It turned out that it had indeed just been the antibiotics making Nora and especially Maya feel so sick and by the following afternoon, everyone was feeling 100% again. Carina insisted, much to Maya's dismay, that they skip the NICU visit just in case which has led to some tears from the overtired and very emotional battalion chief, but she knew her wife was right.
The following day, things were back to normal, the twins going back to daycare which was a little bit rough because Nora was not only dealing with her separation anxiety but also now worried that her tummy would start hurting again and she would have another accident.
She sobbed all the way to daycare and ended up making herself gag as they walked up. Luckily, Carina was ready and it saved them having to change clothes, but it took a good thirty minutes to get Nora calmed down enough to go into daycare with the promise that if her tummy hurt like it had before, that they would come pick her up. They had talked to her more than once about how the medicine she had been taking to help her throat had made her tummy feel sick and now that the medicine was done, she would be ok, but that was a lot for her to understand.
"I hate that she gets so anxious about things," Maya sighed as she and Carina walked hand in hand down to the NICU, Carina only having routine office visits today so she didn't start seeing patients until 9 am.
"Lo so," Carina said, giving Maya's hand a squeeze, "It is something we will have to just continue to keep an eye on and intervene as needed as she gets older. And maybe we try to get a child psychologist involved if you think we need to."
"What do you think?" Maya asked, biting her lip as she looked at her wife.
"I don't know," Carina sighed, "I wish I did. I mean, she is doing a lot better than before, but also, I feel like we are not making a ton of progress forward anymore. I also don't think there is any problem with us getting someone involved for her now. I mean, we have both benefitted from therapy so much and I'm sure it would help her too."
"But she's only 3 years old," Maya sighed, "I just…I don't want her to have to deal with all of that at 3." "But she is dealing with it," Carina said, "She is having anxiety problems, and I think we might need some help to deal with it. And once Lia comes home, it is just going to change things more which might make things worse. It's just so hard seeing her like she was today."
"I know," Maya said, tears pricking her eyes, "It is. I never wanted any of them to deal with this because I know how much it sucks and I never wanted them to hurt like that."
"Me neither," Carina sighed, wrapping an arm around her wife's shoulder, pulling her a little closer, "But it is out of our control and the sooner we find ways to help her, the better it will be for her."
"Ok," Maya said, "I know Diane has a list of recommendations she offered to send. I'll email her today?"
"Sounds perfect," Carina said as they walked out of the elevator.
They headed to the NICU, going through their normal routine before walking over to Lia's bed where the tiny baby was currently fussing in the nurse's arms.
"Someone woke up a little sad this morning," Sami said as she swayed with Lia.
"Oh Peanut," Maya said, setting down her bag and quickly unzipping her sweatshirt before sitting down, holding out her arms for Lia who was promptly placed in them, "Are you having a hard morning just like your big sister?"
Lia's little bottom lip was sticking out and she let out another sad little cry as Carina helped her wife unbutton Lia's little outfit, allowing mother and daughter to be skin to skin. It took a minute but Lia did settle, Carina grabbing her pacifier from her crib and popping it into the baby's mouth which seemed to help even more.
"Did you miss Mommy and Mamma?" Maya asked, rubbing Lia's back as she rocked her a little, "I'm so sorry we weren't here yesterday. I wasn't feeling good and we wanted to make sure we wouldn't get you sick."
"You guys were sick again?" Sami said, "That bites."
"Well, I actually think it was just a reaction to my antibiotics for my other illnesses," Maya said, shifting a little to get into a more comfortable position, "My body isn't usually a fan of antibiotics to begin with and two at once was apparently too much."
"Got it," Sami said, "Well, Lia and I hung out yesterday and Uncle Andrew and Aunt Amelia both came by which she liked. And she took a whole two ounces from her bottle at almost every feed yesterday. And it's been 72 hours since her last A and B spell which is her longest streak yet."
"Really?" Maya said, looking down at her daughter who was clinging to her wife's finger, "Good job Peanut."
"And it's just about time for her next feed too," Sami said, "I'm going to go get a bottle prepped."
