Only One in the Room- chapter 2
After telling her story, there wasn't a dry eye in the group. She felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders, from her heart, but at the same time an intense feeling of sadness remained. The lump in her throat stayed, but it didn't seem to have quite the strength as it did earlier.
"Thank you for sharing Angela. I can only imagine the heartbreak you and your family have been going through these past few months. Do you have much support right now?" asked Kelly.
"Our family is doing the best we can be. I'd like more of them to come to therapy but I can only do so much. I am hoping my daughter comes with me to the group next week. She had to work today otherwise she would have come. My friends were all very supportive when it first happened but as time has passed, I've found the support- the check ins, phone calls, just reaching out, has lessened a lot. I know it's my doing too… some days it's all I can do to get out of bed, let alone pick up the phone and call someone. Our kids are really great despite them being in just as much pain as I am- they text, call and stop by whenever they have the chance. I wish I could do more for all of them… seeing them in such pain is even worse than my own pain" said Angela.
"I am glad you have support Angela. It can make all the difference" said one of the younger women in the group.
"I know what you mean about support dwindling. Everyone under the sun reaches out to you in the beginning… even when you don't want to hear from anyone. Then by about six weeks in, give or take, the calls stop. People stop coming by, the last casserole is eaten, you just fade from people's memories. My whole social life changed in a blink of an eye when my husband died. All couple friends, with the exception of a few, just stopped communication. I lost my husband but also my social connection" said Val.
"What is it with people bringing casseroles and baked ziti? I think I had enough of those to last me the entire year!" laughed one of the men, causing the group, even Angela, to laugh.
"I think someone once sent baked ziti and the word got out. I think I ended up with six or seven of them!" chuckled Angela.
"Yes that does seem to be the dish of choice! It's important when you can, take the time to find the humor again. The first few times or more you find yourself laughing or enjoying something can bring feelings of guilt. Know that this is normal to feel. You will get to a point where the guilt lessens and you get to experience more of the positive emotions, not just the negative ones" said Kelly.
"I hope you don't mind Angela, but I remember reading about that horrible day. My heart went out to all the families involved. I couldn't imagine having to have had to go through all of that" said one of the older women in the group.
"Yes… I still don't believe it some days. It seems so unreal, like it's some sort of nightmare I can't wake up from… I often think it should have been me. I was supposed to be there… well anyway, it has been more than I can handle a lot of the time…" said Angela.
"Those are all normal emotions and thoughts to have during the bereavement process. We've talked about this before, the five stages of grief- denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. There is a misconception that we move through the stages in a linear fashion- one to the next until we end up in acceptance, but that is not how it works. It's more like a rollercoaster, many ups and downs. We can be through a stage like anger and then feel like we have moved through it until something triggers us and then we are right back to anger. It's okay to not be okay" said Kelly.
The group continued to discuss their own stories of loss and grief, of hope and healing. Angela listened intently, feeling strangely connected to these people who she just met, but already felt like she had known for years. Maybe her therapist was right and this was the next step she'd been terrified to take.
"Alright everyone, we need to end for today. As always, talking about grief and bereavement can be triggering. If you need to talk to someone, my staff and I are available. See you all next week" said Kelly as the group members stood up to leave. Kelly came over to Angela before she could leave.
"Angela! I wanted to touch base with you. I try to make it a point to speak to all the new members. I know it was hard to talk about your loss, especially since it's so new and raw as well as traumatic" said Kelly.
"I… I wasn't expecting to share all of that… honestly I almost cancelled today. I wasn't expecting to get anything out of this if I'm being honest but… but knowing there are people out there that might just feel like I do… it helps. I look forward to coming back next week" said Angela.
"We look forward to seeing you and hopefully your daughter as well" said Kelly.
Angela headed out the doors and to the elevator. She headed to the first floor, through those painfully heavy doors and into her Jaguar. Once inside, she checked her cell phone and saw a missed text message.
"Hi Mom! I hope the group went well today! I'm sorry I couldn't be there today but I cleared my schedule for next week and will join you. I hope it helped… Love you… Anna" Angela read out loud from her phone. She smiled at the thought of her daughter as she typed in a reply. She put her phone back in her bag and turned on the car. Soon she was back on the road, heading to an all too familiar place.
She pulled into the Fairfield Cemetery and stopped by the section she had visited more times than she could remember in the last few months. She got out of the car and took the flowers she had gotten earlier that morning out of the backseat. She walked up to the gravesite that had become so engrained in her these past few months. No headstones were there yet; they had been told it would still be another few weeks until what was ordered would be ready. She placed the flowers down on the ground, the dirt now being replaced with freshly grown grass. Pretty soon, all evidence to the disturbed ground would be gone.
