You Were Made From Scars
Summary: Buddie fic. Established relationship. Tragedy strikes the 118, and they are forced to bury one of their own. Eddie struggles to deal with the grief but fate brings him across the path of someone, suffering memory loss, who looks a little too much like Buck. Can his heart take the possibility of losing Buck twice?
Disclaimer: I do not own 9-1-1 or anything associated with the show.
Author Notes: Thank you for reading!
Set after season 6.
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Chapter 9
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When Buck finally managed to leave the bathroom, there was no sign of Eddie inside the bar. The worried looks on Chimney's and Hen's faces told Buck all he needed to know, and he made his way toward them, grabbing his jacket and uttering a brief 'I should go' before heading off out into the night. He wasn't even sure where he was going, but somehow managed to find himself sitting on a park bench, staring at the phone in his hands.
Eddie's name and number lit up the screen, ready to be dialled. He would be lying if he said it was the first time he had sat staring at it since Maddie had given him the phone, but at least now he knew why. That didn't mean he understood everything though. It didn't mean he understood why no one had told him, why everyone had all but lied to him.
"There you are…" came a voice from just up ahead, and he looked up to see Maddie.
Honestly, he wasn't even all that surprised to see her. Given the way he had left the bar, it was only a matter of time before Chimney contacted her, because apparently, they were dating. A fact they had decided to tell him, whilst conveniently forgetting to inform him of his own dating life.
"How did you find me?" he questioned, and her gaze flickered to his phone. He breathed out and sat back on the bench a little. "Right, locator app. I forgot about that. Because apparently everyone thinks I'm going to disappear again."
She took a seat next to him on the bench. "Everyone's just worried about you. I'm worried about you."
"Yeah, everyone's just so damn worried that they decided to keep my own life hidden from me." He hung his head, feeling the weight crushing down on his shoulders. "It's like everyone else is in on some big joke that I don't know about, and no one will tell me because no one trusts me."
"It's not about trust," Maddie answered, her words careful but gentle.
"Eddie, and me…" Buck started, looking to Maddie and searching her eyes, but her lack of reaction was answer enough. "No one had the right to keep that from me."
"We didn't want to overwhelm you. We were told to ease you back into it-"
But he interrupted, pushing up from the bench to stalk forward slightly, keeping his back to Maddie. "Yeah, so everyone keeps saying. For my own protection because they don't want to damage poor little broken Buck anymore than he already is."
There was a breath of silence before he heard Maddie get up and come to stand behind him, and when she spoke, her voice was less collected, emotion colouring her words. "We had a terrible childhood. Mom and Dad spent most of it ignoring us, because they were too busy grieving for our dead brother – who you didn't even know about until recently. A brother you had been born to save, but he died anyway."
He swallowed hard, turning his head slightly to listen as she spoke.
"And I promised you, we pinky-promised, that I would always have your back. But I left anyway. I left you with them, and I wish I could say that was the only time but it wasn't. I was scared and I was hurting, but you always had my back. Even when Doug… even when he tried to kill me, you were there, right when I needed you."
"Why are you telling me this?" He turned fully to look at her now, watching her carefully.
"Because I'm done keeping secrets. Because keeping Daniel from you was agony. Because I saw what it did to you when you found out, and I don't want to keep anything or anyone from you anymore." She slipped her hands into his, her eyes pleading. "Eddie was a wreck after we lost you, but he never once stopped loving you."
"Except that's not me anymore," Buck answered, feeling the lump in his throat hardening. "I'm not the Buck he loves. I'm just some imposter."
A shadow of what once was.
Her smile was soft, head tilted to the side as she held his gaze. "Memory or not, you're still you. You're still Buck."
"I want my life back, Maddie. My life. Not some watered-down version of it. I want it all, the good and the bad. Even the pieces people think I shouldn't remember."
