CHAPTER 15: HOGMANAY
On Hogmanay James and Sirius spent a good chunk of the day in the duel practice chamber. There they engaged in simulated battle with magic dummies, all to prepare for their encounter with the Slim Shadow.
"To be honest I am kind of bored with the Slim Shadow now," said James. "I need to focus on my team, you know? I don't have time for playing around with silly Slim Shadows!"
"And I my mew-zac."
"Your what?"
"Mew-zac. So can you stand to have your ass kicked some more or have you had enough?"
They had been competing to see who could defeat the most dummies in the shortest time.
"I'm having my ass kicked? That is so sad that you need to tell yourself that."
"No, I'm telling you that."
CRACK! and PEW! Some more dummies were hit in the chest by flashes of light and fell.
"Those who say we never prepare for anything are SO wrong!" said James.
"I know!" said Sirius. "We even went SO far as to nick the hedgehog grass from Brussels Sprout's herbarium even though we could probably just knock!"
The hedgehog grass was a herb with the power of unlocking. They had nicked it, just in case the Slim Shadow was hard of hearing.
The evening was spent feasting on Snailtrail's cheese tray and drinking ginger ale from his uranium champagne glasses.
In the dorm. The radio aired Meaty's Hogmanay Special.
"Ahoy, that was Steppenwolf and Booooornnn to be willllldd! Na na na na na! Stay safe wherever you are, and more importantly, stay inside. That is the number one protection. Although I'm not so sure if it is going to keep me very safe, here in the middle of the sea... I think Mike got Boatswain last time and *GULP* Don't panic. Here's Paul Revere & The Raiders with Mr Sun, Mr Moon!"
He had received angry calls from at least six mums already.
"More champagne?"
Sirius gave both top-up. James flew up.
"Oh! I mustn't forget!"
He rummaged through all his junk until he found what he was looking for. He put them on and returned.
"Ah? Ah? What do you think?"
He was wearing gold-rimmed Champagne flute glasses with sparkly vision. They counted down the time and spelled the current year. At the moment of the new year they were going to shoot very tiny fireworks. James waited for feedback.
"HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCER!" Sirius went for some reason.
James could, in his own opinion anyway, do a mean Elton John impression:
"It's a little bit funnay..."
"Where does one buy those?"
"Oh would you like a pair? I'm afraid you better abstain, I think they could literally make your eyes implode."
"Oh no there's my dream of looking like a dorky pimp crushed. I just thought..."
"What?"
"Like... imagine if..."
"Yeah?"
"There were glasses..."
"Aha?"
"For people..."
"Right?"
"Who don't actually need them."
James stared at him blankly.
"I don't get it."
"Never mind. AND YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY"
"THIS IS YOUR SAW! Shame we couldn't get hold of any real champagne."
"Hey I know! What if we take one of the ginger ales, add tons of sugar and bread yeast, cork it and see what happens!"
"That sounds boring. Can't we just try to make our own booze or something?"
"Supposedly everything has yeast in it, or on it. Even..," Sirius's eyes fell on a pair of old dirty socks. He wondered if he'd be able to push them in his ginger ale bottle.
"I would never have guessed you were such a chemistry wonk. What are you doing with my sock?"
When only minutes remained of the year they switched to Radio 1 to listen to the countdown on Diagon Alley Square. A crowd shouted: 3! 2! 1!
And ding ding ding James's flute glasses shot small whistling chrymantesums. The chaps clanked their drinking vessels and listened to the Diagon Alley Philharmonics perform Auld Lang Syne on fifty bagpipes to the tune of many exploding fireworks. In the window they could see flashing peonies being fired in the nearby town.
"SHOULD ALL ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT!" James warbled.
"This choir is rubbish I mean listen to that!"
Awoo!
The rubbish choir upset Sirius so much he switched off the radio.
"I was listening to that!" said James.
Awoo!
"It's the Slim Shadow!" James remembered. "The Slim Shadow is back!"
And this time it was a clever one!
They gobbled down what was left of the cheese in a rush, put on their coats and grabbed the camera and the standard firework.
They fired the standard firework and then they entered the hole.
"That standard firework was epic!" said James as they walked down the tunnel to the hidey hole.
"Man we should have fired it in the hidey hole shouldn't we?" said Sirius.
