Author's Note: Please be aware that due to the overwhelming popularity of Pilot 2, this will be a continuation of said pilot.
Chapter 1: An Unexpected Wild Card
Vaggie had seen many incredulous things in her life, most recent was seeing the exterminators, Adam, Lute, and Archangel Michelle having their asses handed to 'em on a silver platter only a few hours ago. This was another. And honestly, Vaggie was, in a word, disgusted.
It wasn't like Naruto didn't have any manners when it came to eating, oh, they weren't the greatest but she had seen way, way worse - Adam for one, especially when it came to eating ribs - it had more to do with the fact that he ate a lot. And by a lot, she meant he pretty much had a black hole where his stomach should be. Sixty-seven ramen noodles cups had come and gone and Naruto was finishing number sixty-eight. Were he a hellborn demon he'd fit right in as an inhabitant of the Glutony Ring.
"Phew! I'm stuffed," Naruto declared.
"You, uh, ain't worried all that shit's gonna ruin your figure?" Angel didn't want to lose the eye candy.
"Nah! This is nothing. My wife could eat about twenty cups more and she kept her figure," and that was a mystery he'd never been able to solve. Nor a battle he had ever been able to win.
"And what figure was that? Pillsbury Doughboy?"
Naruto blinked, "...I have no idea what that means."
Angel said nothing, it wasn't fun if he had to explain the joke.
"You're married?" color Vaggie surprised.
"Widowed," Naruto revealed, and Vaggie winced. Nice one on her part, "We were together for a little over a century before she passed."
"...Uh...what?" Husk thought he heard wrong.
"You were a hundred years old?" Vaggie skeptically looked him up and down, not believing it given how he looked. When you came to hell, your appearance reflected the age from when you died, most of the time.
"Mom's family had very, very good genes," and it was true as the oldest Uzumaki from what he learned had lived to be a little over two centuries old, and that had been during the Era of Warring States.
In Hinata's case, it had been thanks to a combination of seals and his unique powers that allowed her to retain the youth and vitality of a person well below half her age. But even that had its limits and she had peacefully passed away in her sleep at the age of a hundred and thirty-two, making her the oldest living Hyuga in history. Naruto had mourned her for well over three years before he felt ready to move on, never forgetting her and honoring her on the anniversary of her death and the day they married.
Naruto had never remarried, long-lived though he was he had no way of knowing how much time he had left, and knowing the pain of losing a spouse he had no intention of putting another through that. But he did have the odd fling every now and then, though it was mostly physical and more friends with benefits than truly romantic. And sure enough, he passed a little over thirty years later.
"I call bullshit," said Angel. Sure, he could believe humans had good genes but not that good.
Naruto merely shrugged, not all concerned if they believed him or not.
"So, Angelslayer," Husk began, "What's your story anyway?"
"You mean why I'm in Hell?"
"No, I mean why you're blond," was the sarcastic reply.
"Oh, well, my dad had blond hair-"
"You're fucking with me aren't you?"
"You served, I volleyed," Naruto quipped.
"Smart ass," Husk muttered.
"Ha! He got ya good, Whiskers!" Angel taunted.
"Call me Whiskers one more time and I'll jam this beer bottle down your throat!" Husk threatened.
"Kinky! Come on, keep talking dirty."
"Are they always like this?" Naruto asked, a little weirded out.
"No. It's usually more violent," Niffty laughed, popping up beside him.
"Ah! We're gonna need to get you a bell, missy," Niffty's stealth was pretty damn good.
"How about a brand instead?" Niffty asked with a deranged grin.
Naruto wisely backed the fuck up, unnerved by her behavior. And he thought Orochimaru was a deranged nut.
"So, spill," Husk asked once more.
"Short version. I was an orphan. I was raised to be a ninja. I became one. Fought to defend my home. Fought a bunch of powerful people. Fought a demi-god, and then a god. Fought in wars. Won said wars. Married. Had kids. Became a grandfather, a great-grandfather, and then a great, great-grandfather. I died and then I woke up here. Oh, and I befriended a walking calamity with an attitude problem and a short fuse," Naruto was curious to know what happened to Kurama when he passed.
Technically speaking the two were separated when the seal was torn off but Kurama remained inside him nonetheless and from what Naruto remembered the crouchy old bastard stayed with him 'till the end. Not like the death of a Biju was a permanent thing anyway. But given the circumstances of his reincarnation in Hell, Naruto wondered if part of Kurama also joined him or if it was merely his power and Old Man Sage. It was confusing, to be honest
"...Look if you don't wanna tell us just say so instead of making up bullshit," Husk told him, "Fought a god. Pfft. Good one."
Again, Naruto didn't care if they believed him or not. The old young cocky little shit that he was would have but Naruto had matured since then.
"Aaaaaah! Who switched my coke with itching powder? Oh, God, it burns!"
Well, for the most part.
"Drugs are bad," Naruto told the pornstar.
"I'll fucking kill ya!"
"I'd pay to see that ass-kicking," Husk loved making easy money.
"Fuck you, Whiskers!" Husk pounced on the spider-like demon, a beer bottle in hand to go through with his previous threat.
Just another day at the Hazbin Hotel.
"Oww! Fuck that hurts. Eeek! Watch it will ya!?" Adam complained as the angels around him treated his injuries. He honestly couldn't remember how long it had been since he was this seriously hurt, "Yeow!"
"I didn't touch anything," said the nurse.
"Are you calling Sir Adam a liar?!" Lute asked the angel in question, she was in even worse shape than her leader, "Are you!"
