A dusty old cupboard. An item that carried a legend. Roger approached it.
It was a teddy bear that glowed. He took it to Stan. Stan took it to CIA HQ where he deposited it somewhere.
Haylee had just started college. Steve dissapeared. Francine was chilling out smoking Marlboros.
Actually, she was smoking Camels and pretending they were Marlboros.
Later...
Emma Washburn looked outside the window of the local coffee shop. She was a college girl who came to the US from
the UK. She had blonde hair and green eyes, she was about twenty one years of age, and an
avid punk rock fan just as Haylee was, though she did occasionally listen to the Beatles and other things. She believed she could channel spirits and
enter altered states. She would talk to Haylee over Skype now and then. She was told Haylee was going to meet her at the shop
but noticed she was late. She then saw the reason why as Stan's Ford F-150 was skidding and sliding out of control along
the rainy road.
"I'm gonna miss my meeting with Emma at the coffee shop! Why are you driving like this?" shouted Haylee.
"Uhh-just gotta put some music on" said Stan, as he nervously flipped through various FM stations before
stopping on the song "I am the Walrus" being played on WTF-180.
"What the heck is all this about?" asked Haylee.
"No time to explain," replied Stan as he drove even faster.
"You've been like this ever since we had to bury BishBoosh. I didn't think you cared about animals that much" said Hayle
"He was the greatest parrot who ever lived, don't deny it. Keep raising hell about that parrot and we just
might have to bury Jeff" declared Stan.
"HUH? What did you say?" asked Haylee.
"Uhhh-on this next intersection I gotta make a left. Hey look at that guy dressed up like a walrus!" said
Stan, pointing to a strange mime. He then flipped to the song "Angel Eyes" by Abba.
Haylee began staring into the eyes of the mime.
"Uhhh-yeah that's good. Keep staring at that walrus guy while I fill up the gas tank" said Stan, stopping
at a gas station. Haylee suddenly began truly wondering just what was going on but she saw some sparkly lights
and fell into a deep sleep. When she woke up, Stan was back in the drivers seat and he was pulling into
the CIA Headquarters.
"Dad? What's this all got to do with Marmelade?" asked Haylee.
"Absolutely nothing, fudge kitten. Look, it's time I explained what's going on. Over a long period of time
I've been unable to involve myself in 'Bring your Daughter to Work Day' and now I'm finally
going to show you what happens at my job. That's literally all it is.
Oh, I also wanted to show you our new artificial intelligence time machine based on ChatGPT" explained Stan.
Later that day...
Stan uses his Above Top Secret Clearance card and clears entry to the main computer hall.
"This is where the CIA keeps its sharks with laser beams, advanced technology, communications,
robot spies, everything we keep the public in the dark about" said Stan.
"Wow, it looks like one big giant warehouse" said Haylee.
Stan, with one arm around his daughter, pointed at the giant computer in the middle of the area hooked up to the floor
and ceiling that seemed to be relaying information all across the entire building infrastructure.
"That is our newest experiment. It will allow the transfer of human beings from one alternate version
of reality to another. It doubles as an espresso machine and a temporal time flux generator. It even
tells Mother Goose stories, in addition to helping people get to where they need to go. I guess what's good for the goose
is good for the gander. Ahuh-huh-hah!" said Stan.
"There's fifteen geese flying out of that portal" said Haylee.
"Yeah, that's cuz I mentioned geese. Anything I think of becomes real, all based on a highly sophisticated
algorithm on what Youtube videos I watch and also what I tend to talk about. This creates alternate realities
the same way suggestions and advertisements appear on feeds based on your actions, words, deeds and thoughts.
The most unique artificial intelligence ever created-it's like Google Adsense but interdimensional and it might just save
us from entering very dark realities, like the April Eighth Eclipse, nuclear war-or realities where your brother exists" said Stan.
"Are you like-supposed to even be showing me this?" asked Haylee.
"Uhh-well, actually...no" replied Stan.
"So why are you showing me?" asked Stan.
"I felt compelled to. I'm not even sure why. You know Bullock and I have been taking this new allergy medication Gunkarex,
it seems to affect Bullock worse than me. It's based on the exact formula that keeps our current
president so cognitively sharp and infallible!" said Stan.
