I will never be able to compose

The genius that left their mark on history are just too far away for me to even dream to reach them.

I will never be able to compose, but I wish I was that good.

It's not like I also love playing the piano, I just started playing because I wanted to make use of the skills I was taught at an early age, like almost for mere instinct

I don't feel passion doing it, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive

I often get reminded of my lack of drive when I think about all my second or third places in the tournaments I have gone

Just once I was able to win one, it's barely a memory at this point, but there was a brief moment in my life when I put my life on every note

Now the judges praise my ability but always say "you lack that je ne sais quoi girl, you can do better, your timing is on point, but I don't see you having fun with your instrument"

I just look at them with no energy to respond, just thank them for their insight and move on

I will never be able to compose, I already tried it before, but to no avail, the music sounded stupid, was low level, was dull, was boring

I wish I was able to compose though, I wish to attain the greatness of the maestros

It's just another day huh

I will go to the music classroom, abandoned by the rest of the school

I will play the piano, apparently with no reason to do it, but well, I kinda feel I like it sometimes

Sometimes, only sometimes, I have a little bit of fun, and even may sing a little

It doesnt always happen, it rarely happens to be honest, I dont think anyone has ever listened to me

"Aishiteru banzai, koko de yokata…"

Then why

Why was she there

What were the chances that she out of all people could be there at that exact moment

"OOOOHHHHHH"

W-who is this person

What could she possibly want

"YOU SING SO BEAUTIFULLY AND YOU PLAY THE PIANO VERY WELL"

I could tell with just a glance if someone praised me only to ask for a favor, it happened before with girls in my class just trying to copy my homework, I had just seen it all the time happen around me too

She was not doing it with any hidden reasons

She wanted me to know how much she appreciated my singing and playing

It's just as simple as that, however, who else is going around saying such bold things while also actually meaning what they say? Is this girl… okay? is she normal even?

Eh? Am I smiling? My face wants to smile but I'd rather not show a smile, I may show vulnerability by doing that

"What do you want?"

"Eh? I just wanted to tell you that I really really like your performance!"

Such a simple minded individual, such a silly statement.

Why do I feel so happy though? It's like every word that comes out her mouth gives me energy…

"Is that all? Then I'm leaving"

This is bad, I actually don't want to become close to anyone, not after what happened a long time ago, I'd rather keep myself to myself. This girl is like… she has a magnet to bring people to her, I feel that I will show her a side of me I have hidden for a long time if I continue interacting with her. I must go.

"Ah wait!"

Please just let me go…

"I actually wanted your help!"

She was interested in getting favors from me? How could she even hide her intentions like that? No, she meant what she said and also wanted my help, she was not lying, I saw it in her eyes, she enjoyed my little act a little too much, and ALSO wanted me to aid her on something. No, I should go, I…

"Could you compose a song for me? You see… I have formed a group, a group of school idols! And we need a song, I promise I will only bother you this time!"

Idols? My artistry as mediocre as it could be, aimed in another direction, I don't have respect for that genre of music. It's so silly, so unserious… I will tell her my thoughts, that way I can be alone again

"Idols? Heh, sorry, I don't like that genre"

"Woah you're also really beautiful, would you not mind joining us? Become a school idol yourself?"

Is she not listening…

Did she just call me beautiful? I have been told that many times actually, but why is it only now that I actually feel something because of it? Oh no, this girl is dangerous…

"Ah? Me? No thanks, not at all! Their music is not actual art, it's such a cheap form of entertainment"

"Oh but it's actually a little harder than it seems. Can you try doing push ups?"

Where did that come from

"For what?"

"Just do it"

I will have you know, I never even once obeyed my classmates asking me for stuff.

Yet here I am, doing what she says without questioning too much

"I can do it, no problem at all, 1, 2"

"Now try doing it while smiling"

What?

"3… 4…"

The smile was in my face for a fifth one when I couldn't resist more and just stood up

"See? An idol must put her best effort into delivering a great performance while also wearing a big smile!"

Seriously, what is this all about?

"Okay, I admit it, their craft may actually require some effort from them"

"Then?"

She looked at me, this time with puppy eyes, trying to convince me to join her. It was working, what the hell. No, I will not yield.

"I refuse!"

I may have said that a little too loud

"Eh? Why?"

Please stop, I don't know what is wrong with me, I barely know her but if she continues I feel I would join her in whatever she asks me to do

"I refuse!"

And I left.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I feel overjoyed

I have been asked previously to join other endeavors, like the school band in my former school, or to play on the opening day of Otonokizaka. I have always said no, I always felt they were stuff not worth my attention.

When I realize it I'm staring back at the girl, who doesn't notice my presence.

