Ceremonious
La Push: July
What do you wear to visit the dead?
Do you dress in black out of sombreness, or do you wear something bright to show the vividness they brought to your life?
In truth, I can lay claim to neither emotion. I never fully grieved my mother because I never knew the women; I could only grieve for what could have been. I have no memory of the warmth of her touch or of her soft voice bring me comfort.
I hadn't even been to a funereal before. I didn't spend very much time with my adopted parents's extended family. When their parents passed, I was too young to attend any of the funerals. I had no symbol or grave to visit to remember my mother in Oxford.
Pulling on jeans and a t-shirt, I opted for simplicity and then wondered whether I should get flowers for her grave.
I hadn't told anyone I was going to visit her. I had to do some research to find out where the graveyard was in La Push and to figure out where she was buried. Some subtle probing of Charlie was enough to get the bulk of the information I required.
I wasn't sure what I was hoping to achieve by going to visit her. I hadn't for my whole life; I doubted this was going to be a ground-breaking experience. But I felt I owed it to her.
In quick succession, I found my bike helmet, locked up the house, and was cycling up the driveway. It took a little longer than I'd planned to reach the graveyard, and my legs were a little shaky from the hard cycle, but I was here.
The gravel crunched under the wheels of the bike as the spokes turned, moving me across the parking lot of the graveyard.
For a moment, I wished Paul was here, his warm body embracing me in a firm hug, containing me from my anxieties. But I had shouted at Paul the last time we'd seen each other. Being naked in the water with him, it felt like we'd crossed over a line, and it was impossible to go back.
He filled my mind, thinking about him more than I thought was possible. Even more than I had before.
My desires for him niggled at my soul, and I pine for him even now.
I prop the bike against a wall and open the gate to the entrance of the yard. It is full of headstones; some look incredibly old, and their inscriptions are unreadable. It saddens me tremendously, and I pause to think of the souls that consume this space. The lives of the Quileute people who lived before me.
Apparently, my birth father had paid for her burial. That's why she was buried here. I wonder if he did that out of guilt.
It took me a while longer to find her plot as I wondered through the ghosts and their headstones. I stopped at my mother's gated plot, where a marble headstone dominated, large and shining, with two stone angles on either side. Guarding over her. The inscription was simple, with her name and dates. Nothing personal. There was no mention of how loved she was, of who she left behind, or of how wrongly taken she was from this earth.
Instead, she is dissolved into just a name and a date. She was born, and she died.
I ran my fingers along the headstone.
"Hi Mum," I whispered.
I looked around nervously, hoping I was still alone.
The plots around me were empty, the sky was clouded, and no one strayed nearby. No one could hear me talking to myself.
"I'm sorry, I've not been here before. But it looks like someone's been looking after you," I add, sinking down to the manicured lawn, the marble glittering even in the darkness.
"I've got so much to tell you..." I start to say, breaking off as I realise my cheeks are damp.
I brush hurriedly at them with the back of my hands.
I wasn't going to cry.
I was not going to grieve for a woman I did not know.
I was not going to allow this to be another connection to La Push.
But I did. I sobbed silent tears, leaning my head against the cold marble. I told her how much I missed her. How angry I was that she'd left me! How hard it had been not having my real mother! I raged, and I sobbed harder, and I pleaded with her to help me find the strength to do the right thing.
OooO
The television hummed from the living room, and I looked at Bella in defeat. Charlie and Billy seemed thoroughly settled in for the evening while watching the match.
I hadn't asked permission to come to Forks, and I wouldn't have taken any attempts to block my travel over here lightly. However, when I arrived and found Jacob looking sheepish in the living room and Billy grinning from his wheelchair, I knew I'd been set up.
Dam Wolves.
I wasn't sure how openly we could talk, especially not with Jacob's freakish hearing, but the television was on so loud that I'm sure half the neighbourhood knew the latest scores for each team.
My heart was pulling me back to the reservation, and I tried to block such thoughts. I needed space—something that would be good for me. Plus, it was nice to spend some time with Bella.
We'd excused ourselves as soon as was politely possible, and Jacob looked pleadingly at us to rescue him. But he deserved to suffer in the company of his dad and Charlie for his betrayal.
Bella sat upright, her posture tense, even in her own bedroom. I, however, was sprawled out on the carpet, trying to calm my racing mind.
"How is the wedding planning coming along?" I ask lightly, allowing us to plunge into the topic that must be consuming Bella's life.
I think I do well at keeping the hurt from seeping into my voice. I always imagined, as a child, planning our weddings together. I'd been blissfully naive then.
"I avoid getting into it," she shrugs, shaking her head. "Alice seems to have everything in hand," she says, breaking off with a shrug as if trying to sound as nonchalant as she can about the topic.
But I can see it in her eyes.
I stand slowly, my body throbbing in protest. I sway slightly from the palpitations in my chest, but step to the bed and sink down next to Bella. Slowly, I cup her hand and give it an assuring squeeze.
"Families, hey!" I laugh, gently nudging her.
"You should elope to Las Vegas; you could go to one of those drive-through ceremonies. That really would be a good one for the bucket list." I suggest with delight, my smile widening at the thought of an Elvis impersonator blessing Bella and Edwards in a ceremony.
Bella rolls her eyes, shaking her head.
