Author's note:
(Updated on January 31st)
Um... Wow... So somehow my notifications got turned off? I literally have not seen any of your comments for months. Kinda thought people forgot about it until Gj02 informed me of the... VERY... active comment section, lol.
It's been a busy few months between college and work... And losing my grandmother. Which still doesn't feel completely real yet, not really feeling sad... Which sounds bad. It's been... 2 weeks? No, 1 week since we lost her to this day... 2 weeks since she we thought she was dying. We said our goodbyes 2 weeks ago when she seemed to be at deaths door. I guess I kinda grieved her then...
Anyway, as Gj02 explained, I've tried to get ahead and finish a bunch of chapters before posting. I've gotten 56 and 57 done, currently working on 58. I wanted to hold off, but I haven't posted since August (Seriously?) and I know you guys are waiting... Plus, other fandoms have been distracting as of late, so maybe a deadline and countless fans urging me on will motivate me to get back in the game, lol.
So, with great excitement, chapter 56: Not Gonna Die, will be posted on March 1st, 2023, regardless of how much progress I've made in later chapters.
Hope this helps (or makes the excitement worse ;D)
Warnings/notes:
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! REAL BAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Also, I have no idea how to write an amputee character correctly... so to any amputees out there, I'm sorry if this is completely inaccurate... I tried, but I haven't experienced it or know anyone who's experienced it, so...
I also don't speak Spanish, which is why bilingual Gutierrez's mostly speak English... Sorry if I've butchered the Spanish parts.
After all that, enjoy!
"Buenas noches, Sammy," Mr. Gutierrez says after helping his daughter up the stairs in her wheelchair.
"Buenas noches, Papá," she gives him a kiss goodnight on the cheek before climbing into bed.
Miriam and Holly chat for a bit as they're getting ready for bed, but quiet down pretty quickly. Sammy doesn't have to wait long before they're both asleep. Her conversation with Abuela was still fresh on her mind. The gears in her mind were turning and there was no way she could go to sleep anytime soon. She needed answers and solutions.
Sitting up, she picks up her Bible and a small flashlight by her bedside. This was not the first time she had been up late studying, and she usually kept a flashlight for this, just in case. It would be inconsiderate to turn on the light when her sisters were sleeping, so she tried to keep the light as dim as possible without hurting her eyes.
She wasn't sure where to start. Abuela and her had covered a lot of ground. There was so much going through her head…
Figuring it was a start, she finds the story of Abraham and Isaac, studying it with a new perspective. There was so much to unpack… Sure, she knew God was testing Abraham's obedience… But there was so much to uncover with this new revelation. So many new questions. How did Abraham feel when God asked him to sacrifice his son? Did he have that strong of faith that he immediately went and did it? Or did he question whether he had heard God correctly? And how did Isaac feel? Did he distrust his father after that? Or did he trust that his father only had the best of interests, even when tied with a knife above his head? Or maybe he trusted in God…
"He said to his servants, 'Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there,'" Sammy murmurs, reading the passage. "'We will worship and then we will come back to you.' … 'The fire and the wood are here,' Isaac said, 'but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?' Abraham answered, 'God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.'"
"Did Abraham know this was a test?" Sammy wonders. "Surely he knew God was testing his faith and obedience… But did he know God would spare his son? He seemed sure that the two of them would come back…"
Ben's words from their conversation a couple days ago comes back. "He told the servants to wait for them. Not him. Them. He had faith that Isaac would live. Maybe he thought that God would bring Isaac back to life. Maybe not. Whatever he was thinking, he put aside his own plans and trusted in God, even though it sounded horrible and twisted and contradictory…"
"How would you do that? Trust in God so much that you're willing to give over your own child to death…" Sammy wonders. "Maybe he thought God would bank out at the last minute and provide a lamb, like he did… But he cut it awfully close… He was absolutely prepared to go through with it… He was willing to give up his loved ones if God said to…"
Sammy couldn't understand how Abraham did it… Giving over her friends or family was impossible in her mind! How could you do it? How could one kill their child, even if God asked them to?
"Did he think God gave him a son only to sacrifice him?" she thinks. "How do you justify that?"
The pages flip over due to the angle in which she held the book. She groans and goes to find her place. Something catches her eye, though. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
It seemed so contradictory to read about God asking Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, then read that verse… Contradictory if she didn't know how the story ended. "I doubt God would've let Isaac die… He's faithful and says he'll rescue his people… Knowing the story, it's clear Isaac wouldn't have died," she mules to herself. "God would've saved him, or Abraham wouldn't have sacrificed him. But in the moment, Abraham had some crazy strong faith that he wouldn't lose his son…"
Closing her eyes and letting her head flop back against the bed, she sighs. "Why does God ask us to do these things? Why do bad things happen to us?"
She flips absentmindedly through the pages. Finally landing on a page, she glances over it, hoping something would jump out. She wasn't entirely happy with what did. "And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
Miffed, she turns off the flashlight, and lays back down, not wanting to read anymore. "How can everything bad that happens to us be good?"
In her irritated state, a memory from the island pops up. The tiny little Indoraptors kept trying to approach the fire and explore it. The campers had to constantly shoo them away and discourage them from touching it, greatly annoying the hybrids. They couldn't understand why the humans weren't allowing them to explore this new, curious fire. "No," Yasmina said sternly, but she didn't reach out to stop Rima.
"Are you not going to stop her?" Brooklynn mumbled through food.
"She's not listening," Yasmina shrugged. "She'll figure out what fire does on her own. I've told her no, if she's not going to listen, she has consequences."
Without fail, Rima darted towards the fire and burned her nose. With a yelp, she pulled back and looked up at Yasmina with pitiful, pleading eyes, as if to ask "Why would you let me feel pain?"
Sammy smiles softly out of nostalgia and pity for the little hybrid. "Poor little baby."
"It's not like Yasmina wanted her to get hurt, and it's not like she DIDN'T try to stop Rima… Rima has her own mind and refused to listen to better judgment. She had to learn her lesson the hard way."
Sammy groans and buries her face in the pillow. But she understood the lesson. Many times she had seen the same concept at work with her and her siblings. Her parents would give rules and try to explain why they were in place, but they wouldn't listen. Holly got pregnant, not heeding her parents warnings and carelessly sleeping with her boyfriends. Sammy got stuck on the island, not listening to her parents when they said she didn't need to go…
"Sometimes they say things for a reason, and I don't listen," reason states. "It's not that they wanted me to get stuck on Isla Nublar; they tried to discourage me from going! But my own stubbornness and free will got me into trouble…"
"And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
Looking back, it wasn't a completely terrible experience. The trauma, the fear, the starvation, the pain… She wouldn't call it good… But it had its advantages and looking back, a lot more good came out than she would've initially thought.
"I found my best friends. Yasmina came out of her shell. Ben became stronger and overcame a lot of his anxiety. Darius found best friends. Kenji changed. Brooklynn found people who truly care…"
"Had we not been stuck together, I wonder where we would be…" Sammy murmurs. "I never would've found those guys… Kenji might still be the narcissistic, unhappy guy he was… Yasmina would still have suppressed trauma undealt with… Ben might still be anxious… Darius would still be mourning his Dad… Brooklynn might be dead…"
"And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
"But why would God ask us to do hard things that hurt?!" Sammy argues. "Why would he ask Abraham to kill his son?! If he truly wants the best for us, like a good father should, why does he ask us to go through pain?!"
A memory of Yasmina resurfaces, seemingly random and unhelpful. "I'm evil," the athlete sighed.
Sammy turned to her, confused. "What did ya do now?"
Yasmina laughed. "My characters probably hate me."
"What did you do to them?" the cowgirl shook her head.
"Ehhhh, long story short, this guy provokes these evil monsters/spirits and they curse him and his family," she said, trying to shorten her lengthy story to the necessary details. "The next seven generations descending from him will be haunted by these monsters. The eighth generation will not be allowed to live. That's the curse."
"You are mean," Sammy agreed.
"Heheh, that's not even the worst," Yasmina cackled maniacally. "So, seven generations later, this girl, Berenike, is born. The monsters usually don't attack. They play pranks and scare the family, but they don't actually kill people. Berenike, though, has had several attempts on her life by these monsters by the time she's fifteen. They've traumatized her in… many ways…"
"And I should let my mind go there, right?" Sammy asked, knowing what Yasmina was implying.
"Yeahhhh, you'll see why in a minute," she sighed. "Anyway, another thing is that these monsters never appear in front of other people who aren't related. You have to be blood related to the cursed ancestor, married, or adopted."
"Aww, the monsters are inclusive of adoptions," Sammy laughed harder than she should've.
"Well, imagine trying to haunt a family and this strange kid is just always there!" Yasmina protested. "The monsters just be sitting there like, 'I don't know, Boss, this kid just won't leave!'"
Sammy snorted with laughter.
"So, the monsters only haunt those who are in the family," Yasmina continued. "Except Berenike's best friend, Jeremiah, ends up getting attacked as well. The family assumes since the two have known each other since they were five, and he's there all the time, that the monsters assumed he was adopted."
"But it's never that simple," Sammy smirked, knowing her friend's crazy stories.
"Nope," Yasmina chuckled sinisterly. "See, they learn that there's a prophecy that says that a young girl in the family will give birth to the eighth generation and break the curse. The only limitation on the family is that there can only be seven generations, so naturally giving birth to the eighth generation is the only way to break the curse!"
"And of course, Berenike's the one destined to have a kid," Sammy rolled her eyes, invested.
"Yeah, naturally!" Yasmina said, flipping over onto her stomach and launching into an explanation. A few minutes later, she tries to sum it up. "Okay, so the monsters attack every piece of her identity to try to discourage her from having a child. They destroy her dolls and kill her cat—what she treated as children—to make her scared of failing as a mother. They attack her heritage and cultural identity to discourage her from finding the ancient prophecy. They scar her… in that way to discourage her from accidentally getting pregnant. Everything they've done to her is to prevent her from fulfilling the prophecy."
"But she gets through all the trauma," Sammy smirked.
"Heheh, I've provided a way through," Yasmina grinned. "Her brother is obsessed with their culture and ancient history, so HE'S the one who finds the prophecy. She's the oldest in her friend group, so she develops a mother-like bond with the other girls and warms up to the idea of being a mother. And she's been friends with Jeremiah since they were five. They're inseparable and he's been with her through everything. She trusts him more than anybody else."
"Ooooh, and he's going to be the father because he's the only one not related to the family getting attacked!" Sammy caught on.
"Exactly!" Yasmina exclaimed. "And even though she's terrified of romance, she trusts him, and they work through her trauma to… get her pregnant."
The girls started cackling. "I don't tell many people about my stories for a reason," she chuckled.
"Eh, it's one o'clock and it sounds interesting," Sammy shrugged, urging her friend to go on.
"Well, because she's fifteen, they start young," Yasmina said, immediately explaining her reasoning. "Because the monsters have already tried to kill her, so the older she gets, the more danger she's in! Everything they do is in secret, and they don't realize she's pregnant until she's really far along. She doesn't show at all. It's not until she gives birth that the monsters realize. Epic battle, etc. The monsters are defeated, the end!"
Sammy laughed. "I take it back, you're not mean. You're evil."
"I have my reasons," Yasmina grinned sheepishly. "In the moment, she's definitely not happy with having to get pregnant. But it's not like it's her fault… She can blame her ancestor for being cursed. And if she just trusts me and follows what I've set out for her, not only will the curse be broken, but she'll have two wonderful twins."
"Twins?!" Sammy exclaimed.
"Okay, the monsters magic allows them to make one revision to the curse," Yasmina explained. "So in the heat of the moment, they change the curse to allow one child from the eighth generation to live. It seems like all hope is lost, until they realize she has twins, and the second kid ends up breaking the curse because the monsters can't change the curse a second time."
"Oh, lawd," Sammy sighed. "Why am I surprised?"
"In the moment, it sounds really bad," Yasmina said. "... And it is… But I haven't abandoned her. What the monsters have done to her to hurt her, I've turned around and made it work in her favor. She was once broken, scarred, and traumatized. But now the curse is broken and she couldn't be happier with her twins and best friend. Now she's healed and grown from everything. Now things in her life have turned around. Even though the monsters tried to destroy her, I've given her a path through it and made everything work in her favor in the end."