She has a certain look of determination on her face

I feel she's going to do something actually big

I actually would like to see where she takes me

But I also felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life by just being by her side just for some minutes

I don't want that…

Well, I arrived home, I don't really know what has got into me, i'm still shaking, still with a big dumb smile on my face, still nervous, I actually feel I would have wanted to stay a little more, not even a conversation was necessary, her presence just invites you to be by her side. Just who is this girl?

It's not like I am interested in her

It's not like that!

It's not like I will gather as much information as possible about her

I just

I just wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her

If that's not the case, it would be so unfair

Anyways, oh I don't even know her name

Damn, damn!

Today, I dreamt about her. To be honest, I have dreamt about her every night since I've met her. We don't say any words to each other, the only thing that happens is that she takes my hand which I allow her to do, and she takes me to the most beautiful places in the world. It's got to the point I have found myself crying of joy and also sadness when I wake up.

Just one more minute, please don't let my hand go

My mom saw me, and also she and papa have noticed changes in me.

I actually think my life before that day I saw her was in black and white

And now everything is so full of color

I live waiting for the next day

I'm excited about the future

I enjoy my breakfasts, my lunch never tasted so delicious, I did a bit of research on idols and I kinda started liking them.

When I see them I think about her.

It's like they tried to emulate a little of the emotions she's able to make you feel

But no, they don't even come close

I think that she was born for this

I also often think if she would still allow me to join her

It's embarrassing

But I feel like I really want to be by her side

I also did a bit of research about her.

Her name is Honoka Kousaka, she's in 2nd year of Otonokizaka, so she's a senpai. Her two closest friends are Sonoda Umi who takes part in the archery club and Minami Kotori…

I actually kinda don't like Kotori and it's not even her fault. I just don't like seeing her have Honoka all for herself. I also could take care of her. Matter of fact, I could do it better.

Idk she just makes me mad only for that

That aside, I know she's a nice girl

If she only wasnt that close to Honoka though

I also know where she lives and that she has a little sister and also lives with her dad and her mom, and she also has a cat. Oh and her family owns a traditional japanese sweets shop

I am now playing the piano with all my might and singing noticeably louder

When will she come back?

Will I even be able to tell her yes this time?

I'm stupid with this stuff

Nevermind the music classroom, it seems her friends and the first who took part on her silly attempt to "save the school" (yeah I also know about this, for fuck's sake Eli, let her do her thing) are getting tired of her not finding a composer

You know what

I would have said yes if you had come alone

But you are with these… two…

"I refuse!"

"But please, we really need you"

Both of her friends are helping her in her attempt to persuade me, but it's no use, I feel kinda betrayed that you brought them

"I refuse!"

Again, alone

Life again seems to be in black and white

I should have just said yes ffs

Now I feel sad

What if she doesn't approach me anymore

What if her friends tell her I'm a rude person and that she shouldn't try anymore with me

I don't want that, I don't… I really don't want that

Goddamn why am I crying now

I'm a complete mess of tears

Please no, please just one more time, please just one more chance. I promise I will not let you down

Come my way once more

Please…

That day I ended up crying until I fell asleep

Mama has noticed me

She wants me to tell her what has happened

But I refused until the end

She still told me I can count on her for anything and that she will always be there for me no matter what

She theorized that I may have fallen in love though, and that made me almost spill my dinner and I was the reddest I have ever been my entire life

She hit the nail and has been a little annoying about it

Some days later I still play the piano with half hearted enthusiasm

I still put some effort into it trying for her to find me again

Do I even deserve her attention after all of this?

"Hey!"

She she she she

She came back!

AAAHHHH I don't know what to do I thought I'd never see her again

Wait I can't let down my guard, maybe she just was passing around

Maybe she just wanted to tell me she doesn't need me no more

And that she's sorry for bothering me

Oh wait that would absolutely destroy me

Please do not say that to me

You know nothing but you already have great power over me

I will probably cry for days if you do that to me

"Please, please, please, Maki-chan!"

How does she know my name?

Damn why wasn't I who told her

Why did it have to be someone else

Wait, I'm flustered?

She only said my name and I already feel flustered?

God, I have to keep my composure, breathe deeply and calm down Maki!

"Please compose a song for us!"

Of course!

"I refuse!"

Why do I have to be so hard to deal with, oh my god

I hate myself this instant for not being able to be honest with myself and let her embrace me and make me compose as many songs as she wants me to

As much as I really want to join her my pride still is in my way

Is it over for me?