"What?" asked Haylee.
"Yeah, so I'm gonna let Sergai from the KGB moniter this machine for a bit. What's it doing now, comrade?" asked Stan.
"It's telling me that I should proobably assassinate Jeff" said Sergai.
"He means some other Jeff-trust me" said Stan, giving Haylee a nervous thumbs up.
"So what did you say the head of the CIA is using?" asked Haylee.
"Oh, some new experimental allergy program. It's safe, trust me" said Stan, giving Haylee yet another reluctant and nervous thumbs-up.
Scene cuts to Bullock playing with legos and racing hotwheels cars:
"HA! And again, HA! Moles, spies, infiltrators who bloody gives a damn?
Gunkarex rules. I don't have to worry about anything, hahaha! Thermonuclear war, what's that?
Let's just all die in a big bloody war for no real reason! Invade BuckoYookoStan NOW! HAHAHA!" shouted Bullock.
Meanwhile...
"So Haylee, I've become almost as fit as Tom Cruise and I've decided I'm just gonna jump in that portal and let you sort things out" said Stan,
as he pretended to be on a diving board and dove headfirst into the portal after doing eight backflips.
"What? What did he just-do? I guess I'd better jump in there" concluded Haylee. But just as she was about to hop into the portal,
Stan came out with a cane and a top hat singing a song.
"COME ON OVER TO THE M&M'S SIDE! Ohhhhhhh, come on over to the M & M's side!" sang Stan.
"I may be a millenial, but having lots of access to Youtube even I know that's actually
a cigarette commercial for L&M's smokes" said Haylee.
"Shut up, Haylee. It's not fresh-it's FRESCHETTA!" shouted Stan in a deep and bold tone.
"More like it's not delivery, it's Digerno? Not sure I'm digging this new CIA program, Dad" said Haylee.
Roger walked into the room, eating a tootsipop.
"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsipop? Nine hundred million, I lost count at eighty
and then divided the moon by zero. OH my god, Hayleekins what is your father doing?" asked Roger.
"He apparently entered another dimension through that big machine and he's reciting commercials
that don't exist in OUR dimension" replied Haylee.
"So it's like the Musk Mellon effect?" asked Roger.
"The Musk Mellon effect?" asked Haylee.
"Yeah, so on my planet one day everyone thought that musk mellons imported from your planet were banned
due to the fact us Greys can get very very very high on them. Like super high. Anyway, I digress. The whole
thing turned out to be fake news Pleadian propaganda but no one can find the proof it was fake news so to this day people
wonder what really happened" explained Roger.
"So it's like the Mandella Effect" replied Haylee.
"Huh?" asked Roger.
"Everyone thought that Nelson Mandela died in prison but he didn't! My planet's version of your musk mellon effect" replied Haylee.
"YOU PEOPLE! I'm going back in. But no one else can enter" said Stan, nosediving back into the portal gracefully.
"Okay so come clean. Just how much crack is your dad doing?" said Roger.
"He uhh...did steal an awful lot from Bunter Gliden" replied Haylee.
Haylee attempted to jump into the portal and she simply got electrically zapped.
"You look kinda cute when you're flashing. You know-flashing electrical sparks, not THAT kind of flashing" said Roger.
Later...
"We've got to figure out how to get into that portal before the CIA kills us for being in here" shouted Roger.
"I'm kinda feeling like putting on some music" said Haylee.
"What is wrong with you? It's like you're in some other zone!" shouted Roger.
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a lame song-and make it raaaa-uh-uhaad. As in rad!
Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better!" sang Haylee.
"You look like you're thinking about someone. Let WHO into your heart? I'm getting seriously
fucked in my juniper jenarious right now" said Roger. He continued where Haylee
left off, "Hey jude, don't be so rude, won't you please just show us a boo-AAAACK! My foot!"
"Same song different chorus It's stupid, contagious to be broke and famous
Can someone please save us from punk rock 101!" sang Haylee.
