Getting Jack to go to sleep that night proved difficult. The boy had to check to make sure his duck eggs were properly covered multiple times. Even then, he asked Elizabeth multiple questions and wanted to know if the eggs would be lonely. When he finally settled enough for a story, Jack insisted that it be about ducks. Elizabeth satisfied him by making a story up.
"Can you write that down, Mama?" Jack asked sleepily when Elizabeth had finished. "I want to hear it again."
Elizabeth smiled. Her novel had met with mixed reviews but somehow, even the more positive ones had not resonated with her quite the way that simple request did.
"Of course, Jack. I will go do that right now. You need to go to sleep, my sweet boy," Elizabeth old him, tucking the sheet around his waist and kissing his forehead.
Putting out the lamp, Elizabeth left the room and went downstairs.
Nathan was outside in his shop working on display pieces. Without one set place to sell the pieces, Lee had planned for several places to carry display pieces. The pieces could be bought or orders could be placed. Lee planned on putting a settee and end table on display in his office in Hope Valley. Ned had agreed to make room in the mercantile for a rocking chair and coffee table to be displayed along with several plaques. Lee had also arranged for a furniture store in Benson Hills to carry a table and chair set and a gift shop had agreed to give space for some wood carvings. The shop proprietors were doing this in exchange for ten percent of the selling price on the display pieces or orders taken. Nathan would pick up telegraphed orders from Ned daily while phone orders were directed to contact Lee. Rosemary had even promised to run adds for Nathan for free in the Valley Voice when he started concentrating on his business full time. She said it was a way she could show support for her friend.
Ally was sitting at the dining room table with a sketch pad and colored pencils. Retrieving some blank paper, pen and ink from her desk, Elizabeth returned to the sitting room and sat with her step daughter. The two worked in silence for a bit. Half way through filling the second page with words, Elizabeth noticed Ally was reading the first.
"I made up a bedtime story for Jack and he wanted it written down," Elizabeth told Ally.
Ally looked up from the page. "Could I illustrate it for him? We could make a picture book for him."
Elizabeth smiled. "I think he would love that," she told the girl.
Elizabeth and Ally were still working on the project when Nathan came in from the workshop.
"What are my two girls up to?" Nathan asked casually as he walked over to them. He pressed a kiss to the top of Elizabeth's head and then Ally's.
"A picture book for, Jack," Ally replied looking up from her drawing of three ducklings following the mama duck down a road. "Beth made up a bedtime story for him and now I am illustrating it."
Nathan looked down at Ally's drawing. "I take it the story was about ducks," he ventured.
"Jack insisted," Elizabeth said.
"I have a feeling he's going to be fascinated with ducks for a while," Nathan said and then looked down at Ally fondly. "I suppose it is better than your fascination with skunks when you were his age."
Ally looked up at her father. "You are making that up," she protested.
"No, I am not. You found a couple of abandoned baby skunks and wanted to raise them. Your babysitter tolerated it at first as baby skunks don't spray that much. I found a man willing to care for them until they had a chance of making it on their own in the wild and turned them over to him. You got mad at me, and swore you were not going to eat until I brought those skunks back."
By this time, Elizabeth was laughing and Ally wore an amused expression.
"What happened?" Ally asked.
"You skipped dinner and was so hungry in the morning that you forgot about being mad at me," Nathan told her, ruffling her hair.
"Do you think one of the eggs will hatch?" Ally asked.
"The chances are low," Nathan told her. "For now, though, just humor Jack for us, all right."
Ally nodded. "I will. I may also pray that at least one will hatch. I don't want him to be disappointed."
"That is very thoughtful of you," Nathan told her. "Now it is time for you to get ready for bed."
"Yes, sir," Ally replied. "Beth, could you keep the pictures for the story with your papers?"
"Of course," Elizabeth told her. "Just gather your pencils and pad and I will put the pictures for the story in my desk drawer."
"Thank you," Ally replied, gathering her things. With sketchbook and pencils in hand, she got to her feet, kissed both Nathan and Elizabeth on the cheek and said, "goodnight."
Elizabeth and Nathan echoed the good night. As Ally's footsteps faded away, Nathan turned toward Elizabeth. "I am going to go get ready for bed myself," he told her.
Elizabeth nodded. "I'll be up soon," she told him.
Nathan nodded and started for the steps.
"Nathan," Elizabeth said softly.
