Accidental Ambassador
Vala's efforts to keep a certain archeologist alive result in an interesting title change or two. Daniel is simply flabbergasted, and just a little bit worried he'll become the star of the next hit space porn. Jack and the SGC enjoy it all just a little too much!
Chapter 3
The next morning, Daniel visited the commissary to get coffee. Jack greeted him. "Well, aren't we looking refreshed," he said with meaning.
Daniel looked back at him exasperated. "Did you really come all this way because Vala and I had to get sham married again?"
"Of course I did!" He received a dubious look from the archaeologist. "And just where is that darling wife of yours?"
"Still asleep."
"Impressive," he pretended to exclaim genuinely.
"Jack."
"Daniel."
"Just drop it."
"No can do, Dannyboy."
"Why not?"
Jack leaned in. "Because this is all too much fun. The morale-boosting entertainment value of this venture is just too good to ignore." He clapped him on the back and went on his way, leaving Daniel to run his hand down his sleepy face. He stifled a yawn.
Mitchell soon entered to grab his own coffee. He sniggered at Daniel's apparent fatigue as he poured hot Joe into a Styrofoam cup. "Where's Ambassador Jackson?"
"Huh? I'm right… Oh." Daniel was too exhausted to be dealing with all this ribbing so early in the morning. "Ha, ha," he laughed along sarcastically.
Mitchell leaned in while stirring cream and sugar into the cup on the table. "Wedding night was that good, huh?"
Daniel pushed his CO away good-naturedly. "I don't kiss and tell."
"But Vala does!" Mitchell laughed evilly as he exited the commissary. Daniel followed him out, scowling.
When Teal'c fell into step with them in the hallway, all he gave Daniel was a knowing look. Daniel just knew this was going to last a good week, if not more. And with Jack's encouragement, it risked lasting much longer than that.
When he entered his office, the gifts were still there, but Vala was nowhere to be found. He returned to her quarters to find her still snuggled under the covers in bed. Daniel set the coffee cup on the nightstand. He sat on the bed and brushed hair out of her face. She smiled with closed eyes at his touch, slowly stirring from sleep. He leaned down to whisper, "The teasing is merciless. I'm hiding in here."
"Is Jack still around?" she mumbled.
"Unfortunately," he affirmed.
Her eyes opened. Daniel had the good sense to grow alarmed. She'd barely woken up, but mischief brewed there. Vala sat up, thick comforter naturally falling to her lap and revealing her naked top half.
"Oh no, you don't." He reached down to pull the blanket back up over her. He would rather keep her in bed, far away from a conniving General. Vala swatted his hands away, mumbling incoherently about the bathroom. He let her go, admiring the view as she stepped the few feet away to her private bathroom door. Daniel laid down over the rumpled covers, covering his eyes with an arm, and hoping to develop a scheme to avoid just about everyone. For a month.
000
He was just behind her on the way to the commissary for lunch. Cheers greeted her when she entered the doorway first. Daniel watched with trepidation as Vala greedily accepted the positive attention, eyes shining in delight. When it was his turn, the mostly male staff hooted and hollered for him. He swatted an arm at them ineffectually, hoping they'd stop quickly.
Daniel tried to focus on the lunch line instead. Random personnel that passed them offered quick congratulations and knowing smiles. He took a brief look around for empty seats and found members of Atlantis's primary team sitting at one table. What were they doing here? He nudged Vala and pointed them out. She nodded affirmatively. He followed her to them with trays laden with food.
"Are these seats taken?" she asked politely. John Sheppard graciously moved over along the bench, while Rodney and Ronin exchanged clipped pleasantries from across the table. Vala took the space next to Sheppard, and Daniel occupied the other end of the bench next to her.
"Soooo," Sheppard began, "What's new?" Clearly his team was confused by the crowd's reaction to their arrival.
Vala smiled as she began to dig into her food. Daniel quickly started his meal, mouth suddenly too full to answer any questions. Vala swallowed a bite and then replied, "Nothing much. You?" Sheppard just shook his head and shrugged. "Where's Teyla?"
