I turn on the lamp beside me hoping that my assumption wasn't correct but it's there. Bright red, staining my pink striped pajama shorts, between my legs, and on my sheets.
But that was the least of my worries right now.
My mind springs into action.
"Ash!", I call out.
I can see her slowly waking up, registering the fact that the lamp is on.
"What's going on?", She asks groggily, rubbing her eyes.
I don't even know how to speak, I just let her look over to me and realize what's happening for herself.
Her eyes go wide when she realizes.
"Oh my god. Case", She looks at me sadly, worried for me.
"I don't know what's going on, it's just…", I begin to sob now. "It hurts and there's blood. Ash what if I'm losing the baby?"
I can barely even talk now that I've started crying.
"I'm gonna call 911 Case", Ash grabs her phone off the nightstand.
"No wait!", I stop her. "Call Cappie, okay? Please".
"You got it", She nods and clicks his contact, putting her phone to her ear.
After a few moments I can tell he's picked up because Ash perks up.
"Cap, come over right now", She says quickly. "Yeah it's me, Ashleigh. Somethings happening with Casey, she's bleeding and she needs to go to the hospital I think, I don't know. Just come over okay?"
Ash registers what he's saying.
"Okay, okay. See you soon".
She turns off her phone then.
"He's gonna be here soon Case", She touches my arm, trying to comfort me. "What can I do?"
"I don't know", I cry. "Ash…"
"It's gonna be okay", She tries to soothe me but I can tell she's on the brink of tears too.
"Ash I- I didn't even want this baby at first. But now I can't, I can't lose her", I wipe tears off my cheeks. "I've been so scared of something like this happening. I'm gonna lose her, arent I?"
"We don't know that, we're not doctors", Ash tries to calm me down.
"It's my fault, I didn't want her and in the first month…", my body wracks with sobs now, trying to get words out. "In the first month I kind of hoped something like this would happen. I hate that I wished that".
"It's not your fault, I know how much you love her. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm gonna go downstairs for a second, unlock the door so Cappie can come in", Ashleigh says.
"Okay" I nod. I really just wanted him right now. He was the only one who would understand. Even if he was going to see me in such a vulnerable position, probably the most vulnerable I'd ever been, I really wanted him right now.
While Ashleigh's downstairs I try to assess how much blood there is.
Is there enough that I really would have miscarried her?
I didn't know anything about this, I had no idea how much blood was okay and how much wasn't.
Next thing I know I hear footsteps running up the stairs. More than just Ash's.
He runs into my room then, jeans, navy t shirt and a jacket on and an extremely worried look on his face.
"Case!", he runs over to me.
"I don't know what's happening Cap, I- can you take me to the hospital?", I give him a scared look which I think freaks him out, and seeing that I'm crying probably doesn't help.
I see the shock on his face when he sees the amount of blood on me and on my bed. I can see him try to snap out of it so he can talk to me.
"Yeah let's go, let me just get you some pants, where are they?", He asks, and I can tell his mind is in fight or flight.
"Bottom drawer", I point to my dresser and he gets a pair of black sweatpants out.
"Here can you move, or do you need help?", He asks and he sits on the edge of my bed, helping me up before I even answer.
"It just hurts, I might need help getting these on", I say.
"Okay", he nods quickly and I'm sitting on the edge of the bed as Cappie kneels on the floor, helping me get my blood soaked shorts off and into sweatpants instead.
It feels weird, him helping dress me, but my cramps are so bad right now I don't even know what to do.
"What does it feel like Casey? Where's the pain?", Ash asks.
"It's like period cramps times a thousand", I groan.
"Poor thing, here take this", She hands me a pill. "It's Tylenol extra strength, at least it should help a bit. I'm gonna grab you a pad just in case you bleed more".
I'm so thankful Ash is here because as helpful as Cappie is being and as much as he cares, these are just things that girls know how to handle.
I grab my water on my bedside to wash the Tylenol down.
