Historical quotes on the life and reign of Her Majesty, Charlotte Magne I.

By Adonisus

Being that it pleases Her Majesty, Charlotte I, ruler of the Underworld and all of it's realms seen and unseen, and her consort, Vagatha Magne, faithful companion and executor of Her will, I hereby swear that all words that are recorded forthwith are true, and that they have been recorded with the utmost accuracy, and with the permission of those quoted herein, and that each reflects the opinion of those individuals thus quoted.

Furthermore, I hereby amend this document with my own thoughts towards Her Majesty, may her reign be long, as She in her great wisdom and compassion had so desired the true opinions and free thought of her subjects, for whom she wishes good cheer and redemption. After having taken the throne due to the retirement of her Father, Lucifer Magne, and her Mother, Queen Lilith Magne from court life, Her Highness has during her reign managed to accomplish that which no other individual in Hell had: She hath, with the greatest compassion and resolve, upturned the rules that had reigned supreme in Hell for generation upon generation, and indeed hath remade the relationship between the various Realms of the Afterlife.

It is with this admiration, and with the duty bequeathed to me, that I hereby set my pen to paper, and record the following for all future generations to learn and experience.

Signed,

Adonisus, Chronicler and Scholar.

:INTUS AUTEM OMNE DAEMONIUM SIT IN SIGNUM FOEDERIS:

"I have to tell you that, at first, absolutely no-one really believed in her. You must understand that in those days, 'respect' was not really an operative concept for any of us. Existence in old Hell was one that prioritized indulgence, power, narcissism...things like 'charity' and 'kindness' were simply not a factor. If anything, the closest thing to respect that we ever experienced was one simply born of fear: we feared His Highness and His Queen, because we knew of just how powerful they were not just as individuals, but as a collective unit. Yet, the fact that their firstborn inherited much of their power did not seem to enter our heads. She was completely unlike us, in many ways.

I still remember when she came on to our set. It had been the afternoon after an Extermination, and we had been struggling to fill a timeslot because our regular guest at that point was not available, so our producer suggested Her Highness, as she had been pestering him with phone-calls and text messages and he frankly wanted her out of his hair. My colleague at the time, Katie, absolutely detested her as weak, wishy-washy and beneath her.

Then Her Highness made her pitch. I was witnessing history being made, and I had no idea."

-Thomas Trench, former cohost of 666 News

"I don't think I was ever more nervous in my entire afterlife then that day. Me and Charlie had been planning this thing for weeks. I honestly wasn't entirely sure if I believed in it myself. The idea that Sinners could not only be redeemed, but would actively WANT to be redeemed...let's just say I was suspicious.

We had rehearsed everything, right down to the last detail. I tried to prepare the stage for her: I made sure her bowtie was on straight, that her tuxedo was perfectly pressed and lint-free, and I made sure that her two servants were on standby in case she needed it.

Most of all, I told her that there was one thing she absolutely couldn't do: no singing. Charlie always had a beautiful singing voice, but as I told her then: Life isn't a musical.

Eventually, she agreed. Not only that, but in her own special way she assured me she would only be relying on her 'impeccable improv skills'.

I remember watching her walk onto the set to speak with Katie Killjoy. I had to hug myself to keep from shaking, I was so nervous…"

- Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

"Honestly? I have no idea why I was the one she decided to choose first. Not even all these years later, I still got no clue what she saw in me. A lot of that stuff is still hazy for me. I was so deep into drugs that I spent much of my time in a purple haze.

There were also the trust issues. I mean, what would you do if a couple of broads suddenly rolled up on you in a limo, gave you a shit-ton of cash, and said they wanted you to live rent-free at their place? Especially at a freakin' hotel! I'd turned enough tricks to smell bullshit when I sensed it, and that's what my nostrils were full of then (and other things, let's be honest).

I don't think I really understood it then: the idea that someone could do something for you and not really want anything in return. I'd been used so many times, by so many people I thought I could trust before...I didn't know it was possible that you could do something like that for someone.

She saw something in me I couldn't see in myself. She gave me something I never experienced, in life or in death.

She gave me hope."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"Even after she had been given a verbal dressing down by Katie Killjoy, Charlie still wasn't effected. She's surprisingly durable like that, and strong...far stronger than anyone gave her credit for.

What did Katie say? Honestly, I've forgotten most of it. All I do remember is she made some slight about me and Charlie's relationship...something about 'not touching the gays'. I actually find it kind of funny now, because even after all of that she was practically pawing and poking at Charlie's breasts just to demean her even further.

