CHAPTER 40: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN

Boom.

It was time.

"Boom!" said James. "It's time! Gotta run!"

"Rio 1952!" Sirius shouted after him.

"Noooo f yooouuu!" Give finger.

"Why did you say Rio 1952?" Remus asked.

"I've just been saying random cities and years because I know one of them is supposed to have this effect on querds."

"Boom! It's time!" Fletcher came running past.

"Helsinki 1896!"

"Nooo! NOOO!" Fingers in ears.

"Now that was weird."

Some random tall chap stopped to talk to them.

"We Hufflepuffs don't like to speak of Helsinki 1896. It was… a very bad time. Helsinki was hosting the Hide and Seek Olympics. The experts said you couldn't catch badgerpest from badgers…"

His eyes went a little glassy.

"Well I gotta boom. It's time. I'm Dilbert Wicker by the way."

Dilbert Wicker left.

"Who the hell was that?" Sirius asked.

"Like, he literally said it one second ago," said Remus. "That was Dick Wilburt."
"Is he anybody important?"

"No idea."

Boom. It was time.

To get their faces painted.

Powerful start for the Graven Slypuffs who beat Hufflepuff.

"YEEEAHHH!" said James.

The next day Slytherin beat Ravenclaw.

"BOOOOO!" James went. "Disqualify Ursula Vulture! Did you see that ludicrous display? Such a dirty trick!"

"I agree," said Sirius.

"What was the dirty trick?" Remus asked before Sirius could stop him.

James filled up his lungs good.

"VULTURE DIDN'T THROW OUTSIDE TO HER RIGHT GUARD AND PLAY THE RUNNING OPPORTUNITY! THIS TEAM MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME EARLY!"

The problem was they always tried to walk it in.

Hufflepuff got their asses handed to them by Gryffindor on Saturday.

"Well that was like watching a grown man cycle with training wheels," said James. "Over a blind puppy with one leg."

Later the same day The Graven Slypuffs were facing Ravenclaw.

"The score is 90-70," said Sirius. "This is getting embarrassing. The snitch has been stalking Fletcher the entire time. Any time James could just give him permission to take it and secure their victory but no, he has to make that tribble happen so he can get the credit. He will sooner lose than not get the credit."

"At least Wren Acapella is terrified of Denebola Crool and Isis Webb. I can't believe how potentially lethal this is," said Remus.

Then at last The Graven Slypuffs achieved a tribble, meaning a synchronised triple goal, a feat worthy of 150 points as well. After that Fletcher was allowed to take the snitch and when he did, close to the end of the game, he received way more applause.

"And the Graven Slypuffs take the snitch! The Graven Slypuffs have won! All thanks to Fletcher!"

In the air group hug that the Graven Slypuffs shared it did look ever so slightly like James was trying to strangle Fletcher.

The mixed locker room was team talks only and had no showers:

"Good job Simon, Steve, Roy, Eb and Isis!"said James. "We got a real shot now! I really thought I was going to have to pull all the weight because, well, that is basically what I have been doing. But good job anyway!"
"Hey what about me?" said Fletcher. "Did I do a good job?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Whatever."

"We won because of me!"

"We didn't win because of you, Fletch. We won because we had the most points. That's how it works in most sports. Most points win. We would have won without you. You're just there because of rule requirements but we don't actually need you. But still, good effort!" Pat on the back.

"Then why do you always tell me to not take the snitch until you tell me to?"

"Because that would be poor tactics, Fletch!"

"How?"

"It's complicated, alright! If you take it too soon, what happens? They release an even smaller one. See? Bad tactics."

Margie Peregrine was super impressed.

"What you have achieved with the Graven Slypuffs is really incredible! I really think you have a chance at the bronze cup!"

If the Graven Slypuffs came third James was going to hang himself. He had already written a suicide note, as a haunting reminder of what awaited him if they didn't come first.

"How did you get a bunch of amateurs to do this well?" Margie Peregrine asked.

James had often fantasised about being asked that.

"Look I just believe in me. I mean them. Them and me. Us? My team isn't my team. My team is our team, my team. I'm only the captain of my team. There is no we in my team."

"You haven't been cheating have you?"

"I would never cheat! Unless hard discipline is cheating. I don't accept weak links."

Which was why the weakest link after each training had to be buried in trash.

"My hands still smell of bin juice." He sniffed his fingers.

"It makes me wonder," said Margie Peregrine, "if perhaps Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw didn't go a bit easy on you after all, because you're just a bunch of kids."

She walked off, leaving James annoyed.

"Way to congratulate me and then immediately piss on my parade!"
"Well," said Sirius. "Don't you think there could be something to it?"

"No!"
But perhaps there was something to it. Perhaps James was simply too cute to be taken seriously. His glasses magnified his Bambi eyes a lot.

Tragedy struck unexpectedly on Sunday. Everybody was put in a state of horrific shock.

"He's done it ageyn! Slytherin beats Gryffindor! Dirty bastard, he's done it ageyn!"

The world seemed to go dark. Somewhere a woman wailed a hauntingly high note.

"I… don't believe it..," said James. "It feels like only a minute ago-"

"It's not the end of it though, right?" Sirius finished the popcorn.

"No but they would really have to-"

"I meant the popcorn, is there more?"

Ravenclaw beat Hufflepuff the same day and with only one game left the Honey Badgers were already out. (Hufflepuffs refused to accept that honey badgers weren't badgers and who could blame them?)

