She was an utter moron.
Saturday was Dean's birthday and Hermione had completely forgotten.
For some reason she'd omitted from writing it in her day planner and it was only Friday morning that she woke up and realised she'd double booked with Pansy.
Would she have rather gone to Pansy's?
She sheepishly admitted: yes.
Dean was nice, but she didn't know him that well.
Granted she didn't know Pansy all that well either, but there was just… something about Pansy that kept Hermione intrigued.
She still couldn't quite figure out what it was.
All the same, she'd promised Dean first, so she sent off an awkwardly formal apology letter to Pansy that same morning, causing her to be slightly late to work.
Kingsley gave her a look of disappointment, but nothing more, for which Hermione was extremely grateful for, since she already felt guilty enough.
Her day was a blessedly smooth one.
She only received one memo and it was from Dean, confirming her presence on Saturday.
Hermione sent off a politely affirmative reply.
When Hermione returned home that night, she still hadn't gotten a reply from Pansy.
Perhaps she was sulking. Or maybe, she'd simply just made other plans and forgotten Hermione altogether.
Hermione felt a little put out as she poured dressing on her peach and blue cheese salad.
She'd corresponded fairly regularly with Pansy all week, discussing books back and forth. It had been… rather nice.
The sudden radio silence was an empty feeling.
She nibbled at her salad and picked up The Tale of the Fae and the Witch, the last of the trilogy set Pansy had lent her.
Despite the building plot, Hermione had trouble getting into it.
She finished her salad, pausing to let Crooks nibble on a crumb of cheese.
She settled into her recliner and tried picking up her favourite book on Arithmancy instead, and still couldn't concentrate.
She turned on the telly, but her mind wandered as the Muggle newscaster rattled on about the usual Muggle things like infrastructure and the weather.
A sinking feeling dropped into her stomach.
She was bored.
When was the last time that had happened?
Nothing was bringing her joy.
She had spent so much of her time that week sending Pansy messages. Without that, it felt like everything else had lost its lustre.
Was she…pining?
No.
Impossible.
It was just all very different.
Yes, that was it.
The novelty of talking to someone new, with an interesting viewpoint was stimulating. And yes, Pansy did keep Hermione very…stimulated.
Hermione clenched her eyes shut.
This was ridiculous.
She was being ridiculous.
She summoned her knitting needles.
She just needed to keep busy is all.
She was in the mood to start a new project. A fresh head space.
For some reason, the black yarn seemed to particularly tickle her fancy.
She knitted away and listened to the Muggle newscaster prattle on some more, without really hearing any of it.
/
The party housed more people than Hermione expected, given the size of Dean's flat.
At least two dozen people were crowded into his shared space with Seamus.
It was an excursion just to squeeze into the living room.
Dean's face was already flushed with alcohol when he opened the door, enthusiastically ushering Hermione inside.
She barely said two words to him and presented him with a bottle of wine, when someone else grabbed him by the arm, insisting they needed him to open the keg.
Dean grinned apologetically but Hermione pushed him off with a salute and a promise to talk later.
She nudged her way to the kitchen, recognizing most of the faces but not enough to barge into their conversation.
"Hullo, Hermione. Quite a big party, isn't it?"
Hermione turned and found Luna staring at her from the tiny kitchen.
Grateful for someone to talk to, Hermione shoved past a few more people to join Luna behind the makeshift bar on the counter.
She was sucking on a stick of green onion and dipping into a glass of something purple and chunky.
"Would you like one?"
Hermione wrinkled her nose.
It smelled distinctively like vinegar and something vegetable-like.
"Thank you, Luna, but I've brought my own."
Hermione conjured a bottle opener and poured herself a plastic cup of the wine she'd brought Dean.
They cheersed and she took a sip, feeling slightly better.
"You don't like these parties?" Luna asked. Hermione had to lean in to hear her properly, over the noise of the crowd and the music.
"Do I look that out of place?" Hermione winced sheepishly. "I don't mind them, but I prefer more intimate gatherings. Like when we had dinner with the Weasl-"
She instantly stopped herself.
No, she did not want to think about missing suppers with the Weasleys. Not now.
She took a long sip of wine.
"I don't really like big parties much either," Luna answered, as if not noticing Hermione's lapse, "Though it is fun to watch everyone. That man has been trying to woo that woman over there for over an hour. I wonder why she doesn't just leave?"
Hermione looked over to where Luna was pointing and snorted.
A very drunk Cormac Mclaggen was leaning against the wall in a way he most certainly thought looked swaggersome, though it looked more like he was struggling to keep upright.
