CHAPTER 39

Mapledawn couldn't believe it.

She was home.

Little Patchkit, perfect, sweet Patchkit, suckled gently at her belly, swathed in the scents of both her and Redpoppy's milk-plus the three newborn kits at Mapledawn's mother's belly. They were each fast asleep, while Patchkit's tiny paws kneaded tirelessly away. Redpoppy's three kits-Hawthornkit, a brown-and-ginger tortoiseshell she-cat; Cricketkit, a brownish-ginger tom; and Petalkit, a pale ginger she-cat-were almost the same size as Patchkit, and shared so much of Mapledawn's blood that their scent was almost hers, too.

Mapledawn nestled deeper into the nursery bedding, purring. Her mother glanced over at her, eyes half-closed with contentment. It was nearly moonhigh. A sliver of moonlight trickled from a gap in the thick-woven branches above her head, illuminating Mapledawn's white paws. Thrushflight was asleep with his spine pressed against Redpoppy's, snoring softly in the dark. Ravenkit was asleep, too, at the very top of the huddle of Redpoppy's three kits, his white-tipped tail twitching in his sleep.

Petalkit. Surely the Ageless Ones hadn't sent back yet another spirit, and so quickly. Besides, I don't know who gave birth first, me or my mother. Redpoppy couldn't have known that Mapledawn lost a precious kit with the very same name, Petal. Redpoppy had already told Mapledawn how Petalkit came out last, so far after the other two that half the Clan had thought Redpoppy only had two kits, Cricketkit and Hawthornekit.

Besides. Mapledawn lapped Patchkit's head with gentle strokes. Well, it was kind of perfect. Petalkit, my little leader. Did you find a way into this world? Mapledawn realized with a soft purr that it didn't matter whether Petalkit was her own twice-dead kit brought back yet again, or coincidence. She loved the she-cat as fiercely as possible, no matter where her spirit came from.

Mapledawn remembered Unshaken Leaf taking her dead kits to Bloomspirit, and purred even harder. Larchkit was safe in the hunting grounds of the stars, no doubt hunting with Bloomspirit, hearing stories from Nettlescratch, learning how to climb trees from Foxjump, curling up with Auntie Goosefur in the sweet greenleaf grass. Maybe Petalkit was there, too, or maybe she was asleep only a few clawlengths away from Mapledawn, content with a belly full of milk.

I was an idiot to leave this place. Of course, if she hadn't, she'd never have found six fine new FireClan members: enthusiastic trio Pigpaw, Burrpaw, Littlepaw; well-meaning Yew; potential medicine cat Mistpaw; and of course, Waiting F-Falconpaw, Mapledawn corrected herself. As a brand new 'paw, Falconpaw was spending his nights in the swollen apprentice den, trying to tow the line and learn the code, but he visited the nursery as much as possible. It had only been three days since Mapledawn and the Crash cats arrived in Thunder forest. Mapledawn hoped, after a bit more time to prove his loyalty, Yellowstar would let Falconpaw share the nursery with Patchkit and Mapledawn, maybe after his apprenticeship to Dapplecreek became official.

Patchkit opened his mouth in a massive yawn and tucked his nose in Mapledawn's long fur. The dark red queen moved to do the same, but as she did, her eyes crossed over the nursery entrance-and locked with another pair, gleaming in the moonhigh gloom.

Pale amber eyes shone in the dark, staring straight at Mapledawn. She didn't hold back her growl. Redpoppy, then Thrushflight, stirred at the sound.

"I just want to talk," Wrencatcher mewed softly. "I was trying not to wake the kits."

Mapledawn growled deeper, letting her claws slide out of their sheaths. Redpoppy's orange eyes narrowed; Thrushflight opened his mouth in a silent hiss.

"Please," Wrencatcher whispered. "I promise no harm. What can I do to you here, in the middle of the Clan? Please, Maple."

"How dare you call her that?" Redpoppy hissed. Cricketkit stirred beside her; all three cats in the nursery froze, afraid to wake the kits.

Mapledawn rolled her eyes. She stepped around Patchkit and nodded at Thrushflight, who came to curl around her ginger-and-white kit, casting daggers at Wrencatcher as he did. Mapledawn padded carefully around Thrushflight and out of the nursery, her pelt brushed out, a snarl on her lips, and hissed: "Make it quick, Wrencatcher."

Mapledawn led her former friend, her former mate, a few foxlengths away to the dirtplace, where it would be quiet.