The games continued. Arguably Gryffindor regained a bit of cred by beating the Graven Slypuffs. Very arguably.

"I'm ok, really," said James. "I think, considering I have to do everything… It's really just a team of me when you think about it and considering that I am pretty awesome."

He then got up on a stool and tried to see if he could get his noose around the lamp.

"Have you decided who to leave that card to?" Sirius asked.

"I'm taking it to the grave!"

"Oh ok."

Good to know.

The lamp came off when James tried to hang himself.

Slytherin beat Hufflepuff, shock there. They also beat them in a game, shock there. Gryffindor beat Ravenclaw and the Graven Slypuffs had to face their final defeat playing Slytherin. And so Gryffindor were meeting Slytherin in the final and the Graven Slypuffs were fighting Ravenclaw for third place.

"Did you drown yourself?" Sirius asked when James came in all wet and shuddering.

"I was told that it should be near impossible to not drown if the water is really cold!"

He stomped into the bathroom for a hot bath and peach kernel party.

And then Ravenclaw beat the Graven Slypuffs in a game that confirmed that the former had underestimated the latter the time before.

"Well I had fun and in the end that is what is most important!" said Fletcher.

Everybody grabbed their bins and poured the contents over him.

"What happens to the Graven Slypuffs now?" Steve asked.

"I don't know," said James. "But I'm done. Good bye, everyone. I never thought I'd… miss you so much."

He walked away, towards the woods, rope in hand.

He climbed up a tree, tied the noose around a branch and then threaded it over his head.

"Well… If I'm meant to exist at all I'm sure fate will intervene now."

A cricket chirped. A ball of dry weeds tumbled by. Windy out, all of a sudden.

"Oh well."

He dropped.

The dry branch snapped and he fell.

"Ow! I even fail at dying!"
Someone came flying with a great big woosh and landed with a smooth, elegant wop. And that someone was none other than Margie Peregrine.

"Here you are! I thought you would be back there but your friend said you had gone here."

"Look, I don't want any pity or for anybody to stop me and say that 'I have so much to live for!', no matter how true that is."

"Yeah he said you wanted to discover yourself in private or something. Looks like you are done with that."

"What?"

"So, this is very last minute, but…"

She had the sense of urgency of somebody, who had just caught a speeding cab to the airport, to tell somebody, that she loved that person.

"I got rid of Brian."

"I DIDN'T GET ON THAT PLANE!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Do you watch Spells & Curses?"

"Oh yeah. Great episode."

They had SO much in common!

"So I got rid of Brian. He gave me that card, remember? I said: Take back your Icarus Wren card and take my Jocunda Sykes as well as long as you don't get McGonagall involved! And then I put a bunch of aspirins in his fizzergy so… He shan't be getting McGonagall involved any time soon…" Bite finger.

"You gave back an Icarus Wren?"

"It is so stupid but… when you said…"

FLASHBACK TO JAMES SAYING:

"I don't accept weak links!"

END FLASHBACK

"You really hit a nerve," said Margie Peregrine.

"But you have never accepted weak links!"

"That is why you have to be careful with who you recruit and not just recruit your buddies like Hufflepuff does all the time. That is the main reason they always suck. And now they have to accept a whole bunch of weak links. But Brian is gone. It is you I want. I want you right now."
"You really put aspirin in Brian's fizzergy, returned an Icarus Wren card and ruined a friendship...for me?"

"I did. He was the weakest link. I guess someone is bound to be. I just thought: what is there to lose? I had to change something. Not changing anything and expecting different results is the definition of stupidity. He has the skill, but he doesn't have the fire. I have seriously been losing sleep because of the shame treatment that awaits me if we lose… I even went to my good friend Donna for a tarot reading…"

FLASHBACK TO TAROT READING WITH DONNA

Donna Fly offered tarot readings Mondays and Thursdays in the fortune telling chamber. Margie Peregrine came in and sat down.

"So you seek clarity in this quidditch thing, correct?" Donna asked.

"Oh Donna, I do so much. Do you know what happens to captains who fail?"

"I do. It is pretty horrible. And humiliating. And really unsanitary as well. Not to mention lethal. Such a waste of aspirin."

Donna Fly began to lay out cards.

"First card: the fool."

"What does it mean?"

"The fool can mean things like you must approach an issue with an open mind. This tells me that the answer to your problem is one you have closed your mind to, but you need to open it."

Donna Fly laid out the second card.

"The death card!" Margie Peregrine gasped.

"Now it's ok. The death card doesn't actually mean death. Death means new beginnings. Killing off an old way, to make way for a new way."

"Bla bla, come on Donna, I need something concrete!"
Donna laid out the third card, picture down.

"I promise you, here is the answer you seek."

She turned the card.

"The hanged man. What does it mean?" Margie Peregrine asked.

"Like, new beginnings, or some shit?"

"But that's the death card."

"Like, I forgot?"

END FLASHBACK

"Maybe it's superstition. But I'm superstitious. Before every game I take my knickers off and smell them for luck."

"Oh my God me too!"

"They're practically all holes now but I refuse to throw them away."

"Throw them to me!"
"What?"

"What?"

"But it's like, what if I'm smelling the wrong pair and that's why…"

"We just gotta trust the feeling in our hearts on these matters."

Margie Peregrine smiled.

"Exactly. You really do get it. I can tell. A brain that is all logic doesn't understand this stuff. So what do you say?"