Chapter The Third: A Foundation is Built
As I once again resume my literary labors, in order to continue the project commanded by our most glorious and wise Queen Charlotte I (long may she reign), I find it quite appropriate that I should begin these words on a most auspicious anniversary:
As my pen writes upon these pages, our Fair Kingdom is celebrating the Fiftieth Anniversary of the General Emancipation of the Imps. For it was on this date, five decades ago, that Her Majesty's Parliament issued the declaration that would end, once and for all, the segregation and second-class status of Imp kind. No longer would the Imps be required to live only within that great metropolitan ghetto known as Imp City, nor would they be forced into Indentured Servitude for the Goetia Aristocracy, and would finally be given full political and civil rights and equality with other Hellborn.
As the great Imp statesmen Fyewackett is oft quoted as saying:
"Before the ascent of Her Majesty, we Imps were considered the dregs of Old Hell. We were considered lower than Sinners, and all of Hellborn kind, though we were native to these realms before the former King and his Number appeared here. For generations we struggled along under this oppression, brought about by Royal neglect and Goetic prejudice. But now how the times have changed, and royal Justice has erupted like a mighty volcano!"
It occurs to me (and the Royal Consort) that future generations may read these words and be confused by such asinine bigotry. Therefore, I find it appropriate for Lady Vagatha Magne, wise and wonderful consort to Her Majesty, to say a few words:
"Imps were on the lowest rung of the proverbial ladder in Old Hell. They were the most plentiful, and also the most impoverished. By the time Charlie was starting up the Hotel, Imps were largely segregated away from the rest of the Hellborn into Imp City, which back then was this enormous and crowded city. It was the only place in the First Circle that they were allowed to live. Of course, once you went down into the other circles the rules were more lax, but it was also far more dangerous there.
But I digress. When Charlie's father and his Host arrived here in the Underworld, the Imps had already been here for generations. But Hell's new Owners simply saw them as a plentiful source of cheap labor.
Charlie, for her part, had always hated this arrangement. She once asked her father why he allowed this to go on, and he simply shrugged his shoulders and wrote it off as 'shit happens'. Old Hell was chaotic enough as it was, so any semblance of order was something that was carefully guarded.
So when she finally took the throne, the Imps were one of her first priorities."
Her Highness herself was present at the ceremonies on this most important occasion, as an art collective within Pentagram City unveiled a massive relief celebrating the monumental event, showing Her Highness delivering the maxim to the jubilant Imps made up of parlimentarians and former ILF revolutionaries, joined at her side by Fyewackett himself as the spirits of great Imp freedom fighters such as Grizzell and Lucius looked upon them in the background. In attendance was also Princess Octavia, along with her step-father Blitzo and her step-sister Loona, in honor of her late father whose own Imp sympathies were one of the catalysts for the movement.
Some observant attendants noted also the consequential addition in the crowd of a certain female Sinner, clad with a scarf around her face, finally being recognized for her contributions to the cause.
Alas, her story must wait, for now we must resume our narrative from when it had previous been left off: the introduction of the Radio Demon into the story, and Her Highness's negotiating his co-ownership of her Hotel. Yet as I have noted previously, the Sinner called Alastor was not a lone figure, for he had accomplices at his side. It is now time, my good reader, to give them the moment they deserve.
And so, we once again begin our narrative. As previously, I hereby swear that every word written is accurate, and have been given proper permission to quote them as such.
-Adonisus, chronicler and scholar.
: INTUS AUTEM OMNE DAEMONIUM SIT IN SIGNUM FOEDERIS :
"So as soon as Alastor seemed OK with the agreement, he immediately began taking stock of the situation. The very first thing he noticed was the most obvious: we had no goddamn idea what we were doing.
No, seriously. I can look back at it now and admit it. We were WAY over our heads with this project, and Charlie's optimism could only get us so far.
I mean, I could do security and simple management, but we needed other things. We needed a chef, a custodian, someone to man the front desk, and that was just for starters.
And Anthony….well, he had one major talent, as Al fond out the hard way. He approached him and asked 'And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?'
Anthony just gave that toothy grin of his and said 'I can suck yer dick!'
I can count on one hand the number of times that I've seen Alastor genuinely caught off guard. That was one of them. Even his radio filter shorted out."
- Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"…...What? I wanted to suck his dick."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"And so, I finally enter the story!
