Trying

I ran my fingers over her cheek, tucking the stray curl behind her ear.

This was the hardest part of my day. Taking her from the peace she had found in her dreams. Hurling her into various degrees of disassociation and misery.

I knew today would be no different.

She wouldn't wake up and suddenly find that her former way of thinking and living had been renewed. But there was the possibility that maybe there would be progress.

Her eyes fluttered open slowly, fixing on mine.

She sighed heavily, but remained unmoving.

"Good morning" I told her softly, lying down to face her, aligning her eyes with mine.

She needed to get up. She needed to shower and get dressed and pack lunch. It was once such a simple checklist.

They were things she never saw as chores before, but now they were a struggle for her to complete.

But I also knew that these tasks, eight months ago, had been completely impossible for her.

So, I knew progress was possible. I'd seen it.

I leaned into her, pressing my brow to hers.

"Deep breath." I whispered softly.

She nodded into me and followed my lead.

She sucked back a shaky breath that she was clearly struggling to steady, and we continued on like that, until the tension, that was so thick in the air around us, thinned.

"You can do this Bella" I told her firmly, just as I did every morning.

She rolled out of bed, and I watched her walk across the room, baring every inch of her body to me without a second thought.

I doubt she knew how incredibly beautiful she was. How seductive and alluring she was without ever once attempting to be.

I couldn't help but laugh when she called herself plain, as though she was something ordinary and common.

I'd been alive one hundred years and never once met a single person similar to her.

"Breakfast?" I questioned as I walked behind her into the kitchen.

"I'll pass" she said casually with no serious thought.

I raised my brow and kept my eyes on hers, as she put her bag on the table and dropped her shoes to the floor.

She froze, feeling my gaze on her.

She rolled her eyes.

"I guess I'll have toast." She conceded with a clear annoyance in her tone.

I made her breakfast and sat across from her, pretending not to watch as she slowly picked at the food in front of her. As I did through most of her meals.

I hadn't brought it up, but we both knew that she had lost far too much weight.

She flicked through her science textbook while I used the free time to reply to a text message from Alice and another from Carlisle.

"Seeing Jacob tomorrow?" I questioned, hoping to spark some interest in her. It didn't work, her emotionless expression never faltered, even for a second.

She shrugged.

"I guess"

There was no enthusiasm in her tone and her eyes never left the page she was reading.

She saw Jacob most Friday afternoons, without any interference from me.

Bella had isolated herself from everyone, that made it hard to stand in the way of her visiting one of the few people that she still tolerated.

But recently, I could tell, that even seeing her best friend, had become a chore that she simply didn't have the energy for.

I checked my watch. She noticed.

She looked up at me from her book, and I could see it in her eyes. The pleading gaze of someone who desperately wants to give up.

If she had it her way, she would crawl back into bed and stay there all day.

"You can do this Bella".

She accepted defeat quickly. Not because she agreed. She just couldn't be bothered arguing with me.

Oddly enough, I missed arguing with Bella.

I missed her stubbornness, her determination, I even missed the way she would glare at me whenever she found me particularly annoying.

I think I'd prefer anything to this passive silence.

"How is she?" Alice asked, taking the opportunity while she had it, now that we no longer had a seemingly endless amount of time to converse.

"Bella's-"

"Dear god, Edward! Don't say she's fine" Alice snapped quietly under her breath.

I smiled and looked at Bella walking through the lunchroom, heading to her next class, dodging everyone around her.

"She's tired." I regretfully told her. Alice, like most, wanted good news from me. They wanted me to offer them some light at the end of the tunnel. But one wasn't in sight. Not yet anyway.

Alice expression softened as she nodded and looked back to Bella, watching her leave, head down, arms closed around herself.

It was third period.

I stood outside of our next class waiting for her to arrive, before heading in.

I knew she was nearby. But it wasn't just her scent that alerted me. I could hear the ignorant thoughts of the people who had once called themselves her friends.

She's so boring now.

She just wants attention.

Why can't she get over it.

Why can't she snap out of it.

He'll get tired of this soon and leave her.

I couldn't help but glare at them as they passed.

Some days were simply harder than others.

I knew that there were people who believed that Bella was simply taking the death of her father hard. That her grief was crushing her. And maybe, to a certain extent that was true, his death had set all of this into motion. But it had always been there, lingering beneath the surface.

Some nights when she lay safely in my arms, my mind would race through the signs i'd missed. Things she'd done and words she spoken. Because this wasn't something new and it shouldn't have been unexpected.

I often wondered if Charlie hadn't died, would something else have triggered it.

As she turned the corner, I searched her over and could see that she looked worse than she had this morning. The fact that she hadn't cowered, showed me that she was trying to fight the beast inside of her. But the battle was draining.

My mind drifted back, to when I first started growing concerned for Bella. I was reminded, as I often was, to what Carlisle had said.

"You need to accept, that some days, you will need to leave her with it. Either that, or sit with her in it."

