Surviving Malfoy _ Part II : Anger and Depression

Radiohead 'Full Stop' – Truth Will Mess You Up.

CW: light gore.

Chapter 28:

The feeling is the worst. I cannot shake it off my hand. The sickening feeling of tendons, arteries, and flesh squelching around the cursed blade in my hand. The gurgling sound still makes my stomach turn, but the feeling of that knife in my hand is what follows me in my dreams that first night in the Room of Requirements. And those dead eyes staring up at me, blood dripping from their corners like tears on his glistening red face. The way his fingers clawed at the gash in his throat, desperately trying to stop the blood flow, in vain.

Pettigrew's panicked face catches me off guard. It's what pulls me out of my sleep the first time.

The second time it's Nott Senior's voice spewing hatred through cries of pain.

The third, is the fear of Amycus Carrow's blood-soaked face uncomfortably close to mine and his wand digging into my forehead.

The fourth time is Theo – real-life Theo – his head dangling upside down from the upper bunk, poking me in the ribs.

I rise with a gasp, sitting bolt-upright in bed, almost hitting my head on the slats of Theo's bed. "Did I wake you up?" I ask after a couple of deep breaths.

"No, I naturally wake up at 3 in the morning, Pollux."

"Did I scream?"

"No clue. I put a silencing charm over you the first time, but you're thrashing around so much, I feel like I'm on a fucking boat."

"I'm sorry…" I say, laying back down and frowning up at him.

Theo sighs. "Patil told me they have dreamless sleep potions stashed in the bathroom. Do you want me to get you one?"

"I might as well not sleep with one of those," I say.

"So, we're getting up then." Theo's head disappears, getting replaced by his bare feet, dangling from the top bunk for a moment before he swings himself off it, landing with a quiet splat on the stone floor. "Tea?"

I sit up slowly, "I-"

"Aha!" Theo pulls a pair of very fluffy looking neon-pink socks off a shelf on the wall. "This room's grand."

"Theo," I try again, but he ignores me. I watch as his silhouette pads away towards the kitchen nook at the opposite end of the room. I check the wall-shelf to find a second pair of equally fluffy socks, purple, and pull them on, before slinging the duvet around myself and making my way to Theo.

"Bingo!" he whispers, pulling a large red bottle out of a cupboard. It's firewhisky.

"Theo, no," I hiss.

"Why not?"

I look around at the rows of bunkbeds and hammocks and gesture at them intently.

"Silencing charm?"

I glare at him, unwilling to start an argument that might actually wake someone up.

"Come on, you know we both deserve a night off," Theo mutters. "Please."

I wouldn't say no to a glass of firewhisky right now, truth be told. But it isn't our firewhisky and sober Theo is already a lot.

"You're welcome to go back to your nightmares sweetheart, but I'm going to kill this thing tonight."

"Fine," I hiss, checking quickly that no one has woken up. When I'm satisfied that everyone is still, I grab Theo by the wrist and pull him into the bathroom, where I put a silencing charm over the wall to the main area. "Give me that." I stretch my hand out toward the bottle, but he raises it above his head where I can't reach.

"Oi, I found it first." He pulls the cork out with his teeth and takes a good swig before handing it to me. I take a sip and pull a face at him as the liquid burns down my throat and into my almost empty stomach. "You didn't really eat tonight, did you?"

"No," I say with lingering repulsion.

"Let me check if-" he starts towards the door again, but I hold him back by the arm.

"It's fine," I say. "It's just going to make me more nauseous. You'll just have to drink most of it." The idea of food repulses me.

"I like that plan." Theo sits down cross-legged in the centre of the large bathroom, and I mirror him. We're sitting between one row of toilet cubicles, and another of shower cubicles, with a third row of sinks sitting opposite the door. The room has a distinct summer camp vibe, that was highlighted earlier by the throng of people brushing their teeth simultaneously, but now, being empty but for the two of us, is almost a little too eerie for my liking. As if on cue, the lighting in the room changes, giving the impression of warm sunlight streaming in from the ceiling, brightening everything up. "Ouh, were you scared?" Theo mocks.

"Bite me." I take the bottle out of his hand and take another swig. It's less painful the second time around and a warm, fuzzy feeling starts spreading through my fluffy-socked toes.

