TO MY READERS: This chapter is a bit long and a bit of a summary of both 'Luminescence' and 'Luminescence: Dark Before Dawn'. Struggled to keep Iggy in character through this whole story but I keep reminding myself he is married now and will change just a bit. I think this chapter is important to remind us of where they started, what they've been through, and how they are resolving to move forward. Sappy stuff is almost over with. Hang in there!
She had fallen asleep along the route. Steep emotions did take an enormous toll on the physical body, he supposed. Regardless, he didn't mind. She was right where he wanted her to be: under his arm, head nestled in the crook of his neck, hand in his, comfortable, safe, and very much his. He rested his cheek on her scalp as they rode along the trail, feeling slightly sleepy himself. So much had happened, and it all had happened so quickly.
He closed his eyes. It had been a while. With traveling, translating, researching, hunting, and spending time with Caela, he hadn't had meaningful time with her in a while. It felt like ages since they simply had time to talk and share their innermost thoughts. It was most likely the reason that things between them had gone uncharacteristically awry. He had been a fool to not notice what was happening. It was time to remedy everything.
"She your girlfriend?"
Ignis opened his right eye, landing his vision on the flashlight bobbing to his left in the truck bed. "Wife."
The hunter chuckled good-naturedly. "Lucky bastard. She's a pretty one."
He smiled. "You have no idea."
The man enjoyed the irony of a blind man feeling he could appreciate a beautiful woman more than a sighted one. He chuckled as he took a swig from his bottle. "That so?"
Ignis tapped the side of his face. "I wasn't always blind."
"Oh, now I see."
"But it wouldn't have made a difference if I had been. Even a blind man can tell she's a muse."
He offered Ignis a drink of what was in his hand with a grin, but Ignis held up his hand to refuse politely. "Where you two headed?"
He smiled faintly. "To chart our sunrise."
He laughed. "Damn, you're a poet, too?"
Ignis' smile turned into a full grin at his own cleverness for a moment. And then Aleya groaned slightly and nudged closer to him, disturbed from her sleep. She ended up resting with her nose and lips grazing the flesh of his throat as they bounced along the road. The arm cradling her neck bent a bit more so that he could put a hand to her forehead to steady her.
The man chuckled again as he watched. "Real lucky bastard." He took another drink. "And me…I'm headed to Hammerhead. Heard they could use a little more help these days. Them monsters are oozing out of the capital. Never have seen the likes of it."
"Perhaps the true monster lurks within," Ignis mused darkly.
He nodded. "Yeah. I've heard the rumors. Some Glaive go in, and they don't come out. The ones that do draw straws to see who's gonna risk their necks on the next run. Nobody wants to go back, even the bravest of the lot. One of 'em said he watched his buddy turn into one of them things before he lit out."
"The Starscourge was never so swift. Someone is urging it along. Or rather, some thing. No man, no matter how twisted, could be capable of such sin. Any man who could is no man at all."
"The top one, you think?"
"Indeed." There was a particularly hard bump, and Ignis clutched her forehead tighter, hoping she hadn't woken. She merely stretched her arm across him and continued to sleep.
"Must be hard for you two. A blind man and a delicate girl like that? Why aren't you two in Lestallum?"
Ignis didn't bother telling him that they had come from there before they picked him up on the side of the road. Besides, they didn't technically reside there, yet. They were technically homeless, as the Behemoth had destroyed the only home they had ever had together. Unless, of course, he had counted the months of him using her apartment to sleep, though he never figured those times counted as their relationship certainly never counted as cohabitation back then. "Oh, we get by. We spend our times of rest in safe havens, and avoid the worst as we travel about."
They rode along in silence for a while. Ignis affectionately pulled the long hair that had been blowing about away from her face.
"I don't know. Maybe we should just accept life as it is. It's been what? Six years now?"
He paused as he thought about it. Had it truly been that long? He thought for a while, making mental notes of important dates and events. Yes, it had. Nearly six years, and still no sign of the King's return, or the promised sunrise. "You mustn't give up hope," he answered, softly. "I've seen it happen so many times; If you lose hope, if you yield to the darkness—then you are much closer to becoming a true monster." He tilted his head slightly. "You must never lose the light of your soul. The sun will rise again. I'm certain of it."
The man peered at him thoughtfully. "And you? You're still hanging on to the light, are you?"
"Of course I am," Ignis said with a satisfied and wry smile. "I have all the light I need."
He laughed loudly, causing Ignis to put a finger to his lips in alarm. He didn't want him waking her. The hunter took another swig of his drink. "Damn you. You really are a lucky bastard."
Between sleep and awake is generally where Ignis felt the most peace. He was too drowsy to think circles around his own head, but alert enough to revel in the comfort of feeling his own body entirely relaxed. No matter the accommodations, with both his mind and body rested, he felt no need to fight or strategize. He could just enjoy the calm and quiet.
He felt a soft movement against his right arm, accompanied by a slight thump against his shin. He stirred, a bit more aware of his surroundings, taking in all the sensations surrounding him: the crisp air, the stiff rock beneath him, the smell of the cooling cinders from the campfire, a light mist of vapor descending down into a thick dew. On his arm, a soothing weight. Under his other, the curve of warm skin. He smiled to himself as his wife snuggled in closer, putting her forehead to his chest, curling her hand between them.