"Will you both shut up," came the command of Michelle, and both lower-class angels wisely closed their mouths. She was the only one of the trio who looked in tip-top shape, except for the bandage around her stomach, and even then that was superficial. An archangel could heal a heck of a lot more quickly than any other class of angel. A perk of being among Heaven's firstborn.
"But Lady Michel-mmmhmmm," Lute moved her mouth but her lips wouldn't open and her words were incomprehensible. Adam was the same.
"That's better," Michelle looked smug but winced at the flare from her wound. Minor though it was it stung like a bitch. A sensation she had not felt since the last time her Father spanked her during the early days. Michelle had wanted to go back into Hell, both to retrieve her sword and to continue fighting but when the remaining exterminators came back the Heavenly Gate was closed, and once closed not even she could open it despite her power. The Heavenly Gate could only be opened by Gabriel's Trumpet and said instrument that heralded Judgement Day, or Extermination Day as it was called, could only be used by one whom Gabriel authorized to use it.
Only Gabriel could overrule its power. And Michelle wasn't the greatest at creating teleports either. She was many things, but a proficient weaver of divine energy relating to things outside of combat - except for some of the more basic spells, and even that was hit and miss - was not. Give her a war, a battle, heck, even a bar brawl and she was good to go. Heck, give her cooking utensils and she could make a feast that was to die for. But ask her to make a portal, well, one would be lucky not to find themselves in a galaxy far, far away. Or the Void.
...Where was she going with this again? Oh, right. The gorgeous hunk that sent her heart and body soaring like Superman on crack.
Luci, the little bitch, refused to talk to her when Gabe reached out to their fallen sibling. Then again, the little shit had a right to be scared of his big badass sister. But it also meant she wasn't able to find out whom she fought, too.
She'd get him back for that later.
"Lady Sera," Michelle heard an angel say, and glanced at the High Seraphim, her little assistant nowhere to be found.
"Dismissed!" Sera ordered the other angels and none objected as they left the room, "What happened?!"
"Mmhmm mhmhhhmhgaahh!"
Sera merely glanced at Michelle, "My Lady, if you wouldn't mind," the High Seraphim, knowing her place in the hierarchy of Heaven, asked instead of commanding. Archangels were second only to God himself, and given dear old Dad had gone on vacation some time ago - give or take a century - it meant she and her remaining siblings were pretty much in charge of Heaven, though it was mostly their sister Urielle who did the pencil pushing.
"You sure about that?" Michelle asked.
"Much as I am not a fan of Adam and Lute's vulgarity, given what happened today, I must hear what they have to say," especially when a portion of Heaven was damaged when that sphere blew up. Thankfully, no one was killed due to the protective cloak Michelle managed to conjure in the nick of time, though some had been injured nonetheless. The explosion had been massive.
Shrugging, Michelle did as requested.
"Oh, sweet fucking air," Adam breathed in, "Sera, look, it's like this-"
"Give me one reason why I should allow this to continue," Sera interrupted. First Man and a favorite of God or not, Adam was still an angel. A powerful one to be certain, but Sera's authority was greater than his own.
"Uh, what?"
"Why. should. I. allow. Extermination. Day. to. go. on!" oh, shit she was pissed, Adam realized.
"Your Highness! It wasn't our fault! It was a filthy demon that did this! A powerful one," Lute explained.
Sera narrowed her eyes but allowed them to elaborate, "Go on."
"See, everything was going smoothly. A dead demon here another dead demon there, as per uge," Sera narrowed her eyes even further and so Adam cut to the chase, "Next thing we know, I find my gals dead on the ground. And then this blond fuck starts pelting us with their heads! I go after him-"
"And then got bitch slapped into the ground," Michelle spoke.
"You saw that?"
"Saw it? I recorded it," Michelle laughed.
"Oh, come on!"
"Focus," Sera ordered.
"This demon is nothing like we've ever seen before. And his power," Lute shook as she began recollecting, "I've never felt something quite like it."
"He was so manly," Michelle gushed like a schoolgirl, her hands on he cheeks, not realizing she said that out loud and ignorant of the bewildered looks directed at her.
"DA FUCK!"
(Hours Later)
"So, what do you think?" Alastor asked when the commercial ended.
"...I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?!" Vaggie exclaimed, pissed at what she just saw.
"What are they talking about?" Naruto asked Husk.
"Princess Daddy Issues is trying to convince sinners to stay here in the hopes of getting 'em into Heaven with rehabilitation. Pretty pointless if ya ask me," Husk informed the blond.
"What's so wrong about that? Sounds noble if you ask me."
"Noble and idiocy are part of the same fucking coin. Either way, it can't be done. No sinner has ever gotten into Heaven. It's a rigged game. Once you're down here, you're stuck here. Better get used to it and make your peace with it cuz you ain't going nowhere unless you die. It's an impossible dream," Husk told him.
Naruto merely smiled, "In my experience, it's only impossible if you give up. Otherwise, even if there's only a small chance of success, it's still possible."
Husk merely rolled his eyes at the sappyness of it all. Now there were two of 'em. Just great.
"By the way, what's with Mr. Creepy Smile?" or as Naruto heard Angel call Alastor at times, the Strawberry Pimp.
"You really are new here aren't ya," that or he was being fucked with, or the blond was an idiot.
"Like I said, I just got here a few weeks ago," again, Naruto had no idea why.
"Just do yourself a favor. Don't piss him off and don't make any deals with him. Trust me you'll regret it," the last thing Husk wanted was someone as powerful as Naruto under Alastor's control. No matter how powerful you were, if someone owned your soul, you were their bitch.
The former overlord knew that all too well.
"That didn't answer my question," Naruto deadpanned.
