Chapter 13 - Transfer
They spent another week at the beach. Juliet was able to get Claire to the ultrasound, and they confirmed her unnamed baby boy was still growing perfectly, almost ready to come out. Charlie got a natural high, seeing Claire so happy and relieved.
Neal's ankle got better, and so did James' leg. Everyone was able to walk again, which was important for the three day journey they had planned, this time with a much larger group.
Slowly, Juliet and James convinced Jack and Sayid that their plan could work. If they got to the settlement in one piece, they could clean up and rest there. Juliet's theory that Ben only wanted infants and children was, after all, only a theory. Ben wasn't going to kill anyone on sight. He wouldn't kill anyone until he'd assessed their usefulness. He would wait until their guard was down, and by then their core group would be refreshed and ready to put their own plan into action.
Once the first two dominos fell, the rest of the beach camp was told the lie: that Ethan must have been taken by the same people that terrorized the tail section. They used it as motivation, to put an idea in their heads that maybe they weren't safe here on the beach after all. When asked if those missing from the tail section were dead - when asked about the children - Juliet also planted a seed of hope. The only person they knew for certain was deceased was Goodwin. Everyone else lost from the tail section, there was still a possibility that they were alive. Juliet made herself believe it. The children had to be alive. They had to be. If they weren't, Juliet would open fire on Jonestown right alongside Jack.
She felt terrible for lying to the crash survivors, even when James assured her it was for their own good.
There's nothing good on this island, Juliet reminded him.
The lesser evil, then, James conceded. As long as we're alive at the end of this, we'll have done our jobs right.
No one was excited for a three day hike and camping trip. Neal complained, Bernard fretted, Jin asked Sun to translate every word spoken. Michael was hard to convince, but he seemed to change his mind overnight, and Walt was excited to explore a hidden civilization, which is how he imagined Ben's rustic little town.
Shannon remained quiet as she packed her bags. No one had heard from Locke. Not since Boone died. If Locke was out in the jungle somewhere, surviving on his own, Jack thought maybe they'd run into him on the way. Sayid hoped they wouldn't.
Eko thought it was a bad idea, going back into the wilderness. But when he looked into Ana Lucia's eyes, and she told him she had to find the kids, Eko nodded. He understood.
Libby meditated with Hurley and Claire. Charlie wrote stray lyrics in the margins of a borrowed paperback.
They were scared to leave the beach, and they were all scared to stay.
On the morning of their planned departure, Sayid and Kate took some time to go over the ground rules of hiking through the jungle for their less experienced travelers. Mr. Arzt gave a lot of backtalk, but they got through it.
"Pack only the essentials." Jack told them all. "There will be places to refill water bottles on the way."
As the fledgling scouts went on their weary way to secure supplies, Jack checked in with Juliet. She was in the medical tent with James, clearing the rest of the shelves. Jack asked if he could look at her neck one more time.
"Do you mind?" he asked politely, gesturing toward her fading marks.
She shook her head, and lifted her chin to give him a better view.
Jack got close. He touched her skin gently, pulling slightly to see how the injured area reacted to the motion. James stood by, watching the good doctor's tender treatment with growing dissatisfaction.
"You'll probably have a scar," Jack murmured. "But, it'll be faint, compared to how it looked last week…"
Juliet was grateful there were no mirrors in the camp. She didn't want to see it. She hoped this would all be over before she passed by a pane of glass again.
"Is there any pain?" Jack asked. "Discomfort?"
"I can feel it…" she reported.
I dream about asphyxiation every night. I wake up thinking there's a noose around my neck. When I close my eyes I feel his hands and I see his face.
"But it doesn't hurt." she added, shaking her head no.
"Okay." Jack said quietly.
She could see it in his eyes, he was trying to read her private thoughts about the trauma. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to make it better. But he was a professional with a lacking bedside manner, trained for the diagnosis of physical symptoms only. He wasn't going to pry further.
"Am I cleared for travel?" Juliet asked to break the tension.
Jack smiled. "I am declaring you fit for travel, yes."
James cleared his throat loudly.
"Thanks, Doc." he said, effectively dismissing the other man.
Jack smirked to himself, casting a knowing glance to Juliet. She cast her eyes downward and smiled to herself too.
James watched Jack, and stared pointedly at the doctor as Jack hoisted his backpack over one shoulder.
"I'm going to see how Kate and Sayid are doing with the troops." Jack told them. "Let me know when you're ready to go."
Once Jack was gone, Juliet looked up at James.