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After all these years, Eddie thought he was done with running. Turned out he was wrong. He had run from Buck the night before at the bar, and he felt like he was still running. Phone on silent and shoved into the back pocket of his jeans, he was deliberately avoiding any and all calls and messages, in particular the ones from Hen and Chimney that asked him what had happened. Or rather… 'What did you do to Buck?'.
Buck.
Everything about that kiss had been one hundred percent Buck. His Buck.
He knew Hen was right. He was punishing himself, keeping Buck at arm's length, afraid to let him close. But the last time that happened, they eventually ended up in bed together after Eddie had given in, unable and unwilling to keep denying how he felt. And here he was again, repeating the same mistakes.
"You know the setting of the table goes much faster if you do more than stare at it," Tía Pepa spoke up from beside him, nudging him with her elbow as she passed him by, breaking him from his thoughts.
He cleared his throat, focusing on the task at hand once more. "Thanks for inviting us round, Tía. Chris could do with some good food. He's been refusing to eat whatever I put in front of him lately. Lasagna, veg casserole… he even refused tortillas!"
Because they weren't Buck's.
"It's just such a shame I made too much food," she said with a sigh, setting a dish down in the centre of the table.
He let go of a chuckle. "No offence, Tía, but you always make too much."
"Ah, yes," she went on to say, "but if we had an extra person to help us eat all this, there wouldn't be as much waste once we're done."
The smile slipped from his lips, gaze falling as his fingers fumbled with the cutlery. He tried his best to ignore her insinuation, memories playing out in his mind of Buck devouring her dishes. He loved her cooking to the point that she would pack leftovers away for him to take home with them, and then more on top of that, because if she didn't, the leftovers wouldn't survive the car journey home without Buck eating them all – with a little help from Chris.
"A good, strong young man would certainly make sure it didn't go to waste."
Eddie sighed, abandoning his task and gripping the back of the closest chair instead, raising an eyebrow as he looked to his Tía Pepa. "Chris put you up to this, didn't he?"
She shrugged, barely even meeting his gaze as she circled the table, making sure everything was just right. "He's a smart kid. He can see how much you miss him."
Yes, Eddie missed Buck so badly that he swore he felt like his chest would cave in sometimes. Yet, somehow, that pain was nothing compared to the way Tía's next words cut deep, right through his soul.
"And you're not the only one."
"I know Christopher misses him," he tried to argue, but she was having none of it, her eyebrow arching even higher than his as she looked him over.
"Really? Because this whole 'trying to keep him safe' thing you've got going on is only hurting him more."
Eddie opened his mouth to explain, but no words made it passed his lips. Not that Tía Pepa was going to give him the chance to speak anyway.
"I get it, you're scared. But you can't throw away your second chance because of a little fear."
"I'm not…" he answered weakly, but he could taste the lie on his tongue. He was terrified.
"Not what?" she challenged.
He swallowed hard, meeting her gaze, and it was another breath before he spoke, another breath before all the misplaced pieces seemed to click back into place. "I'm not going to throw it away."
Maybe that was why, when he was next on shift, he found himself seeking Buck out, asking to speak with him privately. Or maybe it was the way Buck had looked at him in the bathroom at the bar, the hurt in his eyes, the pain in his voice… or maybe it was the way the kiss had Eddie breaking all over again.
Losing Buck had been painful. It had torn him apart. But this? Watching Buck from a distance? Watching his smile when the waitress flirted with him? Eddie was beginning to realise that it wasn't losing Buck that had been the most painful part. It was the absence of Buck. It was the not having Buck.
He led the way out back, knowing far too well how easily sound travelled in the firehouse and how good the balcony was for prying on private conversations. He wasn't sure what to say at first, and he and Buck stood in silence, opposite each other, gazes staring awkwardly at the ground or each other's name tags or boots, or somewhere in the distance. Anywhere but into each other's faces.
"Eddie, I-" Buck started, but Eddie cut over him, barely even realising Buck had spoken at first and unable to stop now he had the courage to speak.
