Belly

The morning after my birthday Steven and Taylor had to go back to Philly. I spent most of my time at work. It was easier that way, and my bank account agreed. On my first day off after they had left, I decided to go for a swim. The house is empty, I think Jere has been avoiding me as much as I had been him. At some point during my swim, he or Conrad must have been by the pool. They had left me a dry towel and tupperware with what looked like their leftover lunch. It was delicious, and also made me realize I had been skipping meals too much lately. I was inside washing the dish when Jere came downstairs. He cleared his throat and leaned against the counter across from me.

"Hey, girl. You come here often?" A few months ago his casual flirting would have made me blush, or giggle. But now the way he called me girl felt impersonal. I rolled my eyes and splashed him with the sink water. "Hey!" He said laughing, wiping the water from his face.

"Hey yourself stranger. Thanks for the chicken." I said gesturing towards the now clean bowl. He made an odd face.

"I didn't make any chicken. Must have been Con." Great, now he's going to get weirdly jealous.

But instead he smirked. "Do you remember that summer we played chicken with Taylor. And she told Steven he had a weirdly hairless chest." I started laughing, hard.

"And he told her it's because she was oily! They were such sore losers."

He laughed. "Yeah, those two are the sore losers."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Belly, you aren't just a sore loser. You are a sore winner too." I gasped, pretending to be offended. "You and Con both are. It's horrible playing with the two of you."

"It's not about winning, it's-" I started, but he cut me off.

"It's about doing it right? Yeah, I know." I laughed, nodding. He rolled his eyes, and his mood shifted "Hey, I'm leaving for my internship tomorrow in Boston." I had forgotten all about that honestly. "Can you and I have dinner tonight? Here or out or whatever you want. I just don't want to leave things like this,"

I nodded. "Yeah. We can make something here if that's okay, I'm getting sick of eating out." Eating out to avoid having dinner with you, or not eating at all is what I meant, but didn't say.

"Yeah, that's perfect. Thanks Bells. I'm going to head to the grocery store now." His smile was bright and it hurt my heart to look at him. I smile back and let him give me a half hug on his way out the door.

Jere came home and started dinner, and I hopped onto the counter to watch him cook. This was always my favorite version of him. When it was just the two of us. No Conrad for him to compete with, no frat boys to impress, and no other girls catching his attention. He has changed a lot in the last two years. But really, so have I. Jere was making fajitas, busy chopping peppers while I sipped on a frozen margarita. This could have been our life if things had gone differently. Sighing, I pulled out my phone and connected to the bluetooth speaker. This awkward silence was killing me.

Immediately Jere started singing along with the song, and I hopped off the counter to dance around the kitchen. We ate at the counter instead of the table, laughing and teasing each other. He was refilling my drink when the conversation shifted.

"Tonight has been really great, Bells. But I know that it will take a lot more than this for us to go back to being friends."

I looked down at my glass. "Back to being friends," I said softly. "You don't want to be more anymore?" I hated how weak I sounded. I'm not even sure why I said it, I knew I didn't want to try again. I guess I just want him to want it. But it made me think of what Steven had said to me after my birthday party, about Jere not being in love with me.

"I don't deserve you, Belly. I really don't. If I thought it's what you wanted, I would fight for you. I keep thinking about how you said you knew we would get back together after spring break. That blind faith you had in us. Do you still feel that way?" I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling, but I couldn't answer. "I didn't think so," His voice cracked. "I really never meant to hurt you. I didn't think of it as cheating, and when we got back together I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want you to have any reason to worry about her. I didn't want you to think that I needed more from you, or to put any pressure on you for sex when I know you aren't ready." The part of me that was reasonable could see where he was coming from. But the part of me that loves him… That part thinks it's bullshit. But calling him out on it would only make this harder, and he was leaving tomorrow anyway. "I hope that we can get past this, that we can eventually be friends again."

I finish off my drink before continuing. I turn to look at him, "Jere…I don't know where we go from here, but I do know that no matter what, we will always be friends." For Susannah, we will always be friends.

He looked uncomfortable. "And listen. Now you and Conrad can… You know.. Get together.. It won't be like before. I mean I am going to hate it. But I won't push you guys away over it this time, you're all his." What?!

Just then Conrad walked around the corner. How long had he been in the other room? "She isn't some toy we can pass back and forth, Jere. She's a human with feelings. Feelings we have both hurt too many times to keep playing with them." I think again, what?!

"I didn't mean it like that.." Jeremiah said sheepishly. "I swear. I just.. Fuck. I just keep doing the wrong thing." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Belly. I really am. Maybe I should just go to bed." When I didn't reply, he nodded. "Thank you for hearing me out tonight. I'm just really sorry for everything." He threw out the rest of his beer and made his way upstairs.

"I'm sorry, but I wasn't going to let him act like you are some possession to fight over." Conrad said as he began clearing up from dinner. It was so attractive the way he always just starts cleaning up. So different from his brother. I've had too much to drink if I am thinking that housework is sexy. Or maybe it's the way he stood up for me.

I started drying and putting away the dishes as he washed them. "How much of that did you hear?" I asked quietly, not wanting Jere to hear if he was still up.

"Too much, probably. I didn't mean to eavesdrop." I shrug, and keep working. "You and Jere never…" I nearly dropped the glass I had been putting away.

"Nope." He moves behind me to help me put the margarita glass on the top shelf and I nearly stop breathing when his solid chest presses into my back. Oh god, has he been working out?

"And he doesn't know that you and I…" He trailed off, letting his hands graze down my sides before resting on my waist. I couldn't help but glance over at the fireplace in the other room. My face heats up and I slip away from him.

"I didn't know how to tell him. Especially because I wasn't ready to be with him." Why am I telling him this? Fucking tequila.

"Do you regret being with me? Was it not.. Good for you?" He asked, looking anywhere but at me. The confident Conrad that had been pressed against me was gone now, and the awkward man in front of me made my heart swell. He thinks he was so bad in bed that I didn't ever want to have sex again?

A small part of me wanted to tease him for it, but I couldn't bring myself to play on his insecurities tonight.

"No, Con. That night was perfect. I could never regret it. I could never regret you." I looked away then, ashamed of what I was about to admit. "But I didn't want to regret Jere either…" Saying it out loud, made me realize even more that Steven was right. I sighed, "I hate when Steven is right," I muttered to myself.

"Right about what?"

"He told me the other night that Jere and I love each other, but we aren't in love with each other. It pissed me off. But I think deep down I already knew it wasn't the same." The same as the way that I love you.

"Belly.." He said taking a step toward me. But then his phone rang. He sighed, pulling it out of his pocket. I could see the name that popped up. Agnes.

"You should take that Con, I think I'm going to head to bed." Agnes. The girl from the doorway. The girl he says he doesn't have.

"Belly, wait." I waved him off, forcing a smile.

"Night Connie," I tried to force myself to walk normally, not full out sprint away from him. I shouldn't have been so candid with him. I make it to my room before leaning against the door and letting myself cry. And after today, I really didn't even know which Fisher I was crying over. Jeremiah for cheating on me and never fighting for me? Conrad for always being just out of reach, never willing to admit how he feels? Or Susannah… For leaving me when I needed her most. When we all needed her most?