"You want me to check the rest of your body?" James asked, a hint of jealousy providing an edge to his suggestive tone.
She wished they had the time. All she wanted to do was to drag him back to their waterfall and forget the rest of the island existed. He didn't even know yet what she'd decided about splitting the party into two groups, and that they were not going to be on the same rosters for that leg of the trip.
Ben sat in his office, staring at nothing and the everything beyond it. His thumb stroked the play button on a small tape recorder. He'd listened to Juliet's message twice already. He was going to listen again, this time to analyze her word choice. She'd been shy when she arrived, but she was a very intelligent woman. He'd trained her well.
There had been no word from Ethan. Now he knew why.
The scouts found the handheld tape recorder in the Staff, with a paper note attached indicating a new recording from Juliet. Juliet had left no previous messages before this, and she hadn't met with the scouts. On the tape she explained in a calm and rational voice how Ethan's attack and subsequent death occurred. She detailed how their story had to change, in order to maintain control over the small population of crash survivors. And she indicated that she and James had successfully convinced the entire group to join them at the inland settlement, just as they'd promised.
Listening the first time, Ben had been so shocked by the news of Ethan's demise that he hadn't been able to process the good news that followed. The tone of Juliet's voice hadn't shifted between the two topics. If she was seething with anger or completely fine with it all, he couldn't tell if it affected her one way or the other.
He listened closely the second time, and imagined her standing in the medical bay, one hand on her hip as she reported dutifully to her superior. She chose each detail carefully while not spending a single second longer than she had to in the dank chamber.
"Now that Ethan is gone…"
Ben paused, and rewound to hear it again. There was a slight pause after 'gone.' Did she feel any grief? Ben looked inward, to see if he had any grief himself.
Dispatching Goodwin had been a choice. Losing Ethan actually stung a little. It also introduced some variables Ben had not anticipated. He knew a lot of his people resented Juliet. Not just for the attention Ben paid her, but for the way she resisted that attention, and resisted becoming part of the settlement like everyone else. He couldn't have imagined that resentment reaching a level that would necessitate murder. That was such a permanent solution.
Then again…he'd sent Goodwin to his end for similar reasons. What could Juliet have done to make Ethan act against Ben's wishes? Was Ethan really that broken up over Goodwin, or that jealous of Juliet's place in Ben's hierarchy?
Ben felt a small pang of regret for Goodwin. Not for the death itself, but because it may have upset the balance of the entire group more than he'd realized.
Harper was pissed at him too, he remembered with a sigh.
There was no changing the past. By now the entire beach camp would be on their way to him, just as he'd asked. Forward was the only direction he could go.
Ben hit the play button again, and sat back with his eyes closed. Juliet had such a lovely, soothing voice. Even if she did sound dead inside.
The first day was slow going, slower than they'd anticipated. Every choice, every instruction took time to communicate to the entire group. Carrying enough food for everyone to share was exhausting, on top of the clothes and personal items they'd insisted on bringing, despite Juliet's assurances they would get everything they needed once they reached New Otherton.
It all made Juliet's pitch for splitting their party that much easier to sell. Sayid agreed, two groups of twenty or so people would be easier to manage, and they could split the circle of trust between them.
During one of their structured bathroom breaks, when everyone took turns finding privacy for their needs, James returned to the larger group and found Juliet huddled with Sayid over his notebook. She repeated the idea to James once he joined them.
"There's a ridge coming up that we'll need to go around." Juliet explained, pointing to a rough triangle on their hand drawn map. "There are paths on either side of it, roughly the same distance. We came around this way." She slid her finger to one side of the drawing, and turned to James. "Do you remember?"
"Yeah," James confirmed. "But if we're swingin' around the other way, who's gonna lead the other group around there?"
When he looked up at Juliet for an answer, she gazed back at him and waited for him to understand. Sayid glanced between them. He could see the awkward moment of revelation coming. It hit James a second later.
"Breakin' up the dream team already?" James asked, unable to hide the hurt behind the joke.
As usual, Juliet's expression revealed nothing.
"You're the only other person who's actually walked it," she said. "Kate can help navigate, Jack will be there for medical needs-"
"Hold up - you're sending me out there with Dr. Giggles?! I do something to piss you off, Blondie?"
Sayid smiled subtly. Despite the outward joking, he sensed they needed a private chat.
"I'll let the others know about this new plan." Sayid excused himself, folding the map.
Juliet nodded. "I'll catch up later."
