The world felt like it moved in slow motion as Maya and Carina stood there next to their newborn daughter and listened to the doctor discuss the fact that she had grade two bleeds in both sides of her brain.
Dr. Jax seemed optimistic that they were only grade II because most children who had ones that size developed typically and had very little if any complications from them. However, Lia was going to be monitored closely in the coming days, weeks, and probably years just to make sure everything was ok.
Also, because her blood counts were dropping, they knew the bleeds were active or had been recently so they were going to make sure they didn't get any bigger. They were also going to be monitoring her blood counts closely to make sure the numbers didn't continue to drop because if they did, Lia was going to need a transfusion. He explained that nothing caused this aside from Lia's prematurity, but that it was a fairly common thing to see in preemies.
Maya actually thought she might throw up listening to Dr. Jax talk, basically running out of the NICU the second he was done. She ran into the single stall bathroom, ignoring the fact that this was a public restroom in a hospital as she knelt on the floor in front of the toilet, dry heaving a little.
As she did, the door opened as she realized she had forgotten to lock it behind her, not daring to look at who it was. It wasn't until she heard the door lock and felt someone scoop her hair off her neck and whisper to her in Italian that she realized it was her wife.
"Shhhh, Bambina, calmati," Carina said gently, pulling the hair tie out of her own hair and using it to secure Maya's in a messy bun before standing up again, wetting a paper towel with cold water and pressing it to the back of Maya's neck, "Stai bene."
They stayed there for another minute, Maya gagging a few times but never actually getting sick.
"Are you ok?" Carina asked after her wife's body seemed to relax a tiny bit.
"Our baby's brain is bleeding," Maya said, turning and looking at her wife with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I know," Carina said, tears filling her own eyes , "But she is in the best hospital she can be with the best doctors. I don't know how much you heard of what Dr. Jax was saying, and I'll admit I didn't hear much, but he did say he is going to consult with Amelia just to make 100% sure everything is ok."
"Carina, what if she…what if something happens to her?" Maya choked out, "What if it gets worse? We…I…we can't lose her."
"I know," Carina said, trying to be strong for her wife in this moment, "I know. But they are going to do everything they can to help her, ok? And so are we. We can go hold her and talk to her and make sure she is as comfortable as she can be so her little brain can heal, ok?"
"How are you so calm?" Maya asked, looking at her wife.
"I'm not," Carina admitted, "I was this close to joining you over the toilet. This is all really scary. I mean, I see patients go through it often and I have always felt bad for them, but now, watching our little Lia go through it…It's a lot. But I want to be strong for you."
"You don't have to be Babe," Maya said, brushing a piece of messy hair from Carina's face, "You don't have to be strong. You can fall apart too."
"I know," Carina said, leaning into Maya's touch, "I'm ok enough for now. Should we get cleaned up and go back to see our Trottolina?"
"I think we should," Maya said, "She needs lots of cuddles today. Is the bleed making her hurt?"
"Not really," Carina said, "Not at this stage. I mean, I don't think she feels very well, but she isn't in pain. But I think she probably could use a lot of cuddles today. I know we both need Lia cuddles today."
Maya nodded as they washed their hands and faces in the sink, Carina giving Maya a small kiss before taking her hand as they went back to the NICU.
"I really thought Lia was going to stop making me nauseous after she was born," Maya sighed as they walked down the hall, causing Carina to chuckle a little. They got scrubbed back into the NICU before heading over to Lia's bed.
"Are we still allowed to hold her?" Maya asked, suddenly feeling very worried she would somehow hurt the little girl.
"Of course," Jenna, her nurse said, coming over, "She would actually probably love being held. She's been a little irritable and we usually find that skin to skin contact helps a lot."
"Do you want to hold her first?" Maya asked, looking at her wife.
"I had her last night," Carina said, "You can go first."
Maya nodded, sitting down in the chair as she unzipped her sweatshirt, Jenna carefully putting Lia on Maya's chest, the baby crying for a minute until she heard Maya's voice shushing her and settled with a little sigh.
"I'm sorry you don't feel well Trottolina," Maya said, pressing a careful kiss to the top of Lia's head, "Mamma and I are right here."
"Yes we are," Carina said, sitting down in another chair that had appeared next to Lia's bed, "We love you so much Trottolina. You are doing such a good job."
The rest of the day was pretty much spent at Lia's bedside, the only time either of them left was to go to the bathroom and Maya to go pump. Carina tried to convince her wife to go eat something at one point, but Maya told her that she couldn't stomach the thought of food and Carina couldn't disagree so she didn't push it too hard, deciding they would eat dinner that night.
They rechecked Lia's blood around noon and discovered her counts were too low so at barely four days old, Lia got her first blood transfusion which she tolerated extremely well but it scared Maya and Carina a lot to see their baby getting blood pumped into her body.
As it neared 3 pm, they realized they were going to have to leave soon, having promised the twins they would pick them up after nap time.
"How are we supposed to leave her?" Maya asked, looking down at Lia who was snuggled up on her chest, sound asleep, "I mean, Carina, she's sick. She needs us."
"I know," Carina said, "I don't want to leave her either. But we promised the twins. Maybe we could go home with them for a few hours and then one of us could come back at bedtime?"
"I would have to be you," Maya said, "I can't drive yet."
"If you wanted to be the one to come back, I could have someone come stay at the house while I drove you," Carina said, "I mean, the bambine wouldn't know. But it is up to you."