"Back home with her baby. She had things to take care of. Got out of fun meetings with the IOA." Ronin grunted in displeasure. "Perks of being the queen of her people, so to speak."
Vala's eyes glinted at this, and Daniel could feel the silent dig she was sending his way. He continued to focus on his food rather intently. "And you, McKay? Ronin? Anything new?"
Rodney opened his mouth to respond, but Ronin bumped him into silence with his shoulder. "Not really," Ronin answered for the both of them. He didn't have the patience for his incessant rambling today. Not that he ever really did in the first place.
Sheppard ignored them. "Dr. Jackson?" he queried, hoping to nudge the otherwise silent occupant of the table.
He nodded negatively. Vala elbowed him and tilted her head. He glared at her. She glared back. Rodney looked back and forth between them, wondering how it was that they could communicate with just their eyes like that. Eventually, Daniel acquiesced. Mouth full of food, he mumbled, "Got married yesterday." Vala nodded in approval, returning to her own meal.
"Wha… really?" Rodney responded.
"Yup!" Vala smiled brightly. And here Daniel foolishly thought sitting with non-regular SGC personnel would offer him a reprieve from being the talk of the base. Noticing McKay's befuddlement, Vala further explained, "It was a survival thing. Otherwise the queen bug would have eaten Daniel."
The team from Atlantis exchanged looks of further confusion.
"Sounds… sudden," Sheppard commented.
"Oh, it's nothing that hasn't happened before," Vala replied offhandedly, taking another bite of food.
"Really?" Sheppard questioned with interest. "Do tell."
She noted their expressions. "You've never run into this with Teyla?" she asked, honestly surprised. They nodded negatively. "I thought this was routine around here." She took another bite of food. "Although I will admit, I do seem to get better presents when I marry Daniel over the others." Ronin raised an eyebrow. "Only encourages me to marry him more often." She glanced at Daniel mischievously. He tried to ignore her.
"So," Rodney prompted, "You've been married more than once?"
She nodded enthusiastically. "I married Mitchell once, and Teal'c one and a half times." They were ready to ask for clarification, but she moved on too quickly. "Oh and Sam, once."
Rodney leaned forward at this. "Sam."
She nodded emphatically. "Yes! Oh you'll find this so interesting. It all started when…"
"Ambassador Jackson!" a voice from behind her interrupted.
"Oh God," Daniel mumbled under his breath. He shoved another forkful of food into his mouth.
"Jack!" Vala immediately extricated herself from the middle seat of the bench and jumped into Jack's welcoming arms. Jack waved a dismissive hand at Sheppard, who had begun to stand at attention. Sheppard sat back down casually. "It's so good of you to come!"
He rested his hands on her shoulders affectionately. "You kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world."
"Well Daniel and I are just so grateful that you could come all this way." She smacked Daniel's back. "Aren't we, Darling?" she demanded more than asked. He seemed to choke on his food temporarily. Ronin grinned.
The General pretended not to notice. "Listen, I got you two a little something." Jack pulled a large glass bottle off the table nearest him. He had set it down before greeting Vala. Jack held it carefully in two hands to present to her. It looked to be an expensive bottle of whiskey. Vala ooohed and ahhhed at it appropriately. Jack then set it down right in front of Daniel. Sheppard immediately slid over on the bench to peer at the bottle. He whistled, impressed.
While the General and Ambassador carried on in amicable conversation, Ronin leaned closer to Daniel. "How many times has she married you?"
Mouth again full of food, which he seemed to be running out of, Daniel answered casually, "Four."
Ronin laughed quietly. Rodney blinked. Sheppard stole a look at Vala's pleasant backside, then grinned. Jack and Vala exchanged kisses to the cheek, signaling the end of their pleasant chat. Jack patted Daniel's shoulder to address him while Vala sat back down.
"I was just telling your missus here to come on up to the cabin sometime," he suggested cordially. His tone was too friendly for Daniel's liking.
Daniel stared at him blankly, chewing food.
"You have a cabin, sir?" Sheppard inquired.
"Oh yeah. No one around for miles." Jack gestured with a wide arcing motion of his arm. "No one around to hear loud, raucous…"
"Jack," Daniel warned.