But once she was given the chance to make her pitch, it went off almost without a hitch. The problem, though, was that she simply wasn't getting through to people. Old Hell was a cesspool of cynicism.

Then she did the one thing I told her not to do.

She sang.

She sang her heart out, she sang with every fiber of her being.

I almost fell in love with her all over again.

It was, of course, a total failure."

-Vagatha Magne, Royal Consort.

"As you can probably imagine, her pitch didn't really hit with the kind of response she was hoping for. Her Highness is an eternal optimist, but multiple lifetimes in old Hell would turn any person into a cynical nihilist. I basically shrank into my chair with embarrassment. I was blushing pretty hard (not that anyone could tell, with the mask and all). Katie started laughing so hard that she nearly killed herself a second time. Eventually everyone else in the studio followed suit. The only two people that weren't laughing was Her Highness herself, and the future consort.

One of our cameramen actually called her a 'stupid bitch'. He was rewarded with a solid left-hook to the face from the future consort.

Her highness, for her part, had practically gone fetal on the desk. Katie kept ridiculing the whole idea. After all, why would anyone in old Hell 'be good just because'? Man, how things change…

But what made it even more unbelievable, at least to us, was who she had chosen as her first patron. He was already quite famous back then and, to be sure, he wasn't exactly on anyone's list for someone that could be considered redeemable."

-Thomas Trench, former cohost of 666 News

"Oh yeah, I really had a reputation back then. Part of it was simply due to me just trying to be me. You gotta realize that, when I was alive, being gay was something that just wasn't done. Now, I'll grant ya that even then I didn't really give a shit, because by then I was so deep into the junk that I was turning tricks along with all of the mob shit my family was doing. When I ended up in old Hell, I knew I needed to do two things: get stronger so I could survive, and party like I was already dead.

So yeah, I ended up doin' porn. Lots of it. So much of it I got famous. But I still ended up having to turn tricks, because my boss….well, I don't really wanna talk about him right now…"

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'.

It is at this point that this humble scholar feels compelled to interject for a moment, and to explain some idiosyncratic aspects of life in old Hell that many contemporary and future readers may not understand, for in some cases many readers will only have known about these through historical records.

At this point in time, early in Her Highness's story, Hell was subject to an annual depopulation purge known contemporaneously as 'The Cleansing', but historians now refer to 'Exterminations'. These brutal events were undertaken by a large number of Heavenly death squads, whom were then armed with weapons that were capable of killing and permanently erasing a Sinner (or any other life form in old Hell). I do not wish to further weight down this document with descriptions of the Exterminations, as other and much more thorough texts have expounded on the nature of the Exterminations (and Her Highness's efforts in bringing them to an end).

I will, however, mention that this particular Extermination had been a particularly brutal one, with a higher than usual body count. It was also the last Extermination to happen before Her Highness's project began in earnest. As Her Majesty's consort explained:

"Charlie had lived through a lot of Exterminations. But this one in particular...it really effected her. I knew that she could get depressed when the annual purges came around every year, but this one…

I have to tell you, I don't think I've ever seen her more heart-broken. The girl was crying her eyes out at the chaos that was happening on the streets below her. Worst yet, it was her duty that year to give the signal that marked the end of the Extermination.

I watched her slowly walk out on the balcony, and fire the signal light, with tears streaming down her face.

I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around her, to tell her that everything was going to be fine. That she wasn't at fault for any of this. That this was something that had been happening long before she was even born.

But what can you say to someone who wants so desperately to give her people a chance...and almost none of those people even seemed to care?"

A side effect of these annual Exterminations, was that due to it's indiscriminate nature, Hell's leadership was often in flux. This meant that every year, new territory would become available for the taking.

This resulted in the other major point I must explain: turf wars. Modern and future readers will perhaps be perplexed at such conflicts, or the sheer violence that could erupt from them, or even the reasons why some believed a few extra city blocks were worth shedding blood over.

And yet, old Hell was filled with Sinners, with numerous personal reasons, who did just that. The first weeks after an Extermination were always dotted with chaotic turf wars that annihilated thousands (metaphorically speaking, of course). The one that our speakers are about to describe would prove to have much historical implications. For one thing, it took place almost immediately after what would prove to be one of the last Exterminations in old Hell's history. Furthermore, it very nearly destroyed Her Highness's project before it even began.

But most importantly of all: It showed that many of Hell's denizens could in fact be redeemed.

