Tuesdays with Johanna

by evitascarlett

A Redemption Universe Story: Rick Castle is determined that despite a multitude of misunderstandings and wounded feelings, Johanna Beckett is going to be his "third time is a charm" type of mother-in-law…whether she wants to be or not; because he wants his family to be completely healed and happy before Johanna uncovers the underlying reasons for his mission. CastleFicathon2018

27. Chapter 27

A/N: Thanks for your reviews. There is a small time jump in this chapter.

Chapter 27

"Are you sure you don't want to just let this lunch thing go?" Kate asked as she watched her husband get ready to go out. "It's been cancelled several times now."

"I know, but that was because we were busy…and then you had your accident…and then she needed to regroup so to speak…but it's time to get back to it," Castle replied.

"Maybe it's not a good idea," she suggested.

"Why wouldn't it be a good idea?" he asked. "I felt like I was starting to make a little bit of progress and I don't want to lose that."

"Rick…you can't do this forever."

"I don't intend to…just until all the old issues are broached and cleared…and you know…maybe she becomes a little more comfortable being around. You want that, don't you?"

"Of course…I just…I'm just not sure that now is a good time for you to be pushing this thing," Kate said slowly.

His brow furrowed. "Why? Are you not feeling well? Is something wrong? Do we need to go to the doctor?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I feel fine and I'm having all my normal symptoms. I just think that maybe it's not a good time for her."

"Why?"

"She's starting to get distant," Kate said quietly as she toyed with her rings.

"What do you mean?" Castle asked.

"Mom…she's getting distant. Each day that gets closer to my birthday, I hear less from her. That's my fault, I know that…I made it this way that first birthday she was home when I tried to avoid her and she showed up at the precinct with a gift in hand. I made her leave…told her she shouldn't be there…to take the gift with her because I couldn't be having my mother bring me gifts at work. I sent her away…and then, since the media was still all over us, she found out about the party you threw for me…that I went to a show with Martha and Alexis the evening before after she had been begging me to go with her. We had a fight," she said with a soft scoff. "But that wasn't anything new…we had been fighting that whole month…and then fought through Christmas…and we know how badly that had turned out…we agreed no gifts for any occasion; and so began her tradition of getting very quiet when my birthday draws near…and when it gets here, she sends a text and a bouquet of flowers with a very blasé card so that I don't accuse her of being sappy or sentimental. This year, she's pulling away again…I don't care about not getting a gift or getting a basic card. I just thought she wouldn't get as quiet this time."

"Why did you think that?" he asked.

"Because of the baby," Kate murmured, her hand moving over her stomach. "Especially after this scare we just had…but she's getting distant anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was great during this whole thing after I fell; she was there every time I called…but now she knows I'm fine and knows the baby is fine…and my birthday is in a few days so she's going to go silent on me again."

"Maybe she thinks you still want it that way," Castle suggested. "Do you want it to be different."

She shrugged. "Sometimes I don't know…and I hate how that sounds. I'm fine with ignoring my birthday…I just…"

"You don't want her to ignore you."

"More than that…I don't want her to ignore…us."

"Us as in me and you? Or us as in you and baby?"

"Me and baby."

A grin played on his lips. "Oh, I see, you're fine with your mother ignoring me."

She smiled. "Yeah, I'm okay with that…because she would be very happy to ignore you."

"She has been ignoring me…which is why I hadn't gotten her back to lunch yet," he remarked. "But I've annoyed her enough to get her back to the table today even though it's Thursday instead of our traditional Tuesday."

"Since you managed it and you're determined to go through with it, don't mention my birthday."

"Oh please, like I have time to mention you when I have my own list to address," he teased.

Kate laughed. "Wow, really?"

"It's only fair after you said you're fine with being ignored," Castle replied dramatically.

"I said for her to ignore you, not me," Kate said lightly. "In fact she might like you more if you did allow her to ignore you."

"Not an option…you know I thrive on attention."

"Oh I know…it's one of the things that irritates her about you."

"It used to irritate you too but we're good now," he said with a smile.

"She's not as easy to win over as me," Kate replied.

Castle scoffed. "There was nothing easy about you, trust me."

She smirked at him. "It did take you four years to get what you wanted."

"True…and how many years have I known your mother now?"

"Three…so see, Castle; you might still have another year to go until you wear her down into a proper mother-in-law according to your definition."

He frowned. "I don't think we can wait another year with Jellybean on the way."

"Well…Jellybean will be here in May…and May will be the fourth anniversary of Mom's homecoming."

Castle nodded. "So see, time is ticking, I've got to get this thing done before we hit year four. But still, there was nothing easy about you, so don't even pretend there was."

"I'm not pretending," Kate replied. "I'm saying she's worse."

"Oh definitely, no disputing that…but I have managed to drag her back to the lunch table. She's dodged me long enough."

"I think you're going to be hard pressed to keep up this lunch date thing this time of year, Castle," she told him. "The holidays are coming and she's not going to be in the mood and I can guarantee that early January, you're not going to see her. Winter isn't her season…for obvious reasons."

"I'm hoping I can squeeze in between hang ups," he replied. "I know early January won't happen…but I think she thinks she's gotten rid of me because our little scare we had and she's wrong."

"Don't get too pushy; she's not herself this time of year."

"Maybe it's time she starts being herself at this time of year."

"Castle," she said quietly. "That's something she's going to have to do in her own time…it's not going to happen this year."

"It could if she let it…I mean she should want to get over this for the sake of her grandchild."

Kate eyed him with a firm glare. "Do not even think of saying that to her."

He sighed a little. "I wouldn't say that."

"You better not or you and I are going to have a major problem," she remarked. "You've annoyed her into coming back for lunch, so can you just go easy on her? She's already being distant; I don't want it to be worse. So just…be gentle, okay?"

Castle nodded. "I will do my best."

Kate frowned. "When you say it like, I know you're going to do the complete opposite."

He shook his head. "It'll be fine, I promise."

---

Castle tapped his pen against his small notebook as he waited at the café for Johanna to appear. She was late…as usual, he thought to himself, checking his watch once more but finding that it was only five minutes past noon so she still had five more minutes of her grace period to burn before he rang her phone. He sighed; wondering if she was bailing on him without texting an excuse but then he caught sight of a woman hurrying past the window, phone to her ear and he breathed a little easier. That was his mother-in-law…he'd know that fast clipped walk anywhere; not to mention the sparkle of her diamond engagement ring as it caught the sunlight while she held her phone. His gaze moved to the door, watching as she swept through as if she was hurrying…or annoyed, he thought as he gaged her expression as she drew near.

"Jim, do not send me to a sporting goods store," Johanna said as she dropped her purse on the table. "I don't know anything about those stores."

Castle said nothing, listening with interest as she slid into the booth. "I don't care!" she exclaimed. "I'm not going! I don't know anything about it, nor do I want to. You knew when you married me that to me the great outdoors meant laying on a beach; don't pretend you don't know that this late in the game."

He strained his ears trying to hear Jim's response but it wasn't clear with the exception of the annoyed note in his father-in-law's tone.

"Well here's an idea," Johanna said. "You could go get it yourself after work! You know what you want. You know what to look for, I don't. So go get it after work. I have things of my own to do, you know? I have to go get the dry cleaning, I have to go back to my office after lunch. I have things at home that need done. You can go get this one thing. I already got you everything else this week."

Oh great, Castle thought to himself, his in-laws were fighting, that wouldn't bode well for this lunch.

"I don't care that you don't like shopping," she exclaimed. "I don't like shopping in a sporting goods store either; that's why I made you do that crap when Katie wanted sports stuff. It's not my thing! By the time you're done arguing with me about it, you could've gone to get them. Now I'm done with this; I need to get this lunch thing over with so I can go back to my office and put up with the bitching there. I love you; see you at home," she said before disconnecting the call.

"Lovers quarrel?" Castle asked as she finally met his eye.

"No, he's going to go get his own damn gloves," Johanna remarked.

"Gloves?"

"Some kind of special gloves he wants; I don't know what he's talking about or why he doesn't want to just go get them himself, but he's going to have to because I'm not," she stated. "He knows what it is that he wants, he can go get it after work."

"Maybe he wants to hurry home to you after work," he remarked.

"He wants to hurry home to his dinner. Now what's this all about, Rick?" Johanna asked as she shrugged out of her coat.

"What do you mean what's this all about? It's about the same thing it has been."

