Ten years ago

Tierney

"He loves me, he loves me not." I hummed, letting the small pink flower petals fall to the ground as I picked them.

I sighed, picking up another flower and starting again.

"He loves me, he loves me not." I began again, letting the petals fall.

It was my birthday today. Our birthday. Ben and I were born on the same day, only two years apart. When I first met him I thought that it was a sign — fate linking us together. The irony in that was that Ben and I were nothing alike. He had likened himself to the night sky, and I to Chandrakant, the gold moon which lit up the skies of Chandrila. He was dark, where I was light.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't noticed the darkness in him. It came like the tide, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes he was Ben, the free-spirited boy who played by the waters of the Silver Sea with me. Collecting sea glass and building sandcastles. Smiling with his whole face, like he'd never known a moment of sadness. Warm, loving.

And then the tide would change. The dark water would come in and pull down the sandcastles we'd carefully constructed, washing away the smile from his face. Turning him cold. It would trickle through his veins, until he became one with the dark. It should have scared me.

But like the moon, I always found my home within the dark.

"He loves me not." I groaned, throwing the last petal to the ground. Stupid daisies.

With a huff I sat down in the field, and began piling the petals into a small heap in front of me. I wove my fingers in a delicate motion, allowing the soft hum of energy to warm the tips of my fingers as the petals began to lift from the ground and float. I wasn't a skilled user of the force, but telekinesis had come naturally to me at a young age. Another thing that drew Ben and I together — he was immensely powerful with the force, I could feel it radiating from him whenever he was near. His energy was distinct from other force users I'd encountered. It was intense and seemed to call to me in a way I found hard to resist. It drew me to him, a pull I couldn't escape.

I let the energy flow from me, lifting the petals higher into the air and started to make them spin in a slow current. A gnawing feeling sat somewhere deep in my stomach even though the moment should have calmed me. This daisy field was my favourite place, yet I couldn't escape my anxiety even as I let the force flow through me, channelling the serene energy from the place I loved most. Something about Ben had shifted. I could feel it even when we were worlds apart.

"Tia." His low voice echoed from behind me, startling me.

I scrambled to my feet, almost tripping over the long hem of my dress as I turned to face him.

He seemed to be even larger than the last time I had seen him — taller, wider. It had been apparent to me for a while that he was no longer the boy I'd grown up with. He had become a man, a very large man with such a heavy air of power that it should have frightened me. For a moment I was so enamoured by his sudden presence that I failed to notice he wasn't actually standing in front of me, that he was thousands of light years away.

I stepped toward him and reached for his hand, but he stepped back. I could hardly feel him, his aura was dull as if he weren't standing right in front of me.

"You're not here." I said, my stomach lurching with realisation. "You said you would come."

His jaw clenched. "Luke wouldn't let me. He doesn't care about birthdays."

I didn't know how Ben and I were able to communicate in this way. Something in the force had allowed us to bridge the gap between us even when we were worlds away from each other. A sort of telepathic connection — we could see and communicate with each other no matter how far apart we were in the galaxy. It had first happened six months earlier in a moment so humiliating that I could never forget. When he first appeared to me then he seemed just as shocked as I had been, but I had the feeling I had been the one to initiate the bridge between us. I had been thinking of him. Longing for him. And then it happened.

When we first discovered our connection we used it all the time, he would show up in my room at night. A secret shared between the two of us. Lately Ben had decided to shut me out, he said his uncle Luke was growing suspicious of him. He didn't want Luke to know about our connection.

Luke Skywalker, though known throughout the galaxy as a hero, was no hero of mine. He ran a school for force sensitive individuals with such a strict hand that many of the students had essentially missed out on their childhoods. Ben hated it. He hadn't had a choice. He felt like his childhood had been stolen from him. I had been lucky enough to have slipped through the cracks. Ben was the only one who knew I was force sensitive, he kept it a secret. I didn't want to leave my home behind, I couldn't leave my mother all alone.

"You promised me you would come." I didn't mean to say it. It wasn't his fault.

His left eye seemed to twitch in the corner like he was suppressing something. Anger, or sadness, I wasn't sure. Then he stepped towards me. The way he towered over me made me nervous. Not because I was afraid of him, but because I knew I was powerless beneath him. I would do whatever he wanted.