"My boss had me turning tricks that night, for reasons that I still can't fathom. I wasn't even planning on going out until the following morning, after shit had calmed down. But then I get a text from the boss man telling me I needed to get my ass out on the street and start making cash.

So yeah, I had just finished a job with a client and was looking to get some drugs from one of the vending machines...but when I got a bag of PCP, this little shit in a hoodie runs by and snatches it from my hand!

He didn't get very far, though…."

-Anthony, former known as 'Angel Dust'.

"Oh yeah, I watched the whole fucking thing happen. I was a soup peddler back then, ya see. I had this cart that I pushed down the West Side in order to catch the munchie rush. I didn't normally go out there that late in the evening after an Extermination, but I needed the money. I mean, my rent was due and I really didn't want to have to blow the landlord again.

But then I look up, and you know what I see? A fucking blimp. A giant, black, fucking blimp. Puttering along in the sky.

Then that thing started shooting laser beams and shit down at the street.

So at that point, I decided to duck my cart into an alley and hide my ass in a trashcan.

I mean, I had to deal with bombing runs when I was in Korea, but this? This was just a big bucket of 'nope'!"

-Crol, master chef for Her Highness's court.

"Turf wars weren't anything unusual back then, but there was usually a day or two before they started up in earnest. This one started mere hours after the Exterminators had left, and furthermore it was fairly close to where the Hotel was located.

There were two Sinners who were responsible for causing the one everybody remembers. The first was Sir Pentious. Pentious was this wannabe mad scientist type who had delusions about being some kind of super villain. The problem was that his ego out-sized any real skill that he had. Oh sure, he could build a dirigible or whatever, but his actual combat skills were laughable. He even had an army of personal minions that he had created just for this purpose.

The other Sinner, however, was Cherri Bomb.

That's the reason Angel Du-….sorry, that's the reason Anthony got involved."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

"What can I say? Some shit needed to be blown up. Valentino controlled a great deal of the West Side, and he hurt a lot of people. Especially my Angie. What he did to him was unforgivable. But I knew that the only way you could actually stand up to Overlords was to carve out your share of territory. You needed turf, and you needed the means to defend that turf.

So I decided to carve out some turf.

But then this cobra shit-weasel starts bringing his Frankenstein wannabe ass onto my street, getting all of his little eggboi minions to wreck the place. If anybody was going to wreck shit, it was gonna be me!"

-Cherri Bomb

"With just the worst timing imaginable, me and Katie suddenly got word from our producer that someone had joined Cherri. Katie pushed Her Highness aside….I mean literally, she shoved her off of the desk and out of the focus of the camera!

Our producer then cut to the live-feed outside of the studio, the one that was focused over on the city's west side...and there he was. Angel Dust was right next to Cherri, helping her toss grenades across the street. They'd actually built a barricade out of rubble, and she was lobbing them directly at Sir Pentious, with Angel firing over the top with a machine gun.

No, I have no idea where he was carrying it. I don't think he remembers, either."

-Thomas Trench, former cohost of 666 News.

"Angie just happened to have been on the West Side when Pentious decided to poke his scaley ass into where he wasn't wanted. One minute I'm pinned behind some rubble, and then out of nowhere he shows up waving that Tommy Gun of his and screaming "I'm a baaaaad person!".

I didn't really get the significance at the time, but I decided to roll with it. I needed the backup, and besides: He brought a bazooka with him!

No, I don't know where he was carrying it. I don't think he remembers either."

-Cherri Bomb

"I was thirsty for some action. I mean, I needed it bad. By that point, I'd been staying at Charlie's Hotel for a couple of weeks. I'd tried abiding by their rules: No violence, no drugs, and no antisocial behavior.

Anyway, you know what they say about quitting cold turkey, right? Yeah, that's kind of how I ended up. I'd basically been dry for fourteen days straight. I did sneak a little coke on the side, but other than that I'd been clean (and in hindsight, that little bit of blow was probably what kept me from completely relapsing).

So yeah, when I see my best gal pal getting pinned by this scratchy voiced (if really handsome) cobra dressed like the fuckin' Babadook, you bet you ass I was gonna get involved! That girl was probably the only other person in old Hell who could actually sympathize with my situation. She had actually stood up to my old boss, even blowing the crap out a few of his establishments in my behalf. If that ain't friendship, I dunno what is.

It probably wouldn't surprise you to know that she ended up joining me in the Hotel later on. Pentious would get there later.

Huh? You wanna know where I was carrying my guns? Fuck if I remember. Pretty sure I had them stashed all over the city. Or something like that. I was high as fuck at the time, what do you want from me?"