"Perfect," Maya said, nodding as Sami walked away.
"Good job Trottolina," Carina said, leaning over and pressing a kiss to the top of Lia's head.
"Did you want to feed her?" Maya asked, "I know you work all day so I can get the next one."
"You don't want to try to nurse her?" Carina asked.
"She has been doing so much better with the bottle," Maya said, "Plus, it's hard to know how much she's getting when she's breastfeeding. I still want to try to do it with her eventually, but for now, I think her bottle is better."
"Then yes, I would love to," Carina said, smiling as she unbuttoned her shirt and got ready to take Lia from Maya.
They always did skin to skin with her when they were feeding her because it helped her so much and also because they both loved having that bond with her. By the time Lia was situated on Carina and also done with her little fussy spell she had being moved from Mommy to Mamma, Sami was back with the bottle.
"Oh, is Mamma doing the feeding today?" Sami asked, seeing Lia had moved.
"Si," Carina nodded, taking the bottle as she made sure she had Lia in the right position, "I have to work at 9 so I am going to do this feeding so I get to do at least one today."
"Sounds great," Sami said, "You know the drill. Let me know when she's done and we will get the rest in her NG tube. She was pretty refluxy yesterday so just make sure you keep her upright. Oh, and it's bath day so once she's done with her bottle and her time sitting up we can do that."
"I'm going to miss bath time?" Carina said with a little pout as she looked down at Lia, popping the bottle into her mouth.
"Maybe we can wait and do it when you are on lunch or something?" Maya said, knowing how important these little moments were to both of them.
"It will be ok," Carina said, looking over at her wife, "But you better send me photos because we both know how much Trottolina loves her baths."
"Of course," Maya said, "Wow, look at her go with that bottle."
"Si," Carina said, "She is doing so well."
"Good job Peanut," Maya said, stroking Lia's little hand, "The more of that you drink, the faster you get to come home."
"I cannot wat to have her home," Carina sighed as she wiped a tiny dribble of milk off Lia's chin.
"I feel the exact same way," Maya said, "It feels like part of me is missing every time we leave her here. It'll probably be soon right? I mean, not like this week, but in the next few weeks?"
"I would imagine it will be," Carina said, "But that is mostly up to her. The goal is for her not to have to come home on oxygen or a feeding tube so those things both have to go. We could take her home with them, but it is better if she doesn't need them. But she is making good progress."
"She is," Maya agreed, focusing on Lia again, "You are the strongest preemie I have ever known. And the cutest."
"I still cannot believe we have a bambina with red hair," Carina said, looking at the top of Lia's head which every day seemed to grow more and more little whisps of red hair.
"I know," Maya said, shaking her head, "I guess we have one of each. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head."
"But somehow they all still look related," Carina said, "I see both Rowan and Nora in Lia."
"She for sure had Rowan's eyes," Maya agreed, "And Nora's nose."
"Si, Carina said, "And your lips."
"Does she?" Maya said, "I guess I don't really know what my lips look like."
"Well, I happen to be an expert on your lips," Carina said, smiling over at her, raising an eyebrow, "And she has the same ones as you."
Maya smiled back and was going to lean over for a quick kiss when Lia let out a little cry, Carina quickly turning her attention to the baby. Before either of them wanted, it was time for Carina to head to work for the day, leaving Maya alone with Lia.
The day passed all too quickly, Carina unfortunately missing bath time, but Maya sent her many cute photos including one of a very pissed off looking Lia in her new pink butterfly outfit Carina had ordered while they were all sick with strep.
Lia managed to pull out her NG tube in her dismay over being taken out of the bath so it had to be reinserted which was something that Maya hated watching every time because it always made the baby cry and gag so many, many cuddles were required after.
Maya texted Diane during one of her pumping sessions, both getting the name of someone Diane recommended for Nora and also setting up an appointment for herself. She normally liked to try to see Diane at least twice a month, but with the illnesses and the stress of the NICU, it had been longer than it probably should have and Maya was starting to feel it.