"Thanks Ash", I look at her, thankful. I hadn't even thought to take anything for the pain, I've been so freaked out.
"Okay here we go", Cappie helps me up off the bed and we try walking with my arm around his shoulder so he can prop me up, but it doesn't exactly work because of the height difference.
"It's cold out Case, do you have a sweater?", Cappie asks me and I nod and point to my closet and Cappie hands it to me, helping me pull the pink sweater on each arm.
"Thanks guys", I nod. "I just need my purse".
I gesture to the top of my dresser and Cappie hands it to me.
Cappie continues to help me walk until we get to the stairs, then in which he gets frustrated and just decides to pick me up in his arms.
"Here this'll be faster, hold on Casey, it's gonna be okay", He tries to comfort me, but I know that no matter how hard he tries he doesn't have the power to make things okay.
Ash follows us out to Cappie's car.
"Ash what are you doing?", I ask her as Cappie helps me into the passenger seat. She's still wearing her pajama pants and a tank top, she'd just put a coat over them.
"I'm coming with", She says strongly. "That is… if that's okay. There's no way I'm gonna be able to sleep while I'm so worried. And it's not like I have anywhere to be tomorrow".
She grabs my hand and I look at her with glassy eyes.
"I love you", I nod to her and she smiles back and gets in Cappie's small backseat.
Cappie runs to get in the driver's side and starts the car quickly.
"Okay everyone buckled in?", He asks and we both say yes and next thing we know we're speeding off, Cappie driving fast which seems to be fine this time of night as there's barely any cars on the road.
Luckily we arrive at Cyprus Memorial Hospital pretty quickly.
I remember the last time I was here was on Valentine's Day when Katherine had gotten shot with an arrow. Then Cappie drove us home and did just about the most romantic thing I could imagine as a gift. I was trying to hold onto that moment right now. Hold onto something happy.
Cappie pulls up to the front of the emergency drop off and Ashleigh gets out to get me a wheelchair so Cappie can help me into it.
"Okay, you guys check in, I'll come back after I find somewhere to park", Cappie says to us, in full action mode.
"Okay I have my phone on me", I nod.
"Me too", Ashleigh says.
Cappie looks at me one last time, looking tall from my seated position.
"It'll be okay Case. We're both here for you", Cappie says to me, his eyes scared, and glassy.
"Cappie's right, we're right by your side", Ash squeezes my shoulder and then looks at Cappie. "Go Cap! I'll take care of her, don't worry".
Cappie nods and runs back out to the front through the sliding doors and Ash wheels me up to the front desk.
I pull out my insurance card and get checked into a waiting area but they said they're getting a room ready for me so I'm hoping that'll be soon. I just want to know if she's okay, I need to know if she's okay.
If I could just get an ultrasound. I wish I could get one this second. If I heard her heartbeat everything would be fine.
Luckily I don't think I was still bleeding. That was the only thing that was calming my nerves right now.
I tap my foot nervously like I do against the chair I'm in, holding onto my bump tight, as if I could protect her from the outside.
Ash puts her hand on mine.
"Thanks for being here with me throughout this whole thing", I say to her. "From day one when those two lines popped up".
"Of course, you're my best friend Casey", She nods.
My phone rings then and it's Cappie.
"Hey yeah we're in zone B, you can come right in", I tell him.
A few minutes later he walks in looking disoriented and scared. He comes over to sit next to me.
The three of us sit in silence, none of us even bothering to read to magazines they had laid out or play little games on our blackberries.
The thoughts that were swarming through my head, and probably Cappie's too, were just too much to try and distract with anything else.
"Casey Cartwright?", a nurse comes out to call my name and even though I'm in pain i jolt up out of my seat, in the process the cramps worsening and I hold my stomach, hunched over.
"Case just sit down okay? Don't worry, I'll roll you in there", Cappie rubs my back and gets me back in the wheelchair.
"I need to find her heartbeat", I argue and look at him sadly.
"I know", He says quietly as he wheels me quickly over to the nurses direction, Ash following us.