Twisting in bed, Sammy turns her pillow sideways and hugs it close. A tear slips out as her mind replays that part. "But I haven't abandoned her. What the monsters have done to her to hurt her, I've turned around and made it work in her favor. She was once broken, scarred, and traumatized… Even though the monsters tried to destroy her, I've given her a path through it and made everything work in her favor in the end."
"And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
Her anger starts to eb. She knew that naturally, every action has a consequence… whether good or bad… Sometimes the consequences affected more people than just the one making the decision. Like in Yasmina's story… Berenike's suffering wouldn't have happened had her ancestor not provoked the monsters… The Isla Nublar disaster wouldn't have happened had Wu not created the Indominus… Sometimes the problems encountered in life are the result of other people's bad decisions.
"It's a chaotic world… We're like balls on a pool table… Bouncing off each other and propelling people in different directions," she thinks.
"And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
Sighing sharply, she sits up to write that verse down somewhere. It kept repeating in her head, and she wanted to remember it. As she scribbles in a small notebook, the last part sticks out. At first, she thought her dyslexia was misspelling things, but she couldn't get that last part out of her head. "... if we love God and are fitting into his plans."
"I've provided a way through… if she just trusts me and follows what I've set out for her… I haven't abandoned her… I've given her a path through it and made everything work in her favor in the end…" bits and pieces from Yasmina's story come back.
Sammy had come to the end of her arguing. "You promised to protect me and work everything in my favor… But I have to be listening and obeying…"
It made sense to her. It would be like getting angry at her parents for what happened to her on the island, when they were trying to stop her from going in the first place… It's hard to keep someone safe when they refuse to listen to your instructions… Sammy knew firsthand what that was like when she tried to doctor Yasmina…
But all that left was what she was being asked to do…
Leave Kenji.
She knew what she had to do… She just didn't want to do it. How could she break up with him? They weren't officially together, how could it be so difficult? All she'd do was tell him she wanted to be friends… But why was that so hard in her head?
Familiar anxiety rises up… and an old memory. "As for you and Ben, sounds to me like you guys could've become codependent," Sammy said, leaning against the stove next to Kenji in his father's condos. "And that's not healthy. You guys only knew each other for a few days, and you're already hurt that he's not clinging to you. Imagine if you had more time to become closer. Seems to me like you guys wouldn't be able to live without each other. You would constantly look to him for validation, and he would look to you for protection. While that sounds good, you need to be able to live on your own without constantly having to look to someone else for something."
"You think I wouldn't be able to live without Ben?" Kenji asked. "... I guess it's not impossible… I see your point about codependency."
"There has to be a balance between being independent, and knowing when to ask for help," Sammy said. "You don't want to find yourself so attached to a friend that you can't live your life without them. What if something happens to them? Where would you be? At the same time, you don't want to be on the Yaz side of the spectrum and hurt yourself trying to be independent. There's nothing wrong with depending on a friend and relying on them in a tough situation, but you don't want to overdo it to the point where they're your whole life."
Kenji laughed. "It's a difficult walk to walk."
"Okay," Sammy said, poking Kenji's side. He gently smacked her hand away. "You can protect me if it keeps you calm on this island. And you can come to me with anything. But don't become dependent on me. It sounds cute to say I can't live without you, but please don't feel that way about me. I don't want you to find yourself anxious without me there. Walk the line."
Sammy blinks back tears. Oh, how things had changed… They had promised not to become codependent on each other… Now look where they were. Now Sammy couldn't bear the thought of being without him, even though they would just be friends. Now Kenji was just as dependent on her as she was on him. That day after school, he had relentlessly helped on the ranch, no doubt trying to make up for his mistake… He had avoided her the entire day.
"I only have two options," she sighs internally. "Obey God and stop obsessing over Kenji, or do it my way… I don't like who I've become… And I don't like who I've helped Kenji to become… I'm not the only one affected by my decisions… I've become anxious, jealous, and hateful because of this obsession… I've tempted him into breaking his own word… Who knows what else this has done to him… This is causing me strife in so many ways…
"... As hard as it will be, I have to break this off for the time being… Maybe forever… I have to get back into that mindset of not being dependent on my friends… Time and time again, God has shown me he is the only one I can rely on… Maybe that's why I've been so hopeless lately… I've stopped truly trusting in God and started depending on my friends…"
After a bit of internal battle, she decides. "I can't be this dependent on my friends. I can't even be this dependent on my family… I could lose every single one of them tomorrow, and what would I do? I'd be destroyed! I wouldn't be able to live! That's not healthy… My will to live can't be dependent on my friends… Who I am can't be dependent on them… My happiness can't be dependent on them… Maybe I will marry Kenji… Maybe I won't… But I can't let my future with him control me…"
Finally, she slips into a deep sleep, having wrestled through the majority of the thoughts keeping her awake.
The next day started the weekend, and Sammy helped out on the ranch for the day. It felt strange; Yasmina was spending the day with her family, as was Brooklynn. Ben was over at Darius's house, and Kenji was helping out on the ranch… Except the two of them weren't exactly talking. It was odd to Sammy to have a day where she wasn't hanging out with her friends… It reminded her of the times before the island, when her main company was her family. It left a feeling of nostalgia in her stomach.
As Kenji assists her father and uncles with the ranch work, Sammy hesitates. She knew what she was going to do… She knew it would be better for both of them if they separated and agreed to stay friends until further notice… Even though they weren't dating, the thought of dating was still so tantalizing… They had to break up indefinitely until things got better…
But what if things didn't? What if they never got back together? What if Kenji married someone else? What if he never became a Christian? Sammy knew she couldn't marry him if he wasn't… It hurt to think about and would equally hurt Kenji to hear…
Again… She had to choose one or the other. She had trusted in God and she had been dependent on Kenji… She knew who she had become because of both of those paths and she knew what happened and what could happen… She knew that trusting the Lord was the better option… But that meant possibly losing Kenji…
"Abraham was told to sacrifice his son," she tells herself. "You can't be this dependent on Kenji… You could lose him through death… What would you do then, Sammy? Whether we get married in the future or not shouldn't be a factor! Your happiness depends on God. My relationship with Kenji shouldn't affect it. I can't obey God to earn Kenji back… I should be acting out of obedience regardless of what happens in the future… Thy will be done… Your plans are for me… goodness you have in store…"
That night at the dinner table, Sammy plays with her food. She didn't have much of an appetite; her mind wasn't at ease. Kenji and her hadn't said a single word to each other since they kissed… She hoped they could at least salvage their friendship after she broke things off. "Thy will be done…" she reminds herself.
"Are you bien, Sam?" her father asks, bringing her back to the table. "You seem bleh."
"Sí…" she mumbles, not really wanting to talk about it, especially in front of her younger sisters.
"Did something happen between you and Kenji?" Sandra asks. "He's been trabajando muy duro with the cattle todo el día. (working hard… all day.)"
"Do I need to kill him?" Holly asks.
Miriam sighs. "I'll get the shovel," she says, acting as if she'd get up for comedic effect.
"No, I bet it's because his Papá has le abandonó," Shelby states decisively.
"Shelby, he hasn't abandoned him," Mrs. Gutierrez scolds.
"Well, he certainly doesn't come around anymore," the six year old claims. "He's not fun like Beebee's Dad or Ben's Dad. I don't see Brooklynn's Dad around, either…"
"That's cause they're…" Holly stops herself and lifts her eyebrows to finish the sentence in polite company.
"Chicas, parad, (Girls, stop)" Mrs. Gutierrez scolds. "We all make mistakes, even as adults. "While Mr. Kuragari and Mr. Colin might not have always been there for their children before, they're trying their best to change."
"Well, they ain't doin' a good job," Shelby decides.
"Come on, they've been around more often," Sandra defends.
"For the first month or so…" Rio mutters.
"Shelby, why don't you pray for them?" Abuela steps in with a suggestion.
The six year old nods. "I'll pray that they grow a heart and a beard."
The family groans and laughs at the same time. "What? Mr. Colin has a naked face and Mr. Kuragari barely has a mustache!" Shelby protests. "They should have full, thick beards! We shouldn't be able to tell that they have butt chins!"
Her sisters cackle while her parents shake their heads. "Lord, help us," Mr. Gutierrez sighs.
"Where do you get these ideas?" Mrs. Gutierrez shakes her head, regretting motherhood.
"All she's grown up seeing is you and your hermanos," Abuela points out. "Every man in this family has a thick beard."
"Yeah! That's normal!" Shelby insists.
"People have different amounts of body hair and they're all normal," Mrs. Gutierrez tells her wearily.
"Nuh uh! Men have more body hair than women," Shelby says insistfully. "Sammy! You hear me!"
"Shelby, stop calling out your sister!" her mother snaps.
Sammy rolls her eyes.
"Why would a guy want a hairy girl?" Shelby asks brutally.
"I don't know, who would?" Sammy snaps, a tear slowly slipping out against her will. Her sister had a hit nerve and in her already emotional state, she couldn't help reacting. The suppressed emotions burst. "Is that why nobody wants to date me? Is no one ever going to date me because I'm hairy? Is that it? Huh?!"
For once, Shelby didn't have an answer, and seemed to understand that she had really hurt her sister with her words.
"Sammy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you look," her mother says.
"Shelby's wrong," Miriam says, glaring at the six year old.
"If a guy dislikes you for armpit hair, he's the dickle, not you," Holly snarls.
The tears start to fall faster, and Sammy decides she's had enough. "Why? Why has everyone else left me? And why is Kenji the only guy who's stuck around? Why am I so undesirable? I know you guys were hesitant at first because he wasn't Christian, but no one… no one else has wanted me…"
The suppressed emotions begin to come out. "I just… Thursday, I… Kenji and I kissed… And… it was because I felt that I had to. He never told me that I had to and he never pressured me to, but… What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm the reason the other guys left? What if I'm not pretty enough or nice enough or whatever?! I… I realized I was kissing him because I thought I had to… I thought I had to to keep him with me…"
Her family is shocked. "Why do you think he would leave you?" Miriam asks.
"It's not like he's been flirting with other girls, has he?" Holly asks accusatively.
"No, he hasn't," Sammy shakes her head. "He's been nothing but loyal and I wish I didn't feel this way… I get jealous over the stupidest things! Like his tutor… Sometimes I get jealous of Yaz, even though it's completely stupid! I know they're like siblings to each other." Despite herself, she chuckles, hearing how silly her fears sounded. "I've gotten jealous of Miriam when he texts you."
Her older sister lets out a genuine gag. "Why would you get jealous of me?!" she exclaims.
"I don't know!" Sammy cries, half sobbing, half laughing. "You guys have been texting a lot and neither one of ya will tell me why and it keeps making me think y'all are doing something behind my back and I don't know!"
Miriam starts laughing. "Ugh, Sam, he's been pestering me about ideas for your birthday! That's why we haven't told ya what we're saying."
Sammy's already lackluster face falls. "Oh…"
"Sammy, you don't have to be jealous," her mother says. "You're beautiful and smart and kind. Comparing yourself and competing with others doesn't do ya any good."
"I know," Sammy sniffs. "It's just so hard, though… I know Kenji said he fell in love with me because I was so kind and positive, and… That's where I get scared with Miriam sometimes. You're so kind and positive and you always flow between groups. You're just… just… You're just so good at making friends!"
While on the subject, she finally lets out all the jealousy she had been festering. "And maybe I'm not jealous of Holly in the way that I'm worried she'd steal Kenji—" A goose-like snort erupts from her oldest sister. "—but you're so stubborn. You're so stubborn and strong-willed and confident. You know what you want and you're not afraid. And you're so pretty… You're just an awesome big sister and I wish I could be that way!
"And Sandra's so nice and positive but in a calm, sensitive way," she adds. "You don't burst in all loud and talkative like me. You're calm and level headed and smart. And Shelby's so honest, she'd never go and lie like I did on Isla Nublar. I…"
Miriam gaps. "Good at making friends? Cause I compromise and bend! I'm good at flowing between groups because I pretend to act like them! I'm a people pleaser! I don't know who I am because I can change it depending on my company! Maybe you struggle to make friends, but at least you know who you are and aren't going to change just to make friends! That's what I envy about you and Holly! Yer both strong in who you are and uncompromising!"