Carina's last patient of the day canceled so she managed to sneak down to the NICU a little bit early, giving Lia her last feed of the day.
"Diane sent me the name of the therapist for Nora," Maya said, "Maybe we can call her tomorrow?"
"Si," Carina said, "I think that is a good idea. Even if she doesn't think Nora needs to be seen regularly, at least we have gotten her opinion and can use her as a resource. And maybe this is just something we have to help Nora through, but I don't want to miss something."
"I agree," Maya said, "I don't like it, but I agree."
"You did nothing to cause this," Carina said, looking over at her wife who was busy playing with her ring, "Hey, look at me please? You did not cause Nora's anxiety. Not you being sick when you were pregnant, not genetics, none of it. Did all of that contribute? Probably. But so did me being sick last year and her going to daycare and a lot of things we probably will never know. It just is how it is right now for her. But we know how to help and when we need more help and that is the best thing for her."
"I know," Maya said, wiping at a tear that was rolling down her cheek, "I just don't like that she's not ok."
"I don't either," Carina agreed, "I hate it and if I could take it all on me, I would, just like I wish I could with Lia or you or Rowan."
"I would never want you to take on my pain," Maya said, shaking her head, "No one should."
"But neither should you," Carina said, making sure she had a hold on Lia before reaching out her hand to her wife, holding Maya's hand, "None of it is fair. We have all been through a lot, especially in the past few years. But it will get better."
"I think once Lia is bigger and stronger and things settle down, we should both take time off, maybe a month or more, and go to Italy," Maya said, wiping her tears again, "Get away from all of this. I know things get stressful when we are there with seeing family, but other than the chaos of those parties, things always feel so peaceful there and I think we all need that."
"I completely agree," Carina nodded, a little confused as to how they had gotten from one conversation to the next but not mad about it, "Maybe next summer. Lia will be bigger and able to travel like that and it will give us all time to adjust to being a family of five."
"I think that sounds like a perfect plan," Maya said, "I know it seemed like that a random conversation jump, but I just…I think I need something to look forward to and I think we all need to be away from the chaos of Seattle for a while. And I know showing the bambine where you grew up is important and we haven't done it as much as we should have."
"Si," Carina said, "I did always imagine taking them there every year, but we have spent a lot of time in this hospital in the past two years which has made it much harder."
"That's true," Maya said, knowing at one point before she got pregnant, they had discusses a trip to Italy while she was pregnant, but her body quickly made it known that would never happen, "Hopefully we don't have to spend nearly as much time here in the next year."
"Si," Carina said, giving Maya's hand another squeeze before taking back her hand to burp Lia, "I hope so too."
"I think we might have to make a rule of no major illnesses for a long time," Maya said, rubbing her forehead, "At least none that require the hospital."
"I wish it was that easy," Carina said with a laugh, sticking the bottle back in Lia's mouth.
"So do I," Maya said, "But hey, look at her go on that bottle. She has taken 2 ounces for me all day today."
"She's getting stronger," Carina said, "Did they adjust her oxygen again?"
"They did," Maya nodded, "If she does well overnight, they will take off the high flow and put her on regular oxygen tomorrow."
"Wow," Carina said, smiling down at Lia who was sucking on her bottle, "That is so good Trottolina."
"It finally feels like we are taking steps in the right direction with her," Maya said, reaching over and holding Lia's tiny hand.
"She is almost 36 weeks," Carina said, "Which means she is getting close to term. Hopefully just a few more weeks and she will be home."
They continued watching Lia, their mouths slowly falling open as they watched Lia suck on the bottle until every last drop of milk was gone.
"Wow Trottolina," Carina said, bringing the baby up to her shoulder to burp her, "That was such a good job. You drank the whole thing."
"I can't believe she actually did it," Maya said, "That's the first time she has ever done that."
"Are you getting to be a regazza grande, a big girl?" Carina asked, kissing the top of Lia's head as she burped the tiny baby.
"I can't believe she really did it," Maya said, picking up the bottle from the table where Carina had set it, "This thing is empty."
