It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and he just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

Tear You Apart / She Wants Revenge

Heads up. Eddie is coming home with me. Someone pissed in his cheerios this morning.

I groaned, staring at the text, and stepped towards our guest room to warn J- and ask him to be nice.

I knocked, only to hear a dull thud, as what I assumed was his shoe hit the door. I grumbled, turning away. Fucking asshole. I need to change before they get here. I considered forcing the issue, entering the room despite his phone call, but decided against it, since Eddie would be less than impressed to show up and see us bruised and bloody. But, I still needed to tell him.

"Eddie figured out where we are, and bullied Jervis into bringing him here. Please , when he gets here, either stay in the room or be nice. I really don't want you two fighting." I shouted through the door, before turning my back to it and sliding into a sitting position. "My life is hard enough." I finished with a sigh.

I heard his muffled voice as he finished the call before the door opened. I looked up to see his disapproving expression.

"Little Orphan Annie's brother?"

I snorted, nodding.

"The one who didn't want you to take my case?"

"J-"

" Why would I be nice to that guy?"

"Because it would make my life easier?"

"And when has that ever been a driving factor for me?"

"Never, but maybe–"

"In fact, I'm wishing now I had taken you up on that fight earlier. Imagine his face when he saw you with a black eye!" He cackled suddenly.

I groaned. "Please?"

"As if that would sway me." He sniffed. "Did you find anything sweet? All this plotting and planning gave me the munchies."

"Jervis has a collection of cookies and snack cakes." I offered, before giving up the real goodies with a sigh, as I stood, slapping my thighs casually. "And there's about a half-pint of moose tracks in the freezer"

He narrowed his eyes, nodding slightly. "Hell yeah,"

I laughed at his antics as he slipped by me, and I was once again given entrance to the room. Now to find something high-necked enough Eddie won't see the aftermath of J's Dracula impression. I'm sure, everything will go okay.

It went horribly. Of course. But anyone with an ounce of knowledge about the two men knew it would. Eddie had been thrilled to see me. Obviously, he had some thoughts about the breakout, and my new criminal status, but I supposed he wanted to lay that all out privately because he didn't bring it up in front of Jervis. In fact, the mood was generally that of a reunion.

And then, like a dark cloud cresting the horizon on the morning of your birthday, Joker entered the room. He had changed into all black, something that suited him quite well, even with the fading green hair, and he stood tall, staring Eddie down with dead eyes.

Eddie flinched under the look, balking at me when he was able to tear his eyes away. I tried to smile reassuringly, but it felt more like sympathy on my lips.

"H-hello. My name–"

"Save it. Boring. Scoot, Harls." He said, and I obliged, rolling my eyes internally at the act. Jervis isn't hurting for seat space, you ass. I didn't have to wonder why he chose beside me long, because he pulled me up from my spot on the couch, draping me across his lap, and making me scoff.

"Please-"

"Shh." He said quietly but with a laugh in his voice, before he turned his eyes back to a lightly disgusted-looking Eddie. "So. I hear you don't like me."

My faux brother looked alarmed. "I- well I wouldn't say that, I don't know you."

"But you didn't think it was a good idea for your sister to meet me."

"J, I think that's kind of fair–"

"Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"But you can be fair."

"I think it's fair if I kill him." He offered. "Should I be fair? Or should I be mean?" I sighed heavily, trying to stand, but his hand shot out, shoving me back against him. "Be still." He growled. The big cat was back, and he was pissy. He acts like such a bitch when he's mad. Glancing up, I saw Eddie's eye's go from disgusted, to concerned, and angry with the move.

"Oh god. I can't do this." I said, lowering my head into my hands.

"Harley?" Jervis spoke for the first time since Joker entered the room, and I took a deep breath, before looking up at Eddie.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know."

"No. You don't."

"Harley–"

"You and Pam and everyone treat me like a fucking child. I can take care of myself, and I need you to stop acting like I can't."

He blinked, glancing from J to me twice in rapid succession, before looking away. "I… Can try."

J cleared his throat, seeming bored. "Riveting. Truly. But Harley and I need to discuss her Grand Entrance tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow? Isn't that a little soon?" I was a little alarmed.

"We will discuss it, privately. " He said with a tight grin, and I ground my teeth. Oh, I'm the asshole, now?

"Fine." I stood, only to be jerked back down again, this time harder. "Are we going or–" His hand covered my lips. Hate it when he does this shit. I glared.

"Aw, So cute when you're pissed." He giggled. "Let's go."

