I show up at the KT house the next day. It's Monday morning and most of the KTs are probably asleep or are attempting to drag themselves to a class.

I knock on the door, no one answering for a long time so I knock again.

I hoped he was here. I knew he had class earlier but it was 11am and he should be back by now. I didn't bother to text him to ask because I didn't even know if he would text me back. And if I told him I was coming over he might leave. I figured a surprise attack was probably best.

Finally the door opens and I perk up, hoping to see him behind it.

"Hello?", A confused and tired looking Beaver answers the door wearing boxers and a tank top.

"Oh hi Beaver", I sigh in relief that someone had answered, even if it was Beaver. "Is Cappie here?"

I try to look behind Beaver to see if he's in there.

"Who wants to know?", Beaver crosses his arms giving me a slightly dubious look.

"Um…", I look at him like he's crazy. "I do. Please just… if he's here, can I come in?"

"He told me that he wanted to be alone right now", Beaver keeps a poker face.

"So he is here?", I confirm.

"Dammit… did I say that?", He scolds himself.

"Pretty much", I sigh out of frustration then. "Look Beaver, I just want to talk to him. It's me, I know he'll see me".

Beaver looks at me, looking unsure whether to let me in.

"C'mon", I groan. "I'm having his baby, aren't I like an honorary KT as this point?"

He scoffs at me like that's crazy.

"Cap!", I start to yell into the house like a crazy person, too annoyed to deal with Beaver anymore. "Cappie! It's me, Casey. Can we please talk? I'm sorry!"

"Hey!", Beaver puts his hands over his ears. "Keep it down, some of us are hungover!"

I just roll my eyes at him.

Finally I hear noises behind him and I try to see behind Beaver's large frame.

"Beav!", I sigh in relief when I hear Cap's voice. "What are you doing? Let Casey in, it's freezing out and she's pregnant".

Cappie moves Beaver out of the way and I smile at him then, having only spent a night apart but missing him more than ever.

"Hi", I nod at him shyly now as he looks down at me awkwardly and then pulls me inside by my hand, I think trying to get me out of the cold wind, Beaver moving out of the way so we can get past.

"Beav, go get ready for your class, it starts soon", Cappie says to him.

"Ugh but I'm so hungover Cap", Beaver groans.

"The children Beav. Do it for the children", Cappie pats his back and Beaver thinks about it and then nods, seeming to gain some motivation, leaving to go up the stairs.

Cappie looks at me then, focusing his attention on me.

"Case", he nods, I can tell he's still mad at me.

"Can we talk?", I feel like I'm begging him.

"Yeah okay", he sighs then, like he's knows this is going to be rough. "Do you want anything to drink or…?"

"No I'm good", I shrug him off.

"Okay well, we can go up to my old room, it's Pickle's now but he's not home", Cappie suggests and I nod as we walk up the stairs, going to his old room, a million memories there.

He lets me in first and then closes the door behind us and looks back at me for me to talk.

"I know you're mad at me", I say to him. "And if I haven't said it already, I'm so sorry that that happened, I never should've said it but-"

"If it's the way you really feel then… I'm glad you said it", He looks hurt. "And yeah I'm mad, but… I can't really shut down or shut you out right now because obviously we can't do that with the baby".

He gestures to my stomach under my coat.

"No we can't", I agree. "But it's not the way I feel at all, okay? I want to explain".

He looks at me to elaborate.

"When I said that to Rusty it was the night of Cinco De Mayo after I'd just walked out of here having walked in on you and that girl".

"Oh…", His expression changes then, seeming to be possibly coming around to understanding the context now.

"And Rusty saw that I was upset so he walked back to ZBZ with me and I told him I was pregnant, and I told him that I'd tried to tell you… and that I didn't because you were in bed with someone. And I was hurt… and scared. And the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you but I felt like I couldn't do that. I was mad at you so I made up excuses to try to… I don't know…", I put my hands up then, trying to put into words how I was feeling at the time. "I was trying to make any excuses I could in my mind that you wouldn't want to be there for me, which obviously wasn't true".

He nods, understanding me.

