down… Darius was just looking out for her… Right?
"So, how was the beach?" Miriam asks.
"It was fun," Sammy nods, looking up at her older sister as Miriam cleans the dishes. "We… We played a lot on the beach and got ice cream after pizza. Played some board games, walked on the beach at night. Had a dance party underneath the house. It was a good time."
"What about Yaz's prank?" Miriam grins.
"You were in on it?!" Sammy slaps the arms of her wheelchair.
Her older sister chuckles evilly. "Yaz enlisted me, Holly, and Rio to help her. Rio and I spied on y'all to see how you guys were taking it and Holly talked about her time being pregnant and how she felt so that Yaz could make it feel authentic."
"The depths of the deception going on here," Sammy rolls her eyes. "Yee, no surprise here, but I fell for it completely. She's a convincing actress when she wants to be… Or when she has a motive for it. Ben surprised me, though. His acting used to be horrible."
"Haw, I thought Ben was going to be the dead giveaway," Miriam smirks. "He was so giggly when Yaz enlisted us."
"Yeah, Yaz carried most of it…" Sammy mutters. "He still managed to sound genuine, but what really sold it was her story. She delivered it well and somehow made it believable… Even after knowing how much she hates romance, I still fell for it."
"She didn't think she was going to be able to do it," Miriam comments. "When you guys weren't catching onto her hints, she thought it would be too unbelievable. She considered dropping the prank so many times, but went through because she had already caused so much confusion. She thought it'd be better to at least try the prank through and not make all her and Ben's confusing hints for nothing. She figured she could at least convince Habeeba and maybe you. Yaz thought the others would call her bluff or see through the entire thing."
"She did it on April fools…" Sammy sighs. "Should've seen it coming. Honestly if her acting and story wasn't so on point, I would've chalked it up as a prank. But she… she acted so well, I believed it. She really reacted the way she would… Wish I had that level of self awareness."
"I think that part was more Ben," Miriam explains. "I think he was the one who came up with her reaction, and then she played it out like a story. They kept arguing over what she would or wouldn't do. Ben ended up right most of the time. I think Yaz just didn't want to admit that she would do those things."
Sammy tilts her head as her sister laughs. "What things?"
"Be impatient and impulsive and do something she'd regret," she says, the clatter of the dish she dropped in the sink interrupting her. "Shutting down and denying everything. Running away from her problems."
"Yeah, she does that a lot with her problems…" Sammy mutters.
"Did you have fun at the beach?" Miriam asks.
"Yee, I got buried in the sand by Jabari and Habeeba a lot," the parapelgic nods. "Sunbathe…"
"Any flashbacks?" her sister asks in concern.
"No… just some… anxiety," Sammy winces. "I had to take a shower and that sucked… I got worried about Yaz when she went out in the water…"
"I was worried for ya," Miriam smiles sympathetically. "Prayin' all night."
"Thank ya…" Sammy murmurs, a sort of homesick feeling rising up. She missed being able to walk. She missed being able to just have fun with her friends. She missed the days when water didn't make her choke up in fear.
Silent tears of pain slip out as she stares at her hands, seated in her paralyzed lap. In her head, Sammy knew she was getting better… Her legs were slowly getting stronger and her nerves more receptive. She could feel more and twitch muscles. But for some reason, any hope of walking seemed so far away… Despite all the little progress she had made, she had almost no hope of getting better. The longer her paralysis went on, the less certainty she had that she would get better. Faith was… something she seemed to be lacking…
That was another thing that frustrated her: her lack of faith. She wanted to be healed. She knew she could… God had been faithful before. He had saved them from the island, plus countless other situations she could think of… But why wasn't he moving? She had faith… Didn't she? She had faith in the beginning, why wasn't anything working?
"He wants me to be healed…" she thinks to herself. "And he's provided healing through the Cross… Why am I still in a wheelchair? I know it's not up to me… But he's promised healing in his wings! Why? Why aren't I healed?!"
She wanted to do things! She wanted to move with her friends, run and play with them! She didn't want to be burdened by her paralysis. Besides… Sammy wanted to be a mother in the future. How would that work with her paralysis? She knew it was certainly possible to be a parent with paralysis but it was so different from the way she grew up… She was used to everyone helping out on the ranch, pitching in when they could. Sammy just couldn't see herself being in a wheelchair as a mother… Her life would be too busy for her to deal with it…
And what if she had another encounter with a dinosaur? She wouldn't be able to escape! Sure, the dinosaurs were on Isla Nublar and she had no plan on visiting that place anytime soon, but what if? What if Wu or another company started making dinosaurs again and they created havoc? What if the dinosaurs got loose? What if Sammy and her friends were forced to run away from dinosaurs again? She wouldn't be able to escape! She'd be burdened… She'd be a burden to her friends…
What if her paralysis affected her relationship with Kenji? Sure, he wasn't holding it against her, but what if it had turned him off? What if he started to see her as only a friend?
Speaking of…
"What were you and Kenji talking about earlier?" Sammy asks, looking up at Miriam.
"Huh?" Miriam yawns.
"You guys were texting earlier," Sammy says, hoping Miriam would be honest.
"Oh, yeah, I just sent him a meme or something," her older sister shrugs, drying off the dishes and heading elsewhere to finish her chores.
"Not suspicious at all…" Sammy mutters, jealousy and guilt rising up. On one hand, she felt bad for being so jealous. She never wanted to become one of those super jealous girlfriends who control their boyfriends. Kenji was allowed to have friends and text other people. On the other hand, they were acting weird. If it was really just a meme, why didn't Kenji show her? And why didn't Miriam show her? Usually if it was really funny, they'd be eager to show her and laugh…
"Maybe it's a meme I wouldn't find funny…" she wonders, then rats it out. That didn't stop them from showing her funny images. Kenji and Miriam had shown her memes that she wouldn't get before. That wasn't it… It couldn't be it…
"What are they talking about…?" she wonders, biting her lip. What could it possibly be that kept them from telling her?
