RYOMEN SUKUNA WINS BY DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

"Tch, come on…"

X. Fester stared at her phone silently as the blue light illuminating her face made her look more pallid than usual, thumb occasionally swiping upward once, twice, thrice. What the fuck was taking Myamura so long, Jesus Christ…! Was it another holiday in Japan? Did the leaker's house explode? Did the cops finally catch him?

The author sighed, leaning back on her blue lounge chair and rubbing their eyes. Why is she even bothering at this point…? It's ass-o-clock in the morning and she's gonna wake up feeling like shit, but then again what was she really going to do tomorrow? Sit around, play Fortnite, and put off finishing her job applications? Put off another fic?

Fuck, not like anything changes at this point, their inner voice snarked. Sukuna will probably kill someone off and then the next random will line up because the editors need this shit to continue so they can rake in the big bucks. Why am I even bothering to check for leaks at this point? It felt like every time she read, she just got more frustrated. This is so stupid…

Her mind turned to Sukuna, and their lips pulled back into a sneer. What a waste of an interesting design and powerset… The author shook her head, shutting her eyes tight. Better not get started on that particular thought train tonight.

She scrolled through her socials for a few moments, blinking slowly. Nothing interesting, just people trying to hype themselves up for the leaks, whenever that'll drop. The author huffed, rubbing at her eyes. The lids felt heavy, and her body was practically begging her to throw in the towel already. And she would.

Before X. Fester shut off her computer for the night, she heard a familiar 'ding' noise from her Outlook client, and she clicked on the tab. Looking over at her email, her dark eyebrows furrowed, and one of her long hands moved to her mouth.

From: donnau27390

To: xfester

Subject: Your Entry

Dear X. Fester,

We received your entry for our contest and we are excited to announce that you have been officially selected to participate! Further instructions will be given to you when the time comes tomorrow.

Best of luck!

Man, these spam emails are getting weird and to the point now. What contest? What did she even win? She huffed, rubbing her face once before quickly marking the email as spam. Best not to think about it and get on with her night…

And with that, the strange email left her mind, and she quickly went to bed…

…

…

"...Hey."

A man's voice. X. Fester grumbled and turned away from it. Fuck, why was her pillow suddenly gone? It felt like she was lying on the bare floor. Why was she wearing her hoodie and sweatpants? And… did she leave the lights on last night and not notice? How?

"Hey, get up!"

Someone's hands shoved at her shoulder, and she tried to bat it away, but her hand just weakly fell back to her side. Slowly, she opened her eyes, before sitting straight up and scrabbling to her feet.

She was in an empty room, one with mirrors all along the walls and a hardwood floor. Directly behind her was a man with dyed teal hair, who had stepped back, staring at her with wide eyes. He was blindingly handsome, kinda like the sun in that you couldn't look directly at him without being punished for such a disgraceful action, but a few inches shorter than her, which wasn't completely unusual.

"Who…?" X. Fester started, blinking her eyes quickly. Strangely, she began to notice how her vision seemed almost enhanced. Sure, she's always had pretty good sight, but it felt like she could look almost completely behind her without having to crane her neck. Doing that made her head throb, so she tried to focus on what was in front of her.

"I should be the one asking you that!" The man exclaimed, his hand reaching behind him to grip onto the wall. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"I…I don't know!" She exclaimed, holding her hands up in surrender. "I swear I went to bed in my room! Where even is this?!"

"Uh, the practice room at Sammy's Entertainment?"

Sammys Entertainment, that name was familiar… Her memory quickly drudged up a few facts. It was a record label with quite a few successful idol groups under its wing, which makes sense judging by the well-kempt and handsome appearance of the man in front of her…

…Located in Tokyo, Japan.

"WHAT?" She exclaimed, turning to face the man, who stepped back so fast he almost stumbled. "How?!"

"I-I really don't know!" The man shouted, clutching onto the wall for dear life. "I walked in, and you were just lying here. Like you were dead or something!"

In an instant, her mind knew. That fucking email. That stupid fucking email. It wasn't a spam email trying to phish her with promises of a totally awesome contest, it had somehow transported her here…! Her hands quickly patted her body down, before eventually finding a folded-up piece of paper stuffed in her hoodie pocket.

Quickly, she unfolded it.

Dearest X. Fester,

Once again, congratulations on your selection!