"Parties. I was about to say parties."
Daniel rolled his eyes. Jack feigned suspicion.
"Well what would you be up to instead then, eh? All alone with this beautiful wife of yours? Scenic cabin. Beautiful forest all around. Real romantic if you asked me," he jested with obvious implication. Vala looked between Jack and Daniel, grinning in delight. Jack pretended to arrive at some sort of conclusion with indignant surprise as Daniel huffed into his plate. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Daniel," he chided. "We're supposed to act with some sense of decorum around here." Daniel dropped his chin to his chest, annoyed. Very annoyed. All he had to do was wait for Jack to get it out of his system. He just had to let him tire himself out like an overexcited puppy in need of a nap. It would be over faster that way. Engaging Jack O'Neill in any way would only bring more trouble to Daniel's door and prolong his suffering.
Ronin smiled slyly, while Rodney shook his head at General O'Neill's usual antics. Sheppard continued to be amused.
"Vala, dear, whip this boy into shape, will ya?"
Daniel groaned. She put up a mock salute while grinning. "Yes, sir!"
After Jack left, Vala patted Daniel's back comfortingly as he mumbled in disgust. "All I wanted to do was eat lunch. Was that too much to ask?" Daniel complained petulantly.
Vala slapped his arm lightly. "Oh don't be such a grumpy old man. Jack's just having a little fun."
"A little f… at my expense!"
"I'll make it up to you later, Darling." She offered him her sweetest smile.
Ronin observed them carefully as they bickered. Then he suddenly asked a very pointed question. "So did you two do it?"
Daniel paused in surprise and stared at him. His expression was a mixture of mortification and frustration.
"Ronin!" Sheppard hissed under his breath. Although surprised by his teammate's directness, Rodney still leaned in to hear a response.
Daniel sighed, closing his eyes to muster patience. Would he never find peace?
Without much further comment, Daniel excused himself from the table, having run out of food. Vala made it a point to force him to take Jack's gift with him, instructing him to keep it with all the others. Once he was out of earshot, the men from Atlantis began to squabble among themselves. Sheppard felt it necessary to remind Ronin of basic conversational etiquette. Rodney seemed just as flustered as usual. Vala continued on with her meal, watching their team dynamic with fascination as she ate.
"What? That's what married people do," Ronin said relaxedly.
"You can't just ask people about their private business like that!" Rodney scolded him.
"Ronin, it's called 'tact.' You should try it some time," Sheppard added.
The gruff man across the table shrugged, unconcerned.
Vala rolled her eyes, looking to Ronin. "These Earth men are always so wound up, aren't they?"
Ronin flashed her a smile, enjoying the alien camaraderie. "Tell me about it."
Sheppard and Rodney exchanged a wary glance. "I mean, honestly, they're so sensitive, about so many things!" Vala looked at the two Earth men at the table with exasperation. "I'll tell it to you straight."
Ronin leaned an arm on the table with obvious interest.
Rodney gulped.
"We had sex," she said with confident self-assurance. "More than once. And he liked it." She flashed them a naughty smile. Ronin laughed aloud. "He may or may not have agreed to stay married. Although I'll have to re-confirm that when he's not naked… and raw… in my bed. You know how people will agree to just about anything after a really good romp." She popped her mouth around that last 'p,' attracting all eyes to her lips automatically.
Rodney's mouth dropped open. Sheppard surreptitiously loosened his shirt collar.
Vala grinned like a Chesire cat. She exchanged a knowing look with Ronin, who was very entertained to see her fluster his teammates as easily as she did. He knew he liked her for a reason.
"That's it," Rodney whined, "I'm filing a formal complaint. These guys get all the fun missions!" he exclaimed, flailing an arm in her general direction. Vala chortled and got up to leave. It was in that split second as she was maneuvering out of her spot that Rodney realized, if Vala had supposedly slept with Daniel after 'marrying' him, and she also reported marrying Sam, then… "Wait a minute, you didn't finish the story about Sam!"
Vala's eyes sparkled as she stood, clearly amused. But before she could respond, Mitchell called to her from the doorway. "Princess! We gotta shake it. Let's go."
