This trope feels so rare I had to write for it, fill a space I didn't know I wanted. Rare pair/rare game!
This is the semi-smut ending I wanted out of the game but they did the whole thing tastefully, so I'm here to muck it up.
Promise me you'll try,
To leave it all behind.
"So this is what you mean by atonin'," Bill drawled, his dark eyes burning like black fire.
Before that moment, they had sat down next to one another by their roaring fire - fed by fragrant sticks and the night sky pockmarked by stars. Conversation was slow, but Lee had leaned a little too close, for far too long.
It had been four days since Bill had come to him, bounty Hunter pin in hand, and they had fled Golder's Rock together.
They hadn't kissed, yet. Not since that high-strung night.
From that first night in the train cart and the in-between, there had been lots of gentle hands, firm but soft words from Lee. Encouragement. Longing gazes that both men were at fault for.
But here under the stars, all alone, one night away from a town, tonight Lee was fixing to reach out, had almost broached the distance, his blue eyes latched to the older man's lips.
Even Lee McCarthy was just a man.
I had come onto him. There's no way this could be misconstrued as anything else. Jimmy…
No, Jimmy damn it. He's gone, and this is who you have left. He can still change.
My thoughts were in strife. I wanted to pull his neckerchief, wanted him to choke on his next words - despite my vow to see his transformation I... I still felt guilty for a small part of me that wanted him under my heel and hurting.
Change don't come easy, not even for me.
"I'm—I don't know," Lee choked. "I don't know what I want."
Bill saw the way his eyes darted side to side unconsciously; he'd seen a similar panic in one of his men one day. He distinctly remembered back-handing that man, since he was primed to blow a fuse. He had snapped out of it, but this wasn't the approach he was ending on. By the time he reconsidered doing the same, Lee had already taken a deep breath.
Self-soothed. He realised he had been staring at Lee, frozen.
"I shouldn't have come onto you like that. You're... I'm still figuring out what exactly this is. What I want. I'm here for you. But I should be able to control myself."
"Control yourself?" Bill said gruffly.
Lee's mouth went agape, briefly. "Shit. Something's gone south with me, Bill."
"What?"
He babbled, and Lee knew he was babbling. "I want to think I could look at you and not see what you did. Somethin', a splinter, is stoppin' me from forgiving you. I need more time."
"We don't have any red-eye. Quit acting drunk." He could see the dark regrets run through the other man's head - but Bill caught himself from shaking, from balling his fists, to make it obvious how disturbing the possible renege would be, the possible betrayal, would affect him.
"I know. You're... You're here now," Lee muttered. "I should... I should feel worse. I should be at the stake. But I'm here, and all I want is—"
"What? Spit it out, Lee," he barked. "I'm gonna show you what-for if you don't talk straight!"
"Fuck, I want you!" Lee shouted, then visibly braced for a hit. "But it don't feel as simple as that. I'm all wrong inside."
Bill leaned toward him, acting on instinct than anything else. He did not miss the flinch. "You know what feels simple, McCarthy?"
Lee looked up at him, eyes wet. "What?"
Bill's jaw set. Ain't no way someone like that could cry, not someone so close to perfect.
He wasn't perfect - because he chose to throw his lot in with me.
"The way you looked at me afore you threw a fit. Do you think I followed you just to abstain? Not even try to change my old ways?"
"... No?" Lee tried.
"Then do your worst," Bill said.
Lee took a moment to really intake those words in the haze of heightened emotions. He laughed, bitterly.
"Say it plain, Bill. I'm a bit useless right now."
"Kiss me, you mutt."
Lee's eyes widened. The invitation was clear despite his cruelty.
It would take a minute for Lee to realise that was the first real initiative made by the older man that had bled through the homophobia. It would have taken a surplus of courage. Or surplus of blood to the dick.
His hand shot out, yanked on that red neckerchief.
Their teeth clicked together from the force, but just as sudden Bill had forgotten to kiss, because his mouth shut immediately after.
Lee had to reach up, cup his jaw, and slowly lick against his lips. Then a moment passed, locked in bite.
Lee hissed, "Let me in," against his mouth.
Bill obliged, a bit too quickly, opening his mouth just so Lee's tongue could trace around the incisals of his front teeth.
A gasp of air. They broke apart like a quick draw on Bill's terms. Lee looked up at the man, eyes wide, caught between freeze and appease.
A first: their first kiss that wasn't under coercion.
There was a weird power shift, Lee sensed. Lee was the one with a hard on, but Bill felt like he was on the cusp of pulling away in disgust; he knew that self-hatred river ran ten-folds deep.
He did not choose to skip town together just to not explore whatever this was, which Lee reckoned was a gross overestimation on his part.
Fuck it.
It was like the fire burning next to them was dulling their senses, because that's when he noticed Bill's expression mirrored his own, like they could not believe the other had reacted that way.
"Tell me what you're thinking. I can't read your mind. Please."