Nathan paused and looked back at her, waiting for her to continue.
"Thank you for your consideration of Jack today."
Nathan shrugged his shoulders. "I brought a few critters home as a kid myself. I think all kids do it."
Elizabeth smiled. "That wasn't exactly what I was referring to. You referred to him as 'my son'. Jack may not have acknowledged it, but I am. Lucas always referred to Jack as 'your son'. It is important that Jack feel like he matters to you."
Elizabeth was not sure what kind of reaction she was expecting from Nathan but it was not the response that she got. Nathan walked back to her, placed fingers gently under her chin, and brushed her lips gently with his briefly.
"You are my wife. Jack is my son and I love you both as much as I love Ally," Nathan whispered before stepping away.
Elizabeth felt the soft touch of Nathan's lips still on her own, even as her husband headed upstairs.
That third kiss on the lips, only left her wanting more kisses from Nathan. However, as the thought of what those kisses could lead to sent a shiver up her spine as memories of the pain Lucas had caused her while having intercourse with her came back. The kisses might be nice, but she was afraid of the pain of being more intimate. Logically, she knew that those moments between husband and wife should have been pleasurable and not painful. She had even had that experience with Jack Sr. in those brief days they had shared following their wedding. But those times seemed so far away while the pain a darkness with Lucas was right on the surface.
Elizabeth felt the tears welling up in her eyes. Not wanting Nathan to think he was the cause of her tears, Elizabeth slipped out on the front porch. She sat in one of the chairs on the porch, hugged herself tight and cried. Only when she felt calm again, did she head inside. She put away the papers with the story and drawings and then headed upstairs.
It was still dark when Elizabeth awoke. Her mouth felt dry and the urge for a drink of water prodded her from bed. Trying not to wake Nathan, Elizabeth slipped from the bed, donned her slippers and robe and left the room. Instinctively, she peeked into Jack's room as she passed by. Elizabeth felt her heart go into her throat as she noticed the empty bed. Hurrying into the room she turned on the lamp and looked closer, hoping Jack was simply curled up at the foot of the bed or something. However, a closer look revealed no Jack anywhere in the bed, or on the floor nearby. Elizabeth even checked the closet, thinking that perhaps he had a nightmare and was hiding. Jack had hid in the closet when Lucas had been doing a lot of yelling before.
Jack was not in the closet though. Feeling a panic, her water forgotten Elizabeth hurried back to the bedroom she shared with Nathan.
"Nathan! Jack's gone," Elizabeth sobbed as she hurried into the room. Her knees suddenly felt weak and she sank to her knees before reaching the bed.
Her words had reached Nathan though.
"What?" Nathan asked groggily as he woke and sat up in the bed. Hearing Elizabeth's sobs, he looked toward her side of the bed. Seeing it empty, he was instantly alert. Reaching out, he turned on the lamp by the bed. With that light, he sought out the sound of her sobs. Seeing Elizabeth kneeling on the bedroom floor, crying, Nathan was out of bed and at her side.
"Elizabeth, are you hurt?" Nathan asked wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
"No," Elizabeth managed to get out. "I went for water. Jack wasn't in bed. Jack's gone!" she sobbed, the words coming out through her tears.
"Have you searched the house?" Nathan asked, trying to stay calm.
Elizabeth shook her head. "Just his room."
"Then the first thing we do is to search the house," Nathan informed her. With his arm around Elizabeth, he helped her to her feet. Though his wife was still crying, Nathan knew that they needed to start looking for the boy in case he had wandered out of the house. However, he wasn't about to leave her alone in her current emotional state.
Partially supporting Elizabeth, Nathan started the search by looking in their room. There was no sign of the boy. Picking up the lamp, Nathan led Elizabeth out of their room. He went to Ally's room next. Their daughter was still sleeping and there was no sign of Jack. Trying not to wake the sleeping teen, Nathan searched her room, thankful that Ally always had been a heavy sleeper.
Satisfied that Jack was not in his sister's room, Nathan led Elizabeth from the room and to the spare room. Elizabeth's sobs had lessened and though she stayed pressed against her husband's side, she looked around room as well. After finishing a search of the upstairs, Nathan led Elizabeth downstairs. A search of the diningroom, revealed no little boy. However, as they stepped into the kitchen, the light from the lamp Nathan was carrying, cast a glow on the crate by the stove with the duck eggs. Curled up beside the crate was Jack.