She wasn't awake, not just yet. He could tell by the rhythm of her breath, the steady rise and fall of her side under his hand.
Beautiful.
He hadn't seen her with physical eyes in years. But based on his memories of her, he could construct what she must look like, huddled to his body to stay warm. Long eyelashes, relaxed expression, slightly parted lips, that long honey-colored hair he had always loved. Small hands and small frame. Just the way she had looked those years ago when she sought shelter from a madman in his apartment.
He remembered it well. He had returned to his apartment in the pre-dawn hours, simply to see if she was well. He had loaned her his home as safe haven, but even there, he felt uneasy regarding her safety. He hadn't been able to sleep at Noct's. Leaving in the middle of the night to retrieve a change of clothes for her; Changing his mind and buying her new ones. He just wanted to do something—anything—for her. Rushing back to the Citadel at a mad pace, sliding in silently to his apartment in the hopes of leaving the things she needed by the bed to find when she woke…and standing in awe, transfixed at her beauty. The walls of his apartment were glass—able to see out but no one else able to see in. In the glow of the moonlight and the city lights below, there she was. She hadn't a thing to change into when she arrived, so he had loaned her his own clothes. They were ridiculously long on her, making her look even smaller than usual. Her hair was a bit of a mess. But she took his breath away in that pale glow. He had simply stared, determined to memorize every single detail. There she had lain, curled in his clothes, resting in his bed, covered with his satin sheets that draped over that feminine frame. She smelled of his soap, and she had her lovely face nestled into his pillow. He remembered his heart beating wildly, feeling as if she belonged there. It was as if his home, his bed, his things should have always belonged to her. She seemed an exquisite and delicate painting or sculpture of some kind, and the apartment had been built around her to complement her beauty. There he had stood, one hand holding the bag, the other hanging at his collar, simply staring. His eyes had followed along her lines and curves more than once, determined to never forget what he saw.
And he never did. He could see her now, clear as day. He had spent a long time with her, most of the last year before he left for Altissia was spent trying to capture every moment possible that would enable him to study her features. He studied her as he would have any work of art, or serious subject matter. While she worked away on something important, he would stare with purposeful intent. But, his eyes would go soft, and he couldn't help but smile. There she was in his memory, sitting in the floor of the library in a semi-circle of books and research papers. Her knees would be tucked under her if she was skirted, or cross-legged if not. There she was at her small desk only feet away from his, tying back her lovely hair and kicking off her shoes, settling in for a long night of research. There she was at the study table, and they both leaned over the same book, their foreheads nearly touching.
The memories came more swiftly as he held her, as he became fully awake. Her eyes glancing up at him as he delivered his presentation, and him stammering slightly from the sight of them. Wearing his jacket when she forgot her umbrella, laughing over a table while drinking coffee, stretching for a book beyond her reach, chewing the tip of a pen while in deep thought, sleeping on his shoulder, standing next to him at the barbeque, reading a map next to a campfire, hiding behind him while Noct pretended to hand her a frog, the bruises and cut lips during training, the tears and anger at enduring malicious gossip, that dress-oh, that amazing white dress that clung to her curves so delicately, and the beautiful blush as he helped her with her gloves, the ballroom—how she felt in his arms and the way his heart raced, the game nights with he and the boys, the sweet smiles, the thoughtful expressions, her standing in her pajamas and boots in the headlights of his car as she delivered to him a sullen Prince. There was heartbreak, illness, injury, forgiveness. There was the kiss—the thrilling mistake that landed just at the corner of his mouth. There were the qualities of kindness, courage, stubborn resolve, vulnerability, optimism, resilience, and humility. She was giving and sought to please. All these things were etched in his memory; Engraved in his heart.
He had felt her intriguing from the moment his eyes landed on her, and sought her out in the curiosity to learn more. But she won his respect first, and his adoration swiftly afterwards. She was from that moment his goddess. He worshipped the very ground she tread upon.
And, in his stupidity, he could have lost her. Did he never learn? Those words almost spoken—That they should be apart for a while; The words that were fully spoken—That she felt he didn't need her, that he regretted her, or maybe even hated her. And to settle the matter, he had done what? He had forced her! He had used physical force to keep her with him. He forced her to yield to his affection and his passionate desperation. Forgiving woman that she was, it had turned out well. But he inwardly cursed himself for doing something so reprehensible to the woman he cherished. And it certainly didn't change the fact that he had almost lost her.
What was worse, she felt it was for his sake! Hurting so badly, and yet willing to let him go, to benefit him. After he had been so foolish as to procrastinate, postpone, distract, divert, over and over again… Even if it had been with the best of intentions for her well-being, it had done her harm. It wouldn't happen anymore. He was going to walk the tightrope between her concerns and Noct's. He was going to find the perfect balance, to care for and protect both. No more would anything be taken from her.
"As the ocean meets the sky and becomes one, inseparable, so we are." He whispered the words, remembering the last time he had heard them—from her own lips, spilled upon him in the intimacy of their wedding night. He had sworn so much to her then; So much to himself. He knew he had failed. But he knew now he could never fail her again. He wouldn't chance losing her, and he certainly could never harm her.
"Hmm?" He could feel the flutter of her eyelashes, and the flex of her fingers between their torsos. He trailed his hand up her arm when he realized she was waking.
