AU: John lays his cards on the table... John and Sam experience a breakthrough in their relationship...
Part of my Lost and Found Universe.
Rating Change! Due to the course that this story has taken, I have decided to up the rating to Mature.
Triggers: Depression, Underage Relationship, Reference to a Major Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Foul Language, Reference to War.
Please note that this story deals with an underage character and a very mature age character. I DO NOT CONDONE this behaviour, but please remember that this is FanFiction, not real life, and the characters are Sam and Jack in other forms. While Jack's clone is 16 in this story, he is still a 52 year old man.
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to Amazon/MGM. I'm just throwing them a curve ball and making their lives a little derentis!
Chapter 15:
Wednesday, 18th February 2004, 8pm – Cascade House – John O'Neill
The rolling of the credits, an empty pizza box and a sleeping Sam all pointed to one thing. Time for me to leave. I had school tomorrow and did not particularly want to deal with the morning traffic getting to the other side of Colorado Springs.
"Sam." I whispered, nudging her carefully wishing she had just fallen asleep with her head on my shoulder instead of on my chest and her arms wrapped around my torso. She was sending so many mixed signals; my male brain was ready to explode.
"Sam, I have to go." I murmured, daring to rest my lips on her forehead as I spoke. I knew I was taking liberties, but as of right now, I was beyond caring. I would not stop showing her how much she meant to me no matter how much she pushed me away.
I loved her. Pure and simple.
"No." She purred, nestling her head lower onto my chest while her arms squeezed, her fingers finding the edge of my shirt and toying with it. Each little brush of her fingertips against my skin sent heated tingles through my body. Yea gods, I could already feel my body reacting to her touch.
"Sam. Please." I muttered, trying, and failing to keep things from getting out of hand. "Oh God!" I squeaked and jumped when her other hand slipped under my shirt to brush across my stomach, grabbing her hand to stop it venturing anywhere else while she slept. I didn't need her to discover the problem lurking below my waistband.
"John?" She murmured and looked up clearly surprised to find the movie over.
"Hey, sleepyhead." I replied, noting the look of nervous apprehension that crossed her face, though she did not make a move to untangle herself, instead laying her head back where it had been.
"You have go, don't you?" The question was straightforward, a hint of something tinging her words. A simple nod was all I gave her, my cheek brushing the top of her head. "What if I asked you to stay?"
"Are you asking?" I felt her swallow and bury her nose into the folds of my dress shirt.
"Maybe. As a friend."
I snorted gently, "Friends." I'd heard that before and I didn't like it that time either.
"Yes, Si…" She stopped before uttering the one word that keep us apart in other lives for years. "Yes, John." She corrected.
"Why do you do that, Sam? Why can't you just…" Just what? I asked myself. Admit that I was him. Admit that we meant more to each other than she was pretending. She moved away then and I found myself delving into seas of sorrowful blue framed in silver.
"You know why."
"Do I? You seem to think that I know… things. You always did." I said, reminding her of the confession from earlier today as I reached my hand up to her face, making sure that she could see the enormity of my feelings in my eyes. "Sam, I am not that complex. For just one minute, why don't we pretend that I have no idea what is going on in your big, beautiful brain." I pushed, hoping she would just be honest with me for once in her life. For a moment, she looked at me as if I said something awe inspiring or maybe familiar. Some he had said to her. It didn't take her long to put whatever it was behind her.
"Because I can't, John. I can't be responsible for…" She stopped and closed her eyes, two tears dropping onto her cheeks. "I can't let you throw away your second chance."
"What?" I was dumbfounded, bewildered even. "Shouldn't that be my choice? You wax poetic about having the power and the ability to make your own decisions, to be your own person, but you won't afford the same respect to me." I held her gaze until she looked away, unable to take my scrutiny any longer. "Well?" I pressed when she refused to say what was so clearly on her mind.
"It will be easier... if you're too close… if you don't…" She shook her head, more tears flooding her cheeks. I knew what she wanted to say, but I needed her to say the words. I needed to hear it.
"Easier… what will be easier, Sam?"
She relented then and all but shouted, "When I die! There, I've said it. Are you happy now?" Raising my other hand, I cradled her face as she cried.
"You don't understand. I'm already too close, and when you do leave me… I will be as lost as Jack was today. As lost as I was the day I got the message that she had died. I will be lost because I love you. It doesn't matter if I am Jack, or John or Jonah. I love you, Samantha Carter." I confessed in more words than I had ever used in this life or the last. The broken sob that she let go in that moment prompted me to wrap my arms around her, holding her tight while she cried.
"You can push me away and try to make me hate you. But I'll always come back. I'll give you everything I have to give for as long as I can give it." I added when I felt her sobs subside. After a little while, she pulled back and wiped her face.
"You don't mind the grey?" She said with a tearful smile, pointing to her head. Her comment making me break out into laughter because those were the very words I remembered using to Hathor in the early days of SG-1.
"No, I don't." I replied, reaching forth and twirling a curl of her hair around my finger and giving it a tug. "It looks good on you." She smiled faintly again and leaned a little closer, her eyes moving up and down my face. I knew what she was doing, and I'd be lying if I said my heart rate wasn't spiking with the possibility that she'd… my mind went blank when she slipped her hand into my hair and tugged my face to hers bringing our lips together. With fingers playing in my hairline while I cradled her face, we kissed slowly and gently. Memories of flickering fires, boilers and orange suits flashed through my mind as I sought to pull her closer, make it last longer. Then she pulled back a little but not enough to break all contact.