When the bedroom door closed behind him, I spun on him. "Do you have to try to get a rise out of everyone? "

"Uh… Yeaaah. " As if trying for the correct answer. Seeing my face, I saw a glimmer in his eye before he changed his answer. "I mean no. No, definitely not me. No idea whatever you could mean."

I took a step forward, fists clenched, before a wide, sanguineous grin crossed his lips, and I froze, lowering my head back into my hands. "Oh my god, you're gonna drive me insane. Like clinically, actually insane."

"You're already there, Doll." He giggled.

"This isn't funny!" I shouted, lip curling. "Can you take fucking anything seriously, you ugly, misogynistic, son of a no good–" He crossed the room in a single stride and lifted me before I could react, arms securing my legs to him before he crushed his lips into mine. I tried to keep my head afloat, but within a matter of seconds, I was pulling at his shirt, my other hand gripping his greasy, faded hair.

As he pressed me into the bed, lips moving to trace my neck, before his teeth scraped roughly, I pretended I didn't hear his low chuckle.

"You weren't kidding about the distraction thing."

Eddie and Jervis sat in silence after the door closed, and then the subsequent arguing on the other side began.

Tetch stood, sighing. "If you want to sleep tonight, or anytime this week, we should either move to the kitchen, or out of the Apartment."

"What? They're just arguing?"

"Edward, if I've learned anything since they've been staying here this last-" He checked a nonexistent watch. "Forty-eight hours, it's that arguments between those two tend to end with horrific noises emanating from my guest room. I'll have to bleach everything when they leave, you know? And I don't think he's showered once since they got here. Brave woman." He shuddered, and all at once, Eddie recognized his meaning and grimaced.

"Jesus, he's so gross. What does she see in him?"

"What she would like to see in herself," Jervis said simply. "But in case you can't tell, the arguing has stopped, which means I don't know how long we have. I'm going for a drink. Join me?"

Eddie started to shake his head before he sighed for what felt like the millionth time today, and he nodded. "Why the hell not? I'm supposed to meet with Jim Gordon again tomorrow, and looking a bit hungover would probably help my story."

Jervis slipped back on his shoes and reached for his hat, but Eddie laid a hand over his, shaking his head, second-hand embarrassment making him go red. He never understood why Jervis was so extravagant all the time.

"Please don't."

Jervis sighed heavily, nodding, and retracting his hand. "But if it rains, you'll be carrying my umbrella. The acidity of the rain in this city is a curl killer. "

Hours later, we lay, chainsmoking, giggling like children.

"I'm serious!"

"No way," He laughed, "That's so stupid!"

"Come on! For meeee, " I pouted, and he leaned forward with a grin, catching the lip between mean teeth, making it bleed. "Ouch!"

"I'm not buying a necklace that's moronic."

"Not a necklace. A chain. I'm not saying wear it all the time, " I rolled my eyes. "But you could wear it for me," I purred, tracing a hand across his chest. "I think that would look really pretty. A nice, solid gold chain, hanging over this pretty patchwork."

He rolled his eyes. "Sex is your weakness, not mine."

"I think you could pull it off!" I insisted. "Very 70's chic. With one of those suits with a big collar. That would be so sexy. Besides, since when are you not about excess?"

He sighed, as though talking to an unreasonable child, but his eyes stayed light, so I knew I wasn't in trouble. "Maybe. Can we talk about the Job now?"

"Yep!" I grabbed a new cigarette from the pack, and he smiled, pulling his own from his lips, to light it.

"So. You know the Jewelry shop uptown, owned by one of Falcone's bastards?"

I nodded. " Primo Gioielli. "

J looked impressed. "I didn't expect you to actually know that. They're pretty exclusive."

I shrugged. "That's where Guy bought my engagement ring. His parents are on the Gotham General board of trustees."

I almost didn't notice the way his nose twitched. "Hm. Interesting."

"Yeah, it's a big place, though. How many guys are we bringing?"

"Oh, a few," He shook his head. "I- Uh- Johnny usually sets that up, Doll."

"Can we talk about ' Doll'? "

"Can we focus?"

"Fine."

"We go in, make a mess. Take what we want, and leave."

"Am I playing 'getaway girl' again?"

"No. You're in a starring role now, Harley. A Named character. Can't have you relegated to the driver's seat." He snorted. "Though you would do a better job than Johnny, I'm sure."

"Probably not. We're in a different part of town. I try to avoid driving here. People are too damn slow."

"You mean they follow the speed limit?"

"Oh hush, as if you're any better."