"My Only," he murmured, running a hand through her hair. Yes, his only. He had had no use for women. They were a distraction he couldn't afford. But no man could ever have resisted Aleya. He was keenly aware of his luck. She had been his first, and he would have no other.
She stirred and stretched slightly. "Igs."
He smiled at her and kissed her forehead. "Good morning."
She ran a hand over him and snugged herself up to him, holding him close. "Morning."
"Did you rest well?"
"Better than I have in months."
He wasn't sure how to reply. It was good she had rested, but unfortunate he might have been the cause of long sleepless nights. Fortunately, Aleya spoke first. She shivered and moved in closer to him. "Aren't you cold?"
"No." He had recently learned he could regulate his temperature with is new abilities. "Are you?"
"A little." She snuggled in. "You're so warm."
He hugged her up tighter, running hands along her body to warm her. They lay there a while, deliciously drowsy, enjoying being wrapped up together under a single jacket in the dark.
"Do you think we should go back? To Wiz and Caela?"
"No. We'll return in short order. Right now, it's only you and I." If she loved even half as much about him as he did about her, how could she have thought of letting him go? For he knew she loved him, with all her heart.
"Ignis?"
"Hmm?"
"Thank you."
He ran a hand over her face and hair. "For what, My Girl?"
"For not letting me throw you away. For bringing me here to clear my head. I don't know why you try so hard, but I'm so grateful. Thank you for forgiving me, too."
"I told you. There's nothing to forgive."
"I wasn't thinking things through. I was so upset." She paused. Her voice changed to a mournful note. "I'm still upset."
"We always will be. It will never go away. But we'll take comfort in each other, hmm?"
She nodded against his chest. "I made such a scene."
He rolled over and edged down so that he could kiss her. Grasping both of her hands, pinning her under him, he put his mouth against hers. He nuzzled at her as he murmured in her ear. "I made quite a scene myself."
"I remember."
"We could pick up where we left off, if you're feeling up to it?"
In willing response, she lifted her head and met him in another kiss. Things began to escalate quickly... And then she gave a sharp breath. "Ignis?"
He grunted an acknowledgement as he pressed his face into her neck.
"I have a rock in my back."
"Oh." He rolled over quickly and sat up. "Oh! I'm so sorry. Are you alright? It's not the Quay Cradle, that's for certain."
She gave a soft chuckle for a moment, crossing her arms and shivering in the dew-heavy air. "I've never slept on rock before; Not without a sleeping bag or something. I'm feeling places I never knew I had."
"I suppose I wasn't thinking clearly," he replied, reaching for his jacket to wrap her in it. "Else, I would have at least procured some provisions before we departed."
She groaned slightly as she stretched her back. "It's okay. It was a very romantic gesture."
He considered her thoughtfully for a moment before taking her hand. "Come. I want to show you something."
She stood up with him. "Where are we going?"
He pulled her along until they neared the edge of the havenrock, and at that point, he moved behind her and covered her eyes with his hands. "Here we are."
She grazed her fingertips along his hand. "When can I open my eyes?" There was mirth in her voice, and he reveled in it. Only a day ago, he feared she would never be happy again.
"Impatient, you are. Very well. You can open them now." He lifted his hands away.
She squinted in the dark. There wasn't much to see. She could scarcely see the few yards in front of their faces. She could make out the glow of a few demons wandering about in the night, well away from the haven. She could tell that they stood on an elevated over the road and the below valley, but that was about it. "I don't see anything," she said, shivering again in the breeze.
"Of course not," he told her, wrapping both arms around her from behind, melting her into his skin. "For the world is dark, and nearly unbearable. However, trust me when I tell you the sun will rise. Standing here, you can almost see it now, rising over the valley, lighting the trees with fire and the grass to gold." He smiled and kissed her cheek before wrapping her up in his arms, again. "And when the sun does rise, I will be standing here with you. We'll watch the spectacle together." He clenched his hand in hers. "I promise."
"Ignis…" A tear fell to his wrist swiftly.
"On these expeditions I undertake, I'm not focused solely on Noct. I so desperately want to bring light back to your world. I want to raise our family in the sunshine. I want you to bask in their rays without a care in the world. Saving Eos means nothing to me, unless I have you in it. I can't live in peace until I know you're blissfully happy." He kissed her again. "There are so many conversations I overhear, of what people miss and are most looking forward to when daylight returns. All I want, My Girl, is to see you smile. I want to see you happy. That's all I require in the New World."
She reached up and touched his face, his wounded eye. Perhaps she thought of his blindness and that he might not get to enjoy the return of day like others. Perhaps she thought of the price he had already paid to secure the future. "But Igs, I'm already happy."
He smiled contentedly, and rested his mouth on her shoulder. "Then for me, the dawn has already broken."
After a breakfast of whatever Ignis could find to skewer, they just sat and talked for a while. They felt like old friends finally reunited after an extended absence. It had been such a long time since they had nothing better to do than to enjoy each other's company. They learned things about the events over the last two years they had never known before. For example, Ignis informed Aleya he once had to turn into a card shark at the hunter's camp to procure more items, or how Aleya had figured out to generate water and heat for the garden around the ranch. Ignis had her help him brush up on ancient Lucian, and she requested that he teach her how to make a shrimp paella when they returned. She had a new scar on her forearm that he hadn't noticed before—a wild chocobo had taken a nip at her. They discussed where Ignis might find new glasses, and she insisted on him styling his hair and obtaining new garments to match his new role and persona. She declared he must look assertive, self-assured, a bit belligerent, and even a touch dangerous. He had always been a polymath, but now he seemed to command proper attention. Aleya was sure when they returned to Lestallum, everyone would finally start giving him due respect. "You're going to be the Right Hand of the King of the World," she told him, as if it were some sort of official title. "Time to take the role head-on."