She hurried out at this summons, waving a friendly goodbye to Atlantis's most eligible bachelors. It was not lost on the three of them how good she looked in her tighter-than-normal black top and uniform pants. Rodney looked at Sheppard seriously. "I want a transfer."
000
Daniel welcomed the next mission. It got him away from the base, where all the knowing looks had driven him mad. It wasn't so much that he was ashamed of pretend-marrying Vala, nor banging her, for that matter. It was the fact that everyone knew how much he liked it that had him feeling like a fool. He preferred to go back to the way things were when they weren't considered newlyweds. When he could spend his time alone with her and nobody cared. When everyone just pretended not to notice.
Just when things would die down and he thought it was safe, something would happen offworld that saw them "married" once again. The only benefit of it was Vala's increased sex drive every time it happened. It almost made all the ribbing worth it.
Who was he kidding? Of course she was worth it.
He took a deep breath of the acrid air on the planet they had stepped on. This atmosphere was just as bad as the previous planet they had met the T-people on. Daniel coughed, having taken in too much of the sour air. It was foul, but at least it wasn't the stale air of the SGC. He at least needed that much change. He allowed Vala to step ahead of him, who was putting on the impression of a dignified queen despite her tan military attire. SG-14 followed behind them, with the female members slightly ahead of the males.
Unsurprisingly, the alien ships materialized before them and their cloaked escorts filed out. Ambassador Jackson and her mate were led inside. SG-14 was not allowed admittance. Before long, Daniel and Vala found themselves inside the T-people's holographic realm.
Katru approached them calmly, sensory fur flailing wildly about her. "And so you have returned." She was flanked by five other figures, each just as difficult to look at as she was. She seemed to regard the pair thoughtfully, three eyes swiveling between the two humans. "You have been heavily engaging in copulation."
Daniel nearly choked. Vala blinked. She hazarded a glance at her mate. Well, she wasn't wrong. "You can tell?"
"You are exuding pheromones at a significantly higher level than before," the queen explained plainly. Daniel felt himself blush. None of the aliens seemed to stir.
Vala raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "Is that relevant to our meeting?" While she had no qualms about speaking plainly on the matter with Ronin and other humans, doing so with this very foreign being was a bit strange.
"It is of interest. Your methods of reproduction are worthy of study."
Daniel idly wondered if he actually would become the star of some alien porn, sooner rather than later. He pushed the thought aside as quickly as it came.
Vala's curiosity was ignited. "Why?" she asked suspiciously.
"We study other species so that we may adopt behaviors that benefit the evolution of ours, or to avoid those that would lead to our demise."
Vala again glanced at Daniel. She quirked her eyebrows. He seemed to shrug. "Ever heard of the Asgard?"
"Yes."
"You know what happened to them?"
"Yes."
"Clearly their behaviors are not worthy of adoption." Behind Vala, Daniel shifted uncomfortably.
"Agreed. We, too, dabbled in attempts to manipulate our genetic code, but not to the degree that the Asgard reached."
Vala looked back to Daniel. She commented with her eyes and he encouraged her with his. "The Asgard lost the ability to reproduce naturally," Vala remarked. "Are you in fear of the same happening to you?"
"Yes," the queen admitted readily.
Vala sensed an opening. "What would you like to know about human behaviors?" Daniel sucked in a breath, as if reminding Vala that they were treading into the unknown.
"The efficiency with which your reproductive methods maintain the population of your species."
"You mean how much sex does it take to make a baby?"
"Yes."
Vala stifled a laugh. Daniel looked bewildered.
"Just to be clear, demonstrations are not needed, correct?" Daniel nudged her hand, suddenly concerned. She better be messing with him. Never more than now had he hoped for it.
"We have the technical knowledge regarding your methods. The knowledge we lack relates to the circumstances by which your pheromones are activated and the rituals surrounding copulation. We have yet to discern how you achieve reproduction so effectively."
Vala's eyes narrowed. She smelled opportunity. "We can volunteer this information to you… but there are conditions."
The queen paused, silently conferring with her council among them.