I'd worked with Alastor for many years by that point. Both me and Hugo (then known as Husk) had been his co-horts for several decades. Our primary functions tended to differ on whatever was needed: Husk tended to be the muscle because of how big and intimidating he was. I tended to be his secret weapon, since I'm so tiny. So tiny, in fact, that I could fit in pretty much any small space you could think of: safety deposit boxes, air ducts, trunks…
...And of course, fireplaces. Specifically, that fireplace right over there in the lobby!
I was still finding soot in my dress for about a week!
-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'
"Out introduction to Nina was seeing her tumble down the chimney and into the fireplace, black as pitch and covered in soot. Alastor picked her up and dusted her off.
'This little darling is Nifty!'
That was her name, back then. And she really was. Nina was incredibly sweet, and incredibly hyper. The very first thing she did when she saw us was say 'It's been a while since I've made new friends!...why are you all women?'
She originally thought Anthony was a woman. She was from a...different time.
Anyway, she immediately started cleaning the place (after asking if there were any men near). 'Oh man, this place is filthy!'. She was right, to. That place hadn't been cleaned in decades. There were cobwebs inside of older cobwebs!
'It really needs a lady's touch...which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense'.
….Again, different time."
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"Honestly? Considering how much drag I did, I'm rather proud of it.
But yeah, that chick was pretty boy crazy.
We had that much in common.
But let's be honest...it wasn't Nifty I was really focused on."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"Alastor had this thing he was really good at: teleportation.
He also had another thing he was really good at: a sadistic sense of humor.
After introducing Nina, it was time to introduce his other partner in...I'm guessing 'shenanigans' is the proper term.
He focused his attention on the other side of the lobby, and then an entire lightshow flashed in front of our eyes. I'm find out later that these were Loa symbols. Alastor considers himself quite the bokor.
And that's how Hugo entered the picture, and he wasn't really happy about it."
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"Oh, this wasn't the first fucking time he'd done that whole 'unannounced teleportation' bullshit. Oh no, I've had to deal with that kind of shit for fuckin' decades, and he had this talent for roping me in at the exact worst time: like that time I was in the middle of a pile of Imp poon and he yanked me onto the top of a fucking skyscraper, or that time I was taking a leak behind a dumpster, and he had me show up in the middle of a goddamn shopping mall...in the women's dressing room!
And this time, he managed to yank me into this fucking hotel lobby while I was in the middle of winning the best game of poker I had ever fucking played! For real! Full fucking House! Hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line, and I was just about to win all of it!
And then, just as I'm slapping my cards down on the table, all of that Voodoo shit starts swirling around the casino like a bad acid trip, and who do I see next? Him!
….No, I'm not bitter. It's the principle of the goddamn thing!"
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"Hugo had one weakness, and that was alcohol. It was pretty much the one thing that kept him strung along by Alastor. So all it really took was a bottle of cheap rotgut to convince him to work for the Hotel.
Hugo had two jobs: the first one was that he manned the front desk. When you walked into the Hotel, he was usually the first person you saw.
The other job he had was bartender. Against my wishes, Alastor had set up an enormous, well-stocked bar in the Hotel lobby, loaded with just about every adult beverage you could imagine.
I had a major issue with this, of course. We were trying to make a wholesome establishment that was free of the temptations that encouraged sin.
But then I was overruled...not by Charlie, but by Anthony, who tackled me to the ground while I wasn't looking and screamed at me to shut my fucking mouth."
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"You shoulda seen it. The last time I'd seen that much booze was in one of my dad's speakeasies. Glittery bottles of whiskey, vodka, absinthe and gin as far as the eye could see, piled high on the classiest fucking saloon set-up I'd seen in years.
...And manning the whole thing was one of the most handsome mother fuckers I had ever laid eyes on."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"I think a lot of people, when they hear this story, assume that it was the alcohol that got Anthony's attention. But that's not really the truth.
I was there, of course, and I witnessed the whole thing. Anthony had these huge stars in his eyes...but he wasn't looking at the booze.
He was looking at Hugo. It was love at first sight."
-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'
"After I started sucking down this bottle of cheap booze I'd found, Anthony suddenly started getting all up in my business. I recognized who he was, obviously (I was a 'fan')...and he immediately annoyed the fuck outta me. That nasally voice of his could really crawl up your spine if you weren't in the mood for it, and he was way too handsy.
...I wasn't really hot on him then, obviously. But, well...time changes everything. Me and him had a lot more in common than I really wanted to admit at first: the substance abuse problems, the complicated relationship with our parents, the constant casual sex to fill that void in our chests. We were both deeply damaged people.