"I don't know," Maya sighed, "I don't want to leave her at all."
"Lo so," Carina said, reaching over and putting her arm on Maya's shoulder, "I can go get the bambine and you can stay. I can try to explain to them that Lia is sick right now and needs one of us."
"But I don't want to break our promise to the twins either," Maya said frustratedly, "God, I wish there were an easier answer."
"Why don't we go home with the bambine for a little while, give them some cuddles and play with them for a little while and then one of us can come back. Lia will be ok for a few hours here. She has her nurses who will take good care of her, ok?" Carina said.
"Ok," Maya nodded, looking down at Lia, "But can we stay for a few more minutes? She looks so comfortable."
"Si," Carina nodded, "She does look very comfortable. She is a smart little girl cuddling up on her mommy for comfort when she doesn't feel well."
They sat there for a little while longer before they both knew it was time to go. Carina knew how to put Lia back in her incubator, but Jenna was walking by as they were getting ready to go so she helped get Lia situated.
"If anything changes with her, you'll call right?" Maya said, staring at Lia who was now laying in her incubator, eyes somewhere between open and closed.
"I will," Jenna nodded, "I will keep an eye on her too. Are you guys going for the night?"
"One of us might be back later," Carina said, "We are trying to figure it out because our other girls who are three are struggling with all of this and are very clingy right now so we have to balance our time here with our time with them."
"Got it," Jenna said, "Well, Lia has been pretty stable all day, and we will keep an eye on her for you if your bigger girls need you."
"Grazie," Carina said, Maya too busy holding Lia's hand and staring at her, "We really appreciate it. Bambina, come on. It's time to go."
"Bye Lia," Maya said softly, "We love you so much. I hope you feel better soon."
"Ciao Trottolina," Carina said, also slipping her hand in to say goodbye to Lia, "You are doing so well. Like Mommy said, we love you so much."
With that, they pulled away from the incubator and left the NICU together.
"Are you ok Bambina?" Carina asked, noticing Maya looked like she was about 1000 miles away.
"I hate leaving her," Maya said, tears in her eyes, "I mean, she's our baby and she's sick, but our other babies also need us and this is all just a lot."
"I know," Carina said, feeling the same way, "I know it is. We are going to figure it out, ok? Lia is going to be ok. And one of us will be back later. For now, let's go get the bambine, take them home, and figure it out from there."
"Ok," Maya nodded, wiping at her tears, knowing that the twins did not need to see her crying any more right now.
They got to the daycare, Nicole seeing them from inside and coming out.
"Are you ready to pick up the twins?" Nicole asked.
"Si," Carina said, "How were they today?"
"They were ok," Nicole said, "Rowan got into a few minor fights over toys, but she did keep her hands to herself and we were able to break it up before it escalated to anything more than some yelling which is not unusual around here. And Nora cried when she woke up from her nap, but she went and sat with Kathy and Rowan made sure she was ok. The tears didn't last long."
"I'm glad they weren't too upset or challenging today," Maya sighed, "Sorry they were having a harder time than normal."
"It happens," Nicole said, "Honestly. And I would say the twins have a pretty good reason to be a little off these days. There are a lot of changes happening and it's actually more common than not for kids to struggle with that. I would be more surprised if they weren't acting a little different. And they are, for most of the day, still extremely well behaved. We are very used to this kind of thing and luckily Rowan and Nora both like all the adults here to not try to fight us."
"Well, that is good," Maya sighed.
"I'll go grab them for you," Nicole said, "Nora has been asking when you were coming since she woke up."
"I hate that they are having a hard time," Maya said, looking at her wife.
"Lo so," Carina said, "Me too. But all we can do is hold them through it and make sure they know we are still here for them and love them."
"It's so hard," Maya said, "Because I want to do that for them but I also want to be there for Lia."
"We will figure it out," Carina said, rubbing her wife's back.
Just then, they heard little feet running and Rowan and Nora both appeared seconds later, crashing into their moms as soon as they saw them.
"I misseded you Mommy," Nora said, hugging Maya's legs tightly, "And you too Mamma."
"Me too," Rowan said, "I misseded you too."
"We missed you both too," Maya said, hugging Nora while Carina hugged Rowan.
"Tan we go see my baby totoina Yia?" Rowan asked as Nicole handed Carina the twins' backpacks.
"Not today," Carina said, "Lia is feeling a little sick today and she needs quiet so she can rest."
"But I tan be tuiet," Rowan said, whispering "See. I tan help my baby totoina Yia feel better."
"No Rowan," Maya said, a bit more firmly, "Not today. Lia needs to rest."
"Besides," Carina said, "It's a nice day. Wouldn't you like to go home and play outside?"
"Wif our bikes?" Nora asked.
"I think we can probably play with bikes if you want to," Carina nodded, "I think that sounds like a fun thing to do."
"Mommy, do you want to do bikes?" Nora asked, looking up at her.
"I am not really feeling up to riding my bike today," Maya said, "But I will watch you ride your bike. I am still pretty sore today."
"Tetause my baby totoina Yia comed out of your gina?" Rowan asked.
"Yes Rowan," Maya said, "But Ro, you don't have to tell everyone about that."
"But that's what happened," Rowan said.
"It is," Maya said, "But you still don't need to tell everyone. Sometimes things can be private."
"Why?" Rowan asked and Maya looked at Carina, her eyes basically begging for help.
