Summary: As the months pass Edward and Winry are both getting used to being a couple and still also getting sudden surprises as their emotional and psychological problems rear their ugly heads from time to time. This time it is Ed's turn to get some catharsis from his partner. The middle scenes is mostly to show them slowly getting used to being not just physically attracted to the other, but becoming overtly honest about it.
Notes: Good, another update that is on time. The tags have been updated again due to the first scene having a potential trigger. Don't worry, this will refer to past suicidal thoughts and not present ones. I am sending Edward and Winry through an emotional rollercoaster in this work, but it is all for their ultimate good. Learning how to deal with their emotional and psychological garbage will make their later marriage a very happy one. Also, it is time to throw that 'I love you' stigma out of the window!
On 2 October Winry walked past the door to the brother's room just before getting ready for bed and noticed Edward lying on his bed again with his hands folded behind his head. He was frowning and had his eye closed. "You look like you bit down on a lemon and it isn't even the third yet," Winry pointed out as she came in and patted his head. "Would you mind lying down," he asked in a grumble. "Of course not," she told him and lied down next to him. He opened his eyes and gave her a look that reminded her of a puppy caught out in the rain.
"Why do you still look like this? Most of the stuff has been fixed and you said you are content with a prosthetic leg," she whispered into his left ear and tickled his cheek with her right index finger's knuckle. It was nice feeling the unshaven facial hair. Every time they grew in it made him look older and she kind of liked that. A baby face was cute, but this made him look more attractive in her mind. He huffed, but started smiling a bit as he put his left hand behind her head and started touching her front bangs.
"One of the few good things about not having that weighing on me, is that I can sort out my thoughts," he admitted, "A lot has happened in the last few months and I hadn't really fully had a time to reflect on everything." "And how do you feel," she asked. "Certainly better than I did a year ago." He turned his head toward her a smiled. "I think you guess some of those reasons," he said and leaned to her. "Yes, I think I can," she replied and did the same to show agreement. They exchanged a brief kiss.
"Of course, you are the biggest reason by far." "You are such a dork." "But, I'm your dork," he pointed out. "And I am very happy about that," she replied and flicked his nose. He laughed in response. "Your ability to turn my mood around so quickly is impressive." "That's what romantic partners are supposed to do for each other, Ed. They help the other out with all of their emotional baggage." Suddenly a gloomy mood came on him and she frowned in turn. "Is something wrong?"
He didn't say anything for a moment and gave her a sad look as she continued to get more worried. "Would you mind too much if I were to dump some of that emotional baggage on you, right now?" "Of course not! Come on, tell me what's wrong." "It's not really a thing any more... It's got better over time, but there is a very nasty part of my psyche I hid from everyone out of fear, but over the past few days I have been trying to convince myself to finally confess to at least you. If you want to accept me completely, you should know about all the dark stuff."
She turned to lie on her right back and looked right into his eyes. "Go right ahead, Ed. And I'll be your candle in the darkness," she offered and swept his bang up. He inhaled and closed his eyes, which immediately started to leak tears. "Shh, shh," she whispered and cupped his left cheek with her hand. He sat up. His breathing hitched and his left hand, which was already hanging limply on her left shoulder, fell down. "I..." He didn't continue talking and started to shake a bit. She put both of her hands around his back and hugged him tight. He cried into her right shoulder.
Beware of psychological triggers from this point on in the scene:
"I don't think I really love myself," he whispered so quietly even she barely heard it, but the shock of that admission made her breathing hitched too. Edward appeared to be breaking down even worse. Away fell the brave and kind persona, and it almost felt like she was looking at a broken little boy, despite the fact he was taller than her and a fellow adolescent. She had never seen him look this broken. "N... N...," he stuttered before taking another gulp. "Not since the time we tried to resurrect mom."