Sammy laughs at that statement while Holly sputters. "Yeah, that's useful sometimes and a big problem other times. Where do you think most of my problems stem from? Cause I'm stubborn and unwilling to change! Being able to change a bit is good! And why do you act like you don't have any good friends, Sam? People come to you to open up! People come to me if they want protection or someone to defend them, sure, but it's not like I'm the go-to for secret telling. You're everyone's confidente because everyone likes you and trusts you!"
"I wish I was more outgoing like Sammy and Holly," Sandra admits. "I wish I could be more talkative and not worry that people will judge what I say. I sound thoughtful cause I think too much! And I wish I had straight hair like Sammy and Holly. It just looks so pretty on you guys."
"I want boobies!" Shelby says, making her family laugh. "I want curly hair like Sandra and Miriam and Holly! I wanna be skinny like Sandra and Rio and Holly! I wish my eyes looked like Rio's! I wish I could play the violin like Rio or have the bestest friends like Sammy and Sandra! And I wish I could get married like Holly!"
"Well, some of those will come in time," Holly laughs.
"Sure, everyone else gets personality traits and something good about them while I get pretty eyes and violin," Rio snaps. "If I wish I could have anything you guys have, it'd be confidence! Even being quiet like Sandra or people pleasing like Miriam would be better than social anxiety! Nobody envies me!"
Her sisters chime in quickly. "Your spirituality," Sandra says first.
"Yeah, you've got really strong faith!" Holly says.
"I wish I was an intercessor like you," Miriam says. "Praying for people in other countries that you've never even met."
"Yee, I wish my faith was as strong as yours," Sammy says.
Rio scoffs. "Psht, I was jealous of how positive and faithful you were, Sam!"
"Were!" Sammy exclaimed. "I feel like I've lost that part of me!"
"Just have faith," Shelby says.
"It's not that simple, Shelbs!" Sammy snaps. "And I hate it when you say it like that because it feels like you're saying 'It's so easy! Why don't you have faith? What's wrong with you? You're a bad Christian!'"
"Exactly!" Rio exclaims. "Like 'Just stop being anxious.' It isn't that simple! When you've dealt with something for so long that it becomes normal, you can't just snap out of it! You can't even picture what normal is like anymore!"
"It can be so hard sometimes when you're struggling and then everything you hear seems to tell you you're a bad Christian," Miriam agrees.
"Yeah, or if you do something wrong and then wonder if you'll ever be able to make up for your mistake," Holly adds.
Sammy chuckles. "Right. Almost made the same mistake you made…"
Their parents and Abuela blink in surprise. "Well, I… guess there's a lot we all needed to talk about," Mrs. Gutierrez chuckles.
"Sounds to me like y'all each have positives and negatives," Mr. Gutierrez states.
"And there's upsides and downsides to every aspect of you," Abuela says. "What's sometimes a strength can also become a weakness."
"Y'all are sisters for the rest of your life," their mother says. "It can be hard, but you don't need to waste your time being jealous of each other and comparing yourselves to your sisters. Or to anyone else. Admire each other's qualities and admire your own. You each have things you're working on and things you excel at. Build each other up. Don't tear each other down, and don't tear yourself down, either."
Letting out a collective sigh of relief and content, the girls return to dinner and lighthearted conversations. None of them knew how bad that conversation was brewing… None of them knew how envious the others could be! It was both shocking and relieving to them to find out that their sisters were in the same boat.
Feeling a weight lift off her shoulders, Sammy feels like she could smile again. She still had the difficult talk with Kenji to get through… But somehow, it wasn't as scary. Maybe because she had realized her biggest fear was never being loved… Of losing everyone she cared about and being alone…
Looking over the dinner table, it warmed her heart to realize she would never be alone… Between her friends, her family, and God, she'd never be alone…
She'd leave the fate of her relationships to be determined tomorrow. Now was the time to spend with her family.
"Does it hurt?" Habeeba asks, walking very slowly.
"No… not really," Yasmina says, taking it easy on her prosthetic. Not being able to bend her foot was strange. There were many things about this that were strange and new to her. The pressure and suction of the prosthetic was still new. Putting weight on her leg was a bit difficult and foreign to her now. She had to make a conscious effort to walk with her weight evenly distributed. She had one crutch in her right hand, and Habeeba on her left side to hold her if needed.
Her step-father and brothers were up ahead with their husky. The family was taking a walk around the neighborhood to exercise the dog and bond as a family. Yasmina's walking limit had been extended to forty-five minutes, so she tagged along. Her mother and sister trailed behind with her, letting her walk at her own pace so she didn't exert herself.
"Do you think you need a rest?" Mrs. Fadoula asks, worriedly.
"No, no, I'm fine…" Yasmina mumbles. One foot in front of the other… that's what she kept telling herself. Her main focus was walking correctly… Apparently she would put more weight on her right leg than her left. Dr. Scalapino said it was normal to feel uncomfortable putting weight on her amputation. Still, she couldn't walk like that. It was detrimental to fall into that walking pattern.
As she's focused on her steps, Habeeba's hand slips into hers. Yasmina takes a moment to glance at her sister. The ten year old smiles. "You're doing much better walking. Dr. Scalapino said you're progressing faster than most people do."
Yasmina looks at the ground and nods. Tentatively, she braces her arm on her sister's shoulders and allows Habeeba to help support her as she walks. It felt foreign to her and it took the athlete a second to place the feeling. It was strange to her to rely on her younger sister for help… Yasmina had always been the strong, older sister for Habeeba. She kept it together and stayed tough. She kept up that strong exterior for her younger siblings…
Breaking down those walls and allowing her younger siblings to help her felt strangely vulnerable… It felt wrong. It felt like it was against her nature.
"Pretty soon you'll be running in the Olympics!" Habeeba exclaims, interrupting the athlete's thoughts. "You'll be breaking records and become the fastest human on Earth!"
"I'm not Usain Bolt," Yasmina says quietly.
"You'll be the fastest woman ever," Habeeba says.
"I'm not Flo-Jo," Yasmina murmurs.
"You'll be the fastest amputee," Habeeba continues, trying to encourage her sister.
Yasmina didn't have any comeback initially. "I'm not strong enough…"
There it is. Giving in and accepting help meant she was weak… Yasmina had never been weak to her siblings. She was the protector… How could she break down and accept help from those she silently vowed to protect?
The thought was depressing for her. How could she fully recover from this… She felt like her entire identity was shattered on the island… Everything came crashing down. Her stoic walls broke. Her stubborn will was crushed. Her strength was stripped away… her abilities that made her Yasmina were gone… She was physically, mentally, and emotionally destroyed… How could she recover from any of this?
"Yazzy, do you know why you're one of my heroes?" Habeeba asks sincerely. "Because you can do anything. Nothing stops you. Not even reality. You just find a way around reality. It's like you find a loophole in the natural laws."
Yasmina lets out a small chuckle.
"It's like even if pain and reality tell you you can't do something, you still find a way to do it," Habeeba continues. "And that's why I want to be like you. You're like a superhero. You're so strong in so many ways. This is only a minor setback. It's nothing compared to your will."
What initially seems like hope sparks inside her. Habeeba looked up to her… believed in her… Saw her as a superhero… Because of her strength…
No, because of her will… It was because of her mental strength. Yasmina had fallen down before. She had been broken physically… The reason Habeeba looked up to her was because she didn't let that stop her. She wasn't always physically strong… But she kept it together mentally and emotionally.
Depression starts to set in, feeling like a pit of heaviness in her stomach and seeping through to the rest of her body. Her mental will… Her willpower was what made her Yasmina… But that was stripped away, too… She had lost herself on the island… She had lost the Yasmina Habeeba was proud of… How could her sister look up to her again? How could she be her role model? How could she be her big older sister… How could she be worth anything if she wasn't the strong, older sister the younger ones looked up to?
"I'm not… strong…" Yasmina murmurs, feeling hopeless.
"Not right now," her sister agrees. "But you always come back. You always rise up stronger. You can do anything you put your mind to. Once you decide to do something, reality can't even stop you. You're so strong and stubborn… I wish I could be like you."
A small smile forms on the amputee's face. It was still depressing… But she was starting to regain a bit of hope… Habeeba said it was her will… Reality couldn't even stop her…
Habeeba was right. It had always been her willpower. That was what pushed her along, not just her physical strength. Her strong will and stubbornness was what kept her going through everything… But she felt so helpless…
"I've had my down moments," she reminds herself. "Like Habeeba said, it's all in my head. It's a mind battle… My willpower can override my physical realities and find ways around them. I'm not strong right now, but with willpower, I can do this."
Her spirits lifted a bit, a real smile forms. Still trying not to favor her right leg, Yasmina stands up a bit straighter, hope renewed. Habeeba grins like a kid on Christmas; she could see the mental change in her sister.
Pressure to be everything she used to be sets in, but Yasmina excuses it as motivation.
After a few more minutes, Jabari hangs back, slouching and being grumpy. "Mommmm, I'm starving."
The phrase really got on Yasmina's nerves. "Starving? Starving? You don't know the meaning of starving!"
"Yes, I do," he grumps.
"Try being on Isla Nublar for two months and see what the meaning of starving is!" Yasmina hisses.
"I'm starving," he insists annoyingly.
The two argue and bicker over the meaning of the word and whether he could use it or not before their mother steps in. Habeeba runs ahead to help with the husky and Jabari takes over her shift. Mrs. Fadoula hands him a protein bar for his "starving" stomach, much to Yasmina's chagrin. She grits her teeth as he chews; that sadly familiar feeling comes back. The need to lash out and yell at him, or shove him away—to do something—flares up.
The crackling and snapping of the bar as his teeth crunch in… The disgusting sound of his teeth crushing the bar… His heavy jaws grinding together… And her ears just slightly detected the slimy, moist sound of saliva and grinded food mixing and mashing.
It was absolutely revolting to her on so many levels. Yasmina starts to favor her right leg more, unable to focus on anything else. Her senses were hyper focused on her brother, and no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, her mind just wouldn't work with her. It was like she could feel every bite of his in her body… The sound filled her mind and body, making her shiver and grimace and curl into herself. Instinctively, she tries to turn away and shield her ears from this onslaught of grating noises. It was like nails on a chalkboard, vibrating around in her head painfully.
Anger immediately flares up. How on Earth could anyone possibly make those noises and live with themselves! It was causing her stress and anxiety; she could not handle the sounds!
"How stupid is this?!" she rants in her head. "It's literally just chewing! He's not attacking you! You should be fine! This is completely silly!"
Her anxiety levels and anger begged to differ.
Stuck with Jabari on her left side and cane in her right hand, she felt trapped. There wasn't really anything she could do to cover her ears and block out the sound. She felt trapped and caged which only adds to her sense of anxiety.
"It's fine! It's normal! Just be normal!" she cries out to herself desperately.
"Like Habeeba said, it's all in my head. It's a mind battle… My willpower can override my physical realities and find ways around them," her past thoughts return.
"You're overreacting," she tells herself. "This is normal. Everyone else can deal with it just fine. You're overreacting. It's fine. You're strong enough. Just tune it out! I can do it! I can do anything I put my mind to! It's all a mental game! Just stop being bothered!"
Crunch…
"You're okay, you're okay! It's fine! You're fine!"
Smack… snap… crunch…
"You're okay… You're okay! It's fine! I'm not bothered… I'm not bothered! I'm fine! Everything is okay!"
To her dismay, it only gets worse. Tears brim and spill out the more he chews and the more she tries to ignore it. "You're okay" and "It's fine" only seem to make her tears slip out faster.
She stares at the sidewalk, trying to conceal her crying. Oh, how much worse she had just made it…
"Yasmina, what's wrong?" her mother asks, noticing her crying. "Are you hurt? Do you need to rest? Is something bothering your leg?"
Sheer embarrassment and anxiety make Yasmina shake her head. She couldn't open up about this… Her parents and siblings knew what she dealt with. They had known for a year or two what she had. But still, she couldn't open up. Memories of years past before they knew what she had return. Memories of her siblings getting so frustrated with her petty, unwarranted irritability… Of her mother going off on a lecture about how she needs to tune it out… 'It's not their problem. Your Father's chewing is obnoxious but I tune it out! You can't be so irritated over this!'