He chuckled again. "Fair point."

"Anyway… is that… all of the plan?"

"It's all you need to know." He said evasively.

"You better not be trying to get thrown in Arkham again," I warned. "I'll drag your ass to the car this time."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Why would I do it again? That makes no sense."

"It didn't make sense the first time."

"Yes it did, you just don't want to admit it."

"More like, I don't want to think you're enough of a bastard to do something like that just to get a reaction out of me. Easier to think you're just crazy."

J pulled a face, before grinning like the cat that got the canary. "You would be surprised what I would do for a reaction. I'm all about reactions. I'm a scientist at heart."

"Thought you said an artist?"

"Same thing."

"No."

"Mmhmm." He nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep drag. "Yep."

"Like, Pretty close to opposites."

"Well, I disagree."

"On what basis?"

"Facts."

"Excuse me?" I laughed. "What's your source for that one? Ye' ol' meth pipe?"

"It came to me in a dream."

I cackled, slapping his arm. He retaliated by shoving me off the bed, onto my ass. "Hey!"

"You hit me first!" He insisted.

"Yeah, but it's quid pro quo, not quid pro-throw-her-ass-in-the-floor!" I laughed, and he grinned over the side of the bed at me, reaching to place my fallen cigarette between my lips.

"Well, I'm not a fair kinda guy. 'If they hit you once, make sure they can't do it again,' that's my motto."

"Well, between me and the Bat, you've done a shit job."

"Sometimes you have to decide how much pain a companionship is worth. You and Batsy can hit me because you're interesting. Johnny can talk back to me because sometimes he's funny. Balance. "

"Whatever," I climbed back up into bed, sprawling across the pillows, "Anything else?"

"Wear that leather number. I wanna watch the rich idiots turn inside out."

"Fine, but I get to dress you," I said with a grin.

He considered, staring at me. "You can try, but I have veto power if it's stupid."

"We're dressing like clowns.'

" Scary clowns."

"Fine. We can raid Jervis's collection, he makes so many clothes for men, but most of his customer base is women."

J grimaced. "You're lessening my confidence."

"Oh, please. It's just because the men who can afford his clothes have terrible taste, or are ugly. Jervis has a thing about ugly people wearing his clothes."

"And he wants to make me a suit?" Joker grinned. "Glad to hear it."

I laughed. "I asked him to make an exception."

"No, you didn't," He shook his head. "I told you, I'm learning your tells."

"And I told you, I don't have tells."

Joker laughed, before stopping, face going dead for a moment. "Shit. I forgot."

"What?"

He looked almost embarrassed, glaring and looking away. "My hair is too faded. I need to dye it before we go."

I bit my lip before grinning. "You're right. You're almost as blonde as me now."

"Blonder, your roots are coming in. Ugh. We'll need to reschedule. We'll have to ask your guy to grab it–"

"Nope." I shook my head, standing and stepping into the ensuite bathroom. I opened the cabinet, pulling out a small jar of the green shit. "I thought of that."

He clapped, standing. "Great."

"Let me? It always looks so uneven, and I almost went to school to be a cosmetologist, you know?" I smiled.

J shook his head, eyes closing in confusion. "Criminal Psychiatrist, or Hairdresser? Those were your two picks?"

"Or a ballerina when I was younger." I snorted. "Never had a single class, of course, too poor, but I watched it on TV, tried to learn the dances."

"You're. Odd. But, fine. I actually hate it, the staining is hell."

"You don't wear gloves?"

Joker looked at me with an expression that said, Harley. Ask yourself that question, and then ask yourself why you needed to ask.

"Okay, well I'm using gloves. Shower, then I'll fix you up."

"I thought you were supposed to do it on dirty hair?"

"Myth." I sighed. "In fact, having hair that's too dirty can make the color splotchy. Which. Now that I know you thought that, is illuminating why you're so bad at this."

"Whatever." He sighed. "Shower with me?"

"No, because we won't dye your hair if we do."

"Oh, I'm not that bad."

"You didn't last five minutes in a room with Eddie."

"Yeah, but you were all mad and pretty, and he was a boring carrot top quaking in his boots. The only time I like to be around the trembly ones is when I can kill them. You don't want me to kill him. I didn't. A win."

"So I should be thankful that you didn't… gut my childhood best friend? The closest thing I have to a brother?"

"Yes." He smiled, as though he was thankful I understood. I sighed, pointing to the bathroom.

"Shower. I'm gonna go make coffee. Maybe grab My new laptop. We can watch a movie while the dye is working."