Romilda Vane looked entirely annoyed as Cormac talked her ear off while swaying like a bulrush.
"Well, it's not always easy to just leave. Maybe Romilda is just trying to find the right excuse."
"Maybe," Luna shrugged and stirred her drink with her onion. "Was it hard for you to leave Ron?"
Hermione swirled her wine. Normally she'd be offended by such a prying question asked out of the blue, but she realised no one had bothered to ask her that before. And it was easy not to take Luna's unconventional bluntness to heart somehow.
"It was extremely hard. Giving up Ron was giving up most of my life. It's the main reason I tried to make it work for so long when clearly it wasn't working at all."
Hermione stared into the depths of her wine glass, watching the reflection of her nose distort.
"I had two best friends and when I broke up with Ron, I lost three quarters of that. We supported each other for so long and to suddenly cut that off- it felt like cutting off a part of myself, too."
"He never really understood you, Ronald," Luna said, surprising Hermione.
"What makes you say that?"
Luna loudly sucked in a bit of her cocktail.
"Well, he wasn't always very nice to you, was he?"
Hermione opened her mouth to argue on reflex, but Luna was right.
Ron hadn't always been the nicest to her.
But they'd had plenty of wonderful moments together, too. Picnics and walks and trips just the two of them, and snogging under the stars and tickling each other until it turned into something more.
Luna hadn't been privy to every single positive and negative point of their relationship.
Still, Hermione was rattled.
No one had ever really called Ron out on his poor behaviour towards her before.
It felt…nice.
She felt her eyes moisten a little.
"I wasn't exactly the nicest, either," Hermione replied, trying for modesty, "We brought out dark sides to each other and Ron-"
Hermione cut off her sentence as Padma Patil walked into the kitchen.
The glare Padma gave Hermione was chilling.
"Oh, no one here," Padma said softly, and promptly turned away and left.
Hermione pursed her lips.
"She's a funny one," Luna said dreamily and Hermione snorted.
"I don't know why she's in sour grapes. She's the one dating my ex-"
Hermione froze.
So Ron was probably here too.
But so what?
Hermione was allowed to have fun and it was about time she stopped letting the memory of Ron prevent that.
She downed the last of her wine, poured herself another and squared her shoulders.
"Thanks for the talk, Luna," Hermione said firmly.
Luna waved both her hands and Hermione stomped off, determined to have an excellent time.
Hermione found a group of people playing a drinking game version of Exploding Snap.
She wasn't normally a game person, but in terms of having fun, this seemed as good a prospect as any.
Nothing but a simple, good time.
Seamus and Angelina looked up in surprise as Hermione shoved in between the two with a manic glint in her eye.
"I'm in!"
Angelina grinned, shaking Hermione's shoulder in a jovial way while Seamus whistled.
"Good timing! We were just about to start! Though ya cain't play with wine."
A heavy mug of ale was swapped for her near-empty wine glass and the game commenced.
Hermione really did try her best.
But Exploding Snap was a game of reflexes and Hermione was horrendous at those.
"Ah, that's ya loss again, Granger!"
She drank copiously and tried to be an elegant loser but it was difficult when Angelina kept cackling in her ear "Go on, Hermione! Don't be dainty! Chug it down! That's the sport!"
Two refills later, Hermione decided she had quite enough of this kind of fun.
Tottering off to Angelina's hoots of, "Blimey, Granger! Never seen anyone so bad at Snap! Y'sure can knock 'em back though!", Hermione scanned the room.
She spotted Parvati chatting to Cho.
Ah, girls talking.
Yes, yes, this was good.
Girl talk always promised some feminist bonding and feminist bonding was definitely positive. Hermione could use a good, sophisticated talk with women.
Without hesitation, Hermione pushed her way between them, her hands on her hips.
"Hello, women! Shall we discuss topics in the name of fun?"
Parvati and Cho stared.
"So anyway,-" Parvati continued, ignoring Hermione, "I told her I was only being honest, but she took it super personal. I mean, witches just don't wear that stuff. It's all stiff and hardly breathes and she says she barely washes them- how atrocious."
"Ugh, imagine not ever washing your clothes," Cho lamented in agreement.
"Truly, absolutely, disgusting behaviour," Hermione chimed in, not knowing what on earth they were talking about but certain that fun was at the end of it.
Both Cho and Parvati stared at Hermione again, then both glanced down.
"What? Oh no, did I spill wine on my jeans?"
Parvati snickered and Hermione pursed her lips, catching on quickly enough.
"What've you lot got against jeans?"
Cho shrugged, "They're just not all that flattering is all."