"I'm sure Edward will be delighted. Charlie would have kittens," she winced.
We lapse into silence, and I stretch out my legs as a cheer erupts from the room beneath us.
"Talking about the bucket list," Bella muses, standing from the bed, crossing to the window, and pulling me with her.
She opens the window and leans out, a breeze running through our hair as we press our heads tightly together. I sense that whatever she is about to tell me is deeply private. Not to be overheard.
Her skin is blushing feverishly, and I cringe, unsure if I want to be given another of her secrets.
"What more is left to go on the list?" I ask, allowing her hand to set upon my arm.
"I wanted to add one more," she admits, looking down at her lap, and I wonder quite how bad her announcement is going to be.
Charlie and Billy are blissfully unaware beneath us of the gravity of what Bella is about to share, and I pray Jacob has fallen asleep or is equally drawn into the conversations going on downstairs to be ear-wigging.
"Well, spit it out." I laugh with a nervous hum of energy.
"Don't get mad," she warns, taking a steady breath. "I want to lose my virginity before I become a vampire," she splutters out.
"Who with? You can't possibly ask Jacob," I warn, immediately jumping in to protect him.
"Of course not," she snaps impatiently, frowning at my lack of sensitivity. "It will be with Edward."
"Is that even, you know, possible?" I demand, a wave of nausea is rocking me. "I mean, he is a vampire," I press.
"Yes, it is," she sniffs.
I nod wordlessly back.
Bella looks away from me, eyes distant in the twilight of the night sky.
"He could kill you doing this, couldn't he?" I ask with a voice so soft that it is barely audible.
"Maybe, but he would never hurt me, Immie," she assures, grasping my hand and giving it an assuring squeeze.
"Of-course not" I agree, but I feel the world crumbling before my eyes. He might very well kill Bella before he is even able to turn her into a vampire.
"It just makes sense. I think it's a human experience everyone should have," she assures, grasping my hands in hers and squeezing assuringly.
"Yes," I agree. "A human experience between two humans—that's how it tends to work, Bella," I deadpan.
"Paul isn't human," she counters with a stab I hadn't been anticipating. "None of the wolves are fully human; does that mean they can't have sex with humans?" She demands, her defences rise to a fortress at the threat I've staged against her beloved Edward.
"That's not the same, Bella," I dispute. "They are still very much alive, and Paul would be fully in control of himself." I didn't add that wolves don't have a desire to kill the person they are making love to by drinking their blood.
She releases my hands as if I've stung her.
My own are clammy with sweat.
"If this is what you want and need, then I can't stand in your way. But I can't help but feel you wouldn't have told me if you weren't seeking my opinion and my advice." I press, giving her an opportunity to confide in me.
"I wanted your reassurances," she saddens.
"Hey, when have I ever been reassuring?" I tease, bumping her arm and slinging my own around her to hug her to my side.
"Valid point," she admits, smiling weakly, her mind consumed in her own thoughts.
"How long has this been planned for?" I ask her.
"A while," she shrugs, looking through me.
"Why can't you just wait until you've become a vampire?" I ask, panic creeping into my voice. He could kill her—I mean, not just turn her into a vampire kind of dead, but dead dead.
"When I become a vampire, I will desire blood, first and foremost. Not Edward. I want my first time to be special," she whispers, her gaze meeting mine and becoming a wild mix of longing and fear. I have a feeling I know all too well, but for different reasons.
"When are you planning on, you know..." I break off, trying to shift the topic away from the darker themes.
"On our honeymoon, those are the terms we agreed on," she reveals bristly.
"The terms?" I laughed; this was beginning to sound a little sinister.
"Edward will take my virginity if I marry him. That's what we agreed to. He's traditional like that" she shrugs, like she's just commented on the weather.
"But that's... God, Bella, you can't agree to marry someone just because they say they will then have sex with you! You can't form a marriage on that!" I cry in horror.
"It wasn't like that," she counters, back-peddling quickly. "I do want to marry him!" she added, her voice becoming weaker.
"Bella," I say, grabbing her firmly by the shoulders. "You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. You can't form a marriage out of a trade-off like that. Just because you don't marry him, that doesn't mean you don't love him," I explain to her firmly.
"I need to do it. I'm going to do it," she whispers defiantly.
"I know, and it's killing me that I can't stop you." I gulped and pulled her into me as the tears began to fall from my eyes.
And then suddenly, within that moment, it became clear.
The future is more visible than Alice could ever foresee.
Bella was going to become a vampire. Bella would be stolen from us all. It was decided, destined now, and fated in the stars.
Nothing I could do would stand in the way of Bella and Edward's story.
Their fate was as intertwined as that of mine and Paul's.
Authors Note: I hope you enjoyed reading this latest update, I loving the reviews so please keep them coming they are so helpful for the story development and to see how readers are engaging with the fiction! I also wanted to thank everyone who has followed and favourited the story so far!
Thank you to my guest reviews again! I am really excited for the journey Imogen is going to go on with working through her autoimmune condition and finding herself on that journey. It isn't an easy path to take!
Lauren Elise10 Thank you for the question, I haven't yet labelled her autoimmune condition, but yes her condition is Lupus. Thank you for the feedback, I'm glad you gave the story a chance! I look forward to checking out some of your stories!