"Do I look like a fucking stenographer?"
Before Naruto could retort, both he and Husk were distracted by a loud, "What!" that came from Vaggie.
"If'n you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?"
"Angel, you're a porn star."
"A famous porn star, I'll have the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in."
"We are not filming a porn as a commercial," Naruto was fairly certain the word porno is she meant to say because that sentence didn't make sense.
"Why not? Sex sells don't it? I swear if you film me going at it with Mr. Fancy Talk Creepy Voice here, or better yet the Nine-Tailed Stud, you'd be rolling in participants willing to stay at this tacky hotel," Angel offered.
Alastor laughed derisively, "Ha, ha. Never going to happen."
"And, once again, I'M NOT GAY!" that kiss with Sasuke did not count!
"Hey, I ain't straight but I'll sleep with women if ya pay me enough, and give me a fluffer to get me going," Angel Dust revealed.
"Angel, I appreciate you wanting to use your special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but I, uh, really don't want to exploit you ... in that way."
"Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity. Ho, ho! I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes, the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits. This guy knows what I'm talking about!" Angel pointed at Naruto. Said blond's eye was starting to twitch and he looked ready to beat the living snot out of the so-called famous porn star.
"Yeah, but-" Feeling her phone vibrate and seeing the caller ID, Charlie excused herself, "Hold that thought! I'll be right back."
"Take your time! I can go all night, baby!"
"Is he still bragging?" on more than one account.
"I dunno, wanna find out first hand, Blondie?" Angel wiggled his eyebrows.
"First and foremost: NOT. GAY!" Naruto declared once again, "Second, my record is thirty-one hours and fifty-two minutes," he could have gone on but there was only so much Hinata could take even with his powers.
"Bullshit!" no way in Hell did Angel believe a word of that.
"I killed an army of exterminators, bitch slapped their leaders into tasting pavement, and kicked an Archangel's ass, and yet somehow this you find hard to believe?"
Angel Dust made to retort but couldn't come up with anything good and merely huffed, a fact Vaggie greatly relished, "Fine. Question though. If yous twos are so powerful why can't you and Mr Freaky Talk just make people stay here? You know. Help this place out?"
"Oh, trust me, I can," was Alastor's devious reply, and before Naruto could reply, Husk cut in.
"Why do you think I'm here? You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he wasn't forcing me?"
"I like being forced!"
"Keep that to yourself, Nif."
"Okay, that's enough crazy I can take for one day! Imma go take a walk," Naruto informed them.
"Wouldn't do that if I was yous," Angel Dust stopped him, "You're hot stuff, and by that, I mean yer sexy as fuck, and the talk of the town."
"Our sailor-mouthed resident does speak the truth. You'll be fortunate enough to make it a single block before finding yourself cajoled by the masses," Alastor added.
"I can take care of myself," Naruto waved off.
"Uh, now that I tink about it, why's this place so empty anyway? I mean, you'd figger every lowlife and player out there would want a piece o' dis guy. So why hasn't any of 'em broken down the doors to see him?"
As far as questions went, Vaggie had to admit, not out loud, that it was actually one of Angel's more insightful ones.
"Oho, my dear boy. When one sees an overlord walking down the street many flee for their lives. And this strapping specimen is clearly more powerful," Alastor explained.
"Yeah, I get dat. But why ain't the other overlords wanting to get on his good side? Fuck, why aren't sinners looking to throw themselves at him?" sinners either worked for an overlord either for protection and access to luxuries or to because said demons owed their souls or both.
"Henge (Transformation)!"
Everyone, and a returned Charlie included, watched as Naruto was covered in smoke before it revealed a crimson, short-haired woman who wore an old-style battle-yukata towered over even Angel. The whisker marks were gone along with the fox ears, though the ears she had were small they were sharp and elf-like. Her bust was damn noticeable, too, though nowhere as big as Tsunade's.
"Does that answer your question?" Naruto revealed, his voice now soft and feminine.
...
...
...
"What?"
"You can change your appearance?"
"Yeah? So?"
"It's a very rare skill to have," Charlie said. Sure, any demon could change from their base form to their full demon form, but only the more powerful demons were able to alter their appearance such as shifting from their base to something else but it was flawed as many characteristics remained and one could put two and two together.
"Kinky as hell though. Can you only do women?" Angel Dust asked, and then blinked as Naruto changed once more into the spider demon's exact likeness, "Da fuck!?"
"What's a madder? Don't I look drop-dead gorgeous?" Angel's like alike sounded like him, acted like him, and looked like him.
"Is it wrong dat I'm so turned on right now?"
"Gross!"
Poof!
"Well, I feel dirty," Naruto now took the form of Alastor, he wasn't gonna turn into Angel any time soon after that comment, the voice was hard to pull off though.
"Kindly revert back. There's only room for one Radio Demon!" Alastor said, the space around him distorting, his teeth remaining shut and his lips unmoving as he spoke.
"Isn't it polite to say 'please' when we ask for something? Good manners and all," said the Alastor look alike, his eyes radiating a power that the original lacked.
Alastor merely continued to smile but acquiesced, "Please, if you don't mind."
"Okay!" with an audible 'Poof!' Naruto was back as once was and massaged his throat, "Gotta ask, how do you do that with your voice? It's hard on the throat."
"Trade secret, my boy," Alastor explained, back to his gentleman-like self.
"Okay! Before we go too far, I have an announcement~" Charlie sang, recovering from the revelations she had just witnessed.
"You realized dis whole ting is stupid and moving on with yer life?" Angel Dust guessed.
"Uh, no."
"You're ordering better booze?" Husk hope to fuck the answer was yes.