"Speak," she hissed, "and be quick."

"Mapledawn…" Wrencatcher hesitated, looking down at his paws. "I just want to say I'm sorry-"

"If that's all you woke me up for," Mapledawn spat, turning to leave, "I'm going back to my nest."

"Wait!" His eyes were wide amber moons. "No, I won't, if you don't want to hear it. I just wanted to ask…" He shuffled his paws, licked his chest, and said nothing for a few tense moments. "Well, I wanted to ask what happened to Frecklefang."

"Of course." Mapledawn let her claws slide out again. "The two schemers, you and your sister."

"Please," Wrencatcher said. "She's my kin." His eyes were still wide; Mapledawn could smell his fear. She looked at him, torn between hate and pity.

She thought of Bloomspirit, dead in the clearing while the Clan mourned her, lying still like prey, growing cold on the bare earth. She remembered Yellowstar gracing her with a deathname, sending her to StarClan as a warrior, when she never got to be one in life. Frecklefang got to be a warrior, Mapledawn thought with a snarl, and she wasted it.

But… as angry as Mapledawn was at Wrencatcher and Frecklefang, not to mention Frecklewish, she couldn't take it out on Wrencatcher. He was right. Frecklefang was his kin, and it was only natural he'd worry for her. Maybe he missed his sister as much as Mapledawn missed hers.

"She's not dead," Mapledawn said flatly. "At least, she wasn't the last I saw her. She joined Scratchface in the raid against the Crash cats, intent on killing me for who I used to be." Mapledawn curled out her tongue in disgust. "What a waste of a strong warrior," she said, mostly to herself. "Blinded by the past." She shut her jaws with a snap. Why'd I say that? Blinded? She shook her head. "I beat her myself," she told Wrencatcher. "Most of Scratchface's cats fled, but Frecklefang was blinded. We left her there in the paws of the Crash cats. All of them know herbs, to some extent or another, and River of Starlight would be as fine a medicine cat as any Clan has ever seen."

"Blinded?" Wrencatcher yowled.

Mapledawn silenced him with a kiss. "Like I said," she continued, "the Crash cats are capable." Mapledawn turned to leave again. "I've told you all I know," she mewed behind her. "Do with it what you-"

"Where are these cats? How far away?"

"Don't," she hissed, turning to Wrencatcher. "Don't." She thrust her muzzle close to the treacherous tom. "Your Clan needs you, Wrencatcher. Whatever you may have done, you're still a warrior of FireClan. Were you even listening when I returned to camp? Scratchface isn't done with us. I don't know what his plans are, but he called his ragtag bunch of foxhearts 'ShadowClan.' I don't know how Weaselstar figured into it, or TallClan, either, but mark my words, it won't be long before that piece of crowfood returns to finish what he started."

Wrencatcher flattened himself down, ears pressed tight to his skull. He looked tiny, like a new apprentice, with Mapledawn standing over him. He looked up, sorrow plain in his wide eyes. With a start, she realized how thin he'd become. His ribs showed through his pelt, which was poorly groomed. Whatever had happened while she was gone from FireClan, it obviously hadn't settled well with Wrencatcher.

"I can't forgive you," Mapledawn mewed, "and we can never again be what we were. But you can still prove your loyalty to FireClan." She bent down, torn between the urge to leap on his back and pummel him into the sandy dirt-and to lick the top of his head like a queen would a kit. "I know you're worried about her, although I don't think she deserves it. But Frecklefang doesn't need you right now." She lifted her head and turned to point her tail at the Highledge. "Yellowstar does."

Wrencatcher's mew was low when he answered. "You're right," he said. "I have to find her… But not right now." He fixed her with a steely gaze. "I did love you, you know. I really did. It pains me to see Patchkit-"

"He isn't yours."

"That's fine," he mewed softly. "I won't try to claim him." Wrencatcher picked himself up and licked his chest fur smooth. "I want to be the best warrior I can be," he whispered. "Not for Frecklefang, not for you." His eyes drifted over to the elder's den.

Mapledawn nodded shallowly. His parents must've hated him after what he did. Yellowstar's eyes were always cold with him. She hadn't been back long enough to see how he got on with his brother, Acorntail, but she guessed it wasn't well.

"The past informs on us," Mapledawn said, "but it doesn't define us. We are who we decide to be in the moment." She swished her tail. "Don't let me catch you near the nursery again, Wrencatcher."