"Oh, for goodness sake, they wouldn't be in love! You heard Kenji's confession, he's madly in love with you!" reason says. "Miriam and Kenji are allowed to talk without me getting in between them! It has nothing to do with me! Just trust that Kenji is loyal. He's very loyal to me."
"Yeah, for now…" doubt argues. "But he's starting to be friends with Miriam… Maybe friends are the way into his heart… Maybe he'll get tired of waiting for me and go after Miriam… She's open right now… And what's stopping him? I'm not open right now. I'm not pretty… I'm disabled…"
"You okay, Sam?" Darius asks, startling her.
She yelps. "Where did you come from?"
"I'm trying to find my brother," he says, leaning on the counter. "Seen him?"
"Nope," she shrugs.
The back door opened up and Brandon came in with his hands cupped. "This is Sharon," he says with a dopey grin, holding out a ladybug in his hands.
"Huh?" Darius tilts his head.
"I found a ladybug," he declares. "And her name is Sharon. Sammy, say hello to Sharon."
Sammy chuckles. "Hi, Sharon," she greets the ladybug.
"That's a ladybug," Darius says in a judgmental way.
"Yes, I just said that," Brandon nods.
"You found a ladybug and named it Sharon?" his younger brother lifts his eyebrow, unable to believe how toddler-ish his brother was acting.
"Judge me all you want, Sharon is now my best friend!" Brandon exclaims, heading deeper into the house to find Miriam and introduce her to his ladybug friend.
Darius gives Sammy an incredulous look. "He turned seventeen not too long ago!"
"It's cute," Sammy giggles.
"He found a ladybug and adopted it—not as his pet—but as his friend," Darius reminds her. "He's acting immature."
"You do similar stuff and find it funny when we do similar stuff," Sammy points out.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Darius excuses, making Sammy laugh. "Back to my original question: are you okay? You look like you've been crying."
"Maybe…" she mutters, knowing she couldn't really lie about it.
"Want to talk about it?" he asks.
"Not really…" she murmurs. "Just… physical… issues…" She'd rather not talk about her jealousy.
"Paralysis?" Darius guesses.
"Yeah… just feeling like it's never going to get better," Sammy sighs.
Darius smiles. "It'll get better. Just have faith, Sam."
There it was, the phrase she kept hearing. Sammy was so frustrated with "Just have faith" like it was such an easy thing. The phrase suggested it was so easy and that she had overlooked the solution to her problem! Her parents and family had said it, her friends had said it, her fellow church members had said it. But was it really that simple? And if it was, how did she get to that simplicity?!
That phrase was starting to make her angry. "I have had faith!" she thinks. "Barely anything has happened! Is everything I think wrong? Am I going about this the wrong way? If having faith is so simple, why am I still stuck in my wheelchair?! And if 'just have faith' works, why am I still here?! I've had faith… and now I could lose Kenji. What happened to 'just have faith' then?! If it's as simple as they make it, why is my life so complicated?!"
But she doesn't say any of that. She was too angry and confused to let out all her thoughts. Instead, she smiles sweetly at Darius and pretends like he encouraged her. She really didn't want to get into a debate with him… She seemed to be debating and arguing with everyone these days… She'd rather shut down and pull away and figure it out…
"SHARON FLIES!" Brandon exclaims from the other room.
Darius and Sammy laugh. "Still obsessing over the ladybug," the boy rolls his eyes at his older brother's antics.
"FLY, SHARON, FLY!" Brandon shouts as there's scuffling in the other room.
"DIE, SHARON, DIE!" Milton exclaims as Miriam cackles.
"I guess I should make sure my brother's 'new best friend' escapes Milton's foot of terror," Darius shakes his head, seeing that Sammy didn't want to talk. He leaves the kitchen and leaves Sammy in what she presumes to be peace.
"Is it something wrong with me?" she wonders sadly. "I can't hear anything… I can't hear his voice… Oh, God, what is going on with me?! I'm paralyzed and afraid I'll never get healed! I'm sure that Kenji and I are meant to be together, but he's not Christian and I'm worried he's fallin' for other girls! I'm askin' the Lord what to do but all I get is silence! Am I supposed to move? Am I supposed to wait? What should I do?!"
There was nothing but her own thoughts and worries in her head.
In reality, Darius had left Sammy because he saw Yasmina coming up the back porch and assumed the athlete could have a go trying to get the stubborn Texan to open up. Sammy jumps as the back door opens and Yasmina hobbles in. "What's all the screaming about?" the athlete asks.
"Ladybug," Sammy says vaguely.
"... That could mean many things," Yasmina shakes her head, deciding not to ask any further. "Your hair looks sandy."
"You can thank Beebee and Jaba for that," the cowgirl smiles wryly. "The sand just refuses to wash out in one try…"
"Was the beach fun?" Yasmina asks.
"Yeah!" Sammy says quickly. "I-It was fun! … It was a fun birthday party."
Yasmina plops down on the tile floor and blinks up at Sammy. "Yeah?" she quirks an eyebrow. "It really was fun?"
Sammy nods enthusiastically with a smile, pretending like she wasn't disappointed about being paralyzed.
Yasmina didn't look convinced. She looked… guilty? "Did… Did the prank really hurt?"
Sammy blinks in confusion. "I mean… it wasn't fun, but I'm not mad at you."
The athlete's shoulders sag in despair. "I'm sorry…"
"Does it really bother you what you did?" the parapelgic asks.
"Yeah," she nods. "I… I lied and led you guys on… But I would hate it if someone else toyed with my feelings like that… I'm sorry."
"Eh, it's not the nicest prank, but I guess the only thing damaged here was our trust," Sammy says before immediately regretting it. "Not that that's completely damaged! We just know you're a good actress now. We still believe you. Kenji's just messin' with ya."
Yasmina's eyes glisten. "... It's okay if it hurt… You can just say it."