"Vala," Daniel quietly warned under his breath.
She flashed him a conspiratorial smile, both reassuring him and worrying him at the same time.
"Name your conditions."
Vala rubbed her hands together.
000
Mitchell stared at Vala in the briefing room, dumbfounded. General Landry adopted a slightly incredulous but more dignified expression. Jack, who was still hanging around the SGC for reasons Daniel had yet to understand, seemed confused.
Vala leaned back in her chair, quite satisfied with herself. She shared a smirk with Teal'c across from her. He regarded Vala with something akin to amusement and pride.
It was Jack who eventually broke their stunned silence. "Let me get this straight. You got the T-people to drop their demands for an unlimited supply of naquedah and threats to exterminate the human race? In exchange for teaching them the birds and the bees?" He was unconvinced.
"I can assure you, my good General, that our conversation had nothing to do with avian lifeforms nor insects of a hive variety," Vala attempted to clarify helpfully. Daniel brought his fingers up to the space between his eyes and pinched.
She ignored the looks of exasperation from around the table. "I have a rather profound suspicion that these aliens are not what they seem. Clearly, they knew about the Asgards and wanted nothing to do with that evolutionary debacle. But they also seemed quite confused on what to do with themselves."
"How you figure?" Mitchell asked.
"Well a race as advanced as them ought to have bigger and better priorities than watching other races do the deed."
"Alien porn?" Mitchell wondered aloud. Daniel shook his head.
Vala hummed in agreement. "My guess is they are at risk in some way and actually need the naquedah to power the systems that keep them alive."
"What systems?" Landry inquired.
"Not sure yet," she said thoughtfully. "But there has to be more going on here."
"Didn't they outright tell you, humans are nutritious?" Mitchell doubted.
"Only the ones with naquedah in their blood."
"So where'd everyone get the idea that they eat people?"
"Ha! Ask Daniel's underlings."
All eyes turned to Daniel. He shrugged.
"Perhaps we should scan them with the George Hammond," Teal'c suggested.
"Not without their consent," Landry declared. "We won't risk a diplomatic scuffle."
Vala nodded in agreement. "Of course, General. I can work that out during our next meeting."
Jack turned to Daniel. "Daniel? Anything to add?"
He pursed his lips for a moment in thought, then relaxed. "No, I think Vala pretty much has it all under control."
Mitchell nodded with approval. He made eye contact with Vala. "Nice."
She beamed in delight. She had put her considerable skills to good use and got her man. Things couldn't be better.
"Just one more thing," Jack insisted before the meeting could adjourn. He looked straight at Daniel. "We should make this arrangement permanent."
"What are you talking about?" Daniel asked with suspicion.
"Vala gets to keep her title."
Daniel and Vala exchanged curious glances. Landry and Teal'c seemed satisfied. Mitchell crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, unworried.
"Which… title?" Daniel wondered hesitantly. If this was going to be another dig at them supposedly getting married…
Jack looked at Vala, eyes sparkling. Her smile grew from cautious to grinning. She thought she could sense his mischief and loved every bit of it.
"How 'bout it, Ambassador?"
She stared back at Jack with a question in her eyes, smile never leaving her face. She raised her eyebrows. "Really?"
"Yeah. Why not?"
Daniel turned fully to Vala, pride in his eyes now instead of caution. "I concede," he said with finality, effectively giving up his supposed title of ambassador to her.
"I'll… think about it," Vala decided.
Jack squinted. Mitchell uncrossed his arms, a bit surprised.
"Hmm, okay. I thought about it. I accept."
Landry blew out of breath, scoffing at her charming antics.
"But not before receiving a substantial pay raise to accompany the new official title."
Daniel's chin sank into his hand, elbow suddenly resting on the table. He was only slightly exasperated this time. Teal'c smirked again quietly.
Jack blinked. Then slowly he smiled. "I'm sure we can work something out."
000
They ended up at McGinty's to celebrate Vala's new position. A few beers in, Daniel had loosened up considerably and no longer seemed to mind all the jokes flying his way about his latest sham marriage.