"I was just scared to tell you so I tried to tell myself, and Rusty and Ashleigh for that matter, that I wasn't telling you because you wouldn't be there for me anyway", I shrug. "I knew it wasn't true when I said it, I promise".

He nods then, his face softening slightly.

"It's not how I feel at all. In fact it's the opposite", I move forward now to take his hands in mine. "I know you'll be a good dad, I see it all the time. You already parent the guys around here".

I laugh slightly to which I finally earn a smirk out of him, something I missed seeing.

"And I mean… half the reason why it was so hard to go through with having an abortion back in the spring was because it was yours", I confess and he looks at me quizzically.

"What do you mean?"

"I…", I try to think how to best explain it. "Out of all the boyfriends I've had, Max and Evan included, I've never even once thought about actually having a family with them, except for with you. And so, when I found out I was pregnant, I let myself… fantasize about it I guess. You and me and our baby".

Confessing this to him is much more vulnerable than I'd like to be. But at least I'm finally being honest with him.

"You did?", he seems surprised, but touched too.

"Of course I did", I say like it's obvious. "And I didn't… want to give that up. Deep down I wanted to have the baby, and a good deal of that was because I knew that if it was with you it couldn't be that bad".

He takes this in now, thinking it over.

"Cap, I promise you", I look into his eyes, wanting him to really take this part in. "The only person I'd want to be having this baby with is you".

A sheepish smile takes over his face then, like he's fighting it but it's winning.

"Thank you... for telling me all of that", he nods. "And… I'm still sorry about Cinco De Mayo. If things had happened differently, maybe you would've told me that night… Which is my fault. I should've seen that something was bothering you."

"Yeah I guess", I nod. "But we can't change the past. I… I didn't know that it still hurt you so much that you missed my first trimester".

"I guess I didn't fully realize it either", He admits.

"It was hard for me too", I admit, emotional now. "To come back here and then hear from Rusty about all the girls that you'd hooked up with over the summer while I was watching our baby grow all alone".

He looks at me sadly then.

"If I had known…", He argues, not finishing his sentence.

"Yeah I know. You would've been there for me. I know that now", I look at him softly.

"Its hard to know I missed all that time and… we can't get it back", He admits to me.

"I know", I look down, upset with myself for not telling him all those months ago.

"But I get it", he nods. "And I don't want to dwell on the past too much".

"Cap", a lightbulb goes off in my mind then. "I have an idea that could maybe make this better".

"What do you mean?"

"Just… just come back to the apartment with me okay? There's something I need to show you", I look at him seriously.

"Okay", he nods

We drive our cars back separately to get them home. I follow him all the way back to our place. I had surrendered to calling it that now. Because it was our place. And I loved that it was.

We meet up outside and then go in the building and up the elevator. But when we walk down the hall to the door we see Rusty sitting in front of it.

"Spitter?", Cappie questions.

"Oh!", Rusty perks up, getting up off the ground. "Well... you guys are together, that's a good sign".

"Yeah we're… okay Rus", I nod.

"Good because I was just coming over here to apologize more and I was calling you earlier Cap, trying to tell you that what I said was way out of context and not at all how Casey feels", Rusty rambles, feeling guilty.

"Oh yeah", Cappie shakes his head. "Sorry I was in class when you called and I forgot to call you back. But don't worry, Casey explained everything to me".

"Okay, as long as everything is better between you two", he nods.

"It's fine. We kind of had a conversation that we probably should've had a long time ago anyways. Things I should've told Cappie that I never did", I explain. "So we're not mad at you Rusty".

"Okay that's good to hear", He sighs of relief.

"You wanna come in for lunch or anything?", I offer.

"No, I gotta get to class. I just was going crazy with guilt since you guys have been in such a good place recently", Rusty waves me off.

"We're still in a good place, don't worry man", Cappie puts his hand on Rusty's shoulder and gives me a small smile.

"Okay, well see you guys later", Rusty gives us one last nod and is off down the hall.

I unlock the door to our place then and let us in.

"I'm pretty intrigued to see what this surprise is", Cappie smirks as we get in.

"It's in my room", I start to walk down to my bedroom and Cappie follows me.

I go into my closet and get out a box and pick it up.

"Careful, is it heavy?", Cappie comes over to help me.