"I got some troubles, but they can pass, just for now I'll lay down my ass,
and pick my nose just for fun cuz I'm in boog boog boog, boog boog boog boog booger town!" sang Roger.
"I went back to Ohiioooo, but mah city was gooooone" sang Haylee.
then flipped to "Two of Hearts" by Stacey Q.
We join Stan:
"Heyyy, I love this dimension! I get to enter the bedrooms of every couple having sex to make sure
they're NOT using condoms! Hey, how's it going newlyweds? Just thought I'd drop in, you know join in
the fun. What? You're not into threesomes? What kind of monstrous values are you promoting? Is the wild sex hippie stuff too 'boomer liberal'
or what? I thought you guys liked it when government guys screwed you anyway, they do it all the time!" said Stan, as the couple shrieked.
Let's not join Stan, let's join Emma Washburn instead:
"Now that I've made my Formula One picks, I really do feel like putting on some music" said Emma,
as she tuned the dial of her portable radio to WTF-180. She began playing "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles and
"Two hearts that beat as one. Oh, Haylee, I hope you'll say yes when I invite you over to a tank girl tupperware party" said Emma.
Meanwhile back with Roger and Haylee:
"Hey, we finally cracked the portal open" shouted Haylee.
"I had to throw all my best Beatles albums in there, including the ones
that proved Paul died in 1820" said Roger.
"Wouldn't that be 1966? That's actually true by the way the 1966 death, Stan has the documents" said Haylee.
"No, these records are VERY rare and they prove that Paul died in 1820. Hey wait-this one must have come out
of the portal to begin with. It was just lying around in my attic. I think you NEED something FROM one of the alternate
realities created by the portal in order to get it functioning" concluded Roger.
"How did Dad get in?" asked Haylee.
"Stan's always been from an alternate reality" replied Roger.
Roger and Haylee jumped into the portal.
They entered a world where they saw nothing but a giant city made of huge crystal skyscrapers, and monuments of a giant green duck with a crown.
"ROYAL DUCK DIMENSION, state your purpose" shouted a guard who was part human part duck.
"We're just tourists, and we'd like to sample some wares" said Roger. "Also I just happen to find ducks very attractive" he added.
Haylee eyed Roger suspiciously, as did the guards.
"ROYAL DUCK COIN?" asked the guards.
"Wha?" asked Roger and Haylee in unison.
"Ye are not bros? BECOME A BRO. Buy royal duck coin before entering this realm" stated the guards.
"Blehhhhhh. NEEEEHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Roger, making strange sounds and flapping his arms like a bird, while
bulging his eyeballs out of his head until they fell on the ground and he grew new ones out of some stalks that formed.
"What are you doing?" asked one of the guards.
"That was but a taste of my fury" said Roger, brushing dust off of his fat butt and feet. "Do you yield?" he asked.
"We do not" stated the guards, as they carried Haylee and Roger away and presented him to the King at his castle.
The King was Stan. He was wearing nothing but a shirt with a duck on it, a fake robe from Walmart and a weird Fischer Price crown.
"HAIL TO THE FUTURE! This is the future. We all live in peace here, but to do so we use the mighty Duck. You Roger are
are an experimental crash test chimp that was attempted to be sent into space and you crashed in the desert. And you Haylee,
I don't remember you I think you're some college girl or something. But you must respect the duck" said Stan.
"What's his name?" asked Haylee.
"HOWARD THE DUCK. Do not forget. Believe in howard the duck. You entered his gracious kingdom without a duck coin" said Stan. "MINE ONE!" he added, giving Roger and Haylee some shovels
and ordering them to the duck coin mining cave.
minutes later...
"Oh boy, so we're slaves now" said Roger, as he attempted to shovel up some duck.
"Not necessarily, Dad said we only needed one to be welcomed here" replied Haylee.
"Hey, there's one now" said Roger.
They took the coin back to Stan the King.
"Excellent work," shouted Stan in an unusually authoritative tone. "You have now granted yourself access to the
land of milk and honey. PRESENT THE TAPE!" shouted Stan.
"Tape? What tape? I got off tape years ago it gave me brain zaps. And I need bananas right now or I'm gonna lose my mind. Hello? Hungry monkey here!" said Roger.