Theo chuckles. "So," he starts, taking a deep, dramatic breath, making me fear what's about to come out of his mouth. "Ross and Rachel."

"Theo no," I raise my eyebrows at him with a giggle.

"You say that a lot! It pains me."

"I'm not spoiling Friends for you. You'll have to watch it yourself." Another swig and I hand the bottle back to him.

"But I want to know…" He takes a large gulp of Firewhisky and sets the bottle down on the ground between us. "Plus, what if I never get the chance to watch it."

My teeth grind together of their own volition.

"Ok, dramatic mood changer, sorry. I meant, what if I never get the chance to watch TV again?"

"Why shouldn't you?" I say drily.

He shrugs. "Because my father is still alive."

"And why should he have a say in this?"

Theo smirks, but it isn't a very happy gesture. "Because as long as he's alive, he gets to dictate my life. I'm actually toeing the line here." He wiggles his finger around, pointing at our surroundings.

"I don't get it," I say.

"Do you know anything about pureblood law?" Theo asks, and I shake my head. "Well, it's not exactly law, it's more of a type of blood magic. Every pureblood family has a reigning patriarch - Oh, you don't need to look at me like that, I know it's sexist as fuck." He clears his throat. "For the Notts it's my father, for the Malfoys it's Lucius, for the Lestranges it's Rodolphus. For the Zabinis it's actually Blaise, which always makes me wonder…

"Anyway, the entire estate of that family is tied to its patriarch, until his first direct male heir marries. Or he dies, in which case the next in line takes over. To make sure the estate stays as close to the core line, an uncomfortably high number of pureblood families have taken to inbreeding. Which is frankly why we're all a little," he waves his hand in front of his face, and I huff, taking another swig of firewhisky.

"Some other families have put blood-curses on their lines. In my case, my father gets to, quite literally, reign over me, to make sure I don't stray. His word goes, I can protest, but not without consequence. I wouldn't die or anything, but it would make life quite… uncomfortable."

I wait a moment, to see if he'll elaborate on his own, but when he doesn't, I take another swig of firewhisky and hand him the bottle.

"Aren't you disobeying your father right now?" I finally ask.

"Oh no," Theo shakes his head. "He never explicitly said I couldn't run away with the Order. It's a bit like elf-magic, except I don't have an urge to punish myself, the curse does it for me. Just before Easter, I asked him if I could go visit Draco. I made sure to choose a moment when he looked as stressed as possible, and he told me I could go wherever I wanted, as long as it was out of his way. Which was just the opening I was hoping for."

"Malicious compliance."

Theo nods, "malicious compliance."

"And the dark mark?" I ask.

He shrugs. "He said 'the Dark Lord would like to give you the mark on March 30th.'" Theo lowers his voice to a low grumble to imitate his father, then smirks. "He never said I had to let him."

I smirk back at him. "You could just hide a TV somewhere. Don't you think he has no clue what it even is?"

Theo huffs, "it's not just the TV, darling. As long as my father is alive, I won't be able to do anything with my life ever again."

The smirk slowly drains from my face, and I stare at the ground for a moment. "You could just get married."

"Are you proposing?" He laughs.

I look up at him, frowning, then shrug, "If it would get you your freedom."

Theo raises his eyebrows at me. "That's very noble of you, but I couldn't do that to you," he says. "No, I'll get my freedom the bloody way and the Nott line will die with me." He raises the bottle for a toast. "Also, Malfoy would have my fucking head."

I chew on my lip. "I doubt that," I say drily, then quickly change the subject. "I still don't quite get it. Can't your father just order you to go back?"

"He'd have to give me the direct order," Theo says. "He can't just curse me in his head, and I die on the spot, that's thankfully not how it works."

"Hm," I pause. "What if he gets locked away for life?"

Theo gives me his half-smirk again. "I still wouldn't have any control over the estate. Not that I want to, don't get me wrong, but that also means no money of my own, as all money I will ever make goes straight into the Nott vaults. I cannot untie myself from the name, I can't move away and start a new life. I can't utilise the Nott fortune without him knowing exactly what I'm doing with it. I can't be free unless he's dead."

"So, we wouldn't have made it to France."

"No, we would have," Theo says sternly. "We would have made it over the apparition border, no problem. But you would have had to apparate to America immediately."