"I'm more pissed at myself for not seeing it coming and wholeheartedly believin' it," Sammy explains. "I'm gullible. I should've guessed it was fake since we were all pullin' pranks. You were very believable, but still. It's more my pride is damaged than anything."
"You're not mad?" Yasmina lifts an eyebrow. "Truly? It doesn't hurt?"
"It's in the past," Sammy shrugs. "I forget wrongdoings easily, unless they're really bad. I've already put it behind me. Besides, it didn't really hurt. It's not the worst prank you could've pulled."
"Do you think the others hate me?" the athlete asks, clearly worried.
"Naw, none of us hate you for it," the cowgirl tschs. "I can't speak for the others. Maybe they're still pissed, maybe they're irritated, but none of them hate ya."
Yasmina plays with her shoelaces. "... I'm worried I'll lose Brooklynn's friendship because of this…"
"Why? She wouldn't just break off your friendship because of this," Sammy shrugs.
"What if I've really hurt her?" Yasmina asks, worriedly. "She's really quiet and she seemed really hurt after the prank. What if I've really hurt her? Really hurt her?"
"I doubt it," Sammy smiles. "Yeah, I think she might be angry, but I can't see her being as hurt as you're worried about. Certainly not hurt enough to break off your friendship. You guys are like sisters. She looks up to you, Yaz. You're her role model and protector. All that trust doesn't go away that easily. Do you really think that your friendship with Brook has stood the test of Isla Nublar, only to be destroyed by a stupid prank?"
The athlete's face said yes. "She's just… I'm just worried that I've betrayed her. That I broke her trust by doing that, and that this will push her deeper into her shell. What if this prank has made her backslide in her progress? I would never forgive myself…"
"I don't see this affecting her that much," Sammy states again. "It's not like you were being really malicious. Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if she were to pull the same type of prank for a Youtube video. I think Brooklynn will come around. She might be mad right now, but I'm sure you guys will come back together."
Yasmina still wasn't convinced. She wraps her hands around the back of her neck, rubbing it like she was in pain. "I keep feeling like I'm in chains…"
"Huh?" the parapelgic tilts her head.
"When I looked in the mirror this morning, there was this black snake wrapped around my neck and my wrists," Yasmina explains. "Since then, whenever I think about the prank, I feel like it's tightening around my neck and hands. And there's this heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. I keep checking the mirror but I never see anything. I don't know what's going on…"
Sammy frowns. "Hmm… That's really scary…"
"Think you know what's going on?" Yasmina asks, looking worried. "Hallucination? Something else?"
"I don't know…" Sammy mumbles. "I don't know…"
"But when does Hitler come in?" Carrots—the boy who had picked on Brooklynn—asks the teacher.
"That's in World War II," the history teacher explains.
Carrots blinks dumbly. "... There's two of them?"
The teacher sighs. "Yes, that's why we have WWI and WWII."
"Oh… I just thought they wrote it that way cause it looks nice," he shrugs.
Sammy rests her head on her desk, trying not to laugh at his stupidity. Others were also trying not to laugh.
Except for Brooklynn. The pinkette was completely out of it, staring at her desk. She had been on autopilot all day. Milton had been on Brooklynn duty the night before, so she didn't have to talk much to her guardian. She was pretty grateful that her on-duty sentinel wouldn't dive in so deep. Milton wasn't usually as observant as her friends, and usually went back to texting his friends if she didn't seem to be in immediate distress. He let her get away with "recharging her social battery"—the excuse she used when she didn't want to interact. It wasn't entirely a lie—she did get tired of constantly interacting with people and having no break because she was suicidal and not to be trusted alone—but her true motive was hidden. She was tormented internally and didn't want anyone to know.
Oh, she had the usual problems, such as "I should kill myself", "I'm a horrible person", and "My friends deserve better". But her main, recent source of pain was Yasmina and Ben—mostly Yasmina. The prank hurt. Really hurt. Brooklynn felt betrayed by her friend, even if only slightly. That prank went really far… It messed with her head and feelings, and Brooklynn was having a hard time letting it go like the others did.
She had been anxious and nauseous the entire day, up until Yasmina revealed the prank. At first, Brooklynn hadn't believed it. And then when Yasmina told her story and became emotional… When she cried, then denied everything… it felt so real. It felt wrong to even think it was a prank! Brooklynn felt bad for initially thinking Yasmina was lying. Her friend seemed so distressed and so in character that Brooklynn felt guilty about not immediately believing her. Yasmina was her friend! She couldn't scoff at the idea, she had to stick with her!
After that, Brooklynn was so worried. Yasmina was refusing to admit what had happened and seemed so distraught… The pinkette was relieved when Ben stood up and stood with her. Like on the island, the group was a team. The team sticks together against all obstacles, whether the said obstacles were dinosaurs or a teenage pregnancy. Yasmina was not going to be alone.
But then… Then it was a prank. Brooklynn was right to be skeptical… But Yasmina had let her believe she was a scornful friend and let her feel guilty for initially being cynical. She had let Brooklynn be worried and anxious for her. It felt so betraying.
Brooklynn would never admit it now, but a small part of what Yasmina said hit close to home… Hearing Yasmina cry out her story hit hard. There were bits and pieces of the story that had felt relatable, emotions and feelings and torment that were all too familiar. Brooklynn wanted to break down and cry, partly from relief, partly from pain. For the first time, she felt like maybe… just maybe… she could open up about what happened in the past… Maybe Yasmina would understand… Maybe Brooklynn and her could share common ground… Maybe the two could help each other through the consequences of their actions…
But she couldn't. Yasmina needed her help. The athlete was broken and distraught and denying her problems. Brooklynn couldn't break down… Yasmina had been strong for her for so long… It was time for Brooklynn to return the favor…
So she stood strong. She didn't tell Yasmina about her secret or what was happening inside her head. She stood strong and kept her emotions in check because her friend needed her to. She told herself she could tell Yasmina later. At that moment, Brooklynn needed to be strong.