Elizabeth let out a gasp, and rushed forward. Dropping to her knees, Elizabeth gathered her son into her arms, crying again.
"Mama, can't breathe," a sleepy Jack said.
Elizabeth loosened her hold slightly. "I thought you were gone," she said before pressing a kiss against his sleep tousled hair.
"I didn't want the eggs to be lonely," Jack told her. He looked up at his mother. Reaching up, Jack wiped tears away. "I am sorry I worried you, Mama."
"You are all right. That is all that matters," Elizabeth told her son.
Aware that Nathan was at the stove, she looked over at him. "What are you doing?" Elizabeth asked.
"I am going to make you some chamomile tea," Nathan told her. "Hopefully, it will sooth you enough that you can get some more sleep."
"Can I have some milk?" Jack asked.
Nathan smiled at the boy. "You may," he told him as he placed the tea kettle on the stove.
Nathan then reached down and picked Jack up before helping Elizabeth to her feet. He led her to the small circular table in the corner of the kitchen, and pulled out a chair for her. After Elizabeth sat down, Nathan placed Jack in her lap. Elizabeth instinctively wrapped her arms around her son. Jack snuggled against her, content to be comforted and to comfort his mother.
"Lucas never made you tea," Jack commented softly.
"No, he didn't," Elizabeth agreed, kissing her son's head and looking over at her husband who was getting Jack his milk. Nathan seemed unfazed by the fact that she had woke him up in hysterics instead of calmly searching the house herself.
~Thank you Lord, for bringing Nathan into my life, ~ Elizabeth thought, the silent prayer coming from her heart.
As there was no visiting pastor the following Sunday, there were no official church services the next day. There was however a gathering in the Jack Thornton Church, the building having been renamed when it was clear it would not be used as a schoolhouse again. It was lead by the members of the church board. Hymns were sung, passages read and thoughts shared. Ned led them in several prayers throughout the morning. It was a pleasant time though many still missed Joseph's sermons.
After church, folks went their separate ways. As it was a warm, sunny day, the Coulters, Grants, Bill, Faith and Gabriel all headed to the river by the Grant's home for an afternoon picnic. As Bill, Nathan, Jack and Ally were going to try to catch fish for the main meal, blankets were spread out in a shady area and some fruit and cheese was consumed to tide people over. After the snack, Bill and Nathan picked up the fishing gear and headed toward the river, with Ally and Jack. Nathan told Ally to pick out their fishing spot. Though with no plans to actually fish, Lee tagged along with them. Gabriel and Faith linked hands and wandered off in the opposite direction of the fishers. That left Rosemary and Elizabeth on the blanket in the shade with Aster.
Elizabeth looked down at the baby in her arms. The little girl gave a gurgle and waved a tiny hand up at her."She is adorable, Rosemary," Elizabeth said softly.
"Aster is the light of my life," Rosemary said. "It took so long for Lee and me to conceive that she was almost like a miracle."
The two women sat quietly for a moment before Rosemary spoke again. Elizabeth's vision blurred as tears came to her eyes. Seeing the tears, Rosemary scooted next to her friend and put an arm around Elizabeth's shoulder. "If holding her is too much, Elizabeth I can give Aster to Lee."
Elizabeth shook her head. "No it's fine," she replied, blinking away tears. "Holding her is peaceful somehow. Like a ray of hope," Elizabeth looked up at her friend. "I would like another child someday, Rosemary, but I can't help but think that losing that baby was a blessing in disguise. I was not in the place emotionally to be a mother. I was barely being a mother to Jack. There was such darkness then and at least this way, that child never has to know what kind of person its father was. Does that make me a horrible person?"
Rosemary shook her head. "No, Elizabeth it doesn't," she told her friend. "Given what you were going through, those are all valid reasons. Nor was losing the child your fault."
"I should have just let Lucas leave. I knew he was angry. I knew he would not actually talk things out reasonably but part of me did not want him to leave angry."
"What happened that day, Elizabeth?" Rosemary asked.
For the first time, Elizabeth told someone the whole story of that day. She told Rosemary about coming home to find Lucas packing for his meeting. About Lucas getting angry over the locket. About Lucas' comment about the rumors and accusing her of just choosing him for the cushy life. About hanging onto the locket because she couldn't let Nathan go and not because it was a link to Jack.