Yes, now they accepted that she had a disorder… But the damage was done… All opening up had ever done for her was get her in more trouble… It got lectures and frustration and after a while she learned to shut down! There was nothing else she could do but suffer in silence! Better to silently smolder than bring it up and get eyes rolled and another lecture! Even if her family knew this… Would she still get lectured? Would she still be a nuisance?
"Yasmina, what's going on?" her mother asks, coming by her side.
Irritability rises. Irritation at her brother. Irritation at her mother for not letting it go… Irritation at herself… The fear that she'd just be another bother and earn another lecture.
Out of complete frustration and helplessness, she slaps Jabari on the back of the head, almost completely unaware of her actions until after the fact.
"Hey!" Jabari protests, shoving her back out of reflex.
Yasmina is knocked off balance and stumbles to regain her equilibrium.
"Knock it off!" Mrs. Fadoula snaps, catching her daughter and righting her. The others ahead hear the commotion and come back.
"What is going on?" her mother demands, helping Yasmina sit down on the ground.
Ghaleb holds back the puppy as the parents and siblings try to figure out what's going on. Meanwhile, Yasmina pulls her legs up to her chest and buries her head in her knees, trying to hide her tears as her sobs intensify.
Overwhelming feelings hit her. A sense of hopelessness and powerlessness… Anger towards Jabari and her family… Anger towards herself… guilt and self-hatred… The feeling that she always ruined everything…
She felt stuck between being the victim and the villain… Stuck between feeling like her family wasn't supportive enough and feeling like a terrible person for bringing it up at all… Why did she have to ruin everything… Why was it always her…
"Pull it together, Yasmina!" she shouts to herself. She tries to reign in her emotions, suppress everything and spare her dignity. Out of habit, she runs through some of her characters and their backstories, trying to disassociate from the problem… Trying to suppress her feelings and go emotionally cold.
It works… somewhat.
"Yasmina, what's going on?" her mother crouches down next to her.
"Just leave me alone…" the amputee mutters, trying to pull it back together. "I don't want to talk about it…"
Her family tries in vain a few more times to get her to talk before giving up. The boys continue on with the walk while Mrs. Fadoula and Habeeba help Yasmina walk home. The amputee is silent the entire way, trying to keep everything together.
They arrive home and Mrs. Fadoula stands by to make sure Yasmina is okay as she removes her prosthetic leg. This only makes the amputee feel worse…
Accepting that her daughter was fine, her mother gives her privacy, shooing away Habeeba and closing Yasmina's bedroom door.
The feelings come back, refusing to be completely suppressed. Yasmina sits on the edge of her bed, hands in her lap as she sobs. "Why am I always the villain? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal?!"
She wishes her family would just understand! She wasn't doing this because it was fun! If she could stop this, she would! Why couldn't they stop rolling their eyes and telling her 'It's just chewing!' She knew that! It didn't stop how she felt…
"Just tune it out," their voices collectively say in her head.
"'Just tune it out' sounds so condescending!" she rants in her head. "You make it sound so easy when it's not! You've never dealt with it! You don't know what it's like! Stop telling me how to deal with it when you haven't! You haven't dealt with it! You don't know! You don't know what it's like!"
Tears drip onto her knees and run down her calves…
"You don't know what it's like…" she sobs. "You don't know what it's like to have this… You don't know what it's like to struggle with this! It isn't simply hating the noise… It's so much more than that! It's the uncontrollable anger that rises when you hear the sounds! It's the guilt and hatred for yourself because it's not normal! I love you guys…"
The thought makes her cry even harder.
"I hate myself for this… I hate that I hate you guys but I can't stop it… It's like the anger is forced out of me… I love you guys and I hate myself for this… I wish I could just tune it out! I wish I could stop being the bad guy! I feel like the bad guy… I hate that this separates me from you guys! I wish I could just tune it out! I wish I could just be fine…"
Tissues… She needed tissues…
"I'm not okay," she repeats to herself. "I am not okay… I'm not okay… I'm not fine at all! I can't do anything about this! I'm not okay! I am not okay… This is taking over my life! It's only getting worse! It's just getting worse! There's nothing I can do! I'm not okay… I can't deal with this. I'm not okay… I'm the villain and the victim… I am not okay…"
Hopelessness settles in. There was nothing she could do… Through endless, desperate research, she realized there was no cure… Only ways to cope. She'd never be able to escape this… It would only get worse… Every year, it got worse… There were so many sounds that triggered her now… It spread to everyone… She was hating people she didn't even know for making sounds… She was separated from her family… Separated from her friends… No matter what she did, there was a barrier between her and everyone else! The sounds, her coping mechanisms. There was nothing she could do! She was trapped! Caged in this endless cycle of anger and anxiety and loneliness!
"I want to bond… I want to be close to you guys…" she sobs. "But I can't… handle… the sounds… I don't want to be completely isolated but this on top of everything else makes me! I don't want to be alone! I don't want to be angry at you guys… Please… I'm not okay… I hate myself for this… I am not okay… Stop making me feel like the bad guy… I'm just trying to live… I'm just trying to cope… I'm not okay…"
Curling up on her bed with her box of tissues, she slowly cries herself numb. "I'm not okay…"
"Talk about it."
Ben sighs silently in the back of his father's car, rubbing his eyes. It had been three days since Darius and Milton fought and Darius apologized, but Ben felt compelled to talk about it again… He felt the need to check on his friend and see how he was doing. But what if Darius snapped again… Ben was already feeling a bit achy, like he was coming down with a cold or something and didn't want any conflict.
Deciding for now that he wouldn't say anything, Ben steps up to Darius's house. Brooklynn and Yasmina were spending the day with family, and Kenji was working on the ranch with Sammy and her family. That left Ben and Darius to hang out.
An energetic, overjoyed Darius meets him at the door. Ben is reminded that Darius is only twelve by his behavior; it brought a smile to his face. "Ben! Hahaha!" Darius cackles evilly, wrapping his arms under his friends ribs and awkwardly carrying his friend in the house. "Thank you for letting me kidnap your son, Mr. Christian!"
Mrs. Bowman and Mr. Pincus laugh. "As long as I get him back, right?" Ben's father shakes his head.
"Heuheuheu, NEVER!" Darius exclaims.
"You're in quite the mood," Ben laughs, thankful that Darius had set him down.
"Dr. Grant released a new fossil book!" Darius explains, that child-like excitement he had at the beginning of the Camp brimming over.
Ben can't help but smile and laugh. Darius's energy was contagious and it was admirable how overjoyed he could still be over dinosaurs after all he had been through.
"Brand got me it today!" Darius said, taking a flying leap onto the couch as Ben's father leaves. "Well, technically he bought it a couple days ago but it finally shipped!"
Ben nods, calmly walking over to the couch and sitting down tiredly. His whole body felt heavy…
As he wonders if he shouldn't have come over in his condition, Darius notices his behavior. "You okay?" he asks.
"I'm fine," Ben insists. "Just have a sore throat and a bit achy… Maybe I should go home."
Mrs. Bowman bites her lip. "Do you think it's a cold?"
"I don't know," Ben sighs. "I mean, the achiness might be from trying to walk two dogs at once and getting pulled in two different directions. And I'll get congested if I eat gluten… which I had a couple days ago. So it might not be a virus?"
She frowns. "Mmmm… Just stay out of each other's faces."
Brandon spits out his water and starts choking as he laughs. "What?" he snorts. "I only paid attention to half of that conversation."
Darius's energetic, happy demeanor falls, replaced with worry. "Do you feel sick?"
"Just sore," he says. "I walked Flopsy and Roxie together and they were pulling me in opposite directions. Big arm workout."
"Your throat hurts? Think it's a cold?" Darius rambles.
"I told you guys, I think I'm fine," Ben sighs. "Maybe it's a small cold but don't worry about me. What's this book about?"
Giving Ben the worried side-eye, Darius reluctantly starts explaining the book. He tries to focus more on the ankylosaurus parts in an effort to make Ben feel better. Five minutes in and it was clear all he could think about was his ill friend.
Ben sighs. "I'm fine, Darius. You don't have to worry about me."
Darius bites his lip. "You're sure it's nothing? What if you have a fever?"
"Then I have a fever," Ben shrugs. "I'm not immune compromised and I've survived worse. If it's a fever, I'll go home and rest for a couple days."
"You don't have an infection, right?" He interrogates. "Not like…"
"I haven't been bitten by a compy like Brooklynn was," he assures his friend. "I get it, the sound of vomit reminds of that time .. I never used to fear throwing up until—"
"Until we almost lost her…" Darius murmurs.
"It's okay, I'm not going to die," Ben says. "And Brooklynn didn't die. You don't have to be anxious."
Darius sighs. "I know…"
… Yeah, Ben was definitely going to bring it up now.
"You… People generally live for decades," Ben reminds him. "The life expectancy is seventy to eighty years. We've survived Isla Nublar… I think you might be overthinking this."
"I'm just… terrified of losing you guys," Darius mumbles. "If I could do anything…"
"What could you do against viruses?" Ben asks. "Even on the remote possibility that whatever this is is deadly, what could you have done?"
Darius closes his eyes and leans back against the couch. "I just can't… not blame myself for things that happen to you guys… It was my job on the island to be the leader and make good decisions to keep us all alive. I… I can't not worry and try to keep you guys alive, even though there's no dinosaurs."
"You can't… always save us," Ben reminds him as gently as possible. "You're not in control of all the circumstances… Some things are unavoidable… Sometimes other people make their own decisions even if it's bad for them… Sometimes things just happen. I get it, Darius. I lived for years with constant anxiety that something bad would happen to me. It was literal chains and bindings. It controls your life. I've… I've come to accept that life happens. You can't avoid suffering and pain and death. Suffering and pain are just natural and death will come eventually."
"What if death comes too soon?" Darius asks. "What if we make the wrong decision and death comes earlier?"
"Then you're dead, or you move on if someone else is dead," Ben says. "You can't change the past… If it truly was your fault, you can be apologetic and wish you did something different… But you can't change the past. Like I've told Yaz, continuously telling yourself what you should've done and not letting go of the guilt won't help you. You're just hurting yourself. We don't have as much power over our lives as we would like to. We don't have as much power over other people's lives as we would like to."
"So… just… give up and accept that life is chaos and that nothing is certain or controllable?" Darius asks.
"No, you're a Christian, right?" Ben asks. His friend nods. "Trust in him. He created the universe… Created you… Created me. Created all of us. 'And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.' You can't trust in your own plans. I mean, that would be like… trying to figure the way out of a maze, but rejecting the help of the person with the map. God's promised great plans for you, but he didn't say there wouldn't be suffering. And you have to be leaning on him and working with him. You can't ignore him and rely on your own strength."
"Aren't I strengthened by God, though?" Darius asks. "'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me?'"
"Are you all-powerful?" Ben asks. "Can you stop a car from crashing into you? Can you stop a building from collapsing? Maybe you could swerve at the last minute, or get everyone out of the building beforehand, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Very rarely—if at all—does God strengthen you with unnatural abilities."
"Fair enough…" Darius mutters.
"You can protect everyone as much as you want, but you can't prevent everything," he says, curling up on the couch. "Natural disasters. Accidents. Other people's decisions. You can't prevent storms or tsunamis or tornados and whatnot. Sometimes you can't prevent getting into accidents. And sometimes other people will choose to do other things. If someone pulled in front of you at the last second and you crashed, it's not really your fault, is it? It's the person who pulled out."
Darius nods.
"If you got sick because the food at a restaurant wasn't cooked properly, that's not really your fault. If someone came up behind you and brutally assaulted you, would that be your fault? There might have been possible precautions to take so that you didn't get into these situations in the first place, but it's never your fault."
"Yeah…"
"You can make your own decisions and do what you want… And so can other people," Ben tells him. "You could tell him not to, give him every reason why it was stupid and even try to physically stop him… But if Kenji was dead set on running in front of a car there's not much you can do to stop him."
Darius laughs at the thought.
"You could stop him once," Ben chuckles. "Maybe tell other people what he's trying to do… But if he's stubbornly trying to get hit by a car, I don't think you could stop him. He'd succeed eventually. It's not like God wants him to get hit. It's not like you didn't try to stop him. He's got free will. Everyone does. You can't always protect people, especially if they aren't listening."
"Okay, but Kenji would totally do that," Darius shakes his head, sighing.