"Well, Patatina, remember how we talked about that the vagina is a private body part that people shouldn't touch without permission?" Carina asked, earning her a nod from the toddler, "Well, that is the same rule that we shouldn't talk about other people's vaginas without their permission. And Mommy is telling you that she wants the private parts of her body to be private, ok? Just like how Mommy didn't want you lifting up her shirt when we weren't at home, she also doesn't want you to talk about her vagina when we aren't at home."
"Tetause it's private?" Rowan said as they headed to the car.
"Si," Carina said, "Because it is private."
"Okay," Rowan said, nodding.
"Thank you," Maya mouthed to her wife as they got to the car.
Carina nodded with a small smile. She and Maya were very much on the same page when it came to teaching the twins about proper terms for everything and also how things actually worked in terms of sex and having a baby when the twins asked questions and she knew her wife had no problem with the twins knowing what they did, but she couldn't blame Maya for not wanting their toddler telling the whole world that their baby came out of her vagina.
Once they got everyone loaded up in the car, Carina drove them home, Maya very clearly zoning in and out the entire time, only half responding when the twins asked her anything.
"Bambina, if you need to go rest, you can," Carina said as they walked into the house once they were home, "Today was a long day and you look exhausted."
"I'm ok," Maya said, "I want to spend some time with the twins and then maybe we can figure out what to do about going back to the hospital with Lia."
"No," Nora said, clearing having overheard them, "No. You tan't go back to the hospipal. I want you to be home."
"Lo so Piccola," Carina said, "But Lia is sick, and just like when you two are sick, Mommy or I want to be there with her."
"But you said we could ride bikes," Nora said, tears welling up in her big brown eyes, "I don't want you to go to the hospipal."
"For right now, we aren't ok?" Carina said, crouching down in front of Nora, "Right now, Mommy and I are going to be home with you both. We are right here. Let's take some breaths ok?"
After getting Nora calmed back down, Carina stood back up, looking over at her wife who also looked a bit overwhelmed.
"How about we all go outside?" Carina suggested, knowing that that typically helped all of them feel a little better, "We are all staying home for now and be together."
"I need to use the bathroom and pump," Maya said, seeing the time, "I'll be out in a little bit."
"No, Mommy, come wif us," Nora said, shaking her head.
"Nora, I have to pump," Maya snapped a little bit, immediately regretting it as the toddler's eyes welled up with tears again.
"Mamma," Nora sobbed, running back to Carina.
"I…" Maya started to say but she just earned a head shake from her wife.
"Just go pump Maya," Carina said, not quite snapping at her but clearly not happy.
Maya grabbed her pumping bag and all but stormed out of the room. She was mad. She was mad at herself for snapping at Nora, she was mad at her wife for snapping at her, she was mad at the universe for everything always being so dam hard.
Why couldn't they just catch a break? Why did their baby have to be born 9 weeks early and have a brain bleed? Why did their girls have to have such massive separation anxiety? Why was her pregnancy so hard? Why did she and Carina both have to deal with mental health issues? Why couldn't anything just be easy lately?
She felt the anger building inside of her, knowing she needed to get it out as she walked into their bedroom. She grabbed a pillow off the bed, punching it as hard as she could a few times before she felt hot tears running down her cheeks as she cried as quietly as she possibly could, putting the pillow over her face once she was done hitting it to make sure she didn't scare her wife or daughters with her cries.
It took a few minutes, but she did manage to get the tears under control, having half a mind to just curl up in bed and fall asleep because she was exhausted but knowing she needed to pump and then try to go apologize to her wife and daughter.
She quickly tried to express before hooking up the pump, yet another thing that was not going well recently. She still was barely getting anything out during these pumping sessions and at this point, Lia was over 4 days old and she was pretty sure that was supposed to have changed.
She sighed out of frustration at the mere 30 mL she had managed to pump, quickly cleaning up before attempting to use the bathroom. Her abdomen felt icky and bloated, but unfortunately, she didn't have much success in getting anything moving. She then headed downstairs, putting the milk in the fridge, and washing her pump before venturing outside where she could hear her family playing.
She found Nora riding her bike up and down the driveway while Rowan was riding her scooter and Carina was sat on the driveway drawing with chalk.
"Hey," Maya said quietly as she walked over to her wife, the Italian standing up as soon as she saw her.
"I'm sorry," they both said at the same time, causing a small laugh.
"Let me go first," Carina said, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I know you have to pump and take care of your body. There was no reason for me to act like that."
"And I'm sorry I snapped at Nora after you just got her calmed down," Maya said, "I didn't mean to and I will also apologize to her. I just…I don't know."
"Bambina, you are 4 days postpartum, not sleeping well, worried about our baby and our big girls, I would be surprised if you didn't snap," Carina said.
"And you," Maya said, earning her a look from her wife, "I'm worried about you too."
"You don't need to worry about me," Carina said, shaking her head.
"You are my wife," Maya said, "I always worry about you. Besides, aside from the hormonal changes, you are going through all the same things I am. I'm not mad at you that you snapped at me either."
Carina smiled at her a little, pressing a kiss to her lips gently.
"No," they heard, turning around to see Rowan looking at them, "No tissing."
"But I love your mamma," Maya said, wrapping an arm around her wife.
"No Maya. No tissing Tarina," Rowan said, before speeding away on her scooter again.
"How long do you think that is going to last?" Maya said, looking at her wife.
"Her not liking us kissing or her calling us Maya and Carina?" Carina laughed.
"Both," Maya said, shaking her head.