And then it was a prank…
That was why it hurt so much… Brooklynn had kept it together, hid her feelings, swallowed her problems and focused on Yasmina. She had kept it together for her. She had worried for her. She had sacrificed her need to relate to someone… And all for a stupid prank!
Brooklynn didn't want to be angry at Yasmina… She understood why the athlete had pulled the prank. The pinkette would feel the same way about the March 31st prank if her parents and brother had pulled it. She totally understood Yasmina's desire to get revenge! If Yasmina had let her in on the prank, Brooklynn would've wholeheartedly helped her! The reason for the prank wasn't the problem.
She also understood the emotional reasons behind it… This wasn't the first time Yasmina had been a cynical jerk. Back on the island, she had a lot of issues with the others and didn't hide it. Brooklynn understood if this was a test for her loved ones… She understood why Yasmina would wonder if the people she cared about would abandon her when she was most vulnerable…
Her parents, specifically. But why the others? Hadn't Brooklynn and the others already proven that they would stick with her no matter what? After all they went through, did Yasmina still not trust them?
No, maybe she did trust them, but had paranoia… Brooklynn could understand that…
"She's just the same as me," guilt whispers. "No matter what happens, there's always going to be that fear that you'll lose your friends… How can I blame her for that? I would feel the same way!"
"She lied to me!" betrayal wails. "I didn't start the war, I was in the crossfire! I could've been her ally! But no, she had to lie to me the most! She didn't even let her siblings and parents worry! She revealed it to them too quickly! Yaz left me to deal with the worry and anxiety and torment the longest! Me and Sammy! Why?! We didn't do anything to her! Does she not trust me? Why would she hurt me like this?!"
"She feels bad about it… She seemed guilty when she talked on the deck…" pain murmurs. "I think she's worried that this will push us apart… She knows this hurts… She knows what she did… She's worried that she betrayed me and pushed me away… She's worried about losing me…"
"What if I let her think that?" darkness enters her mind. "We already have a little separation going on… What if I just let it push us farther and farther apart? Then maybe it wouldn't hurt her as bad when I die…"
"It would hurt her more," reason states. "She'd blame herself for my death. Yaz would take the blame and believe that she hurt me so bad, I ended my life. I'd hurt her in more ways than I can imagine, and she'd never recover from it."
Brooklynn rubs her right eye, feeling emotionally drained. There was another problem… pulling away enough to soften the blow of her death. Yasmina and the others would be devastated if she died right then… But the more she pulled away, the stronger their grip on her became. Yasmina was afraid of losing her friends, and Darius was afraid of failing to protect them… How would she soften the blow for those two?
She could try to let the prank get between her and Yasmina, as well as Ben, but would that hurt more? She didn't want them to feel like it was their fault she died… She had to pull away and sever ties in a way that would ease their burden… Not add to it…
Unfortunately, she was running out of time. It had been over a month since Leah was grounded… When Brooklynn checked her social media accounts, there had been activity… Leah was back…
Brooklynn couldn't go back to her. But she knew what Leah would do and she knew what Leah knew… Her dreaded secret.
"I don't have much time," Brooklynn worries. "I can't drop off of Youtube, my friends and followers would get worried… But I can't stay on it for much longer because Leah will attack…"
It was inevitable for Leah to reveal her dark past. Brooklynn didn't want to be around when she did. The humiliation, shame, guilt, and lashback would be too much for her to handle. It was almost too much to bear, the mere idea of it getting out.
What made it worse was the idea of her friends finding out… She knew they wouldn't abandon her… and that was the problem. Brooklynn felt like a wolf in sheep's clothing; an imposter. A fraud. A quack. She felt like as long as she held that dark secret, she wouldn't belong with her friends. It was a big abyss separating her from her friends… and everything she loved…
She couldn't go back and do it again. She would have to live with the guilt forever… And she didn't want to do that… She couldn't take it back. It was like a crimson stain on a white dress… forever tainting her life… She couldn't let her friends in on it… They shouldn't have to know about it…
Which was why she had to die before she gave Leah any more reason to release it.
Plus… the secret had some unresolved issues… that could possibly put her friends in danger just from mere association.
"No one should be associated with me," guilt whispers.
And so that brought Brooklynn back to her previous dilemma: how to separate from her friends in a way that wouldn't hurt. She was leaving so that they wouldn't be in more danger and pain. Her death had to be liberating for them, not cause more grief!
She was beginning to accept that she was hurting them either way… She just had to find the least painful option.
"Would causing a divide between me and Yaz be the least painful way?" she wonders. "She'd surely blame herself… Could I find a way to make myself look like the villain? Maybe make her angry and hurt? In the long run, would this help her?"
Two different sides appeared and couldn't come to an agreement. One side said she would do too much damage and she shouldn't even attempt this at all, while the other said it was her only option… "God, help me," she murmurs to herself, feeling overwhelmed by her struggles.
Too exhausted and confused, Brooklynn pushes off her Yasmina task and focuses on something easier: finding Darius a replacement. She had a few options in mind…
First up: Natania Derora Haven. She was a year younger than Brooklynn and in at least one of Darius's classes. Brunette with lavender and pale pink tips. Hazel brown eyes and an olive complexion. Sammy said she was very sweet, introverted but friendly. A little obsessed with animals. A philosophical genius and loved hiking around mountains. Brooklynn thought that Natania Derora—a beautiful name, but a bit of a mouthful—sounded like a good fit for Darius. She seemed attractive enough and looked somewhat similar to Brooklynn. She could probably relate to him on a shared love for dinosaurs/animals, and could maybe keep up with his scientific rants. And she loved the outdoors. Plus, Brooklynn doubted that she would have the flaws the pinkette did… meaning that maybe, Darius could have someone similar to Brooklynn, but without the flaws.
And… the two had something in common… Sammy told Brooklynn that a few years ago, back in middle school, Natania Derora lost her mother through cancer. A week later, her best friend had died in a car crash. Natania Derora had come to Sammy for prayer and a shoulder to cry on. It had been hard on her, but according to Sammy, she seemed to be doing better.