...And, well...you see the ring on my finger, don'tcha?
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"Charlie was absolutely ecstatic...not just because we had some very important positions filled, but also because we had some brand new faces in the Hotel. She ran up to Hugo with stars flashing in her eyes, telling him how much he was going to love it here.
He...wasn't very impressed.
But ultimately, he didn't really need to be. Alastor had proven to Charlie that he could get things done, and even I had to admit that I was somewhat impressed.
So then Alastor took the initiative...and he sang.
Alastor actually did have a pretty good singing voice...you know, if you liked old-school Jazz. It was certainly enough for Charlie to be convinced.
And then Sir Pentious showed up to ruin it."
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
Your humble author believes it prudent to make a small interruption in our narrative to, briefly, discuss the Sinner known as Sir Pentious.
Of course, Sir Pentious no longer goes after that name. Like many of the other Sinners that went through the Hotel and lived through Her Highness's ascension, he eventually reverted back to his mortal name to enjoy a quiet and peaceful afterlife (and has, up to this point, declined participation in this project).
But before this, Pentious was considered a Sinner who was in the running to becoming a new Overlord. He was most certainly a genius in the fields of physics and mechanics, and had gathered quite the army at his disposal. Said army was also highly disposable, as they were made up entirely of the entities known only as Eggbois (the creation and making of which I shall address at a later time).
Indeed, it was Sir Pentious who had initiated the turf war that had broken out during Her Highness's televised appearance. It was his enormous dirigible contraption that had rained havoc onto the west side of Pentagram City, attracting the vengeful attention of Cherri Bomb (who, unlike other Sinners of her generation, still retains her Afterlife name).
Pentious would make his second grand entrance into this narrative at this particular point, as you shall soon see dear reader. However, in order to respect his requests for anonymity, he shall be referred to as his nom de guerre…..
"Outta fuckin' nowhere, Pentious blew the fucking door off the hinges and damn near flattened Nina. I almost spilled my booze! So goddamn rude! I know it was cheap rotgut, but it was mine, dammit!"
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"...Yeah, that happened to me a lot. I started wearing a helmet after a couple of years."
-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'
"Despite what Alastor wanted to admit, he and Pentious actually did have a bit of a history. He was one of a handful of Sinners who were either brave or stupid enough to actually try to challenge him.
Now, how he figured out that Alastor was there, I'm not really sure. I always guessed that he had seen Alastor watching Charlie on a storefront TV (the 'picture show', as he called it), and probably stalked him to the Hotel. From there, he tried to use the element of surprise...a concept I'm not sure he really understood all that well.
Also: that was a perfectly good door! That shit was expensive!"
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"So, I'm gonna try and tell ya what happened after Pentious decided to poke his scaly ass into our whole situation. It gets kinda complicated, so pay attention.
Pentious basically challenges Alastor to a fight right then and there. Al...didn't give a shit. He just kept being his cool, handsome self and asked 'Do I know you?'.
Pentious obviously didn't like that. That guy was really fuckin' sensitive about shit like that. Massive inferiority complex. He acted the same way with Me and Cherri.
Anyway, being the pissy little man-boy that he was, Pentious pulls this enormous fucking laser...turbine….thing out of his blimp thingy and pointed it right at Al's head.
And then Al snapped his fingers, and summoned this…thing…
There's a lot of weird and gross shit in Old Hell. That was one of them."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"Al wasn't 100% bullshit. That reputation of his was earned. He knew of these places in the netherworld where one could summon a whole host of nasty shit, and it just so happened that one of them was right in front of the Hotel. Probably even came with the building, considering Lucifer used to own it."
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"I've done some freaky shit in my day...but that was on a whole other level. This huge fucking hole just opens up in the middle of the street, and this oily gross octopus fucker reaches out of the abyss and grabs that scaly fuck's blimp. You ever see a kid trying to break one of its toys because its pissed off? Yeah, it was like that, with a rather dramatic explosion at the end."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"You could actually hear Pentious screaming inside that machine of his. It was like rolling around a bunch of marbles in a tin can (which I'm pretty sure was just the Eggbois colliding with each other). Once the….abomination had its fun, it squeezed the dirigible like a tomato, with similar results. It left a crater in the middle of the street.
And the whole time, the whole time, that grin never left Alastor's face. Oh sure, his eyes dilated a bit and got all veiny, and he had blood pouring out of his hand (which was something I found out was pretty significant later on), but that grin never disappeared. If anything, it got toothier!"
