Camp Cretaceous: What Do We Do Now?

by Ecaetheerein

We thought it'd be fun… We thought we'd be safe… But we didn't realize the horror waiting for us on the island. Claws, teeth, screaming… so much screaming. But despite the challenges, we survived the night. Well... some of us. And now that we've been left on the island, we're faced with the challenge of surviving until help arrives... If it arrives...

57. Ep57 Thy Will Be Done

Author's note:

Ah, first of the POVs post-suicidal chapter. It's completely from Sammy's point of view, delving into everything she sees, how this affects her and her struggles, what she fears will happen, etc. Yes, the other campers chapters will have scenes overlapping, but the campers aren't all together the entire time, so only two scenes will have all 5 together. The rest of the scenes will have 2-3 campers or just the camper who's telling the story.

As for Brooklynn's secret, you'll know what it is... But every chapter will reveal something new. Sammy will give a basic idea of what happened, and with every chapter after her we'll see more and more details revealed. Can't let you guys get all the juicy details in one bite, can I?

WARNINGS: SA and sexual content warning. Nothing explicit in detail. But still a very dark warning. This has gone darker than I ever thought it would.

(Yes, I know what I put in the author's note in the first chapter and I am well aware that I'm pushing my limits, that seems to be what happens the longer I write a story. I'm not into writing smut, or giving intimate details, but it's still the farthest I've ever gone, so be warned. A lot of my audience is a lot younger than I thought they'd be... Reader disgression advised.)

I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter, I'm still not finished with it... I'd think I can post it May 1st, but given the speed at which I'm working on it, I'm not positive... I'll let y'all know the next official posting date later.

This chapter's named after the song Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family.

Also, happy birthday to Theironyx's sister, and happy early birthday Molly Engh! And to whoever else I missed in April, lol.

Without further ado, I hope you all enjoy!

---

"That's a hecka lot of goodies y'all baked," Mr. Gutierrez comments, picking up yet another baking pan from the sink. "I've already washed three of these!"

"It was a big party," Miriam shrugs.

"And you didn't share with me?" he pouts.

"There's some left," Sandra says.

"I see how it is," he shakes his head. "You give your Pops the leftovers."

"Papá, that's not it at all!" Rio insists with a laugh.

"Ow, my tummy hurts," Shelby complains as her father scoffs.

"This is why I told you to stop eating the cookies," Sammy mutters absentmindedly.

"Shelby, how many did you eat?" her mother sighs.

Sammy tunes out her family's chatter, lost in thought as she rests her chin on the table. "I hope Kenji's okay…"

The party had been really awkward at times with what had happened between the two of them. A standard greeting was the only thing he had truly said to her since their breakup. There wasn't much of an acknowledgement that she was there other than that. The guilt was beginning to set in and eat at her will and Sammy wished he would talk. She wanted to know what was going on inside his head. How was he feeling? Were things getting better? Had she hurt him that bad that things were unsalvageable?

What worried her was that he acted like he did before the island… That cocky, arrogant attitude had come back. She knew it was a cover up for insecurities… They all did, and they hadn't seen that facade from him in a while. Sammy had definitely triggered it again… He was masking the pain with arrogance. He didn't feel the way he acted. It was all a show…

And she hated it. Kenji had become so open and honest since the island. He wasn't suppressing his emotions as much. He was addressing why he had the issues that he did. He was comfortable expressing himself and trusted his friends with who he was. But now that she had hurt him, he was drawing back… Pulling back into his shell and putting up a face. He didn't trust anyone with himself now…

Maybe he trusted himself with the others, but no longer Sammy.

At least… that's how it looked right now…

It greatly saddened her. He was her best friend. Kenji and Yasmina. They had been through so much… They had survived more together in a couple months than most friends did in a lifetime. The trauma from the initial event was enough to bond them. But then they had lived together for two months on the island, banding together for survival. Almost every waking moment was spent together. Hard decisions were made. Trauma was incurred. Survival depended on numbers.

And when things weren't traumatic, they were goofing off. They were lifting everyone's spirits and making the best of what happened. Sammy could write an entire notebook of inside jokes they had made. Her and Kenji were the comedians of the group and they made sure that when things lightened up, they were having fun. Like he had told her, she made him feel like they were little kids running through a forest fighting make-believe dragons. Well, he made her feel that way, too…

Just like that, it was gone. Everything. At best, their friendship was up in the air, neither one knowing how it was going to end. All of that dumped down the drain for nothing…

The waiting and the silence was killing her. She wanted to know what would happen to them. She wanted to know if things would be okay! She was willing to be friends again. She wanted to be friends again! She didn't want this to get in between them!

She just hoped Kenji felt the same way…

"Why did I do that?" she bemoans in her head. "Why did I break up with him? Better yet, why did I even agree to this?! I was worried this would happen! If I'm so torn up about leaving him, why did I leave?!"

"Because it was better for both of us," reason reminds her.

"It doesn't feel better! This hurts so much! This isn't better!"

"Things weren't going well between us. I was too obsessed with him, and he was too obsessed with me. We're still obsessed with each other. We were going farther than we wanted to. We were doing things we'd both regret."

"Then why didn't I agree to date him later?! I could've just said that! He would've agreed! He agreed to it on the island! FUWAM. Friends until we are mature!"

"And it didn't prevent us from this."

Sammy sits sulking in her wheelchair. She knew why she did what she did. There were logical reasons to it. As much as she wanted to tell him that they could get married later in life, it just wasn't working. They had decided that on the island, but the temptation had been too… well… tempting. They were too codependent on each other. Sammy was struggling with too many insecurities, as was Kenji. It wasn't a healthy romantic relationship. Sammy was too afraid of being alone and unloved, and feared losing him… Kenji was afraid of being too selfish and not changing his flaws; he didn't feel good enough. She would constantly be bending over backwards to keep his love, and he would constantly be trying to prove that he had changed. It just wouldn't work out well at the moment.

She knew that… She did… She truly did…

She just couldn't break that fear at the moment… She just wanted closure. She wanted to know that she wouldn't lose his friendship. He meant the world to her…

"God, what's going to happen to us?" she asks in her head. "Did I make a mistake? Should I apologize and take back what I said?"

As much as it hurt, she didn't feel peace about doing that… She knew that wasn't what she was supposed to do… She knew it would only hurt both of them further… She was being selfish…

Still, she wanted to know where they were in their friendship…

Pulling out her phone, she hesitates. "Should I try to talk to him again?"

"I should leave him alone…"

Ignoring the voice, she texts him out of worry. "Hey, do you want to talk?"

Five minutes pass and he still doesn't answer back. "I don't want this to ruin our friendship," she tries again. "I don't want this to tear us apart. I'm willing to give you space, but I want you to know that I still love you. You're still my best friend."

She knew she probably shouldn't talk too much, but she was too worried to stop her rambling at this point. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It hurts me too. I didn't really want to do this."

"Just stop," he texts back. "I don't want to talk right now."

Sammy blinks back tears. Anxiety going into overload, she starts to guess what he was feeling. "Does he hate me? Did I push him too far? Did I make things worse? Should I not have said anything? Is he mad at me now? Is he just working through things? Is he upset with me more? Should I apologize?"

"¿Va todo bien? (Everything okay?)" her father asks, sitting down at the table next to her.

With silent tears, she shakes her head and shows him the texts. "Should I try to apologize?" she asks.

"No, just leave him alone," her father says. "Give him time to figure out things. This is a big, painful transition for both of you."

"I wanna know that things will be okay…" Sammy sniffs.

"And things will be, no matter what happens," he says, lifting her chin. "You've got God. You've got us. You've got your friends. Even if you two end up drifting apart, it's not the end of the world. It may feel like the biggest problem you've ever dealt with, but this will pass. You'll get through this. I know you want to make up immediately and fix things, but he needs time and space. Give him that, Sam. Give him time to work through the pain and everything he's going through. You've made yourself open. If he wants to talk, he will."

Sammy nods, wiping away her tears. "Okay…"

"Alright, girls, it is way past your bedtime," Mrs. Gutierrez declares.

"Aw, five more minutes?" Sandra asks.

"It is way past eleven," her mother states firmly. "Bedtime. Now."

"Okayyyy," Shelby grumbles, stomping up the stairs with Sandra and Rio in tow.

Sammy stares at her phone… She knew that they were supposed to leave all devices downstairs at night. House rules. Especially since it was late and far too many times the girls had proven that devices kept them up late if they were allowed to have them. But what if Kenji wanted to talk… What if he needed her… What if any of her friends needed her?

Her father sees straight through her thoughts and with his thumb and pointer, gently takes it out of her hands. "Nope," he answers her unasked question.

"But what if he—" she starts to argue.

"You won't get any sleep," he states. "You can check it in the morning."

"But what if my other friends are in trouble?" she asks.

"Your friends have their phones if Brooklynn needs to call someone," he says.

"What if the parents need to contact us? Your phone is broken," Sammy pushes.

"It's not broken, it's just covered in cow manure…" he mutters.

"And got stepped on by one of the animals," Miriam reminds him.

"Yeah, but yer Mom's phone still works," he shrugs.

"Sometimes," she mutters. "It won't receive texts or calls sometimes."

Sammy glares at him, still begging.

"Nope," he ruffles her hair. "You need sleep. It'll be fine. He's not willing to talk right now. I doubt he'll suddenly change his mind during the night."

Her father helps her up the stairs and the Gutierrez's settle into bed. Staring at the clock, her mind can't help but turn. "Maybe I should've kept it… Should've argued more," she worries. "Has he texted me? Is Papá right and he won't talk for a while? What if he wants to talk during the night? What if it's urgent and he really needs to talk to me? What if I'm not there for him?"

"Papá and Mamá wouldn't have allowed me anyway," she reminds herself. "I didn't have a choice."

Sammy turns over in bed, staring at her wheelchair by her bed. "I should go get it myself," a voice murmurs in her head.

"I'm still not comfortable going downstairs in my wheelchair by myself… But none of my family would go get my phone for me…" she thinks.

"But what if Kenji needs me? What if he thinks I've abandoned him by not answering?" worries bemoans.

"I can crawl down the stairs if I have to," something suggests.

"My family would hear me and I would get in trouble," she reasons. "Things should be fine… Right?"

"I should go get it…"

"I'm gonna go down, turn it on, and find nothing… Kenji doesn't want to talk to me… I've ruined our relationship…"

"Kenji's not the only one I'm worried about…"

"But everyone else has a phone… They know I'm not allowed to have my phone in my room, anyway. They don't even try to contact me anymore at night cause they know my family rules. This is just anxiety."

"Crawl down the stairs and get the phone…"

Back and forth, back and forth she wrestles with herself. One side told her that it was pointless. Kenji didn't want to talk and the odds of him suddenly changing his mind overnight were slim. Everyone knew she didn't keep her phone with her at night, so none of them tried to contact her then. And if any of the others were in trouble, they would try to contact each other as a result. She was overreacting.

The other side of her kept urging her to go down and get it…

A little after twelve, the urging side of her fades away. Left with only a lingering thought, Sammy falls asleep.

Her alarm clock goes off at 5 o'clock with her sisters, giving them a welcoming sound of chorusing alarms. It was very effective at getting them all up.

Routinely, the Gutierrez's start getting ready for the day. "Eat breakfast and get your chores done," Mrs. Gutierrez tells the girls as she begins breakfast.