Natania Derora and Darius could relate to each other through losing a parent… And if Brooklynn succeeded with her plans, Natania Derora could be there for Darius. She knew the pain of losing a best friend… She could help comfort Darius during that rough time period after Brooklynn's death… Maybe bringing them closer together…
Brooklynn wanted to meet her first, though. And she had to have a reason to introduce Natania Derora to Darius… "Hopefully she'll let us call her Natania, this name is pretty long," Brooklynn thinks, trying to humor herself to keep the painful tears from slipping out.
After classes ended, Brooklynn quickly slips into the library. She was pretty sure this was where she'd find her target. After scanning the tables and seeing Kenji with his math tutor—who definitely weren't getting much progress made with the way they were wheezing—she spots the introvert in a corner. Natania Derora had sat herself in a chair all the way in the back and was reading, perhaps waiting for her ride to pick her up.
Skirting around tables, the pinkette makes her way over to her target. "Hi," Brooklynn says, unsure how exactly to start up a conversation. She wasn't a particularly shy person and had a lot of practice talking to people of all ages, but this specific person was giving her trouble. She couldn't just say: "Hey, wanna be friends with my best friend so that he doesn't get too upset when I commit suicide, and possibly become his wife in the future?"
Natania Derora looks up from her library book. "Oh, hi," she says, looking up at Brooklynn. She was wondering why the pinkette had interrupted her reading time.
Thinking fast, Brooklynn says, "I've seen you around the school and I just wanted to say, I like your hair. It's really pretty."
The girl smiles, flattered. "Thanks! I'd dye all of it, but my Mom doesn't want me to put chemicals on my head. So I can only do the ends."
"I have a friend like that," Brooklynn chuckles, assuming Yasmina's mother would say the same thing.
"I like yours," Natania Derora says. "The pink is very bright, and I like that it fades to black."
Now it was Brooklynn's turn to be flattered. "Thank you," she smiles shyly, subconsciously twirling a lock.
"You're the Youtuber, right?" she squints. "... I can't remember your name but I've seen you before."
"Brooklynnunboxestheworld?" the pinkette chuckles.
"Yeah!" Natania Derora grins. "Is that your full name?"
"Tsch, no, I'm Brooklynn," she laughs, sitting down in a chair in front of her.
"I'm Natania Derora," the girl introduces herself. Brooklynn wonders if she made a face because the girl rolls her eyes good naturedly. "You can call me Natania if it's too long. A lot of people think it's a mouthful."
Brooklynn chuckles sheepishly. "Yeah, it's got… seven syllables there. Your parents really wanted you to stand out."
"They gave me names with meaning," Natania says softly. "I like my name, even if it is long. Natania and Derora both mean something special. It was my mother's idea. I like to keep it… But you can just call me Natania if it's too long."
"You would get along with one of my friends," Brooklynn shakes her head, thinking about Ben with his love of meanings and languages.
"Ben?" Natania asks. "Him and Darius are in my class. We already discussed our names and the weight behind them."
Brooklynn smiles; so she had already been introduced to at least three of the campers. "Yeah…" She wanted to invite Natania Derora to something, but there wasn't much going on… "What are you reading?" she changes subjects.
"Warrior Cats," she shows the pinkette the book. "I got into the series years ago. Me and my friends used to run around and pretend to be cats from the clans."
Brooklynn laughs at the image.
Seeing that Brooklynn was interested in listening, Natania Derora goes on to explain the premises of the books and how her and her friends would play make believe. They had since they were ten years old, and still found it fun to do so, even at thirteen years of age.
As the girl talks, a feeling of jealousy rises up in Brooklynn. Natania Derora was so pure and innocent, running around and pretending to be a cat with her friends. Unburdened by depression or suicidal thoughts. Free from the chains of public opinion with no need to impress faceless people on the Internet. Brooklynn longed for the life this girl had lived: pure, simple, and free. Sure, she had lost her mother and best friend… But her life sounded so much better than Brooklynn's.
Besides… Brooklynn was going to lose her best friend and family, anyway. She was going to lose everyone once she died… But it was a price she was willing to pay. They deserved better, and she was so tired… Tired of dealing with her thoughts and the opinions of the public. Tired of her PTSD. Tired of her struggles. Tired of her secrets… And tired of the guilt telling her how her friends didn't deserve her.
Natania Derora would fit right in with their friend group… She might not have gone through the island like they did, but she gave off the right energy to fit in. Brooklynn could see Darius falling in love with her… They would make a… cute… couple…
The thought of Darius with her hurt… The thought of Darius with anyone but Brooklynn hurt… Just the thought of setting Darius up with Natania Derora was enough to cause feelings of jealousy and hate and pain… If Natania Derora got with him… Brooklynn wouldn't be with him… If she died, she wouldn't be with him…
That homesick feeling rises up again, as well as panic. She didn't want to die, she wanted to spend her life with Darius and her friends!
"Are you okay?" Natania Derora asks, blinking worriedly at Brooklynn.
The pinkette realizes she had been holding her breath and looking down. She lets it out shakily and tries to play it off. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine…" Her chest constricts and she finds it very hard to suppress her tears.
The girl looked a bit unsure of what to do. "Do you need a hug?"
Brooklynn did not want to hug her. Hugging would only make her break down even more. But at the same time, she wanted comfort…
She made no move to stop Natania Derora as she got up and hugged Brooklynn from the side, who was still sitting in her seat. The girls arms wound around her shoulders and held her tightly. Brooklynn loosely held Natania's arm, choking back her tears.
"You can say it," she whispers to the pinkette. "You can tell me whatever's going on… Or not… I can just give you a hug if you want."