"Maybe… Maybe God feels the same way?" Ben continues on. "Maybe it's a bit frustrating to try to guide someone through life, have everything planned out so they can live a good life, then watch them refuse to listen and follow his plan. And on top of that, hear them complain that he doesn't care about them?"
"Hmmm… That's a… a thought," Darius murmurs.
"Maybe… maybe instead of trying not to be anxious, you try to surrender this problem to God?" Ben suggests. "That doesn't mean you don't do anything if your friends or yourself were in danger… But don't be worried about the future. Have child-like faith. Little kids don't have control over much in their lives, but they have no problem with trusting the adults and their parents."
"It's easier because they're helpless and carefree," he grumbles.
"And you're not helpless in the grand scheme of things?" he prompts. "Truly, what do you have control over in this life? Your decisions? Yeah, mostly. But even then, they're still controlled by circumstances. It's… It can be scary because we don't have power over what happens to us. Maybe to a certain extent, yes. We can pick between options. But still… Those options were given to us and limited by circumstances… It's not like we have infinite amount of options and can do whatever we want. We have physical limits, worldly limits, consequences… Man likes to think he's so powerful, but is he really?"
"I think we just learned how to shape the world and invent stuff so that we can have better control over the circumstances affecting us," Darius says.
"And even then, we're still powerless, really," Ben murmurs. "We don't know the future. We're not immortal. We can only be in one place at a time… What can we really do?"
"Trust in God… Mr. Gutierrez talked to me about the same thing," he states.
"Yeah, what else can you do?" Ben shrugs. "You either become hopeless and despondent because you can't control life… Or you trust in your Heavenly Father and believe that he wants the best for you and your friends. And then you do what he's asked you to do… Cause how can his plan work if you don't follow it?"
"It's like trying to protect Yaz when she refuses to listen to you and stubbornly puts herself in harms way," Darius sputters.
"Exactly! So… don't be Yaz," Ben says, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. The two laugh. "You know what I mean," he chuckles.
Hopeful and encouraged by his friend's reaction, despite his achy body, Ben curls up on the couch as Darius continues to go through the book. His anxiety wasn't completely better… But it was better.
About an hour later, Ben's throat was worse and he still felt really achy. Plus, he had gotten congested. "Your hands are super cold!" he exclaims as Darius touched his arm.
"Okay, let's take your temperature," Mrs. Bowman decides, bringing the thermometer. It was 100 degrees. "Yeah, you should probably head home and get some rest," she says. "It's not too high, but you need to recuperate."
Ben heads home with his mother and stays in bed the rest of the day. He was a bit worried about how Darius was fairing, but to his credit, he only texted him once.
After dinner, a text that gave him a bit of anxiety pops up. "Hey, can I call you?" Yasmina says vaguely.
The fact that he had no idea what it could be was what made him nervous. Instead of letting her dial, he called her first. "Yaz, everything okay?"
Silence… Then a sigh. "Honestly… not really…" her voice breaks at the end.
"What's going on?" Ben asks, rolling over in bed.
"It… I feel so stupid about it sometimes, especially since it feels like the biggest problem in my life right now and I know it's not…" she sniffs.
"You don't have to feel stupid about anything," Ben says. "I'm not going to judge you. It's obviously something deeply bothering you, so it isn't stupid."
"And it should be, Ben, it should be stupid…" she cries. She explains what happened during the walk and the emotional breakdown she had because of this. "There's just… I hate this so much. There's so much to it… I hate the sounds. I hate the condition. I hate the anxiety. I hate the people making the noise. And then I hate myself for hating people. And I hate the fact that it's never going to go away. And I hate that it's taking over my life!"
She takes a moment to breathe. "I'm not okay… This isn't getting better. It's only getting worse. The sounds are getting more annoying, the reactions stronger, the list longer and I don't know what to do! And everything I've read said there's no cure! All I can do is cope and I can hardly do that! I… It's isolating. I can't stand these sounds so I lock myself up… On top of all the other issues that make me shut down. If… If I was to heal from everything else, would I still be isolated because of miso? I just want it to end and it's never going to…"
Ben listens as she rants.
"And… I've been through physical, mental and sexual trauma over the years. I've been on Isla Nublar for two months. I've lost my leg… And sometimes I hate that THIS is what causes so many problems! I'm dealing with everything else and then this just has to jump on the pile! I… I just don't understand why this is what makes me break down so easily…"
"Maybe… Maybe because, like you said, it makes you hateful towards your loved ones…" Ben suggests. "The ones you would risk your life for. The ones you would die for in a heartbeat. So then to feel hate towards them for something seemingly so harmless hits you harder than some of the other stuff you're going through?"
Bitter chuckles come through the other end. "I feel like the villain and the victim at the same time… And I hate being both. So to be them together… I just feel trapped, you know?"
"Like… You can't help yourself without hurting your family, but if you try to be nice to them, you're the victim?" Ben tries to empathize and put into words how she was feeling.
"Yeah," she says, her pitch rising and that shakiness returning to her voice. "It's… Jabari can be so frustrating with this. I'll be covering my ears with my hands at the table because of the noise and then he'll do the same and make this stupid face! He'll pretend like he's bothered and sigh and exaggerate everything and it hurts because I'm just trying to survive! I'm not doing this because I'm merely pissed off! I've tried so hard to explain it to him but he just doesn't get it! It's not just an annoyance! He could look it up! These sounds trigger a fight or flight response! It'd be like him making fun of me having a panic attack over dinosaurs! I can't help it! I'm not just short tempered! My brain reacts like I'm being attacked and I can't help it! So for him to make fun of me trying to deal… trying to survive, it…"
"Makes you feel like… you're overreacting," Ben murmurs.
"Yeah, or that I'm just such a nuisance," Yasmina cries. "The way he acts makes it feel like I'm so picky and short tempered and inconvenienced by him and I hate that! And Habeeba isn't any better… I know, I know, it's hard to imagine innocent little Habeeba being mad or annoyed at anything… But… I guess I've condition… conditioned her from a young age… Before it became a big problem and before we knew what it was, I thought she just had bad manners… So I picked on her and hassled her into chewing with her mouth closed… Course, that was back when it was only open mouth chewing that bothered me…"
"Yeah," Ben mumbles, not contributing much but letting her know he was still listening.
"And I'd glare at her and judge her… And it didn't… didn't help her…" she sniffs. "She's really sweet and happy, but… She gets flustered easily if anyone—especially me—even looks at her… She doesn't like to be judged… Doesn't like to be looked at… And… And I wonder if that's… partly… because of me… Because I judged her so much for something that wasn't her fault… I'm sorry, Habeeba… I never meant to do that to her… I was little, too… I was just trying to survive… I didn't mean to give her a complex… I didn't mean to judge her… I'm her big sister and she looks up to me… And to think that… maybe I… I made it hard for her to not feel judged… I just feel like a terrible older sister…"
"You didn't mean anything bad with it, you were just trying to cope," Ben says.
"Still… I feel bad for what I did to her… But I still hate the way she acts about this sometimes… She hates when I glare at her for making sounds… So I distance myself from the family… Sit somewhere else. Wear headphones. Cover my ears. But then she's frustrated that I'm separated. Gets annoyed and picky because I'm not sitting with the family. Gets frustrated when I can't hear her… It's just… What does she want me to do?! I'm just trying to cope! I don't know what else to do! What else does she want me to do…"
"I think she misses you," Ben murmurs. "You're blocked off and she misses you."
"I miss her, too… I miss me…" Yasmina sighs. "If I even know the real me… Misophonia is just one of the things that seems to change who I am… What do I do, Ben? I'm not okay… My life is being controlled by this! I hate not being in control of myself or my emotions… this feels like it's taking away both… And… Maybe what makes this feel worse than some of the other stuff I've dealt with is that there's hope for those… There's hope to heal from PTSD. There's hope for depression. There's hope for my trust issues… But this… It's like my leg… There's no curing it… only coping with it…"
She takes a moment to blow her nose. "It's… It can be so hard to have any hope that I can do what I used to do because of my leg… It's permanently gone… How can I fully recover? This… Miso feels the same. There's no cure… Doctor's say it will never go away… All I can do is try to cope… Like getting a prosthetic… How… How can I cope with this better?! The only way to cope is to shut out the noises and remove yourself and I hate that! I have a list, Ben! A list! A mental list wherever I go! I have one at school, at friends houses, anywhere that I'm frequently at! I have a list of people I know will chew obnoxiously or make certain sounds and anytime I see them, that list comes back! I have a list of people to be wary of purely because of the sounds they make, is that in any way normal?!"
"Yaz…" he says quietly.
"How do I fix this?" she asks desperately. "I've tried everything I can think of! I'm losing hope, Ben… It looks like it's not getting better! I feel forced to watch as things get worse… I'm forced to watch as I'm slowly more isolated and more bothered and more hateful and I'm sick of it! But I can't do anything about it! I'm not okay… What do I do?"
Ben chews on his lip, sighing. "I… I get it… It's really hard when there are things in your life that you can't control… Life in general is uncontrollable and chaotic… But to live with something hindering you… and causing so many more problems than just being annoyed, I… I don't know… Yaz, you feel like it's more insignificant than it is… At surface glance, it doesn't sound that bad, but it's become more than that for you… Isolating, dividing, painful… Yeah, it doesn't sound as bad as PTSD, and probably isn't as bad as PTSD and such… But that doesn't make it any less of a problem and it doesn't mean you should feel ashamed of dealing with it."
Yasmina clears her nose again.
"I… I don't know how much of a help this is, but if you're ever feeling overwhelmed or bothered, you can always ask me to stop," Ben says. "I can stop eating or making whatever sound if it helps you."
She sobs. "No… It does help… I'm not sure how many times I'll actually ask you, but thank you… Thank you for the offer… I… I'll still feel bad, even knowing that you say it's okay…"
"You don't have to," he assures her.
"I just… I don't want other people to change for me," she says. "I mean, I do, but then I feel bad, you know…"
"Yeah… but me and Sammy have both offered to stop eating around you to help you out," Ben says. "You don't have to feel bad about it."
"It's just never getting better… And I don't know how to fix it…" she sniffs. "I'm… I'm desperate right now… It's just so overwhelming… How… How do I fix it?"
Ben sighs… There was only one answer he could think of.
"There's… There's a lot in my life that looks like it's never getting better… Never going to be fixed… I can't fix it…" he murmurs. "And that's where I… I don't. I don't fix it. I can't… So I trust it to God… He said he wouldn't let us be tempted beyond what we can handle, so… If I can't deal with it, I give it to him. Let it be his problem to deal with."
Silence… "Give me a real solution…" Yasmina says dejectedly.
"I don't have any other answer, Yaz," Ben sighs, feeling like crying himself. "I've never dealt with this… Anything I'd suggest you've probably already done. I don't know of any physical solutions… So I go to God because there's nothing else I can do. That's… That's all I can suggest doing…"
"I know," she mumbles. "I know… I guess… I wasn't really unexpecting a good answer… There's not much either of us could do… But… Ben… I… I… I love you… Y-you've been a really good friend… An amazing… friend… Seriously. I can't thank you enough for what you've done."
A smile finally appears on his face. "No, thank you for your friendship, Yaz."
"Don't be cheesy, just accept it. You're the better friend," Yasmina jokes.
"Noooo, you're the amazing one," Ben insists. "You make my stomach feel like noodles."
A strange sound comes from the other end of the phone: part laugh, part groan and something else… like a dying walrus. "I… don't know how to respond to that!" she laughs. "No, you're the one who makes me feel like a noodle…"
Ben's too busy laughing to notice her trailing off out of embarrassment. "I guess we're both noodles, then. We'll be noodles together."
"Okay… goodnight pastanoo," she quips, chuckling as they say their goodbyes and hang up.