She didn't look back as she padded to the nursery. She winced when she reached the mouth of the den to find Patchkit awake and staring at her, his little tail puffed up like he was running from a badger.

"Merble!" he meowed. "Where'd you go? Who was that cat with the scary eyes?"

Mapledawn curled around her kit and licked the top of his head in long, rhythmic strokes. "Just someone I used to quarrel with," she mewed softly. "His name's Wrencatcher. I'll explain it all when you're a bit older. For now…" She paused mid-lick to look at Patchkit, whose fur was starting to smooth. "He's your Clanmate, but I'd stay away from him if I were you."

"Okay, Mommy." Patchkit yawned and settled against her, his tiny chin resting on her belly. "He was scary, anyway."

Mapledawn believed that Wrencatcher meant everything he'd said. But he'd meant it when he turned on her, too. Her own words replayed in her head: "We are who we choose to be." She wasn't convinced Wrencatcher was ready for that decision. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Only time would tell. She wasn't Clan leader. She wasn't even a senior warrior. For now, she was a devoted queen. Nothing was more important. She pitted Yellowstar's position. Wrencatcher was her problem, not Mapledawn's.

I'll tell her about him tomorrow, she thought, yawning, as Redpoppy curled up against her spine, her pelt heavy with the smell of sleep.

When Mapledawn woke early the next morning, it wasn't amber eyes staring at her from the nursery mouth, but eyes the color of leafbare icicles hanging over the lake. She broke into a loud, rumbling purr, and Falconpaw pressed his muzzle against her cheek, purring, too.

"It's weird sleeping without you," Mapledawn said, taking in his wild, forest scent.

"I know," Falconpaw murmured. "I'm still getting used to sleeping close to so many cats."

"The apprentice den usually isn't quite so packed," Mapledawn said with a chuckle.

"Way-Falcon!" Patchkit chirped, launching himself onto Falconpaw's chest, where he hung onto his long fur with his thornlike claws. "You're here!"

"It's Falconpaw now," Mapledawn said softly. "Falconpaw."

Patchkit scrunched up his muzzle, giving her an annoyed look. "But I just learned how to say Way-Falcon," he grumbled.

Falconpaw rumbled a laugh. "Anyway," he said, "Yellowstar wanted to see you. Can Redpoppy watch Patchkit for a while?"

"Of course," Redpoppy said from the other side of the den, getting up and stretching out her limbs. "Maybe later you can take Patchkit and Ravenkit out to see the camp."

"Yes, please!" Patchkit and Ravenkit said, almost in unison.

Mapledawn pressed her head against her mother's chest, lost for words. She seemed to accept Falconpaw wholly, without question. Mapledawn couldn't have been more pleased that her mother approved of her choice in mate.

"I'll be back later, little one," Mapledawn said to Patchkit. "Be good for your grandmother cat, okay?"

"Alright," Patchkit said with a serious air, going to sit politely next to Redpoppy. "Bye, Merble."

Falconpaw mouthed "Merble" teasingly, and Mapledawn whipped his flank with her tail.

"I've never seen a kit so attached to their mother," Falconpaw said, purring, as they headed into camp together. "Yellowstar's in the training clearing with those three." Mapledawn knew which three she meant. "If you don't mind going that far out of camp?"

Mapledawn shook her head brusquely. "Patchkit couldn't be safer with Redpoppy and Thrushflight." Just then, Yew (Yewpaw, Mapledawn reminded herself) leapt out from the dirtplace, yowling a greeting, his tail held high.

"Mapledawn! Where's the little one?"

"In the nursery," Mapledawn said.

"Can I visit?" Yewpaw asked, obviously buzzing with excitement. "Please?"

Mapledawn flicked her ears. "Mind you don't wind the kits up too much," she called after the gangly tom. "Redpoppy wouldn't thank you for that!"

Mapledawn and Falconpaw walked side-by-side, pelts brushing, out of camp and up the hollow.

"This is all I ever wanted for us," she said quietly. "Warriors of FireClan. Could anything be more noble?"

"I'm not a warrior yet," Falconpaw said. "But one day, I hope so."

"How are you getting on with Dapplecreek?"

Falconpaw dipped his head. "She's a wonderful cat," he said. "Thoughtful, wise, and quick as a fox. She obviously mentored you well. I'm honored to be her apprentice."

"She talks about me?" Mapledawn perked her ears.

"Of course," Falconpaw said with a purr. They were coming to the sandy hollow FireClan used for battle training. "Although," he said softly, "I think she's still not over how you left the Clan."