"Why? You know you couldn't have brought her back," she asked as she felt her own eyes sting. "It's not that. I accepted mom would never come back, long ago. But I hurt Al so badly, and the fact I eventually got him back has not fixed the fact that my psyche broke down that day." He shook again and took another calming breath. "When I realised he was gone I felt so broken, I threw myself before Truth and offered everything I could give to get him back. Implicitly, even my life itself. Pretty sure I shouted an explicit offer for my heart."
She continued hugging him and was now crying herself. "When I woke up and found out it had actually been real, it got even worse. It wasn't just depression you saw." He sniffled, and she took a napkin from her right pant pocket to offer it to him. "T... Thanks." He blew his nose. "It wasn't just depression, but also raw and painful self-hatred. I absolutely despised myself. I hurt Al because of my own stupidity and my own need to have my mummy help me stand up on my own. No matter how much he insists it was a shared error of us both, I have never accepted it inside."
"Why not?" "Because it feels wrong. Like I'm dumping my own fault on him after I already hurt him so much. I thought getting his body back would fix it, but it didn't! In the recesses of my mind, I still feel that thing is there. The suggestion that my life is worthless because of what I did. That I don't deserve to live for myself." "Why did you never say anything," she whisper-yelled into his ear as they continued to hug and cry. "They are my own problems. I shouldn't dump them on you, I thought."
"That's stupid! We would gladly help you, because what you are saying is stupid. We all thought, when Mustang came, you stopped feeling like that." "I never really did. He just gave me a way to fully justify myself. Once the basis for me continuing to live was restoring Al, the thoughts could be held back more easily. When I realised they were still there after the Promised Day, I was afraid they would come back, but fortunately they didn't. But I know they are there, and it scares me that they could still return."
They were silent for a bit. "Back then it took just a few days to reach the absolute abyss, and it was luck that I was dragged out of it. I was too broken to ask for help and if Mustang hadn't come, I..." He started shaking worse than before and his entire body lost the strength to support itself, and he fell back down on the bed. "I would have probably killed myself." At that moment, she felt like somebody had just stabbed her in the heart. "Fucking hell, Ed. You were eleven back then. How did you..." She barely suppressed the urge to throw up her lunch, and the flow of her tears picked up.
"How did you become suicidal that quick? How badly did you hurt, that any part of you seriously considered ending your life to be the better option?" "I tried to justify living on, but I needed someone to slap the stupid out of me. The offer of a state alchemist title did that. An explicit path to follow. But it did not heal that part of me. After I got used to being the Fullmetal Alchemist, it receded back a lot more, and it became a lot easier to justify myself. I started helping people too and could argue that I was doing good in the world.
But even now, if somebody would ask me whether I loved myself, I would not be able to answer affirmatively without feeling like a liar." They stopped talking for some time and just continued to hug each other and cry. He to relieve the pain of his own broken psyche and she for the pain that he had endured. All the sense of loss she had ever had clearly paled in comparison. She had always thought that no child could feel bad enough to desire death, but clearly her boyfriend had once seriously considered it preferable.
"Did you ever think about k... About doing that later?" It still felt wrong to even mention this in the context of Edward. He was supposed a brave jerk with a heart of gold, but instead they were hugging as he was admitting to that! "Maybe once or twice during recovery from surgery in moments of weakness, but later I got able to swiftly refuse the thoughts, when they bubbled up. But I think that subconsciously it is a lot more prevalent even now." She gasped and immediately pushed him forward to fix him with a look.
He couldn't meet her eyes. His face looked too much like the tragedy theatrical mask, and she hated it. "What do you mean," she almost screamed. "I think a part of the reason I tend to act so bravely," he said with audible quotes around that word, "is because deep down I don't really value my life, so it makes it easier to accept the potential risk of running into a fight." He took another shuddering breath. "Which means one of the things you like about me is a lie," he whispered dejectedly.