He smiled at her as he munched on the last of the kabob. "And how would you like to be known?" Ignis handed her his very rare and very precious can of Ebony. "What role would you like to play?"
"I haven't really thought about it." She took a swig of his coffee and handed it back. "Now that I do, it's a bit terrifying. I'm the wife of the one of the most powerful men on Eos."
" 'One of them'?" He echoed.
She grinned at him. "Okay, the most powerful man on Eos."
"That's better." He tossed the skewer aside and rested back on his elbow. "You know what they say about who is behind every strong man."
"I don't know about that. As far as I'm concerned, I just want to be useful. Honestly. I don't need to dress up or be announced. I'd rather avoid it as much as possible. I just want to help. If you are even a bit more successful because of me, and if I could help Noct a bit, too….that's where I want to be. I don't like sitting idle, and I don't want to stand in the limelight."
Yes, she had very recently said she thought he didn't need her anymore. He thought back to the long nights in Insomnia, where they stayed awake until dawn to make a report easier for Noct to digest, or to prepare a presentation, or simply to rapidly catch up with current events to be prepared for the next day. He had always felt guilty for keeping her out late, but looking back, that's where she appeared to thrive. She loved to dive head-first into an arduous project. She liked planning and organizing, even when things were chaotic to manage. He had tried to take it easier on her, but she didn't want ease. She wanted to help—specifically, she wanted to help him.
He reached over and took her hand. "What do you think? Would you like to go back to your former role?"
She thought for a moment. "It depends. In my former role, I was a Claren. Do I get to keep the last name?"
He chuckled. "But of course."
"Then I'll take the job!" She cried excitedly. She flung her arms around him.
"Are you certain? Things will only grow more difficult. In addition, you're rearing our daughter."
"Please. How long have you known me? I love pressure. I get depressed if I sit around and sleep all day."
He raised an eyebrow. "I've never known you to sleep all day…"
"It's an analogy. Oh, Iggy! Are you sure? Can I work with you again? Can we be a team?"
"We've always been a team," he protested.
"No, I mean back to boss and secretary."
He squeezed her knee. "Partners, darling. I've never thought of you as a secretary."
She ruffled his hair slightly. "Partners? Scientia and Scientia. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
He chuckled. "A bit of a mouthful."
"It's perfect."
"If you say so."
"When do I start?" She brushed his hair back into place and swept at his temple affectionately.
He took the last sip of his Ebony and set it aside. He sat across from her. "First thing's first. If you're going to work with me, you'll need to learn a few trade secrets."
"How exciting!" She hadn't been this happy in quite some time. It was as if she had suddenly forgotten about all the miserable things that had happened to her lately. Ignis was pleased. He had hoped that if he could simply get her to herself, she would have time to clear her mind and understand his feelings for her. He supposed it must be working. "I'm taking mental notes. Go for it, boss."
He tossed her a sideways smile. It had been a long time since she had called him that. "I'd like to show you something." When he was sure he had her rapt attention, he slowly extended his right hand, palm to the sky, fingers curled as if he were holding an orb. Then he promptly ignited a fire in his palm. It danced off of his skin and stretched up into the dark.
She literally jolted, startled. She had seen a glimpse of such things when he was in a rage, but she had never seen him summon such a power when he was perfectly calm. "Igs. How—How are you doing that? You can control it, now?"
He kept the flame alight, flexing his fingers, watching the faint flickers in his otherwise dark canvas of vision. The flame wavered with his movements, but only extinguished when he closed his hand. His expression was smug. "You were right. I am the descendant of the Infernian."
"What?! We were right?"
He noticed she had changed 'you' to 'we'. It was just like her, and he adored her for it. "I found out very recently. The King of Lucis did take in the god's lover, protecting the child from any human danger. As to the gods, he bartered a portion of the child's power for his life." He snapped his fingers and produced another flame, rolling from his index finger and thumb. "In return, the Scientia household swore to always serve the royal house. I find a fascination at the timing of its manifestation. It is as if it lay dormant until it was most needed."
"You never knew?"
"Not even a hint. However, it explains quite a bit. My affinity to magic, for example. It's only second to Noct's. My ease with fire spells, as well. The special attacks I've honed, I've honed with fire. When I'm angry, I'm told I emit visible heat and flame—at least lately. The timing may explain how I was able to survive the altar in Altissia. In fact, had I known who I was, I might not ever have had to touch the ancient King's power, or summoned the crystal. Perhaps I could have defended Noct without losing my eyes." He reached out and touched her cheek with his cool left hand. "Maybe I could have seen you, and you wouldn't have had such a burden upon my return."
"Ignis. You can't—"
"I know, I can't go back. I can only move onward." He danced the flame over the back of his wrist before finally extinguishing it. "Still, I can't help regretting not knowing sooner. Things may have turned out so entirely differently that day."
She paused for a while. "You never told me much about it."