"And you?"

"I would have waited for my father." The edge in his voice makes me shudder. I watch him take another swig.

"Theo…"

"Either outcome would have been a million times better than a life under his tutelage, Pollux."

"We could have found another way."

"Darling, we were both on a time crunch," Theo says. He takes another gulp and then hands me the bottle. I set it down between us.

"You sound like Malfoy," I say drily.

"Is that a good thing?" He raises an eyebrow at me, and I swat him with the edge of my duvet.

"I would've helped you," I say. "I could have apparated you out with me."

"And then my father would still be alive, which would not change a thing about my situation," Theo says. "No, I wanted to fight him. I still need to fight him."

"Why you?"

"Because I need to make sure."

Silence stretches over us and I'm first to break it, "Theo."

"Mh?"

"Promise me you won't go after him."

Theo huffs, "of course I'm going to go after him."

"He'll kill you."

"Did you not listen to me?" He picks up the half-empty bottle. "My life isn't worth living with him alive."

"Theo?"

"Yes?"

"Go about this the Slytherin way."

Theo laughs, "I promise. I'm not planning on getting in your way either, Pollux. Whatever it is you're here to do, I'll help. But if we come across my father again, I'll probably take the chance."

I nod, but I can sense him about to prod, so I quickly say, "Why do you think I'm Pollux?"

Theo shrugs, "I think it fits. Pollux is one of the twins, isn't he?"

"Do you think Firenze was talking about me then?" I take a swig of the Firewhisky.

"I never know what Firenze is talking about," Theo huffs. "I spent a full two years in his class now and I feel like I know less than I did third year. But Eltanin is part of Draco."

I avert my eyes, clinging to the bottle in my hand, my stomach suddenly queasy. "And Venus?"

"Is a planet," Theo says helpfully. "Don't think about it too much, divination is an inexact science. Even the stars aren't always right. Sometimes they don't say anything at all, and Firenze and his bunch just interpret shit into them for the fun of it. Or to annoy little humans like you." He actually boops my nose and I glare at him. He snatches the bottle out of my hand. "Back to the fun stuff: Draco," he says with an evil smirk.

"I don't want to talk about him," I say sternly.

"What happened between you two?" Theo ignores me.

I pull the duvet tighter around myself and look anywhere but at Theo's face. "I don't know," I say honestly.

Theo's smirk slowly replaces itself with a frown. "Explain."

I sigh. "I don't know. Everything was fine, we were making plans with you and then I woke up in the cellar, with no explanation, no word from him, nothing. I don't know what happened Theo, you'll have to ask Draco."

Theo pauses. "Something must have happened."

"He must have changed his mind," I shrug.

"Girl." Theo says incredulously. But I don't respond, I take the bottle from him and drink. "If Malfoy is one thing it's loyal."

I huff out a laugh. "To you maybe," I say, the memory of his angry face screaming at me to leave the Room of Requirements vivid in my mind. "To me? No. I'm a welcome distraction when he wants me to be." I take another swig, tilting the bottle high up to the ceiling willing back the tears prickling in my eyes. "He doesn't care about me Theo, or he would have told me what he was planning."

"If it helps, he didn't tell me anything either," Theo says. "I figured the letter I got telling me I should come to the manor to discuss your transfer was forged. I figured it was him. I was a bit taken aback of course, but all in all it wasn't a bad plan. Maybe he just thought it would be safer if we both don't know the details."

I huff again, "that's bullshit Theo and you know it." I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap the duvet around my legs, leaning my cheek to the side to look at the row of sinks, away from Theo. They're spinning gently. "I don't know what I did wrong," I say quietly.

Theo shifts, leaning forward and placing the bottle on the ground. "Nothing," he says. "Malfoy's just an idiot."

Silence stretches over us, in which I burry my head between my knees and listen to Theo's quiet breathing. "Can you help me with something?" I finally ask.

"Always," Theo responds.

"Can you cut my hair?" I lift my chin to look at him just as, thanks to the room, a pair of haircutting scissors appears on the floor between us.

Theo's eyes snap down. "No!"

"You just said always!" I say indignantly.

"Not with that!" He exclaims. "That would be sacrilegious."

"Oh, stop it," I roll my eyes at him. "It'll grow back eventually."