When we get in the room, I'm happy to see that there's a fetal ultrasound machine in there.
"Alright hun, our OB on call will be in to see you soon", She gives me a pitiful look. "You can lay on the bed here. I'll grab another chair for your friend".
"Thanks", I say with a nod. Cappie helps me out of the wheelchair slowly and onto the bed.
"Alright here's another chair", She comes back in with a chair for Ash since there was only one in here. "Now while we wait I'm just gonna have you do a urine test. And I'm also gonna take your blood right now".
She rolls her cart in to take my blood and I can see my arm shake in nervousness as she gets enough viles.
"Okay perfect. Whenever you can just do the urine test and bring it up to the front", She smiles at me.
"Thank you", I nod and she leaves the room.
"Here want me to help you to the bathroom Case?", Cappie offers holding out his arm for me to hold onto, which I do, the test kit in one of my hands.
"I'm gonna go get some coffee while you're gone. Want one Cap?", Ash asks him as he gets me on my feet.
"Sure, thanks Ashleigh".
With Cappie's help I make it into the washroom with him and with his back turned to me I pee into the cup and quickly wash and rinse my hands.
Cappie helps me back to the room and onto the bed again.
"I'll take this to the front", Cappie takes the test bag and I nod.
I'm in here alone now and all I can do is hold onto my stomach and try not to cry.
"Please still be there", I say to my stomach, sadly.
I look up to see Cappie back, probably having caught me talking to her.
He brings his chair right beside my bedside and takes my hand.
"I know how scary this is, but I'm here Case. And, I don't know what you'd prefer but I can… call your parents since they're still in town? Or Rusty…?", He strokes my hand softly.
"No, no", I say right away, shaking my head. "Let's keep it just us. It'll be too stressful with them here. Not to mention…"
I look down, a tear falling from my eye.
"Not to mention that they'd probably be happy this is happening", I croak out.
"Case…", I look at his face, looking at me empathetically. "I'm sure they wouldn't. They want you to be happy. Everything's gonna be fine".
"We don't know that", I say.
"I know but… I just feel it", He says, the slightest semblance of a smile coming over his face.
"What, you're psychic now?", I scoff.
"No, but I just think that this was meant to happen, you and me meeting, you and me being together…. You getting pregnant. And I feel like we're supposed to have this baby Case", He says, determined.
"She could already be gone Cap", I let out a sob. "I don't think I'm bleeding anymore, but you saw how much was there on my bed…"
"We don't know that she's gone", He tries to assure me. "Maybe this type of thing is normal".
Ash walks in then handing a coffee cup to Cappie.
"Thanks", He nods.
"Don't thank me until you take a sip", Ashleigh crinkles her nose and I laugh slightly through my tears.
"Yeah… that's…", Cappie gives us both a look after trying his coffee. "Definitely interesting".
Me and Ash both laugh then, somehow still able to do so even in these circumstances. I'm crying and laughing at the same time.
I lay back then, my hand still rubbing my stomach, as if by keeping it on there I'm holding some sort of protection over her.
"Do you guys… think I did something wrong?", My voice cracks as I speak quietly.
"No of course not", Ash says immediately.
"Casey this isn't your fault, okay?", Cappie makes sure to meet my eyeline, his hand holding mine.
"Okay", I say quietly.
The curtain opens then and the three of us all jolt up, sitting upright.
"Hi Casey, I'm Dr. Fowler", the man says. "I'm the OB on staff tonight. These must be your friends?"
"Yeah this is the baby's dad, and my best friend", I gesture towards them, but I talk quickly, wanting to get the niceties out of the way so I can know whether or not my baby girl is okay. I had to know.
"Nice", He smiles at us. "Well the good news is that your blood and urine tests were both normal. Your level of HCG is still completely normal. You're 26 weeks?"
"Yeah 25 and 5 days", I clarify with a nod.