Mapledawn's tail drooped a bit. I'm not surprised, she thought. I didn't even say goodbye. She'd just have to work extra hard to win her mentor's trust again.

"Good, Pigpaw!" Yellowstar was shouting. "Use your superior size over your opponent. You don't have FireClan's long legs for jumping, but that doesn't mean you can't use what StarClan did give you."

"Yeah," said Burrpaw, squashed underneath the stout brown tabby's bulk, "your big fat belly!"

"Don't be an asshole," Pigpaw retorted, drawing up a paw to swipe over his muzzle, "just because I beat you."

"None of that," Yellowstar said. "You and your strange words." She turned and dipped her head to Mapledawn and Falconpaw. "Okay," she told the three apprentices in the clearing, "you can go back to camp. Ask Paletuft if she has any tasks for you today."

"Great!" Pigpaw yowled, leaping off of Burrpaw's back. Littlepaw, Burrpaw, and Pigpaw headed back to camp, each of them nodding warmly to Mapledawn, although Burrpaw still looked a little rumpled over the battle practice.

Yellowstar motioned Mapledawn and Falconpaw over. "Falconpaw," she said, dipping her head. "I know it must be odd, sharing a den with so many cats-most of which are quite a bit younger than you."

Falconpaw dipped his head in a genuine bow. "It is," he admitted, "but I'm honored, Yellowstar. I know I can't expect to be made a full warrior just because I'm older than Skypaw and Stormypaw. I don't mind proving myself," he added, turning to lick his shoulder self-consciously.

Yellowstar looked pleased. "You may go," she said to him. "And don't tell the others quite yet, but I plan to hold the official Ceremony of Paws for you and the other newcomers tomorrow."

"Thank you, Yellowstar," Falconpaw said.

"Yes," Mapledawn echoed once he'd left. "Thank you. It means a lot to me."

"Come, sit next to me." Surprised, Mapledawn took a seat a few clawlengths away from her leader. "I must admit," Yellowstar said, "it's good to have you back. But the way you left." She shook her head. "I can't simply forget it. No," she said when Mapledawn opened her mouth, "I understand why you did it, and I believe you were following your destiny. But you could have come to me."

Mapledawn was surprised to see hurt in her leader's amber eyes. "You're right," she admitted. "I acted rashly. I was just so scared of… Of myself, really. My past. How I fought Frecklefang. What it meant about me." She sighed. "But you've shown me over and over again that you're fair and wise. I should have trusted you." She lifted her head to her leader's gaze. "I'm sorry, Yellowstar. If it helps, I think I've grown a lot since I saw you last. I just hope I get to prove that to you."

"See that you do," Yellowstar said softly. The two she-cats were silent for a while, staring off into the trees. "Mapledawn," Yellowstar said, breaking the short silence. "I'd like your opinion on something."

"Yes?"

"Wrencatcher," Yellowstar said.

"I spoke to him, actually. I was going to come to you today about it." Yellowstar looked at her intently. "I still don't trust him," Mapledawn added, "not fully. He still needs to prove his loyalty." She recounted her conversation with Wrencatcher the night before, down to the very last detail. No more secrets. "Right now, he truly wants to do the right thing, to be a loyal warrior. I'm a bit afraid, though, that he'll go after Frecklefang."

Yellowstar looked at her paws, her face thoughtful and reserved. "Well," she said softly. "She is his kin. I don't think I could ever let her back into the Clan, even if she's as disabled as you say she is. A blind cat can lead a full life. You're too young to remember this-" Yellowstar paused. "At least, this you is."

Mapledawn looked away.

"I know, it's hard to talk about. But many generations ago, FireClan had a blind Clan deputy, Cedarwhisker. He was a cunning, strong warrior, and he served his Clan for many moons. Just because Frecklefang's blind now doesn't mean she won't try to come back."

"True," Mapledawn said. She tilted her head. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking we're about to go to war with BlackClan, most likely, and we can't afford to have warriors with such divided loyalties as Wrencatcher. And," she added with a flick of her ears, "I'm thinking Wrencatcher really is desperate to prove himself. So. Maybe we let him go to Frecklefang, with my blessing. Perhaps he can convince her to set her claws on a different path. One that doesn't involve FireClan."

"Or perhaps she turns him."

"Or perhaps Wrencatcher learns from Frecklefang what Scratchface is planning for the Clans," Yellowstar returned calmly. "Frecklefang is already lost to us. Wrencatcher may be, too. But this way, we might still gain something."