"I thought we were done with this," she replied. "I know the secret and we've cancelled it enough that I thought it was behind us now."

"No, that was your wishful thinking. It just got interrupted," he told her. "But now we're back."

Johanna sighed. "I was hoping the interruption meant it was done. I really don't think there's much left to rehash…not that I wanted to rehash any of it anyway."

"Yes, I know, you've made that clear…but I think there's still work to be done."

"My daughter is still off work from her accident and you should be home taking care of her," Johanna stated.

"She's fine…besides, I'm getting on her nerves," he replied.

"She knew you had that tendency before she married you; you go home and make her live with the choice she made," Johanna remarked.

"I could take that comment in so many ways," Castle mused aloud; "But to be safe, I'm just going to let that one go…but you seem cranky."

Johanna shrugged. "That comes with getting old."

"Who said you're getting old?"

"I'm going to be a grandmother, being old seems to come with the territory of that title, Rick. It's not hard to figure out."

Castle shook his head. "You're not old…you don't look old; you don't act old…you're not anywhere near embracing old age so I don't think your age has anything to do with your crankiness today."

"Does that mean you're going to enlighten me about what you think it is?" she asked.

Seeing the waiter approaching to take their order, he paused the conversation. He ordered a cup of coffee and the special of the day but he noted that Johanna only ordered her usual Coke and an order of fries.

"Just fries?" he asked after the waiter hurried on his way.

She nodded. "That's what I want."

"It's a bit of an odd lunch."

"No, actually it's not," Johanna replied. "Sometimes I just want fries…is that a problem?"

"No," he said slowly. "Maybe they'll help your crankiness which is definitely not age related."

"Oh yes, you were going to tell me the reason for my so-called crankiness," she said as she toyed with a napkin on the table. "So go on, Rick; enlighten me."

"I think it has to do with you thinking you could get out of this and that you could go back to the way things were."

"Meaning what?"

"Being distant."

"I'm not being distant," she replied.

"I don't know…Kate's mentioned that you seem to have pulled back. Phone calls have been much less frequent, texts are short and blasé. In a nutshell, you're being distant once again…which is unexpected since Kate is home…and you know…there was worry about the baby."

"The baby's fine," Johanna replied. "Katie's home where she needs to be, getting the rest she needs to recover."

"But you're still being distant."

"I'm not being distant."

"What do you call it?"

"I call it being busy!" Johanna exclaimed. "I do have a life, you know."

"You claimed not long ago that you were never too busy for your daughter."

"I'm not, but she's grown with a husband, a job and a family of her own and I assume she's busy just as I am."

"What is it that you're so busy doing?" Castle asked.

"Rick, I'm really not in the mood to be nitpicked," she remarked.

"Well, I'm telling you that your daughter says you're being distant, you're saying you're not, that you're busy and I'm asking what it is that you're so busy doing that it's making your daughter feel like you've pulled back."

Johanna's jaw tightened. "Let's start with my job…you do remember that I have a job, right?"

"Of course; but work never seems to trouble you."

"I didn't say it was troubling me; I said I have a job…and we're at the part of the semester where projects and papers are in full swing and Thanksgiving break is going to be here before we know it and their attention spans are starting to lag. I'm playing referee between some of my groups in the classes who are doing the case project. I'm trying to stay on the class that needs to get this paper done, while also spending nearly a half hour of yesterday's class asking them what the hell their problem is that the majority of them failed the damn test I gave…because it wasn't even a difficult one. They did better on their midterms than they did this simple little test for the last chapter…but no one wanted to review that chapter in class when I offered…too many parties and activities scheduled for that week to worry about it. Needless to say but they were not happy with the news that we're having a redo of that test tomorrow and that if they don't pass it this time, there will be hell to pay in the form of massive homework assignments for Thanksgiving break when normally they wouldn't have to worry about anything but getting more work done on that paper."

"That seems a bit harsh of you," Castle replied.

"No, that's me cracking down; because they're too good to be blowing their grades because getting drunk after a football game was more important than being prepared for class," she retorted. "They're not happy with me and I'm not happy with them and their goddamn excuses for getting lazy this far into the game. I don't tolerate the majority of my class failing. If I wanted to be harsh, I'd let the first grade they got on it stand as is, but I'm giving the chance to do better…they screw up again, they get what they deserve…more homework because failure tells me they need to do more…not that I need your approval to handle my class as I see fit."

"Of course not…it's just you seemed to be well liked as a teacher, I'd hate for that to change."

"Rick; this is not the first time I've yelled and punished a class; it's all a part of the game."

"Okay then. When do I get to come back to class and play the cop in the courtroom experience thing?"

Johanna sighed and raked her hair back from her face. "You don't; we've already started."

"What!" he exclaimed as the waiter reappeared and put their food and drinks in front of them. "You said I could do it!"

Johanna waited until the waiter left them alone before speaking once more. "Yes, I did…but that was before Katie got hurt and had to be off from work. Your place is with her, not playing in my classroom."

"I could've done both."

"You needed to be with Katie."

"I think you could've at least mentioned it and gave me a chance to make the decision myself," he remarked. "I don't think that's fair, Johanna."

"Rick, I've run this project for several semesters now and you weren't a part of those occasions either."

"But you were going to let me."

"Things changed; Katie got hurt."

"That's just your excuse," he retorted. "I thought that when you agreed to let me do it that it meant we had made some progress."

"Rick, the fact that I'm staying on my class schedule by going on with the mock cases as planned has nothing to do with you or this lunch thing. If Katie hadn't gotten hurt, I would've reminded you of it and had you come in but things changed. I'm sorry if it hurts you but I'd rather your attention be on my daughter and her wellbeing than playacting in my classroom."

"I think that was just your convenient excuse," Castle remarked.

"No; it's the way it was," she countered. "Your wife is more important than being a pretend cop in a college classroom…and if you think she's not, then we're going to have a major problem."

Castle shook his head. "I'm not saying that at all…I just think with Kate being off, it made it a convenient way to go back on your word."

"I don't recall making it a promise in the first place," Johanna replied. "And I'm not discussing it any further. You want to know why I'm busy and I'm telling you; one class I have to yell at for failing their test, one group in the mock trials decided to start fighting amongst themselves during the trial; which held things up while I dealt with that and reminded them that this inability to work with their co-counsel is going to affect their grade and that's just one instance of issues with the group projects. Work is busy and a royal pain right now."

"So work is making you busy and distant even though you only work three days a week?"

"I'm in the classroom three days a week, I'm also in my office on Thursdays, which I've already mentioned that I need to go back to my office today…and I always have work to take home, so don't act like my job doesn't keep me busy, it does. You want to know what else I have to make me busy? I have a house to clean and keep up, a husband to tend to, a cat to take care of, meals to make, laundry to do, errands to run. I have Thanksgiving coming up and I need to do my shopping, we have to make plans for going to the cabin in December. Jim is leaving on his hunting trip this weekend and will be gone a week; I have to make sure he has what he needs before he goes…the things I understand that is."

"Jim's going on his hunting trip?"

"Yes; he goes every year. Why would this year be different?"

"I thought he usually went earlier in the month."

"No, it's usually around this time, just a few days later than usual."

"Nobody's mentioned it."

"It was temporarily on hold for him until we were sure that Katie was going to be fine; but she is and the baby is fine so there's no reason for him not to go. He's itching to go and there's no reason for him not to."

Castle nodded. "There's the reason for the crankiness…Jim's going away."

"I'm not cranky because Jim's going away. He goes every year; I'm used to it."

"I'm pretty sure that's the reason. When will he back?"

"Before Thanksgiving."

Castle hesitated for a moment then decided to wade into the area he was determined to tread into. "Will he be here for Kate's birthday?"

Johanna paused with her drink halfway to her mouth but she quickly regained her composure and took a sip of her soda. "No, he's leaving this coming weekend and won't be back until the following weekend."

"He's not going to be here for her birthday?"

"No…it's not like she's a little kid," Johanna replied.

"I know…I just didn't realize he was going out of town; Kate hadn't mentioned it."

"She's probably forgotten that it was coming up. I haven't mentioned it lately."

"Because you've been distant."

"I'm not!"

"And cranky," he added. "But I get it now; Jim's going out of town and you don't like when he's away. I just didn't expect him to be away on his daughter's birthday."

"She's not a child," she repeated. "He has a card for her, don't worry, I'm sure he'll drop it off to her before he goes. It's not like we see her on that day anyway."