"Alright so your tests are still showing that you're pregnant. Now the unfortunate part about this type of thing is that it doesn't always mean that there is still a viable fetus, it just means that you haven't passed the baby. But the only thing that'll really tell us what's going on is an ultrasound", He tells us. "The baby could be totally fine in there or the pregnancy could be over but the fetus hasn't passed through on its own".
"Okay", I nod, unsure whether to be alarmed or feel at least some level of comfort that she's still in there, not trying to focus on the fact that she could still be dead inside me.
"I want you to know whatever happens we're all here for you", He turns the machine on and grabs the doppler. "I know how difficult this is".
I lift my top up, wanting to get to this right away.
"Now we're going to be searching for a heartbeat here, alright?", He says as he spreads the cold jelly across my stomach.
I look over to Cappie who's on my other side. I know he can probably tell how terrified I am just by the face I'm giving him. He just squeezes my hand, both his hands encompasses my one hand, holding it close to his body as we share the scariest moment of our lives.
I feel Dr. Fowler move the doppler all across my stomach and I'm just hoping to hear her heartbeat.
"Oh!", Dr. Fowler says and his face turns into a smile. "Here we go".
And there it is. Boom, boom, boom.
I let out what can only be described as a laugh and a scream at the same time.
It was the best sound I've ever heard in my life.
"Oh my god, she's okay?", I try to confirm through tears.
"Well everything looks good to me Ms. Cartwright", He smiles at us. "I'm so happy to have good news for you. Her heart is beating just fine".
"Oh thank god", Ash announces and she looks over at me smiling.
I turn to Cappie whose eyes are wet with fresh tears but a look of relief washes over him as he comes closer to me, putting his arm around my back.
"Why wasn't she moving then?", I ask, still worried.
"Well, I'm still gonna poke around here, try to get to the bottom of the bleeding", Dr. Fowler says and he moves the doppler all around my stomach and through my hips. "Oh here we go".
He pauses the screen and I lean forward, trying to see what he sees.
"Here's your ovary, it looks like you had a cyst burst", He explains. "A ruptured cyst can cause a lot of pain. We never can truly know why a cyst ruptures. Have you done anything different the past few days? An intense workout? Lifting or strenuous work?"
"Um… no not at all. I don't…", I try to think and then look at Cappie awkwardly, a thought coming to fruition in my mind and embarrassment overtakes me but I still feel like I should be honest with the doctor. "I uh… I did have sex for the first time since I found out I was pregnant".
I hate that I have to tell this doctor, this male doctor at that, about my sex life. But that's just my luck. I finally try to let myself be close to Cappie again and of course there's consequences.
"Alright… how recent was the last time you had vaginal sex?", He asks and I cringe at the embarrassing mess that is my life.
"Um", I look at Cappie who seems to share my level of awkwardness. And who also probably doesn't know what the hell an ovarian cyst is, much less that it could rupture. "Probably about 9 hours ago".
I cringe inside.
"Well that definitely could have been the cause. Ovarian cysts are often present and usually don't cause any problems but occasionally, and especially throughout pregnancy, they can become enlarged and even more sensitive. The movement and pressure from internal sexual activity can sometimes cause a cyst to rupture", He says and looks at my face and then to Cappie's face and he laughs slightly.
"I know this probably seems embarrassing", He says. "But trust me this is my job and I deal with this type of thing everyday, please do not be embarrassed. I'm just happy to give you good news. Your baby is totally fine. If she hasn't kicked it's probably just coincidence or she's reacting to your stress. And perhaps the cyst rupturing is causing her some stress too but now that it's ruptured the pain should go down by tomorrow. It's very rare that we have to operate on them so I don't think we have much cause to worry".
"Okay", I nod. "Thank you so much. I'm just… I can't even tell you how relieved I am".
"Of course. I can see how much you care about this baby", He smiles at me and Cappie. "You're young, you're healthy. I wouldn't worry".
"Okay, great", I smile then, finally able to take a breath, Cappie's hand squeezing my hand, reminding me that he was still holding it.
"Are you still in pain? These cysts rupturing can cause a great deal of pain. As much as people love to downplay women's issues, they can hurt as much as a heart attack", He explains.
