*Surprise :)I'd been planning this for a while, but timelines are super super hard for me (I have no sense of time IRL) so the timeline might not be perfect but hopefully it still works.*
"And then his apprentice killed me. I guess I had it coming. At that point I really didn't mind dying. I'd lost everything--my kits were gone and nothing would ever bring them back."
A flash of pity and concern crossed the big tom's bright blue eyes. At least it's better than fear or disgust.
"Oh, Mapledawn. You have had to live with these horrible memories for so long. Most cats have the luxury of forgetting their past lives. I occasionally have strange dreams--I think they come from past lives. But those lives didn't leave the kinds of scars yours did."
"Wait until you hear what I did after," Mapledawn said with a dry chuckle. "I became a matriarch of murder. I went to this evil place, the Dark Forest. I led dead cats to kill and corrupt the living. I clung to my revenge because it's all I knew anymore, all I cared about. I murdered Spottedleaf's spirit… An altogether decent cat, but I resented her. She couldn't have the cat she loved, either. I should have pitied her, but I killed her."
"You can't kill an eternal soul, Mapledawn. It's horrible, forcing her out of that afterlife, but there's always more existence after. Reincarnation, or whatever you'd call it. And that wasn't you… You can't keep equating yourself with this long-dead version of you. You're Mapledawn now. You're not Mapleshade."
"But I was--"
"But you're not." He reached out and took her face in his paw. "You are who you are in this moment. Your past shapes you, but it does not define you. Mapledawn, it's time to bury the cat you used to be. She's gone." He retracted the paw, leaving a warm imprint in the fluff around her cheeks. "She can't hurt you anymore."
"If only it were so easy."
"It is so easy. Let's get back." Their fur was dry by now; they'd talked for hours. The sun was beginning to set as they crawled back up from the tunnel. "You still haven't met everyone. There's a queen with kits here. I think you'll like them."
Why would I like a stranger's kits? She tilted her head. His eyes were inscrutable. Because I had kits in a past life?
Mist Shadow and River of Starlight were trending to their herb garden while Yew looked on, occasionally asking questions. Waiting Falcon led Mapledawn to a shaded grove full of prey-fur nests. A ginger tabby lounged in one. The largest nest held a smoky gray she-cat. Her kits were only a few days old; there were two, a dark gray tabby she-cat and a solid black tom with blaze of white on his chest and a white tip to his tail. The two were clumsily batting at each other's tails.
"Waiting Falcon," said the she-cat kindly.
"Cinders. This is Mapledawn."
The she-cat dipped her head. "Pleased to have you here. This is my daughter, Soot, and my son, Raven."
Mapledawn dipped her head to each cat in turn. The tom, Raven, had wide, curious yellow eyes. He scrutinized her with an innocently searching look, as if wondering where she'd come from. Mapledawn realized that Waiting Falcon was the only other cat there aside from her who had the sturdy build of a FireClan cat; Cinders and her kit weren't as slight as TallClan cats, but they were much slimmer than Mapledawn. Raven reminds me a little of Jaggedclaw, but with a shorter tail. And less mean. She found herself grinning. The kit tilted his head and made a funny face. She laughed louder.
"I knew you'd get on famously," said Waiting Falcon with an oddly soft smile.
The smoky gray queen pulled her kits closer. "How far along are you?" she asked politely. "It can't be long now."
"What? I'm not with kits." Mapledawn's hackles rose. "That's--why would you say something like that?"
Cinders' eyes widened. "I suppose it's your business," she said. "I won't pry."
"I'm not with kits! I would have known. I mean, it would have had to be when--when--and that was nearly two moons ago, there is no way. I mean--" She backed up, a cold sensation lifting the fur at the back of her neck. "--I'm not with kits."
"Sorry, Cinders. We'll see you later." Waiting Falcon shoved her gently away from the nest. "Let's get you some rest."
"I'm not with kits!"
"I'm sorry, Mapledawn. But you are."
"No, I'm not. That would mean--and--stop it! Why would you try to trick me like that?" She fell against a tree trunk, trembling.