"No", I shake my head at him like he's crazy and drop it down on my bed, taking the lid off it. "Here, this is everything you missed".

He looks at me confused for a moment.

"I know this can't replace those first three months of her life that you missed out on… but hopefully it's better than nothing", I look at him, cautiously.

He looks intrigued and we sit on my bed on either side of the box.

He reaches in to look at the contents and pulls out my pregnancy test.

"You kept the pregnancy test?", He laughs at me slightly.

"Yeah I just couldn't get rid of it", I admit. "I had to keep at least one of them".

He looks it over, the two pink lights pretty evident on it.

"One of them?", he smirks. "Why? How many did you take".

I give him a slightly embarrassed smile then.

"Um… 10", I laugh.

"What? Did you think that somehow 10 tests were defective?", Cappie teases me.

"I just wanted to be one thousand percent sure because I was just in such disbelief that it was really happening. I bought like every brand", I shake my head at my pure insanity during that week when I started to realize I might be pregnant.

I pick out a notebook from the box as Cappie looks over the pregnancy test.

"And this is my diary from that time. I documented every single day from the Spring and Summer", I sigh out, feeling vulnerable revealing this to him.

"You did?"

"Yep", I nod. "And I thought since you missed it… I could read it out to you and it would be like you were there", I flip through the book to get to early May. "Here, this is the week where I started to think I was pregnant".

He looks all ears, like he's interested to hear this.

"May 2nd", I read out. "I'm 4 days late on my period and I'm starting to freak out. Usually I would think there could be absolutely no way that I could be pregnant but I don't remember much of the night before my birthday when we all got pretty drunk, except I know I missed taking my pill for two days. This spring break was one of the worst weeks of my life and I can't believe that this might have come out of it too. I'm going to wait a few more days before testing. May as well not tell anyone, it's probably just a false alarm anyways".

I scoff as I look down at my belly at the irony of my prior self's statement.

"Well… it wasn't a false alarm", Cappie takes this in, smirking at me.

"Nope", I laugh and then turn the page.

"Okay May 3rd", I start the new entry. "I saw Cappie today at the coffee cart and ducked out of there quickly so he wouldn't see me. Seeing him standing there made me feel like I was being punched in the gut. I'm already nauseas as it is, but I just about threw up right then and there in the quad. All I want to do is go over to the KT house and run into his arms and tell him how scared I am. Tell him that I didn't care that we were broken up, that we weren't talking. I only want to tell him about this right now. I'm just really scared. I think Ash might suspect something is going on, but I've been pretty down for two weeks now since spring break so she might think that's why I've been acting weird".

It felt uncomfortable to confess this all to him, but I meet his eyes, his expression soft, sad.

"You could've come up to me", He says meekly. "I would've been there for you. Even if we're fighting you know that we're always… us".

He shrugs slightly.

"I felt too hurt by you Cappie", I sigh and turn the page.

"May 4th", I read. "I'm officially going to get pregnancy tests today. There's a graduation mixer at the Omega Chi's tonight that Ash wants me to go to with her, but I don't want to be around anyone right now, I'm too freaked out. I just have to test to know for sure, even if the thought scared me. If I am pregnant I have no idea what I'm going to do".

I turn the page again to get to the next day.

"May 5th", I read, the date ingrained in my mind forever, as it was the official day I found out this was all real. "The tests I took last night were positive. So this is really happening. I'm going to the doctor today to confirm the pregnancy, although I'm pretty sure that 10 tests didn't lie. I hope that they won't show me the baby on the screen. Not that it was even a baby yet, it was just a mass of cells. Regardless, I didn't want to see it. Because there was a good chance I wasn't going to end up having it anyways".

I reach into the box then, pulling out that sonogram photo, the very first one.

I hand it to Cappie so he can look at it.

"I think I showed you this one awhile back but… they did show her to me on the screen", I laugh slightly. "Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to see, I eventually gave in. I could barely make out anything on the ultrasound screen but they printed this photo with it circled and I immediately thought she looked like a little jellybean".

He laughs then, looking it over in his hands, looking slightly emotional at it.

"It's so weird to think she started out this small", Cappie marvels over it.