"I'm taking Christopher to the zoo this weekend and he would really like you to come. He… He misses you and he wants to see you, but I completely understand if you don't want to and if-"
"Yes."
"-if you don't…" Eddie paused, finally forcing himself to meet Buck's eyes, those bright ocean blue eyes that shone and glistened so beautifully in the sunlight. "Yes?"
"Yes," Buck reiterated, bring his hands together, unable to keep the smile from his face, and shuffling as if going to take a step forward but stopping himself at the last second. "Yes, I'd love to."
"Good," Eddie answered, clearing his throat and feeling heat spreading across his cheeks. "I'll, er… we'll pick you at ten. Up! I mean, we'll pick you up at ten."
He would deny that he was blushing or that he spent the rest of the day being flustered. And if asked about it, he would claim he was doing it for Christopher and Buck. It wasn't fair on them. His feelings didn't factor into it. Taking them to the zoo, the place that was theirs, it was about giving them what they needed. Not him.
To their credit, the team only teased a little. They knew better than to push it.
Of course, Christopher could not stop talking about it. His excitement had Eddie melting, the younger Diaz listing all the different things he planned to show Buck and tell Buck and yes, he very much did remember that they weren't supposed to overload Buck, but he was sure that Buck would remember the tigers and the zebras and the twelve-foot snake. Then, when Saturday came, Chris had decided he wanted to skip breakfast because he wanted pancakes and that did not include the burnt kind that Eddie specialised in. No, he wanted them to stop at the place that did the tall stacks with all the trimmings, the one Buck took him to all the time.
Seeing the way Christopher's face lit up, Eddie couldn't say no.
He wrote out a quick message to Buck, telling him not to eat and to be ready a bit earlier, and he most definitely did not hesitate with his thumb over the send button, heart fluttering wildly inside of his chest. Nor did he keep going back to the mirror in the bathroom, brushing at his hair and trying to get it just right. It was just a day trip out. A day trip with Christopher and Buck. Buck… his Buck.
"Dad!" Christopher called out from the front door. "He's going to be waiting for us!"
"I'm coming!" Eddie called back, checking his reflection one last time before heading to grab his keys and phone.
When they arrived at Bobby's, he expected awkward glances and conversations and shuffling from foot to foot. What he did not expect was the huge grin on Buck's face at the sight of Christopher or the way Chris stumbled into Buck's arms and they held each other tight, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if they were exactly where they were meant to be.
"Buck!" Christopher had shouted, and Buck had held his arms out automatically, a 'hey, buddy!' on his lips as Chris moved in.
Bobby clapped Eddie on the back, moving to stand beside him as he looked out across the two. "This will be good for them, Eddie."
"I know," Eddie answered, already feeling his chest tightening, trying to force back the emotion. He had been such an idiot, pushing Buck away. How had it taken him so long to realise?
"And it'll be good for you, too."
His jaw tightened slightly at that as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He didn't deserve good. He didn't deserve to bathe in the light that was Buck or feel his warmth from simply being there. Buck deserved so much more, and yet here he was, choosing Eddie and Christopher, even though he had no real memory of them.
Eddie was still trying to figure out why when they claimed a booth at the diner for breakfast. Chris took the seat next to Buck, leaving Eddie to sit across from them, unable to tear his eyes away from how familiar they were with each other. It never once felt awkward or forced between them, the twinkling in Buck's eyes, the grin across Christopher's face, the shared laughs and nudges as Chris teased him in the same way he always did, as if they hadn't spent months apart.
"What'll be?" asked the waitress, pen and pad at the ready.
Buck cleared his throat and looked at the menu, his brow furrowing. "Er… I…"
"He'll have the candy mountain with extra liquorice," Chris answered for him.
"Christopher," Eddie admonished, a low warning tone.
"It's what he always gets," Chris whined.
"No, it's okay," Buck answered, folding up the menu and passing it to the waitress, smile still firmly planted on his face. "That sounds good. I'll have that."