"I wasn't concerned about it," he said, allowing the rest of her comment to go without notice for the moment.

"Then why are you harping on it?" she asked as she dipped a fry in ketchup.

"Because…it's been mentioned that you might be slipping into this distance thing because her birthday is coming up."

Johanna sighed deeply. "I told you; I've been busy."

"But you can't deny that you are distant when her birthday comes around."

"Because that's how she wants it," she replied. "I respect that."

"Time has passed," Castle remarked.

"Yes, it has…and the way she wants it is the way that works for her," Johanna remarked. "Leave it alone."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"I've made my peace with things," she replied.

"You could try a little harder, you know," he suggested. "Things are different now."

"If Katie wanted it to be different, she would say so," Johanna said as she dipped another fry in a glob of ketchup.

"Maybe…maybe not. She does know how stubborn you are and how quickly you get set in your ways," he commented.

"She made the rules; not me," she retorted. "With your encouragement, if I remember correctly…after all, the year I tried, I was told by my daughter that she didn't want my gift, she didn't want to have a meal with her parents, she didn't want to see me and that I should never visit her at the precinct…and I have never stepped foot in there since that day. You threw her a party and didn't invite us. I had been begging her to go see a show on Broadway and she declined the show I wanted to see because she had already seen it and yet she turned around and went with your mother and daughter to see that very show…so you see, Rick; my daughter made it very clear in words and actions that I'm to stay away on her birthday, and I do, because that's what she wants. I don't buy her gifts for her birthday anymore. I send her flowers with the plainest card I can find at the florist shop and send her a text wishing her a Happy Birthday so that she doesn't have to hear my voice. That's what she wants, that's what I give her. Jim gets her a card and gift cards for things he knows she likes; I'm not a part of choosing any of that, my name isn't on it."

"I'm aware of all of that," he replied. "But it doesn't have to stay that way."

"I'm pretty sure it does."

"Why?"

"Because it's Katie's decision if it changes and since she hasn't told me otherwise, she wants it to stay the way it is."

"What if she doesn't?"

"Then she can tell me so."

"But like I said, maybe she's hesitant to broach the topic with you…like I said, you get set in your ways."

Johanna scoffed. "Rick; she didn't have a problem telling me off about the issue of her birthday in a precinct conference room…in fact, she hasn't had a problem yelling at me in my own house, in a car, lecturing me on a city sidewalk or ordering me around in department stores, so I'm guessing that my daughter has no issue speaking her mind to me."

Castle swallowed a bite of his sandwich. "Fighting is always easier than broaching the subject…especially when someone is always defensive."

"Rick, I am so not in the mood," she said as she eyed him.

He shrugged. "When are you? You don't want to try and change things regarding her birthday because you like it this way."

"Is that what you think?" she asked, her jaw tightening. "You think I like being given rules for being in my daughter's life? You really think that's something I enjoy?"

"You must since you don't want to do anything about it."

"It's not my decision to make."

"It could be if you'd just suck it up and do something about it," Castle replied. "Why does everyone else have to take the initiative? Why don't you try it once in awhile?"

"Maybe because when I have tried, I've been screamed at, had my sins slapped in my face, been ostracized and thoroughly put in my place," Johanna stated. "When that's done to you enough times, you stop going back for more."

"I think you use that as your excuse," he countered. "I think you like having an excuse to be distant. If you're distant then you don't have to try and you enjoy that."

She scoffed. "Oh yeah, I enjoy knowing that I'm not welcome to celebrate her birthday…I mean I'm only the one who went through twenty-two hours of labor to bring her into this world, but sure, you can believe I enjoy it…you think you know it all anyway."

"Tell me about the day Kate was born," Castle said, trying to gentle things since she was growing more defensive.

"No."

His brow rose. "No? Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Why wouldn't you want to talk about the day your daughter was born?" he asked.

"Because they're my memories and I don't have to share them."

"You shared memories of the seventies and your early career."

"That was different."

"Why?"

"Because it is."

Castle was quiet for a moment as he thought it over. "Do you not want to share the memories of her birth because your sister told you to be more careful of what you share?"

Johanna met his eye. "Maybe…."

"You're going to take the advice of a woman who won't even speak to you in person?"

"She doesn't speak to me at all now," Johanna replied. "But she did have my back…she did tell me what you did…she did tell me about you giving her what I wrote about her. I'm not going to rehash that but knowing that you've shared my private memories with people I didn't give you permission to share with probably does hinder my willingness to share the story of the day of my daughter's birth. That one is more meaningful…so I can't let that one go."

"I thought you weren't holding a grudge about the Colleen thing."

"I'm not…but it doesn't mean that I don't heed her warning about what I share."

"It's kind of strange that you would take her advice when she's shunned you…and yet you don't ever want to take mine."

"She's my sister."

"Not much of one."

"That's between her and I…she's my sister…she's my blood."

"What am I?"

"Related by marriage," Johanna replied.

"Wow, that's warm and loving when I'm half the reason you're getting a grandchild," he remarked.

"Well, Rick; you've caught me on a bad day. I'm not feeling warm and loving today."

"I can tell…maybe you'd feel better if you talked more to your daughter."

"She knows where to find me if she wants me," Johanna said as she picked up her glass.

Castle sighed. "Johanna…things aren't exactly as they have been the last few years. Kate's pregnant…."

"I'm aware of that," she interrupted.

"Yeah, I know you're aware of it but you need start acting like it. It's different this year, she's pregnant, she wants things to be better with you and you need to start doing better and this is the time for you to start. You can do better than sending a vase of flowers; you could try showing up for a change. You need to do more; you need to do better…because if you don't…then are we really supposed to believe that you're going to show up for your grandchild?"

"I will be there for my grandchild!" she said firmly. "The rules Katie made only apply to her; they don't apply to the baby!"

"Oh so you're willing to try for the baby but not for your own baby…is that really the mother you want to be?"

"It's the mother I've been forced to be…you seem to forget that I did not make the rules."

"I haven't forgotten…I'm just saying that if you broke them, you could end this rule thing…so do better, Johanna. She deserves better from you so do it."

"I'm not discussing this any further," she said before finishing her drink. "Thanks for lunch, I need to get back to my office."

"You didn't finish your fries."

"I'm not hungry," she replied as she pulled on her jacket and grabbed her purse.

"Johanna, I just want Kate to be happy."

"So do I, that's why I respect her wishes," she told him as she slid out of the booth.

"Maybe her wishes have changed," he said as he hurriedly threw money down on the table and moved to follow her.

"Then she can be the one to tell me."

"I'm telling you…you can do better this time and you need to."

Johanna said nothing as she pushed through the door, her son-in-law hurrying to catch up.

"Hey," he said as he hurried after her. "What is your problem today?"

"Lots of things," she replied. "And at the moment, you're being one of them."

"We've been doing better, why do you have to backslide?"

"Why do you have to pick at things? The way Katie and I handle our business is between us. You don't have any right to tell me to go against her wishes."

"I'm telling you to do it because I know you can and that it won't be the dumpster fire you're anticipating."

She sighed deeply as she unlocked her car door and jerked it open. "I'll take it into consideration, okay?"

He scoffed. "I know what that means."

Johanna slid into the driver's seat of the car. "Goodbye, Rick. Tell Katie I love her."

"Tell her yourself."

"I will send her a text later and tell her," she said before shutting the door and putting the key in the ignition.

Castle watched as she pulled away from the curb. This lunch had been a waste of time, he thought to himself…they hadn't accomplished anything and she hadn't been in the mood to listen. He had no doubt that she'd do as little as possible for Kate's birthday as usual.

---

"You're home earlier than I thought you would be," Kate said as her husband stepped through the door of the loft.

"Yeah, me too."

She frowned. "Does that mean lunch went badly?"

He met her eye. "Be glad your mother hasn't called lately; she's extremely cranky."

"Was she cranky already or did you bring up something to make her cranky?" she asked.

"No, she came in the door cranky…and bickering with your father on the phone."

"Oh, well that would explain it if they're fighting. I wonder what set them off."

"All I know is that he wanted her to go buy him some type of gloves at a sporting goods store and she was making it clear that she wasn't doing it, that she had her own things to do and he could do that one thing for himself," he said as he hung up his coat.

"It's not like her to refuse to go get him something so there must be something more to it…he must've done something and not going to do his shopping is his punishment," she said with a laugh.

"I don't know, but she is very moody…and when pressed about it, her first excuse was that it comes with getting old."