Brooklynn's eyes and nose were running and she was struggling not to burst into sobs. She couldn't… She couldn't break down… She couldn't tell Natania Derora… Natania Derora… She barely knew the girl. She couldn't trust her with her secrets! … But somehow, Brooklynn wanted to… Maybe it was because… she didn't know her… She could open up about everything and if Natania decided to have nothing to do with her, the loss would be minimal. And she seemed receptive… She seemed ready to listen… Ready to lend a listening ear… Maybe it was because she had once been in Brooklynn's situation… Broken, hurt, tormented, and having no one close to go to… She had Sammy then… And she was ready to pay it forward…
The thought almost made Brooklynn open up… Even if she hadn't dealt with the same thing, Natania Derora probably understood her on some level… She probably understood the need to open up to someone, but not knowing how—or wanting to—go about it. Maybe she understood wanting to leave this world… Maybe she understood intense feelings of pain that made you want to give up on life… Maybe… Maybe she could let Brooklynn feel the relief that came from finally letting go of the burden…
But as usual, guilt clawed at her. "Of course, I'll try to open up to a complete stranger… She doesn't need to be burdened by my problems! What did she do to deserve this?! I can't trust her with this! What am I thinking?! She's not a lifeline! She's a random stranger! If I thought my friends don't need to hear this, why would she?!"
Pulling herself together momentarily, Brooklynn wipes her nose on the sleeve of her shoulder. "I'm fine…" she says, her voice cracking. "Really…"
"You can open up," Natania Derora reminds her as Brooklynn pulls away from her embrace. "Really. I won't judge."
"I…" Brooklynn wasn't sure what to say, but she felt the need to explain herself. "I-it's not you, I… Y-you wouldn't understand… No one would."
"Not even your friends?" she asks.
Brooklynn shakes her head as she gathers up her backpack. "Not even Yaz… not like I thought she would."
Before she had to explain anymore, Brooklynn slips out of the library, barely holding back her tears. She had to get home… She had to get away… She had to escape!
Brooklynn is jolted back to reality when someone grabs her arms. "Brook, what's wrong?" Darius asks in concern, noticing that she was crying. "Did somebody do something to you?"
Brooklynn tears her arms from his grasp and races down the hall, desperate to escape. "I did this to myself…" she thinks tearfully, running towards the woods and leaning against a tree. It wasn't even within the woods and people could see her, but she was far enough away to give herself privacy. Her friends and family could also see her should they worry that she tried to escape. She slides down to the ground and buries her head in her hands, trying to simultaneously work through her emotions and shove them down and recompose herself.
Back in the school, Darius is about to run after Brooklynn when Yasmina grabs his arm, panting. "No one hurt her… at least, physically…" she tells him, having seen and heard the last bit of Brooklynn's conversation.
"What happened?" Kenji asks, appearing in the doorway. He had stopped mid-tutoring when he saw Brooklynn run out in tears.
"I don't know…" Yasmina murmurs, worried.
"Something happened yesterday," Darius says, pacing back and forth in his room. "Something at school. Something triggered Brooklynn and she had a breakdown. But she won't tell us what it was or what's going on…"
"Per usual," Kenji sighs, laying back on Darius's bed.
"You were in the library, right?" Ben asks the older boy, sitting on the floor and leaning against the end of the bed.
"Yeah, but I was getting tutored," Kenji explains. "I didn't hear or see anything until she ran out crying."
"Yasmina overheard the last bit of the conversation Brooklynn was having, but she said there was nothing to indicate what happened," Darius mumbles. "Brook was talking with that girl, um… You know, the one with the special name, Ben."
"Natania Derora?" Ben lifts an eyebrow.
"Yeah, her," Darius nods. "Yaz said that she was offering to let Brooklynn rant and open up, but Brooklynn refused and ran off. Do you think she did something?"
"Probably not," Kenji shrugs. "She sounds pretty nice. Might have just brought up a subject that was particularly triggering for B, and then tried to help her when she got upset."
"Yes, but what was the subject?" Darius asks, still pacing. "What triggered her? What's going on? She hasn't had a breakdown like that in a while… What is going on inside her head?"
Darius continues to rant and worry about Brooklynn. "If she won't open up to us, how can we help her? I want to be there for her, I want to help her through this! But she's closing off! How can you help someone when you don't know the problem?"
"Just be there as best you can…" Ben murmurs, biting his lip.
"It feels like she's closing off more," Darius rambles on. "It's… It's like she's distancing herself from us. I-I don't know. She just seems emotionally distant recently. Like she's shutting off and pulling away. I feel like it's gotten worse in the past few days."
Ben winces. "I wonder if the prank is the reason for that…"
"Huh?" Darius looks at him.
"I mean, what if the prank Yaz and I pulled made her pull back and become distrusting?" Ben asks.
"Maybe…" Darius mumbles.
A pit forms in the bottom of Ben's stomach.
"Don't blame yourself or Yaz," Darius says quickly. "You guys couldn't have known that it made her do this. If this is what caused her recent behavior."
"If my part in the prank has made her become closed off, then I feel bad," Ben says softly. "Especially since… never mind. I just can't… I've tried to be there for her and lend an ear and she's still pulling away…"
"She's pulling away from everyone!" Darius groans. "How do we fix this? We can't let her get worse! We can't… Kenji? Are you listening?"
The wild Kenji looks up, blinking. "Yeah, just a bit distracted…" His cheeks became a slightly darker shade than the rest of his skin.
"By what?" Darius asks, a little miffed that his friend wasn't paying attention, but also curious why he was looking flushed.
"It's nothing," Kenji says quickly. "I've just been talking to Miriam about what to get Sammy for her birthday. Her birthday's coming up soon and I wanted to get her something special to show her how much she means to me and how much I love her…"
A particular thought pops in, an idea that made his face heat up more and he shakes his head, trying to distract himself. "But yeah, back to Brooklynn?"
Ben and Darius tilt their heads curiously at him, but leave him be and move back to their previous conversation.