"Not with our budget, no."
"Roach puppet shows where they stab each other to death as their motherbugs watch!?" Niffty declared with a demented cackle. Everyone closest to the cyclopean demon backed away from her.
"What the fu-"
"More ramen?"
"NO! My dad called!" Charlie revealed.
"...So?" Angel didn't see how that was a big deal.
"So, the leaders of the angel army want to meet! And he wants me to go in his place! Don't you see? This is my big chance!"
"Are you nuts!? Wait, dumb question. You are nuts. Mr. Crimson Avenger there," Naruto liked the sound of his nickname, "offed a bunch 'o their exorcists and beat the livin' snot outta their bosses. And now they wanna meet? Anyone wit a brain knows this is a trap," and given he came from a mafia background, both as a human and demon, Angel knew a set up when heard one.
"Angel's right, Charlie. The Extermination ended only a few hours ago and that's because Naruto forced them to flee for the first time in history, by himself. No one's ever killed an exorcist before and he did it like it was nothing. Why would they want to meet?" Vaggie loved her girlfriend, but her optimism was getting the best of her common sense.
"Guys, I know how risky this sounds. But I have to try. Besides, dad said Heaven wanted to negotiate a deal," Charlie revealed.
"A deal, my dear?" Alastor asked.
"Yeah, don't know the specifics but dad wants me to find out what it is and get back to him. And, while I'm at it, I can try and convince them to accept my idea!"
"Don't you think it's a little soon to-"
"~I can do this~Somehow I know it~"
Naruto blinked, "Uh, what's going on now? Why she singing?"
"Ugh, it's dis thing she does apparently. Don't ask," Angel laughed as Charlie sang her song.
Naruto was starting to wonder just what the hell he had gotten himself into.
"So, do you always sing and dance?" Naruto asked, disguised as his female crimson-haired form.
"Yeah, pretty much. You should try it," Charlie gushed.
"Not a chance," doing a musical number was not, nor will it ever be Naruto's thing.
"I bet I can convince you otherwise~" Charlie sang.
"Let's stick with you trying to get your hotel project off the ground and see what they want first kiddo," Naruto advised, coming along just in case things went south.
"Oh, right. Well, here goes...Why's there a hole?...Oh, riiiight," Charlie recalled.
Naruto merely shrugged. Not his fault the building wasn't sturdy enough. Or in the way.
As they entered the Heaven Embassy, the gold color shining so bright that it was almost blinding, Charlie's voice echoed as she looked for anyone, finding only a service bell that summoned a floating sign-in sheet to suddenly appear before her upon ringing it.
"Okay, creepy," Charlie signed nonetheless and watched as the flying parchment went towards Naruto.
The blond had no intention of signing and tried walking past it but blocked his path each way he went until he grabbed the damn thing and crumbled it up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder where it lay still on the ground. At Charlie's questioning look, Naruto simply shrugged and both moved on to a door that suddenly opened and led to what appeared to be a darkened conference room.
"Hello? Is anyone here?"
"'Sup!"
"Holy shit!" Charlie exclaimed.
Naruto's eyes narrowed a bit when the light in the room turned on to reveal Adam, beside him was an exterminator, and behind them was-
"CharChar!"
"Hey~Aunty-URK!" okay, so, strong hugs ran on her father's side of the family it seemed. Good to know! Broken bones and lack of air? Not so good!
"Oh, sweet lord, I haven't seen you in. so. long!" Michelle squeezed her even harder.
"Uh, we've never ...met," Charlie managed to wheeze out. Sure, she had been told about her aunts and uncles, a chore and a half on itself given how estranged her father was with his siblings, but she hadn't had the fortune of meeting them.
"Oh, right, you were probably too young to remember. How old are you now?"
"Almost... two ...hundred," oxygen running out.
"Two-hundred? Huh, she's older than me," Naruto had no idea.
"Really? Ooh, it has been a while. I owe ya a lot of birthday gifts, kid."
"Need...air!" Charlie squeaked and swore she was seeing her grandfather. He wasn't what she pictured him. He was short and had a brown beard that matched his messy hair.
"Whoops! Sorry!" Michelle apologized and released her niece.
GASP! Oh, sweet, beautiful, life-granting oxygen.
"So, where's Luci?" Michelle noticed the lack of her younger brother.
"He's, uh, not coming. He sent me instead," Charlie explained with an awkward smile.
"Pfft," Michelle scoffed, "Typical. The little bitch is still too scared to come see me. Think I'll pay him a visit after this just to remind him who's in charge."
"Won't be necessary!" Lucifer suddenly appeared.
"Woah! Dad?"
"Hey~bitch!" was Lucifer's nervous reply.
Charlie had an annoyed look, "... It's been almost a month and that's all you have to say?"
"Uh...depression?" was Lucifer's excuse, a nervous chuckle escaping him before he spotted a disguised Naruto, "Uh, who's that?"
"Her? Oh, that's, um, uh, she's my...bodyguard? Yes! She's my bodyguard! You know, to... protect me?" Charlie told her father.
"Oh, that was horrible to watch," as great a singer and dancer as she was, Charlie's acting sucked.
"Uh-huh."
"Oh, Luci~" sang a certain Archangel.
Gulp!
"Hey~sis. How you been?"
"Oh, much better now," Michelle smiled a smile that should not belong on an angel. Nor should angels be cracking their knuckles in a threatening manner.
Crack.
Crack.
Crack.
"We've got LOTS to talk about."
"Okay, me showing up may not have been a good idea," but then again, decisions often made through fear rarely were.
"Yo! Can we move this along? I've got other important shit to do!" Adam declared, his eyes narrowing at Lucifer and vice versa.
