Jeremiah

I woke up early this morning to make Belly pancakes for her birthday breakfast. Things were never going to go back to how they were, but I had to try to make them better.

But when she walked down the stairs and started crying, it broke something in me.

"Fuck-i- I'm sorry. Should I not have made birthday breakfast? It's just.. I always have. I didn't want to take that away after I ruined everything else. Bells? Please don't cry. I'm sorry. Bells- I am so sorry." She was physically shaking. God, she really fucking hates me right now. She took a step towards me, and started scrubbing her tears away with the back of her sleeve. "Please talk to me," I begged, walking toward her.

"I don't know how to anymore.. I don't even know who you are when I look at you.." Ouch.

"I can fix this. Please. Just let me try."

"We can't fix it, Jere. But maybe one day we can get past it." What can I even say? Nothing. So I nod and turn and leave. I guess that is better than her hating me forever. This really fucking sucks.

I got into my car and just started driving. I didn't really know where I was going, but I knew I didn't want to ruin her party. So I just kept driving. And driving. Focusing on the road is the only way to keep myself from thinking about how badly I fucked up. All this time I was so scared to lose her to my brother, when in reality I ruined it all on my own. Eventually I realized where I was. I was about a block from my dads office in Boston. Sighing, I pulled into the parking garage for his building. What am I doing here? Belly had been pushing me to spend more time with my dad. Maybe I headed here subconsciously. Or maybe not. But I am here, so I might as well go up.

"Jere!" My dad stood to greet me when I walked through his door. "What are you doing here, son?" He hugged me before leaning back against his desk. "Is everything okay?"

I shrugged. "I don't really know why I am here." I said, sitting in one of the seats across from his desk.

He didn't say anything at first. But eventually he sat in the chair next to me instead of against the desk.

"I know things with us haven't always been… Well… I know talking to me isn't like talking to your mom," He sounded so uncomfortable. He kept clearing his throat and looking at his hands. "But you can talk to me. And I'll do what I can to help you."

I sat there staring at the rug under our feet. I don't think I could ever talk to my mom about this. She would be so disappointed in me. I can feel myself crying. But I don't do anything to stop the tears. "I messed up so bad. And I don't think I can fix it this time."

He didn't say anything. But he reached out and put his hand on top of mine.

"A few months ago, during spring break…" My dad closed his eyes and squeezed my hand. "Belly and I had broken up. And I swear I didn't think we would get back together. But we did. But it was too late." I choked on a sob. "I slept with this girl from school. And I didn't tell Belly about it, but she found out, Dad. She found out and she hates me so much now." I'm shaking with sobs now. I feel like a little kid in trouble. My dad moved to kneel on the floor in front of me and pulled me into a hug.

"I don't know if you know this.." His voice is strained. "Conrad knows. I cheated on your mom. And I thought for a while that she had forgiven me. But Jere, I don't know if anyone can ever really move past that." He said sadly. "That's why she didn't want me around in the end. She never truly forgave me. And honestly. I haven't forgiven myself. All I can do is try to move on, and be the man she used to think that I am. Now Belly… She may try to forgive you. But things will never be the same between you. My advice… you need to work on forgiving yourself. And being a better man"

I scoffed, pulling away from him. "Was that supposed to help?" He grimaced.

"I don't know Jere. I just know that you aren't like me. You are a better man. So, maybe you need to think about what was going on in your heart when this happened."

"I wasn't really thinking with my heart, Dad." He nodded.

"Neither was I. But looking back, I know why I did what I did. I was a scared, weak man. And I let someone else comfort me. Then I kept doing it, because it was a distraction from all the things I was afraid of at home. And it broke your mothers heart. Do you know what you were running from when you let yourself be comforted by this other young lady?"

I just put my head into my hands and let myself cry again. Was my dad right? Was I running from Belly? Or am I just a cheating asshole? Just like my father. I cried harder then, thinking about how I hurt Belly, and how my father hurt my mother.

Eventually the tears dried up and my dad offered to take me out to lunch. It was a welcome distraction. It was already dark by the time I made it back to Cousins. It looked like Bellys birthday party was in full swing. I sat in my car for a while before Marissa found me and dragged me in to have a beer with her.

We sat for a while catching up, and I could tell she was making small talk to avoid asking about Belly. I think I had been taking my friendship with her for granted, it was the most at ease I had felt for weeks. She dragged me out onto the makeshift dance area Taylor had set up. We had been dancing for a while when I felt someone slam into me. It was Belly. I felt like I had been sucker punched. All I could do was stare at her.