That declaration got the only response it deserved. His left cheek stung from the slap. "Listen to me," she screamed, and did not care if anybody else heard them. "Never put yourself down like that! I know pretence when I see it." He stared at her with wide eyes as he rubbed the bit she slapped with his left hand. "You are the bravest and kindest person I have ever met, and I will not have anyone, THE LEAST OF ALL YOU, put yourself down. The fact that you managed to be like you are, while you carried ALL OF THAT around, just makes you even more impressive and amazing."
He sniffled again and blew his nose in the napkin he still had with him. "Thank you. Maybe one day I will be able to believe that without reservation." She put her right hand on his chin and forced it up, so he would look into her eyes. "Please, Ed, never stop loving yourself. You are absolutely worth it, and the fact even people like you are mortal is the biggest crime in the world." He started having hiccups. "Okay. I will... try to remember that." "Please do," she implored as he leaned towards him.
"You know the pain of losing your mother. It would hurt us just like losing her did you and Al, if you were gone too. Never give into that desire for oblivion, there is always going to be another way. Never forget that, even when you feel like somebody smashed your heart with a hammer, there are still people that love you and want you to continue living." He nodded and she took a breath. "I love you, Ed." He gasped, and another tear leaked out. "Please don't leave me." They would continue hugging for endless minutes until they fell asleep like that from sheer emotional exhaustion.
After seeing how they looked, both Alphonse and Pinako decided to let them stay like that. It wasn't how the two of them imagined their first night sleeping together would be like, but nobody could deny it was intimate, just not in a way most people would expect a teenage couple's first night sharing a bed would be like. Winry woke up first out of all three people in that room and after realising what happened slowly slipped out to get breakfast. If she had looked behind, she would have noticed Ed looking after her. "I love you too, Win." He sniffed. "And I do want to stay."
It was agreed that shortly after New Years' Winry would once more head to Rush Valley for another round of apprenticeship in preparation for eventually taking over after her grandmother. "How about I teach you how to do checkups on your own leg?" Edward immediately straightened out in his chair and looked at her with surprise. "You think that's simple enough for me?" "I said checkups, not fixes, Ed," she pointed out. "But yes, go ahead and sit down on the lounger over there." They moved over, and he sat down with his legs on the top of it.
She pulled her chair from the side. "There are several things your leg must be able to do at all times, and inability to do any is sufficient to require a visit to a mechanic. The first is that all three of your joints," she touched his ankle, then his knee and finally his hip, "can be moved freely unless they cause contact between different parts of the surface. Okay?" She looked up and noticed the slightest hint of a blush. "Yeah," he breathed out. Why...? Oh, she did touch his hip rather close to his waist.
"Sorry, I distracted you a bit with that last touch, didn't I?" He gave a small nod. "It's my bad, I should be paying attention to your instructions and not how close your hand is to my... waist." She noticed the brief pause, but decided to ignore it for their sakes, despite her own blush. "Okay, try moving all of those joints in as many directions as you can, and I will show you how far they are supposed to go. We'll start from the ankle."
All the movements were either optimal for a person with their own leg or what automail naturally limited one's movements to, because the prosthetics were made out of metal alloys, which are naturally stiffer than any skin or muscle. "If you ever notice any of those ranges reducing, then something is stuck, which could cause another issue. But if they suddenly expand, then something is probably broken, and you should go to a mechanic immediately. And no, waiting until you can get to me is not acceptable."
He looked down with a slight look of guilt. "You know, it feels wrong for me to go to someone else," he muttered. "Good grief, Ed, I don't care who fixes your leg as long as they do it right. You are not 'cheating' on me." She gave an exasperated wag of her head. "The second part that's important is checking the oil in your leg is in a good condition," she continued and pulled out a small screwdriver. "You can unscrew the access point here." Edward looked down as she opened a small bit on the top left of his thigh.
He ignored suggestions from his hormones and paid attention to the actual work. She slightly turned his leg to the right side. "See that little yellow circle?" "Yeah." "Pull it out, and you will see the first oil stick." He did, and out came a small stick covered in dark yellow oil. He put it in front of his face and observed it. "That looks good," he suggested. "This is the optimum colour. If it's cloudy or dark, it means you should have it changed. Also, I suggest not holding it like that." "Why," he asked the moment enough oil accreted at the bottom to drip down.