Kate sighed a little. "She's mentioned age once or twice lately…that number never bothered her until she found out she was going to be a grandmother."

"She wanted to be one."

"Yeah; but she doesn't want to be old…I guess this age thing is going to be a little cycle she's going to go through until she's comfortable being a grandmother."

"You know, Mother didn't take it hard in an age related way becoming a grandmother to Alexis."

"Do you really think Martha never harbored that thought in her mind, Rick?" Kate asked. "Because I bet you she did…I figure all women do; some of them just don't say anything…while others mention it in subtle ways. Did she say anything else that was bothering her?"

"I mentioned that we haven't heard much from her and she went off on a tangent about being busy."

Kate eyed him. "You didn't bring up my birthday, did you?"

"Of course not," Castle replied as he went to the fridge to get a drink. "I just mentioned that we hadn't heard from her much. Miss Moody Boots, went off on her tangent that work is keeping her busy…and apparently annoyed…she's got errands to run, a house to clean, a cat to take care of, a husband…and I'm sure the main reason for her mood; your father is leaving this weekend for his annual hunting trip."

"Oh…I didn't know he was going."

"She said she hasn't mentioned it to you."

"That would explain the crankiness," Kate mused. "She doesn't like to be away from him for more than a weekend and this hunting trip is a week. It must be a little later than usual this year."

"He won't be in town for your birthday," Castle remarked.

She shrugged. "It's not like I'm a kid…he always gets me a card, I'm sure he'll make sure I get it."

"What are we going to do for your birthday?" he asked. "You said you weren't sure what you wanted to do."

Kate raked a hand through her hair. "Honestly, I'm good with going out to dinner and then coming home and watching movies."

"So a quiet celebration?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, I think that would be best this year…I don't really feel up to going somewhere loud and crowded…and you know my morning sickness mainly hits in the evening so…."

"Safer at home," Castle said with a laugh.

"Yeah, I think so…I can't trust our baby," she laughed.

He pulled her into his arms for an embrace. "Well it does have our genes so that's understandable; but a quiet celebration it is. Maybe next year we can do something bigger."

"Maybe…or just something with the baby."

"Or both," he said. "But we'll worry about that next year."

She snuggled into his embrace; maybe by next year her family issues would be more settled and things could be different.

---

Johanna was in the midst of eating the TV dinner she had heated up when Jim stepped through the door of the kitchen. "You're eating without me?" he asked accusingly.

"Well you were supposed to be home two and a half hours ago," she remarked. "I got hungry."

"Maybe I would've been home on time if you had gone and got my gloves like I asked," Jim retorted.

"Oh please, it didn't take this long to buy a pair of gloves," she replied. "And you weren't worried about me eating without you last night when you didn't get home until after eight…knowing that yesterday morning, you requested a specific meal, which I made, and then had to throw your portion in the garbage because you ate while you were out."

"I guess you're still mad about that," Jim stated as he washed his hands.

"Yeah, I am…because I did what you asked and then you blew it off. You called and said you'd be a little late and then don't walk in the door until hours later."

"Can you just let it go," he shot back as he opened the oven door to see if she had left a meal inside for him.

"Consider it forgotten."

"That usually means it won't be," he said as he pulled out the dinner that was keeping warm. "I don't know what the hell your problem is this week but I wish you'd get over it."

"Well maybe if you had spent any time at home this week, you'd have an idea about it," Johanna told him. "But you haven't; you've been too busy with your work, too busy with your plans, too busy with your friends."

"I have things to get done before I go on my trip," Jim stated.

"Yes, I know; you've told me…because what you have to do is the only thing that matters. When I say I have things to do, I'm just being a bad wife who won't go buy your damn hunting gloves."

"I didn't think it would be a problem since you don't work as much as I do. I mean did you really need to sit in your office today or did you just say that so you'd have an excuse not to go get what I asked?"

"Yeah, I did need to be in my office," she said firmly. "I have issues to resolve with all of my classes, which you'd know if you had taken a single minute this week to ask about my day or problems or issues; but you haven't. It's all been about you."

"So I got one week while you've had forty years of everything being about you?" he said before he could stop himself.

Johanna shook her head, trying to ignore the sting of his words. "You know what, just forget it."

He studied her for a moment. "I hope you get out this mood you're in before I get back from my trip."

She scoffed. "What do you know about my mood? You haven't been around enough this week to know much about anything. I won't even notice you're gone since you've hardly been home this week."

"Maybe your mood is why I haven't come hurrying home," he shot back, but he regretted the words as he saw tears spring to her eyes that she hurried to blink back.

"Since I'm not good company for you, I'll let you finish your dinner in peace," she replied as she pushed back her chair and rose from the table.

"Jo," he sighed.

"Come on, Scarlett," she said, beckoning their pet to follow her. "Let's let the master of the house enjoy his dinner in peace."

Jim watched as the cat got up from her spot on the rug and hurried after her; leaving him abandoned in the kitchen. He sighed, absorbing the silence of the kitchen for several minutes as he halfheartedly ate some of his dinner before he got up from the table and went in search of his wife.

He found her upstairs, laying on their bed, her eyes on the TV screen, Scarlett curled up in the chair across the room. He moved around her side of the bed and perched on the edge beside her. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

She shook her head. "I should've gone and bought your gloves. I'm sorry."

Jim breathed deeply. "The gloves don't matter."

"They do…if there's anything else you need for your trip, let me know and I'll go get it after work tomorrow."

"I think I have everything now."

"Then I'll pack for you when I get home tomorrow," she murmured.

"How about instead of worrying about that, you call Maggie and see if you two can go do something tomorrow afternoon."

"Maggie's busy."

"Doing what?"

"She's turning their guest room into a bedroom for Noah…she thinks Jeff might be wearing Chrissy down about letting them keep him while she goes on that trip with her husband."

"She might be jumping the gun on that…I know Jeff's been working on it but he hasn't mentioned Chrissy budging in any way so she might be going through all that work for nothing."

"Can't blame her for being hopeful," Johanna replied. "I need to get your stuff packed anyway."

"What's going on at work?" he asked.

"Nothing worth mentioning."

"Must be something to have you in the office all day."

"Just issues with the projects, issues with the papers, issues with the test."

"You want to be more specific about the issues?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't really matter. I'll get it all worked out."

Jim sighed a little; he had been a bit absent this week…and somewhat neglectful when he was home. He remembered her starting to say something about a stressful day at the beginning of the week but he had cut her off with a mention of his own work problems that needed taken care of before he left. "I'm sorry that I haven't been listening lately."

"It's no big deal…after all, it's been all about me for forty years now, you have a right not to listen for a change."

"I didn't mean what I said," he replied.

"It's fine, don't worry about it."

"Johanna, don't give me your tough girl card, okay?" Jim replied.

"It's the only card I've got."

"Well you don't need to use it with me. I'm sorry for what I said…and I'm sorry for being out so much this week."

"You're entitled to be with your friends, Jim; I just figured since you're going to be with them for a week, you might spare me some time before you left but you haven't and that's fine."

"Apparently it's not."

She shrugged. "It is…you're excited to go and you want to be with them after work. It's fine. I'll see you when you get back."

"I'm not going tonight."

"No, but you will be soon."

"Tomorrow I'm going to get home around the same time as you," he told her. "We'll go out to dinner and see a movie, okay?"

"You don't need to do that. I don't need a pity date. I told you; I'm going to come home and get your stuff packed and then I'll make dinner, you should have a home cooked meal before you go."

"Jo, tell me what's on your mind."

"Nothing really; just stupid things. Work has been a pain, winter is coming, holidays are coming."

"Katie's birthday is coming," he remarked.

"Yes, I know…I was reminded of it at lunch. I'm following the rules; I ordered her flowers the other day."

"I should've guessed that this lunch thing was a part of the issue."

"It wasn't really an issue; I left early…I didn't want to discuss her birthday anymore."

"So what is the issue?"

Johanna sighed. "I don't know, Jim. It's one of those weeks where a hundred tiny things have just clumped up together and it's put me off balance. I'll be fine by the time you get back from your trip, I promise."

"That's not good enough," he murmured as he shifted and squeezed in beside her, dropping his arm over her waist. "I want to make you feel better tonight…so tell me what to do."

"I don't know," she admitted. "You know this isn't my favorite time of year…I guess I'm just having a downswing. I'll get over it, I always do."

