Surviving Malfoy _ Part II : Anger and Depression

Portishead 'Roads' – We've got a war to fight.

Chapter 26:

I'm not sure how far the Fidelius charm reaches. I'm guessing from the cliff edge to maybe a bit further than the front garden. But that's not far enough for me, I have a longing for water, have had it since I first smelled the sea a few days ago. Fleur told me there are some steps down to the beach. She advised me not to go there, sure, but I'll be fine. We have yet to see any Death Eaters, I have Theo's wand and I stole Harry's invisibility cloak.

It's also four in the morning, but thankfully the moon is bright enough, so I don't take a tumble down the stone steps carved into the cliff's edge. I didn't dress in enough layers though. It's early April, which means freezing winds that spray icy cold, dagger-like sea water droplets onto my face. I can't cast a repulsion charm over myself, it'll show like a soap bubble in the dark. But I can cast a warming charm under the cloak. I came down here to put my feet in the water, but I'm not going to attempt that now, warming charm or not. Instead, I find a cozy spot on the sand that's less exposed to the elements and settle down there.

I revel in the luxury of fresh air. I can barely stay in the house for more than a few minutes, always craving sunlight and the wind. I cried when I first consciously felt the sea breeze run through my hair, hiding it from the others by pretending it was for Dobby. Only Theo noticed, stopping his grave digging to ask me if I was alright when I came outside after helping Hermione into her bath. I told him I was, and that was the last time I spoke to any of them. I can't sleep either, barely have since we arrived. I don't know how Luna and Mr. Ollivander do it.

Tonight, the sky is clear for the first time, and I take a moment just to look at the stars. I only ever looked out for the moon when I was with Draco. I never took the time to appreciate the rest of the night sky, how beautifully it sparkles. I never had much of an interest in astronomy, but I can't think of anything else to do than to stare at Orion, forgetting the names of its belt, remembering Betelgeuse and Rigel, and ignoring Bellatrix.

I still have her knife. No one saw me take it and I've had it under a concealment charm, stuck into a belt loop. I consider throwing it into the sea, but I discard that thought immediately.

The truth is, I don't know what to do. I know this war isn't over yet, and there is no way out for me, other than a win or death, but I'm already so tired.

It could be years before this ends. But I don't know if I can go on for years. The idea terrifies me. I barely have the energy to think about the next step, er even just to cruise along and watch Harry handle it all. It's difficult to just breathe half the time. It feels futile, and unfair. And insane frankly, to not just give up. I don't want to see anyone else suffer, get tortured, er die. I don't want to lose anyone else.

I don't want to lose myself either.

I want to lay in bed. My bed. In my mother's house, listening to her bustle around downstairs. I want to still believe my father is some no-good dead-beat who left us before I was born, that I have no relation to Harry. That I have no skin in the game, and for the war to become a distant problem that doesn't affect me. I want Harry, Hermione and Ron on some far away beach in the Caribbean and for somebody else to handle the problem.

I wish there wasn't a problem at all.

I wish I had never met Draco. I wish I didn't know he exists. I wish I could forget his eyes.

I wish I could forget his father exists. I feel the weight of him on my chest, constricting my lungs and squeezing my heart.

So, I do the only logical thing I can think of. I close my eyes, plunge into my mind and I take the weight off.

The cottage is dark when I return frozen to the bone, I sneak the cloak back into Hermione's beaded handbag in the tiny bedroom we share, slip out of my expensive, battered clothes and into the pajamas Fleur has laid out for me and sneak into the field bed next to Luna. And I fall asleep instantly.

The house is still quiet when I wake up. Or again, I can't be sure. It's pitch-black outside, bar for the little light coming from the waning moon. I have to use Theo's wand to light my way down the stairs, and I find a small slither of light creeping out from under the kitchen door.

„She's alive." It's Harry.

I close the door behind me to shut out the rest of the cottage. "Just about," I say, and join him at the kitchen table. There are several sheets of parchment strewn across it in front of him; something that looks like a 3D map, the battered copy of Magick Moste Evile we pulled out of the Room of Requirements last year, Hogwarts A History and, strangely, a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Dard.

„What's all this?" I ask, sitting down opposite him.

„We have a hunch where the next horcrux might be," Harry says.