His face fell. "Right." He thought for a moment. "There's not much to say. Ardyn threatened Noct's life. I was running out of options, and the ring lay before me, ripe for the taking. I knew—I knew I would most likely perish. Do you recall Libertus' story of Nyx Ulric? Remember he reported that he donned the ring, and it gave him the power to protect Lady Lunafreya in the mayhem, enabling her escape."
"I remember." Her voice sounded sad. She well remembered they had never found his body, and he was declared dead.
His head raised. "I'm sorry. I forgot he was your friend." There was a time he had thought Aleya had feelings for the man, but that was mostly bred from jealousy, when Nyx danced with her at the Founder's Day Festival, stealing her from right under Ignis' nose. "We also knew of the Glaive Luche Lazarus, who burned to ashes. And only a few minutes prior to my decision, I had learned that Lord Ravus—whose blood I thought far loftier than mine, by divine right—lost an arm in the attempt to don it. So I knew my mortality was most likely sealed. I didn't really care. In that moment, Noct was all that mattered. I would have gladly died to protect him."
She took a long breath, gazing into the campfire. She was still and quiet. She reached for his hand and held it in her lap, though not looking at him.
"It was instinct, Leya. I didn't have a lot of time to think."
"I understand." She still didn't turn to him.
He moved closer to her. "I should continue my story. To my surprise, I was given another option. When I met with the Kings of Lucis, I was told a price must be paid; I had no idea they didn't mean mine, at least not at first. They gave me options of sacrificing others. None of the options were viable, but one in particular…" He took her chin in his palm and turned her head to face him. "Nearly broke me apart."
She reached up and took his arm in her hands, and when he released her chin, she continued to hold his hand tightly in both of her own.
"Perhaps the cruelest thing they could have done, for even though I gave the suggestion an immediate dismissal, they reminded me of how much you mean to me; I was reminded that you were awaiting my return in Lestallum. I refused their options and demanded that if anyone was to be sacrificed, it would be myself. In that split second, I realized I'd most likely never see you again. I'd never return, and I wondered how you would take it. I'd never have the chance to court you, marry you, or grow old with you. I wouldn't be able to carry out any of those plans I had sworn in my heart to fulfill. Still, I made that choice. I had no other option, Leya."
She had always had the nervous habit of wringing her knuckles together, but as her hands were occupied, she took to wringing his.
"I suppose they felt I could still be useful in some way, and so they hesitated to take my life. Instead, they took my eyes as punishment. I couldn't even think of the loss until I woke some days later. First, I ensured that Noct was alive and well, and then my thoughts immediately leapt to you. That the woman I loved—I'd nevermore lay eyes upon her."
"Oh, Ignis." She got to her knees and leaned over to embrace him. She patted his back comfortingly.
"I found it hard to tell you."
She continued to pat his back. "You were blind when I called, weren't you?"
He hesitated. "Yes."
He thought she would be perturbed that he hadn't told her the truth that day; That he had glossed everything over and told her they were just fine. Instead, she smiled softly with sympathy.. "You're amazing. So heroic."
Those two words on her lips lit him with new emotion—somewhere among pride, heartbreak, and compassion, tinged with awe. He nearly shivered with joy when he heard it. It was what he had always striven for in their relationship. He had always wanted her to confide in him, to trust him implicitly, and feel as if she could count on him for anything. He wanted her to know she was his priority, and he wanted her to feel she needed him more than any other soul on Eos. He realized in those last two words that she truly did view him as a hero, and loved him. It sang to his heart.
"Oh, Leya!" He exclaimed, somewhere between a sigh and a soft moan. "You frightened me so much yesterday. After I had suffered so much, and to see you suffer so much the worse...so much that you actually wished to be rid of me! After all I've lost, I can't bear to lose you too! I'm not certain I'd live through another tragedy."
"I don't like hearing that," she answered, still caressing his hair gently. "Of course you'd survive!"
"Surviving and living is not the same thing. I'd survive for Caela and Noct. My body would remain whole. But my soul would die."
"I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I can't even remember all the things I said and I did. All I could really feel...All I can really remember is that I—I didn't want to live right then, myself." Realizing how he would take such a revelation of her innermost feelings, she quickly tried to mend it. "I said crazy things. Of course I don't want to leave you."
Ignis sat up thoughtfully, and took her face in his hands. He trailed his thumbs over her features, trying through touch to read her expression. His own face registered grief, mixed with a touch of fear. He well remembered her looking over the edge of the roof, and how he snatched her away from it. He had hoped he had been wrong about her intentions. This only proved he could have perhaps been correct. "You—wanted to die, My Girl?" His voice was unbearably sad.
"I…." She hesitated a long time. She wasn't sure how to respond in a way that wouldn't hurt him. "I don't know. But that's behind us, right? I'm not going anywhere."
He knew by her hesitation. His face blanched a bit. "Oh, gods. I really did nearly lose you forever, didn't I?!"
"No, Ignis. Don't read too much into…"
"And the fault was my own."
She drew back. "No! No, of course not!"
"If I had neglected you less... Perhaps you would have told me before I left with the Marshal. I would have stayed, had I known. Perhaps all of this could have been avoided, and I could have spared us both the pain. You felt you couldn't tell me because I was far too busy for you; And the fault lies entirely with myself."
She was shaking her head adamantly. "No! That's not true! You shouldn't blame yourself. You couldn't have known what I was thinking. I should have told you. And as to the Behemoth, as you said, it was a tragedy…." But even as she spoke, the memory of all that had happened came back to her, and she let out an involuntary sob. "An accident…."