"But it's so pretty," he almost sounds like he's whining.

"Sure. And a hazard," I say. "I don't want it to get caught in another branch or something. Please."

He doesn't move, the scissors laying untouched between the two of us. "Braid it," he says.

"I don't have the time," I retort. "And a braid is surprisingly easy to catch."

"Do that twisty thing on your head."

I raise my eyebrow at him, then I grab the scissors in one hand and a chunk of hair in the other. Theo gasps in drunken shock as I chop off the strand of hair and let it fall to the ground in front of him. I step out of my duvet and walk over to the row of sinks for a mirror, a little unsteady on my legs, but determined. I stare at my hair, mostly still waist length after months without a haircut, except for one large section I've just cut almost to the scalp behind my left ear. I turn back to Theo. "Please come help me," I say giggling.

Theo jumps up and I gleefully turn back to my mirror image, taking a slightly smaller section of hair and chopping it off to roughly the same length.

"Give me that," Theo holds out his hand and I give him the scissors. My hair is unruly, and Theo works in silence for a few minutes, sectioning off hair and trying to cut it to roughly the same length, which works out more or less well. "Draco will have my head for this if you ever tell him I did this. He loves your hair you know that."

"Can you please stop talking about him?" I ask, trying to stifle a laugh as I watch my hair gradually fall.

"If you regret this when you're sober tomorrow, don't come crying to me," he says sternly with complete focus on his work.

I clap my hand in front of my mouth when he's almost done, giggles bubbling up in my throat, staring at my reflection.

"That's best I can do." He puts the scissors down and turns away from me to walk back to the whisky bottle.

I stare for another moment, before turning around to him. "I look like Harry," I declare, lowering my hand.

Theo looks at me over his shoulder, cocks his head to the side in contemplation, and grins. "It's not that noticeable," he says.

"It is," I retort and turn back to the mirror. It isn't in my facial features themselves, it's in the way I smile, or frown. In the way my eyebrows move or the corners of my mouth quirk up when I speak. But it's undeniably Harry and my hair, now truly as messy as his, sitting like a mop on top of my head, highlights the resemblance. I brush my fingers through it, and marvel at the unfamiliar length. It's pleasant though, less weight on my head, it feels lighter, freer. "I love it, thank you," I turn back to Theo.

"Your brother's not a bad looking man," he shrugs.

"Are you calling me handsome?" I watch as he picks the bottle back up and stretch my hand out for it.

"Don't worry darling, you're not my type," he winks at me, and drinks.

"How will I ever recover from that," I say drily.

He hands me the bottle and sits on the ground in front of me. I lean against the sink behind me and take a sip of whisky. It really does get better with time, I barely feel the burn anymore, but my legs feel too light to carry me. Theo isn't swimming around yet though, which is a good sign. I place the bottle on the edge of the sink.

When Theo doesn't say anything, I ask: "So who is your type?"

He huffs, but doesn't say anything, choosing to look at his feet instead.

"Come on, we talked about Draco."

"And we talked about my family much more in depth, if anything you owe me."

I look to the side, crossing my arms in front of my chest, thinking. And then I grin down at him, "when my mother – my real mother – heard You-Know-Who was after Harry, she brought me to Snape to hide me. Apparently, they were childhood friends. And he named me after a muggle song about a woman begging a red-headed girl not to steal her husband."

Theo's eyebrows shoot up. "Dolly Parton?!"

"Louise really did give you an excellent education, didn't she." My grin widens.

"Ugh," he throws his head back. "Merlin yes. Dolly isn't really my thing though. I liked Queen a lot better, and Radiohead. Radiohead saved my sanity on a few occasions. She gave me a Walkman for Christmas when we were twelve. Still the best gift I ever got."

I don't let him distracts me. "So, who is your type?" I ask, and when he doesn't respond or look at me, I let my drunken recklessness take over: "Is it Neville?"

Theo freezes and my insides churn, immediately regretting the question. I let myself sink to the floor, pulling my legs to my chest, mirroring him. When he doesn't say anything for a while, a light blush creeping up his neck, I start "I'm sorry-" but he immediately interrupts me:

"No," he says, refusing to look at me. "Don't say that. You don't need to be. That just tells me I'm being too obvious."