„Where's that?"

He clears his throat, „We think it's at Gringotts." He points at the chaotic looking map.

I freeze. „Harry, please tell me you're not planning on breaking into Gringotts."

„It's the only lead we have at the moment," he pauses. „Well, no actually, we know the snake is one and I think there night be one at Hogwarts. The snake is always with him, so we'll probably have to destroy it last. And Hermione isn't convinced about Hogwarts yet, so…"

„So Gringotts."

„It's our most substantial lead, yes."

I refrain from telling him how insane the sheer thought is, he clearly knows.

„How are you feeling?" Harry changes the subject.

„Stiff." I crack my neck.

„You did sleep all day."

„All day?"

„We didn't want to wake you," Harry says. "Hermione said you haven't really been sleeping in the last couple of days." I don't respond. „Do you want to talk about it?"

„About what?" It's a reflex response. Harry gives me a look. „Nothing big happened," I say. „They gave me to Draco." I raise my hand to stop Harry before he can say anything. „He never hurt me. They knew about Draco and I last year, he fed them some lie that he manipulated me, so You-Know-Who put Draco in charge of looking after me and trying to get information out of me. He knew it wouldn't work; it was just a humiliation tactic. I never told Draco anything, he never asked, he didn't want to know. I spent the last few months holed up in his room, in complete luxury, being fed three meals a day and waiting for the right moment to escape. I had it a million times better than Luna and Mr. Ollivander."

Harry sighs. „Why were you in the cellar when we were captured?"

I blink at him. „What?"

„You were in the cellar when they captured us and brought us to the Manor. Why were you in the cellar and not in Draco's room?"

I stare at the kitchen stove, racking my brain. And I shrug. „I don't know." I think out loud, „Theo came just before you arrived. He was negotiating with Lucius to take me away, take me off their hands, apparently on You-Know-Who's orders. But I don't know exactly why, Draco had me put back into the cellar a few days before."

„Was that part of the plan?"

I shrug again. „Maybe? All I knew was 'plane to France' and that they were waiting for the right moment to hand me over. Theo wanted to flee before he got the mark, because it makes you traceable. And that was scheduled for the end of the holidays, so yes, I guess it was."

"But you don't know for sure." It isn't a question.

"No… I mean, yes. I'm not sure, is what I know. The last few months are…" I wave my hand around as if to swat away a bug. "Hazy. Very hazy, it's all a bit muddled and-"

Harry cuts me off, "That's okay. But I have to ask, and it's okay if you don't have an answer, but did you pick up anything substantial about You-Know-Who's plans? Anything about the Horcruxes?"

I lean my elbows on the table and rub my hands over my face, before shaking my head. "Nothing about Horcruxes," I say. "But I know he's building an army."

"Well, that's pretty obvious…"

"No, Harry. Not an army of wizards. Werewolves and giants and dementors." I look at him, taking a deep breath, "He is using Greyback, Draco and a few other werewolves to infect as many muggleborn children as possible. He got a list of names from the Hogwarts enrollment quill, he sends out werewolves to take the kids on the full-moon and then has them indoctrinated and trained to be let loose in battle. Not many survive, but they have about half a dozen or so and that's more than enough to wreak havoc.

"He found some giants holed up in the Ural Mountains and he's promised them their rights to full freedom if they come back to England. But the Russian Prime Minister is blocking their travel, him and his family are in danger. And he's bought the dementors' allegiance with money from the Malfoy estate."

Harry has pulled out a quill and is frantically jotting everything down. "I'll pass this on to Bill, he can tell the rest of the Order."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you all this sooner," I say.

"Don't worry. The Order isn't inactive, they probably already know some of this." He finishes writing his sentence. "Do you have any names?"

I lean back on the chair, thinking. And then I shake my head. "Can't remember," I whisper.

Silence stretches over us, before Harry speaks again, "Draco is a werewolf?"

I blink at him before I nod. "You-Know-Who ordered Greyback to bite him to punish his father. He was never a Death Eater last year Harry, he only got the mark over Christmas."

Harry stares down at the piece of parchment in front of him and presses his lips together. He doesn't say anything though.

"Oh, and I heard them mention Gringotts."

He perks up.

"Nothing much, just that they are torturing Goblins. I don't know what for."