"I know right", I grin and take a deep breath in. "Okay now for Cinco De Mayo. May 6th. So it's official: I'm pregnant. I can't believe that I'm actually pregnant at 22. I honestly wouldn't believe it if I hadn't been throwing up so much. I never thought that this would happen to me, I'm just kicking myself for being so incredibly stupid. I'm graduating this week and have no idea what the hell I'm going to do. At least Ash knows, but nobody else does. Ash is trying to get me to tell Cappie today at the KT Cinco De Mayo party. I'm really scared to tell him since I'm definitely not his favorite person right now. I've been really sick lately but am even more sick at the thought of having to tell him".

I look to Cappie then, our feelings of regret around that night obviously present, we both knew that.

"Alright, just a warning, this entry might bash you a little bit", I giggle slightly and see his face turn into a smirk.

"It's all good, I definitely deserved it", He takes a breath in.

"Okay May 7th", I begin. "I tried to tell Cappie twice yesterday, even went back to the party a second time to try to be brave but instead found him with that girl from earlier. It's like he'll just get into bed with anyone".

I give Cappie a look, scoffing at that part and then continue.

"I finally told Rusty about the baby though. He walked me home after someone spilled a drink on me. Rusty tried to defend Cappie, saying that he would be a good dad if I do decide to have this baby. That I should just tell him. But that wasn't the problem. Cappie would be a good dad, but we were so young and I know this isn't what he would want. Not to mention we weren't together and I had to accept that. Especially after seeing him move on with another girl. He wasn't mine anymore and telling him I'm pregnant would just force him to be with me when he really didn't want to be. All I want is to feel safe again, feel like my life is on track. But everything is a mess".

I look to Cappie then, seeing the surprised look on his face.

"See Cap", I meet his blue eyes. "I never doubted that you'd be good at this. I just had a lot of conflicting feelings about you and me going on and didn't want to be hurt any more than I already was".

He gives me a sympathetic look then and scoots closer to me, touching my thigh.

"I'm sorry Case", He says softly. "I… I think I understand better now. And now I feel like the worst person in the entire world for treating you how I did at graduation".

He shakes his head and looks down, like he's beating himself up.

"You didn't know", I shrug.

"You wanted to tell me that day didn't you?", He asks.

I nod.

"I told myself that if you showed up to my graduation then you still cared… I promised myself that if you came that I would be honest with you", I say and then trail off.

"And then I acted like a complete and utter dick", Cappie sighs.

I give him a look.

"You said it, not me", I laugh.

"I…. the only reasoning I can give is that I didn't want to say goodbye to you. Because that would be it, it would be the end of us. And I couldn't handle that. But there was no way I was going to miss you walking across that stage. I just couldn't say a final goodbye to you", he sighs. "And that whole summer I threw myself into any distraction I could find because… I didn't think I'd ever see you again".

He speaks emotionally now, his voice straining slightly.

I give him a sad look then and lean in to hug him.

"I get it now", I speak against him with a nod and close my eyes when I feel his arms wrap around me tightly, my belly between us.

"Well", He smiles as we pull away. "I think it's safe to say that even though we both thought the other one didn't care that whole time we were mad at each other, we actually cared… a lot".

"Yep", I laugh. "We just had a really bad way of showing it".

"I promise I'm not gonna let you down again Case", Cappie speaks in a low voice, looking at me, determined.

"I know", I nod. "And I'll try to be more open with you, try to let you in more".

"Sounds good", he nods. "Now what else is in here?"

He looks amused going through the box.

"More sonogram photos. A couple photos of me back in Chicago in the summer when I was first getting a bump", I smile.

Cappie picks up a photo of me in a blue bikini in the backyard at my parent's house, sporting a really tiny bump.

"That was sometime at the end of July", I explain. "Me and Rusty were so hot one day, so we put the sprinkler on and I had Rusty take a photo of me because I'd finally started showing a bit and I had no photos of my belly yet. I didn't want the summer to pass me by without taking any. Although compared to how I look now that belly is nothing".

I laugh at my past self who thought that I was gaining so much weight when I really just looked bloated.

"I like this one", he smiles looking at it. "You look happy in it. Even though I know you were probably struggling then".