Their conversation lingers with Ben into the night… Her hopeless, desperate words haunting him, making him more miserable than he already was with his fever… "I'm not okay… I'm losing hope, Ben… My life is being controlled by this…"
After the bonding discussion with her siblings at the dinner table, Sammy's parents had a private talk. Sure, they weren't happy with what happened between her and Kenji… but they weren't mad, either. They were understanding and encouraging, thinking she was very mature to stop herself and realize what was really going on. Normally they would have suggested a break from spending one-on-one time with Kenji, but she had already decided upon it. Besides that, her parents let her off with a good talk with advice and comfort, which shocked her. She thought for sure she would get some sort of punishment for mwah mwahing with Kenji… Then again, she had pretty much vowed to do what they would normally do, so there wasn't anything left for them…
The idea of giving up Kenji and never being with him again was hard… But she was making peace with it for multiple reasons. Belief-wise, they couldn't be together. With her own insecurities, being together—or being with anyone at all—was causing more harm to her than good. And it was probably the same for him. They needed to grow by themselves before they could grow together… Besides, they had already told each other they weren't going to be codependent on each other… Back on the island when their friendship was new… It was time to get back to that promise. They had broken so many of the promises they had made… The promise to never be codependent… FUWAM… Friends until we are mature… Boy had that gone out the window…
Part of Sammy was worried about how Kenji would take their unofficial breakup. She worried it would destroy him… He had put so much effort into being accepted by her family… And he was still accepted by them… Right now, though, he was just family, not Sammy's future husband… Still, despite how much it would hurt him, he needed this breakup just as much as she did… He had been working overtime on the ranch, trying to make up for what they did… He was just as attached to her as she was to him… They both needed to be separated.
She just hoped he saw it the same way she did.
The next day after church, the Gutierrez's come home. Like clockwork, Kenji is over to help with the ranch work. About an hour into it, Mr. Gutierrez sends him back to the house. "Whoo, boy, you work hard," he says. "I mighty appreciate it, but I think my child labor might need a break inside the house."
"I don't need a break," Kenji insists, despite the fact that his head had started to ache.
"Git on into the house before ya get heat stroke," Mr. Gutierrez says. "You don't need to prove yerself to us."
Kenji has no idea what to make of that statement… Was he aware of why Kenji was working so hard? Could he feel the boy's guilt? Could he read his mind? Did Sammy tell him what happened?
Dejected, Kenji heads inside, sweating and panting. The first thing he sees is Sandra laying on top of Shelby, arm over her sister's mouth. "Oh, howdy, Kenj!" Sandra says casually, like it didn't look like she was attempting to choke her younger sister. Shelby was laughing through her makeshift flesh gag, so it couldn't be that bad…
"Hi?" Kenji lifts an eyebrow, a bit confused but passing them by.
He passes by Rio on the couch, who had taken to ignoring her sister's shenanigans. She gives him a small smile… Perhaps a sympathetic one? Why was she looking at him like that?
"Need a drink?" Mrs. Gutierrez asks.
"Uh, no… I'm good," he insists.
Mrs. Gutierrez lifts an eyebrow, and still hands him a cup of water. "Don't get dehydrated."
"It's fine, you don't need to worry about me," he says, still taking a drink to please her.
"You're family, so don't try to stop me from worrying," she waves him off.
Kenji isn't sure how to react to that… Was he reading too deeply into these statements? Was his guilt making him feel alienated? What was going on?
Holly was sitting at the barstools, doing her college homework or something. She was staring at him with an unreadable expression… As if she was trying to decide what to think of him…
Mr. Gutierrez's comment… Then Sandra holding down and gagging super honest Shelby… Rio's smile… Mrs. Gutierrez's words… and then Holly's stare…
They knew. At least… they knew something… If they truly knew what happened would they still be calling him family? Would Holly have let him live this long? Still, they knew something…
"Sam's up in her room," Mrs. Gutierrez states. "Maybe you should head up and talk to her." She gives him a reassuring smile and turns back to her task.
Kenji stares, dumbfounded for a second before heading towards the stairs. He stops at the base and holds onto the railing… He should talk to Sammy? Talk about… what happened? How much did they all know? Kenji knew Sammy was—mostly—honest with her family, but he expected a much different reaction… How had her parents not dug into him? How had Mr. Gutierrez and the uncles not used him for target practice? How was Holly letting him breathe?
… Why would they let him live? Better yet, why would they allow him up to her room… where she was presumably alone… How… how did they trust him that much after what they did?
And Sammy… He hadn't talked to her since they kissed… How was she feeling? Had he… Had he hurt her? How badly had he destroyed their relationship? … Had he, in a way, stolen something from her he shouldn't have… her innocence?
He climbs the stairs and slowly looks through her doorway. She was alone in the room, doing physical therapy on the ground. Miriam wasn't with her… Abuela wasn't with her… Her parents really trusted him with her alone? Was he overthinking this and they didn't actually know? No… Their actions were too suspicious for them not to know…
Kenji remembers his fiasco on the island trying to tell Sammy how he felt about her… How he feared that he would never be good enough and would inevitably hurt her… A sharp pang stabs his heart. Had he just done what he was afraid of? Could he never change? Had he just ruined his relationship with her? … Had he toyed with her heart?
"I don't want Sammy to fall for me… I don't want her to fall. How could I do that to her? I would rather lose our friendship if it meant better for her. If I'm going to be toxic and abuse her, I'd rather cut her out of my life and lose that precious friendship because I can't bear the thought of hurting her! I can't do that to her! I can't be selfish and take her love for granted! I can't do that to her…"
… Maybe he could do that to her… Maybe he just did…
"My biggest fear now is that I truly am a narcissist and that I'll hurt you guys. I'm scared that I'll take advantage and abuse and manipulate my only friends and family! I'm scared that I'll never be able to change!"
"And I haven't…" he thinks. "All the promises I made to her… And all it took was a little bit of interest in her body… a little bit of lust… That was all it took to give in and kiss her… She kissed back… What did I do to her? Sweet… innocent Sammy… Sammy who's first reaction to a kiss was to pull away and set boundaries… What have I done to her?"
Should he break away? Tell her he didn't want to date her anymore? Would that hurt her? … Could he actually bring himself to say that?
"Oh god… I can't even go through with what I said I'd do if I hurt her…" he realizes. It wasn't that he wanted to hurt her… And he wanted what was best for her… But pulling away… It… It hurt so much and he couldn't pinpoint exactly why… And it bothered him.
Sammy looks up and notices him in the doorway. "Hey," she says softly, a small smile appearing. She was so beautiful… so beautifully innocent and joyful…
Kenji remembers their kiss… How she had been so eager… What had he done to her…?
"Hi," he says, barely above a whisper. He doesn't move into the room until she beckons him in. Sitting down on the floor carefully, he stares at his hands.
There was a pregnant silence… Which finally gave birth to Sammy speaking to ease the pains. "Kenji… say somethin'."
"I…" he doesn't know where to start. "... What did we do?"
He glances at her, unsure how to communicate everything going through his head. He was so sorry for what happened…
She sighs. That small smile returns. "You've been a great friend, Kenji. An amazing friend. I'm really thankful to have you in my life."
"No…" he wants to croak out. "No… Don't say that now! Don't do this!"
He knew what was coming… It must have shown on his face because tears spring up in her eyes. "It's not… It's not that I don't love you…"
Kenji looks away, tears slipping out… This wasn't happening… This was really happening, wasn't it? "Don't say it," he whispers, pleading with her not to say what he knew was coming.
"I think we need to separate," she says, releasing a big sigh. "Just… Just stay friends. Not even think about dating or future plans together. We… We can still be friends… But romance is… it's just causing too many problems…"
It's not until his lungs are burning that he realized he was holding his breath… He was trying not to cry…
"I just… I'm… very insecure," Sammy explains, looking down at her legs. "I still have so many issues with my own body… I still feel… still feel the effects of being left, and… It's given me the need to prove myself… I… I feel like I have to prove myself and perform to keep you from leaving…"
It was as if her words physically spilled his tears…
"It's not your fault," she says quickly. "You didn't do this. I've been conditioned this way through my past relationships… Conditioned to feel like I can be thrown away at any minute. And we've gotten so close that I was… I was willing to do anything to keep you, even if I knew it was irrational."
"No…"
"I've been jealous of other girls…" she admits. "Any girl… I got jealous of Yaz, for goodness sake. I've been petty about it, and anxious and insecure… I was worried you'd leave me for just about any other girl who got close to you… And so I broke rules I said I wouldn't… Because I was so desperate to keep you… I felt the need to impress you… Physically… I felt like I had to do that with you to keep you here… Even though you never said or made me feel like that… I just… built that idea in my head… It's not you… You didn't make me feel this way… It's my past experiences and insecurities…"
Her words break his heart… Crush it into a million pieces…
"I'm not ready for a relationship like that," she admits. "I'm not even ready to be committed to a future one. I need to put romance out of my mind and just have friends for now… I've become too codependent on you… And I think it's the same for you. We… we promised to never become codependent on each other… for this very reason. It's… It's toxic and we're hurting each other and ourselves. We… We have to step apart."
Kenji takes a moment to swallow his tears. "... Yeah…" he nods. "I… I understand…" He did. He completely did. It hurt, but he understood… He knew it was coming. He remembered that conversation like it was yesterday. He remembered the day he truly began to open up to Sammy… and how he had promised he would be able to live without her… that he could be independent and not codependent…
Yeah, like that promise aged well.
Logically, he knew he had barely done anything—if anything, really—to make Sammy feel the way she did. Time after time again she had been discarded for someone else… Why wouldn't she have that fear, despite how much he had proved himself to her? She knew of his girlfriends and their relationship statuses… She herself had set the rule that they wouldn't go far in their relationship… But, she had also set that rule for the other guys… Why wouldn't she start to wonder if that's what made her undesirable? Why wouldn't she push herself to go further than usual out of desperation?
Logically, he knew it… Still… His guilt couldn't accept it. It had to be his fault… Sammy had been so strong in her convictions before she started dating him… He obviously had something to do with it…
"Be strong… This is hard enough on her already… Don't make her feel more guilty by crying…" he thinks.
"I'm sorry," Sammy apologizes quietly.
"No, no, I understand," he insists. "I… I was thinking we might need a break, too… I… I'm glad you didn't let us take it too far, though I wish I had the strength to be the one to stop… I don't want to… be in that situation… Cause I know we both would have regretted it later. And… just… there was a lot that could go wrong…"
"I'd have made her break her own personal rules and morals… I'd have stolen her innocence… Broken her trust… Broken her family's trust with me and probably with her… There's the possibility of pregnancy…"
"Does… does your family know?" he asks tentatively.
She nods. "I talked to Abuela first. Cleared my mind… Then told my family. They understand. Papà and Holly aren't gonna kill ya."
He forces himself to chuckle, then goes silent for a moment. "Do…"
"They still trust you," Sammy interrupts. "They still love you. I think they were all trying to make you aware of that, even though I told them that this was just between us and they should stay out of it…"
It was selfish… Wasn't it? To still want to be with her? Even after what they did? Still, Kenji had worked so hard… He had changed so much… He had gone through so many trials to be a part of her family… To be allowed to love her… He had worked so hard… And he still would leave her in the blink of an eye if he wasn't good enough… But was there still a chance?
"Are… Are we good?" he asks.
"We're good," Sammy nods. "We can move past this. Our friendship can withstand this."
A sharp pain flares up in his chest… Was he back in the friend zone? For good?
"No… Are… Do we have a chance together? When we're grown up and mature and things have healed? … Sam?"
She hesitates. "Erm…"
Kenji doesn't say a word… He couldn't…
"I can't promise… or deny… that we can fall in love again in the future when things are better," she stutters.
"I know, you… you can't predict or foretell the future," he says. "But… do you… want to? Do you think we have a-any chance?"
"Yes, I want to…" she states, then trails off. "... Our chances…"
"Aren't… so… good…" he finishes painfully. "I just… I have to know, Sam… W-what's the issue? Is it… is it me? Why aren't our chances good? What's… What's between us?"
"Can I change? Can I fix it? Or should I walk away like I said I'd do…"
Sammy squirms a bit at the question. "I think we both need romance out of our minds right now, and that means not promising anything… And even if that wasn't there, there was still some tension building and… right now, I think we have… some major… differences… that would cause issues in our relationship if we… we were married…"
Major differences? "What major differences?" he wonders hurtfully… Then it started coming back… Their fights… What some of them centered around… How even Ben got affected by this…
Sammy goes to speak and he stops her. "It's because I'm not a Christian, isn't it?"
She looked a bit surprised, then a bit relieved… Like he had broke the news himself.