"Oh, yes, right, so, uh...I'm sorry what's your name?" Charlie asked.
"Call me Dickmaster!" Adam said, his hand forming the sign of the horn.
Pft! Naruto couldn't help himself.
"You think that's funny!"
"Well, anyone calling themselves Dickmaster is obviously compensating for something," Naruto said his piece.
"You dare mock Lord Adam!" Lute exclaimed, her spear pointed at the demon.
"I mock anyone who doesn't have the balls to show up here in person," Naruto revealed.
"Wait, what?" true enough, Charlie watched as her hand went through Adam and Lute and realized it was a hologram.
"Oh, come on!" there went that series of jokes.
"Wait, if you're not here, why's she?" Lucifer pointed to his eldest sibling.
"Can't a big sister come see her bedwetter of a brother and her niece?"
"Bedwetter!" everyone except Lucifer and Michelle exclaimed.
"That was a long time ago and not my fault!" Lucifer snarled. There went his rep.
"He did it till he was twelve," Michelle cackled, the rest of the group joined her.
"You kept dunking my hand in water while I slept!" how he still never figured out.
"It wasn't always water," Michelle revealed.
"You BITCH!" the King of Hell was now going full-on demon.
"To be fair, sometimes it was Gabe who did it."
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" oh, that little pranking shit was gonna get it somehow!
"Wokay!" Charlie interjected, ignoring Lute, Adam, and Naruto who continued laughing, "If we can all just relax and get to why we came here for?"
"Aww, but I wanna poke more fun at Luci," Michelle had centuries worth of material, too.
"Maybe another time," Charlie placated her aunt.
"Thanks, sweetie," Lucifer deadpanned, "Well if your mom's ex is-"
"Wait, ex? Oh, shit, he's that Adam? ... Oooh, that explains a lot," Charlie felt very awkward.
"You can't blame your mom for leaving him for me. Or his second wife," Lucifer cackled. Now that had been a fun century!
"YOU SONOVA-"
"Focus!" Michelle flared her power, her form shifting slightly and even though they were holograms, both Lute and Adam froze too, and Naruto made a mental note of that.
"Now, can we move on?" Michelle asked, her form going back to normal, she had better things to do. Like finding a certain blond.
Naruto felt his spine shiver.
"Yeah, whatever. So, here's the deal we're proposing. The higher-ups are willing to hold off on the Extermination for a period of five years!"
Charlie liked it so far.
"If you hand over the fuckwad that wiped out my exorcists!" Addam added.
And now she didn't.
"Ha! Not a chance!" Lucifer denied. Sure, he might not be the biggest fan of said demon for the headache that he caused the King of Hell, but all of Hell would revolt if he allowed someone as powerful as that to be handed over to the Heavenly Host.
"It's that or starting today we hold the Purge twice a year instead! And this time, we won't just be going after sinners!" Adam had a nasty look as he said that.
"You can't do that!" Charlie exclaimed.
"Not my problem. You knew the deal. We come down, have our fun for an entire day, and then we leave your little cesspool till next year. The way I see it, you broke the terms of the deal."
"The deal didn't stipulate anything about sinners not being allowed to fight back," Charlie explained.
"...Wait, what?" Adam put his finger in his ear. Sinner?
"Charlie?" sure, Lucifer had suspected the being to be a sinner, a strong one, but when they went toe to toe with Michelle and won he believed it had been a hellborn demon instead, and for good reason. But how did his daughter know it was a sinner?
"Uh...oops," Charlie realized she fucked up.
Fortunately, Adam didn't buy it, "HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. That's a good one. Seriously, do you think I'm a fucken idiot! No sinner's ever had that kind of power! Sure, I admit there's nothing in the deal that says they can't fight back, but you guys still broke the rules."
"Lord Adam speaks the truth. This was clearly one of your filthy hellborn scum! And the agreement clearly states that any hellborn demon that interferes in the Purge shall be deemed forfeit to the Exterminators," Lute looked smug.
Oh, right, Lucifer did recall that stipulation.
"So, the way I see it, ya got two choices: hand over the asshole and get a five-year vacay, or we start going after everyone twice a year instead," it was clear to all that Adam hoped they went with option two.
"Fine by me," Lucifer shrugged.
"Dad," Sure, Charlie didn't want to give up Naruto, but she also didn't want more deaths to happen from either angels or demons alike.
"Sweety, they're bluffing. They got their asses handed to them, and it'll happen again," Lucifer explained.
Oh, right!
"We've been granted to use the Leviathans," Adam revealed.
"ARE YOU INSANE?! THERE'S A REASON WHY THE OLD FUCK LOCKED THOSE THINGS UP!" Lucifer couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was Heaven nuts?
Charlie wasn't faring any better, recalling the stories her father told her about them when she was young. Boogiemen tales to get her to listen as a child.
"Leviathans?" Naruto inquired.
"Father's very first beasts, and one of his biggest mistakes. At first, they were nothing more than mere creatures but then Lucifer in all his infinite wisdom decided to give free will to humanity and caused evil to be born. An unforeseen side effect was the Leviathans becoming affected by that evil, too. They became ravenous creatures, powerful ones, growing too rampant, too gluttonous, and threatened all that He created on Earth. But the worst part, they somehow developed the innate power to kill an angel and demon, permanently. Father had them locked away and sealed in the Void, and it was ordained that they were only to be released under the most dire of circumstances," Michelle explained. She, too, wasn't pleased but the majority of her siblings voted their approval to use them. Sure, Heaven had long since developed a method to better control them but even then it held risks.