She put her hand on my chest and it felt like it wrapped around my heart, "Jere, do you want to dance?" I rested my forehead against hers and pulled her close, like I had so many times before. But this time was different. This time it felt like the last time.

There were so many things I wanted to say. Needed to tell her. But all that came out was, "Happy birthday, Bells." The way she feels in my arms, the song playing.. It was all too much.

"Can we pretend for tonight, Jere? Pretend that we aren't breaking each other's hearts?" I couldn't stop the tears then. I rested my head on her neck and let myself breath in her shampoo. I could do that. I owe her that much at least. She hasn't done anything wrong, and I hate how her voice cracked when she spoke.

"Anything for you, Bells. Anything." I wished the song could last forever, but it was over quickly and then suddenly we were doing the silly dances we had made up with Taylor. For the first time it felt like things would be okay, no matter what happens now. It felt so good to laugh and have fun with her again. After a while, she stumbled out to lay in the yard. I watched her go, but I didn't follow.

Instead, I made my way down to the beach. This day had been a rollercoaster of emotions. A walk is exactly what I needed to clear my head. After a few minutes I could make out the silhouette of someone sitting in the sand. As I got closer, I realized it was Conrad. I sighed, and headed toward him.

"Want some company?" I asked.

He shrugged, but I sat down anyway. He's such an asshole.

We sat in silence for a while, and I realized how much I had missed my brother the last few years. We haven't been close since he found out our mom was sick again, and as much as I wanted to put that on him, I pushed him away too."

"Con, I'm sorry."

He looked confused. "What are you apologizing to me for?"

I laughed, "For so much man, for so fucking much," I leaned back on my elbows and stared out at the ocean. This was a long time coming. "For thinking you were just being a dick, when you were carrying the weight of mom being sick and dad cheating. For being mad at you when you couldn't forgive him. For hating you because I had to watch Mom die while you were off at school and with Belly. For making things so hard for you that entire year. For how I acted at Thanksgiving. I was so fucking jealous of you. I have always been so jealous of you. I thought to myself, if I had the chance to be with her, I would never hurt her. That I was better for her than you. I spent the entire summer trying to come between you two, and I should have noticed something was wrong with Mom sooner. And then when I fucked things up with Belly, my first thought wasn't to find out if she was safe… It was if she had ran to you. I couldn't get past her loving you to love her properly. And I would be lying if that hasn't made me hate you a bit for the last few years"

Conrad just stared at me, letting me vent all this out. It was like once I started talking, I couldn't stop. "I have this thing in my head that keeps telling me you two are inevitable. That I will never live up to you. And I think I really proved it this time. Because what I did… You would have never. I am just like Dad. She told me once it hurts to look at me because I look so much like mom. I guess every part of me hurts her, inside and out." I was talking so fast, I doubt he could even understand me as I was spiraling next to him.

Conrad stood up then, and his movement made me flinch. I wouldn't blame him if he kicked my ass. I deserve it. But he held out his hand to help me stand up. I took it, and instead of letting it go, Conrad used it to pull me into a hug. He held on for so long that I started crying again. I felt like a little kid.

"I hate that you have always felt that way. You know I was always jealous of you?" He laughed a little. "And not just about Belly, but if I am being honest, I thought you were better for her than I am too. I guess we both fucked up with her though," He said quietly. He let go of me finally, and we both started walking.

"I was jealous about how easy life comes to you. How easy happiness came to you. It was like you were this ray of sunshine in life and I always felt like a dark cloud. But Agnes talked me into starting therapy." He shook his head. "I just went at first to get her to back off, but it's really been helping. Steven once told me I needed to find my zen. He was right. Everything doesn't have to be awesome or shit. There is the in between for me now. I know our parents loved us, but the way they raised us.. Really fucked us up." We both laugh a little at that. Then he sighed and stopped walking. "But Jere… When Steven called me that day and said she was missing… It was like a part of me had died. I tried seeing other girls in the last two years. I really did. There was noone else who could make me feel anything. Not even for one night. Do you get what I am saying? I don't know exactly what happened with you two, and I really don't want to. I know you love Belly. We all love Belly. But were you in love with her? Because I am Jere. I am. There could never be anyone for me except her. I stayed away because I know I could never get over her, and I thought the distance was what was best for all three of us. And I'll keep staying away, because I know she doesn't feel the same anymore. Are you willing to do that for her? Do you love her enough to let her find her happiness somewhere else?"

When I didn't reply, Conrad sighed and patted me on the back before heading back to the beach house. "She deserves to be happy, man. You know she does."

He hadn't slept with anyone since he fell for Belly. And I didn't even last a week.