Conrad

I never should have let her walk away from me. But when it comes to Belly, everything I do is the wrong thing. I think about all the times I messed up, pushed her away. I think about them a lot. And I talk about them in therapy often. But it doesn't change anything. I keep thinking about how I missed my window. I lied to her so she could be happy with Jere, and there is no coming back from it. She doesn't feel that way about me now. There used to be a special light in her eyes when she looked up at me. Now she just looks sad, even when she is laughing. So I did my best to just be her friend again for the rest of the summer. And it was nice, but it would never be enough. In the same way that no one but her would be enough.

Everyone came back for the Fourth, even the dads. It was almost enough to push away the ghost of my mom. But nothing ever would, not really. Belly left after with her mom. I slept in her room after she was gone, like some kind of stalker. But it made me feel less alone in the once full beach house.

The summer ended and I went back to Stanford. I was glad to be back in a way. Agnes never let me feel alone. She was one of the only people I felt like I could talk to because she was so far removed from the situation. It didn't hurt her to talk about my mom like it does with everyone who knew her. She has no ties, no bias with Belly like Steven and Jere do. She had quickly become my best friend, and this year we were sharing an apartment not far from the Stanford med school we were both attending now.

When the school year ended, I invited her to Cousins. I let her take my room, and I took Belly's since she had left for Spain. When Taylor noticed, she didn't mention it. But she did stare at me a lot that summer. The beach house was full, but it felt empty without my mom and Belly there.

Laurel showed up a few days after I had. Sometimes, I swear that woman can see straight through me and my bullshit. I had been sitting out by the pool when she finally called me out.

"So. Agnes."

I nodded, taking a drink of my beer. "What about her?"

"She seems like a nice girl."

I smiled then, glad Laurel liked her. "She is. And shes so fucking smart, too."

She grabbed my beer and took a drink of it. "Is she? Smart enough to see through you Connie?"

"What do you mean?" She just looked at me. And then it hit me. She thinks I'm stringing Agnes along. "It's not like that, I swear. We tried dating you know, but she called me out pretty quick. That if I couldn't love someone else the way I love Belly.. Then I was wasting both of our time."

Laurel looked away then, "Why didn't you fight for her Con? You really hurt our girl."

I felt myself getting choked up. "I knew I couldn't love her the way she deserves. I thought Jere could…." I trail off shaking my head. Fucking Jeremiah.

Laurel laughed. "It was always you Connie. Even when that mess happened… She always wanted you. Needed you. You were always her Prince Charming." It felt like a million years ago that my mom had said those same words.

"I think you're wrong about that. She didn't even want to talk to me when she finally got here that summer. She mostly avoided me."

"Of course she avoided you. You told her to be with your brother because you didn't want her anymore, and then he cheated on her. And when that happened she took a red eye flight to see the only person in the world she wanted to make her feel better. Then she got there, you had this perfect tiny blonde woman wrapped in your arms. The complete opposite of her in every hit every insecurity she had ever had. And then when she got here, you were flirting with her even though she knew you had a girlfriend back at school. It made her feel like she was the other woman in your relationship, after she had just found out about the other woman in her own. She was miserable that summer Con. She came back from California and spent a week crying in my bed. And the rest of the summer doing pretty much the same when she came back with me. Jere hurt her. But you broke her. How could you not see that?"

My entire world came crashing down around me as she spoke. And everything started clicking into place about how she had been around me last year. And why she didn't come back this year. "She… She came to see me? Oh God, she told you all that? Laurel, you must hate me. I didn't know. I thought I was doing the right thing." I put my face in my hands.

She pulled my hands away, and held them in her lap. "I wasn't happy about it, but I could never hate you Connie. You're my special guy. Especially when I know your side of things isn't as black and white as it looks to Belly. I know what it's like to push someone away when you need them most. You can still fix it."

"How can I fix all these mistakes I've made? I mean.. She talks to everyone but me. Even Jeremiah."

"Have you tried?" She said, a bit condescending. I shrugged sheepishly. "Maybe you should start with trying." She patted my shoulder, then pushed me in the pool laughing. She was still laughing when she walked back inside.

The next day I packed up Junior Mint and sent him on his way to Spain. But her birthday came and went with no reply. It was well after Fourth of July when she texted me Junior Mint has officially made it past customs and is safe and sound with me. Thank you.

Of course my effort would arrive late, like everything it seems. Just a little too late. I spent forever trying to figure out how to reply. Finally I just sent an emoji and then threw my phone across the room. I am so bad at this.

But when Christmas rolled around I made sure to pay for faster shipping. This time, she called to tell me it doesn't count if they were gifts I had already given her. Which is hardly fair, since she didn't send me anything. We talked till nearly two A.M my time before I had to go to bed. But it was still another 6 months before I would see her again. Six months of writing letters I wouldn't send, of pulling up her name in my phone before chickening out of calling or texting. But mostly, six months of trying to convince myself that Laurel was right.. That I could still fix this.