"I'm tired," Shelby yawns, resting her head on the table.

"Don't go to bed so late then," her mother says. "You have to get your chores done before school regardless. Would you just load already?!"

"I'm rebuffering," Miriam quips with a sleepy smirk.

Frustratedly, Mrs. Gutierrez sets her phone down. "My phone refuses to load text messages and voicemail. I have no idea what everyone wants to tell me about!"

"It seems to do that from time to time," Sammy remarks. A pit of anxiety begins to form in her stomach… Had Kenji responded? Did he say anything?

"Probably not… I'll get on my phone and there's gonna be nothing," she predicts, grabbing her phone from the charger wall.

"I stand corrected…" she mumbles to herself, logging in to find many missed messages. She had missed messages from Kenji, Yasmina, Darius, Ben, and Brandon strangely… What had happened?

Getting a bit nervous, she clicks on Kenji's message… And with one message, her heart stopped. "Brooklynn tried to kill herself last night."

---

The whole world had stopped. She… No… No… Not Brooklynn…

The silence was deafening… She was numb… This couldn't be real… The world began to press in and a raspy, agonized sound broke the silence. "Mamá!" Sammy wails.

"What? Sammy, what happened?!" her mother hurries to her side, terrified.

"What's wrong?" her father asks, hurrying into the kitchen.

"Sammy?" Rio asks anxiously.

Sammy couldn't catch her breath, merely showing her parents the message as she cries. Brooklynn… Brooklynn! Not Brooklynn! Not her!

"Oh no…" her mother breathes, immediately calling one of the other mothers.

"What's going on?" Shelby asks, standing up.

"It's okay, sweetie, just get to doing your chores," Mr. Gutierrez says, wheeling Sammy around the table.

"Papá, what's going on?" Holly asks as her and Miriam follow them.

"Brooklynn tried to kill herself," he hisses to them. "Holly, keep your sisters busy. Miriam, get in the car."

As Holly goes to distract the younger girls, Miriam and Mr. Gutierrez help Sammy into the family truck. Moments later, Mrs. Gutierrez hops in the truck, still on the phone with Darius's mother. The three tear off for the hospital.

Sammy holds her hand to her mouth, overcome with grief. "Brooklynn tried to kill herself…" her brain says on repeat. She couldn't… She couldn't have… No…

"Did she succeed?" Sammy panics, choking back a sob. "Is she dead?! What happened?! Is she okay?! What happened to her?! Why did she suddenly flip?! She was doing better, right?! She's not supposed to be alone! … Was she that desperate?"

The idea of Brooklynn killing herself… Right in front of people… Sent a violent chill down her spine… "Why did I leave my phone downstairs…" she cries. "I knew it… I knew it! I knew I should've gotten it! I should've crawled down and gotten it! I should've dragged myself to her! I knew I should've gotten it… How could I have done this…"

"It's gonna be okay," Miriam murmurs, rubbing Sammy's shoulder from the backseat.

"What did she do?" Sammy whimpers, her voice strangulated. "Mamá?"

"I don't know," her mother says softly. "I… I don't know."

Sammy turns back to the window, even more distraught. Against her will she tries to picture what Brooklynn did… She wasn't allowed to be alone and unsupervised… Did she do it in front of her brother? Her mother? Did she grab a kitchen knife and slit her throat? Right in front of them? Was she desperate enough to grab anything? Maybe she snuck into the garage and grabbed a tool from her father's toolbox? Stab herself with a screwdriver? Impale herself with a drill? Drill into her sk…

Sammy squeezes her eyes shut, trying to erase that image from her brain.

"She's not dead, Sam," Miriam assures her. "Just… in a coma…"

Coma… Would she be in a coma if she had stabbed herself? What did Brooklynn do… No… Brooklynn wouldn't do it in front of everyone… Sammy hoped…

Maybe she had an excuse… Got away with it because it sounded innocent…

A simple bath… Her mother wouldn't object to that… As long as every now and then she was allowed to check in on Brooklynn…

Her mother checks in… Everything is fine… As soon as she leaves, Brooklynn tries…

She holds herself under… Turns on her stomach and fights the urge to breathe…

Coughing up water… Lungs filling with water…

Sammy grips her stomach, feeling like she would throw up… Weeping, she silently pleads that that didn't happen… Please, let that merely be her imagination… Don't let Brooklynn have drowned… Not that horrible death…

"What did she do?" she sobs quietly. "How…"

"Sammy…" Miriam whispers, giving up trying to distract her sister, or even comfort her. The ride to the hospital is silent other than Sammy's cries.

Arriving, they make short work getting the wheelchair out and Sammy into it. "Where are they?" she sniffs, searching the parking lot.

"Over here," Mrs. Gutierrez says, turning the wheelchair and heading towards the parents huddled around their cars.

"What happened?" Sammy's voice cracks as they approach the other families.

"She's not dead…" Mrs. Bowman informs them, sitting on the pavement, leaning against her car.

"Yet…" Kenji's father whispers.

Sammy surveys the parents. She couldn't guess what happened… Who found her… They all looked tired.

Darius's mother leaned back against the tire of her car, closing her eyes with an exhausted heaviness. Her jaw was set tight, but her lower lip was quivering. Brooklynn had become like a daughter to her… Brooklynn's mother was pacing back and forth, holding herself with one arm and biting the nails on the other. She looked as distraught as Sammy felt, and the young girl began to fear Brooklynn had done it in front of her family again…

Yasmina's parents leaned against a different car, one Sammy knew but couldn't place. Mr. Fadoula looked numb… or at least, lost in thought. His wife looked worried… Tired and worried and grieved. Ben's parents looked grimly at her, seemingly no hope behind their eyes. Kenji's father leaned against the hood of Mrs. Bowman's car, arms crossed. He almost looked angry… Brooklynn's father was nowhere in sight…

"Where is she?" Sammy whimpers barely above a whisper. Her voice kept failing her…

"In a coma," Mrs. Pincus explains. "They have her on life support."

"What did she do?" she sniffs, looking around for an adult to tell her the truth. They all shy away from her gaze.

"She overdosed," Mr. Kon says solemnly.

Tears well up as she looks down at her hands… "Was she in pain?" she cries, voice strained.

"We… We don't know," Mrs. Bowman admits exhaustedly. "Darius and Yasmina found her and brought her to the hospital…"

Sammy chokes back tears… The state they probably found her in… "Where are they?" she asks. "Where are the others?"

Mrs. Fadoula nods to the car she was leaning against. "They're trying to get some sleep…"

Sammy wheels herself towards the car as the parents move away to talk. Miriam knocks on the front window where Brandon and Milton were sleeping. The two were cramped in the front seat while Ghaleb was asleep behind the wheel. Miriam opens the back door and the other campers look at them.

They were not okay… No one was okay…

Yasmina was sitting closest to the door. She was shivering… Hardly able to meet Sammy's eyes. Her shorts and thin shirt didn't help in the cool morning air. She was a mess… Something messy and crusty dried down the front of her shirt and in her hair. Considering that she found Brooklynn and it was an overdose… Sammy guessed it was vomit… And probably not her own…

Ben was sitting next to Yasmina, squished between her and Darius. Sammy hadn't seen him look this hollow in a while… A sad, reserved look had settled on his face. He also looked a little confused, as if he had just woken up. Sammy didn't know how he could get any sleep in this situation…

Wrapping his arms around Yasmina, Ben practically lifts her out of the car. It wasn't until they were both out of the car that Sammy realized that he couldn't do anything else… Yasmina wouldn't let go. She had wrapped her arms around his shoulders and was gripping his shirt, burying her face in his shoulder. The amputee had possibly stayed that way the entire night…

Darius tiredly moves to sit on the edge of the seat, legs dangling out of the car. He looked somewhat lost and completely exhausted. Like Yasmina, he had vomit dried down his shirt and tears staining his face. The young boy looked as if one wrong word would destroy what little sanity he had…

And Yasmina somehow looked worse than him…

Kenji had barely moved from the other end of the car. He hadn't even met her eyes… Instead, he stayed curled up where he was…

It had been a rough night… One she missed…

"What happened?" Sammy asks, the questions tumbling out before she could stop them. "Is she going to make it? Why'd she do it? How is she? What did she—"

"Sammy," Ben interrupts tiredly, closing his eyes and holding Yasmina tighter. The amputee lets out a muffled sob.

Sammy hangs her head, feeling bad… Feeling devastated…

"She… We… We tried…" Darius stutters. "We tried to reach her… I…" he chokes up reliving the memories… It could only have happened a couple hours prior…

"Don't… ask…" Yasmina whimpers, fists gripping her friend tightly.

"We're not sure when she did it," Ben says softly. "The doctor's estimate a couple hours between the dosage and when she was found… So… She probably overdosed not too long after the hangout…"

"Around nine-thirty…" Milton mumbles, looking pained just to say it. Letting out a shaky breath, he walks away from the group. The older siblings follow him, leaving just the campers.

"Darius and Yaz figured out something was wrong and headed over," Ben continues. "They got there and got to the hospital around twelve."

Sammy goes numb… She knew it… That anxious feeling that she should check her phone… It was for Brooklynn… She could've helped… She should've helped… She should've done something… She had that feeling that something was wrong and ignored it…

"The doctors induced her coma," Ben sighs. "Gave her charcoal and naloxone… Everyone else responded to the call and got here after that. It was later in the night that Brooklynn's Mom finally came. We still haven't gotten ahold of her Dad…"

"Why was she alone?" Sammy asks, dumbfounded. "She… She's not supposed to be left alone…"

Darius barks out something between a harsh laugh and a sob. "Her parents were out… Milton left her…"

"Milton says he couldn't get ahold of either parent," Ben explains. "Mrs. Monell got stuck on the side of the road and her phone died. Brooklynn was the last one she talked to and she told Milton their Mom was on her way back. She told him to leave the house…"

"And he did?" Sammy asks, knowing how Darius was feeling… Traitor… How could Milton just abandon his sister like this?!

"You can't punish him anymore than he's punishing himself," Ben murmurs hollowly.

Sammy sniffs, looking down at her hands… This was too much… Too much to comprehend… She wanted to curl up and cry… Thinking about Brooklynn's last moments… What happened to her… How long had she been like this? How long had she thought about this? What could possibly push her over the edge? Tears well up again…

Looking up at her friends, she could see they were a complete wreck. Ben was usually the hopeful, faithful one, but he looked lost. Shattered. Shaken… He hadn't been the one to find her, but he had clearly taken on the burden of the rest of the group… Particularly Yasmina… Who wasn't fairing any better. Her knuckles were white as she clung to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and stared bleakly into the distance. Her mind was barely keeping it together… Kenji still hadn't said a word. She could barely see him from over on the other side of the car. Sammy had no idea what was going through his mind… Darius was trembling, trying not to cry. He looked like he was struggling to not relive every moment of the night. Poor Darius didn't deserve to go through that… See all that… Neither of them did… Brooklynn didn't deserve this… What could have made her do this? What could…

"Don't think about it," she tells herself, suppressing the empathetic side of her. "You're gonna cry… They need you… They need someone to stay strong for them…"

"She'll get better," Sammy finds herself saying out of habit. "She'll make it. It's going to be okay…"

Ben smiles slightly and nods, but the others hardly acknowledge her. "Why did she do it?" Yasmina whispers, her voice cracking.