You have been chosen to participate in a test of skill with two hundred other carefully selected contestants. We wish to see which of modern shonen's cast of villains and heroes alike would come out on top…

X. Fester felt her head swim, and had to blink several times to focus her vision. This is insane. Insane!

Thus, you have been given the powerset of one character, and tasked with eliminating all opponents until you are the one left standing! Your reward will be discussed after the fact.

Your powerset has been selected to be:

RYOMEN SUKUNA - JUJUTSU KAISEN

Best of luck!

"Oh…" She moaned, crumpling up the offending letter and covering her face with her sweaty hands. "Oh…"

Fear tears through her body, sinking deep into her belly. She knows she should look in one of the fifty mirrors circling around her just to confirm it, but she can't bring herself to right now. She'd rather live in blissful ignorance, unknowing of people's views of her appearance.

"What is it? What does it say?" The idol asked, and X. Fester wordlessly passed him the note.

As he read, she gingerly turned around to face herself in the mirror. Of course, it was normal ol' her, dirty blonde hair to her shoulders, pale, tall, but with the two pairs of red eyes, and weaving black tattoos of Sukuna on her face and wrists. She blinked four times, before sighing and rubbing her face.

Think… think! So, this means that she's like a vessel instead of his incarnated form, right? Because if she was incarnated, she'd have his four arms and whatever he has going on the side of his face. Which meant she still looked somewhat human… And she seemed fine, mentally. No voice in her head telling her to let him take over and kill everyone…

But even then, with her appearance, she was a sitting duck. And, wouldn't everyone else in this stupid contest want to eliminate Sukuna for bragging rights?

"Fuck me," she grumbled. "This sucks, man."

"So," The idol said, after finishing the letter. "You don't usually look like that, right? It's all part of this… contest?"

"Yeah, that I didn't enter!" X. Fester whined, stamping her foot. "All I got was some bullshit email that I put in my spam, and now look at me!"

The idol looked her up and down, his eyebrows furrowed. His posture was much looser than before. He seemed to sincerely believe her, which was good. But to be fair, with how she's looking right now, who would blame him?

"What are you going to do now?" He asked, shifting his gait from one foot to the other. "Are you going off to eliminate other 'players'...?"

"Hell no," X. Fester scoffed, shaking her head. "I'm a pacifist man. I fuckin' hate violence. Besides, I didn't ask to participate so they can't make me do that shit. They didn't make me sign any legal document."

She let out a heaving breath, leaning her head against the mirror. The hard pressure of something against her forehead felt almost centering in this chaos.

"Hey listen man," X. Fester said finally, turning to face the idol, stuffing her hands in her hoodie pockets. "I'm sorry if it's sudden or too forward or whatever and I know we barely know each other, but please can I stay with you until this shit blows over?"

The idol stared at her for a moment, his face pinched and hand at his lips, and she felt her mouth continue to run almost on autopilot.

"Like, I know we just met or whatever but I only got like enough money for four nights at a shitty motel here and I don't even know if I can get it without my account freezing, and they didn't give me my phone so if my shit's frozen I'm pretty much fucked. I can cook, clean, do whatever so I'm not a shitty roommate and I won't-"

"Alright, you can stay with me until you find something else," the idol interjected, holding his hands up in front of him to get her to stop. "My name is Kouji Itoh, and you are…?"

"Just call me Xav," she sighed, rubbing her face. "Thanks, dude."

"Xav, okay," Kouji hummed, nodding his head. "So, do you want something to eat then?"

She nodded solemnly before following him out the door. To be honest, Xav had been too busy panicking and losing her mind to notice how her stomach was gnawingly empty.

"Yeah man, I'll have an egg or something before I have to think about how I'm gonna survive this weird Squid Game knockoff…"

Kouji turned back and stared at her, his eyebrows furrowed once more. As if him looking directly at her wouldn't immediately incinerate a lowly peon like herself.

"'Squid Game'?" He asked, crossing his arms.

"You've never watched Squid Game before?" Xav questioned. "Y'know, 'red light, green light'?"

"Never heard of it," he replied, shaking his head slowly, as Xav huffed, her face cracked into a grin.

"Oh my god, really? Come on, you haven't watched it yet? It's 2024!" She said, her hands on her hips.

Kouji stopped and whipped around to stare at her with wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows again.

"What are you talking about?" He said, almost breathlessly. "It's 2015."

Xav paused, blinking her eyes slowly.

"2015…?" She asked, getting a nod in return.

All she could do in response was laugh weakly as she sunk to the floor.