"We're going to start working on it now," he said, brushing a kiss against her lips. "The rest of this night is ours, no phone calls, no work. Just you and me…and tomorrow I'm going to come home early and we're going to go out and have a nice time that has nothing to do with pity, but instead because you deserve it and you need it, so no arguments, okay?"

"Alright," she murmured.

"I love you," he told her.

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry about this week."

"Me too," she said softly. "I'm a bitch."

"No, you're not," he replied. "You're allowed to have a bad mood…God knows you put up with enough of mine."

She breathed deeply. "Mine always seems different," she admitted.

"It's not. Do you want to go downstairs and finish your dinner?"

"No."

"What can I do to make things better?" Jim asked.

"I don't know…I guess just hold me for a little while; that usually helps."

"I can do that," he said, drawing her closer. 'What was said about Katie's birthday that made you leave early from lunch?"

"Just that I need to do more, need to do better…well she hasn't said that she wants things to change so I'm not going to go buy a gift I'll have to return, and I'm not going to go show up unannounced. He seemed bothered by the fact that you'll be out of town on her birthday so you better drop off her card tomorrow so you don't get a black mark against you in his book."

"I already planned on dropping it off tomorrow, but I couldn't care less about black marks in his book," Jim remarked. "You can sign your name to the card though, the gifts cards inside can be from both of us."

"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "I follow the rules. She doesn't want gifts from me so she doesn't get any. I don't like not getting her something but that's how she wants it and who am I to go and try and change it? Only she can do that."

"I get that…I just know how much these stupid rules bother you."

"I'm used to them…I just don't need someone besides her to tell me to break them…it's not her husband's place…it's hers…and clearly she's still fine with how things are."

"Maybe next year will be different," he replied. "She'll have a baby and know what it feels like to be a mother and maybe that will change some of her views."

"I doubt it…it isn't me being her mother that's the problem…it's the past hovering over me as always. I have to pay for my sins in some small way at all times. That's what it is."

"It's long past time for that to stop."

"We might think so but other people don't agree. I respect the boundaries she's set; I'm not going to go barreling through them to prove something."

"You can still sign my card."

"No…and I don't want to discuss it anymore."

"Alright," Jim relented. "But I hate to see you slipping into one of these melancholy moods…I don't want to go on this trip and think about you slipping into one of these moods…it's been awhile, you know?"

"I know, and I promise, it's not like that. I'm just out of sorts this week. I'll be fine. I promise," Johanna assured him. "You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure about that? Because I don't have to go."

"You're going," she replied. "I'll be fine…sometimes I sort myself out best when I'm on my own…so you go and have fun and I promise I'll be fine and feeling better when you get back."

He wasn't sure he believed that but he didn't want to fight with her. "If you're sure."

"I am," Johanna said with conviction. She wasn't going to drown under this cloud like she would have in the past…but it might float across her sky for a day or two until she got her mind occupied with other tasks.

---

Three evenings later, the night before Kate's birthday, the quietness of the kitchen was somewhat unnerving as Johanna waited for the cupcakes she had baked to cool. She moved to the counter and turned on the small TV to rid the air of silence and then returned to the table where she had laid out everything she had needed, her gaze falling on the piping bag full of icing that was awaiting her. She had never ventured into actual cake decorating…but she had been intrigued with the idea of making those fancy scallops and designs in icing. Her daughter's birthday presented her with an opportunity…although she was afraid it would look a mess or that she'd ruin the icing her mother had taught her when she had been a young girl. She sighed a little…she had even added some coloring to the icing…pale pink; but now she was second guessing that as well. Katie hadn't been a pale pink type of girl since she was about eleven…why on earth would she color the icing pink? It was like she was trying to sabotage herself from the get go…pink icing, what the hell was she thinking. Katie would wrinkle her nose at the sight of pink icing.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea, Johanna mused. Katie didn't like her butting in on her birthday…she remembered the rules. No gifts. No meal. No visit. Just because she supposedly mentioned distance to Rick didn't mean that she wanted that to change. Katie was pregnant, she had hormones raging; she could've been unhappy about the distance for a moment in the midst of a mood swing and then back to normal the next. She wasn't going to want her around today…and to be completely honest with herself, Johanna wasn't sure she'd be comfortable being around…not after the last time. She closed her eyes; why was she doing this? So what if Rick thought she should do more than send her customary flowers and text. It wasn't like he had anything to lose…she always did all the losing and she was tired of that. For over a decade now she had been continuously losing…gaining…losing in new ways. It took it's toll and she was weary of it when it suddenly lurked around a corner. She didn't have to do this…she could eat the cupcakes herself and never mention them to anyone.

But if she didn't do something more for Katie's birthday, it would be another black mark against her…and God knows she had enough of those. So she had baked the cupcakes that evening and she was going to pick up that piping bag and allow herself to be creative; after all she had been watching videos and had done a practice run with some store bought icing. She would do this…she would put that pink icing on these cupcakes, deliver them after work, come back home and hope it had been enough while ignoring the sting of knowing that now the holidays would be coming and her child wouldn't be there as usual. It was the way Katie wanted it…probably best that it be that way since her son-in-law wasn't exactly happy to be related to the Beckett family…and in all honesty, she wasn't exactly thrilled to be related to him either at certain times so she figured they were even in that respect. But she was trying as much as she could while staying inside the boundary lines that had been set. With that thought in mind, she pulled the tray of cupcakes closer and picked up the piping bag and hoped for the best.

---

Johanna stepped off the elevator the next afternoon with the container of cupcakes and a birthday card lying on top of it, but her stomach was in knots. She really shouldn't be there…Katie wouldn't want her there; after all, she hadn't said anything to her about feeling like she had been distant. She hadn't said anything to her about wanting to change things regarding birthdays and holidays. Why should she take Rick's word for it? He was known for stretching the truth. He was known for poking his nose where it didn't belong…she still hadn't heard from her sister thanks to his meddling and her heart stung every time she checked that email account and didn't find a message. Colleen cutting off the small amount of contact was one thing…completely losing her daughter and grandchild to be was another, she thought as anguish gnawed at her heart. She couldn't break Katie's rules…she just couldn't. She'd like to…she had never wanted them in the first place but it was what her daughter wanted and without her specifically saying it was fine to step across the line; she couldn't do it.

With that thought in mind, she stepped over to a stand in the hallway and sat down the container. She rooted a pen out of her purse and slipped the card out of the envelope to write a note inside. She hurried, the words quick and to the point and without the care she would've liked but she had to hurry before she was discovered. When she finished, she shoved the card back into the envelope and picked up the container. She hit the button for the elevator before quickly turning and setting the container and card down in front of her daughter's door. She waited until the elevator doors slid open before she pressed the doorbell and then hurried back across the hallway and slipped into the elevator before the doors slid shut.

As the elevator began its descent, she blew out a breath, hating herself a little for not being strong enough to break the rules…hating that she was going back home to an empty house…hating that the arrival of her daughter's birthday meant that the time of year she hated most was now upon her.

---

At the sound of the doorbell, Kate made her way from the laundry room to the door, swinging it open only to find no one there. Her brow furrowed as she looked up and down the hallway but found no one. She moved to step out further, but her foot bumped against something. Kate looked down at her feet, finding a container and a card lying on top. She bent down and picked up the container, moving back into the loft and closing the door.

"Who was at the door?" Castle asked as he came into the room from the office.

Kate sat the container down on the table and looked at the envelope that laid on top. "Based on the handwriting, I'm guessing it was Mom," she said quietly. "Which is odd since I already got the flowers she sent."

"She wasn't at the door?" he questioned.

"No…there wasn't anyone around. I guess she left it and got back on the elevator."

His jaw tightened. "Why would she do that?"

Kate shrugged as she opened the envelope and pulled out the birthday card that was inside.

Dear Katie,

First let me start off with telling you Happy Birthday once more. I'm sorry the cupcakes are somewhat messy; I was trying something new. I need more practice. I'm sorry I colored the icing pink; I know you don't care for pink. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry I left these and ran…but I have too much to lose to risk breaking the rules. Losing my sister was one thing…but I can't lose you and the baby. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I love you, always, Mom.

Tears stung Kate's eyes as she opened the container of cupcakes and looked down at her mother's creations. The icing was pale pink, a few dark pink sprinkles scattered on top of the scallops of icing that had been created. The design wasn't bakery perfect; there were places where she could tell that her mother had hesitated and paused…places where she had maybe been a little overly confident while in a rhythm and made a misstep that she hadn't been able to correct entirely…but they were still beautiful.