"Yeah, she seemed to be doing better…" Sammy murmurs.

"No… She wasn't… She's just good at pretending…" Darius sighs shakily. "She wasn't doing better…"

"She seemed better… At least… just depressed…" Sammy explains. "Just… sad… I didn't… She didn't seem suicidal… We worried about it… But she…"

"Something pushed her over the edge," Darius says hollowly.

"Yes… But she was already on the edge…" Ben agrees. "This… This isn't like on the island… She was sick and confused… She didn't really want to do it then. She was hesitating. This… This was planned… Hastily, I think… But the intentions to do it were there for a while…"

"You don't think this came out of the blue?" Sammy asks.

"No… I think… I think she wanted to do this… Wanted to for a while now…" he murmurs.

"Why?" Darius asks, blinking back tears. "What happened… What made her give up… What made her feel this way to begin with…"

"I don't know…" Ben says, his face contorted in thought…

"Trauma?" Sammy suggests. "Do you think the trauma from the island was just too much for her?"

"No… I think this has been building long before the island… It certainly made things worse, but…" Ben sighs. "This is something else."

"Do you think something happened before the island to make her feel this way?" Sammy asks. "How… Why would she want to die? Why would she lose the will to live?"

"Were we not enough?" Darius trembles. "Were we not enough to keep her here? Did we… fail her…?"

"Leah."

Sammy looks up at Yasmina. The amputee's previously spacy gaze was hardened. Instead of looking lost, she looked mad. Focused… Ready to hunt…

"I don't think it was Leah…" Ben mumbles. "At least… not all of her…"

"It has to be her," Yasmina growls. "Brooklynn was doing better before Leah came and wrecked everything. Brooklynn started to become secretive about Leah… Like that b**** was doing something to her behind the scenes."

"Leah isn't the main cause…" Ben says, barely audible.

"I think I found it," Kenji says, speaking for the first time.

"Found what?" Darius asks, moving so that Kenji could slide out of the car.

"What could have possibly pushed Brooklynn over the edge," he says, face rather neutral compared to the others. "There's a video going around. The title gives me nothing, but judging by the comments… It's bad."

"Bad how?" Sammy asks.

"What are the comments?" Ben asks.

"Half the comments are enjoying… the video… The other half are outraged and reminding everyone that Brooklynn's a minor," Kenji grimaces.

The group gaps. "What?" Sammy blinks.

"What are you saying?" Darius asks.

"From the looks of the comments… It's a sextape… including Brooklynn," Kenji gulps.

The group was in shock. "Huh…" Ben hmphs in thought.

"What?" Darius blinks in shock. "Wait… You can't be serious."

"Brooklynn?" Sammy tilts her head. "In… in a porn video?"

Kenji throws out his arms in defeat. "That's what it looks like."

"Brooklynn? Making that content?" Yasmina asks in disbelief.

"You don't think she would?" Kenji asks, then scrambles to explain himself. "Look, she was already in a questionable arena… Fighting to get views… I'm not… I don't want to think she'd go there, but you do know she was under immense pressure to do anything for views…"

"Brooklynn wouldn't do that!" Yasmina snaps. "No… That can't be real…"

"I don't want to believe it, but… I think Kenji has a point," Ben murmurs. "Brooklynn fought hard to get the popularity that she has. Leah helped and… she wasn't always a good influence… Sexualizing yourself for fame is becoming normal… and pushed… For a young girl who's already struggling with feeling neglected at home, she'd be desperate for attention… Making her vulnerable…"

Darius holds his head in his hands, breaking before pulling himself back together. "She hinted at it on the island… We were riding the Triceratops back in the beginning of our stay. She said she did questionable things for attention on the Internet… That she had to do uncomfortable things to get fame… That she felt like she sold her soul…"

The campers glance at each other. Sammy couldn't comprehend it… Brooklynn? Making that type of content? It wasn't registering… No… Brooklynn was… sweet and innocent… Full of joy and laughter and curiosity… Sure, she was struggling with depression behind the mask… That made sense to Sammy… But that… Sex… It just wasn't computing… All Sammy could see when she pictured Brooklynn was a sweet younger sister… She could comprehend Brooklynn not being a virgin… She wouldn't be surprised or judging if her friend was more experienced than her… But pornographic material… Ben and Kenji had good points… Sammy just couldn't connect the Brooklynn she knew and… that…

Sexy thongs and lingerie and erotic, hip-thrusting dances come to mind… And Brooklynn came to mind… But as hard as she tried, Sammy could not reconcile the two images… Brooklynn was so innocent… How desperate did she have to be to make that content? And how far did she go…

"I have to see it to believe it," Yasmina says, hands shaking.

"No," Darius shakes his head. "I can't… I can't watch it."

"I can't either," Sammy sniffs. "If… If it's true… I can't look at her like that… It's already out there for the world to see… She killed herself over it… I can't breach her privacy like that…"

"I don't want to watch it either," Ben shakes his head. "Sammy's right… It feels wrong to think about watching that…"

"Yeah, no…" Kenji shakes his head.

Yasmina was the only one who didn't refuse. Sighing and balling her fists, she glares at the others. "I have to know… This… This is what pushed her over the edge… I have to know what it is. What it was that hurt her so much, she gave up the will to live."

After a long silence, Kenji hands her his phone. "Then you can watch it," he states.

Yasmina shakily takes the phone, almost seeming to regret her decision as soon as she took it.

"Yaz, don't…" Darius whispers.

Yasmina stares at Kenji's phone like it was a live wire in her hands… As much as she wanted to watch it, she didn't…

"If you can't bear it, don't watch it," Sammy advises, watching her friend shake.

This seemed to awaken something in the athlete. "Somebody has to," she murmurs, sitting down on the pavement and clicking on the video.

Sammy fidgets in her wheelchair, unsure what to do. Darius holds his head in his hands while Kenji paces around. Ben watches in pain as Yasmina starts the video. She had the volume on low… But that didn't stop Sammy from hearing things… Things that made her squirm… Kenji was right…

After a minute or so, Ben sighs and sits down next to Yasmina, giving in and watching the video with her. Sammy watches his face… No reaction… Hardly any reaction to it… He must've had some God-given strength to keep it together…

Kenji stops pacing and Sammy looks up at him. His features were harsh with confusion. "Turn it up," he commands.

Yasmina does and Darius covers his ears, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to block out everything. Sammy wants to do the same thing… But she still wasn't sure this was Brooklynn…

Relenting, Kenji moves to sit behind Yasmina, watching the video, too. Sammy watches him… There wasn't horror or disgust like on Yasmina's face… But he wasn't neutral. Him and Ben were watching with skeptical faces, Kenji moreso. "Play it from the beginning," Kenji says.

Yasmina does and looks away, looking physically ill.

After a few minutes, Ben looks over at Kenji. "It's not real, is it?"

Kenji shakes his head. "The voice isn't right. The body isn't right. The face isn't right. The lighting isn't right. It's all wrong."

"What do you mean?" Sammy asks, curiosity getting the best of her as she wheels herself closer.

"The voice sounds too high in a fake way to be hers," Kenji explains. "I-I don't know, it just sounds different… Which could be explained by her trying to imitate other videos, but that's inconsistency number one. Number two, the body doesn't match Brooklynn. If Brooklynn truly did make this video, it couldn't have been that long ago. That girl's too… that girl's a normal weight. Her whole body's bigger than Brooklynn's."

Sammy takes a glance and turns away, not mentally prepared for that image… The nudity… from both parties… Movement she didn't want to see anyone do…

"And she conveniently has her face turning away from the camera most of the time," Kenji points out. "When she is turned towards the camera, the face is all wrong. The lighting doesn't match the rest of the body, and neither does the facial expression. Looks like someone just paused a video of Brooklynn and cropped it onto the body of a random porn video."

Sammy steels herself and looks at the video. Getting over the nudity and… oh gosh, she was watching this… Getting over it, she studies what Kenji pointed out. "Oh my gosh, you're right…" she murmurs. Once she saw it, she couldn't unsee it. Once seen, it was impossible not to notice how different Brooklynn's face looked from the rest of the video. Her skin was too pale… the body too dark… The body was too lean… A little too much weight in that part… Little too much thigh… Thicker waist… And a small, but just noticeable enough birthmark on her lower back… Brooklynn didn't have that… Sammy was sure of that.

"And of course her face is concealed most of the time," Yasmina says, her voice no longer wavering.

"Easier to edit," Ben remarks.

"And there's only one camera angle," Sammy adds.

"Terrible quality, too," Ben nods. "Definitely not what Brooklynn would use if she was filming the video. Poor quality if she was trying to get views. Plus, honestly, you can only figure out it's her based on the title of the video. Her face is kind of obscured most of the time."

"I'm pretty sure I've seen the real video before," Kenji says, searching his jeans for his phone to look up the true version. "I think I might be able to find the real one…"

"So… it's not her?" Darius asks, still covering his ears with his hands.

"Yeah, we're sure of it," Ben says as Yasmina hands Kenji his phone.

"Do you have the exact video saved?" Sammy asks as he begins to search for it.

"No, it's not high quality so it'll probably be hard to find…" Kenji says, face heating up ever so slightly. "But I think I remember the trail I took to get to that one…"

"Trail?" Sammy frowns.

"You know, you click on one video, then another video catches your eye, so you're down the rabbit trail!" he snaps, swiping furiously.

Sammy leans back, lip wavering. "Just… try to find it… To prove Brooklynn's innocence…"

"Yeah… That's what I'm doing…" he says softer, almost in a guilty way. He had to be feeling stressed… They were all stressed…

"Let me try," Yasmina says, catching Sammy's attention as Darius tosses her Brooklynn's phone. Within a few minutes, Yasmina had figured out the password. "She changed it…" she mutters.

"What are you doing?" Sammy asks.

"Seeing if she was in contact with Leah," Darius mumbles.

Yasmina stills and her face darkens. "Leah sent her the video…"

"So, she was behind this," Darius seethes. "I bet she edited the video, too."

"There's not much evidence… yet…" Ben mutters. "But given everything that's happened, I guarantee Leah was the one who released that video and edited it, too… And if not, maybe got someone else to do it…"

Something didn't sit right with Sammy… "Why would she kill herself over this?" she asks the group. "I—"

"Found it!" Kenji announces, passing his phone around to everyone—minus Darius who declined. "That's the exact video, just without Brooklynn's face," he says. "It's the real one. Nothing distorted or strange. That video of Brooklynn is completely fake and we have proof."

"Which is why I'm confused," Sammy murmurs. "Why would she die over this? Kenji picked up on it so quickly—"

"It did have something off to it, even before Kenji pointed it out," Ben interrupts.

"But it's very obviously fake," Sammy sighs, frustrated that everyone kept cutting her off.

"Yeah… Why did this do her in?" Kenji asks.

"As embarrassing as it is… It's not true," Darius frowns. "She knows it's not real… Why would she kill herself over an edited video…"

"Especially one so easily fake it's laughable to believe it," Kenji shrugs.