Leaving her was not an option.

I had stayed with her, in her bed, in her dark pit of despair, until the cloud had lifted. Until it wasn't suffocating her anymore.

Those days were a blur to me. Weeks on end of absolutely nothing.

At the time, I could never imagine things getting better, but now those memories were proof of her strength.

So, when she reached me and said, "I can't do this".

I didn't fight her on it. Not today. No, today I would sit with her in it.

"Ok. Let's go home." I told her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and leading her toward the exit.

"Maybe we should go out on Saturday." I asked as I ran my fingers up her spine, to where her mess of curls spread over her back and onto the pillow.

I admired the the dark contrast of her black hair over her milky skin, it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

She didn't look excited by the question, but she also hadn't cringed at the idea of it. Even if she turned me down, I'd still see it as progress.

"The movies maybe? Something simple" I offered, watching her face closely for even the slightest signs of discomfort.

With her eyes closed, she smiled slightly. "Yeah. Because I did so well today" she told me with a laugh. There wasn't any amusement in the sound, but still the sarcasm was welcomed.

"I think you did great today." I told her without a single shred of doubt.

She opened her eyes, her stare questioning my sincerity.

"You're doing fine Bella." I assured her.

I watched as her face fell, her eyes growing sad and distant. It was a sight I'd seen often. If we were anywhere else in the world, she would dismiss me if I asked her why.

But not here, not in this room, not in this bed.

"What is it?" I asked, while still trailing my fingers over her bare back

"Aren't you getting tired of this?" She said weakly, her voice breaking as though it pained her to ask the question.

My fingers stilled.

"Of what?"

"Of me." She added that same pain still evident in her tone.

I leaned up on my elbow and frowned at her. "What brought that on?"

Her eyes dropped from mine.

"Nothing. Its just-…" she couldn't finish. She didn't know how. But she hadn't needed to.

"I can hear their thoughts, Bella." I reminded her. "Jessica?" I guessed, knowing that Jessica often felt the need to gossip and spread her ignorance.Never caring who was in earshot.

"She said you'll leave me again. I heard her." Bella admitted, fidgeting with the sheet on the bed. Twisting it between her fingers.

"Yes, well. She's wrong" I promised her as I continued running my fingers over her shoulder again, hoping to soothe away her fears.

"It's hard being around me. I know. I'd understand if you thought about it." She told me, testing the waters, to see if there was any truth behind their words. Even if only a little.

And I couldn't blame her, I had left. This was the price for that.

"If the roles were reversed, would you leave?"

Her brow creased and her chin shook. "Of course not." She breathed out.

I smiled and laid back down, moving close to her than was necessary.

"Have a bit of faith in me my love". I requested lightly, leaning forward to leave a trail of kisses over her shoulder. "I love you. I'm here"

She hummed in approval and smiled softly.

"A movie sounds good. Maybe even… maybe a walk too. Along the the harbour."

There was no fear in her voice. No reluctance. She almost sounded determined. Stronger.

"It's a date."

She surprised me the next morning by getting out of bed without any assistance from me. There was a lightness in her step that I hadn't seen in weeks.

Every so often she had good days, and all I can do is hope that they came more frequently, until they outweighed the bad.

It was a day that had promise and it had offered the bit of hope that we needed, it was something we could store away for when the dark cloud returned.

She had come home only to change and get her truck. She had passed me on her way out, finding me on the couch. She had leaned down, taking my face in her small soft hands, before kissing me.

I was sure then, that my heart would fail, had it still been of any use to me"

It was hard watching her leave. It always had been. But who was I to tell her who she could spend her time with. I had to accept that they had a bond, a bond that I had forced with my absence.

So, I hadn't stopped her.

But as the afternoon dragged on, I started to wish I had.

She was usually back by seven and now it was going on for eight.

I turned the TV off and went to the window, pulling it open, in the hopes to hear her truck heading back. Even without my exceptional hearing, I would still be able to hear the roar of her old thing making its way through forks. But there was nothing.

I paced through the living room, unsure of what to do.

She'd come home soon and laugh at my concern. She'd tell me I'm ridiculous and that I needed to relax, that I was far too overprotective.

And of course she would be right. This wasn't the first time she was late.

So, I would relax, and I would sit back down. I would give her space to be with her friend.

Just as soon as I called to check up on her, I decided as I pulled my phone from my pocket.

I dialled her number and listened to the phone ring, again and again.

But nothing.

I texted her, asking her if everything was ok.

But nothing.

I rang. I texted. I rang. I texted. But the minutes passed with nothing but silence.

Finally, the phone vibrated in my hand.

But it wasn't Bella, it was Carlisle.

"Edward?"

I could hear it in his voice, in the way he said my name.

Whatever it was, it was bad.

I was already halfway out the door before I'd even replied, keys in hand. My mind racing with the endless possibilities.

"What happened to her!"