"It is," Carina said, smiling, "She truly did it."
Just then, Sami walked over.
"Hey, is she ready for her tube feed?" the nurse asked as she walked over.
"Nope," Maya said, shaking her head.
"Oh, is she not done?" Sami said, confused because she knew how long Lia normally took on bottles and it had been longer than that.
"No, she finished her entire bottle," Carina said as Maya held up the empty bottle.
"Wow," Sami said, "That's amazing. No tube feed this time then. Good job Lia."
Lia just let out a burp causing all the adults to laugh a little bit. Sami left as Maya and Carina continued sitting with their youngest who was pretty wide awake on Carina's shoulder.
"I wonder if her eyes will stay blue or turn brown eventually," Maya said, studying the baby's features.
"We will have to wait and see," Carina said, smiling as she watched her wife make faces at their daughter.
Just then, Sami came walking back over with a little sign in her hands.
"As you guys know, we love celebrating milestones around here," she said, "So Lia gets her first full bottle photo today."
"And she's even nice and clean from her bath earlier," Maya said as Carina took Lia off her shoulder and positioned her more sitting in her lap while Sami held the sign and Maya grabbed her phone.
Photos like these had seemed silly to the blonde when they had first done them, but now that she realized just how truly important each little milestone was, she was always excited when Lia got another milestone photo taken.
"Look at you Peanut," Maya said, smiling as Lia stuck her tongue out during the photo.
Once the photo was done, Sami left the sign taped to Lia's bed alongside the other ones the baby had gathered like "No more CPAP" and "My first bath." Seeing all of these accomplishments lined up felt so huge and Maya couldn't help but beam with pride as she looked at them.
For the next hour or so, Maya and Carina spent some more time with their youngest before packing everything up to get ready to go get the twins. It took a little longer than they had hoped, Lia fussing every time they tried to set her down.
"Trottolina, I wish I could stay and cuddle you all night," Carina sighed as she tried again to lay Lia down only for the newborn to spit out her pacifier and start to cry again, "But your big sisters need us."
"Maybe I could stay?" Maya said, biting her lip as she slipped the paci back into Lia's mouth as Carina held her, "But I promised Nora I would be there to pick her up today."
"Si," Carina said as she got Lia settled again, "You did. Maybe I should stay."
Just then, they heard footsteps approaching and looked over, seeing Miranda walking over to them.
"Hello Bishop-Delucas," the general surgeon said, "I just got off and Ben took Tuck down to see Joey for a few days so I thought I might come down and see how this tiny little one is doing."
"She's very sad her moms are trying to leave for the night," Carina said, bouncing a little with Lia in her arms.
"Well, maybe, if her moms are ok with it, Aunty Miranda could take a turn holding her," Bailey said, "My house is too quiet and I'm not ready to go home to it yet. And I know you two have two other little ones who are probably also in need of some time with their mommy and mamma?"
"They are," Maya said, nodding, "Are you sure you are ok staying with her?"
"Are you kidding me?" Bailey said, "You know I am always happy to hold a tiny baby and steal all the snuggles. Now, give her to me."
"Ok," Carina said, giving Lia one more hug before carefully passing her over to Bailey, the baby letting out a tiny cry before realizing she hadn't been set down, quickly cuddling into Bailey's arms.
"I'm so glad that worked," Maya said, letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, "I hate leaving when she's upset."
"I'm sure," Bailey said, "I felt the same way when Tuck was a baby and he wasn't a preemie. Now, I'm lucky if I get a 'bye mom' on his way out the door. Has she been having a hard day?"
"No, actually she had a good day," Carina said, "She even added a new award to her list and took her whole feed by mouth. I don't know why she's being so fussy tonight. Maybe she's growing or something. Or maybe she just wants to be held tonight. Bambina?"
"What?" Maya said, clearly lost in her thoughts, "Sorry."
"Is everything ok?" Carina asked, noticing Maya's demeanor had changed, "Are you feeling bad again?"
"No, no, I'm ok," Maya said, putting on what Carina saw was clearly a forced smile, "Lia, are you happy with Zia Miranda?"