"Maybe the shame of having this out there was too much to bear?" Sammy suggests. "Even though she knows it's fake, she still doesn't want to deal with the public…"

"Maybe…" Ben murmurs absentmindedly, looking at Yasmina. The athlete looked pale… Sick…

"Yaz? What do you think it is?" Sammy asks, knowing that look… At least, she had a feeling something was churning in her friends mind…

A text message from Brooklynn's phone distracts them all. Yasmina and Ben read it first… The two had very mixed reactions. "There's another video," Yasmina breathes, then repeats it with a growl. "There's another video…"

"What do you mean 'another video?'" Kenji crosses his arms.

"Whoever this is says, 'I edited that video. It's not even Brooklynn in the video. I don't know who it is,'" Ben reads. "'I was commissioned to do this. I didn't know this would push her over the edge. I am so sorry. I didn't realize the intentions of my commissioner. I thought this was another petty rivalry between Brooklynn and Leah. I didn't realize how much harm Leah wanted to do. It seemed like libel until she revealed the inspiration behind this idea.'"

"Inspiration?" Sammy whispers.

"'I'm so sorry,'" Ben continues reading. "'I'm attaching the real video which Leah drew from. She wanted to make Brooklynn look dirty, so the edited video hardly matches the real footage. I didn't want to reveal this to the public, not after what the fake video did to her. But this can't be left hidden. I hope someone finds this. Family. Police. Someone. Just don't let this footage be hidden.'"

"What do they mean?" Sammy asks, on the verge of crying. What did they mean "the real footage"? What was the real footage? And why was it so far off from the edited video? If so, why did it push Brooklynn so far over the edge? She felt sick… What could this possibly be?

"I don't know if I want to watch this…" Yasmina whimpers. The athlete seemed to have a grave idea of what it was… and Sammy was getting the sinking feeling that she knew, too.

"What real footage?" Kenji asks, pacing again. "If there's real footage, why did they edit it?"

"If there's real footage, and the edited video doesn't match the footage… But the edited video is made to make Brooklynn look dirty…" Ben trails off.

"Play it," Darius says, barely above a whisper. He gets up and sits behind Ben. "I have to know."

"I think I know," Yasmina whispers, tears welling up as Ben hesitantly plays the link.

The link brought them to an unknown site or something of the like. The video appeared to be security footage, with the camera seemingly mounted to the ceiling in the corner of the room. Brooklynn was in the room with an older man. From the interaction, they knew each other and Brooklynn seemed comfortable with him… Perhaps not, as Sammy noticed the tension in Brooklynn's face when she was turned to the camera.

The first five minutes or so seemed boring. Brooklynn and the man talked and he gave her compliments, praised her talent, etc. More boring performance… Nothing seemed to give a reason for Brooklynn to commit suicide. The only thing that kept Sammy from calling cow manure was the man… There was something off about the way he was acting…

Then it happened… He pulled her close to him… Wrapped his arm around Brooklynn's waist… She looked uncomfortable…

"What is he doing?" Darius asked, almost pleading for it to not happen…

Sammy gasps as the older man kisses Brooklynn. Finally moving, Brooklynn pulled back and expressed her discomfort. The man ignored her and kissed her again, to which she tried to pull away and run. Harshly, he grabbed her and pulled her back. With smooth words, he assured her she wouldn't be in pain… Just cooperate… She wanted this…

"No, no, no, no," Kenji breathes.

"Run… Just run!" Yasmina pleads.

Brooklynn was certainly considering it, but the man put pressure on her… And uncomfortable as she looked, Brooklynn gave in… For the moment…

"Don't do this," Darius whispers.

Finally, it became too much for her to bear. Brooklynn struggled to pull away from the man. That was when he snapped. A struggle ensued and he threw her to the ground, ripping her clothes off.

"Stop it!" Sammy cries out, watching helplessly as Brooklynn struggled and cried.

Brooklynn struggled to fight him while also covering her chest… She lost the battle and the man began to undress himself. Taking the opportunity, Brooklynn scrambled to escape him while he was distracted…

It didn't work. He grabbed her and pulled her back roughly, causing her to cry out for help. Once undressed, the man pinned her down beneath him… making his move… Making Brooklynn scream in pain…

Wailing, Sammy covers her mouth and looks away. She didn't need to see anymore. She had seen everything… He… He… Brooklynn…

He raped Brooklynn…

The video was still playing and she could hear Brooklynn crying and screaming and begging for him to stop… Then she went silent…

"Get… off of her…" Darius growls, breaking down in tears.

Sammy glances again at the video, crying. Brooklynn was silent… too silent… Was she dead?
"Is she dead?" she whimpers.

"No… just… disassociating," Ben says in shock.

Sammy turns away, sobbing. "No! Please, no! How could that have happened to her! No, let it be fake! Let it be wrong!"

But there was no way that was edited… That was Brooklynn… on the floor… being raped…

"Not Brooklynn… No…" Sammy cries. She couldn't get it out of her head… The image… It wouldn't stop replaying… Brooklynn… on the ground… on her back… vulnerable… naked… The man above her… pinning her down… Penetrating her… Her face… Her scream… He hurt her… He hurt her…

Sammy's heart went out to her friend. It was horrible… How… How did she feel? Pinned down in the most vulnerable position… Trapped by a predator… a monster… How did it feel to have that monster force himself upon her? How much did it hurt? How violating did it feel? How hard did her heart pound in fear? How…

"How did she survive that? How did she move on?" Sammy asks. She couldn't comprehend it… She couldn't put herself fully in Brooklynn's place… It was too horrible to imagine… Too horrible to comprehend…

Brooklynn had to carry that around with her… That memory. That trauma. Maybe she woke up every day and thought about it… Maybe she saw him in every man who looked at her on the street… Maybe she blamed herself for it… Maybe she thought it was her fault, or that she deserved it…

Sammy wanted to forget what she saw… She wanted to forget the pain Brooklynn was in… The horrible trauma he put her through… Her heart grieved for her friend and she wanted to curl up and cry…

How much more did Brooklynn want to do that? How much more did she crave to curl up and disappear? To cry and wail and grieve what was stolen from her?

… How much did she think about it? How much did it torment her?

It dawned on her… No wonder Brooklynn was depressed… No wonder she was suicidal… No wonder she wanted to die… This… This was what she carried around… Every single day… Suddenly, Sammy completely understood why her friend wanted to die… And she didn't even live through what happened.

"Oh God… Oh God…" Sammy weeps bitterly. "Brooklynn… Oh, Brooklynn…"

---

"How could he do that to her?"

Sammy leans against the door of the truck, tears slowly slipping out. She felt numb… How could words do justice to how she was feeling? How Brooklynn had felt… The horrible trauma and shame burning and festering inside her friend… This whole time, that's what she held inside her… No wonder it was so hard to combat the guilt and depression she had… She had been deeply hurt… Horribly wounded internally, and all that self-hatred did was keep her more isolated… More guilty… More and more hateful towards herself as she spiraled out of control… Until she finally hit the bottom…

"Why… Why, God? Why did this happen to her? Why could something so horrible happen?"

"Sammy…"

Sammy glances at her sister sitting next to her in their family truck, then goes back to looking out the window.

"It's going to be okay," Miriam assures her solemnly. "She… She's not gone. Just in a coma. She can come back. The doctor's removed the drugs from her system. She's not poisoned anymore…"

Slowly shaking her head, Sammy closes her eyes. How could her sister understand? How could any of them understand? This wasn't an external wound… This was an internal wound, eating Brooklynn from the inside out… Miriam didn't know what had happened yet… She didn't know the weight that Brooklynn had carried since that event… Sammy didn't even fully know…

"Why?" she whispers. "Why? Why did this happen?"

She looks her sister in the eye, pleading for an answer. "Why did this happen? Why did this happen to her? Why did this have to happen?"

Miriam glances around the truck, searching for an answer. She starts to say something a couple times, but stops herself. "I… I don't know…"

Sammy slumps against the window again, silently crying. She couldn't unsee the images… Brooklynn's screams and cries echoing in the back of her mind… She was haunted by what happened to her friend…

"And how much more was Brooklynn haunted…"

"I… I don't know why this happened…" Miriam sniffs, trying to say something—anything—to comfort her sister. "But… everything happens for a reason… Some… Somehow, something good will come out of this, Sam…"

Sammy chokes back a sob. How could anything good come from this… "What good could come from this?" she bemoans. "How can any good come from Brooklynn killing herself?"

"She's not dead yet," Miriam reminds her, a small spark of hope behind her eyes. "Maybe… Maybe she had to hit rock bottom… Reach her lowest point before she bounces back. Maybe she has to taste death to realize she wants to live, you know? … Maybe that's why…"

"Is that it, God?" Sammy asks in her mind. "Is that why you did this? Does Brooklynn have to dance with death to appreciate life? Why did she have to suffer?! Why did she have suffer all this in the first place?! Why Brooklynn?! Why did she have to give up?! Why did she have to kill herself?! Don't you love her?! Why would you bring her to this point?! How does this help her?! How does this glorify you?! Why is all this happening?!"

Staring out the window, she feels her hope slowly slipping away… Were Brooklynn's wounds too great to heal? They had tried so hard to get through to her… So hard… So many attempts were made… So many people reached out… And it wasn't enough… Nothing had broken through Brooklynn's guilt. She was completely shut off from everyone. Self-isolating out of guilt and condemnation. How could they fix that? If she did survive, would she be better? Would she recognize how many people were there for her? Or would she be mad? Would she be frustrated that they got her to the hospital in time? Would bringing her back to life even matter?

Yes… Her hope was beginning to burn out…

Someone knocks on the window, and Sammy peeks out. It was Kenji.

She opens the door and stares bleakly at him.

He shuffles his feet, not looking her in the eye. "The doctors said we could visit… her…"

"Yeah… Yeah, let me…" Sammy trails off as her sister helps her out of the truck.

Sammy and Kenji silently enter the hospital and are guided with Yasmina to Brooklynn's room. No one was sure what to say… For Sammy, this would be the first time she saw Brooklynn since the party…

"It's past 6:30… Party ended at 9…" she thinks. It had only been about ten hours since she last saw Brooklynn… It felt much longer than that… How could so little time have passed… It felt like an eternity…

"Maybe you should use crutches," Kenji says softly.

Sammy looks over at Yasmina. The amputee was limping, favoring her right leg over her amputated one. Who knows how long she had been wearing her prosthetic… She probably needed a rest from it.

Instead, Yasmina shakes her head, tiredly powering through whatever pain she was in. Kenji continued to walk behind her with his hand on her back, making sure she didn't fall or anything. For once, Sammy had to slow down to keep up with them.

Coming to Brooklynn's door, they hear shouting—at least, someone raging. Kenji tentatively opens the door and moves aside for the girls. Inside the room, Darius was losing it, with Ben standing there, at a loss for what to do. "This!" he gestures to an unconscious Brooklynn, chuckling out of insanity. "This could have been prevented! She could've been saved before this, I know it!"

"Darius—" Ben breathes.

"I should've known!" Darius practically shouts. "I should've paid more attention to her! I shouldn't have been pulling away! I shouldn't have been focusing on you guys! You guys weren't at risk! I shouldn't have listened to you!" he rages, almost accusing Ben. "I shouldn't have pulled away! Brooklynn wasn't fine yesterday, I should've gone after her! I shouldn't have trusted Yaz's opinion! I shouldn't have focused on the breakup! Sammy and Kenji were fine compared to her! I shouldn't have focused on them, I should've focused on Brooklynn!"