"That's why," she said the moment his shirt got hit with it. She took the stick away from him as he tried to swipe it away and just made it worse by spreading it out. "No! Let me close up the access port, and we will get it washed properly," she yelled at him and quickly put everything back. "Should have told you to wear different clothing too," she muttered as they went into the bathroom, although she was aware that would have led to her being distracted, since she liked checking out his torso too.
"Give me that shirt," she ordered, and immediately felt her cheeks turn scarlet. His also reddened a bit, but he undressed as asked. She took a breath and tried not to stare too much. The faint body hair had thickened over the last five months, but she liked that new look even more. He was not exactly a little boy anymore. She turned around and after tearing off a paper towel to try blotting out the oil, she then applied dish soap to the fabric and took out a brush to start rubbing it. Her boyfriend decided to stand next to her and observe her, and she wanted to swear.
At this angle, she could clearly see his six-pack and the biceps of his left hand. She almost ended up tearing the strands as she brushed harder in an only partly successful attempt to distract herself. She pulled out baking soda and repeated the process. Finally, it was done, and she let it rest for a while after putting it in the sink and covering it in hot water. "We'll need to leave it there for an hour," she told him. "Sorry about this," he said. "No, it's fine." She turned around and everything was not fine. Why did he not go to get another shirt yet?
She noticed he was looking at her with a slight frown. "Is that discomfort or something else," he asked, and she responded with a confused looked. "Never mind," he suddenly said and turned around to leave. "Wait," she implored while asking why the hell she was delaying him getting a short on, "what did you mean?" He turned back with a guilty look and look down. "Do you... like what you see?" Two second of silence followed. "Yeah." She almost slapped herself for admitting that.
"I find the way you look without a shirt really attractive," her mouth said, and she felt like she was actually catching on fire. "I see," he said, and took a breath that made his chest move in a way she liked. "I think you look hot with just this top on, too." How that didn't set her on fire, she could not explain. "Thanks," she squeaked out. He stepped closer. "Do you want to have a better look?" She blinked. He was already naked, how... He stepped closer to her, and she could see his chest rising and falling.
A sudden desire to touch him made her realise the probable intention, and she was a bit too excited to resist. She touched his abs and felt first his warm skin and a layer of firm muscle beneath that. He leaned down toward her with a look that was not even remotely chaste. The question was obvious. "Go ahead." He took her head with his right arm and pulled them into a kiss. She continued touching him. He suddenly put his left hand on her tummy and slowly patted it.
The strength of the kiss slowly weakened and they split their lips. He went for her right side, and this time she did the same thing. With all else completely forgotten, they started making out in earnest. She started touching the other muscles on his torso with her right hand and the once on his back with her left as they both covered their necks with kisses. His right hand was playing with his hair again, while the left was still patting her midriff. "You're beautiful," he whispered in her ear, and she shivered.
"Speak for yourself. Do you have any idea how hard it will be for me to get to sleep after seeing you like this," she whispered back. "Pretty sure I do. Seeing you walk around with this top is often enough for me to not get much sleep either," he admitted and then kissed her earlobe, which made her shiver. As they came closer together, she noticed that they were both reacting. It was starting to feel more normal to feel the hard on in his pants, but he did not seem to care about that as they continued making out.
"I see, or rather feel, that you find me really attractive," she teased, and he just laughed. "Why should I bother pretending otherwise? I doubt it's different for you," he pointed out, and she giggled. "Edward! Winry!" The voice of Pinako made them almost jump out of their flushed skins. "Dinner is ready." "We'll be there in a minute," he yelled back and tried not to sound completely pissed. "Do we have to," his girlfriend asked with a gutted tone. "Do you want her to walk in on us making out half-naked?" "You make a fair point," she admitted.