"And if StarClan is truly shining on us," Mapledawn added, "we might gain Wrencatcher and Frecklefang back?"

Yellowstar dipped her head to Mapledawn. "You're thinking like a Clan leader."

Mapledawn hesitated. She was suddenly aware how young she was, despite the old dead self and its memories swirling forever around in her head. This was her leader, and more than that, a powerful, wise, and confident warrior who knew how to take care of her Clan.

But.

"Mapledawn?" Yellowstar chuckled. "You obviously have something to say."

"It's not my place."

"I'm telling you, go ahead."

"Alright," Mapledawn mewed. "I don't think there's any way we can ever trust Frecklefang."

"I understand how you can feel that, after everything she did to you."

Mapledawn shook her head. "No, listen. In the old Clans, in ThunderClan, there was a cat… Cinderpelt. She'd been crippled before she could become a warrior-they made her medicine cat, I remember. I remember even better the Ageless Ones sending her back to ThunderClan to try again, to have another chance at becoming a warrior." She shook her head once more. The memories came so clearly all of a sudden. When had Mapleshade even learned this? It was hard to piece together those old memories, but this Cinderpelt, she was sure, was born long after Mapleshade died. Mapledawn remembered feeling… jealous. Yes. Watching from the shadows as the pretty gray she-cat got to live twice.

Yellowstar nodded. "Go on," she said.

"They sent her back," Mapledawn continued, "and she became Cinder… something, Cinderfur? No, Cinderheart. A warrior. But when Cinderheart learned about her past life, and eventually worked through it, she released this Cinderpelt from her spirit. She wasn't Cinderpelt. She never had been. Cinderpelt had been a silent passenger, like a tick on her brain, but that was it, Cinderheart was a completely different cat."

"But that's perfect," Yellowstar mewed. "That solves everything neatly! If Frecklefang gets rid of this…"

"Frecklewish," Mapledawn put in.

"Frecklewish," Yellowstar said, "then she can just be Frecklefang. She can let go of her old grudges."

"But don't you see? That's the problem. This isn't Frecklefang with Frecklewish hanging onto her like a tick, this actually is Frecklewish. A cat who had everything, and now has nothing! A cat who doesn't have any interest in changing, any motivation whatsoever." She sighed. "Of course I wanted to change. I had nothing… Now I have everything. And I'll always carry the weight of who I used to be. Mapleshade did so many evil, rotten, filthy things, and for so long, and…" The words tumbled out of her. I thought I was over this! But she couldn't stop herself from saying it. "And there must be some part of me that's capable of all that evil, all that horror. I see it when I see Frecklefang, how easily I rise to her goading, how quickly my claws slip out." She paused; she was panting, she'd been talking so fast. "But Frecklefang must believe she's right, because she was a good cat before. At least, an okay cat. She was never evil. Why would she want to change?"

Mapledawn looked over her back in surprise to see Yellowstar's tail resting lightly on her shoulder. "That's why you ran," Yellowstar whispered, "isn't it? You were afraid of what you might do."

Mapledawn hung her head. She couldn't bear to meet her leader's gaze.

"Mapledawn," Yellowstar mewed. "You didn't kill Frecklefang. You had the chance, but you didn't."

"Mapleshade did the same thing," she croaked. "She blinded Frecklewish and left her to die."

"You didn't leave her to die. You left her in the paws of cats who knew herbs and healing."

"What else could I do?" Mapledawn let out a wail. "What could I do?"

"You have the heart of a warrior," Yellowstar said, her voice still as soft as an owl's wings. "Whatever name you once had, you're a true warrior now, Mapledawn. And I think you're right. We can't trust Frecklefang." She stood up, shaking sand from her pelt. "But what kind of leader would I be if I didn't give her one last chance?"

Mapledawn dipped her head. Again, she realized how little she envied Yellowstar's position. Frecklefang had lied to her Clan; she'd attacked a Clanmate; she'd betrayed her leader's trust. But hadn't Mapledawn done many of the same things? She'd abandon FireClan, and yet Yellowstar had given her a second chance.

Okay, Frecklewish. Mapledawn and Yellowstar were both quiet as they made their way through Thunder forest, back to camp. If you can manage to think for yourself for once, instead of blindly following Oakstar? Maybe there's a chance for you. She forced her hackles to smooth as she pictured Frecklefang's sneering face. A tiny chance.