"Darius!" Ben says louder, glancing at the others.

"Me breaking up with Kenji was the perfect distraction Brooklynn needed to do this," guilt condemns.

The group freezes, in shock. "I…" Darius whispers.

A guttural wail breaks the silence as Yasmina slumps against the wall and slides to the floor.

"Yaz…" Darius whimpers.

Yasmina slumps forward in defeat, wailing. Pulling in a shaky breath, Kenji kneels down next to her, trying to comfort his friend.

"Guys…" Darius covers his mouth, regretting everything he said.

"Brooklynn was in need of help, but instead of helping her, everyone was focused on me and Kenji…" condemnation comes. "You were fine, Samantha. You didn't have to break up with him… Look where it got Brooklynn…"

"Guys, I'm sorry," Darius stutters. "I-I didn't…"

"I shouldn't have broken up with him," she clenches her teeth, swallowing the rising sob in her throat. "I was selfish… I shouldn't have… I ruined everything! It's my fault! If I had just let God guide me, Brooklynn would still be here…"

"Don't blame yourselves," Ben says, stepping in as Darius moves towards the group. "It's not your fault, and you didn't fail Brooklynn. Don't blame yourselves."

"But isn't it? Maybe she'd still be alive if I had left well enough alone!" guilt cries.

Sammy knew she wasn't the one to blame… It was the guy… It was Leah… It was Brooklynn's own self-hatred that led to this… But still… Had she not been so focused on her own needs, would Brooklynn have been saved? Maybe Darius would've been able to break through her defenses… Maybe Yasmina could've gotten through. And if Sammy had listened to her gut, she would've dragged her paralyzed butt downstairs and texted Brooklynn… Maybe this wasn't her fault…

But maybe it was… And maybe she could've done more to prevent it…

"We did our best," Ben reminds them softly.

"And it wasn't enough…"

"We tried to save her, and we gave her so many chances," Ben continues. "We did everything we could."

"Did I?"

"It's not your fault," Ben tells Darius, touching his shoulder.

"It's my fault…"

"It's not your fault," Ben takes her hand and squeezes it.

"But maybe I could've prevented it by being more attentive…"

"It's not your fault," Ben touches Kenji's shoulder.

"No, you were just reacting to what I did…"

"It's not your fault," Ben says, taking Yasmina's hands in his.

"Look at me… Not even attending to my friends… Same mistake I made with Brooklynn…"

Sammy watches as Ben and Kenji try to comfort Yasmina. The amputee was wracked with sobs, wailing in a way they hadn't seen her do since the island…

Sammy wanted to help her… She wanted to reach out and comfort her friend. Stop the horrible, grief-stricken wails coming out of her. Soothe her and assure her it would be okay. But Sammy wasn't even sure of it herself… And it made her cry harder… She couldn't comfort them. She couldn't encourage them. She had lost hope herself. She wanted to help them, but she could barely keep it together herself…

"And it was this same slip up that led to Brooklynn slipping under…"

Sammy looks up at Brooklynn, laying still on the bed. All different types of machines were hooked up to her. Wires and IVs and monitors were everywhere. The steady beep of her heart monitor kept on in the background… But would that monitor stop? Would it become irregular and flatline? … Would they be forced to unplug her? Would the doctors say she would never wake up? Would they say she was brain dead and never be awakened? Would they have to… have to give her up?

"She could be gone… She could die… What if she's already dead… It's my fault…" grief moans.

A world without Brooklynn… The idea brought her to tears and yet, suddenly, it was a very real possibility… Quite possibly the only outcome of this situation…

"She's dying… She's dying!" she weeps. "Why? Why?! Why did this have to happen?! Not Brooklynn! God, please, not Brooklynn! Please, no!"

"Hey, uh…" Ghaleb opens the door, then sees his sister. "Mom… says you need to go back to the… car…"

Yasmina stretches out her hand and rests it on Ben's shoulder, sobbing something incoherent…

"Go down to the car and elevate your leg," Ben says, pulling her into a hug. "It's okay."

"Is it okay?" Sammy wanted to shout. But she refrains, knowing the others were hanging on by a thread as it is…

After coaxing and soothing her, Yasmina finally accepted being carried out of the room by her brother. Ben motions for Kenji and Sammy to leave the room with his hands. Darius was still frozen behind him, holding his arm and fighting back another mental breakdown.

"It's okay, Darius," Sammy sniffs. Things weren't okay… and she wasn't referring to the situation… But she had to let him know that he didn't hurt her… And that if he did, maybe she deserved it a bit…

"Go on down," Ben says softly, pulling her into a hug. "Leave him to me."

"You can't help him… You can't help any of them…" is what he seemed to say in her self-blaming state.

She desperately wanted to help Darius… To help Yasmina… She wanted them all to stop feeling hopeless and grieved… But she had nothing to give… No hope… No joy… She was in the same boat as them…

Sammy and Kenji reluctantly head back to the parking lot. The silence was awkward and heavy and hurt with every second that passed. It was the grief they were bearing, plus the last time they talked ended with him saying he didn't want to talk to her… Add to that weight the fact that it was because of that conversation that Sammy left her phone downstairs… Rendering her useless in the rescue attempt… Of course, the reason they were having trouble in the first place was because Sammy broke up with him… And maybe… just maybe… the reason Brooklynn got as far as she did in her suicide was because everyone was distracted with the breakup… So as many times as Ben told her that it wasn't her fault… She couldn't give that weight up… The weight of knowing that if she hadn't broken up with Kenji, their focus would've been on Brooklynn… All she did was add another problem to the group's list of problems… Just another thing to focus on… And it was new and scary and changed the dynamics of the group… Obviously taking up a lot of attention… Giving Brooklynn just enough room to slip through the cracks undetected until it was too late…

She was losing it. Her composure. Her hope. Her best friends… She felt like her life was falling apart. Nothing was certain and everything was crumbling. And where was God? She had broken up with Kenji thinking that that's what she was supposed to do. Had she been kidding herself? Had she made it all up? Was God telling her not to do that and she hadn't listened? Or did he tell her to do it and she had listened… Why? Why would this be his plan? Was Brooklynn meant to die? Was Brooklynn meant to go through that traumatic event? What purpose did that serve?! Why did she have to suffer like this?! What was the meaning of all of this?!

"God, do you even care?!" she cries out in her head.

"She'll be okay," Sammy finds herself saying aloud. It was a habit… She couldn't help but say the words, even though in her heart she didn't believe them… Maybe if she said them enough she'd regain her hope…

"She'll be okay," she says with more force. "Brooklynn will be okay… God has her. He's in control…"

"Then why has all this happened…?"

She's snapped out of her thoughts by Kenji, who whirls around to face her. "Just stop!" he practically shouts, scaring her. "Stop! Stop it! Stop it with all the God stuff! It's not helping! It's not helping at all! Wh-When did it help?! Since when has praying and believing helped?! Brooklynn's worse!"

His voice squeaks at the end, and he grips his hair. "Brooklynn didn't change! You were praying for her, Ben was praying for her, everyone was praying for her! I-I was praying for her… And she's not better! She's worse! Way worse! Dead! P-possibly…"

Hyperventilating, he paces in front of her in the parking lot. "Religion is stupid and fictitious and all it does is cause trouble! All it's done is cause a divide in the group… Cause friction and fights. Caused a divide between us! We're…"

Sammy watches in pain, silently crying…

"And for what?!" he snaps, turning back to her and advancing closer. "What do you hope to get out of this?! What do you hope to get from believing in God?! Heaven? Is Heaven worth it if you're losing friends here?!"

Tears build up at his accusation… Something else did, too…

"Do you hope to get saved from judgment?!" he grills angrily. "Judgment from what?! Judgment from the same God you're believing in?! Why do you believe you'll be saved by a God who deals out punishment of the guilty onto the backs of the innocent?! Where's the justice here?! What do you hope to gain from praying?! What do you hope to gain from believing?! Why is this all you can do right now?!"

Hands trembling, chest heaving, something inside her snaps. "It's the only thing I can do, Kenji!" she shouts back. "What else do you expect me to do?! I'm in a f***ing wheelchair! I can't even walk! You guys have to help me get around; what was I supposed to do?!"

Kenji draws back in surprise, but she wasn't about to apologize yet. "There's nothing I could've done! There's nothing… I could've… f***ing… done…" With a heavy sigh, she bursts into tears. "There's nothing I can do… Even if I got your texts, I still couldn't have gotten there… Even if I called her, there's nothing I could do to get to her; I can't save Brooklynn…"

Her voice fades out and she weeps silently before speaking again. "What do you want me to do?" she asks, pleading rather than showing anger. "What can I do? I'm helpless… I'm helpless here… I can't help Brooklynn… I can't help you guys…

"Prayer… is the only thing I can do…" she tells him tremulously. "I can't do anything for her physically… I can't save her… This is beyond me… Beyond my skills… I couldn't save her last night… I can't help her now… I'm helpless in the physical realm, so maybe I can intercede in the spiritual realm… Maybe I can pray on her behalf…"

Sammy lets out a sob and finally voices what she was afraid of. "Maybe I'm helpless in the spiritual realm, too…"

"Sammy…" Kenji breathes, guilt in his eyes.

"I didn't want to hurt you…" she cries. "I didn't want to hurt you breaking up… It hurts… It hurts me, too… I thought I was being obedient to God… I don't know…"

Shoulders slumping in defeat, Kenji whimpers. "Why… Why would God do this? Why would he put her through that? Through this? She doesn't deserve this… Why is she suffering so much? Why her?"

"I don't know…" she whispers, feeling more and more despondent the more she admits it. "I don't have an answer… I'm searching myself… I'm just as lost as you are… It hurts so much… I don't know what I did wrong… Maybe I shouldn't have broken up with you… Maybe Darius was right… Maybe I should've listened to my heart and got my phone… Maybe this is my fault…"

Weeping, Kenji covers his face in his hands and sits down on the curb. Sammy wraps her arms around her stomach, curling in as she wails as well. Where was the hope… Where was her faith… Where was her friend… Where was Brooklynn… Where was God… What would happen to Brooklynn… To them… To all of them…

---

Around seven in the morning, the families began to scatter. Mr. Kon, Mr. Fadoula, and Mr. Pincus had to leave the hospital for work. Brooklynn's mother called out to stay updated at the hospital, while the other four mothers would switch shifts. Mrs. Pincus and Mrs. Gutierrez started off the first watch. Brooklynn's father was still out of the picture…

The younger children who hadn't come to the hospital yet were left relatively unaware of what happened the night before. They knew something bad had happened and knew it revolved around Brooklynn, but varying details were left out. As such, they had been sent to school for the day, so that the adults and the campers could deal with the situation without worrying about where the younger ones were.

The campers were first and foremost tired and worried, but hungry was also up there. Seeing as there was nothing much to do and the sun was rising, the mothers take the remaining teens out to a breakfast diner. The mothers and older siblings sat at one booth, while the campers sat in the booth behind them. Brandon sat with them, watching over them worriedly. Not much talk occurred.