"I am very happy to have her," Bailey said, "She has that perfect baby smell."
"It was bath day," Maya said, leaning down to press a kiss to her daughter's head, rubbing her back a little bit, "Her favorite."
"Are you ready to go?" Carina asked, also leaning down to give Lia one more kiss.
"Yeah," Maya said, picking up her pumping bag.
Carina was trying to figure out what had happened in the three minutes since Bailey walked in that had changed Maya's demeanor like this, but she couldn't figure it out. She decided not to push it for now, knowing the twins were going to be waiting for them and needed their attention. She carefully slipped her hand into Maya's after they both told Lia how much they loved her, giving it a small squeeze to let her know she was there for her.
Maya still seemed very lost in her head and Carina wondered if she was thinking about the therapy appointment they were going to make for Nora. She hoped Maya wasn't still blaming herself for what was going on, though parts of her own brain were also telling her it was her fault since this had first started when she had cancer. She knew it wasn't her fault either, but she knew how Maya was feeling.
She decided that after they got the girls down for the night, then they could talk. They went and picked up the twins from daycare, Nora basically burying herself into Carina's neck the moment she saw her.
"Did you have a good day today?" Carina asked gently, rubbing the toddler's back.
Nora nodded, not moving from her place.
"Nora, you forgot to get your bag," Maya said after giving her a hug too, "Can you go get it?"
"We will be right here," Carina said as Nora picked up her head, "Go grab it and come right back."
"Mamma, will you tome with me?" Nora asked.
"Sure," Carina said, knowing that Maya had been trying to get Nora out of the picture for a minute so she could talk to the teacher and get a real update on the day.
The moment Carina headed away with Nora, Maya walked up to Nicole.
"Nora did ok today," Nicole said, "She was a little clingy, but she did participate in most activities. And Rowan made sure she was ok all day."
"Good," Maya said, "We have decided to get her in to see a therapist so hopefully soon we will see some more progress soon."
"Great," Nicole said, "Just let us know if there's anything we can do to help. We love having both the girls here. Oh, and Rowan had a great day today. She did have one tantrum because someone sat in the seat she wanted at lunch, but it was short and she was just fine after."
"Good," Maya said, "Thank you so much for everything."
"Mommy," Rowan said as she came running up to her, wrapping her whole body around Maya's legs.
"Hi Patatina," Maya said, smiling as she hugged the little girl back as best as she could, "Did you have a good day?"
"Si," Rowan said, "We played outside and had snacks and I found a rock."
"That sounds like so much fun," Maya said, taking the rock Rowan handed her, "This is a very cool rock."
"Can you take it to my baby Totoina Yia?" Rowan asked, "So she can see too?"
"How about you put it in her room at home and she can see it when she comes home?" Maya said, "There's not much room in her hospital bed for it, but she can see it when she comes home."
"When is she coming home?" Rowan asked as Maya took her backpack from her, Carina coming out with Nora still on her hip.
"In a few more weeks," Maya said, "She still has to get bigger."
"Still?" Rowan said exasperatedly, "It's taking so yong."
"I know," Maya said, "I completely agree. Should we go home and have some dinner?"
"Tan we have pasta?" Nora asked.
"I think that sounds perfetto," Carina said as they walked out of the hospital.
They got home and had dinner before bath and bedtime for the twins. Carina could tell her wife was very in her head all night so after reading books to the twins, Carina went to go find her. She found Maya sitting on the couch, pumping and staring at her phone.
"Are you ready to talk now Bambina?" she asked gently, sitting down next to her.
"I think…I think I'm becoming like him," Maya said, swallowing harshly.
"Like who?" Carina asked, confused as she looked at Maya's phone which had a photo of Lia from today with her little "My first full bottle" sign.
"Like Lane," Maya said, looking at her wife with tears in her eyes.
"What?" Carina said, even more confused, "Why do you think that?"