"It wouldn't matter who had given me that locket, Rosemary. I wore it because Lucas would not let me have a picture of Jack. Until things started going bad, I never second guessed my choice of Lucas over Nathan. Perhaps I should have, though. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I did simply choose Lucas because he did not wear red serge."
"Even if you did, that does not justify how he treated you," Rosemary told her. "Maybe what you felt for Lucas was not the love you felt for Jack, but you were still faithful to him and the vow you made, Elizabeth. Always remember that."
Elizabeth nodded, trying to let Rosemary's reassuring words sink in.
"So, how did you fall down the steps?"
"I tried to stop Lucas. I wanted to discuss things. He pushed me out of the way and it happened to be in the direction of the stairs. I don't think he purposely pushed me down the steps," Elizabeth said, a part of her feeling the need to defend her ex-husband.
"Perhaps not," Rosemary conceded. "However, he did make the conscious choice to leave you there after you fell. You cannot justify that, Elizabeth. Don't even try."
Elizabeth sighed. Part of her wanted to. The rest of her knew that Rosemary was right.
"Last night, after I freaked out instead of calmly searching the house for Jack, Nathan didn't condemn me for waking him up for no reason," Elizabeth told her friend, the story about Jack wanting to keep the duck eggs company having already been shared. "Instead, he just calmly set about making me tea to help soothe my nerves. I felt guilty because just before I went to bed, I broke down into tears at the thought of being intimate with Nathan." Elizabeth looked up at Rosemary. "Nathan has been nothing but kind and gentle with me through all of this. I know I should not fear being intimate with him but I do."
Rosemary gave Elizabeth's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "That fear has nothing to do with, Nathan. It is the pain and fears you have lived in for the past year that causes it and it is perfectly understandable. You are still healing, Elizabeth. Lucas took your love, trust and spirit and tried to crush it."
The memory of sitting before the coffee table with the whiskey and pills came back to Elizabeth. "I think he succeeded."
"Give yourself time to finish healing, Elizabeth. It is happening. I see it. Nathan sees it. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel but just try to be careful that you don't toy with Nathan's heart in the process."
"What do you mean?" Elizabeth asked, suddenly wondering if she was already guilty of that. She didn't want to hurt Nathan. "He kissed me yesterday. We were working in the garden, and I put weeds down his collar. He chased me playfully." A smile came to her face at the memory. "I felt so happy and carefree in that moment, Rosemary. Then Nathan kissed me, on the lips. Was I toying with his heart, Rosemary?" Elizabeth asked.
"That depends," Rosemary replied. "It is certainly no crime to enjoy getting kissed by your husband. What happened?"
"Nathan pulled back and apologized for the kiss. I told him not to, and gave him a kiss back. I enjoyed those kisses. I enjoyed the brief kiss goodnight later that night. It isn't the kissing that scares me any longer, Rosemary. It is the thought of what comes after. I am not ready for that yet."
"Then you let Nathan know that, Elizabeth. It would even be okay if someday, a kiss in a certain situation stirs bad memories. Just don't pull back from him, now Elizabeth. You have been opening up to Nathan. You having been letting your relationship with Nathan grow as you heal. Emotional healing is not always linear. You will have good days and bad days and that is all right. However, now that you have started letting Nathan closer to you, you owe it to him to let him know what you are going through. Nathan will not ask you for more than you can give. I have watched him do what he can do to love, support, and protect you through all of this. Steps backward are allowed, Elizabeth, but you need to allow Nathan to take those steps backward with you. Don't let him think that he is the cause of that step backward. You do that, and then you will be guilty of toying with his heart."
Elizabeth let her head rest against her friend's shoulder, as she absorbed her friend's advice. She was thankful that despite Lucas' attempt to isolate her from Rosemary, Lee and Bill her friends had done what they needed to do to maintain their relationship with her. She had needed them even if she should have reached out sooner.
The fact that Rosemary was looking out for Nathan in all of this too made Elizabeth feel relieved. She knew she wasn't emotionally ready to give Nathan the love and support that a wife should. It was good to know her friend was doing what she could to provide that until she could.
"Nathan and I are both lucky to have you, Lee and Bill in our lives," Elizabeth told her friend.
"You really are," Rosemary said lightly, the comment easing the tension of the moment.
"Should we go see how the fishing is going?" Elizabeth asked.
Rosemary nodded. She got to her feet and then helped Elizabeth, with the now sleeping Aster in her arms, to her feet. Side by side, the two friends went in search of their family and friends.