"NO. The tape! Bullock has it. He's hiding behind my throne. Tackle him to the ground and retrieve the tape
and ye shall become my new guards" commanded Stan.
So Haylee and Roger tackled Bullock to the ground but Roger and Haylee had trouble getting it out of his grasp.
"JUST WHAT IS ON THIS THING THAT IS SO SACRED TO YOU?" shouted Roger.
"It's uhh-nothing really" replied Bullock.
"You're gonna give us this tape if it's the last thing you do" said Roger.
"Am I on this tape? Is that it?" asked Haylee. Bullock turned red and blushed.
"Oh my god, oh my god" said Roger after popping it into the royal VCR.
"What the heck?" asked Haylee, looking at Bullock after glancing at the tape briefly.
Bullock began speaking:
"I came here as a rebel force to take down Stan, your royal father. He chased me down
and I was a fugitive all because I opposed Duck Coin and much prefer fiat money as it's
part of the CIA's goal to preserve it. I tried so hard to stop your father from going rogue
into this ducky business but he insisted on it. So in order to prevent this dimension
from ever seeping into the real world I brainwashed Haylee and her online best friend Emma Washburn and sent them
into trances, not knowing where they really were or what they were doing. God, or Satan, or elves
or something that sounded super legit told me that the only way to save your world from
the decentralized Duck Coin that would eventually become the centralized coin of the world
was to create a lesbian porn tape out of thin air using nothing but music and thoughts, disguising
what was actually going on between you two. Yes, you and Emma were having lesbian sex the entire time,and then I was going to take this tape into the real world, plaster a duck coin on it and BURN IT as an offering to the baby owl on my new allergy medication. It's how the CIA does things.
Bye for now, you win, enjoy Duckland, I lose" said Bullock, as the guards hauled him away.
"OHHHHHHHHHH everybody loves to be a duck! Cuz a duck has such good luck! Yeeeeaaaaah!" shouted Roger, as he broke into song.
Pretty soon Stan, Haylee and everyone else did as well to celebrate Duckland, and the eventual death of Steve.
To be continued...
Preview of next scene:
Roger and Haylee are flipping dials on a radio and hear an alternate Star Wars version of Material Girl by Madonna
in a parralel universe:
Imperial Girl:
Sung by Mara Jade
Lyrics:
Some boys fly ships, others kiss lips
I think they're okay.
If they don't have stormtrooper helmets?
Got to run away.
They can hide and they can flee,
but they'll soon see the light.
Cuz the rebels soon will realize might is always right.
Cuz we are living in an imperial world-and I am an imperial girl.
You knoooww that we are living in an imperial world and I am an imperial girl.
Living in an imperial world, and I am an imperial girl
you knowwwwww that we are living in an imperial world and I am an imperial girl.
Living in an imperial world,
Living in an imperial world-Imperial! Imperiaaal!
If rebels come to try and please me, I send them away,
only boys in stormtroop outfits live to see the daaaay.
There's Han Solo and there's Luke and they're alright with me,
If they don't help unleash my dark side?
Zap em dead with glee. (She fires a ray gun from her hip)
Cuz we are liiiviing in an imperial world, and I am an imperial girl
Ya knowwww that we are living in an imperial world, and I am an imperial girl.
Some boys fly and though they try, I do not let them play.
No way!
If they don't rule nine thousand planets?
Might as well be gay.
Cuz everybody's liiiiving in an imperial world, and I am an imperial girl.
Living in an imperial world-IMPERIAL!
Dooo dooooo dooo doo doo doo doo-
robot lifts up her skirt and slaps her
OH! Ow!
Living in an imperial world!
Living in an imperial world,
Living in an imperial world.
Boys with badges boys with helmets set my dark side free,
only boys with polished ray guns make me wanna squeeee!
Living in an imperial world,
living in an imperial world
IMPERIAL!
Underfunded rebel ragtags don't have much fun you seeee,
they couldn't fly me to Tosche Station,
just to take a peeeee!
Eewok ears and eewok shears, they keep me toasty warm,
I'll be up in my space palace, while you watch Jawa porn.
IMPERIAL!