The first snowflakes started falling in Resembool during early January. Alphonse had gone to Central City to a meeting scheduled with Stephen Cartwright, the Minister of Education, but Edward stayed behind for reasons Winry was not quite clear about, until she found him leaning against the veranda railing with a barely drunk cup of coffee steaming between them. Her first thought was that he probably needed to get a shave, because he had a bit more than just a five-o'clock shadow on his face. Over the last several months, she learned to associate late shaves with stress or nervousness on his part.
"Isn't that going to get cold," she asked, and he seemed to tense up. "Probably," he admitted, and took the barest of sips before placing it back down. As she came closer, she noticed that he had a grimace that made him look even older than that unshaven facial hair. "Something wrong, Ed?" He closed his eyes and exhaled a small cloud of mist. "Most likely just me being a dumbass again," he told her, but continued to not make eye contact. "You look like your nerves are acting up again," she noted.
"Like I said, I am just being a dumbass again," he said, and she grabbed his shoulder. "Ed, having psychological issues is not the same thing as being a dumbass. Now tell me what's wrong, because we both know you tend to cover up your problems and just end up hurting yourself in the process," she told her boyfriend and when he still looked reticent, she grabbed his cheeks and forced him to turn his head. She saw a haunted look in his eyes before he turned away.
"You would tell me if you didn't like something about our relationship," he suddenly asked, and she was only somewhat surprised that was his choice of poison for today. "Of course," she declared, and he finally looked at her for longer than two seconds. "Because I woke up and genuinely felt like the last eight months were a fever dream," he explained. "And you didn't go to me immediately, because...?" "Because it hurt bad enough already." "So you just decided to ruminate on it," she assessed with a tone that was already starting to get angry. He winced.
"Yes. Because I am bad at this and should never..." "DO NOT," she said with a tone that dared him to defy her. "How many times do I have to remind you that a relationship takes time and work? Every time we come across a rough patch, you start falling into self-doubt, but it looks like this time you really got it bad," she said and started to drag them inside. He left the coffee cup outside. "I am not letting you go until you confess all your hurts, so I can tell them to fuck off and leave my amazing, brave and selfless boyfriend alone one by one," she said.
Then she firmly pushed him to force him down on the couch before she laid herself across his legs so he could not get up and leave. He took several calming breaths. "I know that a relationship just working is a romantic ideal that's basically impossible, Win," he admitted. "But...?" "But, I feel like even all the discussions, dates and everything we do can't possibly be enough. As much as I love kissing you, I'm afraid I am deluding myself and everything will suddenly snap back and leave me a wretched pile on the floor."
"Why," she asked with a tone she hoped sounded kind. "Because it seems... too good, I guess. A part of me feels like it should not be working and going this well. That there must something wrong deep down, and I am making up an illusion that has to give way at any moment." She pressed her right index finger on his face and made him look at her again. "What if it is not an illusion," she suggested, and he gave a sad smile. "Feel free to attempt making my head convinced. You are one of the few people that I think has a chance to find some success, Win."
"I will," she declared and prevented him from turning back around. "No, keep looking at me. If you are having doubts, then I want you to commit this to memory: the face of a girl that fell in love with you and that means it, when she tells you that. Tell your depression to take a very long holiday, and preferably a permanent one! I will not have it torture you, Ed!" He started crying. "I don't deserve you," he muttered. "Does it look like I give a damn about whether you do or do not deserve me?!" He laughed at that answer, but still tears ran down his face.
"I told you that I have those really possessive thoughts about you. A recurrent sexual fantasy of mine involves biting your shoulders and giving you hickeys to mark you and make a visible claim on you," he admitted. "If you are trying to scare me off, then you need to find something better," she dismissed him. "But I want to make everyone know that you are mine," he continued. "I already am yours," she replied, and he sniffled. "You already own my heart, Ed," she pointed out. "And it's not like I don't have unwholesome sexual fantasies about you either," she added.
