Author Note:

Disclaimer/Warning: This work was written specifically from a drabble bunny that appeared in my skull.

Themes: Angst, regrets, attempts to heal

Lastly, the line breaks are where I would have ended a chapter. - NightSky

Allegiances (Cats who appear/are there technically)

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LONERS AND KITTYPETS

Shadow - long haired black striped tabby tom with pale green eyes

Dusk – thick furred dusky brown she-cat with amber eyes

Cody – elderly plump brown and mackerel tabby she-cat with bright blue eyes

Raven – old black tom with yellow eyes

Shadow's Past [ Laika ]

Sometimes, Shadow tried to imagine what his mother and father would have thought of him. The branches of the pine trees swayed as he looked up through their intertwined needles. The dappled rays of sunlight reaching for the forest floor as he mused silently. The wind was so gentle, hardly a breeze, as it flowed through the marshy pine forest he now called home.

A far cry to the home he started in all those moons ago. Back then, everything was simpler and more tangible. Shadow had felt as though he could take on the world and be happy.

Oh, how far he had fallen.

.

He remembered his time with his siblings, curled up to their mother, Cody and listening to the stories she had shared from her brief time with the Forest Clans. Her blue eyes sparkled with wonder and respect. As a kit he had believed her, believed how they looked after their own and how they left. As he grew older that wonderment faded and he no longer believed they were well deserved of such respect. Cody never went to find them, she made it a point to never have any of them to look for them either.

Shadow ended up taken from his mother, like all of his siblings, and slowly developed into a tomcat who looked after himself. His housefolk far from friendly. The environment was drab, beige, and cluttered. He had only his kit-toys and nothing more. He had a dirt-box and was often shooed from being on the comfortable boulders that he could dig his claws into. He was fed regularly for a while, but then it became once a day and every other day. He was allowed outside, where he caught songbirds and pigeons to sustain himself. Sometimes even a gopher from the wildly overgrown garden.

His memories flowed like a clouds in the blue sky. He left his neglectful housefolk and found himself several homes to call his own. They were loving and caring, leaving the dried pellets out and some water. He found one home that he thought was well worth to stay with. They had some kind of mushy slop that smelled enticing and fishy. He enjoyed the oily texture and the thirst-quenching liquids with each bite that was followed by a grateful lap of his tongue over his jaws.

Yes, this was the life he coveted. He wasn't bound to the housefolk den and they sometimes used strange claw-like black contraptions that got all the best itchy spots of his body, removing the extra hair that he was shedding. They bought him toys that reminded him of his kit-hood, letting him play with the strange flat colorful grass blades with vibrant blue feathers.

However, all good things must come to an end.

Shadow had been on his way back to the Two-leg den he treated as his own home when he came across a familiar cat. Dusk, his sister, was crouched while a protective older tom gently washed her face, soothing her frayed nerves. Curiosity had won out and, before Shadow could stop himself, he hopped down from the fence with grace and padded up to his sister who looked at him with large amber eyes, almost ashamed.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking at the older long haired black tom, one had had never met before.

The black tom lifted his head, orange eyes rounded with sympathy. "She has been having a rough time. Her Housefolk wasn't treating her right and I've been trying to get her to eat, but she won't go near any dens."

Shadow blinked, looking at Dusk, seeing the ashamed expression deep in her troubled eyes. "It's alright, Dusk. You did the right thing in leaving them. Wait here, I'll bring you something." He promised softly, turning and heading back to the fence.

"Will you be long?" The older tom asked, huddled with Dusk.

"I shouldn't be, there is a garden nearby with one of those water dishes for the birds. I can catch something there since all the birds go there." He replied from the top of the fence, scanning the horizon of gardens before spotting the familiar oak tree. "Just four gardens down, I'll be quick!"

Shadow took off before he could be stopped, his paws moving swiftly and expertly on the fence. He could recall reaching the garden and catching a bird.

But that was as much as his memory allowed to get to.

So...

When did it change?

For a moon and a half, Shadow had walked along with Dusk and the older tom, Raven. Together he and Raven showed Dusk that everything was fine and nothing would be like how it was before. Dusk eventually settled enough to rest soundly in the night, finding comfort with Raven or Shadow keeping watch for most of the night. It settled her frayed nerves and anxiety, it warmed his heart to know she was healing inside.

"You know you can rest earlier." Raven pointed out, his mew having a familiar rumbling rasp of an experienced tom.

Shadow shook his head, determination flowing through him. "You deserve rest just as much as she does."

"Perhaps you're a natural born leader." The older tom murmured, a hint of wistful affection in his tone. "You remind me of a cat who could have changed the course of her life many moons ago."

"Really?" He tilted his head to one side, studying the black tom's emotional gaze.

With a sigh, Raven looked at him. "She had a choice to go or to return to her Housefolk. I wouldn't have met her if she had left. Life gives you choices, Shadow. Please, do your best to make the right ones for yourself."

I never knew who Raven was.

Nor did I know who he spoke of.

All I know now is that he would be disappointed in me.

I made choices, terrible choices.

I lived up to my name, becoming a shadow of who I used to be.

Our mother never named me, but if she had, she really would have named me something different.

I just know she would.

And, I, in turn would have to name myself Shadow for the wretched creature I have become.

Shadow had chosen to follow the irritable tawny she-cat. Her amber eyes full of scorn at seeing the cats she lived with. She was pretty, yes, but nothing like the beautiful and healthy form of the grayish-brown tabby that stalked over. Her tail swayed, almost hypnotizing just like her brilliant green eyes. Her paws so dainty, scuffed with dirt, but nothing more.