"I'm still having really bad cramps and back pain and feeling sick but… I don't even care, I'm just happy she's okay", I tell him.
"Did you take anything for the pain before left home?", he asks.
"Just a Tylenol extra strength", I say.
"Alright I'm gonna have a nurse come in and give you a morphine shot, that should make you more comfortable. And I'm just going to take your temperature", He pulls out a thermometer which I put under my tongue until it dings. "Interesting, well you do have a slight fever".
I worry then.
"Is that okay?", I ask.
"It's normal to happen when a cyst ruptures. But because you're pregnant I'm going to suggest we admit you tonight. I would rather be safe than sorry. Just so we can monitor you and keep monitoring the baby. I would like you to feel some movement, just confirm that she's not in any distress. And I'd like to see your fever and pain go down before releasing you", He says.
"Okay", I nod. This was the best possible scenario. Even though I was going to have to stay here tonight, it was probably for the best. I felt better here since I didn't have an ultrasound machine at home and couldn't constantly make sure she was okay like I'd like to.
"Alright, a nurse will be back shortly to bring you to admit you and bring you to a different room. It was great to meet you, I'll likely see you shortly, I'll come back to check on you before my shift ends", He explains. "And the nurse will bring that morphine shot and hopefully you can get some sleep".
"Thanks so much", I sigh of relief. "You have no idea how happy I am".
"Yeah thank you Doctor", Cappie says with a nod.
"Of course. See you soon".
He's gone and then it's just the three of us sitting in silence. Me and Cappie sitting in the embarrassment of me basically having to come to the ER because we hooked up.
"Well I can now say I've put someone in the hospital with my sexual prowess", Cappie says with that joking look he gets. "That's a new one".
"Cappie", groan but all I can do is laugh.
I cover my face then, turning red.
"Case I'm just stuck on the fact that you said 9 hours ago", Ashleigh crosses her arms across her chest. "Which means you lied to me".
Cappie looks at me, confused.
"I know Ash… I'm sorry", I say. "I didn't want to tell you because I know how you feel about it".
"It's… it's okay Case", she smiles. "It doesn't matter now, all that matters is that the baby is okay. And that that was probably the most embarrassing moment you could possibly have".
We all laugh then, I think all of us happy to shake off our nervousness and fear. Because this whole thing was a false alarm. A fluke. Because I had never ever heard of this happening when I read my online pregnancy blogs and info.
"This would only happen to me", I groan.
"Yeah… this is kind of my fault, I'm sorry Case", Cappie says with a laugh and glint in his eye.
"It's… it's just something we're gonna have to hope we'll live down. And not something any of us are gonna tell my parents, okay?", I instruct both of them.
"Oh really? Because I was just about to call them up and tell them that because I had sex with their pregnant daughter twice in a 24 hour period I managed to knock a cyst loose inside her", Cappie says sarcastically, mocking me, and I roll my eyes at him but I'm still smiling, nothing really able to bring me down right now.
"You know what? Even though it's almost 4:30 in the morning, this whole thing has been worth it", Ash laughs then. "I'm gonna be able to hold this over the two of you forever and my goddaughter is just fine!"
"As long as no one tells her this happened when she's older", I say to them with a laugh, as I hold my stomach. "Promise?"
"Promise", they say together with a laugh.
Then the nurse comes in and we have to stifle our giggling.
"Hi hun, I'm here with your morphine shot", She says and boy am I excited for it because the cramps really were not letting up.
"Okay great", I nod and she comes over to inject the needle into my arm.
"Great. I'm so happy to hear that your baby is doing okay", She smiles at us.
"Aw thank you", I nod. "So are we".
"Well I'll be back shortly to take you down to your room", She smiles and gives us a wave.
"So do you guys think it would be totally out of the realm of possibilities if I just… didn't tell my parents this whole thing happened?", I ask them.
Cappie and Ashleigh look at each other then and then back to me and we laugh.