"It's one of the reasons why I was banished to Hell," Lucifer admitted, "Well, that and stealing Adam's unsatisfied wife!"
"Fuck you! You can keep the cunt!"
"NEVER. INSULT. MY. WIFE!" Lucifer snarled at the man. Sure, he and Lili were taking a break but that didn't mean he didn't love her still.
"Whatever. So, pick yer poison," Adam grinned, believing her had the King of Hell by the balls. Ironic.
"Ahem," Michelle gave her former pupil a look.
"Ahhh. Do I?" Adam really didn't want to.
"YES!"
"Ugh, fine! This bites," Adam hated what he going to say next, "We're...also...willing...to..." Adam choked on each word.
"SPILL!"
"Offer a ten-year cease-fire if you hand over the fuckwad to Michelle," Adam finally finished, his mouth feeling very dirty.
"Huh? Why?"
"Ask her," Adam told the Morningstar. Oh, he felt like throwing up.
"No."
The assembled group all looked at Charlie's bodyguard and before anything else could be said, everyone watched as she approached Adam with no fear. Lucifer was starting to have his suspicions about the demoness for hire and gave his daughter a look. One that Charlie avoided awkwardly.
"What's yer beef, bitch?" he did admit she had a rocking bod though. But instead of answering, everyone watched as the demoness made some hand gestures before she had them in front of Adam.
"What is this? Some weird demon game you guys play?" Adam asked, "Ugh, whatever. Ummm...Left!"
SMACK!
Adam was struck with the right hand.
CRASH!
And into the wall.
"THE FUCK BITCH!" ignoring the fact that he was now in Hell.
"hehehehehehe heheheheheheHEHEHAHAHA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA HAHAHA!"
Adam's eyes were comically wide on his mask. Lute was torn between fighting and fleeing, forgetting that she wasn't in hell. And when a puff of white smoke dispersed Naruto's disguise, Michelle looked ready to jump him.
"If I'm the bitch, why do you have the mark of one?" Naruto grinned.
"I'LL KILL-"
"You'll do NOTHING!" Naruto grabbed Adam's head, bringing the First Man close to him, his whisker marks growing thicker, his fangs feral and his eyes piercing into his soul, "You think you scare me? Oh, no. Worm shit is scarier than you. You? You're just a child throwing a tantrum because he's not getting what he wants. You think you know what scary is? I've faced beings who have turned hundreds of thousands of worlds to DUST to protect those I love. I've faced conquerors, killers, walking calamities, demi-gods, and gods themselves. Do you know what happened? I STRODE ACROSS THEIR BONES AND BASKED IN THE GLORY OF THEIR DEFEAT. I CONQUERED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM AND SENT THEM PACKING LIKE THE LITTLE INSIGNIFICANT BITCHES THAT THEY WERE!"
The supernova that was Naruto's power was once more felt across all of Hell, and even Heaven felt it, and they trembled at the majesty of it all. Adam was positively catatonic and only Lucifer and Michelle could withstand the pressure, and even then the former's knees looked ready to give in. Charlie was only conscious thanks to her father shielding her with his own power, but her head was swimming and her breathing heavy regardless. Michelle was biting her lip, her cheeks flushed, and her blood pumping unlike ever before. And just as quickly did that power go away.
"So, bring yer armies and bring yer dogs. I'll send you bitches packing just like the rest," Naruto's grin was positively evil.
Michelle couldn't take in any longer, "MINE!"
"What? WOAH!" both Lucifer and Naruto answered as one as Michelle jumped on the blond, his back to the ground as the nearly eleven-foot heavenly woman straddled his waist.
"FUCK ME!" Michelle ordered ripping off her top and exposing everything in all their magnificent glory.
"OH, GOD MY EYES!"
"LET GO OF MY PANTS!"
"PANTS OFF NOW!" Michelle ordered.
"GET OFF MY SISTER!"
"YOU BLIND?! SHE'S ON ME!"
RIP! Naruto's momentary distraction allowed Michelle to succeed in her goal.
And everyone in the room that wasn't Naruto had bulging eyes.
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me!?" Adam couldn't believe it; Lute's jaw hit the floor.
"YES! JACKPOT!" Michelle licked her lips!
"BLEACH! I NEED BLEACH!" Lucifer shouted.
"OH, GOD!" Charlie covered her eyes, her entire face was redder than her suit.
Suffice it to say, the meeting didn't go as the Princess of Hell hoped it would.
(Sometime Later)
Angel scrolled through his phone, lazing on the couch when he heard the doors of the hotel open and saw the Princess of Hell walk to the bar, "So, how'd it go?"
He already knew the answer. What he didn't expect was the following to come out of Charlie's mouth, "Husk, our strongest stuff, and keep them coming!"
"Sorry, fresh out," everyone present had already seen the news regarding Extermination Day's new schedule. The group had beaten her to it.
"Emergency stash?"
"Gone too."
"Ugh," Charlie slammed her head on the bar. This day could not get any worse.
"What a dump."
"Will you stop following me!"
Oh, wait, it could.
Everyone looked and then froze when they saw a very tall Archangel walk into their hotel.
"Stab! Stab! Stab!Stab!Stab! Damn it! I'll get you next time, Roach 28! Ahahahaha!" Niffty looked up from her position and upon spotting Michelle asked, "Who's she?"
"Guys, aunty Michelle. Aunty Michelle, guys," Charlie half-heartedly introduced, "She'll be staying with us."
"WHAT?!"
"I'M OUT!" Rent-free or not, no way was Angel staying in a place with a freaking Archangel.
"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Husk didn't care if Alastor tore his soul apart.
Fate had other plans as the wall to the Hotel was suddenly blown up!