"What did the card say?" Castle asked.

"That she was sorry," Kate replied. "She said she just couldn't risk breaking the rules."

"That's ridiculous," he retorted.

She shook her head. "No, it's not."

"How can you say that?!"

"Because I helped make her this way," Kate quietly admitted.

"It doesn't matter," he exclaimed. "I told her she needed to do better…not drop a box of cupcakes and run. Just when you think maybe she's getting better she just shows that she's going to remain stuck in the past, unwilling to make any damn effort at all."

Kate's eyes narrowed at him. "What do you mean you told her that she needed to do better?"

He stammered for a moment, his mind working frantically to try and get himself out of this jam he had clearly created.

"Answer me," she snapped. "What do you mean you told her that she needed to do better?"

He sighed deeply. "At lunch the other day…I brought up your birthday…and how you mentioned that she was being distant…"

Her jaw tightened. "After I specifically told you not to bring it up to her."

"I know…but I know it was bothering you and since she's been home for awhile now; I thought maybe if she had a nudge, she could do better for you. You deserve better from her."

Kate shook her head. "No, I get what I deserve from her, Castle. I made her this way. I made the rules. Dad made rules. Colleen made rules. Everyone gave her rules to follow without the thought that they somehow became conditions of her being home and accepted back into her own family…because that's what we did to her when you think about it. With Dad, there's the spoken rules of always letting him know every move she makes when she's leaving the house; where she's going, when she gets there, when she's ready to leave, when she gets home and has the door locked behind her. There's the unspoken rule that Wyoming doesn't get mentioned unless necessary…which is why she calls her friend from there in another room…and when Carolyn came to visit that first summer she was home, she was barely keeping it together despite being so happy to see her and spend time with her…but she was so afraid that Dad was thinking she missed being in that place, that she couldn't totally relax unless he wasn't along on whatever sightseeing trip they were going on. He encouraged her to invite her, assured her constantly that it was fine…but she worried the whole time. I gave her rules about holidays and birthdays…no gifts, no visits, no dinners. I gave her rules about minding her own business…and she does her best to stick to those rules. That's why she gets distant this time of year; because there's my birthday, there's Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years…too many big occasions all in a row and she doesn't want to risk screwing it up so she stays quiet. She stays away. Colleen had rules; they could have contact but only on her terms when she wanted, with small exceptions and Mom stuck to that religiously…until you butted in there and upset the applecart. Now there's just silence there again…Colleen's never answered the messages, begging for her to believe that she had nothing to do with it and now as the weeks go on, she's making her peace with the fact that she's lost Colleen again…so she's not going to risk it, Castle. She wasn't going to knock on the door and risk me being mad that she showed up uninvited on my birthday…a day I've made clear in the past that I didn't want to see her on. She's so afraid that if she makes a wrong move, she won't see this baby…and that's my fault…and yours. So it's not ridiculous; it makes complete logical sense to her…and I can't be mad at her for that."

"I think to prove that she wants things to be better, she should've taken the risk and at least waited for you to open the door and handed the cupcakes to you," Castle replied. "She didn't have to stay if she didn't want to, but she didn't have to ditch and run either."

"Yeah; and you didn't have to tell her what I said and pressure her to do something more," she retorted.

"I just wanted you to be happy," he replied.

"Did you really think I wouldn't find it suspicious if she randomly showed up? Why did you have to pressure her? Why did you have to break your word to me and tell her?!"

"Because I thought it would be best for both of you! I just wanted you to have more for your birthday. I didn't think she'd do a cupcake drop and run. If she had just stayed the course, you wouldn't have known since clearly she had no intention of coming in."

"You pressured her…and broke your word to me…and now I can't even call her and thank her for the cupcakes because it'll be awkward and tense and everything neither one of us wants. Why can't you ever just leave things alone!?"

He sighed in exasperation. "I guess because I have this misguided notion of wanting you to be happy…and since you want your mother more than you used to, I was trying to give her to you."

"She's not yours to give! You should've just left it alone like you said you would because now I don't know what to say to her…now it's going to be awkward. Thank you so much."

Castle blew out a breath. "I'm sorry, okay? I just figured she'd either do nothing or she'd knock on the door. I didn't plan on her hatching a plan that landed somewhere in the middle of those things. I just wanted you to be happy."

Kate picked up a cupcake and peeled back the paper, taking a bite as she tried to tamp down her temper. "I know you had good intentions…but can you just try to think these things through a little more before you act on them?"

He nodded. "I'll try."

A sigh slipped across her lips. "That doesn't sound convincing and I don't want to fight, so I'm just going to eat my cupcake."

"She really should've known that I would make sure you had a cake," he mused, his gaze darting to the bakery box on the kitchen counter.

"I swear to God, if you tell her that, you're going to be very sorry."

"I won't…but still."

"But nothing," she replied. "This is my grandmother's icing on these cupcakes."

"So what are you saying; you like the cupcakes more than the cake I bought?"

"No, I like them both…but these remind me of my childhood…and my grandma…and Mom is apparently trying to get creative with the icing…they're not perfect in design but they are delicious…and proof that she did try, regardless of what you think."

"So you like them better?"

Kate rolled her eyes as she swallowed a bite of her cupcake. "It's not a competition and I'm not doing this. If you want us to have a nice dinner out later, you'll just stop this line of conversation."

He nodded. "That sounds like a good idea…can I have a cupcake?"

"Only if you're not going to critique it," she replied.

"I give you my word of honor," he told her.

"Then you can have one," Kate told him as she took another bite of her own cupcake. She wished her mother had stayed and ate one with her…but she understood all too well why she hadn't felt like she could. She didn't know what to do now…she couldn't call, it would be awkward and tense. Maybe she could send a text later…maybe that would make it easier for both of them.

---

She was a coward, Johanna thought to herself as she drove through the city. Plain and simple, she was a coward. She hated that word…and yet she couldn't think of one more fitting for a woman who couldn't wish her daughter a happy birthday in person. Johanna sighed deeply; she just had too much to lose to risk it on what might have been faulty advice. Her throat felt tight, wishing things could be different as her mind filled with memories of the day of her daughter's birth and the birthdays that had followed. She had been there for nineteen of those birthdays…forced to miss twelve after that…shunned on the first one she had been home for, rules put into place. It wasn't what she wanted; but she hadn't been given a choice in the matter…and given her deep never-ending feeling of guilt for what she had to do in the past, she didn't try to fight against it. She felt as though she had no right to fight what Katie wanted at that time or even now.

Johanna breathed deeply; she abided by the rules…there hadn't been any indication from Katie that she wanted things to change in this regard. She had done the right thing by leaving and respecting her daughter's wishes. Staying would've only caused tension and awkwardness…possibly worse if she had made her angry by coming. She did the right thing…the only logical thing she could do; no matter what Rick said. Rick really didn't have any right to try and change Katie's rules regarding her. She couldn't just take his word for it that she wanted it to be different. Clearly Katie was fine with her usual tactics of making a quiet retreat as her birthday neared. She had sent her flowers as usual and her customary text…and since she did bake cupcakes and deliver them, really Rick couldn't say that she hadn't done more than usual.

Another sigh crossed her lips; this month was only halfway over and she felt like she had more than enough of it. The days seemed to be dragging and it was getting dark earlier every day…she hated that. Work was stressing her more than usual…days of worry following Katie's accident had taken its toll. Jim was away and she was feeling lonely…among other things. Her eyes stung for a moment but she blinked back the moisture as she drove aimlessly through the city; she hated to go home to the emptiness of the house tonight when she was feeling out of sorts. She figured she could probably go stay with Frankie and Valerie for the night; they had already told her that she was welcome to bring Scarlett and come and stay if she was lonely…but she couldn't do that. If she did that and Jim found out, he'd hesitate about going on trips with his friends…and her brother might think she wasn't really over the past. She could go to Maggie's…but Maggie was having her sons over for dinner that night and she didn't want to intrude. Staying with Katie was out of the question…so she had no choice but to go home eventually.