A bit of anger rises up… He had changed so much… He was willing to change everything for her… But the one thing he couldn't change was keeping them apart… It just had to be their beliefs… Her religion…
"I thought it'd be fine," he says. "I wouldn't interrupt you. I wouldn't interfere with your religion. I'd leave it alone and support you in it, why can't I marry you?"
"Kenji, it's already causing problems between us now," she states. "We have very different outlooks on life and it can clash badly in a marriage, which is one reason why Christians shouldn't marry someone outside of the faith. Second, you're not… you're not going to be able to give me the same godly advice that I'd need, and likewise, my advice wouldn't be helpful to you. How would we raise our kids when we can't agree upon certain things? What about issues that arise that we have radically different approaches to because of our beliefs? In friendships it can cause some damage, but marriage works differently. We're supposed to be one, and how can we be one if we've got two very different belief systems?"
He slowly closes his mouth, seeing her reasoning but not fully agreeing with it…
"This is also an act of obedience to God…" she murmurs. "There's… there's many reasons, Kenji. I'm sorry. I don't really wanna do this… But I have to."
"Who's making you? God? Your family?" he asks, anger building up again.
"Myself," she says. "Ish… Look, my family accepted you in as my fiance-ish friend fully knowing who you were. My parents want us to take a break for the moment, but this break up is my decision. They didn't tell me to break up with you. They didn't tell me I couldn't marry you. And yeah, God has told me to break up, but he can't make me do anything… I have free will and have to obey him of my own will. It's not obedience if he's making me do it."
"Why would God make you push me away?" he asks. "Doesn't he want you to be happy? Why'd you agree to this if you knew I wasn't Christian?"
"I thought he had confirmed that we were perfect…" she murmurs. "Maybe he did, maybe he didn't… I don't know. What I do know is that he gives us blessings because he is a good Father and wants his children to be blessed and happy… But my happiness and security can't come from the blessings."
He squints at her, not understanding at all what she was talking about.
"If you gave me… uh… a horse," she stutters, trying to think of an analogy. "If you gave me a horse as a present to bless me. You'd give it to me because you want me to be happy, and I love horses. Plus they have many benefits…"
His look of confusion deepens.
"How would you feel if you gave me a present to make me happy and then I started caring more about the present than you?" Sammy asks. "... It would feel a bit insulting, right?"
"It…" he stutters, still not really following.
"He says he'll give you the desires of your heart," she murmurs. "I desire a husband… And he wants to bless me, but he also wants what's best for me… And sometimes what I desire isn't the best for me at the time…"
"Then why can't we fall in love later?" he asks hollowly.
"He said I can't—" she starts.
"Marry someone who's not Christan," he interrupts. "But why? If God truly gives you what you desire, why is he making you push me away?"
"Because sometimes what I desire isn't the best for me…"
"So, I'm not what's best for you?"
"... Apparently not…"
"Because I don't believe the same way you do?!"
She sets her mouth in a thin line, trying not to let her anger get in the way. "That's one reason. And I said why. Having two radically different belief systems in a marriage can cause a lot of trouble. Religion. Politics. Social justice issues. Radically differing opinions on those things can cause tension and fights between family and friends, why wouldn't they exasperate a marriage?"
"And you'd keep your beliefs rather than me?" he snaps.
"I wish I could keep both!" she sighs sharply.
"You could!" he growls. "You fell in love with me! Your family accepted me! Why is this all of the sudden a problem now!"
"Because I had become codependent on you and I couldn't bear the thought of losin' you!" she exclaims. "And it's gotten me in trouble!"
Kenji meant for words to come out, but all that came from him was a hurt sigh.
"And it's not just you, it's a whole lot of things," Sammy explains. "All I know is that I turned my focus and obedience away from God after we left the island and suddenly I have anxiety and hopelessness and debilitating insecurities! I have to turn back to him, but that means setting aside my own will and trusting that what he has planned is better than what I could ever hope for!"
"You have trauma!" he practically shouts. "You have PTSD! Why wouldn't you be anxious and stressed! It's normal!"
"Why wasn't I like this on the island?" she asks. "Why did I still have hope?"
"Because… that's you! You're hopeful! You're happy! You're caring!"
"Then what's happened to me now?"
"Trauma!"
"Why did this only appear after I changed focuses? Why didn't I have this problem on the island?"
Kenji throws his head back in frustration. "So religion is more important to you than your friends? Huh?! Would you abandon Brooklynn if God told you to?!"
Sammy blinks back tears. "I'm not abandoning you…"
"Well, you sure as f*** aren't sticking with me," he growls. "You're letting religion control you and take over your life! You're letting it make you push away the people you care about!"
"We can still be friends," she insists softly.
"But we can't ever be married!" he snaps. "Because I just can't change enough for you! I can't change what I believe! You guys would call BS on me! It has to be genuine and I just can't believe it!"
Kenji tries so hard to keep his voice from cracking, but fails. "I've changed everything that I possibly can… for you."
Silent tears roll down her face… Then Sammy leans forward. "So did I," she whispers. "... So did I… And look where we are."
He blinks rapidly, holding back his pain from being completely visible.
"You changed everything for me… I changed everything for you… And here we are," she murmurs. "We became codependent. We changed who we are for each other… And we're in trouble."
"And you'd rather change for your God?" he asks shakily.
"I've had suffering all my life but I was happier and had more joy and peace when I trusted in God," she says. "Not when I was conforming to keep you…"
"You'd rather worship him than be with me," he states, hollow.
"And you worship me," she says. "I'm your salvation. If you could just earn my love. If you could just prove yourself worthy of my affection, maybe you'd be worth something. If you could be a worthy husband for me, you'd finally be a good person… That's how you feel, isn't it?"
He suddenly felt cold… and numb… "And earning your God's love would be easier?" he snaps sadly. "No, I don't want anything to do with this."
Kenji quickly leaves her room, skirts around the kitchen and leaves the house. It's not until he gets in his car that the weight of everything finally hits… And he cried. Sobbed… It hurt so much…
He composes himself enough to safely drive back to the hotel where he and his father were staying. He collapses on the bed, shakily calling his father. He had to talk to someone… He wanted to talk to his father. He needed to talk to his father… He needed to talk to someone.
The secretary answers. "Mr. Kon is in an important business meeting, please leave a message," she says.
Kenji stares in shock at his phone…
"Hello?" the secretary says, trying to receive an answer.
He slowly hangs up… "An important business meeting"... Business was, once again… more important than him…
He was alone… Again.
Kenji curls up on the bed, overwhelmed by a sense of abandonment. His father was too busy to be there for him… even though he promised he'd prioritize Kenji over work… Sammy had abandoned him for her own stupid religion… And could he go to anyone else? His father figure had become Mr. Gutierrez… But there was no way he could open up to the man now… He couldn't open up to Ben's father for similar reasons… And he wasn't close enough to Yasmina's father to feel comfortable opening up to him…
What about a mother figure… Mrs. Gutierrez was the closest thing to a mother, as was Abuela… And he couldn't go to them now… Same reasons he couldn't go to Mrs. Bowman and Mrs. Pincus… He wasn't close enough to Yasmina's mother to feel comfortable opening up… And there was no way he trusted Brooklynn's parents…
Could he open up to Darius and Ben? Or would they take Sammy's side because of their beliefs? What about Yasmina or Brooklynn? Would they understand?
He was abandoned… Abandoned by everyone he cared about… And if it wasn't abandonment, they just couldn't understand his pain… He was completely alone…
Heartbroken, he stares out the window at the sky… weeping… mourning… At this point, he wasn't even sure of all the feelings he felt.
Slowly sliding down to lean against the edge of one of the beds, Kenji curls up. It was overwhelming, the sense of… everything. All the emotions and pain had come crashing down on him at once… And he had no one to open up to… No one to talk to… No one to go to for advice… No one to share his pain… No one to even rant to…
Kenji wanted someone to talk to… Someone to tell him it was okay… Someone to tell him that he'd make it through this… that he'd be able to breathe again under the weight of these feelings… That he wouldn't drown in this pain… That he wasn't a bad kid…
He rests his chin on his arms, curling his knees into his chest. Sammy wasn't exactly wrong… "And you worship me. I'm your salvation. If you could just earn my love. If you could just prove yourself worthy of my affection, maybe you'd be worth something. If you could be a worthy husband for me, you'd finally be a good person… That's how you feel, isn't it?"
She wasn't… wrong…
"Because she's perfect… Her and her family are the perfect family… If I could fit in… I…"
"I'd have made up for my mistakes…"
"What made them perfect? What made them stand out? Are they still perfect? Is Sammy still perfect even though she's sacrificing her love for me for her religion?"
Kenji wipes his nose on his sleeves. He wasn't sure how he felt anymore… He still loved Sammy, but he felt betrayed… Even though she didn't do it to hurt him. And she had the right to stop dating him whenever she wanted. She had every right to… Still… it hurt…
"She openly said she felt insecure," self hatred hisses. "She felt like she wasn't good enough for me. I'm the reason she feels this way. I'm the one who tempted her into going this far… I subconsciously pressured her into this path… She thinks SHE'S not good enough for me… I'm not good enough for her…"
It hurt… but it was an acceptable answer… A more acceptable answer than anything else. He was the bad guy… He had to be. He was the self-entitled, narcissistic brat. He was the player. He was the toxic boy who used girls to get what he wanted, then discarded them when they weren't needed… And he was mad at Sammy for discarding him first…
"I shouldn't have yelled at her," he thinks, ashamed. "Even if she was using her religion as an excuse, I shouldn't have gotten mad… This is karma… I messed up… I'm a horrible kid… I deserved this… I did something wrong… I always do something wrong… This is my fault…"
"Maybe it was better for Sammy to bank out now… So she won't get caught up in the karma of my mistakes…"
"What's the least painful way to die…" Brooklynn murmurs to herself. With a sigh, she clicks out of her tabs on her phone; she wasn't doing much editing to begin with. Besides, she didn't really want to post anything, anyway. She had other plans that would interfere with her Youtube channel…
Back on the island, fighting her suicidal thoughts was a struggle. Now, she had almost given up… Any hope of escaping them had been practically smothered. Hope was but a mere ember, being choked out by guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Encouraging things her friends said before to her are whispers; barely there and almost impossible to remember word for word.
"We're a week into April… Leah should be back… her revenge… She said she'd get revenge…" she thinks, nervously popping a gummy in her mouth. "She's going to reveal my secret… It's all coming down…"
And once again, she was anxiously going over her options. She had already pretty much decided to end everything… It was going to be very hard, and sometimes she wished to pull back her decision, but in the end, that's what she wanted to do… Well, not necessarily wanted to do it… But she was exhausted from fighting and tired of dealing with her mental problems… And her friends would be better off without her… So her death was pretty much decided upon.
It was the rest of the plan she had to iron out.
Any attempt to find a replacement for herself was laughable. She just couldn't shake her friends. They knew her better than she wished. And they were way more attached than she wanted them to be… But she had to pull away to make her death more manageable. She could quite possibly make mental recovery for her friends worse… Actually, with their level of friendship, she was guaranteed to make it worse.
"But it will be worth it… In time, they'll see what I was… They'll see why I ended it," she thinks. "It's for the best… For everyone involved."
She starts to feel sick to her stomach at the thought… She had given into the suicidal thoughts… But sometimes the thought horrified her and made her sick… She didn't always want to die… It wasn't a pleasant situation to be in.
"I'm fine," Brooklynn tells herself. "I'm good… This will be better for my friends and family and myself. Some things need to be resolved and then it can be over…"
Blinking, she's brought back to reality and looks at the empty candy bag in her hand. She had eaten three bags of candy… An unhealthy amount on an empty stomach and it was not sitting well with her already sickened stomach.
Brooklynn groans and begrudgingly gets up. She was a bit ashamed now of how much she ate… She should probably get something healthier… But she wasn't feeling hungry anymore… Convenient.
As she looks around the kitchen, trying to decide if she should force herself to eat something else or not, someone knocks at the front door. A flicker of hope wonders if it's one of her friends, but she immediately chastises it. First off, she told them she'd be spending time with her family—funny, because none of them were paying any attention to each other—and second, she had to pull away… It was better if they would stay away. No more bonding. She couldn't bond with them anymore.
Still, being the only one downstairs, Brooklynn answers the door. Upon seeing the guest, she's a little confused. "Oh, hi?" she tilts her head.