He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly.
She was busy trying to collect herself, more for his sake than her own.
"Come." He gently turned her around and had her sit, her back resting against his chest. He took her hands in his and held them in her lap. "We can't go back. But going forward, you mustn't have any further concern. You felt I had grown tired of you, and that I no longer needed you, and even perhaps that I never loved you in the first place, and regretted my decision."
She shook her head again, quickly.
"Yes, you did. But I don't blame you. I've been a comprehensive ass. Today, and forever, you must know absolutely what you mean to me. There can be no further doubt. And once I tell you, you'll never question it again."
"Ignis…" She tried to move away, but he held closer, and she instantly yielded.
"I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you; Since we first collided in the library in Lestallum."
"No; You couldn't have."
"Oh, but I did. Though I didn't recognize it as attachment—attraction—at the time. I was determined to be serious in my responsibilities and omit all distractions. But we grew closer, and closer, and the relationship became pure agony for me. I wanted to be near you always, and when you were gone even for a moment, I grew nervous and distractable. I feared for you constantly. That's why I so often asked you to move to the Citadel, or to at least let me ferry you back and forth. When you trained in the Crownsguard—oh, and the motor vehicle accident—My Girl, I nearly died on the spot. You should have seen the state I was in, racing to find you. I was terrified. I was fighting my attraction to you every second, but when I thought you in danger or hurt, I nearly lost my mind. I was keenly aware in those moments I was losing my battle."
"I never knew."
He set his hands flat so she could interlace her fingers with his. "It wasn't just because I didn't want distraction. Part of the reason I fought so hard is because I realized if you married a man like me, you would be fearsomely wronged. I knew my duty to the King would call me away. I couldn't bear to see you neglected."
She fell silent and somber. She knew now that Ignis didn't like being away any more than she did. Therefore, the first point was effectively made—Contrary to her thought that he liked the excuse to be away from matrimony and parenthood, he felt regret, and wanted to be with them.
He moved on. "There was an evening by the campfire that I nearly lost control of myself, and I knew I couldn't shield my feelings any longer. Perhaps you know of what I'm referring?"
She shook her head.
He laughed ironically. "That holds no surprise. In any event, that night, I balanced and weighed all my options. I couldn't keep pretending you meant nothing to me. I either had to send you away, or pursue you. And My Leya, I could never—under any circumstances—bring myself to send you away. Furthermore, I thought of all the other options you might have, and decided no one would try so much to be so good to you as I. So, obviously, I was your best option."
She laughed. "Were you really?"
"You disagree?" He teased back. "What option would you have preferred?"
"Stop it!" But she rubbed the side of her face against his for a moment, and he knew he was winning her heart all over again. He began to relax a bit, feeling that things were going as he planned.
"I wanted to tell you. I could never find the appropriate time. Every moment I mustered up the courage, I would think that the timing wasn't deserving of you. Timing was crucial to better my chances." She laughed again at him, and he continued, "And things changed. Everything became hectic and scattered, and I hardly ever saw you. I felt my chances kept slipping away. I grew so frustrated, and Noct pried out of me why I was in such a foul mood. You'd be pleased to know he encouraged me to pursue you. I remember quite distinctly that he felt I should never serve him at the sacrifice of my happiness, and specifically, our relationship."
"Did he say that?"
"He did. I didn't feel I needed his blessing, but it certainly put wind in my sails to have it. He loved you too, Leya. Like the sibling he never had."
She again did not reply, and merely leaned back to put her head on his shoulder, thoughtfully.
"I decided it was best to tell you when we both had time and could think clearly, which was, I supposed, when Noct was wed and returned with his bride to Insomnia. I recall thinking cheerfully about it, that it was only a few more weeks. Even if you felt nothing for me, I was determined that I must win you over. I could not do without you."
She toyed with his knuckles.
"I should have told you sooner," Ignis admitted. "I know that; But I suffer from a terrible...a terrible lack of confidence in such matters."
That was true. Ignis had never been astoundingly romantic; He was more practical and direct. He had always tried, but never felt himself to be an adequate romantic partner.
"As you know," he continued, "things went terribly awry. I remember lying awake that night at the Quay, unable to sleep. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw you. I wanted to rush the Royal Wedding along so I could race back. Finally giving up the attempt at rest, I decided to go out and catch up on local events. That's when I saw the headlines. My gods, Aleya! Can you even begin to imagine how I felt?" His face grew pale and his skin puckered at the memory. "I left you in that garden, controlling my impulse to tell you how I felt, and now I thought…"
"Iggy, don't."
But he didn't heed her. He had never dared tell her what her supposed death had done to him. But she had told him only the day before that she thought he didn't need her and didn't want her. It was time to declare all truth. "I tried to call you so many times. Fifty, at least. There may have been more if my fingers weren't shaking so badly that I misdialed dozens of times more. I tried to get to you, but we were barricaded, with no way into the city. I truly thought the worst, but hung on to every scrap of hope I had. Over the next few days, I made inquiries to every Crownsguard employee left standing, to every refugee we ran into. It was the Marshal who finally assured me that there was no possibility you could have survived. There is no point in trying to describe such pain. I fancy we've felt something of it over the last two weeks." Then, thinking he might have hurt her by reminding her that they had lost their child, he wrapped her up tightly. "Are you alright?"
