Description: In which Mr Collins is a doting pet owner and learns the value of perseverance.
Rating: E - Everyone
Inspired By: Someone in one of the Austen groups who pointed out that Elizabeth wanted Mr. Bennet to mansplain her refusal, and the AHA Marcy playground prompt "A Little Bird Told Me"
You are uniformly charming!" cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry; "and I am persuaded that, when sanctioned by the express authority of both your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable." To such perseverance in wilful self-deception Elizabeth would make no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew; determined, that if he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering encouragement, to apply to her father, whose negative might be uttered in such a manner as must be decisive, and whose behaviour at least could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female.
BIRDSPLAINING
Mr. Bennet had been expecting his cousin to visit but no one else in the household was prepared, and even Mr. Bennet was surprised to realise that he had brought a large parrot with him.
"Is it not too cold for it to travel? What if your bird catches a chill?" Mr. Bennet asked. He and his wife were having tea with the visitor. The girls had gone upstairs to see to a guest chamber being prepared.
"Oh, I took great care to cover her cage carefully," Mr. Collins said. "Lady Catherine goes everywhere with me. If I left her alone or in the care of strangers she would go off her food and brood frightfully."
"The parrot's name is Lady Catherine?"
"Yes," Mr. Collins said proudly. "I have named her for my patroness who is the only person of my acquaintance with equally splendid plumage."
"Birds of a feather, are they?" Mr. Bennet found it amusing.
"Yes, my patroness was very flattered by the compliment because Lady Catherine is really the prettiest bird in all of England. Have you ever seen a prettier bird in your life?"
"No, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "I am sure we have not."
"Who's a pretty girl," Mr. Collins cooed. "A pretty, pretty girl!"
"Pretty girl!" Lady Catherine answered.
"Oh but she is so loud," Mrs. Bennet said fretfully.
"I do hope that you will not mind my pet," Mr. Collins said. "She is a very well behaved bird, and I can see her being very happy at Longbourn."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mrs. Bennet said. "Of course not. Apart from the noise, and the mess, and the inconvenience of having wild animals in the drawing room, I am sure none of us minds the least bit."
"My patroness had a parrot in her youth, and she has come to visit me twice, to see my bird," Mr. Collins said proudly. "She even brought her daughter once, a very pretty girl."
"Pretty girl!" Lady Catherine said.
"We may imagine that you are happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies," Mr. Bennet said.
"You judge very properly, sir," Mr. Collins said. "As things currently stand, I am very fortunate because in such a household as this, filled with such lovely ladies, there is no need for arduous studying and preparation as I am assured that the compliments must arise naturally from the present situation."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mrs. Bennet said, "Indeed there can be no difficulty. What could be easier than to compliment my Jane? She is the prettiest young lady in Hertfordshire."
"Pretty girl!" Lady Catherine said.
"And all the other girls have been much praised as well," Mrs. Bennet said.
"I have my duties in Hunsford and I cannot stay at Longbourn indefinitely so I hope you will not consider me unforgivably hasty when I say that I would be quite happy to marry your beautiful daughter."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "Of course not. You have known us for a quarter-hour by now, and I am sure that plenty of people have chosen a life partner in five seconds or less."
"It is not a whim of the moment, you must understand. Rather I have come expressly prepared to offer an olive branch. My esteemed patroness advises me to marry expediently, and what could be more natural than an auspicious union between myself and a daughter of Longbourn, allowing her to preside over her childhood home when the time comes."
"Oh, you have certainly thought it through very thoroughly," said Mr. Bennet. "Have you already planned the wedding breakfast and the names of your children?"
"No, that sort of thing I would gladly leave to the womenfolk, sir," Mr. Collins said. "From our brief acquaintance, your eldest daughter seems very elegant and refined, and I am sure she would be a credit to the Hunsford parsonage."
"Oh no, Mr. Collins!" Mrs. Bennet said. "It is not yet official, you see, but there is a young man who has paid a great deal of attention on our Jane, and you might consider one of the other girls. None of them have any other attachments."
"Well, that is a pity but the next eldest might do just as well," Mr. Collins said graciously. "Although her colouring is less fashionable she is also a very pretty girl."
"Pretty girl!" Lady Catherine squeaked.
"And as a clergyman, I pay no attention to appearances and fashion."