"OH, WHAT THE FUCK NOW!?"
"Show yourself Alasssstor. Come and face... Oh, there you are. Face the wrath of the great Ssssssir Pentiousssss!"
"Who are you?" Alastor was heard asking.
"I just told you who I am! Ssssssir Pentiousssss! Inventor, architect of dessstruction, villain extraordinaire!" Pentious boasted.
"Ha, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you."
Sir Pentious couldn't believe this, "I attacked you just last week!"
...
"We've done battle, like... twenty times!"
"Hmm, well, you must have been really bad at this. I can't recall you," Alastor mocked the snake-like demon.
Pentious couldn't take it any longer, "Silence! Now cower! For when I've ssslain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as thei-OH SHIT! ABORT! REVERSE! REVERSE! REVERSE!"
Alastor couldn't tell if it was because the un-note-worthy sinner spotted the Angelslayer, or if it was Archangel Michelle, or both. But Pentious didn't get very far as Michelle shot down the zeppelin with a single blast of divine energy with a gun-like motion of her fingers. The dirigible didn't blow up but the sizeable hole in its side did prevent it from staying afloat and Pentious unceremoniously fell to the ground right in front of the Radio Demon as his machine crashed off to the side.
"Thanks for another forgettable experience!"
"Ttthhaannkkk yyyooouu...For letting your guard down! Aha!" Pentious gloated, having torn off a piece of Alastor's suit. Big mistake, for the Radio Demon was less than pleased by the lack of proper conduct, "Oh, shit!"
KABOOM!
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" the snake was sent flying into the distance.
"Well, it looks like I'm off to the tailor. Best of luck chums! Lady Michelle," Alastor bowed to the Archangel.
"Wait, you're leaving? Alastor we need your help!" Vaggie told him.
"We need a wall?" Angel added.
"Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?!" with a snap of his fingers, black ink demons with construction tools appeared and as Alastor walked away, Angel took an interest in one of them and began flirting.
All of which was being observed by a VoxTek drone.
"Are you seeing this? Look how he flirts with that guy, and he's not even paying! Who is that? I'm gonna fucking kill his whole fucking family! Vox?"
...
"VOX!" Valentino called him out once more but once again got no reply from his fellow Vee.
...
"The fuck is wrong with you!?" Valentino reached his colleague and on-and-off-again lover and saw that Vox's face had frozen with rainbow-coloured bars. Confused, Valentino looked at the screen in front of the Television Demon, and understanding soon dawned.
"FUCK!" Valentino exclaimed.
Wham! The door leading to the room suddenly opened to reveal the youngest of the trio, and the youngest overlord in general.
"What the bloody 'ell is up with you two shits! Another lovers quarrel?" Velvette was getting sick and tired of them.
...
...
Neither one of her fellow Vees replied, "Oi, are you two listenen'?"
...
...
"Uh...'ello?" moving towards them, Velvette saw that both of them were in a daze.
"The fuck 'appen to you sorry tos-EEEEEEHHH!" Velvette squealed, harshly pushing her colleagues out of her way, her eyes glued to the screen, and bringing them out of their funk involuntarily, "'Ello, gorgeous!"
"Oh, my fucking head!" Vox couldn't recall the last time he had such a harsh reboot. What happened? Oh, right, that fucker Alastor was back! After seven years his old rival had the nerve to show his fucking face after what happened. Not on his watch! "Vel, move!"
"Piss off ya poof!" was her reply, as she fiddled with the controls, "How the fuck do you use these bloody things?"
"Don't touch that!" Vox ordered.
"Wait, I found the zoom!" Vel said as her target's form started to become clearer and clearer.
"THAT'S NOT THE ZOOM!" what she was actually doing was bringing the drone closer to the Angelslayer instead.
Bonk!
Oops! Too close.
"Ow!" Naruto glared into the screen, his arm raised.
"Nonononono!" Vox tried to prevent what was about to happen. And could do nothing to stop it.
Smash!
Beeeeeeep!
"Fuuuuck!" Vox wailed, his machine no more than scrap now, "Do you have any idea how expensive that was?!"
"Don't care. Build another. We can afford it," Velvette told him.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" sure it was chump change but it was also the principal of it all. Not only that, they may have pissed off the Angelslayer just because Velvette wanted a closer look for her social network. Fortunately, the recordings were uploaded to their network.
"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" both Vox and Velvette turned to Valentino who had gone full demon, red wisps furiously swirling around his form until they engulfed him completely and then flew out the window.
"Where's piss baby going?"
"Shit!" Vox had an idea. Valentino wasn't exactly the sharpest tool at times and that anger beat whatever common sense he had into oblivion whenever it got the best of him. And if Valentino did what Vox assumed he was doing, he needed to be stopped before he got himself killed, or worse, destroyed everything the Vees built.
"Salutations~Good to be back on the air~" Vox and Velvette suddenly heard.
"Is that who I think it is?" Velvette got her answer just by looking at Vox's angry face.
"FUUUCCCKKK!"
"FIGHT ME!" Michelle shouted once more.
"DON'T WANNA!" Naruto shouted back. He had no intention of fighting her, especially after she tried forcing herself on him. This woman was crazy!
"So, uh, wat's with her?" Angel Dust asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Charlie said, nursing a shot.
"You know that still yer first glass, right?" Angel revealed, "C'mon, ain't yous da one who's always going on about sharen' and all that touchy-feely crap?"
Charlie groaned, hating having her own words thrown back at her.
"So, what's dis about?"
"She wants to have sex with him. Almost did at the embassy too," Charlie finally revealed.