Sammy played with her food, slowly eating it. She had lost her appetite as soon as she found out what happened. Nobody talked after Darius's outburst… Normally, she'd be the one to try to lighten the mood. Be positive. Tell everyone to look up. List the good things or mention how it was a beautiful day… But she couldn't… She didn't have any energy to be positive, much less deal with the others… Should she try to be positive, the others would surely break down or snap at her… She didn't blame them… She would probably react the same way now…

She stares out the window. The sun was rising and wispy, cotton-like clouds floated lazily through. The morning air outside was not too cold, but not too hot. The sky was half pink and orange and half light blue. People bustled about their business, on their way to work or to get a cup of coffee.

The day really was beautiful… And she would've been the one to point it out… But it didn't bring her a single ounce of joy. In fact, it made her want to cry even more… Had Brooklynn hung on for ten hours more, she could've been there to enjoy it… Had she hung on that long, she'd still be here…

"She's not dead yet," what little hope she had left says. It did almost nothing to raise her spirits. The doctors weren't expecting Brooklynn to recover. She was in a coma, and as far as they were concerned, she was brain dead… It hadn't even been twelve hours since the incident, so they had no way to be sure… But things were looking grave for her friend… Very grave…

"Why is it such a nice day?" Darius breaks the silence, staring bleakly out the window. "Where's the rain and dreary weather…?"

Sammy knew what he meant… Why wasn't the world matching the situation? Why wasn't the sky opening up like their tears? Where were the bolts of lightning piercing the air like Brooklynn's actions pierced their hearts…

She wanted to comfort him… She wanted to help… But she needed help herself… What was the point in speaking up? She'd be lying if she said things would be okay. She didn't know herself! She didn't have faith and hope was slipping away with every second! How could she comfort them when she didn't believe a word she would say? What was the point in talking? She was losing hope… Even if they saved Brooklynn, would she ever be the same? Would she be damaged beyond repair? Would she try again?

She had no hope…

After breakfast, the group drives back to the hospital. Sammy sits in the truck, wishing for her family to leave her alone… There wasn't much hope…

A knock on the window startles her and she opens the door. Milton stood with one hand in his pocket, the other holding out an envelope. "She… She wrote goodbye letters," he says hoarsely. "This one's yours…"

Sammy slowly takes it and watches as he walks away. Closing the door for privacy, she holds it in her hands for a few minutes… She wasn't prepared to read this… But when would she ever be?

"Don't read it," her conscience advises.

Neglecting it, she opens the envelope and unfolds the paper. "Dear Sammy," the first line reads. "I guess if you're reading this, I'm no longer with you."

Sammy has to put the letter down, processing those first two lines… No longer with them… Seemed like it… Brooklynn was counting on it… In a way, that almost solidified her death… Even though she hadn't technically been pronounced dead…

"I know the pain and confusion I've caused is great," Brooklynn continued. "I'm truly sorry. I see no other way, and I hope you all will come to understand that. I have no idea how much time will have passed between my death and you finding this letter… But I would assume you've at least heard about the video going around about me. I would hope you haven't watched it, just to spare you the pain and discomfort of enduring that sight."

"Too late for that…" Sammy whispers.

"That video is really the source of all of this," Brooklynn explained. "Everything. The way I've acted. The reason you guys shouldn't be friends with me and the reason I want to leave… The reason I should leave. I've done a horrible thing, Sammy. Something you can't understand… Something you shouldn't ever have to understand."

"But it wasn't your fault…"

"I'd rather not go into details, but it was stupid. It was a horrible mistake I made to get more popularity… It's not worth it. I've lost any chance at redemption. I've got no right to have friends, especially friends such as you guys. You guys are so pure and innocent. You've done nothing like this and I'd hate to see that innocence tainted by my presence. It's for your own benefit, Sammy. Please try to understand that. I know it hurts so much. It hurts me to think about what it must be like for you. But I know in the end it will be better. Better for you guys not to get dragged into my mess."

"That's not true at all!" Sammy says waveringly.

"It's like your breakup with Kenji," Brooklynn wrote. "It hurts and it sucks and you just want the pain to end, but you know in the end it will work out for the best. Because things are becoming toxic and you know something has to change. You're doing it out of love and pushing through the pain. I know it hurts, but trust me, you're better off without me."

"No…"

"I hope you have the strength to still stand for what you know is right. Please don't waver and do what you know is harmful no matter how much it hurts. You've always tried your best to stay true to what you know is good and right. It's inspiring, Sammy. Your example helped give me the strength to do what I know I needed to do."

"Your example helped give me…" she reads aloud, unable to believe it before a grieved, gut-wrenched wail is torn from her throat. She couldn't breathe with the heavy weight in her chest. The weight of those words. Her example. Her example! Sammy gave Brooklynn the strength to finally commit suicide! It was her! She convinced her to do it!

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry!" she laments. "I… I'm… sorry…"

Coughing a bit, she swallows all the drool and snot running down the back of her throat and shoves down the urge to sob again. She had to get through the letter.

"Don't blame yourself, Sammy, please," Brooklynn wrote.

A strangled squeak forces it's way out. How could she not?! How could she not blame herself for this?! It was her breakup with Kenji that gave Brooklynn the inspiration to do this! Her example encouraged her friend to end her life!

"I did this to you… I f***ing did this to you!" she shrieks. "You're gone because of my f***ing breakup! You're f***ing gone because… This f***ing… That son of b****... F***ing hell…"

Hyperventilating, she powers through. "Please, don't blame yourself," Brooklynn pleaded. "You didn't do anything. It was nothing you did. I did this to myself. I shouldn't have dragged you and the others into my life, but I couldn't really help it after we got stuck on the island. I'm sorry nonetheless. You don't deserve to go through all of this. What held me back several times was knowing the pain I'd put you guys through… I finally realized that my presence was making you suffer more.

"I love you, Sammy. I wish it didn't have to be this way. You're an amazing friend and you made my life so much better. It just wasn't enough. It's not you, you've never been the problem. My secrets and mistakes are just too big to solve. Please understand that. It's not you. It's me and I'm doing this because I don't want you guys to suffer any longer because of me. Please don't blame yourself. I know it hurts, but try to move on. Try to accept my death as a good thing. Accept it as the removal of a parasite. Or maybe see it as the beginning of a new season, and I just happen to not be there. Please try to see the light in this, Sammy. I love you. I wish I didn't have to do this and I'm so sorry."

Sammy drops the letter and balls her fists against her eyes. How could she see the light in this?! How could she just accept that Brooklynn was gone?! Brooklynn was wrong! They weren't better off without her! It wasn't her fault! She was delusional! She had been tricked into doing this… This wasn't the removal of a parasite, this was the violent tearing of a dear friend… A family member… A part of her life…

Her breath evens out and she silently weeps. There was nothing else to do but cry for her friend…

The car door opens and she instinctively begins to wipe away her tears, a sense of vulnerability rising up in her and making her feel ashamed… She'd never really felt that way about crying before…

"Hey, Sammy," Ben says softly, sliding into the truck next to her.

She stops wiping her tears, knowing it would be pointless… The little prick could see right through every act of hers and call her out on her facade…

"What are you doing?" he asks.

An angry sigh comes out before she could stop it. Giving in, she breaks her usual facade. "Not praying," she snaps. "Not standing in faith. Not believing that Brooklynn will come back! Not looking on the bright side and being joyful! Not seeing the good that will come out of this! Not being the positive one in the group! Not doing anything that I'm supposed to be doing because I have no hope! I'm slipping…"

"Slipping?" he questions.

"Backsliding… Questioning…" she rewords. "Just… Not being who I'm supposed to be… Losing hope and slipping from faith…"

"I think you're just tripping," Ben remarks. "Not slipping. Just stepping over an obstacle… A pretty big obstacle… Where do you think you're falling? Where are you hurting the most?"

She barks out a laugh and almost rants to him about why he shouldn't ask that. Brooklynn was dying! Why did he think she was falling?! But that wasn't his question… He meant to help her through her distressed state… He was asking something deeper…

"What do you mean?" she sniffs.

"What's the most challenging thing about this?" he asks.

"I'm losing my friend," Sammy coughs out, tears welling up again. "My sister…"

"Yeah, it sure feels like it," he agrees.

Guilt rises up, even though his words were in agreement. "I know I shouldn't be saying that…" she whimpers. "I know that's not 'in faith' but I… I don't think I have faith…"

"Why do you think you don't have faith?" he asks.

"I just don't understand why this is happening," she cries. "We've all been praying for her and believing so hard that she'll recover and she's just gotten worse! I don't understand… And she's just the main problem, there's other things happening that I don't understand… I've been praying God's will be done, but I'm not sure if I even want that anymore…"

"Do you know the will of God? That'd be a place to start," Ben suggests.

Sammy wipes her nose on her sleeve. "Sort of…"

Ben whips out a Bible, seemingly out of nowhere. She would've found it funny if the situation wasn't so grave. "Uhh…" he mutters, flipping through the pages. "1 Peter, 2:24: 'Who himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose stripes you were healed.'" The pages rustle as he flips through the book. "Matthew 8:17: 'He himself took our weaknesses and infirmities and bore away our diseases.' … Psalm 41:3: 'The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.' … Ooh, this is good. Psalm 147:3: 'He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.'"

"Do you have all these memorized?" she asks softly.

"Sort of," he shrugs vaguely. "And here we have John 14:27: 'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' And how about over in Matthew 11: 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'"

"What does that all mean for Brooklynn?" she asks wearily.

"In Matthew we see that Jesus took our weaknesses and sicknesses on the cross for us," Ben states. "In 1 Peter, we're healed by his stripes. In Psalms, it states that God will restore us to full health and that he heals the brokenhearted. Those are just a few examples, Sam. I could find many, many more verses that clearly show God's will is to heal us. And in John and Matthew, we see he gives us peace. Many, many more examples of that, too. God's will is for us to have peace."

"Okay," she sighs. "I know God's will is to heal and give us peace, so why is this all happening? Why is Brooklynn dying in the hospital? Why is she so tormented? Why are we so tormented? It doesn't look like God's will is being done."

"Cause God isn't the only one at work here, you know?" he reminds her. "Where is that verse… Mmm… I'll just google it… 'And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.'"

Sammy closes her eyes in defeat. That verse again…

"Free will is at work here," Ben continues. "God is always willing, but sometimes people aren't. Like with Brooklynn. God doesn't want her to be depressed and suicidal, but if she's refusing help… He won't magically fix everything if she's refusing help."

"Why won't he?" she asks, voicing the immature thoughts in her head. "Why can't he just take away free will? Why can't he just make everything better and make our decisions for us since he knows better?"

"What if God doesn't want you to marry Kenji?" he shrugs. "Want God to just do what he wants there? You have no say in the decision? You just marry whoever you're supposed to with no choice at all?"

"That's… different…" Sammy weakly tries to argue.

"God created man to fellowship with him," Ben sighs. "Kinda hard to truly fellowship with someone if you're controlling everything they do. It'd be like being friends with a robot… Asking a question, then programming the response you want. It would certainly be easier on everyone… But that's not a true relationship. He wants to fellowship with us… That's why we have free will. We have a choice on whether or not we listen to him and do what he says. You can choose who you want to marry regardless of what God thinks. You can choose how to live regardless of what he tells you. You have the freedom to do it… but you're not free of the consequences. The consequences of our own stupid actions are a big factor in the pain we deal with sometimes…"

"I know…" she whispers.

"And there's also spiritual opposition," he reminds her. "The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He comes to your mind, whispering lies and temptations. He tries to cause divides and chaos. He tries to mislead others around you. There are many different wills at play here."