"Well…", I shrug. "Me and Rusty ran through the sprinkler like when we were little kids, that made me happy. Even in the midst of being so worried and confused. And throwing up on the grass right after this photo was taken".

I give him a grossed out look with a laugh and he smiles at me looking entranced, his eyes focused on my lips. I feel my heart start to pound slightly, feeling his gaze on me, feeling this moment of tension between us.

He takes his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear then and leans in to kiss me, his lips soft, his hands warm on my cold skin as he rests his hand on my cheek.

I kiss him back, feeling this moment just like he is. And I'm so relieved that he was back and that he finally knew that I didn't have any doubts about him. I wanted him to know how special he was to me. No matter if we were together or not, he always would be.

"Man this part about you and your mom fighting at your first appointment in Chicago is rough", Cappie looks over to me as he holds my diary, having been reading it since he got home from work.

He asked my permission first and while I felt slightly uncomfortable with Cappie knowing all my inner thoughts over my first trimester, I think it was essential for him to know all about it. I think that it was making him feel less shut out from the first part of my pregnancy to read about it like he was there.

"Ugh I know", I sigh. "She was so miserable about it that I just went I every appointment by myself after. To tell you the truth, she really thought I should give the baby up for adoption and didn't really come around to the idea of me actually keeping her until right before I came back here in August".

"I'm sorry", Cappie frowns.

"It's okay", I shrug.

"There are some good highlights in here too though", Cap smiles. "I liked reading about when you first started to show and that you talked to her when you were alone in bed at night in secret".

I smile thinking about the early memories with my baby.

"I was pretty lonely", I laugh shyly. "Alone all summer, Rusty and me not getting along the greatest because of me not telling you... So talking to her became my company".

I touch my belly with a smile as Cappie watches me, eyes lit up.

"That was before I even knew she was a girl, wait till you get to that part, I was so excited when the ultrasound tech told me", I grin.

"I'll tell you when I get there", he smiles. "I'm just on the part now when you started to work at your moms office and had to throw up in your purse".

Cappie gives me an empathetic look.

"Yep", I grimace. "I threw that purse away".

We both laugh then.

"Hands down the worst part of being pregnant was having the worst nausea of my entire life, I don't think I could go through it again", I shake my head.

I turn to go into the kitchen to grab a snack, only just becoming aware that I'd mentioned the future to Cappie. About not knowing if I could be pregnant again. It wasn't like either one of us had talked about any future kids. He probably hadn't even noticed.

I hadn't thought long enough in the future to think about if I wanted more kids after this one. I mean sure, it would be cool for her to have a sibling, I was really lucky to have Rusty. And Cappie didn't get to grow up with any siblings. But any future baby I might have would probably have a pretty big age gap with this current one since I was having her young.

I push the thought out of my mind. I'd take a page out of Cappie's book and deal with that when it comes.

I come back to sit by Cappie with my bowl of Cheerios.

"Second dinner?", Cappie confirms with a grin.

"Yep", I nod mid bite.

"So I haven't seen you write in a diary since we've been living together", Cappie points out. "Are you writing in super top secret?"

"No I'm not writing in a diary anymore", I laugh. "I was just doing it as a way to get my thoughts out last spring, and because I was lonely. It ended up being a good way to document my pregnancy in the summer, I wanted to write everything down so that I wouldn't forget what it was like. Even though I wanted to pretend I wasn't pregnant… I knew I would regret it if I didn't at least try to celebrate it a bit".

"I think that's a good idea", he nods. "She can read this when she's older and see how much you fought for her".

He looks at me seriously then and I smile softly, my heart aching. I was happy that he could see that. Because I had fought for her. The second I decided to keep her every single thing I did was for her best interests.

"Thanks Cap", I give him a grin. "And for the record… you're fighting for her too".

He shrugs, looking at me like he doesn't believe that's true.

"You're working like every night to save money, you're graduating in a month, you've helped me move here and set up her stuff. Plus I can tell you try to take care of me every chance you get, I do notice that stuff Cap", I give him a look, crossing my arms playfully.

"Oh you do, do you?", He laughs, raising his eyebrow at me, smiling, playing along.

"Yep", I smile and put my feet up as Cappie continues to read my diary.