Eddie opened his mouth to argue, but Christopher cut over him, placing his own order and leaving just Eddie to place his. He went plain, keeping it simple. With the amount of sugar the pair opposite were about to consume, someone had to be the sensible one that wasn't heading towards a sugar crash and when the pancakes came out, he knew he had made the right decision.
Buck immediately went for a piece of liquorice and Eddie went to warn him, but it was in Buck's mouth before the words could even form. As quick as the liquorice went it, it came out again in a napkin and a look of pure horror crossed his features. Christopher's laughter and the amusement on his face were a sight to see, and Eddie would have joined in if he wasn't too busy staring pointedly at his son.
"That is… that is foul!" Buck said, quickly chugging at his soda to rid himself of the taste. "And I like that?"
"No," Eddie answered, tone flat and eyebrow raised at Chris, knowing that Chris knew very well that Buck did not like liquorice, "you don't."
"Then why would I order this with extra liquorice?"
"Because Dad loves liquorice!" Christopher grinned, and Eddie's heart skittered in his chest.
Suddenly, it made sense. All those times in the past when Buck had handed him a napkin filled with liquorice, claiming the diner had gotten the order wrong again and he didn't want it to go to waste. It had started before either of them had confessed their feelings for each other, and had continued on after, to the point that Eddie had come to expect the small liquorice gift whenever Buck and Chris had been out for the day.
He swore he saw a blush creeping across Buck's face, a sheepish smile settling there as he held out his plate to Eddie, offering up the liquorice for Eddie to take, and right then and there, any trepidation that Eddie had about the day faded away. For the first time in months, everything felt right. Everything felt exactly as it should.
He didn't think it was possible to fall in love with someone all over again, but there he was. Watching Christopher and Buck as the day went on, trying his best to keep up with them, and relishing in the slower moments when Chris went ahead and Buck walked with him, their shoulders brushing against each other occasionally, hands brushing as their arms swung loosely at their sides… He had missed this so much and he knew had come so close to losing it all over again.
"Can Buck come to dinner?" Chris asked as they neared the zoo exit, his eyes lit up despite the clear exhaustion that lined his features. "We could watch a movie too!"
Eddie looked to Buck, trying to quell the hope that sparked in his chest in case Buck said no. "If Buck wants to…"
"Buck?" Christopher questioned, smile wide and expecting.
Buck's throat worked, his eyes taking on that familiar and uncertain sheen that always made Eddie's heart ache. "If it's okay with your dad… I… yeah. I'd like that."
Which was how they found themselves on the couch in front of the television, a sleeping Christopher between them, as the day turned to night. Honestly, Eddie was surprised Chris had lasted as long as he did. He hadn't even expected the kid to make it past the opening credits.
He cleared his throat and pushed up, gathering Chris into his arms. "Alright, mijo, let's get you to bed."
Christopher hummed lightly as Eddie carried him, but didn't stir until Eddie tucked him into bed and placed a kiss on his head. A small and sleepy smile crept onto his face, eyes cracking open a tiny sliver.
"I'm glad Buck's home," he said, voice barely loud enough to hear.
Eddie stroked his hair gently as he went back over, before allowing himself to whisper his reply. "Me too."
He was almost scared to head back into the living room, afraid Buck would have disappeared, afraid he would be left alone once again. But Buck was still there, still sat on the couch, though he shifted and stood when he saw Eddie return and began fidgeting with his hands.
"Is he…?"
"Fast asleep," Eddie finished for him, nodding.
"Good…" Buck's tongue flickered out, dampening his lips, and he cleared his throat before hitching a thumb toward the front door. "I should… I er…"
Eddie didn't give him the chance to finish the thought, reaching out to grip Buck's wrist lightly, catching his gaze and staring intently into his eyes, one single word leaving his mouth, a breathy plea, a need as much as a want. He stepped forward, closing the gap between them as he spoke, his heart aching and desperate.
"Stay…"
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A/N: More to come...