"So Brooklynn's suffering because of Satan?"

"Ultimately… It started with that man in the video. He used his free will to do great, selfish evil and it affected her. She obviously took the event to heart and internalized the guilt. Blamed herself… Or maybe he gaslighted her… Despite everyone's efforts, she refused to give up that guilt and forgive him and herself. Now her free will is involved, too.

"And we have the Devil whispering in her mind, influencing her to end her life," he sighs. "Of her own free will, she chose to listen to that voice. The Devil just wants us out of God's will, Sam. He doesn't want us to be aligned with our Lord. He'll stop us in any way possible. He tried killing us with dinos, and it didn't work. So he fell back on deception. He started working his way into our minds and pitting us against each other. Trying to break us apart from God. For some, that wasn't difficult. Then he tried to break us apart from our friends and family because isolation makes our problems much more harder to deal with—"

"And I gave in?" she interrupts, her heart pausing in fear. "Had I been deceived? Had I stepped out of the will of God by breaking up with Kenji? Was I focusing on the wrong problem?"

"No, I think you heard right," he assures her. "I'd argue that staying together in the state you two were in would make things worse. You're not abandoning him, Sammy. You're just pulling back and saying the two of you can't be together romantically. And considering both your issues, that's probably more healthy than staying together and continuing down this path. Kenji wouldn't be okay even if you hadn't broken up with him. You guys have too many wounds to heal, and trying to date is just reopening them. Besides… The breakup has brought some other internal wounds of his into the light."

"Like what?" she asks.

"Long story," Ben sighs. "I'm not really here to talk about him. I'm here to talk about you."

"Shouldn't we be focusing on him if he's in trouble?" Sammy gulps. "Or Brooklynn? Really, shouldn't we be focusing on her?"

"God has her," Ben says softly. "There's nothing more that we can do for her other than pray. Right now, my job is to focus on you guys. Bring you guys together and help turn you away from ruin. That's what I've been trying to do for over a week…"

"Week?" Sammy hisses. "As in, you've known about this? Known…" She stops herself, realizing what she was accusing him of.

Heartbreakingly, Ben sighs. "Sort of…"

"Sort of?" she whispers, confused and hurt and angry. "What do you mean 'sort of?'"

"I've known… I knew she was set on killing herself," he sighs. "This seems sudden to everyone else… It's not. Not even two weeks ago, I could see it… She just… Brooklynn reached a point in her mind where there was no change. There was no changing her mind… I think she just came to a point where we could've done everything humanly possible and she'd still kill herself…"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Sammy whimpers, so many thoughts racing through her head. He knew? He knew?! And didn't say anything?!

"What would we have done?" he asks. "We all knew she was suicidal. We all knew she was thinking about it. We all smothered her with love and encouragement, and it wasn't doing anything… She was dead inside, Sammy… It's like… That night when we were hanging out, it… There was no life in her. She was already dead in her mind… She had already done it… In a way, this was the physical catching up with the mental…"

He shakes his head, tears threatening to spill. "Don't think for a second that I don't feel bad… About not saying more… I can't stop thinking about it… About what I could've done differently… But I honestly think there's nothing I could've done to change this. Nothing we all could've done."

He looks her dead in the eyes, and that wavering, uncertain look in his eyes was back. "What could we have done? Locked her up? Her and Yaz were already itching to escape us when we went overboarding protecting them. Put her in a mental facility? Have you heard the horror stories? She'd only get worse."

"We could've told her…" Sammy trails off, unable to think of something they didn't repeat fifteen thousand times a day…

"What would we have told her?" Ben asks, almost begging for an answer now. "That we loved her? That she's unique and special and there's nothing wrong with her? We've been saying that over and over again and it hasn't made a difference. Tell her we'd miss her? Guilt her into staying? She already feels like a horrible friend. I feel bad about not saying more…"

Ben shakes his head. "But I can't think of a single thing we could've done that would have prevented this. There was no human means by which we could change her mind… We could've prolonged this, maybe… But stop it? … If she didn't kill herself, I truly think she'd still die… Just… Let herself go… Or she'd fall sick and succumb to fatigue… You know how some people can survive the most impossible situations because of their strong will to live? It can work the same in reverse… With absolutely no will to live, I don't think there was a way to save Brooklynn…"

"You gave up?" Sammy blinks back tears.

"No, never," he shakes his head. "I never stopped trying to reach her… But… Seeing her heart… I tried to stop blaming myself… There's nothing I can do… And I felt overwhelmed and despaired that first night… How do you comprehend knowing your friend is dead and there's nothing you can do? Only she's not physically dead, but eventually, she'll succeed… I just reached a place where I knew God had her… He had always been reaching out to her. He gave her so many chances… And even though we can't reach her… Even though it's hopeless if we were to try… He's still there. And so I started focusing on the people I could save…

"You guys…" he whispers, almost inaudible. "You guys… We all start to blame ourselves for this… But there's nothing we could've done… And if we take the blame and the guilt to heart, we'll end up in the same position she was… I never stopped trying to reach her… I just realized that I couldn't do much for her… Only God could reach her… But you guys… You and the others needed to be reached… If she dies and you all blame yourselves, it will ruin you all… Just like it ruined her…"

Breaking down into tears again, Sammy accepts his embrace. He holds her tightly as she cries her heart out. "I want her back," she hiccups, crying onto his shoulder. "I wish we could've done more…"

Forgetting about keeping up her face in front of others, she lets it all down. "Had I not done enough?" she asks. "Did I not do enough for her? Have I failed her? Did I not do what I was supposed to do?"

"What does it matter?" Ben asks. "Does it affect how much God loves you?"

"I feel like I didn't do enough…" she sniffs, stuttering on. "To help her. To stop her from doing this. Didn't see what was happening to her until it was too late…"

"What more could you have done?" he questions. "She was given so many chances to be pulled out and helped. Not just by us. By her family. Friends. Peers. People at school. Her therapist. We kept a diligent eye on her. It was one slip up after another that led to a perfect storm, creating an opportunity that she took. Everyone was reaching out. Every angle was taken to reach her. The thing is, it's very hard to help someone if they don't want to be saved. If someone's drowning, you can throw them a lifesaver, but if they don't take it, what more can you do? Swim out there and try to drag them back? They could drown you with them if they fight you. Or if someone decides to walk on hot coals, you can call to them to come back, but if they don't listen, what can you do? You could try to walk out and grab them, but you'll burn yourself, too."

"I know," she cries painfully. "I know… I still… I still can't… I know she reached a point where God only knows how to help her… But before that… What if there was something that we could've done then… What if I didn't do it…"

"Even so, it doesn't have to destroy everything," Ben whispers. "God works around and with human mistakes. Always has. We're kind of notorious for jumping the gun and doing things our way. Even still, God works all things for those who are submitting to his will. Even if you didn't say the right thing at the right time or made a mistake, there's still other factors. There's still a spiritual war going on… And Brooklynn has the power to refuse help regardless of whether or not you made a mistake…"

"Don't you see?" he holds her shoulders, begging her to understand. "Don't you see how many people have reached out to her? And it didn't make a difference? She decided the world would be better off without her. She convinced herself this was the only way. None of us were able to change her mind. Why do you get credit for her mindset?"

"I don't know…" she sniffs. "I don't know why it's so hard to let this go…"

He hums thoughtfully. "Does what you do affect how much God loves you?"

She blinks back tears. "Why? … Why are you asking this?"

"I want to know that you'll be in a sturdy place," Ben says. "I want to know that you'll be okay. Because I've seen you feel the need to make up for your mistake with Mantah Corp. And I've seen you buy into the idea that you need to change yourself to receive love. That you have to be happy and positive all the time, otherwise no one will love you. That you can't ever let your real feelings out and you have to work for love. Yes—" he holds up a finger as she starts to protest, "—that's a works mentality. You're working to earn love. You've pressured yourself to never show any negative emotions because you're scared of losing us. Of hurting us and pushing us away."

Sammy swallows her tears, shocked but not surprised by him completely calling her out.

"You feel the need to work for our love," he states plainly. "You work to keep it by keeping up a face and not showing how you truly feel sometimes. And yeah… what I'm talking about is directed at us. Me and the others and your family. But maybe… Maybe you've subtly imposed those ideas upon God? Maybe you've internalized the idea that you must be the perfect Christian, otherwise God won't love you?"

"His love is unconditional…" she blubbers softly.

"But when bad things happen, you're asking what you did wrong," he points out. "Like this is punishment for something you did."

Sammy chokes back a sob and leans on his shoulder. Why'd he have to hit her with everything she had been feeling, as if it were written on her face…

Ben pulls her into another hug. "God's not mad at you," he whispers. "He's not blaming you for Brooklynn's suicide or Kenji's problems. You don't have to earn his love. It's unconditional and unmerited. You can't earn it. No one can. You can't do anything to earn it, you know?"

She nods.

"So if you can't earn it by your actions, why would you lose it by your actions?" he murmurs. "I know you were a rebound for some guys… You were mistreated, and you took it to heart more than you would like to admit to yourself. You took what you did with Mantah Corp to heart, too… And maybe we unintentionally contributed, too. But know this: God doesn't see you that way. You're not second choice. You're not rebound. You're not one step away from destroying everyone you love. You're his daughter, Sam… And he loves you. You don't have to earn that love. You don't have to work for it. You can't. It's not going to change how God sees you."

"I know…" she cries.

"Do you?" he asks, rubbing her back.

"I… I'm struggling to believe it…" she admits.

Ben pulls out a list of verses and hands it to her. "Meditate on these. Let them sink into your heart and become real to you. Let it be true revelation so that no one can take it away from you."

Taking the list and wiping away her tears, she asks, "Shouldn't… Shouldn't I be praying for Brooklynn?"

"I think you're in enough trouble of your own," he smiles sadly. "Not saying you can't pray. Just… Maybe if Scripture comes alive to you, it'll be easier to pray for Brooklynn."

Sammy nods.

"God's got her," he gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Just spend some time reading these and asking God to show you his love."

With that, Ben exists the truck and with a bit of urgency in his step, heads back to the hospital.

---

"God, please make this real to me," Sammy thinks, rubbing the sides of her forehead. "Show me that you love me… Help me actually understand and believe it."

She closes Ben's Bible and sighs. Ten minutes of reading and rereading the verses he suggested… Not much had changed. She was at a place where she might be able to fool herself into thinking she believed it… But it was all in her head. She knew the facts. She knew what Ben believed. She knew what she was supposed to believe. And she believed it in her head, but it wasn't… wasn't real… It was a fact, but it wasn't real… She found it frustrating.

"I'm trying," she says in her head. "I'm trying to believe it. I WANT to believe it… Bring it alive in me, God… If I ever needed you, it's now… I'm open… It just hasn't sunken in… yet…"

Opening the book again, she flips to a verse Ben had spoken about earlier. She kept coming back to it. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

She half laughs, half sighs. "So it says… We're all brokenhearted. We're all wounded. What do we have to do to have our wounds binded up?"

"Here I go again… trying to work for it…"

"But nothing's happening… He's healed me… The Bible says God's will is to heal. He does this. He wants to do it. Something's preventing it…"

"I'm trying to work for a miracle… Trying to make God move… I haven't learned anything…"

"God, I…" she whispers. "I don't know what to do… I don't know where I'm getting this wrong… Am I trying too hard? Am I not doing the right things? Should I be moving? Should I be waiting for an answer? Acting in faith?"