I frown at him. "You're not," I say truthfully. "It was just a hunch, Theo. I'm sorry, I should've let you-"

"Please," Theo says emphatically. "Please stop apologising. Just promise me you won't tell anyone." He pauses and finally looks at me. "Least of all Longbottom."

My shoulders slump. "Of course I won't." I try to convey as much sincerity as I possibly can. "I'm sorry I pried."

"Stop apologizing," Theo rolls his eyes, but his mouth twitches upwards. "I probably would have told you eventually anyway. Pretty soon too by the looks of it." He looks down at the bottle of Firewhisky, now three quarters empty and I quickly snatch it away from him.

"That's enough of that," I say, placing it behind me under the sink.

"Party pooper," Theo says, pouting. "Right, now you owe me." Oh dear. "When did you pop Draco's cherry?"

"Really? That's the question you're going for?"

"Answer it."

I roll my eyes at him. "I doubt he was a virgin," I say.

Theo looks at me, unimpressed. "Trust me, he was," he says drily.

"Really?" I ask, and Theo nods. "Maybe a month ago?" I say.

He raises his eyebrows. "With all the nights he spent out of the dorms last year, you mean to tell me, not once..?"

I shake my head no. "Not once."

"Why?" Theo asks incredulous.

"Because I didn't want to," I say diplomatically.

He contemplates my answer before he speaks, "he's a decent bloke."

I purse my lips and say drily "on a physical level, maybe."

Theo grins wickedly and looks up at me sheepishly, as if considering his next words. "He's a pretty good kisser, isn't he?"

I have to actively keep my mouth from dropping open. "Is Draco..?"

"Sadly no," Theo says with a laugh. "We made out in fourth year, after the yule ball. Just once." He pauses. "I kissed him really, it was only for a few seconds and then he rejected me." He puts his hand on his heart, looking up at the ceiling mournfully. "He never told a soul though."

I bite my lip. "Who else knows?"

"Lovegood," Theo says without hesitation.

"Luna?"

He nods. "She knows about Longbottom too. We started talking during Slughorn's Christmas party last year. I like her, she's got empathy."

I smile at him gently. "Blaise?" I ask.

Theo scoffs. "We haven't really said a word to each other since Louise."

"What did she do exactly?" I frown.

"Oh, nothing actually bad," Theo pauses. "She rejected him pretty harshly. And then when she realised, I really truly wasn't into her, she said she didn't want to hang out with either of us anymore. Wouldn't speak to him, or even open the door. He blamed me for that."

"How long ago was that?"

"Three years maybe?" Theo answers. "In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't sound very dramatic, but Blaise took it pretty badly. We were fourteen," he shrugs. "I don't blame him."

"I don't think he still holds that grudge," I say.

He shrugs again, "maybe not, maybe he does. Neither of us made an effort to try to talk to the other again. It's been so long now, it's just become normal not to speak to him."

"Would you like to?" I ask.

"Let's see how the war goes first, shall we?"

Ah. Yes. The war. I bite my lip.

"What is it you're at Hogwarts for exactly?" Theo asks.

I contemplate my answer for a minute, mulling over the possibilities. "I can't tell you the details," I finally say and Theo nods, urging me to continue. "I'm looking for something that has to do with Ravenclaw."

Theo frowns. "That's… broad."

I sigh. "I know. There should be an artifact of Ravenclaws. Like Gryffindor's sword."

"There's a diadem," Theo says.

I perk up. "A diadem?"

"Don't get your hopes up, it's lost."

"Define lost," I say, leaning forward.

"Lost lost," Theo sighs. "As in no one has any idea where it is. It's been lost for centuries."

I let myself fall backwards, lying flat on the ground, before quickly realising that the room does spin slightly in this position, despite not having touched the bottle of firewhisky in a little while. I sit back up again. "Anything else you can think of?"

Theo shakes his head. "Not that I can think of. I can help you look through the library though."

"That'll take ages," I say.

"Or you can start looking through the castle with no real clue what you're looking for," he huffs. "Get the others on board. It's too dangerous for us two or Luna to go to the library anyway, get us every book that mentions Ravenclaw – gradually, or we'll raise suspicion – and then we'll go from there."

I frown at him. "You really do like planning, don't you?"

Theo smirks at me, "and I do have one other plan for you."