She watched Sayid walk over to Shannon, who sat on her rolling suitcase eating a stale granola bar. Sayid crouched before her, opening the map to explain the change in plans to her first. Shannon shrugged, apathetic to the melodramatic schemes that seemed to swirl through their group every other day. Beds and showers sounded nice. As long as she got to travel with Sayid, she'd keep dragging her suitcase through the jungle.
James watched, wishing Juliet told him about this plan earlier. It seemed like one of those things she'd decided days ago and was only bringing it up now.
"Are we good?" he asked.
Juliet put the heels of her hands on her sides, thumbs pointing down.
"Yeah." she said.
"Then is there any reason in particular you want to walk around the other side of a mountain, away from me?" he probed further. "I'm not exactly an expert after one trip. Sayid could probably get 'em all through it with the map…"
Juliet braved another look into his eyes. The cautious hurt she saw there, as if he felt rejected but didn't want to look like a lovesick puppy - that was the reason.
The night before they left, James had made love to her so tenderly she'd almost cried.
There'd been a bonfire, a goodbye to the beach camp. Juliet had allowed herself, just for the evening, to feel a part of their group. She laughed at their stories, and stared into the flames when Charlie played his guitar. Reality crept back in as the fire shrank. She excused herself early, before she could make any more unguarded emotional connections.
James waited as long as he could stand it before following her, so it wouldn't be obvious to the rest of the group. No one questioned it when he got up and made his way to their shared tent. They knew.
She was sitting inside, knees drawn up to her chest. Thinking. Worried. Lonely. James sat beside her, took her face in one of his hands and surprised Juliet with a passionate kiss. She gave in, and reciprocated immediately. She had no need to question it. She felt the same. She needed the same. The next few days were going to be a grueling chore with even less privacy than they currently enjoyed. This might be their last time for a while. Maybe ever.
Neither of them pushed the other to undress. They kissed deeply, and James savored every moment he got to taste her mouth. Juliet snuck her arm around his neck and felt his arm around her waist, and they held each other very close. He kissed her like he'd be okay if that was all they did. Like he just wanted to be as close to her as possible.
Juliet kissed him and pulled him in even closer, eventually asking with her hands for him to take it further. They laid down together, took their clothes off together and came together until they felt like one person.
Their injuries had taken them out of commission for a few days, and then they were better. After finding the mood again, it felt a lot less like servicing each other's needs and more like they really cared.
James held her close, before, during and afterward. They parted only to put their clothes back on when they were finished. They talked quietly in the dark about the pending journey, and how the people within the larger group were so much more than the files Ben had compiled. It made Juliet feel safe, comforted, and no longer alone.
Waking up the next morning after that near perfect night frightened Juliet more than all the remaining danger combined. Everything depended on her having nothing left to lose. She couldn't afford feelings anymore. Killing her way out of Ben's clutches was going to take everything she had left. She didn't want to drag anyone else down that hole.
Now, half a day later, Juliet looked into eyes that held all the same memories of their near perfect night. She needed a break. A day to think through it all. Or a day to not think of him at all.
"You'll be fine." she said breezily, trying to blow the memories all away.
He could sense her closing off. It was business time again. That was fine. He wasn't going to beg. If she needed a break, that was her decision to make. No ties, no worries, no fuss.
"I'll see you 'round the way, then." he said, echoing her cooler sentiments.
Shit, Juliet thought, when she realized it had worked. He deserved more than a brush off.
"James." she said quietly, before he turned to go.
Those dangerous emotions floated up again, toward the surface, threatening to break through. He stayed, and looked at her with hurt and hope in his eyes. She got a little closer, so only he would hear her.
"You've been the only thing keeping me sane the last two weeks." she told him. "I want you to know, I appreciate everything you've done. Not just helping me…"
Her cheeks colored. James had a good idea what a reserved lady like Juliet would be thinking to make herself blush. She pushed past it, so she could finish explaining her decision.
"The last guy that wanted to help me…it didn't end well. And I have a feeling you'd try to protect me, if I put myself in danger."
He'd already done it once without thinking, when he tackled Ethan and took a knife to the thigh. James was beginning to understand. She carried the guilt of Goodwin around her neck along with the scars from Ethan. James had been lucky with the stab wound; maybe he wouldn't be so lucky next time. She couldn't take any more weight, or any more responsibility.
She was asking him not to take her vengeance away from her. That was the language he could understand most clearly.
"We'll meet on the other side of the ridge." Juliet promised.
