Every month as I got older, if I had a period that was they were painful, heavy, and uncomfortable to deal with. Even though I live and work with women, I couldn't admit this to anyone else, during the time of the month I suffered in silence, often unfocused and unable to fully focus on prayer. I was fully aware that all the others were starting to realize that something was wrong during that time of the month. The issue I had was that so many confided in me, yet I could not bring myself to find someone to confide in. I was unable to trouble any of the younger girls with this, which left it to someone in the order. Sister Monica Joan would be unhelpful although had experience in that area of life, I wouldn't bother Mother Mildred with this, but then I had no one to bother with. As I went about my midwifery rounds, I realized that it had been roughly a month since the curse had last struck me. Meaning that I was now confined to stressing about leaks, cramps and not appearing under the weather to my colleagues considering how much they relied on me. As I got to my last patient on my rounds, I finally clocked who I could speak to about my troubles as she was probably going through the same changes of life as I was, or soon to approach it. Sister Hilda always seemed to have time for everyone, I saw myself in her eyes in a way. My next issue was finding the time to talk to her alone but without coming across as her being in trouble, I did the final checks on my last patient and as I did so, a sneeze brought to my attention I needed to get back to nonnatus house. I cycled home to see Sister Hilda unfastening her bag, clearly tired after a long day. We walked inside together, not needing to exchange a word, but both knowing we could speak all we needed to through God later. I made the spur of the moment decision to ask her for some time even though I knew how precious how time was, "Wait, sister Hilda please could you spare me some of your time at some point later? Where is best for you?" She whisked round and looked slightly confused "Yes, of course Sister Julienne, if it's more private, maybe your room?" I nodded, and we agreed that when I was ready, I would invite her to my room. I continued to the clinical room, forgetting the issue that I needed to deal with. I got to the clinical room before remembering and hurried to unpack my stuff before heading up the stairs to my room. "Goodness Sister, I've never seen you race up the stairs so quickly" this remark came from sister Frances as I passed her (and almost knocked her over). Once I was in my room I composed myself before dealing with it, as suspected it had gone through to the first layer of my habit, this must have been in less than an hour since I first realized. I rinsed out my undergarments in the bathroom before grabbing a sanitary bad and my belt, then heading down to my study, where my guilt crept up to me for having emergency painkillers stashed in a desk drawer. I had the tablets in my hand when Sister Frances knocked on the door "Enter" I couldn't hide them as she was so quick in, clearly distressed with tears running down her face. "Sister, sit down what's happened?" unfortunately, as I said this, I ushered her to sit down with the hand that had apprising in. "It's nothing re-really, it's just I had a difficult labor and a trigger from my past came back. what's that you've just dropped on the floor?" I hushed her, "I understand it's a trigger, and it's nothing to worry about, I was simply checking how much aspirin was left in the bottle and a couple fell and were in my hands." lying was technically against the rules of the order, but I needed to, to protect myself and not give my fellow sister anything else to worry about. Once she left, I finally managed to take those long sought after aspirin before steeling myself for dinner, I had no appetite and wanted to curl into a ball and cry but had to stay strong until I could speak to Sister Hilda later. I sat through dinner trying not to look greatly uncomfortable, I could feel every single drop of blood dripping onto my sanitary napkin and knew I had to replace it straight away. Visible tears began to form in my eyes and I needed to excuse myself at once, "Fellow sisters and midwives, continue without me". I walked out of the dining room so close to crying and when I got onto the stairs, all control was lost, and I couldn't find the strength to be silent on the walk-up and into my room. I was so aware I should have said something to someone before it got this bad, I just hoped sister Hilda would clock. Furthermore, I sat on my bed weeping, unable to move even though my sanitary napkin required changing with cramps like the Blitz was happening in my stomach, I should have called Doctor Turner before it got worse but all I needed right now was someone to discover me. When others were at their lowest, I went out of my way to help them, to do whatever I could to make life just that bit easier for them, whether it was being there for them to vent to or lending them advice. After about half an hour of time alone weeping and slowly bleeding on to my bed, three sharp rasps on the door signified I had company "Who is it?" I only wanted scarcely any people right now, Shelagh or Sister Hilda "It's Shelagh and sister Hilda, we are coming in now" they came in as I was hurrying to cover the mortifying period stain, but Shelagh dear spotted it before I could get rid of the evidence "Oh sister Julienne what is going on, you can't cope with this alone" calmly spoke Sister Hilda, so I had no choice but to spill my guts to the two of them "I am going through the menopause, and it's having awful effects on me long, painful and heavy periods which are irregular, I have been taking aspirin to no avail and haven't been telling anyone what's going on, I've bled through another pad and am so sick of bleeding endlessly through, I can barely move due to cramps every so often. I am too afraid to talk to Patrick about it, but I simply cannot support anyone when I can't support myself". As I said this, both Shelagh and Sister Hilda tried their best to avoid crying with great difficulty, "Oh, sister I am getting Patrick here right this minute to help support you". After a long ordeal that night with a lot of emotion, it was deemed that it wasn't normal, I had been dropping roughly 8 eggs a month and all had been waiting for me which resulted in long and heavy periods. Sister Hilda stayed by myriad that night, and I was ever grateful to her for it.