"Obviously," said Mr. Bennet.
"Her ladyship considers it unseemly to pay court to young girls before their elder sisters are married, but I hope you are willing to take a liberal view on this as I could not stay long enough to wait for the eldest to get married if she is not even engaged yet."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "We understand completely, and do not expect you to stay for more than a couple of days. In fact, you could leave tomorrow, or at your earliest convenience."
"Her ladyship can spare me for a se'nnight," Mr. Collins said.
"But can she spare your bird?"
Mr. Collins was very much struck by this. "Indeed, what if my patroness wishes to see my splendid avian, and cannot? I must woo in haste and hurry home. Would you object to a quick and short engagement?"
"No, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "It seems they are all the rage these days. But perhaps my daughter has another opinion."
"On the other hand, I am told that her Ladyship's daughter has been betrothed since she was in her cradle…"
"How old is she now?"
"About twenty-seven, I think." Mr. Collins was a little distressed when he realised the contradiction. "Say, Mr. Bennet, I am not sure if my patroness condones swift marriages after all."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mrs. Bennet said. "I am sure it must be a very special case. If she has been engaged for two decades and more, and is still unmarried, maybe she does not wish to marry at all."
"Not to marry! What are you saying? Of course she wishes to marry."
"Well then," Mr. Bennet said. "Either her fiancé does not want her, or she has lost the poor chap in the garden maze. A sad affair, all around."
"I am sure your patroness would not wish you to be engaged for two decades," Mrs. Bennet said. "Not at your age."
"She told me to marry a useful sort of a girl," Mr. Collins said. "A well bred girl of the gentry, not raised up too high."
"A pretty girl!" Lady Catherine squeaked.
"It is always good to have standards," Mr. Bennet said.
"So will you give me your blessing to marry your daughter Elizabeth?"
"No, Mr. Collins. I appreciate the respect of my authority that you imply in ascertaining my views first. But I think it would be a little premature for me to offer my blessings before you have applied to the lady in question for her consent."
"Surely it is merely a matter of formality," said Mr. Collins. "I flatter myself that I can offer a very eligible situation. I am the heir to this estate, after all. And how could she object to my parsonage? My patroness gave me her generous advice in furnishing it."
"No, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "I am sure that your house is the last thing she would object to."
"I should not like to tarry," said Mr. Collins. "As my time here is brief I would like to make my intentions clear as soon as I can manage it."
Mrs. Bennet graciously allowed him to request a private interview with her second eldest daughter. Lady Catherine was considered to be enough of a chaperone. But Miss Elizabeth demurred.
"No, Mr. Collins, I am sure that we have nothing that we should discuss in such an intimate setting. It is better to speak with all my sisters."
"Your sense of propriety is admirable, but I have secured your excellent mother's permission to speak to you alone. Will you marry me?"
"No, Mr. Collins," she said. "I thank you for the honour but I cannot accept."
"Is it too soon? I do understand your hesitation, my dear, but we need to settle our future happiness to our mutual satisfaction. We must make it official so we can start calling the banns."
"No, Mr. Collins, we are not going to be married, and you cannot call me that."
"Of course, my dear, your adherence to propriety is most endearing and very suitable for a clergyman's wife. I am sure my patroness will be most delighted with your manners and will deign to call on you as soon as you are settled at Hunsford."
"Oh no, Mr. Collins, I am sure your patroness has plenty of better things to do, and I have no plans at present to become a clergyman's wife."
This inspired Mr. Collins to hold a monologue about the benefits of being married to a rector. Apparently it was a lot like being his housekeeper, in that in exchange for a roof over her head she was supposed to do a lot of chores for him. A housekeeper was better paid, though, and would not be expected to grace his arm, or various other parts of him that we shall leave unnamed here for our own tranquillity.
Mr. Collins was consistent in two things: his inability to understand and his unwillingness to accept a polite no. After all, his esteemed patroness had recommended marrying one of his cousins, and his mind was made up. When Elizabeth attempted to refuse more bluntly he still did not listen. Elizabeth attempted to flee his presence and Mr. Collins followed her.
"Dear cousin, we can be happily wed in six weeks. It gives me time to inform my patroness and you can have your trousseau completed."
"No, Mr. Collins, I have not agreed. I do not believe that I am the one who will be able to make you happy."