"Your head doesn't get to decide for me, Ed. In fact, I bet that is the perfect way to get your view of yourself out of that gutter, where you threw it back in the day. You keep mentioning that streak of possessive thoughts like it is some kind of mantra. You mutter about the fear that you would try to claim me." He nodded. "Well, deciding for me is exactly what you are afraid of doing. So, why the hell are you letting your depression think for me? I get to judge whether I want to be with you or not, don't I?" He continued nodding. "Then let me worry about that," she ordered him.
He showed her a sad smile and looked down. "You make it sound so easy," he whispered. "Because it is, Ed. I want to be your girlfriend and hopefully a partner and wife later on down the line. I doubt you feel any different, even if you still don't feel like you can say 'I love you' without being afraid about lying, if not at least accidentally." He sniffed and nodded. "I will keep lying down on you until you can look me in the eyes and tell me that your fears and concern have taken a hike. I hate seeing you like this, and I might start crying too, which you hate," she informed him.
He tried to wipe his eyes, and she was encouraged by feeling some of the tenseness flow out of him. "Win, I am so fortunate to have you as my girlfriend. You can always grab my bullshit and throttle it to the floor in a way I never can." She smiled at him and the view made him leak more tears. "And I don't mind doing that. Sometimes you are a stubborn idiot, but I know that. I accepted you that way, so worrying about the fact you are one, when it comes to your own perception of what you need to do to earn my love, is POINTLESS! I don't demand it of you, Ed."
She raised her back up so she was closer to him. "I love YOU, Ed. I don't just love parts of you like your bravery or your kindness. I love Edward Elric in all his dimensions, and that knowledge is why I am not afraid of saying 'I love you' to you. There is nothing that is you and that is not included. Yes, even the stuff I don't know about yet. I am that sure." He inhaled, threw his hands around her, and they crashed together into a kiss. This time it was the rare case of emotional intimacy in place of the usual physical one associated with the act.
"I want to have the bravery to say that too," he ground out. "But the only part of me that can claim that sort of love for you is the hormonal one, and you know my opinion about having sex." She nodded. "I know, and I agree that until we can't proclaim our desire to spend the rest of our lives together, we should not go for it. But we still have time to get better at this. We're still teenagers, Ed. We don't need to go straight to absolute devotion to each other." She leaned back and looked into his eyes. "In the meantime, please, stop giving your depression deference.
I beg you, stop judging and second guessing yourself, Ed! Love doesn't just talk, it also acts. He hitched for a moment and then started kissing her neck and the visible parts of her shoulders, while still tensing up and letting out some tears. "I'll try, Win. For you, I'll try everything I can do," he declared, and she patted his back. "Never keep anything from me. I offered to be your 'candle in the dark' and I meant it, because I love you, Edward Elric." He sniffed again and looked up at her with wet eyes, but a smile too. "I love you too, Winry Rockbell," he said and flopped them both down on the couch as she gasped in reaction to him finally saying that to her face.
He started getting hiccups again. "You have my heart too," he told her. "You've always had it, but I was just too stupid to recognise that. The only reason I don't say it all the time is that I am such a fucking coward that I do not trust myself to be a fair judge of my own feelings," he whispered in her ear, and she giggled almost inaudibly at the tickling his facial hair gave to her cheeks. "This is what I feel like. I want to love you in every way possible, and that includes both romantic and carnal. I have it so bad for you that it is not even funny." He went to give her neck more kisses.
"For the last year, you are the only person I think about in that way, and I can't find it in me to want going back. I want to be your boyfriend, your lover, your husband, you're everything." She melted from hearing that. "How could that feeling possibly be an illusion, Ed? Something that strong and specific has to be real," she argued. "Maybe." "No, not maybe! Every time you wake up, I want the first thing you do to be thinking about what you just said. Your love is determined not by the dark shadows of depression, but the light inside your soul."