"Pardon yourself?" Hermione squawked, feeling bolstered by the alcohol, "Jeans are extremely flattering, and anyway, who cares about what other people wear?"
Cho and Parvati shared a look that said they both cared quite a lot. Enough to huddle about in party corners whispering about it.
Hermione rolled her eyes and Parvati immediately bristled.
"You can stop, you know."
Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Stop what?"
"Giving Padma dirty looks. You're not very subtle."
Hermione spluttered into her mug.
"What in Merlin's pants are you on about? Me? Giving her looks?"
"She's not an idiot. Apparently you waltzed into her office and glared her down before promptly leaving without a goodbye. And you've been eyeing her tonight too. It's a rather tiresome act."
"Wha- I was sick that day and I haven't been giving any looks- I have nothing against Padma!"
Cho snorted.
"Yes, of course. Sick."
"It's true!" Hermione shouted, "I don't give a fig about it! She can do what she wants, it's none of my business."
"Oh, she clearly cares," Cho murmured to Parvati and Parvati mouthed "I know."
"I don't! Stop that! I don't care! Ron can have who he wants! It's over between us!"
"He's very happy with Padma. They spend loads of time together," Parvati retorted cooly.
"Well- I- Good! Bully for them!"
Ugh. She was talking about Ron again. Would Hermione ever find a day when the memory of her ex would stop haunting her?
"You can't have all the men, Hermione," Cho said slowly, as if Hermione had been grabbing armfuls of 'the men' and stuffing them into her beaded bag.
It was so ludicrous that all Hermione could do was gape.
Parvati nodded.
"First Krum, then Potter, then Ron-"
"Wha- Harry and I were never a thing!"
Hermione shouted so loudly that everyone in the near vicinity fell quiet.
Fuming, she set her mug down loudly next to a lamp, crossed her arms, glared as pointedly as she knew how to and stalked off in a huff, thoroughly exasperated.
"She was the one who broke up with him, too," she heard Parvati whisper loudly to Cho and Hermione quickened her pace.
She locked herself in the loo.
Who knew having fun was so hard?
And where were Ginny and Harry?
The flat wasn't big, but there were enough rooms and people squished inside them that perhaps Hermione had missed them somehow.
She pulled out her wand and conjured a batch of multicoloured bubbles, shooting them out in a jet.
They floated around her, large and bobbing, colors chaotically globbing over the surface membrane.
Magic was always her favourite company when she was feeling low.
She thought about Pansy.
"Expecto Patronum," she whispered.
Her otter swam amongst the bubbles, weaving figure eights and batting at them.
"A message to Pansy Parkinson: 'This party is utter rubbish. I should've spent the night with you instead'".
The otter vanished and the bubbles popped, leaving Hermione in darkness.
A tentative knock.
Hermione scrubbed at her eyes and cleared her throat. Being caught feeling sorry for herself was more than she could take right now.
"Come in."
The door opened tentatively, a yellow light shooting a rectangle across the tiled floor.
A silhouette that looks oddly familiar.
"Hermione?"
Hermione sucked in her breath. She could see a brief outline of red hair.
"What are you doing here?" Hermione tried to say, but her words caught in her throat and came out raspy and pathetic-sounding.
"Someone said you were puking in the loo. I just…I dunno…I thought I'd come check on you."
"I'm fine, Ron. You can go."
Ron hesitated.
"Go, Ron!" Hermione said a little louder.
She couldn't take it.
She'd tried so hard to be at the same party with him. Have a good time. Let loose.
All she had to show for it was crying in the loo while her ex looked upon her with the most infuriating pity in his eyes.
She was mortified and embarrassed and why did he just have to fucking stand there gaping like a stuffed fish?
"Padma's waiting for you!" Hermione wrenched out.
"I…It doesn't matter. She's just- She doesn't mean anything."
Ron said it pleadingly, like that would make her feel better.
But of course it only made her feel worse. When did Ron ever know the proper thing to say to her?
"Don't say that, Ron. You both seem positively gleeful together."
"I miss you, Hermione."
All the air seemed to be sucked out of her lungs.
No no no.
No, this couldn't be happening. Not this.
He took her silence as encouragement.
Ron closed the bathroom door, shutting them in the dark.
"Look, I've had a lot of time to think while we were apart and- and, I know- I know I wasn't the perfect boyfriend. But I can work on it- that's what you do when you lo-"
"Don't say it! Don't you dare say the 'L' word!"
Hermione stood up. Her hands were clenched in shaking fists.
"I can't stop thinking about you! About where we- where I went wrong. I should've treated you better, should've listened more-"
"No…No, Ron…It's too late…"
She could barely talk through her sobs.