"Well, I hope neither lasts very long," Carina said, "While I don't particularly want our three year old liking kissing, I do want her to know that kissing can be very nice and it is a way to show someone you love them as long as both of you are consenting to it. And her calling us Maya and Carina…I hope that ends as soon as possible. I miss being Mamma."
"At least Nora still calls us Mommy and Mamma," Maya said as she watch the little brunette tear up the driveway on her pink strider bike, "Nora, can you come over here for a minute?"
Nora did as she was asked, stopping her bike right near Maya.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Maya said, "That was unkind and I should not have done that. Can you forgive me?"
"Si," Nora said, setting down her bike and giving Maya a hug, "I know you have hormomes and sometimes it makes you feel big feelings. I love you Mommy."
"I love you too Elenora Mason," Maya said, blinking tears out of her eyes at just how understanding her daughter was, "But just because I am having big feelings does not mean I get to act however I want. I am going to try very hard to not yell, ok?"
"I know Mommy," Nora said, "Tan I go ride my bike and you watch me?"
"Of course Piccola," Maya nodded, smiling as she watched Nora pick her bike back up and speed away, "Carina, did you talk to her?"
"Maybe a little," Carina said, "I didn't try to make an excuse for you, but I did want to make sure she knew that you weren't mad at her because I know you aren't."
"Never," Maya said, looking at Nora drive down the driveway, "Our girls could do just about anything and I wouldn't be mad at them. Mad at what they did? Sure, but never at them. I love them too much."
Carina smiled, wrapping her arms around her wife from behind, pressing a kiss to her cheek, just holding her for a minute.
"Do you want me to get you a chair?" Carina asked, "So you can relax a little?"
"Yeah," Maya said, "That would be really nice actually. We haven't done anything today, but I am exhausted."
"Well, we haven't been sleeping that well recently," Carina said, "Plus, you just had a baby. Your body is trying to heal from that. It's perfectly normal to be tired for weeks after when everything goes perfectly as planned and nothing with Lia has been as planned."
Maya let out a tiny, humorless chuckle as she nodded, "You can say that again."
"I'll go get a chair," Carina said, going into the garage, appearing a minute later with a camp chair for her wife.
"Thanks babe," Maya said, sitting down in the chair, grimacing a little as she did so.
"Are you still having a lot of pain?" Carina asked, moving Maya's hair so she could massage her shoulder.
"Not pain so much as I'm just so sore," Maya said, shifting a little bit, "Though I could probably use another sitz bath tonight because things are still pretty uncomfortable down there. And my stomach feels bloated and blah."
"I can get the sitz bath set up for you any time you want," Carina said, bending down and pressing a kiss to her wife's cheek before going back to rubbing her shoulders, "And make sure you are getting the right meds to help your stomach."
"That feels so good," Maya groaned, allowing her eyes to close for a minute.
"Maya, no, open your eyes," Rowan yelled as she drove past on her scooter, "Watch me."
"Ok," Maya said, opening her eyes again as Carina held in a laugh.
Carina rubbed her shoulders for another few minutes before going back to the chalk drawings she had been working on while the twins continued to go up and down the driveway on their toys.
"What are we going to do about Lia tonight?" Maya asked with a sigh.
"I don't know," Carina said, "I want to be there with her but I also want to give the twins a normal night because I know they need it. I guess we could put them down and then I could go? Unless you want to go? Then we could just tell the twins you are going to go. I'm sure they will understand eventually."
Just then, Carina's phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out, seeing that it was Andrew.
"Ah, Andrea was supposed to be on shift this afternoon, but there was a mix up in scheduling and now he is off. He wants to know if we need anything," Carina said, thinking for a second before she had an idea, "Maybe…no, never mind."
"What?" Maya said.
"Maybe we could have Andrea go sit with Lia for a little bit?" Carina said, "I know you want to be there and I do too, but maybe having him there would be ok? Then we could be here with the bambine and he could be with Lia? But if you hate it, maybe he could come here and drive you to the hospital so we don't have to drag the twins out again?"
"I really want to be there with Lia," Maya sighed, taking a deep breath, "But also, I really want to be here. I think having Andrew with Lia would be good. He can cuddle her and then if anything happens, he can let us know. And maybe we can facetime with him so we can see her?"
"Ok," Carina said, nodding, "As long as you are sure?"
"I am not really sure about anything right now," Maya said, "But I know that the twins need a normal night and Lia just needs cuddles and this seems like the best solution. I trust Andrew to take good care of her."
"Ok," Carina said, "I think that's a good idea."
Carina quickly texted her brother, asking him if he would be willing to go spend some time with Lia which he almost immediately said he would be happy to. As Carina finished texting him, Nora came over to them.
"Tan I pway chalk too?" Nora asked, setting her bike down.
"Of course," Carina nodded, "Do you want your helmet off?"
"No, I yike it," Nora said, shaking her head.
"Ok, that's fine," Carina laughed as Nora picked up the purple chalk. The four of them spent another hour outside before a car pulled up in front of the house, Andy, Luca, and Ronnie all getting out.
"Hey," Andy said as they made their way up the driveway, Andy carrying a large container of what looked like soup along with a few smaller containers.
"Hey," Maya said, smiling at her.
"Hi Tia Dandy," Rowan said, "Hi Yuca. Hi Wonnie. We are pwaying chalks."
"I see," Andy said, smiling as Luca and Ronnie both went over to play with their cousins.