"Because every time Lia does something and gets her little photo taken, I feel so incredibly proud and all I want is for her to get the next one," Maya said, tears rolling down her cheeks, "And he was like that too. He always wanted me to get the next one. And when you told Bailey today that Lia got her next award…I don't know. I just realized I'm becoming him and I don't want to."
Maya was full on sobbing at this point and verging on a panic attack. Carina pulled her into a hug as best as she could with the breast pump still on her wife's chest.
"Take some deep breaths for me Bambina," Carina said, knowing this panic attack needed to be stopped before they could get anything else done, "Come on. Breathe in with me."
It took longer than Carina hoped, but Maya did eventually get her panic attack to stop, tears still heavy in her eyes.
"Are you ready to hear what I think?" Carina asked as she grabbed a tissue off the table, wiping her wife's cheeks.
Maya nodded, looking down at her ring.
"I think you are nothing like him," Carina said, cupping Maya's cheeks with her hands, "You said he was always looking to the next thing, and I know we do that with Lia too, but why do you do it?"
"Because I want her to get better so she can come home," Maya said, sniffling.
"Si," Carina said, "And who do you give credit to when she does do these incredibly amazing things?"
"Her," Maya said, "She's the one who did them. Her strong little body that fights so hard."
"Exactly," Carina said, "And if she weren't to achieve these things, how would you feel?"
"Sad," Maya said, "Because I want her to be ok and to get better."
"But how would you feel about her?" Carina asked, hoping her wife would start to see her point, "Would you love her less because she didn't do these things?"
"What? No! Never!," Maya said, "I could never love her any less than I do right now. I think I could never lover her more and then, somehow I do, just like with the twins…and with you."
"I love you too Bambina," Carina said, smiling as she pressed a tiny kiss to Maya's lips, "But that is why you will never be like Lane. You love her unconditionally, never putting expectations on your love. I know for a fact that if Lia never achieved another thing in the NICU, your love for her would continue to grow. You would be incredibly sad and so would I because we want her to do well, but not for us. We want her to get better because we want her to have an amazing life and be able to live outside of the hospital and do whatever she wants to do in life. And if all she ever did was be in the NICU and she was happy, that would be perffeto. But she will come home from the NICU and grow here and get stronger and be happy here. You feeling pride in our daughter's achievements isn't wrong. It would be wrong if you only loved her because she did well, if on days when she cries all day and doesn't take her bottles and struggles with her breathing you loved her less, but you don't. You love our children, all of them, so much and it is so beautiful to get to watch. You, Maya Bishop-Deluca, are nothing like Lane. You are my perfect Maya."
Maya was crying again by the end of this little speech, this time for a different reason.
"You are a good mommy Maya," Carina said, "Probably the best in the entire world. And I know you are the best wife. You are nothing like him. You cheer our kids on when things are going well and when they aren't. You love us all so much that I don't even understand it sometimes but it is beautiful and breathtaking and being loved by you is something I am honestly sad not everyone gets to experience because it is that magical and the single greatest feeling in the entire world."
Maya was sobbing by the end of this speech, going to crash into Carina for a hug only to have the breast pump she forgot she was wearing ram into both her and her wife's chest.
"Ow," Carina said as Maya pulled back with a wince.
"Sorry," the blonde said, her voice stuffy from all the crying, "I forgot about it. I think I'm done."
"Let me help," Carina said as she and Maya made quick work of getting the pump off, Carina putting the caps back on the bottles while Maya got her bra situated again.
Carina carried the pump parts into the kitchen, quickly washing them out while Maya labeled the milk and stuck it in the fridge. This was such a quick routine for them at this point that it only took a few minutes before everything was clean and drying.
"Now come here," Carina said, opening her arms back up to her wife, this time nothing there to impede the hug, "I love you Maya. You have worked so incredibly hard to be where you are today and I want you to be so proud of that. These girls are so lucky to have you. Never doubt that."
"I love you so much Carina," Maya said, pulling her somehow closer.
Thank you for always being here to remind me of all of that. You are the best wife and mamma." The two of them just stood there together, happy that if they had to go through everything they were going through, that at least they were doing it with each other to lean on.