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"Yeah, I missed most of it (as you can imagine), but I was there just long enough to see the explosion. It was so bright it was almost daylight for a moment. Charlie was speechless...as was Vaggie...and Anthony...really, we all were.
After a moment, Alastor turned around and looked at us like nothing had happened and asked 'Well, I'm starved! Who wants some jambalaya?'
It was pretty clear that he'd used up a good deal of power, so he was obviously hungry."
-Nina, custodian of the Hazbin Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'
"What can I say? Man made some amazing fucking jambalaya. It might have been spicy enough to strip the paint off of a wall, but it tastes good on the way down."
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"...And that was it. That was the first day of the Happy Hotel in full operation. In summary: we had a new shady business partner, his two shady goons, a door in need of replacement, and a giant hole in the middle of the street out front. Anthony had new eye candy, Charlie had a new maid, and I was pretty sure I had completely lost control over the situation.
After we started getting more guests, however, things became more normal. Alastor proved to be a pretty shrewd businessman, and Charlie never lost her confidence...at least, not in public. In private, she was always dealing with her feelings of inadequacy, and whether or not she could really measure up to her dad.
But she did. She not only could measure up to her father...she surpassed him.
As for Alastor...Those first few months, I frankly could not stand him. If it wasn't for Charlie being around, I don't think I could stand it.
Now? I miss him. I miss him a lot, and I know that Charlie does to. He changed quite a bit over the time we knew him. I just hope that, wherever he is, he was able to reconcile with his mother and is in a much better place...physically and mentally."
-Vagatha Magne, royal consort
"It took me a long time to really learn to love myself, to love other people without expectin' to be betrayed for it. I made hundreds of new friends in the Hotel, people I had known before and people I'd never met, and all of us shared somethin' in common: we were all broken people who had been hurt badly by others, and we all had to learn how to rebuild ourselves again.
And every time I tell this story...I never forget that Charlie chose me to be the first.
…..So, we're fixin to wrap this up, right? I gotta get back home and feed a bunch of piglets so..."
-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'
"I'm still really attached to this place. That's why I decided to stick around and turn this place into a museum. Charlie did a lot for me by offering a safe place for me to 'recover', so when she turned this place over to me I promised to keep it nice and tidy. But I really wanted to share the story of this place, and with the Royal Family's help I was able to gather a bunch of artifacts and stuff. In fact, we just recently got a bunch of new items about Charlie and Vaggie's wedding…"
-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'
"My last day at the Hotel bar, I made sure to make sure everything was nice and clean: all the glasses were spotless, the bar was dust-free, to leave it just the way it was when I first got there. I heard that Nina has since turned it into a permanent video display with a bunch of taped interviews of guests from the past, and apparently I get brought up more than a few times. I'd like to think that I wasn't as big of a sourpuss at the end but...well, fuck...you can only change so much. Not everyone can do a full 360 like Alastor could.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to the house and help Anthony feed Fat Nugget's kids…"
-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'
"I'd end up joining Anthony at the Hotel some years later. At it's best, that place was an absolute blast! At its worst...well, it was still safe, and it Old Hell safety was a luxury very few people could afford. I'd meet the love of my afterlife there (granted he had to go into hiding, but we're still in contact regularly). And it was all thanks to Charlie, who was willing to give me a chance when everyone else thought I was trying to blow the place up."
-Cherri Bomb
And so it is that we come to the end of our little tale, or at the very least the end of the beginning. Indeed, all generations who read these words will know that Her Highness's enterprise would flourish beyond her wildest dreams. All of the afterlife, and the realms seen and unseen, would be drastically altered by Her endeavor. Indeed, your humble author is himself a happy subject of Her Highness's benevolence.
But we still have so many other subjects to cover, and so many tales to tell. How former enemies would become great friends, how Her Highness would learn to reconcile with her Father, how her Father reconciled with his Father, and how the Creator would eventually be forced to come to the negotiating table to speak with Her Highness. The great confrontations with the Overlords, and of course the Radio Demon's ultimate fate.
But I fear that all of these tales shall have to wait, for I grow weary and my pen grows heavy. I have worked long into the night, and I can see the sun peaking over the horizon.
May Her Highness's reign shine just as brilliantly.
And so, for now, I lay down my pen.
-Adonisus, chronicler and scholar
To all readers of future generations,
Not all rainbows are unattainable.
Never stop dreaming!
-Charlotte Magne I, Queen of New Hell