"John?" She murmured, lips still brushing mine.
"Yeah?"
"Is this OK?" She breathed as her lips danced across mine and along my jaw before coming back to my lips.
"Very." I replied as I pulled her in, eager to taste her lips once again. It was more than OK, so much so that my heart was jumping in the air and fist pumping. I didn't care about the whole age thing. I loved her.
"Is this weird?" She asked then nipped my lower lip prompting me to kiss her back.
"Totally weird." I agreed into her mouth without stopping, then added quickly, "It's a good thing we do weird every day." She laughed – that vibrating wavy sound that I loved – and buried her face into my collar. It seemed to be a favourite place of hers. As much as I was loving this new Sam, we had to stop before this went any further because my teenaged body was fervently demanding next base or perhaps skipping it all together and going straight for third which would lead to fourth.
"They do weird. Did weird." She said, then corrected herself as a frown crossed her face and her hand trailed down to rest on my chest.
"Yeah, because being cloned by a little grey alien or getting manipulated by an impossible time event is completely normal." I commented, making her laugh and bury her face again. I held her close relishing in the feel of her in my arms. We might be 75 years apart physically, but I'd have waited longer than that to have her like this, and maybe more.
"Thank you." She murmured.
"For what?" I asked, not entirely sure what she was thanking me for.
"Not giving up on me. Not letting me…" She didn't say die, but I heard it. If I hadn't visited when I did, I doubted she'd still be alive now. She would have just wasted away. "I wish I could give you more, John. It's just…"
"It's OK, Sam. I get it." I replied, knowing that her hesitation to say those all-important words would mean there was no going back. I wasn't naïve enough to know that her days in this life were numbered, though I didn't particularly want to think about that right now.
"So, will you stay?" She asked while her fingers circled an undone button on the black shirt that I still wore from the memorial.
"Always." I promised, because where she was concerned, I'd walk through fire to give her what she needed.
"I'm tired, but I don't want to get up." She murmured, her hand roaming my chest and stomach. Even though I had my shirt on, she was igniting a fire that had the potential to be a raging inferno if she didn't stop. Of course, I had no intention of making her stop which meant I'd need a fire extinguisher.
"Sam, you can't stay here. You'll never move in the morning if you do." I explained. She made this whining moan noise that sounded more like something else. Shit. I had to get up. Off the sofa, because in truth, I was already up and desperately needed to do something about it, or I'd never sleep. Probably wouldn't anyway.
"C'mon Sam. I'll help you." I prompted, giving her a nudge.
"Oh, alright." She relented and gingerly sat up, the wince on her face told me everything I needed to know. "OK, sofa is a bad idea. My back is killing me." She complained, then pouted.
"Told ya." I replied, as I inched forwards and stood up while untucking the rest of my shirt to hide my current state. Once that was sorted, I reached out my hand. She smiled ruefully before taking my hand. As we walked past the table, I picked up the photo album she had given me earlier and hugged it to my body.
"Do you like it?" She asked. Looking across at her, the heartfelt sorrow lacing her blue eyes saddened me. My reaction yesterday had been one borne of anger and misunderstanding. After having a chat with Harry before going to school, I realised that her secrecy had likely been protective. Seeing Grace was not an option because I didn't have clearance to go that far in the base and at my age, Samantha would not believe that I was Jack. Then there was the foothold situation that I would probably not survive. I had not divulged to Harry any of the exact particulars of where Grace was, only that she was out of reach.
"I love it." I replied as I helped her navigate the stairs. She didn't need to stop part way anymore, but she still needed extra stability from time to time. "Thank you."
"She looks so much like you when she smiles."
"Like me?" I asked, wondering if she made a mistake with her words. Instead, she looked at me, a faint hint of a smile forming on her face and in her eyes.
"Yeah, the day in the snow. When you smiled at me, I thought 'like father, like daughter', it was beautiful." I could not help the smile at that point. It had been the first time that Sam had acknowledged me as Jack O'Neill.
"I kinda thought it was a Carter smile." I replied as we reached her bedroom door, my arms wrapping loosely around her waist while hers sat on my shoulders, her fingers running circles along my hairline. Damn this was hard. I didn't want to go to my room, but I knew I had to. A kiss didn't mean she wanted more from me. It had just been a kiss. A very nice kiss, but still... just a kiss.
"It's both." She replied, then leaned forward and placed her lips on mine once again. It was soft and sweet, and I tried to tell myself that we were just friends. She wanted to be friends. Just when I thought she would pull back, her hands travelled up into my hair and racked along my scalp. It felt divine, and I couldn't stop making a satisfied noise that left me open to her questing tongue. Then she made a small noise and I was lost. Holding her tight, I kissed her back with the same fervour.
"Hmm, Sammm…" I gasped as our embrace turned passionate and my hips pressed forwards into her thigh. I was ready to kick open her door and carry her to her bed when she pulled back.
"Oh, God. John, I'm so sorry." She apologised and tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let her.
"Hey, hey… it's OK. We're good." I said comfortingly, before folding her into a hug. "I needed a cold shower anyway." My jest making her giggle and turn her face into my neck.
"Problem with your sidearm, Sir?" She asked with a little kinkiness in her tone.
"Always, Carter. Whenever you entered the room." She giggled again, which was not helping my situation. Leaning back, I curled that wayward piece of hair around her ear and gave her one last chaste kiss knowing that the time we had was limited and that it wouldn't go any further than this, but if it was all I could have - which was more than I had been allowed as her CO - then it was enough. We would take each day as it came and cherish every single one of them.