"Hm… Popcorn?"

"Duh."

"I'm in." Without further ado, he stood, stepping into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him.

"Don't forget behind your ears!"

"Shampoo does that, it's fine."

"No."

"Whatever, go make coffee, you dumb blonde!"

"Fuck you!" I walked away before I could hear his reply. In the kitchen I looked for the coffee maker, only to grimace when I saw the French press on the counter. What? How do you even? I lifted the small silver contraption on top questioningly, before lowering it, just as slowly. As if it would explode. Fuck that. Maybe he has cocoa. I set to searching the cabinets, only to strike gold with a small jar of instant coffee, hiding behind a long-forgotten tub of French fried onions.

"Shit yeah!" I said with a smile, dumping two heaping tablespoons into one mug, and only one into the other, before running them each under the tap, and putting them into the microwave.

"Jesus Christ, I had heard rumors, but I never believed it," Jervis said, shocking the shit out of me, and making me turn suddenly, clutching my chest.

"Can everyone stop sneaking up on me before I have a goddamned heart attack?" I said, shaking my head, but smiling to let him know I wasn't actually angry. At least, after the adrenaline rush faded.

"What's wrong with the French press?"

"It's complicated."

"The instructions are in the name! You press!"

"Too hard. I'm used to drip."

He grimaced. "It always tastes so burnt that way."

"Are all British people so picky?"

"Are you asking if we all insist on a quality of life above microwaved instant coffee? Because yes, I'd like to think so."

"A sad country. Can't appreciate the small things in life."

"This is a terrible example of the 'small things in life' I hope you know." Just then the microwave beeped, and I removed the mugs, placing them on the counter before slinging in a bag of popcorn.

"What's up, anyway? It's almost three in the morning."

I grimaced. "Sorry, I didn't realize. Did we wake you?"

"Couldn't if you tried. I wear earplugs to sleep."

"That's kind of dangerous?"

"If I die, I die."

"Fair enough." I sighed, "Do you have creamer? He's a total bitch about coffee. Don't tell him I said that."

"Wouldn't dream of it. And yeah, I keep a few options for clients. You know I'm a tea drinker."

"Because you're a goddamn caricature."

"And you aren't?"

I grinned. "Well, yeah. What's the fun of life if you're not? Oh! By the way… Can I borrow some clothes-"

"No, but you can have them" He snorted.

"Not for me–"

"For him, I know. I figured it would become an issue when he brought up a 'Grand Entrance'," He used air quotes. "I knew he would prefer something a little more snazzy for committing crimes. I picked out a few options before throwing myself into bed, I'll lay them out in the living room before I leave for work. Speaking of, I should head back to bed."

"Before you do, can you help me carry all of this?"

He nodded, grabbing the mugs, and the creamer I selected at random, while I grabbed the popcorn and the new shitty laptop I had had Johnny pick up for me. I knew I might have been paranoid, but I figured better safe than sorry.

Inside the room J stood, back to the door, and fuzzy pajama pants slung low on his hips. Glancing at Jervis, I noticed his disapproving look at the other man. Turning to look at us, Joker did too.

"What is it, Mr. Mercury?"

"I'm just making myself angry all over again that you have been hiding this physique under that big ugly trench coat. Male Models pay hundreds of thousands annually for that sleek-but-toned look, and you have it naturally and just spit on it. A shame." He then made a face. "Also, do you intend to keep calling me by the names of British people you've heard of in passing?"

"You tell me, Queen Elizabeth The Second."

I snorted, trying not to laugh.

"You are both insufferable." Jervis sighed, thrusting the mugs, and the creamer at J, before spinning on his heel, and exiting the room in a huff.

"I'm glad he left, I was running out of British people."

"We can google some, later." I grinned. "How do you feel about popping your Hannibal Lector cherry?"

"That's not a new and quirky way to say butt stuff, is it? Cause I'm not saying no, but–"

"I mean do you wanna watch Silence of The Lambs, you weirdo!" I laughed lifting the laptop. "Why would you jump to anal?"

He shrugged. "I'm a modern-day explorer, I can leave no stone unturned. My natural curiosity knows no bounds."+

"Yeah? Well, keep my ass out of it."

" Your ass?"

"Oh my god-" I giggled.

"So! Silence of the Lambs. I'm curious. Turn it on."

"I will, but let me get the hair dye and a couple towels."

"Towels?"

"So we don't get the dye all over your neck and shoulders? You should probably put on a shirt too."