"I cannot imagine what could be lacking, but your modesty is quite becoming for a clergyman's wife and I cannot wait until we are wed."
"I thank you for your faith in me but we are not going to be wed."
"Lady Catherine is expecting to visit my bride as soon as it can be arranged."
"Unfortunately Lady Catherine must suspend that pleasure," Elizabeth said. "Perhaps there is a widow in the neighbourhood that she could visit instead. For the foreseeable future, I am not available for any bridal visit opportunities."
"But Mrs. Bennet informed me that you are completely unattached and not in expectation of any other offers."
"That might be true but it does not follow that you and I must marry."
"It is my understanding that you have little to live on after your father passes on. But once we are tied with the eternal bonds of the holy matrimony you no longer need to fear the hedgerows."
"I am not in general afraid of the hedgerows, although it is best to avoid the thorny ones."
"Your esteemed mother says that you will make a wonderful mistress of Longbourn. You have the most experience in bookkeeping and are accustomed to visiting the tenants already."
"No, Mr. Collins. As much as I love Longbourn I could not marry just so I can keep on checking the accounts."
"Most amusing, Cousin Elizabeth," Mr. Collins said benevolently. "Of course you know that marriage was ordained for the mutual society, help and comfort that we may have of each other, among other things."
"I tend to think that some people would need far less comfort if they had less of the mutual society."
"That is an extraordinary thought, Cousin Elizabeth. I am sure it may be true in some imprudent marriages but our union is such a sensible choice it cannot bring but happiness for all."
"No, Mr. Collins, I do not think it would be right for us to marry."
"Oh, that is nonsensical, my dear Cousin. I trust that you will allow me to know better in this instance." Mr. Collins smiled kindly. "After all, as a clergyman I am intimately acquainted with the marriage ceremony, and as the recipient of the most venerable Lady Catherine De Bourgh's benevolent attentions it behooves me to know what is best for my parishioners. Our marriage satisfies all the requirements, and I thank you for your kind acceptance."
"No, Mr. Collins, I have not accepted."
"I understand that you are worried because we have just met, but it is for naught. Dear cousin, there can be no just cause or impediment to prevent our shared bond, and your fears are just because you lack faith. But that can be remedied once you have my ring on your finger and you see that I have pledged my troth in all sincerity."
"No, Mr. Collins, I could not marry a stranger."
"My dear Miss Elizabeth, everyone is a stranger at the start of their marriage but I am convinced that our happiness can do naught but increase with the years we spend together, as we grow old and blissfully content together, in perfect understanding and felicity."
"No, Mr. Collins. I do wish you a blissfully content old age, with all my heart, but I cannot see us spending our golden years together. You must seek your happiness elsewhere for we would be a poor match."
"A poor match? My good cousin, of what can you possibly speak? A poor match - indeed we are not!"
"A poor match!" Lady Catherine imitated.
"I am sure that we are well matched in every important respect, and if we are not you can change your ways, as you take the instruction from your husband, as the Providence has intended. I am to be the head of the family and you can also trust my good patroness to instruct you in the ways of being a good wife and mother, as she always has a lot of advice, and nothing is beneath her notice."
"No, Mr. Collins, I cannot believe that you wish to marry a person who needs so much correction."
Mr. Collins smiled magnanimously. "Be not afraid, cousin, I am not at all unrealistic in my expectations. My dear, I am certain that any woman would need to be taught my preferences, and you will be able to learn as well as anyone else."
"Good, then you can marry anyone else, and there is not the slightest necessity that it should be me. And please do not address me so familiarly."
"As I am one day going to be the master of Longbourn it is only right that I should marry a daughter of this household."
He spoke at some length about his excellent prospects. As his most keenly anticipated prospects involved Mr. Bennet's death this did not serve to endear him to Elizabeth as well as he wished. Inadvertently, he managed to imply that if they were not married at the time of her father's demise, he would feel perfectly justified in making her grieving family homeless as soon as he could manage it.
"This is a very compelling argument," she agreed. "But I have taken it into consideration and I cannot marry you just because you admit lacking charity towards a grieving widow and her daughters."
"Lack charity? Indeed not. I am a man of the cloth, after all, and together we shall lack nothing but the blessed proof of our love. And should the Providence be willing, we could be raising our little brood of proofs in perfect harmony very soon."