"I think you'd be proud of me today. I finally made it to that group my therapist recommended for grief and bereavement. I don't know how I made it there and stayed, but somehow I did and it surprisingly helped. To know there are other people out there that feel even half of the pain and sorrow I feel helps. I think it's knowing I'm not alone, which I feel more and more these days. Anna has been wonderful… she's coming with me to the group next week. I don't think I would have gotten through any of this without her support. She doesn't deserve this… none of us do. I just hope we all find a way to heal from this because I can't handle anymore loss…" she said as the tears began to fall.
Angela spent a few more minutes at the cemetery before heading home. She said a tearful goodbye with promises to be back in a few days. She had slowly moved away from her daily routine of coming to the cemetery but couldn't go more than two of three days without a stop. She decided she had been out and about long enough for the day and would do her errands tomorrow morning.
As she pulled into the driveway, she pulled behind an all too familiar black jeep. She made a mental note to get the jeep washed since she couldn't remember the last time it was cleaned. She smiled as she remembered the look on Tony's face the first time he drove his original jeep home from the dealership when it was finally his own. Once they were married and Anna and Robert joined their family, they upgraded the jeep to a few different mini vans and larger SUVs until they graduated high school. Practically the day after graduation, Tony dragged her to the dealership and bought himself a new jeep. The jeep in front of her was the second or maybe third one since then, but he remained faithful to the black jeep.
She wondered if Robert was home yet. Once he was out of college, he opted to save some money and moved back home into the loft apartment. Sam and Hank had moved out when the twins were starting elementary school and her mother moved back in for the next few years until the stairs became too much for her to handle. Angela remembered finding her a senior apartment complex nearby with all the amenities she could want and then some. She and Tony would joke that they were ready to move in and start their retired life back then. Her happy memories began to turn dark as she tried to think of something else. She quickly grabbed her purse and headed up the stairs to the apartment and knocked on the door. After a few moments, Robert opened the door. Angela was still amazed at how much Robert looked like Tony- the same thick wavy brown hair, big brown eyes and a smile that melted her heart. It truly took her breath away each and every time she saw him.
"Hi Mom! How are you?" said Robert as he moved aside to let her inside. No matter how much time went by, this apartment would forever be her mother's home. She held back a laugh as she wondered if there were still footprints on the ceiling. The lighthearted feeling soon ended as she looked around at the mess in the apartment.
"Robert! It's a mess in here! How can someone who looks and sounds so much like your father have not inherited any of his cleanliness?" asked Angela.
"Eh oh, oh eh… it's part of my charm to be this messy…" laughed Robert as he put on a thick Brooklyn accent to try and imitate Tony. Angela couldn't help but laugh; she would never say she had a favorite among her children- she loved all four of them equally- but she knew she had a soft spot for Robert. He knew it too and spent a good deal of his childhood taking advantage of it.
"Very funny… you'll never get a girlfriend if you keep this up. At least put some effort into this place!" said Angela as she began to straighten up.
"Mom… relax! You don't have to clean up. I'll get to it… eventually. As for the girlfriend… who has the time? I'm so busy with work to think about anything serious…" he said as he cleared a space on the sofa for Angela. Before she sat down, she caught something in the corner of her eye, partially hidden behind clutter and junk. She walked over to the side table and pulled out a photo frame.
"I… I didn't know you had a copy of this! I love this photograph so much" said Angela as she ran her fingers over each family member.
"Yeah it's one of my favorites too, even though Anna and I were only two months old there! Everyone looks so happy, even if you made them all dress alike! How did you not yell at Grandma for dressing in red?" laughed Robert.
"Who says I didn't yell at her? She came up to help me get the two of you ready for the photo shoot. I took one look at her and rolled my eyes. All she had to do was wear navy! But I needed her help so I didn't push it- you decided you needed a diaper change right before the shoot so I needed to not upset her!" laughed Angela.
"Its good to see you laugh again" said Robert.
"It feels good to laugh… but this damn guilt always follows. I hope one day I can just laugh and be happy…" she said.
"You will Mom! I mean you are getting out of the house more! Anna text me she's going with you to that group thing next week. Maybe one week I'll go…" said Robert.
"Only if you want to but I would love it if you did. I think we all need some support to get through this, but it has to be your decision. I'm not forcing this on anyone" she said.
"I know you're not. You've kept us all going through this and I'll only speak for myself when I say I couldn't have managed without you Mom" he said as he leaned over to give her a hug. Tears started to fall down her face as she hugged her youngest son back, needed to feel the embrace of loving arms… something she didn't realize just how much she had been missing.