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'.

"I watched that footage again recently. I've re-watched it dozens of times over the last few decades. I sometimes screen it for younger souls when trying to show people what Old Hell was like back then...you know, all of the chaos and violence.

But I digress: There's this one moment in the footage I always pause on. It's right around the point where Pentious was lobbing insults at Cherri and Angel Dust. While they're all screaming at each other, one of Pentious's eggboi minions had managed to sneak up behind Cherri Bomb with a tentacle gun (or at least that's what I think it's called). He had the thing aimed directly at her back and was just about to pull the trigger.

And you know what Angel….I'm sorry, I keep forgetting…

You know what Anthony does?

He pushes Cherri away.

No, I don't mean that he pushed her into the gun's line of sight, or that he uses her as a shield.

He actually pushed her out of harm's way!

I remember when I finally got a chance to watch the complete footage, uninterrupted, a few weeks later. I remember thinking: 'That's it. That's what Her Highness has been looking for.'

Because this guy...this Sinner who we had only ever seen as a drug-swilling whore…. had actually put himself at risk in order to push someone he cared about away from danger.

It would be years until the significance of it really hit me, or anyone else.

Certainly not Katie, since she was preoccupied with mocking her Highness.

….I was also engulfed in flames at some point. I'm not terribly sure how that happened."

-Thomas Trench, former co-host of 666 News.

"A lot of what followed...at least, up until we were back in the limo...a lot of that is kind of a blur.

But basically, the events sort of go like this: As soon as the camera was on Anthony throwing a grenade, Charlie's eyes kind of glazed over. Killjoy was cackling like a hyena because she thought she'd gotten the last word on the whole thing. This was our chance to make our case, and in just a few minutes it looked like Anthony had completely sunk the entire deal before it had even started.

But here was Killjoy's mistake….actually, scratch that- This was pretty much everyone's mistake...everyone who had mistook Charlie's friendliness and generosity for weakness: Don't ever make Charlie angry."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

"Fuck yeah I saw it go down! I was in the audience when Her Highness did her whole song and dance routine. But after Angel Dust was shown on camera tossing around bombs in a turf war, it looked like that ship had sunk. Killjoy was laughing like crazy, even singing about 'ratings' in this horrible falsetto (bitch never did musical theater, and you could tell). Thing is, Her Highness ain't one to screw with. She swiped Killjoy's pen and waved it in her face.

Then the emergency lights went on, and someone lit Tom Trench on fire. No idea who, though.

But fuck me if it wasn't hilarious!"

-Blitzo, Imp entrepreneur.

"Katie always had a hair trigger temper, and Her Highness pulled it. Katie was a bully, and she didn't like it when people stood up to her. Her Highness swiped her pen and said (and I remember this part in exact detail) 'Well, how does it fell that I have your pen, huh? Bitch?!'.

That did it. Katie blew a gasket, and I ran and hid. I'd been on the business end of Katie's anger before, so I wasn't going to get caught in the crossfire.

In an instant they were both beating the absolute crap out of each other. Katie actually had a tough time of it, because again: this is the daughter of Lucifer we're talking about: She may be nice, but she isn't a pushover. That seemed to have been a common pattern with all of the people who tried to challenge her: They always forgot how strong Her Highness actually is...it's just that she didn't flaunt it.

Of course, I don't remember the exact details of the fight, what with me being on fire and screaming for help the whole time. Pretty sure I just passed out and didn't wake up until the next day.

I was basically covered in bandages for the next month. Katie kept making mummy jokes."

-Thomas Trench, former co-anchor of 666 News

"….Yeah, they weren't particularly happy with me at that moment."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'.

It seemed, my dear reader, that Her Highness's grand project had been permanently handicapped before it had began in earnest. We know, of course, in this era that this undertaking would not only succeed, but wildly so, surpassing even Her Highness's expectations. So much so that the eons-long balance of power, and the weight of Celestial Justice, would be turned on its head. It would go on to revolutionize not only the Infernal Realms, but all other Realms seen and unseen.

But in that moment, by dearest reader, it seemed all for naught. As Her Highness, the future consort, and the Sinner known as 'Angel Dust' rode Her Highness's automobile into the night, none of them realized exactly what they were to encounter, or the Great Work that they were to undertake. A work that would involve rivalries with Overlords, machinations in the Goetic Aristrocracy, the Royal family themselves….and a certain gentleman with a charming grin, and frightening power.

But alas, that is for our next chapter.

So it is with these words that, for now, I put down my pen.

-Adonisus