I feel sick, why do I have to be so rude to her

I can be rude to anyone, I don't care

But being rude to her makes want to die, I don't want to treat her badly

Why am I like this…

I might as well leave, I don't want to be any more of an annoyance to her

"Please at least read the lyrics Umi wrote!"

This is my final chance, I will definitely not let my pride take away this for me

For all I care, I will not let this opportunity slide

I feigned disinterest and took the paper she handed to me

I should have received it with a smile and start apologizing for my attitude, but I'm just like this I guess

"If after reading those lyrics you still don't want to compose for us, then I will give up and won't disturb you anymore"

No, no, not at all!

You're not disturbing me at all!

Do you even know to whom I dedicate every note, every single word I sing these last days?

It's all because of you!

But of course I'm unable to tell you this…

Oh but anyone can bet I will make a song for you no matter what

I WILL COMPOSE TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY FOR YOU

I promise! I promise! I promise! I will do my very best even if these lyrics that Umi wrote are horrible! I will do a masterpiece out of this!

"Yeah, I will…"

"Sorry I can't hear you?"

"I will think about it"

She looked surprised, why?

Oh, I smiled at her

I smiled at her for the first time

Damn! No! What am I doing? I can't let her know she made me happy with her request

Also I never smiled at anyone of my classmates until now, hope she doesn't realize that

I better leave

I'm still smiling

I'm away from the door

Still smiling

I'm almost reaching my neighborhood

Still smiling

It's been three hours, I'm already changed and have already eaten lunch

I'm still smiling

Gosh!

It's 7:38 pm and I finally decide to not let this feeling of joy distract me no more

I sit on the piano, with the music sheet in front of me

I read the lyrics Umi wrote

I read the entirety of it

That Umi wrote this?

Damn, it kinda surprises me, she always looks so serious but her lyrics are so filled with emotions

I like that the lyrics try to give you hope

It's as if she wrote this lyrics with HER in mind

I also like this little part:

All you need is to accept our delight,

and then follow our lead and sing along.

We can finally make our way out of that emotional prison.

I like it because it makes me think of myself in some way?

Thank you for this lyrics Umi

I would have done a great song no matter which type of lyrics you had made, but with lyrics this good, we will make a very good combination

You and me, we will join forces and make a beautiful song for Honoka

pause

I don't really know what happened to me next

I sit in front of the piano, with music sheet ready to write down the music

I told you all already that I cant compose right?

But then a flow of energy came onto me

I felt like a god

I felt like I could do anything

I thought about her and smiled again

The music was starting to take shape

I was doing it effortlessly

Enjoying each and every second

I, for once, thought that my creation was good enough

I thought it was great actually, let me brag a little

Has composing always been so easy?

Did it fill me with so much joy before?

I felt every bone from my body as if they were igniting with light

My hands were moving nonstop

I felt truly inspired, I felt like Apollo with his lyre

I felt like I was touching heaven, reaching heights I never thought possible before

When I finished I found myself crying little tears, it was 4 am in the morning, mom wasn't home to scold me for throwing away the night with the piano

I took the sheet and admired my creation, I hugged the paper and actually felt so fulfilled

"I CAN COMPOSE!" I screamed as loud as I could

Tears came again in my face

This time they didn't stop

I was so happy

I know I said I'd do this for her

But I also feel so proud of myself

Was I always able to create something so beautiful?

I feel so happy, so happy!

The rest of the day, the lack of sleep didn't affect me at all, she didn't come to see me again, and it hurt to not see her, but just you wait! I haven't finished this yet! Just you wait! Wait!

I don't remember actually struggling at all that day, everything was so clear and I just flowed naturally. I was still myself but I also felt so at peace. Then, classes finished and I went home

All I could think about was to transcript my creation to a mp3 file, together with how I think the lyrics should be sung. This was the easiest part for me. From 4 pm to 8 pm I finally finished the arrangement on FL Studio and had it ready on a disc.

Honoka, you will love this!

I know she was waking up early every day to go train with her friends, but I'm smarter than you!

I went at 3 am to her house and left the disc on her mailbox

Well, I already left it there

Now that that euphoric state has passed

I kinda feel embarrassed

What if she doesn't like it? Worse, what if she doesn't find it? I don't know which one is worse tbh, either would destroy me

I just want you to love it

I want you to love what I poured my soul in

I want you to tell me I did a great job

Honoka, I always thought I would never be able to compose

But composing FOR YOU is different

I can now create, I feel so happy, it's such a strong feeling I feel moved to tears just by seeing you

I really want you to like it, I want it to make you smile, I want your concert to be a success

I really, really hope you love my song!

My soul dies a little more every second that you aren't telling me how much you adored my creation

My chest hurts every moment that you aren't praising me

Please Honoka!