Harry nods, "Griphook said the goblins are staying impartial. Gringotts would be a very big asset for him, that's probably why." He makes another note.

"I heard names of people they're looking for, names of muggle-borns mainly, and a wand maker."

"Gregorovitch," Harry says.

"That's it."

Another silence, but this time I'm the one to break it. "Narcissa Malfoy came to talk to me once."

Harry frowns at me.

"This isn't about the war directly, it's about me." I pause. "Do you know anything about Snape? Were him and our mother close at all?"

The frown deepens. "From what I understand, yes," Harry says. "At least in the early years at Hogwarts. They were friends until Snape started hanging out with Death Eaters, and mum, being muggle-born, obviously cut off contact. Why?"

I bite my lip, realizing I don't have the letter or the picture to show. "Apparently," I start. "Once Lily knew you were a target, she brought me to Snape and asked him to look after me until it's safe to give me to mom."

Harry cocks his head. "It's not a dumb idea," he says. "She'd be hiding you in plain sight. I mean, I wouldn't have trusted Snape of all people. But if she really wanted to make you disappear-"

"She obliviated our father," I say. "Mum showed me a letter from Lily addressed to her in which she explained it. She manipulated the memories of everyone close to them and acted like I never existed."

"And brought you to Snape," Harry said. "Who just suddenly had a one-year-old?"

"Well," I say. "I'm guessing he's a perpetual loner, and I doubt You-Know-Who made unexpected house calls back then. But I wasn't there for very long. He didn't know how to care for a baby, so he brought me to someone he trusted and who knew how to handle children."

"Narcissa."

"Exactly," I say. "Her husband didn't care much at first, she said I was some friend's kid who needed help and she kept me at the manor. She had a letter from Lily to Snape and a picture of Draco and I." I pause. "They're still at the manor…"

"And Meredith?"

"They found her pretty easily. But Narcissa didn't want to give me to her at first, because-"

"She's a squib," Harry says glumly.

I nod. "She's a Squib. But eventually, she realized she couldn't just keep me. So, she forged new papers for us and tipped mom off about Salem and New Orleans."

"So, Jolene isn't your real name?"

I huff out a laugh, "No… Snape gave me that name."

"Snape," Harry says incredulously.

"It gets better," I say, a smile pulling at my lips. "After the Dolly Parton song."

Harry's mouth twitches, he takes a moment in which he clearly tries to hold back a laugh.

"And I asked mom once if I'm named after that song, and she blatantly denied it," I say. "She didn't know obviously, but she was very indignant."

"You red-headed hussy," Harry grins. "Snape, the Dolly Parton fan."

"Well, his mother was apparently. But clearly, he listened to enough of it."

"Can you imagine?" Harry says and starts humming a tune.

It takes me a few notes to recognize, but when it finally clicks, the idea of Snape home alone makes me giggle.

"Tumble out of bed and then stumble to the kitchen,"

"pour myself a cup of ambition-"

The kitchen door opens and a disgruntled looking Hermione in a dressing gown enters. She stops dead in her tracks when she spots us. "Were you singing 9 to 5?" She asks incredulously.

Harry and I exchange a look, grinning, before I turn to Hermione. "Snape named me after a Dolly Parton song," I announce and Harry bursts out laughing.

"I'm sorry what?" Hermione's eyebrows are at her hairline.

"I'll explain later," I tell her between bouts of laughter.

Hermione blinks down at the two of us, before pulling out a chair for herself. "Have you found any potential weak spots?" she asks, pointing at the rolls of parchment on the table.

Harry shakes his head, laughter dying down. "It's a fortress," he says. "And even if we got in, the chances of us getting out alive are even smaller."

"I'm not sure I'd be comfortable going into this without a plan B, Harry. I don't trust Griphook."

"He's the only chance we have, Hermione." Harry leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, looking at her with defiance in his eyes.

"Whose vault are you trying to get into?" I interject.

"The Lestrange vault. Bellatrix was hysterical when she thought we'd been in there," Hermione explains. "There must be something else there. We think it's the cup."

"The cup?"

"Helga Hufflepuffs cup," Harry says.

"But what if you're wrong?"

"About the cup?" Harry raises an eyebrow at me.