As she continued to drive, Johanna realized that she had ended up in the neighborhood of her first apartment. She smiled a little as the building came into view; that apartment was her first time living on her own…it was where her relationship with Jim had begun…where they had started their marriage and where she had spent nearly six months of her pregnancy. Nostalgia filled her as she slowly drove down the street; the newsstand where she used to buy her magazines was gone…the little diner that was sometimes her go to for a quick dinner after a hard day had a different name and owner now. The streetlights were different. Some things had changed…but some had stayed the same…like the liquor store where she used to buy her wine…or tequila; whichever she had been feeling like back then, Johanna thought as she slowed down even more, a sudden craving for wine filling her without warning. She pulled into a vacant parking spot near the store and turned off the car. She worried her bottom lip as she stared at the building; she shouldn't do this. She shouldn't bring alcohol into the house…but Jim wasn't home…she could have a glass or two of wine…nurse the bottle for the rest of the week and get rid of it before he got home.

After all, it wasn't like he didn't know that she occasionally had a drink. She and Maggie would have a drink on a girls outing…she was able to do that now without feeling guilty for the most part…but she might feel guilty for this. But then again, he didn't have to know, she reasoned. With that thought in mind, Johanna grabbed her purse and got out of the car. She berated herself as she moved into the store and yet she couldn't convince herself to leave empty handed. So many things had crept up on her this month…she needed something, and as her eyes landed on the expensive bottle of wine that had always been her favorite, she felt like she had found it…even if it was wrong.

---

In his room at the lodge that evening, Jim picked up his phone and hit his wife's number, frowning a little at the time. He usually called when she'd be getting ready to have dinner, but tonight he had gotten caught up with his friends, playing pool in the lodge rec room, debating various sports teams and forgetting the stress of the last few weeks…and unfortunately forgetting that his wife would be waiting for him to call; that she might start to worry that something had happened. Of course as the line continued to ring, he began to wonder if maybe he should be worried…and his stomach started to churn, but then the line clicked and her voice floated across it.

"Hello," Johanna answered.

"Hey, sweetheart," he replied. "I'm sorry I'm late calling."

"Is it late?" she asked. "What time is it?"

Jim's brow furrowed at the questions, a hint of something in her voice that he couldn't quite put his finger on. "It's after eight. What are you doing that you don't know what time it is?"

"Writing a letter," Johanna answered. "I have to write a letter today."

He heard the slur in her words this time and his eyes closed for a moment. Something was wrong and she was drowning her sorrows. "Who are you writing a letter to?"

"Katie," she answered. "I have to write her a letter."

"Why do you need to write her a letter?" he asked.

"Because it's her birthday and that's what I do."

He knew it was what she used to do in Wyoming…along with drink a bottle of wine. She still wrote letters to their daughter when she needed to say things that she couldn't say aloud and she tucked them in a box in the back of the closet upstairs, but she had given up the wine part of the tradition…except she was drinking tonight apparently. "Why don't you just call her, Jo; and tell her whatever it is that you want her to know? Or you could've called and gone to see her earlier today."

"I tried to see her," Johanna answered. "I tried…I made cupcakes."

"Did you take them to her and she wasn't home?"

"No, I took them and left them outside the door."

"Why did you leave them at the door?"

"I didn't want her to be mad that I came," she said, tears leaking into her voice. "She got mad the last time."

"I know…but it's different now."

"No, it's not. I don't want her to be mad…if she's mad, I won't get to see the baby. I can't risk that. I want to see the baby."

"Sweetheart, that's not going to happen. Katie wouldn't keep you from seeing the baby just because you came to see her on her birthday."

"I can't do it," she cried. "I can't do it…Rick said I have to but I can't."

Puzzlement wrinkled his brow once more. "Honey, I really wish you'd quit going to those stupid lunches. Rick has no business telling you what you need to do in regard to Katie."

"He said it needed to be different…that she wants it to be different but she never said that and I can't trust him…you know how he is…he medles..deadls…medd…what's that damn word!"

"I know which word you mean," he consoled; hoping to soothe her. "He meddles."

"So I left," she went on. "I can't do it. I just write a letter."

"Sweetheart, are you drinking?" Jim asked gently, although he knew the answer.

"Don't be mad at me," she answered. "I don't want to make you mad."

"I'm not mad," he replied. "Are you drinking?"

"Yes…I got a nice bottle of wine."

"The fancy kind that was always your favorite?" he asked.

"Yeah, how did you know!" she exclaimed, a spark of lightness in her tone.

He couldn't help but chuckle quietly. "Just a hunch."

"I haven't had the fancy stuff in a long time," she said, her words slurring slightly. "I usually just buy the cheap one but I thought I would get the good one this time because it's been a long time. It's so good."

"You're entitled to splurge once in awhile. How much have you had?"

"I don't know."

"How much is left in the bottle?"

"There's still some in it," she answered.

"Above the label or below it?"

"What?" she asked.

"Never mind, sweetheart."

"Are you mad at me?" Johanna cried. "I don't want you to be mad. I didn't want you to know…I don't want you to be mad at me."

"No, I'm not mad."

"You promise?"

"I promise…where are you in the house?" Jim asked.

"In the kitchen, I had to write my letter at the table…and my wine glass was here."

"That's very logical," Jim said with a soft huff of a laugh. "Where's Scarlett?"

"She's here."

"Okay, listen to me, did you feed her before you found your wine glass? Check her bowls and make sure she's got her food and water. Look right now and tell me."

"Okay."

He listened intently, hearing the sound of a chair being knocked into. "Are you okay, Jo?"

"Yes, the chair bumped me."

"Shame on it for jumping out in front of you," he commented.

"I hate when they do that," she replied. "Do you hate that?"

"I hate it too," he agreed. "Does Scarlett have her food and water?"

"Yes; her water bowl is full and there's food in her food bowl."

"Okay, good. Now go to the back door and make sure it's locked for me."

"Why?"

"Because I want to know that you're safe. Check and make sure it's locked now."

"It's locked," Johanna said after a moment. "It won't open, I tried."

"Good. Now get Scarlett and go check the front door."

"I can't carry her and my wine glass."

"You don't need your wine glass."

"But it's not empty yet."

"No more wine, Jo; you've had enough."

"You're not the boss of me!" she exclaimed.

Jim schooled himself not to fly off the handle; she was going to bounce between extremes; she always had when she was drunk. "I'm not trying to boss you, sweetheart," he said gently. "I just want you to stop so you won't be sick through the night."

"I'm just going to drink this little bit in my glass," Johanna replied. "Okay?"

Jim sighed. "Alright, Jo; finish what's in your glass and then put it in the sink."

There was silence on the line for a moment as she finished her drink but then he heard the sound of her moving…and then the sound of glass breaking. "Johanna, what happened?"

"I dropped my wine glass in the sink," she cried. "My wine glass broke."

"It broke in the sink?" he asked to clarify.

"Yes," she sniffled. "It's broken…it's the only wine glass I have."

"All the glass is in the sink? There's none on the floor?"

"No; it's broken in the sink," she cried. "I don't have another wine glass…I can't drink no more wine without my glass."

"Sweetheart, I'll buy you a new one, okay? Just leave that one in the sink until tomorrow. Don't touch it, I don't want you to get cut, okay?"

"Okay," she cried. "But it's broken."

"I know, but I'll get you a new one; leave it where it is. Tell Scarlett to come with you and go check the front door. I want to know that it's locked."

"Come on Scarlett," Johanna said as she did what she was told.

"Good girl," Jim replied.

"Do you want me to turn off the light?" she asked.

"Yeah, go ahead and turn off the light, you're done in the kitchen," Jim told her.

He listened as she made her way through the house to the front door. "It's locked," she stated.

"Is the chain on?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Now take Scarlett and go upstairs."

"What am I going to do up there?" she asked.

"You're going to go into our room, turn the TV on and get in bed. Do you have your pajamas on?"

"Yes."

"Okay, it's time for you to get in bed and watch TV."

"But I have to go to the bathroom," she replied.

He bit back a laugh. "Okay, lay the phone down, go to the bathroom, when you're finished, leave the bathroom light on…"

"Why?" Johanna interrupted.

"I want you to leave it on in case you don't feel good during the night and have to get up. Now go to the bathroom, leave the light on and then come right back to the phone, okay?"

"Okay, I'll be back; don't leave," she replied.

"I'm not going anywhere," he promised.

The minutes stretched out quietly as Jim waited for her to come back to the phone. She occasionally would have a glass of wine with Maggie during a girls outing but it had been a long time since she had gotten drunk. In fact, he was sure that the last time had been that first year she was home. A part of him blamed himself; this damn trip had gotten pushed back a few days because they had been somewhat late reserving their rooms and that meant he wouldn't be home when Katie's birthday came around. She had assured him as always that she'd be fine…and she probably would've been if Rick had stayed out of the rules she and Katie abided by.