He and Mitchell leaned back against the bar, watching as she laughed easily with Jack, Teal'c, and a few other personnel from the SGC. The pair clinked bottles. Each man took another swig.
"Ya know," Mitchell started, "All this ribbing can go away with one simple solution."
His conspiratorial tone made Daniel squint at his CO. "Let me guess."
Mitchell cocked his head and grinned at him.
"I have to actually marry her."
"Ding ding ding!"
Daniel shook his head and returned to observing Vala from a few feet away. But he never let go of the grin that formed on his face at Mitchell's lighthearted suggestion. His CO laughed loudly, clapping him on the back then taking another swig of beer.
"But it needs to be under the eyes of God, Jackson. A real marriage. None of this funny business from…" he looked left and right, "out of town."
"Know any good priests?"
Mitchell guffawed. He was about to answer when he found himself distracted by the latest patron to enter the bar. "Later," he suddenly bid him farewell, abandoning him for Carolyn Lam. Daniel smirked. He made up his mind to find excuses to bring her along on missions, just to get Mitchell accidentally married, too. Landry would just love that.
"What are you thinking about?" Vala asked as she approached, snaking her arms around his waist. She turned to see Mitchell greeting Dr. Lam. "Oh," she waggled her eyes at Daniel.
"Mmm hmm. Care to plan a little revenge with me?"
"Does the Earth rotate around the Sun?"
Daniel grinned at Vala. He pecked her on the lips with a chaste kiss. "Having fun, Ambassador?"
"I am, actually. I'm quite proud of myself, really. First I get my foot in the airlock to join your little Stargating club, and now here I am, about to lead my own missions. Before you know it, they'll be crowning me General."
Daniel shook his head. "First of all, not how it works." He laughed at her, fully understanding that she already knew that. "And second, you should be proud of yourself. You did good."
Vala smiled at him genuinely. "Yeah?"
He kissed her fully, not minding if there might be an audience. "Yeah."
Soon he heard forks clanking against beer bottles. A lot of them. When they looked, everyone in their crowd from the SGC was participating. Another wedding tradition.
"Kiss her again, Jackson!" Mitchell yelled enthusiastically.
Daniel flipped Vala back and complied, kissing her passionately and shamelessly while their friends cheered.
Epilogue
"Greetings, Ambassador Lam."
Carolyn stared wide-eyed at the alien queen. The detailed descriptions from the mission reports failed to fully prepare her for what was before her. She glanced at Mitchell, slightly behind and to the side of her, and gave him a look that said, Really?
He shrugged and urged her on.
"Hello," she responded tentatively.
"Ambassador Jackson speaks highly of you, saying you have much knowledge on the topics we seek."
Still in shock at the very alien-looking creature conversing with her, she said, "I'll have to thank her later." Carolyn couldn't shake the feeling that this was a little beyond her skillset. Sex ed for aliens? For some reason Vala and Daniel insisted it be her, as the Chief Medical Officer on base. She narrowed her eyes when she thought of how they reasoned that Cameron would be the perfect escort.
It was suspicious.
"You and your mate will be accommodated in the space next to this anteroom while we finalize our preparations."
Mitchell coughed in surprise at the word 'mate'. But he knew not to speak. That part had been emphasized to him by Jackson repeatedly.
And suddenly all the pieces fit together in Carolyn's mind. Vala had told her all about how the alien queen mistook her for another queen, and that Daniel was regarded as her servant. It was all about the females being in power in their society.
Well. Carolyn could play that game.
She turned fully toward Mitchell and gave him her most wicked smile. "Looks like we'll just have to wait over there then, hmm, husband?" She raised her eyebrows as she said it.
He gulped and nodded.
As the aliens closed the door to their little room, he stared at it, now feeling trapped. Pretending to check the perimeter of the room as part of a feigned security sweep, he loosened his collar. This was a set up. He could smell Jackson and Vala all over it.
When Mitchell turned around to see Carolyn calmly sitting on the bench, she smiled serenely at him. It was just a little too friendly. Lord help him.
Landry was going to kill him.
He had just married his only daughter.
A/N: And now complete! What did you think? I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know your thoughts by leaving a review. Thank you if you made it this far!