"Why does it feel like everything is falling apart…?" Sammy wonders sullenly as she fidgets with the hay. She was sitting by the door of the barn, looking up at the sky. Outside, dark clouds were rolling in and it looked like it would storm. Just like her thoughts…
Sammy had never felt so tormented before in her life. She had had issues before: she had had heartbreak and insecurities and anxieties. But they were never this bad. Never had she had so little peace in her life. Even on the island, her thoughts weren't so tormenting. It was after the rescue that things went downhill…
Now she felt like her troubles were piling up. Her PTSD and anxiety triggers weren't getting better. For the most part, they were water related. She still absolutely hated baths and could barely get through a weekly bath without having an anxiety attack. Washing her face was very difficult, still. She knew she needed to fix it; face her triggers and cope with them better. But she couldn't figure out how, and she didn't exactly want to ask for help… Sammy would most likely have to have exposure therapy and that scared her.
Then, she had her paralysis. Sammy knew in her head that she could heal from it. Already, she had had progress. She could feel many more sensations and twitch a few muscles. Yet, she still felt as if she would never get better. Her hope was almost gone, which she couldn't understand why. The therapy was working… slowly…
There was another problem: her lack of faith. She had had faith that things would get better in darker circumstances! She had waited longer and seen less progress before and still believed! Why was this in particular holding her back? Why couldn't she believe? What was going on?
To add to it, she had her issues with Kenji… Which just added an entire new level of stress. She was so sure that he was the one for her… She was sure it was a divine knowing… So why were things going astray? First of all, if she shouldn't marry outside of her faith, why did she seem to receive divine confirmation? And if she didn't receive confirmation, why had she been so sure? How did Darius know?
She was so sure of her fate with him, yet so unsure at the same time. On one hand, all their recent conflicts made her question if she was pursuing the right guy… On the other hand, she couldn't explain Darius's dream…
And if Kenji was destined to be hers, should she fight for him? Should she continue to try to impress him? If they were meant to be together, did she have to make sure he stayed focused on her? Would he be uninterested if she stopped actively trying to pursue him?
Sammy groans letting her head flop back. There was nothing but worry and uncertainty in her head. No matter how much she prayed and how much she tried to listen, there was no voice… Nothing. She couldn't hear God's voice, which only added to her worry.
"Storm's brewing," Ben says, approaching the barn.
"Yee, it's rollin' in fast," Sammy sighs.
"Haw," Ben says, making her chuckle.
Ben lays down on his stomach next to Sammy, leaning on his elbows to look up at the sky. Sammy shifts and lays down on her stomach as well. The two watch the clouds become darker and darker.
After a little bit, Sammy sighs. "Are you here to lecture me about faith and healing or whatever?"
"Why would I lecture you?" Ben asks.
"I don't know… It just feels like everyone has something to say but none of it helps," she mumbles.
"And then it feels like condemnation because they make it sound so easy and you can't seem to get it right," he adds. "No, I was just wondering where you were."
Sammy smiles softly and returns to watching the sky.
After a while, the sky begins to pour. At first, the rain gently tapped the ground. It quickly turned into a downpour with thunder and lightning in the distance. The wind blew mist into the barn door, wetting the campers faces.
Ben looks up at the sky. "Storms are like trials and tribulations."
Sammy turns to him, knowing vaguely where this was headed, but still curious.
"Rain is helpful," he continues. "It strengthens and feeds plants and animals. But a lot of it being poured down at once can be damaging. And the thunder adds to the damage."
"So how does that relate to trials?" she asks.
"Struggles can strengthen us and help us grow as people," Ben explains. "A lot of struggles all at once can be overwhelming. Add thunder and you feel in over your head."
Sammy nods, agreeing with his analogy. "Trials are easier to deal with when it's quieter and you can hear the voice of reason…"
"Hence, the thunder," he chews on his lip. "Metaphorical thunderstorms can be quite overwhelming, especially when it seems like they'll never pass. Believe me, I know. But the sun comes out eventually."
"This talk reminds me of when Jesus was in the boat and calmed the storm," Sammy says. "All the disciples runnin' around panicked while he's sleepin'." She chuckles.
"And then they finally went to him and he calmed the storm," he grins. "I think that's a pretty good parable. We should bring our thunderstorms to Jesus. We should bring our rain, too. Nothing's too little to bring to him."
"How do you do that?" Sammy asks exasperatedly. "How do you give him the storms? Sometimes it feels like he's sleeping through it, just like he did in the boat…"
"Maybe you should wake him up," Ben says jokingly, before getting serious. "I get it. It's hard to do so. I'm struggling with thunderstorms, too…"
"What do you do with your storms?" Sammy asks.
"Give it to him," Ben says. "Er, try. It can be hard sometimes. The thing that's comforting about that story to me is that Jesus slept. He knew the storm was coming. If it was a big deal, do you think he would sleep?"
Sammy squishes her cheeks, making a funny face as she thinks over his point.
"I like how after he calms the storm, he says, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?'" Ben continues. "He was in the boat with the disciples. If they had faith in him, why should they be afraid? He clearly wasn't bothered by the storm. If Jesus wasn't bothered, why should the disciples be bothered?"
"I guess I side with the disciples a bit," she murmurs. "Sometimes it feels like you're drowning and Jesus is sleeping…"
"Yeah, it can feel that way," he nods. "But maybe when you're drowning, you should wake him up. He promises that he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand it. He'll provide an escape and a way out. Maybe we just need to cry out to him. That's what I'm trying to do. Cry out and listen to his voice."
"I can't hear his voice…" she mutters.
"You could on the island," he reminds her. "Your faith was strong and you believed we would escape."
Sammy sighs exasperatedly. "I have faith that I can be healed and that God will help me through my storms, but… I don't know… I'm wavering. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have faith…"
"Think the disciples never felt that way?" Ben asks. "How many miracles had they seen and they still doubted Jesus sometimes. You have faith, Sammy. I don't think you've lost your faith. Your doubt is just stronger right now."
"I think it's stronger because I can't hear God's voice…" she mumbles.