"No, Mr. Collins, I believe it would be wrong of me to lead you on. I find myself quite unready for the distinction you are trying to bestow on me and you must seek your felicity elsewhere."
"I did not anticipate being refused as all the natural feelings would certainly rebel at such a prospect. Any woman in your precarious financial position must see how very eligible my offer is, and therefore I must conclude that your feminine modesty has prevented you from seeing my deep affection for you," Mr. Collins explained patiently.
"No, Mr. Collins, it is more likely the fact that we were introduced so very recently, and although I am perhaps too vain I am not so delusional that I could believe anyone to be madly in love with me after five minutes."
"If we know our hearts there is no need to wait, my dear. My patroness always says that when one is sure of making the right decision it is better not to procrastinate."
"That may be so but I do not feel that marrying would be the right decision for us."
"You must allow me to have a better understanding of this matter," Mr. Collins argued. "As a spiritual adviser of my parishioners, I am frequently called upon to advise in matters of matrimony, and I can see no impediment whatsoever."
"Except my unwillingness."
"Oh, you need not fear that I shall hold your scruples against you when we are married. I understand that you are a great reader, and excessive exposure to novels of a romantic bent may lead a fashionable young lady to think it is reasonable to refuse their suitors the first time that they ask."
"No, Mr. Collins, pray do not suppose me to be so elegant that I would decline proposals because of fashionable whims. I am a mere country girl, and as such I have refused because of a firm disinclination."
"I see that you plan to make me work for my bride. Very well, I shall court you in a more passionate manner until Tuesday. On Wednesday we must speak to the vicar about the banns, before I have to return. "
Elizabeth threw up her hands exasperatedly.
"Why did you even bother to ask me if you are not planning to accept my response? You could just as well just bundle a woman in a burlap sack and carry her all the way to Kent, if you are not going to take no for an answer."
"My dear Miss Elizabeth, what manner of nonsense is this?" Mr. Collins was surprised.
"I wish I knew."
"My dear, maybe you are not aware that Kent is rather too far to walk," Mr. Collins said condescendingly. "But you are very lucky that after we are married I can make all your travel plans."
Elizabeth had a scathing answer on the tip of her tongue but thought better of expressing it.
"It is evident that geography is not your strong point but you need not concern yourself about it. We might be able to afford a tutor to educate our children, at least once I inherit."
"As we are not going to marry I think we are unlikely to have children in need of a tutor. So we save that expense, which must be good news."
Mr. Collins waved that objection aside and returned to the salient point. "As for being carried to Kent, a fine joke! And mind you, I am not criticizing your build in any way. But you are not a tiny woman and I do hope that you do not expect to be carried anywhere."
"Not by you, at any rate," Elizabeth said.
"Carrying a bride over the threshold is just a superstitious custom and brings no luck to the couple."
"Indeed, Mr. Collins," she said. "Should you carry anyone over your threshold, I would not necessarily expect any felicity to follow."
"On the contrary, such excessive exertion might bring ill fortune. They might both fall, or the bridegroom might hurt his back."
"Indeed, Mr. Collins, we would not want that," Elizabeth said. "But I do not anticipate any man to be forced into such struggles on my behalf any time soon as I do not have a bridegroom to injure."
"Miss Elizabeth, these feminine demurrals have been an amusing jest but as I am already firmly decided upon you, you have no need to increase my devotion by such means."
"My feminine demurrals? Do you mean to say that you do not believe my refusal because I am a female?"
"You are a woman of a great sense, in a precarious financial situation. What other options have you? Of course you mean to accept me in the end. Ladies frequently do not mean what they say."
"So a woman's word is entirely meaningless to you?" Elizabeth asked with some steel in her voice. "Even a woman that you had requested to recite binding vows with you?"
"Well, not entirely, as such," Mr. Collins stammered. "Yet men's word must be respected more as they invariably have the better grasp of the intricacies of, the complexities of, the many complicated questions about the way this world works."
"How do you know this? Did a man tell you so?"
"It is just the way this world works."
"I see." Elizabeth fell silent for a while. "Please excuse me. I shall go and fetch my father so he can be of some assistance."
"Very good, we can get his blessing straight away," Mr. Collins said.
Mr. Bennet was easily found and available for consultation. Elizabeth applied to him and his extensive vocabulary. "Papa, Mr. Collins is of the school of thought that sentences mean different things when spoken by a man or a woman. If I understood his manly man words correctly, he has expressed his wish to marry me."