"Ciao," Carina said, getting up off the ground, brushing off her hands on her pants before going over to the Latina.
"Hey," Andy said, "How are you guys doing?"
"It's been a long day," Maya sighed as Andy and Carina came closer to her, "Lia has a rough day."
"Is everything ok?" Andy asked worriedly.
"For now, si," Carina said, "Lia has a bit of an intercranial hemorrhage at the moment and it has been a lot."
"A brain bleed?" Andy said with a small gasp, "But, she's gonna be ok?"
"We don't know," Maya said, trying really hard not to start crying, "There's not much the doctors can do besides treat the symptoms she has."
"Do you want me to take the twins tonight so you guys can go be with her?" Andy asked.
"No," Carina said, "Andrea is with her now. The bambine have been needing us more because of us being in the hospital."
"Are you sure?" Andy asked, seeing how exhausted and worried her friends looked.
Maya genuinely looked like she was about to break down into tears as she pushed herself up from her chair, mutter a quick "excuse me" before she bolted into the house.
"Sorry," Andy said.
"No, it's not you," Carina sighed, "It's just been a long few days. Can you keep an eye on the kids for a few minutes so I can go check on her?"
"Of course," Andy nodded, Carina taking the food from Andy before heading toward the house.
"No," Nora said, "No, Mamma stay."
"I am just going to go inside for a minute to check on Mommy," Carina sighed, "Tia Andy and Ronnie and Luca are going to stay out here and play with you and Rowan."
"No, I want you," Nora said, shaking her head.
"Piccola, please," Carina sighed, "I just want to go check on Mommy."
"Me too," Nora said, "I tan check on Mommy too."
"Hey Nora, I was going to draw a dinosaur with my chalk," Andy called, trying to get the little brunette's attention, "Can you come help me?"
"Can you go draw a dinosaur for me and Mommy?" Carina asked, "And then we can come out and see it in a few minutes? Please?"
"But you tome right back?" Nora said.
"I will come right back," Carina nodded, "I'm just going to go inside for a few minutes. That's it."
Nora bit her lip, looking so much like Maya as she thought about her choices before nodding a little and going over to Andy though she kept glancing back at Carina, the Italian giving her an encouraging nod before heading into the house. She quickly tucked the food into the fridge before going into the living room where she found her wife curled up on the couch.
"Bambina?" Carina said, going over and sitting down next to her, "Hey, can you talk to me?"
"I'm sorry," Maya sniffled, still staying curled up, not looking at her wife, "I didn't mean to do that. I don't even really know what's going on. It all just is a lot."
"Lo so," Carina said, tracing patterns on Maya's back, "I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better. Do you want me to see if Andy can take you over there right now?"
"No," Maya said, shaking her head, "I mean, I desperately want to be there with Lia, but Andrew has her tonight and he probably won't be able to make that happen every night so I feel like I should stay here with the twins tonight while Lia has someone so that when she doesn't, one of us can go. It just…it feels like part of me is missing not being with her."
"I know," Carina sighed, continuing to trace patterns on Maya's back, "I feel that too. Like we are missing a whole part of our family."
Just then, Carina's phone vibrated and she grabbed it, smiling when she saw what it was.
"Bambina, look," Carina said, getting Maya to move for the first time since she came inside.
On Carina's phone screen was a picture of Lia curled up on Andrew's bare chest, sound asleep.
The text below it said "She is doing really well. Her vitals are stable, she tolerated her feed great and she's sleeping with her favorite zio now. She told me to tell both of you that she loves you so much and that she is happy to be handing with her favorite zio for tonight. I've got her for you, ok? Don't worry."
"I'm glad she's stable and comfortable," Maya said as she stared at the tiny baby asleep on Andrew's chest, only her head visible due to the blankets that were covering her.
"Si," Carina said, "And Andrea has her right now. Though we probably shouldn't tell Travis or Mason that he is already claiming the title of favorite uncle."
"Oh, they will fight him," Maya chuckled, "Especially Trav."
"I know you want to be with her tonight," Carina said, "And I do too, but I think you are right. Andrea is with her and she is being held and cuddled and if god forbid anything happens, he is right there with her. We can go there tomorrow just like we did today, ok?"
"Yeah," Maya nodded, "I think that sounds like about as good of a plan as we've got at this point. The twins need us tonight. I didn't mean to run away. I just…I don't even know."
"That's ok," Carina said, pulling her wife into her arms, "You don't have to know. This has all been a lot."
"I feel like maybe I should try to schedule some time with Diane," Maya sighed as she just stayed cuddled into Carina, "I feel very overwhelmed and I know a lot of it is the hormones, but I also think talking to her might help."
"That is a good idea," Carina nodded, "I also should probably get in to see my therapist. We both had some challenges after the twins were born so making sure we are staying on top of our mental health this time around is even more important, especially because this has been a lot more traumatic than when we had the twins."
"Yeah," Maya nodded as she thought back to the early days with the twins and Carina's severe postpartum anxiety that had all but destroyed her and then the pretty bad depression she herself had fallen into for a while when she started staying home with the girls. That time had been so hard for both of them and how they survived the first 6 months of the twins' lives still shocked Maya and the twins had been perfectly healthy. This time around, everything felt even more challenging so if they could prevent their mental health from getting to where it did last time, it would be helpful. Even if either of them did go through postpartum mental health issues, catching them early would help them get treated faster and hopefully prevent anything as severe as last time.