She nodded.
He waited a few moments to be certain that she was stable enough to continue, and then he went on. "I died that day, Aleya." He was embarassed by the admission, and quickly recovered. Before she could speak, he continued. "Oh, the exquisite and unexpected joy of finding you were alive! And the sheer misery I felt at the condition you were in, and learning of what you had survived! I didn't want to leave you, Leya. I never did."
"I understand now, Iggy, really. You don't have to..."
"Duty—it was duty that made me part with you, and then I lost my eyes. I couldn't tell you how I felt. I truly believed a blind man would only slow you down. Still, I selfishly clung to you. I couldn't let you go. And then, I saw what care you had for me, despite my disability. I remembered all you had done: it was you who pushed me forward, and set me on my path to recovery. You always had faith I could walk among sighted men with no hinderance at all. You did every possible thing you could do to aid me, at great cost to yourself. That's why I...I took the chance to kiss you that day. It—was extremely spontaneous and clumsy. Forgive me."
She smiled. "I was embarrassed, and the more I thought about it, I was mortified. But I enjoyed it."
He grinned. "Did you? I always wondered."
"I was glad Aranea walked in. I might have—well, we might have gotten carried away."
"Most likely." He nuzzled into her face. "But the seed was planted. Now that I had that taste of you, I wanted it all the more. I raged at Biggs and Wedge for no reason, and I sulked around Aranea. I wanted you, My Girl, and no amount of world-saving was going to cure such a malady. You can't imagine the agony you put me through when I returned, and you refused to see me. What got into that head of yours?"
"I already told you! I thought you stayed away so long because you didn't want to see me. I thought you regretted it."
"There you go doubting your self-worth again."
"What was I supposed to think? You didn't come back for months!"
"Quite right. You couldn't have known." His voice dropped to a mischievous and somewhat self-conscious mutter. "If I could only tell you the sort of dreams I had at night while we were apart—it would make your ancestors blush."
"You didn't!"
"Oh, but I did. I may be a gentleman, but I am a man. I can't control my subconscious. I craved you even more in sleep than I did when I was awake. That wasn't my fault. I wasn't ashamed of desiring you—I was only ashamed that it perhaps drowned out that I desired your heart more than your body."
She blushed furiously and squirmed a bit. "Can we change the subject?"
"No." He replied curtly, realizing he had spoken more of their relationship in the last five minutes than he had in the last five years. "I'm writing a novel, and you have to read it until the end."
She sighed and shook her head.
She had always been an innocent, humble and modest little creature. He loved that about her. "Leya, you have to understand something. I didn't ask you to marry me because I thought it was only fair to you. I didn't ask so I could finally have your body, as some have suggested. I asked because I wanted you to be by my side, always. I wasn't willing to wait. And when I said I wished Noct could have been there before we wed, I didn't mean that I wished we could postpone. I only meant I wished he could have been there. I wanted my brother with me."
"….I know. I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have…!"
"My Girl, we're like the gesko trees—they always grow in twos. And if one falls, it does irreparable damage to the other, and it soon dies as well. I don't want you to doubt anymore. You must never question your worth to me. Never again, do you understand?"
"But I don't. I don't understand."
He sighed in frustration. Why would he have thought it would be so easy? "What do you not understand?"
"Ignis, I'm not good enough for you."
"What are you saying?!" He exclaimed.
"No, I'm just a refugee from Galahd—"
Not this again! "Leya…." He began in frustration.
She would have none of his interruptions. "I listened to you! You listen to me!"
He went quiet immediately, humbled and obedient.
"I truly am. I scrubbed floors at the Citadel. I cleaned toilets, Ignis! I just happened to do a good job while one of my coworkers went out on maternity leave. That's how I worked my way up to hors d'oeuvres and important meetings."
"I'm aware."
"I came to your defense that day because—" She thought for a moment on how she might word it, and then blushed realizing she couldn't get out of it without lying to him. "—I already thought so much of you. I had known you a while, and that was long enough."
He smiled warmly and snuggled into her.
"But, that doesn't mean I ever thought for one moment of trying to win you over."
"Whyever not?"
"Because you are Ignis Scientia!" She explained, raising her voice. "How can you not understand? You were the personal retainer to the heir of the kingdom! You were brilliant!"
"Were? I still am. You have a distressing way of speaking in past tense in critical moments."
"Ignis!"
"I'm sorry, continue."
"You dressed like a fashion model."
He laughed.
"You did! And every girl you passed in the hallway would swoon and stare, and they were senator's daughters and court official's nieces…"
"Hags, all of them."
"No they weren't! They were beautiful, and rich, and powerful, and would you please stop interrupting me?!"
He gave a low laugh and kissed her again cheerfully.
"You lived in the Citadel, in a glass castle. I lived in the slums. And everyone hated me so much for being so near you. They made up rumors to try to force me out. It would have been bad enough if they had targeted me only, but they pulled you into it, too. I knew all about the Marshal pulling you in and questioning you. If even the Marshal believed it, it meant your association with me had thoroughly tainted your reputation." He went to open his mouth to deny it, but he remembered that she had demanded no further interruptions. He shut his mouth immediately. "And I completely screwed up the mission to capture Yore. That's when I decided to leave. It would have been better if I had."