He frowned. "I thought you liked me shirtless?"

"I do, but I don't think the green dye all over you would be a good accessory." I splayed a hand on his stomach, smiling when he tensed under my hand.

"Careful. Hair dye, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, one minute."

Soon, the movie was playing, and Joker seemed engaged, as though studying the characters. He rolled his eyes at Clarice more than once, making me laugh under my breath as I sectioned his hair, and soaked each of the sections in dye, working from the roots, all the way down to the ends. I stuck a shower cap on him, earning a heavily reproachful look, as he pulled it off.

"Absolutely not."

I grabbed it from his hands, slipping it back on. "It helps. No one will see it but me."

"Whatever. Lock the door so your weird friend doesn't come back in here."

For a moment I fought the desire to defend Jervis. Knowing J? That was as close to a compliment as Jervis would get. "Sure thing."

"I like this movie, so far. And I was right. You're nothing like Clarice. She seems like an uptight bitch. You remind me a bit of Lector, actually. Same creepy-ass smile. And he always thinks he's the smartest person in the room too."

"And he often is."

"You often are too. As long as I'm not there." He grinned. "But you're smarter than him. You know when to play the dumb blonde."

I laughed. "Also, how bad are my roots? Should I bleach them?"

He shook his head furiously. "Leave it. I like it."

"Fine, but only because I'm too lazy to do it right now."

"How long does the goop stay on?"

"At least thirty minutes, but if you can hold out until the end of this movie, I'll blow you."

"Sold." He sighed, lifting an arm in invitation. An invitation I couldn't seem to resist.

Cuddled up to him, we finished the movie with his colorful commentary, which I didn't mind too much, loving that he could turn one of my favorite psychological thrillers into a comedy.

"I see why it's one of your favorites. It's good." He sighed. "The brunette is pretty."

"Oscar award-winning Actress Jodie Foster? Why yes, she is." I chuckled. "You got a thing for short chicks, huh?"

"There does seem to be a trend." He sighed.

"It's fine. I like tall guys." I shrugged.

"Isn't every guy a tall guy to you? Ms. Vertically challenged."

"Oh fuck you."

"Mm, so. So are you gonna put it in your mouth now, or?"

I cackled. "So impatient. Do you want it before or after you rinse your hair?"

"How about during? You can climb in the shower with me now."

I rolled my eyes, but nodded, standing and reaching for his hand, pulling him out of bed, before I turned, whipping off my shirt before walking into the bathroom, with the clown on my heels.

The next morning, I stood in Jervis's living room before J woke up, deciding on his outfit. Jervis had given me two options for his pants and Jacket, one in purple, a bit more slimly tailored than he was used to, with pinstripes that made it look very vintage to me. I loved it. The other was closer to the fit he liked, but in a shade of blue that I knew on sight would clash with his green eyes. Then, I cursed myself for knowing that.

I picked a simple green vest out of the stack Jervis had left, before looking for a button down for beneath it all.

Eventually, looking at all the options, I settled on black. It wouldn't clash, anyway. And he looks sexy in it.

"Shut up," I said under my breath.

"I didn't even say anything," Joker said from behind me. "Jesus. How did you even know I was here?"

"I can hear two mice making love a couple apartments down, what do you mean?" I was thankful I hadn't jumped at his voice, too lost in my own head.

He snorted. "I want breakfast."

"Help yourself. And here's your clothes" I shoved them at him, "I'm gonna go lay back down. Someone kept me up until dawn to dye his hair."

"Sounds like a real asshole. Want me to kick his ass?"

"I'd love to see that, yes." I laughed, "But seriously, wake me up when it's time to get ready."

"Whatever," He sighed. "I'll watch some movies I guess,"

"What a terrible burden to you. How will you survive?"

"I'm not sure. The road is long and tumultuous. But I will persevere."

"Someone's been studying their SAT Vocab."

"SAT?"

"Yeah? Like standardized testing? Fuck, J, when did you drop out?"

He shrugged. "Mentally, or on paper?"

I shook my head. "Alright. That's enough for me, right now. I'm heading to bed."

As the bedroom door closed behind me, I wondered if I was hearing things- or if the was the opening to Red Dragon playing in the next room. Sleep came quickly, in the sunlit room, that smelled like him.

AN: Please comment if you enjoyed. Also, you may notice Sour Candies is becoming a little longer than I originally intended, but I decided to give them a bit of a Honeymoon period since a lot of their lives are going to be... pretty not fun.

I figured giving them a nice little vacation is the least I can do, LOL.