"Don't make me mad, Tierney. You know I tried to be there."

His dark eyes bored into mine, and I could almost feel the intensity behind them. The rage he was trying to suppress. It was right near the surface, ready to tear right through him if I pushed him too far. My heart lurched, and I had to look away.

"I got you a birthday present." I turned my back on him when I said it, thinking the conversation would be easier if I didn't have to look at him.

"You did?" His voice felt as if it were right next to my ear, and for a moment I could have sworn I felt his breath ghosting against my skin. "Can I see it?"

"Come and get it." I muttered childishly through my teeth. I knew it was stupid to play with fire, but there was something wrong with me. I enjoyed it. The way we danced on a fine line between friendship and something so dangerous it would probably destroy us both.

At first he didn't say anything, but there was a sudden pressure building at my back. We had tried to make physical contact through our connection before and it hadn't worked, so I knew he could do nothing to me now. Perhaps I wouldn't have been so bold if he truly were standing before me. Ben had never hurt me, but I knew he was capable of it.

A jolt slammed into the back of me, and before I could make sense of what had happened I realised there was a hand wrapped firmly around the nape of my neck. Warmth from his skin melted into mine. He had bridged the space between telepathic and corporeal.

A loud gasp tore from my throat as his grip tightened.

"No amount of space in the galaxy could keep you from me." He said in what sounded almost like a growl.

His breath hit my skin with each exhale, and I could do nothing but tremble beneath him. For the first time I thought maybe I was afraid of Ben and the power he possessed. It was unnatural. Unheard of. Perhaps that's why he was so afraid of his uncle finding out about his ability to communicate with me in this way, maybe this was wrong.

"How are you touching me? This doesn't make sense."

He used his hand to turn me towards him, making me face him once again. His eyes still held the same intensity, but they had softened slightly. He was pleased with his newfound ability, I could feel the excitement lighting him up from the inside. It seemed to trickle into me and my fear turned to thrill.

"Show me the present, Tia." He said with his mouth turning in the corners, almost conveying a small smile.

I reached into the pocket of my dress and pulled out a package neatly wrapped in pink paper and white ribbon. I hesitated, unsure if he was able to touch it or if the connection only existed between us. My question was answered when he took it from me and finally released my neck from his hold. The package looked tiny in his large hand as he took the moment to admire the way I'd wrapped it. He didn't smile, but the way the muscles in his jaw protruded told me that he was trying to hide how he was feeling. Ben was never good at receiving anything — gifts, compliments. He didn't like the attention.

He managed to unwrap it without breaking the ribbon or tearing the paper, as if he wanted to savour the wrapping along with the gift. It was a rare sight to see him being so gentle.

His eyebrow quirked slightly when he revealed what was inside the paper.

"What is this?"

"I don't know." I answered honestly. "But can you feel that? The way it's pulsing, almost like a heartbeat."

He lifted the necklace from the wrappings, letting the black crystal pendant drape against the palm of his hand.

"I made it into a necklace, but you don't have to wear it. You can just unwrap the wire and keep it-"

"I'll wear it." He said quickly, his eyes darting over to mine. "Where did you get this?"

"Do you remember I told you about the guy from Kijimi who knew my dad? He brought me a trunk filled with my dad's belongings. I found the crystal in there."

A dark wave washed over me, making my stomach drop. Ben's face had changed, he was angry. Furious.

"You told me he had gone back to Kijimi." His tone was cold, void of any indicator of his emotion. But I could feel it. The tide beginning to pour in.

"He did." I said, contemplating my next words. Playing with him now didn't excite me like it did before, this was dangerous. "My dad died. He asked that I inherit his belongings, so somebody had to bring them to me."

"He died? You didn't tell me."

I had never met my father. My mother refused to speak of him, she said it was safer if I didn't know anything about him. From a very young age I had the impression that he was a bad man, I heard my mother's friends whispering about him - and me - more times than I could count. I had heard Ben's uncle Luke warning my mother about what I was capable of, that she should watch me closely. That image stuck with me for a long time. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Until a young man knocked at my door one day when my mother wasn't home. He said my father had sent him; he was dying and wanted to know that his only daughter was safe. The man reluctantly told me small details about my father, his first name, where he lived. I didn't see the man again until the next month. My father hadn't sent him this time, he wanted to see me again. He told me his name was Poe Dameron. We became friends.