"Probably one reason," he agrees. "I think you can hear his voice. You're just not fully listening."
Sammy tilts her head at him.
"You know what his voice sounds like," he explains. "You've heard him before. Maybe you're not listening to his voice right now. Or maybe you have too many other voices in your head drowning him out."
"I'm listening," she argues. "I just can't hear it…"
"Or maybe you don't want to hear it," Ben suggests.
Sammy sits up straighter, a bit miffed at his suggestion. "Why wouldn't I want to hear his voice? That's what I'm trying to do! Of course I want to hear his voice!"
"You want to hear his voice, sure, but maybe you don't want to hear his words," Ben explains. "Maybe you're afraid of what he'll say."
"I'm not afraid of what he'll say," she states.
"What if he told you to break up with Kenji?" Ben asks.
Sammy looks down at the hay. "... We're not technically together…"
"My point is, what if he tells you to do something you don't want to do?" he asks. "I think sometimes, deep down, we know what we're supposed to do and just don't want to do it. Or maybe we're afraid that what God tells us to do will be hard and we won't want to do it. So while we cry out to God and ask him for guidance, we ignore his advice. You want him to tell you what to do, but you want it to be what you want to do."
Sammy stares at him, too shocked to speak.
"I'm not trying to condemn you," Ben sighs. "There's some things that I don't want to do either…"
"Maybe you thought you heard God but didn't?" Sammy suggests.
"That's what I've wondered, too," he nods. "Sometimes I question if it's God's voice I'm hearing… Surely, God couldn't want this, right? This is the devil! But no, I know God's voice. I know what he said to do. I just don't want to do it… It doesn't go according to Ben's plan."
Sammy smiles wryly. "God laughs at man's plans."
"Maybe he's laughing at Sammy's plans, too," Ben suggests.
"I'm not making plans," she states.
"Are you sure?" Ben questions.
"Yes, this isn't my plan," she argues. "He brings healing in his wings. Why would me receiving healing just be my plan? He promised healing! And I asked for confirmation that Kenji and I were meant to be, and Darius had a prophetic dream… An unexplainable dream that I know was from God. So, no, I'm not making plans…"
"There's a difference between promises and plans," Ben says. "Yeah, you know his promises, but do you know his plans? You know what he desires you to have, but do you know exactly what's going to happen and how he'll give it to you?"
Sammy rests her head on her crossed arms, thinking over his words. Finished arguing, she looks at him, ready to listen.
"Sometimes what we want isn't what God wants for us," Ben says. "Sometimes what God wants for us is better than what we could ever hope for. Sometimes we are so desperate that we settle for something mediocre or 'good enough' when it's not what God has in store. Like the other guys you pursued. If Kenji really is who God has planned for you, don't you think it's good that all those other guys fell away? You would've been settling for someone who's 'good enough' for you, when if you had just waited, you could've gotten Kenji."
She nods, listening attentively.
"A lot of mess ups in the Bible happened because people tried to force God's hand," Ben says. "Think about Abraham and Sarah. They were promised a child, but Sarah couldn't have children. So what did they do? Abraham had a child through Sarah's servant, instead of trusting that God knew what he was doing when he promised them a child."
"Yeah…" she murmurs.
"Like with Abraham and Sarah, sometimes we know what God has planned for us, but we don't know how it will come about," he says softly. "We think we know what will happen, but we forget that with God, there's no such thing as impossible. We try to think of the most logical way God's plan can unfold, but more often than not, that's not what happens. And more often than not, that's where we mess up. Things aren't happening the way we think they should, and so we try to take matters into our own hands. We try to sail through the storm with our own power, instead of trusting that Jesus will calm it."
Ben stands up and looks down at Sammy. "Let go of your expectations, Sam. Let go of your plans and what you think God is going to do. Pray and read the Bible. Maybe another reason you're so tormented is because you're not truly focusing on God. Take it from me, focusing on your anxieties and fears and problems gives you anxiety and fear and uncertainty. Focusing on God and thinking about him more than you think about the problems gives you peace. Your emotions are a product of what you're thinking about. Ever notice how the more you think about your problem, the bigger it gets?"
Sammy nods.
"Try to meditate more on your Savior than on your problems," Ben smiles. "Focus on God and be prepared to do whatever he tells you to do, even if it sounds absolutely crazy and hard. He's the God of the impossible. He's got so many creative ways to let his plans unfold. Just imagine looking back at your life and being amazed at the way things turned out. It's never how you expect it to be."
"Is that what you're doing?" she asks.
Ben sighs. "It's what I'm trying to do. Honestly, Sammy, I'm not telling you to do something that I'm not struggling with. Like I said, I've got some thunderstorms, too, and I sometimes doubt if I heard God right… But the story that keeps coming to mind is the story of Abraham and Isaac. God had promised Abraham a son and descendants as numerous as the sand. Then he was told to sacrifice his only son. Don't you think Abraham was a little hesitant at first?"
Sammy nods.
"He still did it… Or was going to," Ben murmurs. "He was fully prepared to kill his son. Imagine trying to come up with a plan for that! I mean, Abraham knew that God had promised him descendants and a son. Don't you think that being asked to sacrifice that son is a little contradictory?"
"I wouldn't have been able to do it," Sammy states.
"He told the servants to wait for them," Ben says. "Not him. Them. He had faith that Isaac would live. Maybe he thought that God would bring Isaac back to life. Maybe not. Whatever he was thinking, he put aside his own plans and trusted in God, even though it sounded horrible and twisted and contradictory… That's what I'm trying to do… Put aside my own plans and believe despite how contradictory his voice sounds…"
"What has he asked you to do?" Sammy asks. "If… I can ask…"
Ben sighs softly. "Let go," he murmurs.
With that, Ben turns around and races through the downpour to get to the house, leaving Sammy to think over his words. As he runs towards the house, the storm begins to clear up. Small specks of sunlight peep through the dark clouds and shine down on her face, making her smile despite her thoughts.