Hermione ignores him. "It's either that, or… the last Horcrux we know nothing about," she says grimly. "It obviously can't be the snake. But we know he definitely used the cup as a Horcrux, that's certain, we just need to find it."

"And what if it's not in Gringotts?" I ask, "or what if it isn't the cup, but there is a Horcrux in there and you just don't know which of the thousands of valuable, antique things the Lestranges probably have in there it is?"

Hermione and Harry exchange a look.

"Then we'll have to go to Hogwarts," Harry says.

Hermione presses her lips together. "Yes, but a Gringotts vault is infinitely smaller than all of Hogwarts castle. If we don't find the cup in there, we'll just have to destroy everything in it," she says firmly, prompting both Harry and eye to raise our eyebrows at her.

"Do you have any idea what the last Horcrux could be?"

"We think it has something to do with Ravenclaw," Harry says. "It would make the most sense. And it has to be at Hogwarts, I don't believe he didn't hide anything there. It's too significant."

"But it would take months to search the whole castle. We don't have that kind of time," Hermione says. "And Snape is there, remember? And the Carrows."

"I could go," I offer.

"To Hogwarts?" Harry asks.

Hermione frowns, much less skeptical looking than I anticipate.

"I could hide out in the Room of Requirements," I say. "The Death Eaters know about it, but as long as it doesn't stay empty, they couldn't get in, could they?"

"But that's the problem, Jay," Harry says. "How are you supposed to search the castle if you have to stay in the Room of Requirements at all times?"

"I'll take Theo."

"No way," Harry says firmly.

"That's not such a bad idea," Hermione contradicts him.

"Taking Nott Horcrux hunting isn't a bad idea?!"

"No, I mean, there's already a hideout in the Room of Requirements," Hermione says. "I overheard Bill talking to Fleur earlier. Ginny's driving Molly up the wall, begging her to let her go back to Hogwarts. Apparently, the DA has created sort of a safe house in the Room to escape the Carrows. If we can get Jay into the castle, she can use the Room as a base and start searching for the next Horcrux until we can join. You can give her the map, I'll make us some fresh coins so we can stay in touch, Garrick is already working on a new wand, once that is done… It would be a huge step forward!"

"I'll do it," I say, with no hesitation.

Harry clenches his jaw. "I don't know Hermione."

"Don't go big brother on me," I say.

"Yes, but how do we get her into Hogwarts?" Harry says to Hermione, ignoring my presence. "They check every student coming in with Probity Probes and detection charms. We can forget Polyjuice potion, glamour charms, alteration charms, disillusionment… And even if that would work, surely, they'll notice an extra student wandering into the castle on the first day back."

"That's not a problem," Hermione says. "Harry, we know enough ways into the castle. We know of seven secret passages into Hogwarts."

"So does Wormtail. He cowrote the map Hermione, there must be guards."

Hermione goes quiet for a moment, before she says, "write to Ginny. There must be a safe way into the castle she knows of, or she wouldn't be begging to go back."

"If I do that, she'll ask to come with."

"Let her," I say. "The Room's safe, she wouldn't have to leave it."

Harry glares at me, "she's not going."

"Fine, she's not going," I say. "But I'm taking Theo." I hope my tone of voice leaves no room for objection. "I'm not going alone."

"To Hogwarts?" Harry asks, incredulously.

"He wants to help," Hermione says.

"How do you know?"

"Unlike you, I bothered talking to him, Harry," she responds pointedly. "He'd rather leave the country obviously, but that's not an option right now."

"I'll ask him if he wants to come along, but I'm pretty sure he'd rather do that than sit around in an Order safe house for Lord knows how long," I say.

Harry sighs. "Fine, but you're keeping his wand. And he's not leaving the Room of Requirements. There are too many of his old friends around, he better not go blabbing."

"He'll need a wand Harry," I retort. "The whole point of not wanting to go in alone, is to have a second wand with me."

"Luna might want to go," Harry says.

"And Dean," Hermione adds.

"He's muggleborn and on the run," Harry exclaims with indignation. "We can't ask him to do that."

"We're all on the run, may I remind you."

"He'll be safer in the Room of Requirements than in some tent," I say.

"Are you sure? We've been found out in there once before. Remember Hermione?"

