Daniel was on edge.
He'd spent the previous afternoon typing up a full weeks worth of lesson plans and emailed them to Johnny for him to check over, and even though Johnny hated emails he'd usually fire back a quick message that said, "OK," or "Yeah, fine," or "Too girly. Needs more Nunchucks."
Daniel had spent hours carefully crafting the plan and Johnny obviously hadn't even bothered reading it.
"Where the hell have you been?" Daniel asked as soon as Johnny pulled up in the Caravan.
"Tiling a bathroom for some rich asshole over in Tarzana," Johnny replied, as he climbed out of the car. "But something's clearly crawled up your ass since I last saw you. What's wrong now?"
"Why didn't you reply to lesson plan I sent you?" Daniel snapped, as he followed Johnny into the empty dojo.
"When did you send it?" Johnny asked, dropping his bag on the floor.
"Last night at about 6.30," Daniel replied. "I spent hours working on that and you didn't even have the courtesy to read it."
"My laptop isn't working," Johnny said. "I gave it to Miguel yesterday so he can fix it."
"Oh," Daniel said, suddenly feeling guilty for assuming the worst. "I'm sorry, man. What's wrong with it?"
"Miguel said it has a whole bunch of viruses and shit on it."
"How did that happen? You been visiting porn sites?" Daniel asked jokingly.
Johnny gave him a sidelong glance, but didn't reply.
"Oh my god, you have!" Daniel said. "You've been looking at porn!"
"Like you don't," Johnny snapped back.
"Yeah, but I go on Pornhub, Johnny," Daniel said. "I don't go on whatever dirty little sites you've plainly been trawling around. So what was it? Foot fetish? Spanking? Role Play?"
"I was trying to buy a wife," Johnny said.
Daniel's mouth dropped open. "You were trying to buy a wife?"
"Yeah, man," Johnny asked. "People are always talking about buying shit on the internet, so I thought I'd try it."
"What the hell, Johnny," Daniel shouted. "If you're that desperate for a hook up just go to the cheapest dive bar you can find. You can't just buy a person like they're cattle."
"I don't need to get laid," Johnny said. "I need to get married."
"Why on earth do you need to get married?"
"My mom knew Shannon was pregnant when she was sick, and I just found out she put aside some money for Robby to go to college and it pays out when he graduates high school."
"That's great," Daniel said. "Does he know?"
"Nah, I haven't told him," Johnny said. "I mean even if he doesn't want to go to college it'll be a good start for him. He could get a car and he'll have money for his own place, if that's what he wants."
"So what does this have to do with you being married?"
"My mom didn't really trust Shannon," Johnny said. "The money only pays out if I'm married."
"Married to Shannon?"
"Nah, my mom's lawyer sucked, man," Johnny said. "They didn't even specify who I had to be married too, just that I have to be married and Robby is still in my life, which he is. My mom was worried Shannon would disappear off with him."
"Wow, that's really..." Daniel said. "So for Robby to get the money you need to get married?"
"Yeah," Johnny said.
"How long have you got?" Daniel asked.
"He should be finished his GED in May."
"Johnny, that's less than three months away," Daniel said. "How the hell are you going to find someone in 11 weeks?"
"I know, man. That's why I was looking on the internet," Johnny said. "Will you help me?"
"Help you how?"
"You'll help me buy someone?"
"I'm not going to help you buy a woman, Johnny."
"Doesn't have to be a woman," Johnny said with a shrug. "I'm easy."
"Since when?" Daniel scoffed.
"I dunno," Johnny said, scratching his head. "1983?"
"What?" Daniel asked. "You were dating men in 1983? You were 16!"
"Oh," Johnny said with a glint in his eye. " I never said dating."
"I'm honestly not sure I wanna hear this," Daniel said.
"Me and Dutch used to blow each other," Johnny said with a grin.
"You..." Daniel started, feeling like his brain was about to short circuit. "Did that... with Dutch?"
"Yeah," Johnny said. "Started out as a dare and I wasn't gonna back down from a challenge."
Daniel frowned in confusion. "You decided to show your masculinity by sucking another guy's dick?"
"Look, LaRusso, just 'cause you're uncomfortable with it, doesn't mean we all are," Johnny said. "Some of us are man enough that we can suck another guy's dick and not be a girl about it."
"I'm not- I'm not being a girl about it," Daniel said, almost stumbling over his words. "I could have sucked a guys dick."
"And have you?" Johnny asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, no," Daniel admitted. "But I've thought about it."
"There you go then," Johnny said.
"But what about Ali?" Daniel asked. "Were you cheating on her?"
"Nah, man. Ali knew about it," Johnny said with a shrug. "Besides, she was always fooling around with that dark haired chick she hung out with."
"So was it... just the one time?" Daniel asked.
"Just Dutch?" Johnny asked.
"Just Dutch or just the once?" Daniel asked.
"Let me ask you this," Johnny said with a grin. "If you had free access to blow jobs at 16 do you think you'd do it just the once?"
Daniel chuckled and shook his head. "Nope."
"Nah, me either," Johnny replied.
"So who else?" Daniel asked. "Was it Bobby?"
"All of them," Johnny replied.
"All of them?" Daniel repeated.
"Yeah, me, Tommy, Bobby, Jimmy, and Dutch. We were all into it."
"Jesus, Johnny," Daniel said. "If you were getting your dick sucked so often how did you even have time to beat me up?"
"Oh, I made time for that," Johnny said with a laugh. "I had a calendar with whole days marked No dick sucking. Beat up LaRusso set aside just for you, princess."
%~&
The whole class Daniel couldn't bring himself to look at Johnny. Every time he did all he could think was, "He's sucked four dicks and you've sucked none!"