"No, it's not! It's never too late!"
He scooped her up and she was too tired and drunk to resist.
He was warm, firm. He also smelt like alcohol. He hugged her tight and so many old emotions came rushing back.
And what if they did try again?
Maybe they could fix this, work on it like Ron said.
As he held her, it felt like she'd come home.
But it wasn't her real home, was it?
Flashes of yelling.
The same arguments over and over.
So little progress.
Something seemed to shift in Hermione's memories.
They'd never fought this much as friends.
It had only gotten considerably worse the more they'd dated.
"Ron…Ron…"
He didn't seem to hear her. He was holding her tightly, as if afraid she would vanish.
"Ron, you don't miss me as your girlfriend, not really."
Ron pulled away. His face was red.
"Oh and I suppose you know what's best for me, do you?"
His snark always hurt her the most.
"No, listen Ron. You miss…you miss our friendship. We were best friends. We were ready to- to die for each other. You miss that. You don't miss me."
Ron opened his mouth angrily, but she steamrolled over him.
"I miss it too, Ron! You think it's been easy for me, to lose you in my life? We were inseparable, the three of us, for almost seven years! I…"
She hiccuped, more tears sliding down her cheeks.
"I want things to go back to how they were. So badly. But we muffed it up by dating. We never should've-"
She couldn't go on. Her throat was constricting.
"Don't say that, Hermione."
His thumb gently brushed her tear away. More fell and he diligently took care of those, too. It felt so nice to be taken care of.
"I don't regret any of it. It taught me loads. That's why I-"
"HERMIONE GRANGER IS SUMMONED TO THE FRONT DOOR. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY."
The booming voice pierced the quiet of the bathroom.
"What in the bloody hell-"
The bathroom door blasted open.
Padma, Parvati, Cho and Harry were all gathered on the other side, staring at Ron with his hand on Hermione's cheek. Padma's wand was pointed straight at Ron.
"What the fuck is going on?" Padma shrieked.
"Hermione? Ron?" Harry said in a small voice, his pupils darting so fast between the two of them that they almost blurred.
"We saw you come in here," Cho said to Ron accusingly.
"It's not what it-"
"HERMIONE GRANGER IS SUMMONED TO THE FRONT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT-"
"I-I have to go-" Hermione blurted out and shoved past all the bodies blocking her way.
She needed to get out of here.
She couldn't breathe.
Everything was happening, all at once and she couldn't manage it.
And she had a vague idea of who had come to collect her.
As she stumbled to the front door, she saw a familiar redhead blocking the entrance, gesturing fiercely.
"HERMIONE GRANGER, EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY-"
"Would you shut it? What do you want with Hermione anyway? Who even invited you?"
"Ginny, it's fine!"
Hermione tugged Ginny's arm, pulling her aside.
Pansy stood on the threshold, her wand pointed at her throat with an easy Sonorus charm.
She smirked, her eyes glittering brightly in two pits of black eyeshadow.
"OH GOOD, YOU'RE HERE," Pansy said, the charm magnifying her voice to the decibel range of a plane landing.
"What's the emergency?"
Pansy waved her wand and the spell ended.
"The emergency is that this party is rubbish, so I'm here to get you out of it," she answered softly.
Hermione almost laughed.
Ginny took a step forward.
"Shut up! Get out of here, snake, or you'll be dealing with Bat Bogies for a week!"
Pansy stepped into Ginny's space, matching glare for glare.
"Oh, I'd love to see you try, you dumb bitch."
Ginny yowled and, to Hermione's relief, a bunch of hands reached out, pulling Ginny back from throwing a fighting spell.
"Sorry mate, it ain't worth it! Not for washed up Slytherin slags!" Angelina yelled, putting Ginny's flailing limbs away.
Dean stepped in front of them.
"Hermione? Is everything ok?"
Hermione looked at him nervously.
What a fiasco.
She'd caused such a dramatic scene at his birthday.
Her face heated in embarrassment.
But she couldn't stay.
She was sick and tired and annoyed at everything and everyone here. She needed space.
"I'm sorry, Dean, truly. Something's come up and I've asked Pansy to Apparate me since I'm too drunk. Please, have a Happy Birthday!"
She finished rather shrilly.
She chose not to look at Ginny, who was fuming.
She chose not to look at Harry and the others, who'd congregated about looking confused and curious.
All she could see was Dean, and the disappointment in his eyes.
"Take care, Hermione," Dean answered dejectedly.
Sharp claws dug into Hermione's arm and then Pansy, to Hermione's intense relief, Apparated them away.
/