"Yes," she says, irritated. "With much lower stakes. There are people living in the Room of Requirements seeking refuge from actual torture, Harry. No one's in there just to rebel against a teacher, if one resident decides to rat them out, we'd have much bigger problems."

"But sending in Nott, the son of a high-ranking Death Eater, sounds reasonable to you."

"You've summoned me?" The door to the kitchen opens with a creak, revealing Theo, standing tall in the doorway with a smug look on his face.

Harry rolls his eyes at him, "This is a private conversation, Nott."

"We are talking about him though," I retort. "It's not polite to talk behind people's backs."

"Oh, I'm just here to get some coffee, darling, not to listen to your dear brother project my father's crimes onto me," Theo says. "Kin punishment is frowned upon, Potter."

"Theo," I say quickly before Harry can respond. "How would you like to come to Hogwarts?"

"Over my dead body."

"That settles it, he's staying here."

"Also, over my dead body. I'll swim to France if I have to, but as hospitable as you all are, I'd rather not encroach much longer than I need to."

"You're staying where we can keep an eye on you," Harry shoots back.

"What if I told you we have a safe place inside Hogwarts?" I say, ignoring Harry yet again.

"Then I'd say Draco bonked your head on the headboard one too many times."

"Hilarious," I say drily, ignoring the look on Harry's face and Hermione's pursed lips. "It's safe, they won't be able to detect us, you won't have to fight anyone, you'll get enough sleep and food…"

Theo walks over to the counter and, in lack of a wand, starts adding coffee grounds to the French press by hand, his expression only mildly offended by the task. "So, the Room of Requirements." Hermione, Harry and I exchange a look, but none of us respond. "But I'd be in there with this one," Theo says sulkily, pointing at Harry.

"No, you wouldn't be," Hermione says. "We have other plans, you'd be going with Jay, and maybe Luna and Dean. There are a couple students already in the room, definitely Neville and Seamus, probably Lavender, Padma and Parvati, and a few other people less inclined towards the Carrows."

"Longbottom?" Theo blurts out, staring at Hermione with a blank expression on his face that quickly changes into a less convincing scowl. "Fine I'll go. If Potter's not going, someone will need to protect his sister, don't they." He smirks at Harry.

"If anything, you'll need protecting," I say sternly.

"From whom? The big bad Gryffindors?"

"The Carrows," Harry says. "You're not getting your wand back."

I shoot Harry a look, indicating that particular discussion isn't over.

Theo presses his lips together but resigns to a nod quite quickly. "So, when are we leaving?"

"We have to figure out how to get there first," I say.

"There are some secret passages into the castle we know of, but there have to be guards, it would be dangerous," Hermione says.

"They've all been blocked," Theo says. "You can forget those. The only way we might make it onto the grounds is through the forest."

"How do you know?"

Theo shoots Harry a look.

"Hogsmeade?" Hermione asks.

"Curfew between 7pm and 7am, Caterwauling charm during curfew and anti-apparition wards a few miles arounds the village. There aren't any Aurors or Death Eaters in the school, but they patrol Hogsmeade and the surrounding area. And they have a much higher number of prefects – mainly Slytherins, Death Eater kids – patrolling the corridors and grounds at night. Students are escorted between classes and to meals and otherwise don't get to leave their common rooms, so we can't hide in the crowd either."

"So not Hogsmeade, but we'll give you a map you can use to monitor people in the castle, so you can make sure you don't run into anyone."

"I haven't agreed to that…" Harry says half-heartedly.

"Harry please," Hermione says with an eyeroll.

"We should try and get in touch with Neville before we attempt to go," I say. "Let him know we're coming. Maybe he can help us get in too."

"I'll write to him," Harry says quickly. "I'm sure he's home for the holidays, he'll know just as much as Ginny."

"Who'd have thought you wouldn't jump on the occasion to write to Ginny," Hermione quips.

Harry ignores her, "how long until the wands are finished?"

"A week or two," Hermione says. "Fleur's batch of Polyjuice potion should be done by then. The coins are easy…"

"We should avoid a full moon," I say.

"Am I allowed to ask why we're going to Hogwarts?"

"No," Harry says firmly.

Theo raises his hands in surrender. "Fine. I'll just be happy to be included."