Her scent was floral and reminded him of a garden after fresh rain. Her mew reminded him of songbirds singing in newleaf. He didn't even hesitate. He didn't even look back. He didn't even think twice as he followed her into the forest. Birch, willow, and some strong oaks stood strong around them, the reeds hissing as they waved in the breeze.

He fell so deep in love that he became virtually blind to the meaning of her words. Each sentence dripping like honey into his ears. It didn't take long for him to be swept away by the flood that was her voice. Her eyes enchanting him like he was prey for her to catch.

They were expecting kits before he even registered how war-bound she was.

Her flanks were always pleasantly plump, showing how healthy and well-fed she was compared to the other she-cats of the group.

That was, until one day those flanks were not just pleasantly plump, they were ever so gently swelling with the life of their kits. He was going to be a father and he wanted to be a better father than his own. He wanted to be there for them, to give them everything a father should.

I didn't even do that much.

Those kits came with a torrent of yowls from Cedar. Pain wracked through her as he shuddered in fear. He never knew kitting was this awful for a she-cat. If he had known, he would have tried so much harder to get to know her so he knew how to support her properly.

However, Shadow never even saw past his love for her. Cedar looked at her litter with a fondness.

There was hatred in her eyes towards her firstborn.

I knew that, but I ignored it.

How much did I truly ignore?

Life went on, his kits were barely a quarter-moon old when Cedar went to war anyway. He had tried to figure out why she was going into it so soon. He even tried to talk her out of it, but Cedar wouldn't let up. Shadow frowned, trying to understand her reasoning.

"It's what they deserve!"

What did they do wrong?

"They turned their backs on what they once knew!"

You call this FearClan, have you not led them astray as well?

"I vowed to remove everything of that cat if its the last thing I do. And I intend to keep my promise."

Who did you promise it to?

Was I never meant to save you from yourself?

His other sister, Hawk, had been with the cats his beloved was at war with. He never understood why.

I didn't bother trying to understand.

Anger and grief coursed through his body with a ferocity that rivaled powerful rainstorms. Hatred seethed through his broken heart as he turned on Hawk. It was her own claws that killed his beloved.

Cedar was the one who went to war anyway.

She didn't care about me or the kits.

If she did, she wouldn't have gone on with her plans.

That's what everyone has been saying.

Raven, what have I done?

His kits were raised by Dusk, a cat who was more afraid of a simple rustle of the wind. Yet, she had been a gentle and caring force for his kits. She taught them everything she could. Then there was Heather, a cat who grieved for a cat that was no more hers than she was his. The light brown and white tabby tried, desperately, to follow Cedar into the cavern of hatred and pain.

She became leader and sent the weak-hearted ones away on a mission that she doubted would ever be finished.

Why send them to find other BloodClan Fragments?

"So they can leave without me having to lift a paw."

Leave? Why would they leave?

"Shadow, not everyone is cut for this war. Berry is soft-hearted. She deserves to find her own place to call home."

Okay, but Moth?

"Moth should go and find himself a mate. I'm not searching."

You're not?

"I only wanted Cedar, but she had you. Now we have her kits and I will not let them suffer your sister's senseless dribble. It will make them weak and we need a strong leader, so I will teach the oldest kit how to be one."

Cruel, but fair. Dusk isn't very brave and you are by leaps and bounds. What about Lion?

"That she-cat can go rot in the forest of stone for all I care."

Why do you and Cedar hate her so much?

"Lion stands for everything Cedar hates. Not to mention, she has her father's looks. She is a shadow of him and she must pay for her birth."

Cruelty.

That's all it ever has been.

And I was so blinded by desire, lust, and love that I should have never been kitted either.

Lion and I are the same.

She is hated for her sire, while I am hated for being so blind.

Funny when you think about it.

But I can't even laugh at that either.

I don't deserve to be a father.

I don't deserve Shatter.

I deserve to be alone, forever.

"So, still think this place won't be suitable for our fragment?" Shatter asked, her sky colored eyes searching his green ones.

Shadow hesitated, not long ago their kits had been born and so far they hadn't gotten pine needles pricking their paws and noses as much as he worried. He still worried that they wouldn't recover. He still wanted to fight BushClan for Cedar's sake.

Cedar's not here anymore.

I don't have any loyalty for the dead.

I made that clear to Hawk, hadn't I?

Finally, he nodded, "It is a lot better than I thought it would be." He conceded.

The white tabby chuckled softly, slowly closing her eyes before looking back out past the rise before them. A bog-like pond lay in wait, catfish swimming in the murky waters and snatching up insects that dared to disturb the water's surface. The pine needles on the forest floor softened their paw-steps and allowed them to sneak on songbirds, Shadow's favorite to stalk and catch.

"I hope we get to stay here a long time." Shatter whispered, "I know that leaving your kits, even if they are full-grown now, was not easy for you. You always look back to that thunderpath in hopes they come to you."

"They looked at me with such disdain, you'd think I killed their mother." He muttered softly.

His mate gently touched her tail tip to his shoulder fur. "You didn't. You killed the father they thought they knew."

I did.

Maybe that's why I feel guilty for becoming a father again.

To be a better father for new kits.

The father I should have been.

Whatever my mother would have named me...

I know, deep down, she really should have just named me Shadow.

I'm nothing more, but a shadow.

I can only try to be something better.

Maybe then, I will finally feel at peace.

Author Note:

Sometimes I listen to music and a scene of character growth or a past for a character comes forth.

Apparently Neighborhood #2 (Laika) by Arcade Fire makes me think about Shadow and the things he has done.

Have a nice morning, day, evening or night. - NightSky