Being called a manly man, Mr. Collins preened.
"And what was your response?" Mr. Bennet asked.
"No, Mr. Collins," Elizabeth said.
"Well then," Mr. Bennet said. "I wonder what we are going to have for dinner."
"I have by no means lost hope," Mr. Collins said. "My suit must prove acceptable in the end, considering your lack of other prospects."
"Would you really wish to marry a woman who would agree to take you just because she could not get anyone else?" Elizabeth asked.
"Even if it worked, getting married is less of a problem than being married, for years and years and years," Mr. Bennet said.
"The power to accept a proposal or to refuse it is one of the very few choices that a woman has," Elizabeth said. "Before vowing to love, honour and obey some stranger."
"I for one anticipate the day we say our vows with great joy," Mr. Collins said.
"You see the problem here, Papa. Mr. Collins does not believe that the word no indicates a refusal, as spoken by a girl, and anticipates that I must give in eventually, if he perseveres long enough," Elizabeth said. "So I need you to use your man words to explain the concept of no to him in such a way that it expresses a firm intention not to marry him."
"It seems a hopeless case, Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said. "Even if you could wear her down and drag her to the altar I would not advise you to marry anyone who uses that level of sarcasm in her response to your proposal. It would be a poor match."
"A poor match!" said Lady Catherine.
"I refuse my consent," said Mr. Bennet. "For your own good, Mr. Collins."
"But my dear Mr. Bennet!" said Mr. Collins.
"You may thank him later," said Elizabeth.
"A poor match!" said Lady Catherine. "A poor match!"
Mr. Collins did not seem entirely convinced but when parrots are that decisive it is very hard to argue with them.
He had given up his matrimonial plans regarding Miss Elizabeth Bennet with difficulty but he did not pine for long as he was introduced to many other Meryton denizens during his sojourn at Longbourn. His talking bird was quite the local sensation, drawing in the Phillipses, the Gouldings, and the Longs.
When the Lucases came to see his parrot he thought that the eldest daughter Charlotte was sensible, friendly and looked rather fetching when she smiled.
"I wonder if I should marry Miss Lucas instead," he muttered to himself.
"No, Mr. Collins!" Lady Catherine said. And that was that.
When the Netherfield gentlemen came calling, Mr. Bingley had eyes for nobody but Jane Bennet. Mr. Collins wondered if he was the young man whose presence had caused Mrs. Bennet to redirect his attentions from Jane to her sisters, and wanted to make discreet inquiries about his intentions. If there was no attachment, then maybe –
But even if one intends to be discreet it does not mean that one succeeds. The way Mr. Collins questioned Mr. Bingley alarmed the latter enough that he promptly took Jane out for a walk in the shrubbery, despite the dismal weather. When they returned inside they were slightly damp and just engaged. Mr. Collins was mostly sincere when he congratulated them.
The next evening, there was an engagement party at Longbourn. Mr. Bingley's unmarried sister was dressed to impress, and Lady Catherine was duly impressed. The bird had been perched on its owner's shoulder but when it saw Miss Bingley it was love at first sight.
"Pretty girl!" Lady Catherine squeaked.
Despite her determination to be displeased, Miss Bingley was flattered by the compliment. A parrot would not lie just to be polite, would it? The bird flew around Miss Bingley, perched on her arm, tilted its head at her adoringly, and gave her many affectionate nudges.
"Miss Bingley, you have very fine feathers," Mr. Collins said.
"Why, thank you," Miss Bingley said.
Yet again, Mr. Collins had to make his proposals repeatedly, as Miss Bingley had not planned to marry a clergyman and the first few dozen applications got turned down. A lesser man might have given up by then but Lady Catherine's obvious approbation had firmly decided the matter for him. Eventually, Miss Bingley was either brought to his point of view or grew weary of repeating her refusals, thus proving his theory that an elegant female will first refuse a man that she later means to accept. His perseverance was rewarded with a corresponding increase in affection as she had enjoyed the feeling of being patiently pursued for a change, and he had to love her after going through such trouble to gain her hand.
His patroness never liked Mrs. Collins much because his wife's feathers were usually higher than hers, but his bird and his wife always saw eye to eye in matters of plumage.