"Jim," he heard her say as she picked up the phone. "Are you still here."

"I'm here, sweetheart," he answered. "Did you leave the light on?"

"Yes."

"Good. How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy."

"Go get in bed, Jo. Get under the covers so you'll be warm."

He listened to the sounds of her pulling the covers back on the bed and then her movements as she got into it. "Are you in bed?" he asked.

"Yes; now what?"

"Turn the TV on so you have something to watch."

"Okay, I turned it on, can I watch Reba?"

Jim laughed. "Yeah, sweetheart; you can watch Reba. Is it on?"

"Yes, she's on this channel. I like this show. Katie called it stupid but I like it."

"It's okay that you like it; I don't mind watching it with you."

"We should go to a concert and see Reba," his wife stated. "Let's do that. Can we do that?"

"Absolutely," he replied. "As soon as she has a concert nearby, we'll go."

"And we need to see Cher again."

"We'll do that too," he agreed.

Johanna yawned. "What else are we going to do?"

"I figure we'll take a few vacations," he replied. "I'm going to take you somewhere warm for your birthday; but we'll talk about that later."

"Why not now?"

"Because you're sleepy," Jim replied. "And you're going to watch Reba and go to sleep. Is Scarlett in the chair?"

"She's at the bottom of the bed; don't be mad."

"I'm not mad, sweetheart. I don't like her to be on the bed too often but it's okay if she's there tonight."

"Okay; cause I don't want to move her."

"You don't have to; Scarlett can stay where she is, and you're going to stay in bed and watch your show and go to sleep."

"What are you going to do?" Johanna asked tiredly.

"I'm going to go to sleep too," he replied, figuring that was the best answer to give.

"I miss you," she murmured.

"I miss you too. You go to sleep now, sweetheart," Jim said quietly. "I love you."

"I love you," she replied; sleepiness tinging her tone.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Jo; go ahead and hang up."

"Kay, talk to you tomorrow," she murmured before ending the call.

Jim sighed deeply as he pulled the phone away from his ear; that wasn't the call home he had expected…and he wished for the moment that he wasn't hours away from her; that he could've been there to comfort her and keep her from the need to drown her sorrows. But he wasn't there…and it worried him that she was alone for the night. He'd have to get someone to go check on her in the morning for his peace of mind.

---

Kate had just returned to the sofa after a false alarm of morning sickness when her phone rang. She snatched it up, wondering where her husband had drifted off to as she accepted the call.

"Hello," Kate answered.

"Happy Birthday, Katie," Jim replied.

"Thanks, Dad; I'm sorry that I forgot to reply to your text this morning…morning sickness struck before I could answer."

"That's okay, I figured you were busy. Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine…I still have a few more days to be off but I'm feeling normal again…or I guess I should say the normal I'm used to now."

"That's good," he replied. "The baby's fine?"

"Yeah; the baby's fine too," she remarked; feeling as though something was off with her father. His tone didn't seem quite right. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Katie."

"Is everything going okay with your trip?"

"Yes; it's going well. The weather isn't too bad."

"You seem worried."

"I just…I didn't want to interrupt your evening; I didn't know what plans you had for your birthday."

"You're not interrupting; we kind of made it a quiet affair this year. We went out to dinner and then came home to watch movies since my sickness seems to come mostly at night."

"Your next birthday will be better, Katie. Your baby will be here; that will make it special for you. I know my first birthday with you was special to me…and I tried to make your mother's first birthday with you special…she didn't want to leave you that night to go to dinner; her birthday was the last day of her maternity leave and she wanted to hold you all day."

"But you dragged her out of the house?" Kate asked, infusing lightness in her tone as she sensed his hesitation to tell her what was on his mind.

"Yeah," he said with a quiet laugh. "Believe me, it was only dinner and right back to get you. So you see, next year you'll have someone extra to celebrate with."

"I know…it's a little hard to picture right now but I know everything will feel different."

"It will," he agreed.

"Dad; you still seem worried…you're not one for small talk."

Jim sighed. "If you're feeling up to it tomorrow, could you go check on your mother?"

Her brow wrinkled with puzzlement. "Yeah, I can do that…is something wrong?"

"I wouldn't say something's wrong exactly."

"Dad, you're worrying me, what is it? Mom came over earlier but she just left cupcakes and a card at the door and left, she didn't wait for anyone to answer."

"I know."

"So what's going on? Do I need to go over there now? Is she sick?"

"No…she's…well..."

"Well what!?"

Jim breathed deeply. "She took up an old habit this evening, bought herself a bottle of wine and when I called she was drunk. I made her check the doors while I was on the phone; they're locked and the cat has food and water. I made her stay on the phone until she was in bed, hopefully she's stayed there. I'd just feel better if someone checks on her tomorrow…if you can't, I'll see if I can get Maggie. I probably should've tried Maggie first. I'm sorry I bugged you with this, Katie; let me call and see if I can get Maggie to go over tomorrow, that might be best."

"No," Kate replied. "I'm going to go over there tomorrow and check on her. What brought this on, she hasn't done this in a long time."

"I know, that's why I want someone to check on her…I don't know how much she's drank but she's going to have a hangover."

"Did she say why she was doing it tonight?"

"No."

He was a little too quick with the answer, Kate thought to herself. "You want to try that answer again?" she asked. "We all know when you're quick with a no that it usually means the opposite."

"It does not!"

"It does, Dad…so what reason did you get out of her."

Jim found himself sighing once more. "The only semblance of a reason I got out of her was because she couldn't bring herself to knock on your door and wait for you to answer today…because you never said you wanted things to be different but Rick pressured her at lunch to do more this year…but she doesn't trust him since he has a knack for meddling. I also believe it came from the fact that she's alone on your birthday this year…and it brought back bad memories."

Kate's eyes closed for a moment as she took in that information. "Oh," she breathed. "I hadn't thought much about her being alone this week because we haven't really talked much."

"I know," he murmured. "And no, I'm not blaming you for that and I'm not blaming her either…it's just the way things are this time of year. I think she would've been fine though if Rick hadn't pressured her and I'm not saying that to be mean, Katie…."

"I know," she interrupted. "I get it…and while I admit mentioning to him that she was pulling back, I also told him not to bring it up because I didn't want her to feel like she had to be here."

"She always wants to be there, Katie; she just knows the rules you gave her and if you're not the one telling her that she can break them, then she doesn't trust anyone telling her to do so."

Tears stung her eyes. "I'm always making a mess of things," she replied, her tone quivering.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do…I made the stupid rules and I was fine with them…but now things are different in some ways and I thought maybe this year would be different but I wanted it to be on her terms. I didn't want anyone getting in her head about it…not Rick, not me…I wanted her to make the decision and she couldn't and I understand why she couldn't…but he pressured her without me knowing until earlier…which is why I couldn't even call and thank her for the cupcakes because I knew it would be awkward and tense. Now she's at home drinking and maybe she wouldn't have been if I had just called."

"Katie; it's not your fault," Jim told her. "I don't think it's just today that led her to a bottle of wine tonight. I think she's had a lot on her mind this month. She's trying to do better for you…she keeps going to those damn lunches like she has to prove something to your husband. Work has been on her nerves. You got hurt and she was worried sick about you and the baby and trying hard not to let you see that so that you'd stay calm…this trip was a few days later than they usually are so she's alone and thinking too much. It's your birthday and she's alone and that brings back bad memories but I also think a lot of other smaller things played into it. She's having a rough month after awhile of being steady. She kept asking me not to be mad at her and I'm not, it's not something she does often and I get why she felt a need for a vice…I just want you to check in on her tomorrow but if it's going to make you uncomfortable, I'll call Maggie; no hard feelings, I promise."

"No," she replied. "I'm going to do it…I want to make sure she's okay and maybe we can talk about it."

"Are you sure?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Alright, but if you change your mind, let me know even if it's in the middle of the night that way I can call Maggie in the morning before we head out. I'm going to call your mother in the morning too of course but I'd feel better if someone looked in on her."

"I promise I'll check on her."

"Alright, Katie; I'll let you go. I hope you had a nice birthday. I'll talk you later."

"Have a good night, Dad," she said before ending the call, knowing that he wouldn't get much rest. He'd be too worried about her mother…worried about calling her instead of Maggie. He'd be tied up in knots about the whole thing…and truth be told, so would she, Kate thought with a sigh. She wouldn't feel better until the morning when she could go over and make sure all was well with her mother.