But was it just the four?
He'd mentioned his fellow Cobras, but was that the end of it? He seemed open enough to getting married to a guy, so maybe it never stopped. Maybe on all those drunken nights out in dive bars he'd been hooking up with other men.
So maybe it wasn't four. Maybe it was eight. Maybe it was 108.
Daniel couldn't stop thinking about it. Every time he looked over at Johnny his eyes crept up to his lips as he imagined what he'd done and his face flushed red.
%~&
"You OK?" Johnny asked at the end of the class. "You're acting even more like a deer in headlights than usual."
"I'm not like a deer," Daniel said sourly.
"Really?" Johnny asked. "The other day I thought you were gonna have a heart attack when the Caravan backfired. Long skittery legs all over the place. Eyes all wide. Sounds like a deer to me."
"I thought it was a gun, Johnny," Daniel snapped. "We're in the middle of a Karate war remember. Silver could have paid someone to shoot me."
"Yeah, well if that happens, I'll make sure everything's OK," Johnny said.
"You gonna jump in front of a bullet for me?" Daniel asked.
"No, I meant I'd look after this place for you if you died," Johnny said, looking around the garden. "Water the plants and stuff. Cut the grass. Paint the fence."
"You asshole," Daniel said, playfully shoving him in the shoulder.
%~&
It had become almost a tradition, sitting on the Miyagi-Do deck, drinking a few beers with Johnny after class. Once the kids had gone home and everything had been cleared away, Daniel would bring out the cooler. He had nothing to rush home for, so it was a good way to blow off steam before heading back to his empty house.
"Do you think Amanda would marry me?" Johnny asked, leaning back on the deck on one elbow, with a bottle of Banquet in his other hand.
Daniel choked on his beer, then coughed out, "What?"
"Amanda," Johnny said. "She's hot. She's single. She clearly has good taste since she dumped you."
"A-a-a-Amanda didn't dump me," Daniel stammered. "It was a mutual decision. We're still good friends."
"If you're still good friends, will you ask her for me?"
"No, I will not!"
"Why not?" Johnny asked.
"She'd think I've lost my mind if I ask her that," Daniel said. "There's no way Amanda would marry you."
"Really?" Johnny asked. "I always thought we got on well."
Daniel hummed. Thinking back over the dinners where Johnny and Carmen had come over for the evening and the easy way that Amanda had spoken with Johnny as if they were old friends. In a way she'd managed to get along with Johnny far easier than Daniel himself had, and he'd always felt a little spike of jealousy watching them interact.
"I don't think it's a good idea," Daniel said.
"Shame," Johnny said, then he broke out in that grin that seemed solely designed to infuriate Daniel. "Pretty sure Sam would have liked me being her new Stepdad."
"Have you thought about dating apps?" Daniel said, trying to drag Johnny away from the idea of being Sam's new dad.
"I don't need a date, I need a wife," Johnny said.
"Well, there has to be a site for people who want to get married," Daniel said, pulling out his phone.
"You think?" Johnny asked, sitting up.
"OK, so I'll search best dating site for people who want to get married," Daniel said, as he moved his thumbs across the screen.
"What's this one?" Johnny asked. "Ashley Madison? Is that a chick who wants to get married?"
"We'll ignore that one," Daniel said, scrolling the screen down. "Here, what about this?"
"Matrimoney?" Johnny asked. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It's Matrimony," Daniel said, and when Johnny still looked at him blankly, he said, "It's another word for marriage."
"Oh, OK. Let's try that one then."
Daniel downloaded the app onto his phone and started filling in the details.
"How come you're putting it on your phone?" Johnny asked. "Are you looking to get married too?"
"Do you have a phone yet?" Daniel asked.
"Nah," Johnny said, shaking his head.
"Well, there's your answer," Daniel said, as he filled Johnny's details in and added a few pictures from his camera roll.
"You've got pictures of me?" Johnny asked.
"Just a few," Daniel replied, glancing up at him. "Mostly from the Dojo, for if we ever wanted to advertise."
Johnny nodded and watched as Daniel filled in the last of the information.
"OK, so here goes," Daniel said, as he brought up the list of matches.
He thumbed across the pictures, swiping away the obvious gold diggers who were looking for rich old men.
"Too young," Daniel said, as he swiped. "This one doesn't want someone who drinks, so that's a no. Ugh, this one looks like she'd shout at the waiter in a restaurant. Here, what about this woman?"
Johnny looked at the phone. "She's 68, LaRusso. And I'm pretty sure she's shaved a few years off that age."
"Yeah, but you just need someone to get married to, right?" Daniel asked. "It's not like you're gonna stay married to them?"
"Maybe I would, if they were hot and cool," Johnny said. "She looks like she wouldn't last till the end of the wedding service."
"OK, so that one's a no," Daniel said, as he continued swiping. He pushed the phone towards Johnny and said, "Here why don't you pick. Find three you like and we'll set up some dates."
Johnny sat back in his seat and raised an eyebrow. "I have to go on a date with them?"
"No one's just going to marry a stranger," Daniel said.
"They do on those TV shows I keep seeing ads for."
"That's not real life Johnny," Daniel said.
Johnny grumbled. "I'm not so good at dates."
"Oh for god's sake, "Daniel said. "Pick three women and I'll come on the dates and sit at the next table or something. I'll find out where you're going wrong, then we'll go from there. You can be my Eliza Doolittle, but for dating."
"Your what?"
"Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady," Daniel said. "Haven't you seen it?"
"Nope," Johnny replied.
"OK, grab the cooler," Daniel said, standing up.
"Where we going?" Johnny asked.
"Back to my place," Daniel said. "You are about to see a classic."