"We better," James warned. "Or Sayid'll have hell to pay."
Relieved, Juliet flashed him a small and grateful smile. "Who said Sayid's going with me?" she asked playfully.
"I did." said James. "Call it a compromise. 'Cause it's the only way I'm letting you run off with any of these yahoos."
She and Sayid had already agreed they should lead one group together. Juliet was content to let James think he'd decided it. She also felt strangely fine about the way he placed a finger under her chin, leaned forward and gave her a soft, this-ain't-goodbye-but-see-you-later kiss, right in front of everyone. She kissed back, reaching up to stroke the skin on his wrist tenderly.
You're not alone, he told her with his eyes.
Thank you, she said with hers.
They weren't splitting the group immediately. There was another half day of walking ahead of them, and they agreed it would be a good idea to take everyone past the waterfall and the pool James had found. They could all wash up and camp there for the night.
The thought of a bunch of people splashing through their private pool annoyed the hell out of James, and he wished he'd stayed there with Juliet instead of ever returning to the beach. It was probably for the better to share it with everyone. If it never belonged to them in the first place, there was no better way to let it go.
When they got there, his promise to give Juliet space was put into action. James sat by himself, looking a lot like his former cranky self. He plopped down on a fallen tree trunk next to a suitcase, not realizing it belonged to Rose until she returned from filling up her water bottle from the nearby streams. He thought he was being slick, but judging by her first question, she'd caught him sneaking glances at a certain blonde doctor across the way.
"You worried about your girl?" Rose asked.
"My girl?" said James, feigning ignorance.
Rose chuckled snidely to herself. "So you're sailing down that river in Egypt, huh?"
Ha, ha, his expression said. "She's not mine. She made that abundantly clear."
"Don't be too hard on her." Rose warned, not unkindly. "Poor girl's got the weight of the world on her shoulders."
James looked at Rose. The old gal wasn't in the circle of trust; she didn't know the whole plan. But she could sure see what was happening right in front of her.
"She fell into the same trap as Dr. Shepherd." Rose went on conversationally. "Everyone's looking at her like a savior. That's a lot of pressure by itself, and then you add almost being strangled to death? That ring around her neck," Rose tsked with sympathy. "It might as well be a crown of thorns."
"She's a strong woman." James let her know.
"Stronger than most of us." Rose agreed. "But the strongest people are often the ones that need the most support."
James leaned forward, resting forearms on his knees. "And how does one give support, when the other person is pushing it away?"
Rose smiled kindly. So she'd read him correctly after all.
"The most important thing to remember is this: whatever's wrong, you can't fix it. So don't even try. Just be there when she needs you. And go on your way if she's telling you to go on your way."
James gestured at his lone, seated form. "This is me, going on my way."
"That's nice." Rose said, her sarcasm returning. "But I'll tell you something else: if you do something for someone, and you pout the whole time you're doing it, it's the same as not doing it at all. Why don't you find someone struggling with their bags, and help them instead?"
James smirked. "Is that your way of asking, without asking?"
Rose raised an eyebrow. "I can handle my baggage, boo." she assured him. "It's those youngins over there that need help."
That made him chuckle. James glanced at the other exhausted passengers. When he actually took the time to look around, he saw more than a few prospects.
"She appreciates you." Rose said, once again surprising him with her candor. "But I think if she sees you helping someone else, it would be a great relief to her."
"Yes ma'am." James said matter of factly. He got up from the tree trunk, with perfect timing since Bernard was returning to his wife and needed a place to sit.
Bernard watched the younger man walk toward another group of travelers. He wondered what his wife had said to the man to inspire him to such acts of charity; but he knew that was simply what Rose did. She'd tell him the details if she wanted to. So Bernard gave Rose a kiss on the forehead, and handed her another bottle of water he'd refilled for her.
Juliet looked up from refilling her own water supply. The first thing she saw was James approach Libby, who had been dragging a shared supply bag behind her since their last break. Juliet watched Libby's shoulders drop with relief, when James offered to take the burden on for her. James looked shocked when Libby reached up to hug him. After a moment's hesitation, James hugged back.
Juliet envied Libby for that moment. She knew firsthand how comforting those arms could be. She missed them already.
James couldn't help it; after picking up Libby's bags - not just the food supply but her clothing too - James searched for Juliet in the crowded clearing. Sure enough she was watching him. It made him feel a little better. The warm smile that he could see, even from that far away, made him feel better still. The bags didn't feel so heavy then.