Bill's voice wavered. "I feel… I'm… terrified."
"Say God were not watching. What would you do with me if He wasn't?"
That broke the levee. "I'd throw you down. I'd—"
Lee simulated his action, pushing Bill down on his back. Bill was supine as Lee sat astride his hips, making sure to shift his weight off the belly. Bill's red hair-piece fell loose to the dirt. "Keep talking."
His hair splayed across the dirt, longer than Lee's. Something about that dark hair pressed against the dirt set something loose in Lee.
Bill spoke through clenched teeth. "I'd kiss you 'til we ain't breathin'. See how sweet you are on me."
One hand spidered through the back of Lee's shirt as the younger man hastily leant down at the same time, which Lee did fast to not break the spell. Lee caught himself before contact, elbows to the sides of Bill's face, the two men with expressions like wounded animals, eyeing off the other. The search. Lee held the gaze until Bill's gaze dipped to his lips; Lee did not register the hand clawing down his back when they kissed, the fire beside them seemed to blaze bright on their touch. Then, Lee let out a muted moan as they touched again.
Fuck, it had been near an age.
Bill seemed to let himself give in - Lee kept his eyes open, before fluttering shut as Bill's free hand snaked to his hair, and Lee inwardly melted as this was another first—of the man not revolting from his touch in any keen manner. They kissed like the sky was on fire, as if Hell itself were on their heels.
Like the hangman was on the morrow.
Bill tasted of musk, of faint tobacco, of something primal he could not help but compare to Jimmy. Lee bit down out of bitter reflex of that thought, biting the man's lip, and the kiss managed to intensify. The weights shifted, and Bill tossed Lee underneath him.
Two calloused hands pinned Lee's well-worn ones down to cragged dirt.
"You're as mad as a march Hare," Bill warned.
Another first: Lee looked a man-possessed, and Bill admitted to himself this brought him immense satisfaction. But in the back of his mind, he knew Lee had two over on him.
Indebted for life.
Then Lee spoke, saying something that shot ice down his spine.
"If God were dead, would you still be in this cage?"
Lee bucked up like a feral animal, his cock as hard as sin, and Bill did not twig that he was hard as well, but knew something was wrong the way he could hear his heart in his ears.
"I can not tell if you want to pitch a fit, or fuck, right now," Bill growled, but less venomous than usual.
Lee's blue eyes were dark as the night. "Set me loose. I'll prove you right."
Surprisingly, Bill McCoy let go of his wrists. Lee shifted, yanking his red neckpiece again, and the men were side-on to the ground, kissing madly. The difference was, now Lee was throwing the dice. His hands roamed Bill's larger frame, not afraid of whatever consequences Bill was itching to throw at him.
Bill let himself be taken.
A breath was punched out of him when Lee cupped his quickened cock, then groped searchingly for him. Bill now could not ignore that he was hard as nails.
"I am sorry for not holding back," Lee said, lacing his legs between Bill so he couldn't easily pry himself apart. Bill was ajar, cock free.
"But you tell me to stop anywhere from now to forever, and I will."
The promise made Bill shudder.
"Bill."
He forced his eyes open to obey the younger man. There was no cage, only Lee, right in front of him. His breath was taken from him when he saw Lee gazing at him, trembling, but seemingly waiting on his cue. Waiting for him to give the say-so.
"Hell," Bill said. "I know what he saw in you now."
That was the wrong thing to say, as Lee tore into him in anger. "Don't you bring him into this."
"I'm sorry."
Lee reached up, and forced a kiss that would have melted down into blood.
"Fuck… Fuck you."
As the kiss ended, Bill reached down and slowly undid Lee's breeches, and Lee did not stop him. What was a flash of anger melted into carnal resignation, but Lee reached down anyways. Despite the sundered words, despite the lack of whiskey, Lee looked down knowing that they were both still raging hard. For Lee, it felt longer than eight years.
Bill did not think about the time he had done that in a much different context.
Another first - the older man pressed them together, Lee not noticing straight away that Bill's face was red as sunset. He stared down at their pricks, blindsided by the situation. Lee reached down around the both of them, slick and messy and everything else. When he pulled up, once, he gasped, hearing Bill exhale loudly through his teeth. One hand went up, coiling in Bill's longer hair, dull surprise at how soft it was.
Lee's first instinct was to buck against him, doing so he bit his lip and knocked his forehead into Bill's, unblinkingly looking down at their touching pricks.
Bill was completely enthralled by Lee's face, their bare cocks touching was so erotic he couldn't bear to look. Not yet. Not when Lee looked like that. Bill's hand was still, coiled around his own hard cock selfishly, by the other token Lee shamefully but slowly bringing them off with a single-mindedness he couldn't place.
They weren't fully contacted yet, but Lee changed that by climbing atop the larger man in a mirror of before, making it obvious that Bill's was bigger than his, but only by a thimble.