"Mapledawn." Waiting Falcon pressed gently against her. "I've known since I met you. And I think you know it, too. You just don't want to believe it."
"No! If I'd known, I… I wouldn't have put them at risk like that! What kind of mother runs until her body collapses when she has precious kits growing in her belly?"
"That doesn't matter now." Waiting Falcon let out a soothing purr. "I thought maybe seeing Cinders' kits would help you feel more at ease. There's other cats here who can help you through this. You don't have to do it alone."
Mapledawn, still trembling, looked down at her flanks. I don't look pregnant at all… Her long, fluffy fur hid the swelling in her belly.
"I'll help you any way I can."
"You?"
"I know we haven't known each other that long, but I feel… A connection to you. I don't connect to most cats. I've always thought I was happy to wander the forest alone, coming back here when I got tired. But you make me feel like I could want more."
"That's--" I don't know how to respond to this.
"It's okay. You told me what happened with Wrencatcher. I know you're still hurt. I know it's hard for you to trust. I'm willing to wait."
Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant… Flashes of her past life, so vivid it made her chest ache. Patchkit's sweet, nervous eyes, his pelt almost exactly like hers; Larchkit's soft, dark brown fur; Petalkit's antics. I had you for such a short time… She let Waiting Falcon's rumbling purr soothe her. If I lose these kits, if it happens again… I won't survive.
"I figured you'd talk about it once you were ready. You were really broken when you first came here." Mist Shadow shrugged. "The herbs I've been giving you are good for expecting queens." Her paws moved deftly over Mapledawn's belly. "Feels like a small litter. One head… maybe two… might be a third. They're big, though. This one feels really strong. Won't be more than a few days."
"A few days? Days? I only just found out! How can I be ready in days?"
"Don't worry." Mist Shadow chuckled. "Easy for me to say, right? I've never kitted. But I've helped dozens of queens give birth."
"And me," said River of Starlight. "Between the two of us, and with Cinders for company, you'll be in very capable paws. Maybe better than back in your 'Clan,' if you don't mind me saying."
Yew, who'd been watching from the edge of the nest--she'd moved into a big nest by Cinders, at Mist Shadow's insistence--bounded up and pressed his cheek firmly against Mapledawn's chest.
"You knew, too?"
"I guessed, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't gonna press you. You just seemed so sad. I thought it would just make you worse."
"Well. You're probably right. I wasn't ready to face it. You're a good friend, Yew."
"Yeah, I know." Yew made a sound half between a laugh and a purr.
"Kits." Mapledawn shook her head. "I'm going to have kits." Kits with the cat who hates me more than anyone--except Frecklefang, of course.
"And the father?" asked River of Starlight.
"A Clan cat." She uncurled her claws resolutely. "He'll never have any claim over these kits. Not after how he treated me." Until now, she'd felt losing Wrencatcher was all her fault. But that wasn't true at all. He'd betrayed her. He'd turned on her just because a dead cat he didn't even know the name of told her she was a traitor. No cat like that has any right to know these precious kits.
"You say that like there's a chance he'll meet them one day," said Mist Shadow shrewdly. "But that's not my business. This is a good place for kits. You're under no obligation to stay after that."
"I don't know what I'm going to do," Mapledawn admitted. "But that doesn't matter now. What matters is taking care of my kits."
"And yourself," said Waiting Falcon.
"What about my fever? Could that have hurt them somehow?"
"I can't be sure until they're born, but the fact that you survived should mean they survived, too. I think--" Mist Shadow paused thoughtfully. "I think they were far enough along to get through it. They're more fragile in their first moon."
Mist Shadow and River of Starlight told her goodnight. Yew went for some night hunting, while Waiting Falcon took a nest just behind Mapledawn.
"Wake me if you need anything," said Waiting Falcon. "I'll be here."
"Thank you." She wasn't sure how to feel about Waiting Falcon. But she had to admit it was comforting to have him sleeping just a tail's length away. As she curled up in her nest, she pictured Patchkit, gentle, shy Patchkit, nuzzling at her belly. I don't know if you'll be the same kits I lost or someone new. But I promise to love you no matter who you are, who you were, or who you become.