"Did you want to contact Diane now?" Carina asked, taking Maya out of her thoughts.
"I'll just send her a quick text," Maya said, "Do you think maybe we could use your office so I don't have to be too far from Lia?"
"Of course," Carina nodded, "My office isn't getting too much use at the moment anyway."
"Thanks," Maya said, shooting off a quick text to Diane, asking if she had any openings in the next few days before looking back at her wife. "We should probably go back outside," Carina said, "I promised Nora only a few minutes. Or I should anyway. You can stay in here if you need a break." "No, I'll come," Maya said, groaning as she sat up, "Ugg, everything hurts." "You can rest," Carina said, "I can go take care of the twins." "No," Maya said, reaching for Carina's hands to help her up, "I am ok. I think part of it is from not moving while I was in the hospital on bedrest and then the hospital bed was not comfortable so I'm just achy from all of that plus labor. I'll be alright." "Ok," Carina said, "But I want you resting if you need to. You have been through a lot physically in the past few days, not to mention emotionally and mentally." "I will," Maya nodded, giving Carina small kiss, "I love you." "I love you too," the Italian said, giving her another kiss, "Now, should we go find the bambine?" "Si," Maya nodded, taking her wife's hand as they headed back outside. "Mommy," Nora said, jumping up the moment she saw Maya and Carina, "Tia Dandy draweded a tieatop and I makeded a bush for him to eat." "Wow, that's so cool," Maya smiled as she rubbed Nora's back while Andy got up and came over to them. "Sorry," the Latina said, "I didn't mean to upset you." "It's completely fine," Maya said, "It doesn't take much for that to start these days unfortunately."
"Which is completely understandable," Andy said, "You just gave birth and you have had a lot going on with Lia. I just don't want to make it harder for you."
"You're not," Maya said, "I promise."
"And Lia is with Andrea for now and doing really well," Carina said, "So we are going to take advantage of her having cuddles with her zio and both stay with the twins tonight."
"That's really good," Andy said, "And if you ever need me to go cuddle her, I am always up for baby cuddles especially because Ronnie informed me last week she is too old for cuddles."
"But I'm sure Luca still like to," Carina said, "He was always looking for cuddles."
"This is true," Andy nodded, "He does still love to climb in my lap if I'm sitting on the couch or something."
"Maya," Rowan called suddenly, "Come see the wee woo I drawed."
"Did she just…?" Andy said, looking at Rowan and then at Carina as Maya walked away.
"Si," Carina said, rolling her eyes, "She just learned we have real names and now it is always Maya and Carina."
"Luca did that for a while," Andy said, "But only to Robert. It was always Mama and Bobert."
"I really don't want it to go on too long," Carina said, "I miss being Mamma. And it's only been a day."
"Does Nora still call you mamma?" Andy asked.
"Si," Carina nodded, "Thank god. I would probably cry if they both stopped. I love being their mamma."
"It won't last forever," Andy said.
Just then Ronnie ran over to them looking very upset.
"Mamma, Yuta won't share the talk," the little brunette said.
"I have more chalk over here," Carina said, showing Ronnie the stash of chalks she had in a bin, "You can pick any one you want."
"Gratias Tia Tarina," Ronnie said, pulling out an orange one before running back over to where everyone else was coloring.
"How are you doing?" Andy asked, looking at the exhausted Italian.
"I am managing," Carina said, "It's been a lot, but we will figure it out. For tonight, we are ok. We will probably take the twins inside soon, get dinner and then give them some more attention before bed and hopefully we will be able to have an early night tonight. Maya and I have not been sleeping very well lately. But we are figuring it out."
"Ok," Andy said, not fully believing her, but not wanting to push too much, "Well, if you need anything, just let me know. Even if it's just to have me go hold Lia for a few hours or even just do a load of laundry or something. We've got you, all five of you."
"Grazie," Carina smiled, "It means a lot to me. To us, all of us."
Maya walked back over to them a few minutes later, walking directly over to Carina, the Italian wrapping her in a hug.
"We should probably get going," Andy said, "You guys look like you could use an early night and we don't want to keep you. Let me help clean everything up and then we are going to go."
"I can clean up," Carina said.
"Let me help," Andy said, grabbing the chalk box, "Luca, Ronnie, it's time to help clean up before we go home."
"But I like drawing with Rowan and Nora," Luca said.
"I know mijo, but Tia Maya just had a baby a few days ago and she needs lots of rest so we are going to clean up and let her get some rest, ok?"
"My baby totoina Yia got borned," Rowan said, "But Mommy and Mamma said not to say how cause we don't have to share about private parts."
"That's probably smart," Andy laughed, "Can you four all get the chalk together?"
The kids all went to pick up chalk while Andy grabbed Nora's bike.
"She has told everyone lately that Lia came out of my vagina," Maya said as Andy carried the bike toward the garage, "Including the daycare workers."
"I love how much they know," Andy said, laughing, "But yeah, not sure I would want my vagina being the topic of conversation at daycare."
Andy got the bike put away while Carina got the rest of the toys put away and Maya encouraged chalk clean up. She was really starting to get achy and her body was starting to scream at her to go lay down. Once everything was cleaned, Andy and her kids said goodbye before Carina and Maya took the girls inside.
"Diane texted me back," Maya said as they walked in the house, "She has an opening in two days and we are going to meet in your office if that's still ok?"
"Of course," Carina nodded, "My office is yours whenever you need it. And I'll stay with Lia while you are at your appointment."