She holds her head in her hands. "What do I need to do… I just… I can't see your whole plan… And I don't care about that right now… I just need to see the next step… Not the whole staircase, just the next step… What do you want me to do now?"

A few moments later, her mother opens the truck door and sticks her head in. "Hey, Miss Anita's here if you want to talk to her."

Sammy's silent for a few seconds. The therapist… Why not? She had no other ideas. "Yeah… I'll talk to her."

Her mother helps her into her wheelchair and guides her daughter over to the therapist. Miss Anita was sitting on the curb in the back of the parking lot. Darius was sitting next to her, his head in his hands. He was shaking, almost uncontrollably.

Her first instinct is to recompose herself. Pull her emotions together. Get all the words together. "God's got this." "God is in control." "It's going to be okay." "She's not gone yet, there's still hope."

Not a single word came out before Darius went off. "Stop!" he snaps, throwing his hand out. "Just don't! I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear you pretending it's going to be okay and everyone's going to be fine! No one's okay! Brooklynn's not doing better! There's nothing we can do to save her…"

The burst of energy dissipates as soon as it comes. "Just stop pretending…"

"Darius, she didn't say anything," Miss Anita says softly.

"But she always does…" he sniffs. "I'm sorry, Sammy… It just feels so fake sometimes… Cause you don't even fully believe it yourself… You're just saying it to make me feel better and it doesn't cause I know you don't believe it yourself…"

His shoulders tremble as he breaks down again.

"She just wants to comfort you and help out in any way she can," the therapist insists, rubbing his back.

Sammy's mother rubs her daughter's shoulder. "He doesn't mean it," she whispers in her daughter's ear.

Sammy gently pushes her away. Her mother was wrong… Darius was right… How could she try to encourage him with something she was wrestling with herself? It was hypocritical. She was lying in a way. She needed to be called out like that…

"But how can I comfort him then?" she asks herself. "What do I say? I have no more words… Everything I'd say I'm questioning myself… God, what do I do if I don't have the words to encourage him? How would I encourage him?"

"I will give you words."

Her trembling quells slightly. There she went again… Trying to help her friends on her own… With her own strength and words… Well… She was without words… There was nothing else for her to say…

"Give me the words…" she prays. "Give me what you want him to know."

"Why did this happen?" Darius breaks the silence. "Why would God let this happen? If it's not my fault… then it's God's… And if it's not God's fault… then who's is it?"

With nothing but faith that what she was saying was divine, Sammy answers first. "The devil. That guy. Leah…" She bites her lip, not wanting to say the next thing… But she had a feeling she should… It was trying to come out. "Brooklynn…"

Darius lifts his head and stares at her in shock, unable to believe she'd suggest that Brooklynn was at fault.

"No one forced her to take those pills, Darius," Sammy reminds him gently. "She did that of her own free will."

"She was out of her mind," Darius insists. "She wasn't thinking straight."

"But she still chose to do so," she says softly. "As mental as she became, she still had a choice. Nobody forced her to do it."

"Before this," he backtracks. "Before she tried. We should've helped her. We could've helped her."

"And we tried," she reminds him. "Day after day in so many different ways. If she's not responding to our outstretched hands, it's very hard to save her. She made up her mind that she couldn't be saved. She wasn't going to change her mind."

"We could've done something," Darius insists, shaking.

"She gave up, Darius," Sammy says softly, hands shaking as she said it. "She was already dead in a way… The doctor's can resurrect her and bring her back to good health, but if her mindset isn't changed, would it fix anything?"

"It would give us another chance," he hisses desperately.

"To do what? What would you do differently?" she asks.

Darius exhales sharply, looking everywhere but her eyes. He was close to hyperventilating. "I… I don't know…"

"We tried it all," Sammy sighs. "What more could we say? What more could we do? How else could we communicate to her that she didn't have to do that? She was convinced… Convinced this was the best thing for us…"

Brooklynn's goodbye letter resurfaces and brings her to tears. "She thought she was a horrible person and that we'd all be better off without her," she sniffs. "There wasn't… I don't think there was any changing her mind. Our words and actions didn't change how she felt. I… If the doctors brought her back to life, right now… Rehabilitated her… I think she'd end her life the next chance she got… Or run away… Darius, if her mindset doesn't change, we're only delaying the inevitable."

"Is she unsavable?" Darius spits, accusatory.

Softly exhaling, she says, "By human means, at least. Maybe we could've gotten through in the beginning… But she spiraled into guilt, I guess… In her twisted mind, she was a disease to us. A cancer… She had convinced herself that she was doing this for our own good. How do you convince her otherwise? How do you change her mind? I think only God can at this point…"

"So where is he?" he cries. "Why hasn't God tried to help her?! Why did he let her get to this point?!"

"He has offered help," she reminds him. "Every time we asked her if she was okay. Every time we urged her to open up about what was bothering her. Every time someone came across her path offering help. How many other people beyond us and our families offered help? Offered a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear? God moves through humans. He's offered her so many chances, Darius. But she has to take them. She has to accept the help."

"Why… Why?!" he snaps, getting up and pacing in front of her. "Why is it up to her?! Why does God have to wait for her to accept?! Why can't he just take her depression away?!"

The words came out before she could even process them. There was a thought, then words. "Cast all your worries on him, because he cares about you," she regurgitates. "Why are you worried? God cares. He doesn't want you to worry."

Sammy practically shrinks back as Darius barely holds back his anger. "Because my friend is dying!" he shouts.

She wants to bite her tongue out of fear of him, but a small voice stops her. "You are safe. Say it."

"God doesn't want you to worry and fear," she repeats.

Pained, Darius scoffs. "Then why won't he take it away? Just tell him to take it away!"

"You're not casting it on him," she murmurs softly.

A flashback to her childhood comes. She had been playing in the barn with her siblings and fell, receiving a splinter in her little pointer finger. Sammy had run to the house, crying to her parents. Her father knelt down before her as she cried. "Papá, booboo!" she cried, holding her finger tightly to her chest.

"Let Papá see," he said gently, trying to gently take her injured hand.

Sammy cried and struggled, holding her hand to her chest, clasping it tightly. "Let Papá help," he said again, holding out his hand.

Still, she struggled.

"Papá can't fix your booboo if you're holding it, Sammy," he said.

Sniffling, she slowly extended her hand out to him. Taking a pair of tweezers from his wife, her father pulled out the splinter. Sammy calmed down and watched curiously as he wrapped it in a bandaid. "See, all better," he said, giving her finger a kiss.

"What does that mean? Casting it on him?" Darius asks as Miss Anita gently grabs his shoulder and pulls him back. Sammy's mother moved in between them as well.

It clicked. It truly was like a little lightbulb went off in her head. It was a moment of "How did I not get this before?" That visual changed her whole perspective. "Giving it to him," she explains. "Like a fishing line. Cast your line out. Throw your worries at him. Give it to him. God wants to take away our problems, but it's hard if you're clinging to them."

"What?" Darius whispers, not comprehending.

"Brooklynn refused to give up her guilt and depression," Sammy said. "She didn't like it, and it hurt. But she didn't give it up. She held onto it, despite how much pain it caused. It's like… as much as it hurt, she was afraid of giving it up. Like she felt she deserved it for what happened to her. And so as much as she hated it, she clung to it and refused to give it up."

He shakes his head, not believing it.

"You and Yaz and Kenji refuse to give up your guilt," she continues. "You're worried and upset because you blame yourselves for what happened. God doesn't want you to be in this state of mind, but you won't give up the guilt. You cling to the guilt. You take it and make it your own. You justify why you should have it. There is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ."

Her voice becomes stronger; the trembling is gone. "You don't have to be condemned and feel guilty. God doesn't want you to feel guilty. But you won't let it go, Darius. That's why you can't feel at peace. You refuse to give God the thing causing you pain."

Tears spill out. He was trying to deny it in his head…

"I refused to give up my self righteousness," Sammy candorly admits. "I thought I could prove myself to God as if I could earn his love. I thought I could be good enough to run my life and fix things… I thought I was good enough to help you guys… And with self righteousness and pride comes anxiety. Worry. Insecurities. Because if you can't do everything yourself, who do you have to lean on? Other people? Then you're worried about losing them. I haven't been at peace because Sammy was the one at the center of my world… And she can't… She can't do it all. She can't save herself. She can't be happy enough or positive enough to make it through this world."

"Sammy…" he starts, trailing off.

"God doesn't want Brooklynn to die," she says. "He wants her to be saved. He's already done it. Jesus died for her. All she has to do is believe. God's done his part already. She has to do her part. If she doesn't want to surrender to him and accept his gift, then what else can he do? He's not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. You… You can throw a drowning person a lifesaver, but if they don't take it up, what can you do? You can swim out to grab them, but if they struggle, they might drown both of you. Or if someone was walking on burning coals. You could go out, burn your own feet, and pull them back, but if they don't want to be saved, they'll run right back out."

Sobbing, Darius weakly slumps to the ground, giving up in a way. Miss Anita crouches down to comfort him. After checking to make sure her daughter was okay, Mrs. Gutierrez sits next to him, too.

Sammy let them take care of him. She had done her part. Her mind was still catching up to her revelation. Somewhere along the line, she had lost sight of this. Somewhere along her journey, she had lost trust or faith. She had become prideful. She had taken her eyes off of God. Somehow, she had grown cold to God's love… And without love, she became fearful. She placed her faith and security in other things. Her friends… Her boyfriend… Her own abilities to be happy and positive… Like the others, she took on guilt and condemnation for her actions. She took what other people had done to her and let it find a place in her heart… And so she found it hard to accept love without proving it…

She had been trying to fix her life on her own… Pull herself together in hopes maybe God would love her… But she had gotten the process reversed… He wanted her to come to him with her mess and he would help her turn it into something beautiful… God already loved her… She had just turned her focus away from him… That's why even when she did what he was telling her to do, it still hurt… She still worried… Because she wasn't completely trusting him… She wasn't sure what his intentions were…

That's why she partially blamed herself for Brooklynn's death. She had placed Brooklynn above God sometimes. She had been trying everything in her own power to save her friend… And it did no good… Sammy felt she had failed her friend…

She had come to the end of herself. There was nothing she could do for her friend. There was nothing she could do for herself. There was only one being she could trust to run her life and… it was freeing. She didn't have to worry about what would happen. Not when her Heavenly Father had only the best in mind for her.

Exhaling, letting a weight off her chest, she holds out her hand, like she did when she was little and had hurt herself. "You heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds," she prays silently. "I'm letting go. I'm giving my wounds to you. I give Brooklynn to you. I give Darius to you. I give Kenji to you. I give Yaz and Ben to you. I give my heart and life to you. Thy will be done."

She smiles, truly knowing the weight of that phrase. She truly knew what she was saying. And she was ready to surrender her will. She desired only what God desired for her now. She hadn't felt so free in so long…

"Give him a hug," a thought comes as she watches Darius weep on the sidewalk.

With faith renewed, she wheels forward to do so.

---

Outro note: Next chapter belongs to Kenji Kon.

Chapter name: Love Is Gone.

Release date: May 1st, at 7:00 Am, est. I should be done with it by that time. (One would hope anyway)