A/N: This was written for the following Wacky A/U prompt: Imagine yourself as a self-insert character in the Harry Potter universe after being transmigrated into the pages of the book. But you're not the protagonist or the villain, you're just a no-name side-character! You know how the books end since you've read them, but you know in your heart that Harmony deserved to be end-game. And now you're given this opportunity to maybe make a difference. What would you do?

Petrificus Somewhatus and the Out Of Sorts Gryffindor

I scanned the library and spotted her, tucked away in a nearby corner. She looked just as out of sorts and off as I expected. I took a breath.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked.

She scanned the room and frowned at the myriad empty tables surrounding us, eventually offering a muted, "no," before turning back to her work.

I reminded myself to tread carefully as I sat down, slightly disappointed that her hair wasn't nearly as bushy as I expected. This version of Hermione was unpredictable and I did not fancy having a flock of birds set on me.

"So, Professor Slughorn's party is coming up. Sounds like it will be fun," I finally managed.

Hermione paused writing and inspected me, looking suspiciously like someone about to pelt me with birds. That was probably my imagination.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Petr- Petrice...Somerville," I blurted. "Fifth year Ravenclaw."

"So you know Luna?" she asked.

"Oh yes, I'm a big fan...that is to say...she's a good friend."

She continued to scrutinize me, as if I was a puzzle she was trying to sort out. "Well, I'm flattered Petrice but I'm afraid I'll have to decline your invitation."

"My what?"

"You weren't going to ask me to Slughorn's party?" she asked, suddenly embarrassed.

Fucking great Petri, I mused, this girl is already teetering on the edge. You're meant to be pulling her back, not pushing her over. Time to focus.

"I wanted to warn you," I began, doing my best to sound as sincere as possible. "I overheard Cormac McClaggen talking about asking you."

I fought the urge to vomit at Hermione's pleased expression. Sixth-year Hermione was an idiot. Time to continue with the bullshit for her own good.

"He said something about how desperate you were and how fun it would be to play with a muggle-born for an evening."

At the news, her smile dimmed slightly, but I could leave nothing to chance. Sixth year Hermione could not be trusted to be rational. Everything I had said so far was a lie but now it was time for the super-duper lie

"Except he didn't say muggle-born. He said...the other word. The mud word."

Much better. She now looked angry enough to set the birds on the bellend.

"Anyway, I just wanted to warn you before you made a really stupid decision," I offered.

She gave me a sad smile. "Thank you, Petrice."

"No problem," I replied, "and my friends call me Petri."

I did my best not to be annoyed at her reaction to my nickname. Petri was a fine name and sixth-year Hermione was an idiot.

I needed to focus. The job was not done and I needed to focus.

"Anyway, I figured you were too smart to waste such a potentially fun evening with someone like that, but I just wanted to make sure. I'm sure you and Harry Potter are already coordinating your outfits for the party."

She suddenly looked embarrassed again. "Harry is just a friend," she muttered, right on cue.

"Oh, I know that," I replied, fighting the urge to scowl, "but you're such good friends...and you both seem so stressed lately. The party seems like a perfect way to unwind and forget about your problems for one evening. You know...just relax and have a night off with your best friend."

She chewed on her bottom lip as she considered my words and it was all I could do not to laugh. Turns out all those fanfic writers had gotten it right.

"That's actually a really good idea," she replied, "thank you, Petri."

"No problem," I answered as I stood to leave. "Just promise me you'll try the fruity drinks. I hear they're quite good."

A/N: My other potential title for this was Petrificus Somewhatus and the Glorious Self Promotion but I thought it would give too much of the plot away. :)