"I wanted to. I couldn't reach you," I looked away from him in hope he wouldn't notice the way my eyes were beginning to fill with tears.

He stepped closer to me, grabbing my jaw with his free hand. When his eyes burned into mine I knew he could feel what I was feeling. Sadness, desperation. When Ben had started shutting me out it hurt more than I could have ever imagined.

"I'm sorry." He said in a whisper. "It wasn't safe to speak to you."

"Because of Luke?"

He shook his head.

"Then why?"

"I can't tell you. Not like this. It isn't safe." His hold on my jaw loosened and he looked over his shoulder. I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but something about him seemed skittish. Off.

"Hey." I said, making his eyes land back on mine. "If it's bothering you this much, you don't have to tell me. Wait until you come home, when it's just us."

He nodded once, then stepped away from me. He lifted the necklace up again, letting the crystal dangle in the air this time.

"There's something inside this crystal. Energy."

"Is it a Kyber crystal?"

He smirked. "No. What do you know about Kyber crystals anyway?"

"They power lightsabers. I read about it."

He let out a small chuckle. "Where do you get your hands on texts about building lightsabers?"

I shrugged. "I like to educate myself on everything you may be learning at your Jedi school."

"I'm going to teach you one day. You know? When I've finished my training and become a master. I want to take you on as my padawan."

I let a laugh fall from my chest, the idea of becoming a Jedi seemed absurd to me. I couldn't fight if my life depended on it. There was no reality where I could become a warrior. I didn't have the body strength nor the coordination. A fact that Ben was well and truly aware of, he'd made a point to mock me for my clumsiness at any chance he could get.

"I'm serious, Tierney." He stepped closer to me, gripping my shoulder this time. "The galaxy is a dangerous place, you need to know how to protect yourself." I felt his energy shift once more, the darkness creeping in again. His grip on my shoulder began to tighten like a vice. "I don't want you to see the spicerunner again. Promise me."

He was talking about Poe Dameron. I knew I was making a mistake when I'd told Ben about him, I shouldn't have told him that he ran spice.

"If you see him again I'll tell my mother that he's a spicerunner. He'll be apprehended."

I pulled my shoulder out of his grasp, but that only made him angrier. He stepped closer, his fingers brushing against mine as he tried to restrain himself from reaching for me again.

"If you do that Luke will know about us. Our connection."

"I don't care." He choked out with a strain in his voice like the topic was tearing him apart from the inside. "Do. Not. See. Him."

I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I was afraid if I broke eye contact he would know that he'd won. Know that I'd do whatever he asked of me. I didn't want to submit to him, not like this. Though part of me enjoyed the dangerous game we were playing, what I truly wanted was for him to let down his walls and let me in. If he had met me with some compassion, I would have done anything he wanted. I would have told him that he was my everything and that I would never see Poe Dameron again. But I couldn't. Not when he was looking at me with such hatred burning behind his eyes that I wasn't even sure if he held any love for me in his heart. Sometimes I thought he just wanted to possess me, like I was an object that belonged to him. Perhaps I was.

I opened my mouth to utter the word 'no', but before a single sound could come out he had pulled a small box from his pocket and thrust it into my hands. I opened it to find a gold ring with a large white jewel shaped in a teardrop in the centre.

"When I've finished my training you will become my wife. Nobody can keep you safe like I can."

I thought about placing the ring on my finger. I wanted to. Marrying Ben was everything I'd ever dreamed of. But a wave of something utterly murderous crashed into me, filling me with such a rage that I felt my head spin. I thought I was going to faint. I closed the box and stepped away. The rage was coming from Ben, not me. I didn't have it in me to conjure so much anger, so much hatred. Letting the energy sink into me was more than I could bear. It felt like my insides were being torn apart piece by piece, shredding my soul apart. I let out an agonised cry and ran.

Ben didn't chase me. He couldn't. Once I'd broken the connection we were thousands of light years apart once more. But I knew he would come back for me, he always did.

Later that night he appeared in my bedroom, broken and crying. That was when he told me about the voice inside his head, the call to the dark side. The dreams he'd had about me, how he feared for my life. That was when everything changed.