"Sounds like a good plan," Maya nodded as she texted Diane back, confirming the appointment.
"Bambina, why don't you go relax while I get dinner heated up?" Carina said, "You look exhausted."
"I'm just achy," Maya said.
"I'll get you some Advil with dinner," Carina said, kissing her forehead, "Go relax."
Maya nodded, going into the living room, Nora following closely behind her, snuggling next to her on the couch.
"I love you Mommy," Nora said gently.
"I love you too Piccola," Maya said with a smile as she held Nora close, "So so much."
Rowan came and joined them eventually with her baby doll, telling Maya that her baby was very little and sick just like Lia and that she needed special medicine too.
Dinner didn't take too long to get ready, Carina helping the twins go wash their hands before going to see if her wife needed any help. She found Maya still laying on the couch.
"Bambina, do you want dinner in here tonight?" Carina asked sitting down next to her.
"No, I'll come to the table," Maya said, "I'm not super hungry, but I'll eat."
"You need to eat so you can keep healing," Carina said, "And so you can make milk for Lia."
"It feels like that is never going to happen," Maya sighed as she made herself sit up, "I'm getting next to nothing."
"It can sometimes take up to two weeks," Carina said, "Especially with traumatic births or births with preemies. We can get you another consult with the lactation consultant though if you think that might help."
"I don't know," Maya sighed, "I'll try on my own for a few more days. Maybe it'll happen. Come on, let's go eat."
Carina helped Maya to the table, all four of them enjoying Andy's chicken and corn chowder along with some rolls and a salad. Maya didn't eat a ton of the soup, but enjoyed the salad a lot, hoping maybe some extra fiber would help her stomach a bit.
Once dinner was over, Carina got the kitchen cleaned up while Maya took the twins upstairs for a bath. After baths were had and pajamas were on, all four of them went to cuddle in Maya and Carina's bed.
It wasn't really bedtime yet, but the twins were happy to just read books and cuddle. Andrew facetimed them around 7 so the girls could say goodnight to Lia and he promised he would stay with her for a few more hours. She was still doing well, just resting with her zio. She had had a little bit of fussiness earlier, but he sang to her and she calmed down.
Once Andrew hung up, Carina took over singing to the twins before taking them to their own beds, Nora already asleep but Rowan more than willing to walk. Carina came back a few minutes later, Maya's pump in hand along with some tea.
"Thanks Babe," Maya said, smiling as she took the pump, "I forgot about this."
"I thought you might have," Carina said, "Do your breasts feel full or achy because you forgot?"
"A little," Maya said, deciding to just pull of her shirt entirely, "But they kinda always ache these days. I don't know. What happens if my milk never comes in properly?"
"Then we can use formula for Lia," Carina said, "Or we could get donor milk. The hospital has a bank they keep specifically for NICU babies. We have lots of options."
"I really hope my body figured it out at some point," Maya sighed as she attached the pump, "I just want to be able to feed her, especially since my body was supposed to have been feeding her for another two months but it couldn't so I would like to be able to give her nutrition in some way even if it's not what should be happening."
"Hey," Carina said, climbing into bed next to her wife, "You are doing your very best you can for her right now and whether or not feeding her ends up working out, you are still doing what is best for her."
"I just want to make sure she's ok," Maya said, "I mean, her brain is literally bleeding Carina, and we can't do anything to help her. I just…I want to be able to feed her to help her."
"I know," Carina said, rubbing Maya's back as she cried, "You are. You are helping her so much Bambina. You are there with her as often as you can be and you are making sure she is taken care of. Everything you have done has been exactly what Lia needs from you. And even if you end up not being able to make milk for her, you are still the best mommy in the world."
Maya nodded a little bit as she leaned her head on her wife's shoulder, just leaning into Carina's gentle touches. Once she finished pumping, Carina helped her hand express just to see if that would help get things moving in the right direction. It didn't do much which was frustrating to Maya.
"Bambina, every single drop of milk you make for Lia is important," Carina said, "I am going to go put this in the fridge. Do you need anything?"
"No," Maya said, "I think I am going to go try going to the bathroom. My stomach is still feeling gross and bloated."
"Ok," Carina said, "Just try to relax ok? That should help."
Maya nodded, getting up and going into the bathroom while Carina went downstairs, getting Maya's milk stored properly before cleaning the pump. She took a few deep breaths while she was down in the kitchen, trying to calm down and mentally prepare herself for the night ahead. She doubted they were going to get good sleep considering what kind of day they had had and all their anxiety about Lia, but she was hoping maybe they could get a few solid hours of rest.
After a few minutes, she gathered the pump and headed back upstairs, finding the bathroom door still closed.
"You alright Bambina?" Carina asked gently as she knocked on the door.
"I will be," Maya said, her voice a little shaky, "I'll be out in a few minutes."
"Take your time," Carina said, going to change into her pajamas.
Once that was done, she sat down on the bed, pulling out her phone and going through the messages she had gotten throughout the day, responding to the ones she needed to before flipping to her camera to look at photos of Lia. Even though the baby wasn't even a week old, she had over a hundred photos of her. \
She found some that one of her nurses had taken right after Lia was born and sent to her later on that day. There were photos of the first moments of them meeting Lia, both of them looking so exhausted and terrified but also so in love with the little baby.
She then flipped to some of the first photos she had taken of Lia while the neonatologist worked on her, the photos almost hard to look at because Lia's skin was pretty blue, her tone floppier than a normal baby.