She had seen this girl around school before, same age as Brooklynn but a grade behind her. Bright smile with friendly, brown eyes. Black hair in messy space buns. Pink blouse with bell sleeves and a small backpack over her right shoulder. Black flowy pants that Brooklynn honestly thought was a skirt at first glance. She couldn't remember her name. The thing that did stick out to Brooklynn the most was thinking this young girl could be a celebrity.
"I don't think we've met before," the student says. "I'm Angelica Li-Chan."
Brooklynn accepts her handshake. "Oh, I-I'm Brooklynn… Brooklynn Monell."
Angelica clenches her hand around Brooklynn's hand before pulling back and adjusting her backpack. "Well, I know we haven't really met in school, but I took upon myself a little project. Erm."
She pulls out a card from the backpack. "I've been going around to the houses of people I know or seen around school and, erm, handing out words of encouragement. I've tried to make it personal, but obviously it's a little difficult when I don't know you."
Angelica hands Brooklynn the card. The Youtuber carefully takes it and opens it up. "You are more than the sum of your past mistakes," the third line catches her eye.
A pit of dread flops in her stomach, and she closes the card to look up at her visitor.
"I've seen a lot of kids at school struggling and I thought I'd reach out," Angelica explains, clenching her right fist again. "And I know that even if the struggling isn't visible, it can still be there, so I thought I'd reach out to as many people as possible. I've also included, erm, phone numbers and contacts for people who are willing to answer and be a listening ear if you need it. Some are people around here who are willing to lend a hand and some of them are therapy lines and other professional help centers. I also put in the suicide hotline number."
"Oh… Wow…" Brooklynn responds, not sure what else to say… How much did Angelica know about her struggles? Was this just something she included in every card? Was this personal… Did she know what Brooklynn wanted to do?
"And if you wanna talk right now, I'm here," Angelica shrugs. "If you just need someone to talk to or ask for advice we can spend, er, as much time as you need. I don't have a time limit for handing out these cards, or for how long I can stay with you. I've devoted my weekends to giving my peers a listening ear."
Brooklynn couldn't comprehend this… "Wh… W-Why?"
The bright smile fades a little, and her head twitches to the left side. "I know the struggle of feeling alone and like no one will understand you. I know what it's like to have no one to talk to. Or want to and have someone willing but feel scared of opening up. And I don't want, erg, anyone to feel that way. So that's why I'm offering opportunities for kids at school to have someone to talk to. I'm offering a shoulder to lean on and an ear to vent to."
Brooklynn forces a small smile and a nod.
"I expect nothing in return," Angelica explains. "Some other kids thought I was looking to get favors from them. I'm honestly just doing to others what I would want done to me. You don't have to do anything. There's no strings attached. I'm just extending an offer if you need help in any way."
"I'm beyond help now…"
"What you say is confidential," she promises, twitching her head. "Unless it's truly necessary for your health. Otherwise, it's confidential. I won't go saying what you tell me here, if you want to talk."
"You'd definitely go say something if I opened up…" Brooklynn thinks. "Besides… What would you think of my secret…"
"You can say no if you don't want to open up," Angelica states. "I get it. I won't judge you for anything. I'm just offering if you need it."
"I don't need it. I'm beyond helping… Save it for someone who truly needs this…"
"I appreciate the offer, Angelica," Brooklynn fakes a smile. "It's really sweet and I'm sure you're helping a lot of people through this. But I think I'm good right now. I'll… I'll keep this card, though, in case I do want to talk to you."
She hoped accepting the card and promising to call if she "needed" it would satisfy and pacify Angelica. And it seemed to.
"Okay, the offer's always extended!" she smiles, waving to Brooklynn and she walks away. "My numbers on the card, too, so you can always text or call me if you want to talk. Have a blessed day!"
"You, too!" Brooklynn smiles, then suppresses a gasp. Why did her heart hurt so much? Why did it feel like something was pulling her towards the other girl? Why did she feel intense longing and regret?
Tears slip out as she heads inside. Opening the card, she painstakingly reads what it said inside…
"We must understand that sadness is an ocean, and sometimes we drown, while other days we are forced to swim."
"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."
"You are more than the sum of your past mistakes."
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
"Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light."
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Brooklynn stares out the kitchen window, taking it in in sadness. Slowly, the words of encouragement written on the card unearthed a few memories. "Just hold on til the sunrise," Darius said.
"You are loved," Sammy said.
"I'm here for you," Yasmina whispered.
"Are you willing to fight for your life?" Brandon asked.
She thought for a long moment. "No," she whispered. "I'm not… I'm not willing…"
She couldn't bring herself to live… She couldn't bring herself to fight the thoughts and feelings… She couldn't argue with them when they said her loved ones were better off without her… And that was the feeling that hurt the most. Being this deep in depression, and then realizing everyone she cared about the most would be better off without her…
Her friends would die for her without a thought… And that was what she would do for them… That was what she was going to do for them… Sooner or later, they'd see it…
Staring hard at the card, Brooklynn wills herself to throw it in the trash bin. As the lid closes, she gets a sinking feeling that she was throwing away something important… As if she had just turned down her last chance at salvation…
"I'm too far gone, anyway…" depression murmurs.
"No, no, no, no! Don't make me change my music!" Yasmina groans in her head. Her mother was cooking dinner and pulled out a snack to eat while waiting. "Not the cronch water!" the amputee wails in her head as Mrs. Fadoula takes a small piece of watermelon. She had her headphones in while drawing, but it was soothing, relaxing music to help her focus on her sketchbook… The music didn't do much to drown out the sound.
Yasmina pulls in a shaky breath. "You can do this. You're strong, Yasmina. You're strong-willed. You can get through this. It's just chewing. It's fine."
It wasn't working… Her anger may have been dissipating, but it was being replaced with anxiety.
"It's fine! You're fine! You're okay! You can handle this! You're fine! Tune it out!"
Anxiety was getting stronger…
"You're okay! Nothing's wrong! It's all in your head!"
And she was crying…
Left with no other solution, Yasmina stands up with her crutches and limps as fast as possible to her room, shutting herself in. Only there did she give into her tears. The amputee cries into her comforter, hopeless… There was nothing she could do…
"I can't be angry at anyone because it's not their problem, it's mine! So I try to deal with it discreetly and they're frustrated with that, too! They won't leave me alone! I can't be angry, but I can't be anxious either! I can't just be the victim of this sensory disorder, but I can't deal with it either! What do they want me to do?! … What do I do…"
Yasmina felt like she couldn't do anything right… There was no way to cope with it without being bothersome to everyone else… Isolation? She was shutting them out… Reacting to her feelings? Unwarranted and unfair because it wasn't their fault… Try to deal with it in any way she could think of? Either resulted in her family being frustrated with her or Yasmina crying… She couldn't cope with it… At least, not in a peaceful, non-bothersome way…
"I'm strong-willed… Why can't I deal with this? Why do I start crying? Why can I move mountains, but get winded on this tiny hill… Why have I dealt with so much and THIS is what's making me have an emotional meltdown?!"
Laying on her back on her bed, Yasmina tries in vain to come up with a solution… There was no way to cope without bothering other people… And that aspect of the problem was somehow worse than dealing with the sounds themselves. She was so desperate, but there was nowhere to turn… No end in sight…
There seemed to be no hope… The amputee was so done with dealing with this. Except she didn't have a choice. No matter how done she was, she still had to go down to the dinner table and sit with her family… It exasperated her how much she had begun to dread eating with her family… It hurt to think how much she dreaded hanging out with her family and friends in any situation…
"There's nothing I can do…" she thinks despondently.
Ben's words from the other night come back. "I don't have any other answer, Yaz," Ben sighed. "I've never dealt with this… Anything I'd suggest you've probably already done. I don't know of any physical solutions… So I go to God because there's nothing else I can do. That's… That's all I can suggest doing…"
It felt stupid… It sounded stupid… But Yasmina was desperate and had exhausted all her other options… So why not? Why not try his solution? She was alone in her room and didn't have to tell anyone… She was desperate enough.
Yasmina shrugs, closing her eyes and sighs. "God… If… If you're out there, can you… can you help me? I know this is a tiny problem… But it's causing bigger problems and exasperating others… It's such a stupid problem… And I'm not… I'm not worth anything, I guess… Who am I to be asking for help from a god…? What do you owe me? But… Ben said to go to you, and I'm all out of options…"
She felt a little dumb, but it was all being said in her head, and hey, there weren't any other solutions. What was the harm in trying this?
What did Ben say to do? "There's… There's a lot in my life that looks like it's never getting better… Never going to be fixed… I can't fix it…" he murmured. "And that's where I… I don't. I don't fix it. I can't… So I trust it to God… He said he wouldn't let us be tempted beyond what we can handle, so… If I can't deal with it, I give it to him. Let it be his problem to deal with."
She laughs at herself. "Who am I to give my problems to a god who created the universe…" she thinks to herself. "... But… I know I don't deserve it… And I know it's insignificant… But could I give misophonia to you, God? Could I give this to you to deal with? For just one minute! Please, just one minute of relief! Just one minute of not dealing with it… Just one minute of being normal… Please… I… I give up. I can't deal with this. Just deal with this problem for me for one minute… Please…"
"Dinner's ready!" her mother calls.
Rolling off her bed, she picks up her crutches and limps to the door. Yasmina leans her head on the doorframe. "I can't deal with it… I give up. If you're real… If everything Ben says is true… just one minute…"
The amputee tentatively sits down at the dinner table, accepting the plate from her mother. As her siblings pick up their forks, the urge to cover her ears comes. "No… I give up," she reminds herself. She gave away the problem… She asked God to deal with it for her… Let's see if it would happen. She wasn't going to cover her ears.
Yasmina watches as Jabari chews. It was… Nothing… Was he always this quiet? Since when was he this quiet? Since when did it sound… boring?
She blinks in confusion. The sounds… They weren't annoying. Well, they weren't the most beautiful sounds to ever grace her ears, but they weren't outright triggering! Her heart rate was normal as she listened! She was listening… She was purposefully listening to the sound of them chewing! She never tried to hear it! But here she was, tuning in and feeling fine!
Feeling… normal.
Yasmina is in shock and awe. She couldn't remember the last time she felt like this… The last time she felt normal. The last time she could sit down without covering her ears…
As they eat, she turns to the clock… It had been two minutes… at least… She had been completely normal for at least two minutes… For the first time in years, she didn't have to cope…
Fearing it wouldn't last, she covers her ears like normal. The annoyance towards the sounds come back… But the experience of those first two minutes doesn't leave her mind all night.
Laying in bed, she thinks it over, still in awe. She hadn't told anyone about it yet… Now that all was said and done, she was conflicted… On one hand, for the first time in years, she hadn't been bothered. She wasn't sure if she could put into words how miraculous it felt. How strange it was to not be bothered… It almost felt like she was missing a piece of her, but in a good way.
On the other hand, she had asked for help from God… And immediately she was better… For longer than she had asked…
She had her experience… But what would everyone else think… Her family already had sour feelings about her disorder… Would they scoff at her attempt to fix it? Would they laugh at her crying out to God? And what would other people think? If they heard about her experience, would they try to use it as evidence? Would they use it against her to force her into the religion?
But most of all… Would it be used as proof that she was weak? She had tried so hard to do it on her own… She had tried so hard to deal with this on her own… Then when she tried to give it to the Christian God, she was suddenly better for a few minutes… Was she too weak? Why couldn't she get better on her own? Why did it take crying out to a God to fix it?
If she said anything about this, others would tell her this was proof… Proof that she couldn't do anything… Proof that she was weak… She would never be in control of her life… She would never be good enough… They would tell her she'd have to rely on God… An intangible, unseeable, imaginary God… How could she give over control of her own life to something she couldn't see or believe in?
Yasmina quickly shakes her head. "No… I did it… Somehow… It was my mindset. Something changed… I just don't know what. But I've experienced relief from it… I can figure out how to do it again… I'm in control of my life. I can find a way through this. I'm strong enough. I can do anything I put my mind to."
A satisfied and relieved feeling comes from the victory of momentarily overcoming her struggle… Followed by a foreboding feeling… That anxious feeling that something bad would happen… Like she had just doomed herself, or the people that she loved…