Lee closed his eyes, letting out a little moan as his hand reached a pace closer to getting off than truly enjoying it.
Bill's eyes were glued to Lee's face, watching the subtle changes in expressions, the way Lee bucked his hips - and then he was lost, enjoying the other man more than the stimulation itself. His face had flushed so hot he couldn't focus.
"Ah, fuck, ah."
That noise triggered Bill's free hand, to cover his face (hot to touch), fingers splayed and covering his face in shame. That was when Lee finally decided to look up — and openly gawked.
Bill is blood red, blushing.
"Bill?"
"This ain't me sayin' stop," Bill said weakly.
Lee paused his hand, overwhelmed by the thought—Bill looking this way was even possible—free hand reaching up to pull that hand away, holding his palm while he went for a kiss, gasping in front of Bill's lips as Bill finally quit being passive and quickly squeezed Lee's cock, ignoring his own; like he had done it in warning.
Then, the outlaw found his grit, his voice low again. "You keep goin'. Enough kissing."
Lee let out a shaky sigh, letting his eyes flutter shut and biting his lip as Bill roughly grasped at him, and previous stimulation had gotten him pretty close already.
Keep going?
Addled, he shifted his hand around to join Bill's, on the verge of his climax. The feel of Bill even trying to reciprocate with him then caused him to buck up, gasping as the older man never broke gaze to his face, not even to look down.
"Bill—Bill I'm gonna, I'm…!"
Lee turned away as he felt Bill tug at him, pulling him through his orgasm, not kindly. The other man yanked Lee's face in line to his again, like he disapproved of Lee looking away for even a second, expression shaped into hell-fired concentration, and Lee swore if Bill were any other man - reverence.
Lee breathed hard, shutting his eyes as the rush of endorphins washed over him. Then, the fire appeared to blaze higher, then wane to a dim light. Seeing the older man was more difficult now.
As Lee started to recover from that orgasm (it felt like he hadn't cum that quickly in years), he opened his eyes, looked down at Bill, the man still hard as a rock.
"Don't—don't concern yourself with that. That was enough."
Lee smiled sheepishly. "Bill…" He didn't move his head, still staring at the man's profound eyes, hellish dark.
"God was not watching the way I couldn't tear my eyes offa you. And if he did, let me die a thousand fuckin' deaths." Bill hadn't looked away, might have been staring ever since, leaving a shiver down his spine.
"I'll have to die along with you, seems," Lee said. "You sure about… yourself?"
"Call it good. I don't know if I can handle this much blasphemy in one day."
Lee chuckled, slowly cleaning up the cum he'd left behind on Bill, on his hands. Wiped it on the dirt. Tucked himself away, and Bill did the same for his hard prick. "I'll make it up to you, someday soon, if you'll let me," Lee said.
"You don't gotta make up anything for me."
"Bill, this ain't a transaction. I'm giving you my time, anything you need. I know now you're not a hopeless case."
"I know for you to forgive me, it's gonna take a long time. But it's better than lyin' down, givin' up, dyin' in the sun. It ain't changin' overnight, that much I know."
Lee flinched. Yeah, he had said things. He hadn't the faintest idea of how to feel when that inevitably got dug up. It hadn't been good so far. Old wounds. "It's still raw," Lee said.
"Yeah, I know."
"But… Jimmy would want me to do my best. He'd be happy… to see you turn the other way, into redemption." Lee couldn't keep the shake out of his voice.
"I know you don't want to talk about it to me right now. Call it even. I'm sticking around." It took till after Lee thought that Bill had likely never done that before. "You tell me about him one day when it's not so difficult anymore."
Lee rolled over onto his back, the dying flame making the stars a sight to behold. His eyelids felt heavy, limbs a little weak from a hunger he had staunched. "Yeah. Thanks for understanding… Good night, Bill."
Bill turned his head to look at the sleepy man. "G'night, Lee."
One hand reached up to weave through Bill's hair… And then he was asleep, exhaustion claiming Lee.
Bill didn't dare move, gaze resting on the sleeping male. Even in sleep, he was some angel.
He didn't deserve Lee.
Couple minutes later, he had to get up, the roar of blood in his ears too much to bear. He did his best not to disturb the man, luckily he was out like a light.
Making a few good steps away from their little camp, he pulled his hard prick out of his britches in relief - the few minutes it took to get off, he dared not to think of God once —only Lee's face, his reaction in heat. His little moans, the way he had wanted him regardless of everything he'd ever done. The way Lee knew what he wanted despite how fucked up it was.
Bill came into the dirt unceremoniously, and tucked himself away quietly to return to their campfire, the younger man dead asleep.
Bill knew he was up shit Creek without a paddle for Lee, no matter what he'd do from this point onward.
Forgive me, my love,
I stand here all alone and I can see the bottom.
P.S. I write like garbage, this is barely fit for human consumption.
You - Breaking Benjamin