"...HA! Good one, toots! Hehehe...he...eh?" Angel Dust saw that Charlie wasn't laughing, "You're shittin' me! ... You're not shittin' me?"
"MAKE LOVE TO ME!" everyone heard Michelle shout.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Nooo. No, I am not," Charlie sorely wished she was. Oh, she had nothing against romance, and if an angel could love a demon she was all for it, but seeing her aunt try to go to town with someone right before her eyes was more than a bit much for her taste. Her father hadn't said a word either after the meeting ended.
"Dang! Way ta go stud!" Angel raised his bottle, "Must be damn impressive if she's chasin 'im dis hard."
"You have no idea."
Angel looked stunned, "... Wait, what? Fer real?"
"Babe, how do you know that?" Vaggie asked her girlfriend.
Charlie, having realized she said that out loud, finally downed her shot, "Ano-hic!-ther!"
"This outta be good," Husk smiled and poured the princess another shot.
"Oh, come on! Don't leave me hangin'. Spill!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Oh, thank God. A distraction.
"Ughh, what now?" Vaggie opened the door and wished she hadn't.
"Out of my way slag!" Angel froze, recognizing the voice.
"Val? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'M HERE FOR YOU! YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" Valentino declared, grabbing Angel by the arm.
"Ow, hey! Da fuck's yer problem?!" Valentino wasn't usually this forceful. Sure, he could be, but something had to have thrown him off the deep end for the Porno Demon to come and get him guns ablazin'.
"You think I don't know what you're up to? You think I don't see what's happening here? Shacking up with Lucifer's little princessa so you don't have to come work for me anymore?"
"Dat's not-" Angel was slapped by the owner of his soul.
"Well, that's not fucking happening! You're leaving! And you're not going anywhere unless I say so from now on!"
"HEY!"
Everyone looked at Naruto, and the angry look on his face.
"The fuck you just say to me!" it was clear that Valentino's anger had gotten the best of him, otherwise he would have realized the shit he was stepping in, "Fuck off! This is between me, and this little slut! I own him! I can do whatever the fuck I want to him, and make him do what I want! When I say 'come', you say?"
"Yes, Valentino," Angel choked, and Naruto looked livid, summoning Michelle's sword as he made his way to slice the overlord in two.
"And when I say 'you're fucking twenty guys before lunch' you say?"
"Y-yes, Valentino," Angel's voice broke.
"Fucken-A! Don't forget, Anthony," a wisp of smoke appeared, a collar and chain appearing on Angel's neck, attached to a contract, "You're mine!"
"HAAAAHH!"
Valentino turned just in time to see Naruto swing the sword, the overlord using the parchment as a shield. Soul contracts were indestructible, nothing could damage them, making them the ultimate defense and protecting Valentino from harm.
Naruto's arms felt heavier than he could remember them to be, then his legs, and then his head, until finally, his entire being felt like lead, until he spun and fell to a knee dead tired, forcing him to use Michelle's sword to keep him steady, his eyes never leaving Valentino.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha. Nice try~" Valentino mocked, smug by the outcome of what just happened.
Crack!
Then everything went to shit.
Everyone watched as a crack, followed by another, and then another, and another, until finally the soul-binding parchment fell apart like glass and then dissolved into nothingness. The chain around Angel's neck began to disintegrate and each link vanished until it finally reached the collar until it too was no more than dust.
Once again, Uzumaki Naruto had performed the impossible. And the implication of it all finally settled in.
"I'm ... free? ... I'm free...Ha... HA...HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREEEE!" Angel shouted for all to hear, "Fuck you, Valentino!"
Those were the only words Naruto managed to hear before he lost consciousness despite his efforts.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!" Valentino declared, whipping out his gun. A gun Michelle and Vaggie instantly recognized.
"ANGELIC GUN!"
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Pfft...Pwahahahahaha!" Michelle began laughing confusing everyone.
"THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!" Valentino snarled.
"You and how fucking stupid you are," Michelle declared, ignoring the bullets that struck her that were no more than a tickle.
"Wha' she doing?" Angel asked from his cover.
"Keep your head down!" Vaggie pulled down the freed pornstar
"CharChar!" everyone blinked at the nickname, "It's safe to come out."
"You nuts! That's an angel gun!"
"Yeah, and it's useless without the bullets," an angelic gun was only lethal if it had the corresponding bullets, otherwise it was nothing more than a fancy peashooter. Sure, ordinary bullets would hurt even worse through them, but that was it. Furthermore, basic angelic weapons couldn't hurt an Archangel such as Michelle. Guns would sting like a bitch, but even it would take much more than that to take her down. Even a shot to the head wouldn't be fatal for her. At best it would slow her down.
"YOU CUNT!"
Bang!
Clang!
...
Clang?
The sword of Michelle was aloft, blocking the bullet that was shot, the weapon still held in Naruto's hand. The blond twitched, his body becoming covered in red, and watched in fascination as he rose off the ground and began to change. His blond hair became a dark crimson red, his body growing taller, his hair going down his back, his face more regal, and his ears disappearing. In short, it was like a male version of that womanly disguise he took.
"Final-Fucking-ly," Naruto smiled, but the voice that escaped his mouth wasn't his own everyone noted.
"Naruto?"
"The brat's taking a nap. Name's Kurama."
Please note that I do not follow Boruto. Don't care for it. Was excited at first but didn't care for the load of bullshit that came from it. And I finally cut ties when they killed off Kurama in a BS way. So the events in Boruto happened a whole lot differently here than in canon. Also, yes, I did use some elements from Supernatural.
Also, kindly review to keep this story alive, and again please let me know what you did and didn't like.