These were some of the only photos they had of her without the CPAP machine covering her tiny face and Carina found herself yearning for the day when that was no longer needed and they could see her adorable face again.
She flipped through more photos form the past few days, setting one of the ones from the twins' first NICU visit as her new lock screen on her phone when she heard the toilet flush in the bathroom and a minute later, Maya appeared looking miserable.
"What's wrong Bambina?" Carina asked as Maya walked over to the bed.
"Why does it have to hurt so much?" the blonde asked as she crawled into bed.
"I'm sorry," Carina said, rubbing her back as Maya all but buried herself in her lap, "Were you at least able to go?"
Maya nodded a little bit, not moving.
"That part will get better," Carina said, "Did you want me to go get another sitz bath ready for you?"
"I just want to sleep," Maya said, "Can we sleep?"
"Of course," Carina nodded, "Sleep sounds like a great idea."
They got situated in bed, Carina holding Maya as they both managed to drift off to sleep pretty quickly. Unfortunately, the sleep didn't last when Maya was woken up to a scream coming from her wife.
She sat up immediately, worried something was seriously wrong before she realized Carina was still asleep, the Italian thrashing around in bed, mumbling incoherently before screaming again.
"Carina," Maya said, reaching over and shaking her shoulder, "Hey, Babe, wake up."
Carina sat bolt upright, her breathing fast, cold sweat covering her forehead.
"Carina, it's ok," Maya said, "I'm right here. Just breathe."
"Maya," Carina cried, blindly reaching for her, the blonde immediately wrapping her wife up in a hug.
"I'm right here, Babe," Maya said, holding her a little tighter, knowing the pressure often helped when Carina was panicking, "I need you to breath for me."
It took a good twenty minutes before the tears and the panic fully calmed down, Carina just clinging to Maya.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Maya asked gently after a while.
"Lia died," Carina said quietly, "In my dream. We went to see her and she was gone. And then the twins were gone and when I turned around to find you, you were gone. Everyone was gone and I was alone and it was horrible."
With that, another round of hot tears ran down Carina's cheeks.
"We are all here," Maya said, "I am right here and the twins are asleep down the hall and Lia…"
"What if something happened to her?" Carina asked, feeling the panic building in her chest, "What if the bleed got bigger or something else happened? I need to go see her."
"Carina, you cannot drive like this," Maya said, "Let's try texting Andrew and see if he's still with her. It's not even midnight yet so he might still be there."
"If he doesn't answer, I am going down there," Carina said, "I just…I need to know she's ok."
"I know," Maya said, feeling the same way as she texted her brother-in-law.
Not even a minute later, her phone started ringing and she quickly answered it, seeing Andrew still sitting in the chair holding Lia.
"Hey," he said, "Is everything ok?"
"Is Lia ok?" Carina asked immediately upon seeing her brother and daughter.
"She is," Andrew said, "I went and got dinner a few hours ago, but other than that, we have just been hanging out. I've been filling her in on all the stories about her mamma as a little girl when she's awake and working on some of my charting while she sleeps, but she has been snuggled with me most of the evening. Her nurses all say she is a little rockstar. Are you ok?"
"Si," Carina said, wiping her tears as she saw Lia very clearly ok, "I just…I had a nightmare that something happened and I…I am glad you are with her."
"I've got her," he said, "I will probably go home at some point to sleep, but she has been doing really well."
Just then, Lia let out a little grunt and turned her head.
"Do you hear your Mamma and Mommy?" Andrew asked her, "They are both on the phone to check on you."
"Hi Trottolina," Carina said.
"Hello Peanut," Maya also said as they both stared at the baby.
"I bet Lia would love it if you sang to her Carina," Andrew said, knowing that singing was something that often calmed his big sister down.
Carina nodded, starting in on the song she had sang Lia since she found out Maya was pregnant with her.
By the end of it, Lia was sound asleep again on Andrew, and Carina had calmed down a lot.
"Do you want me to stay on the phone with you for a while?" Andrew asked.
"Maybe just for a few more minutes?" Carina said, just wanting to see their daughter a bit longer.
"Yeah, a few more minutes," Maya said, having never taken her eyes off Lia since the preemie appeared on the screen.
A few minutes turned into half an hour and it would have been longer, but Lia needed a diaper change so Maya and Carina decided to let Andrew go.
"Are you alright?" Maya asked, pulling Carina a little closer.
"I will be," Carina said, "That dream was a lot though."
"I'm so sorry," Maya said, "Are you ready to try to get some more sleep?"
"Not really," Carina said, "But you should."
"I am not going to sleep knowing you are not ok," Maya said, shaking her head, "How about I put on some music and we can just relax?"
Carina nodded, feeling guilty for keeping her wife awake when she clearly needed sleep, but she also knew that if the roles were reversed, she would do the same for Maya.
They both laid down in the bed, Maya holding Carina close as they listened to their favorite playlist, both of them hoping the rest of the night would go better and that the following day would bring far fewer surprises than today did.
What did you think? Sorry it took me so long to get this uploaded. There has been a lot going on in my life lately and I just haven't had the time or the energy to write. I am going to try to be more consistent, but I'm not sure that is going to happen while I am trying to balance school and work and personal stuff. I'm sorry about that and thank you all for sticking around and putting up with it. Thank you all for reading, commenting, following, and favoriting. It means so much to me.
Follow me on twitter for whatever it is I am doing over there: musicgirl1120