He couldn't let that one pass. "No, it most certainly would not! Stop that at once! Again, the Yore mission was the Marshal's doing, not yours. I didn't regret going after you, but I did deserve discipline. And as for those nieces and daughters of officials, if it hadn't been you they targeted, they would have targeted someone else. I never thought any of them cared for me, and they most assuredly didn't. All those 'beautiful women', as you call them, were power-hungry, opportunistic wretches. Every single one. Had one of them attached herself to me, they would have become vehement towards her as well; I assure you."
"But it wasn't just the aristocracy. It was the servants, too. People I thought were on my level. I realized then how far below them I really was, and really Ignis, how could someone that low think they deserved someone like you? I never did. I still don't. We're nothing alike! I don't understand why you can be so attached to me." She went to cross her arms, but realized he was still holding her hands, so she settled on laying them back in her lap.
He dropped her hands. "That's strange; I have always thought we were rather alike. Do you think I would have settled for a woman I felt less than adequate? You know how particular I am. I demand perfection."
She rolled her eyes, but she had to admit that he indeed demand perfection. It was an annoying trait.
"Think about it. I already fought against giving my heart at all. Do you think I would have given it to someone who was insincere and simply wanted to wed into power? Do you think I would have married a girl who was beautiful, but cared nothing for my occupation? Or perhaps become a mother, but find herself far too self-important and concerned to care for her own? Leya, you are humble, and caring, and entirely self-sacrificing. You are beyond brilliant. You have pushed me were to stall, and supported me as no one else did."
"But..."
"Do you think," he continued, raising his voice over hers, "That I would have been fond of a woman who couldn't keep my intellect appeased? I don't think another woman in the world could have kept up with my mental gymnastics, and you even coached me on some subjects! You don't understand your physical appeal, either. Icing on a gourmet cake, I assure you. We are so perfect for each other that I grow so frustrated at you feeling that I think you beneath me. No, Leya, I've always thought myself unworthy of you."
"Of me?!"
"What other man scores an astoundingly attractive woman who is brilliant in every way, who is willing to wait on him hand and foot without complaint, who knows nothing of her own beauty? Who could marry someone so humble, and kind, and giving? I'm not inferring you don't have faults; You're so maddeningly independent at times, and no matter what I say, you refuse to believe I love you. You have no idea how embittering it can become." His voice was beginning to take an impatient and frustrated tone.
"I…I'm sorry…"
"And whether you'll admit it or not, you can fly into hysterics."
Her face soured.
"But I'd never change you, not one whit. What in Odin's name do I have to do to convince you?"
Suddenly, all his charming words and sweet expressions soured into frustration. But his ire, more so than his affection, made her truly understand he meant what he said. She turned slightly and put a hand to his chest. "I believe you."
He paused. "No more talk about me wanting to flee from you as quickly as possible; Of thinking my daughter is my only pleasure in life." A commanding tone, laced with a slight question.
"I-I promise."
He hesitated a moment more, considering, and then gave her a quick squeeze. He released her with a smile. "I'm relieved."
She chuckled to herself. "You realize we've both saying the other is smart. In reality, we've both been idiots."
That startled him for a moment, but then he suddenly laughed. "I suppose you're right. I'll admit it… but only this once."
They sat for several minutes, simply smiling. He toyed with her hair and she pondered over his fingers. Then, he again turned grave. "I'm so sorry for my actions in Lestallum, on the roof. I shouldn't have forced you. I should have thought of another way. I—I never thought I'd do something like that."
"I'm glad you did. I was going a bit insane. You could have slapped some sense into me, instead."
He remembered himself weighing his options and immediately dismissing the latter. Still, it horrified him to hear it come out of her mouth. "I'd never strike you, Leya."
She smiled softly. Typical Ignis, taking everything far too seriously. "No. It's just an expression. How could you not have heard that one, Mister Scientia?"
"That's why I partnered with you, my dear, to fill in the gaps. I never claimed to be a brilliant socialist. That's why I was so bad at dating."
"Oh, you were quite good at dating. I thought you were lying when you said you had no experience."
"I assure you I didn't."
"But you're so suave."
He considered for a moment, and a slow smile spread over his face. Smug as could be, he slid a hand over her stomach. "Am I?"
"Yep. You must have practiced on someone."
"I'm quite certain I've never practiced on anyone but you."
"So you're a natural romantic, too. We'll add that to your list of superhuman abilities. Let's not forget you're a demi-god. And you wonder why I'm so insecure."
"Ah, but you don't realize your own value…." He hesitated, thinking back to his conversation with the Glacian, wishing for all the world he could tell her. He finally settled on, "….Princess."
She gazed up at him in surprise. "That's a new one."
He continued with his affectionate caress, and she gave a stretch to acknowledge how comfortable she felt. "But it's the truth. How did the story go? You were named after Aleystina, I believe…"
"You remember that old story?" She smiled softly. At normal times, perhaps she would have laughed. But the melancholy of the not-so-distant past was not easily replaced with cheer.
"Yes, and I'm convinced it's true. And as a royal retainer, it's my foremost responsibility to look after you." He caressed her for a few moments to soothe her. And when she was sufficiently comfortable and open to his affection, he rose to move over her. She no doubt thought he was teasing her with such a nickname. If she only knew the truth…! He put her knuckles to his lips with a smile, lingering his mouth over the ridges. He whispered in her ear in a throaty tone. "How may I serve you, my Princess?"