"Oh maaan! Did you bring more?"
"No."
"Well damn."
They walked along. So quiet, so still. The tunnel felt so long, and yet at the same time, not long enough. Was this really the Slim Shadow's hidey hole? Suddenly it wasn't saying anything at all.
The closer they got to the end, the more purposefully they seemed to drag their feet. They thought they could hear the Slim Shadow growl. As if it was trying to not be heard even though... imitating sounds was how it lured people in its trap.
Killing it was going to be a cake ride.
They stopped at the door.
"I hope you have accepted what must be done now," said Sirius. "I know it's the sort of thing that could make you feel a little confused."
The most recent cutting edge research claimed that the way to defeat a Slim Shadow was for one boy to kiss another on the bottom.
"I'm really not so confused," said James. "You can kiss my ass."
"Sounds like you want that a lot. Go on then, take your pants off."
James was about to do just that when a thought hit him.
"What is the Slim Shadow made off anyway? Is it a creature of flesh and blood that you can stab?"
"Hm."
Sirius scratched his chin, then bent over to pick something up.
"It has to be because I just found its claw!"
"Wow! Do you still think it is stupid we stopped to get this heavy axe?" James raised the axe.
Sirius whipped out the hedgehog grass and bound it to the claw using the binding pouch.
"There!"
He rubbed the key on the first lock. This was supposed to be a moment of victory. So how come a voice in James's mind was begging him not to do this?
The first lock came unhinged. Only eleven to go. Sirius looked smug but he sure wasn't rushing.
"Gotta wonder about the point of the rest of the locks..."
He was clearly stalling. Permanently about to undo the second lock. About to.
Stiiilll about to.
James swore he could see his hand tremble.
"In your own time."
Sirius rubbed the next ten locks so fast James thought he was going to faint. When only one lock remained he stopped and looked at James.
For a while.
As if he found him hot and sexy.
"Well?"
"What? What are you waiting for?"
"You look a bit like you want to chicken out. I just thought I'd ask if you have changed your mind. Are you scared and what to chicken out?"
"No, I'm not scared and I don't want to chicken out. Why do you think I want to chicken out? Could it be that YOU want to chicken out?"
"I don't want to chicken out. I just wanted to make sure, that's all. Maybe you want to chicken out but are afraid to say it. Hey man, it's cool if you want to chicken out."
"Thanks but I came here to do a job. Let me know when there's a reason to chicken out and then I'll think about it. In the meantime, did you say you wanted to chicken out or what?"
"I don't want to chicken out but if you want me to pretend..."
"If YOU want ME to pretend to pretend..," James confused. "Does your camera have film?"
"Yep, it's all prepared."
That voice in James's mind: Don't do it don't do it don't do it! It was fear. Wasn't it? He had to swallow the bitter pill and simply admit his shameful defect: he was experiencing completely irrational fear. Irrational fear of the Slim Shadow. His mind trying to make it out to be something worse than it was. If he chickened out he'd be a laughing stock afterwards, when it turned out he had chickened out over nothing. Just a Slim Shadow's trick, and he had fallen for it.
Sirius rubbed the final lock. Bars and chains fell.
Creeeaakkk...
What happened next happened very fast, practically all at once. Next thing he knew James was pushing the door against something he stood no chance in overpowering while Sirius bashed his camera at the snapping jaws of a bloodthirsty demon wolf until it became shredded camera remains.
They were dead.
Or should have been.
In fact it was an insult to realism that they hadn't died immediately.
But what happened was that James had something in his pocket that all of a sudden felt very heavy. And so naturally he put it in his mouth.
He felt immediately stronger. He was keeping the gap in the door at a minimum, feeling his active lifestyle really pay off. Sirius looked super amazed. Perhaps now he'd be more motivated to play more quidditch and not spend so much time sitting on his ass playing Stairway To Heaven.
Despite this boost of strength he wouldn't be able to keep it up forever.
"A little help? This really is harder than it looks!"
Sirius stabbed the monster's nozzle with their key until it retreated. James shut the door and Sirius locked all the bars and chains once again.
It was quiet again. They felt shocked, traumatised and sweaty.
"That wa cloth wathit?" said James.
"What?"
James took the stone from his mouth.
"That was close, wasn't it?"
Then he collapsed into a pile of jelly.