Today's gift? A new season! And now it's review time!
Gucci Mane LaFlare: Thanks!
GuipaStories: If all of the jerks went at the beginning of the story, I'd have run out of decent antagonists years ago.
Joel Connell: Thanks! By "spy gadget" I meant "off-brand Swiss Army knife".
Sunday, January 14, 2018
"Last time on Total Drama – we sang to our heart's content! [Chris demonstrating the chimes] Four teams went on an epic scavenger hunt for items we've seen in the past and a few new ones, too! [Carrie finding the rubbing alcohol] Through song! Ella tried out for the Drama Brothers [Ella singing with Cody], Samey finally got her spine [Sammy telling off her sister], Phil doesn't like me [Phil bashing Chris through song], and apparently Brick is secretly awesome. [Brick singing, cut to Jo's shocked confessional] In the end, Team Amazon did the best, and Amy got the boot at long last! [Amy's elimination] But not before Emma tried to talk some sense into her [Emma attempting to comfort Amy], which apparently worked. [Amy deciding to get better last Aftermath, marking the first time an Aftermath clip has appeared in an episode proper]"
Chris stood at the Dock of Shame. "Forty-two contestants remain. Who's going to be the top dog and who's gonna be a rat in the garbage? Find out here on
"Total.
"Drama!"
Theme song
*Instrumental*
A camera appeared from the snow-covered bushes, scaring off a squirrel. Another came from a tree, startling a blue jay. The third popped out of the ground, but this time Harold jumped clear of it, only to hit his head on a low-hanging branch.
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
The camera flew across the snowy island, passing Chris looking out at the world from the comfort of his room, Brick trying to learn how to channel another song, Sam playing one of his videogames, Lindsay making a snowman, Crimson and Ennui staring blankly into space, and Shawn running away from a once-again awake Scuba Bear.
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think it's plain to see
DJ, Miles, and Laurie were one with the few animals still awake during winter. DJ looked at a drawing of Dawn he'd made for an art class and sighed wistfully.
I wanna be famous
Heather, Josee, and Taylor battled it out on the banks of the frozen lake in a snowball fight. Taylor ended up throwing her snowball at a tree, which dumped snow all over Heather, much to Taylor and Josee's delight.
*Instrumental*
Owen trudged across the ice covering the river, then slipped and faceplanted into the snowbanks. Geoff and Bridgette immediately rushed over to help him up.
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.
Jo and Zoey climbed to the top of Bluegrass Hill, where Jo let out a roar that triggered an avalanche beneath them. Jo smiled sheepishly at a confused Zoey.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Chef was making dinner, and Tyler, Sanders, MacArthur, Beardo, and Ella were eying his no-longer-deliberately-bad cooking hungrily.
'Cuz I wanna be famous
Sammy and Cody were making out, and with one of his hands facing backwards Cody accepted a high-five from Sierra.
Na na nana na na nana nana na na na na na naaaaah
Eva, Leshawna, Sky, and Jasmine worked out in the Drama Gym, although Sky was struggling with her weights.
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous
Alejandro had lit the campfire and was standing behind it ominously. Devin and Carrie, unbeknownst to him, were watching, and Carrie raised an eyebrow at Devin as if to say "See? I told you he was evil."
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous.
Topher chatted with Dakota, who was busy with intern work. Behind them, Scarlett was pushing around a snowblowing machine she'd recently invented.
*Whistling*
At the campfire, as the other campers I didn't have time to name looked on excitedly, Noah and Emma looked each other in the eyes...and Jen appeared between them to show off some new designs. Though slightly miffed, Noah and Emma shrugged and struck up a conversation with her.
"Your stay is now 50% of the way up!" Chris announced to the gathered teens at Zata Clearing. "Plus, we've expanded our budget again, and now the winnings will be worth TEN million dollars!"
"I barely knew what to do with one million dollars, let alone five!" Sadie exclaimed. "Now ten?!"
"Bold of you to assume you'll actually win," Heather scoffed.
"Hey, lay off my lackeys!" Taylor snapped.
"Ladies, ladies, please! Save the fighting for the challenge." Chris grinned wickedly. "Break into the Floating Salmon and the Confused Bears and I'll explain today's challenge!" After the campers did so, though, Chris put on a gas mask and sprayed something into the air.
Two hours later
Noah groaned himself awake. "Ugh. Is this what underage drinking feels like? Where are we?"
"Oh no," Laurie gulped. "We're on Boney Island."
"What makes you say that?"
"Oh, I dunno, maybe it's all the BONES?!" she exclaimed, picking up a broken ribcage, likely from a muskrat, and shoving it into his face for emphasis.
"I guess this is our challenge, then?" Geoff asked.
"Sort of!" Robot Chris appeared. "You guys will be paying an homage to the spy genre. The first part of today's challenge will be dodging lasers in the abandoned buildings on this island to find a bag of tools! You will need these tools to disarm a stink bomb that's blocking your way to the boat! The team to disarm their bomb first will win our third season's first challenge!"
"Will the lasers...kill us?" Harold asked meekly.
"No, but setting them off WILL turn on the sprinklers and believe me, being wet in the winter is NOT a good thing to be!"
Confessional – Sky.
"Great, how original, Chris is going to kill us with hypothermia," Sky sighed.
Confessional – Chris.
"Like I'm sending the REAL me to that dump of an island," the real Chris smirked.
Floating Salmon: Jasmine, Scarlett, Sammy, Topher, Sierra, Geoff, Leshawna, Alejandro, Justin, Brick, Crimson, Lindsay, Tyler, Jo, DJ, Sadie, Cody, Harold, Taylor, and Sam.
Confused Bears: Owen, Noah, Ella, Emma, Ennui, Heather, Devin, Carrie, Miles, Laurie, Eva, Sugar, Sanders, MacArthur, Zoey, Shawn, Sky, Jen, Bridgette, Beardo, Jacques, and Josee.
Floating Salmon
"Boney Island," Scarlett grimaced. "The base of operations for the military operation dedicated to dumping the toxic byproducts of warhead production outside of US borders."
"What?" DJ asked.
"People made nuclear bombs during the Cold War, what was left over from the bombs was left to rot on Wawanakwa, then the lifeforms started getting weeeeeeeeird," Cody explained, deciding to be funny in the last word of his sentence.
"That explains the wildlife," Justin remarked. "But what about here?"
"Well, we're further away from the radioactive waste than we were before, so there's probably fewer mutant animals and plants here," Cody mused. "But there are still probably a lot of nasty things like wolverines."
"Not looking forward to that," Sammy gulped.
Confused Bears
"Okay, where are the buildings in this place?" Sanders asked.
"I don't suppose anybody has a map," Noah grunted.
"No, but I have a path! Look!" Carrie exclaimed, pointing to a concrete sidewalk that, after decades of not being maintained, was horribly cracked and overgrown. "This must've been the walkway they put to make going between buildings easier. If we follow it, we'll find where we're supposed to get our stuff!"
"Great job, homie!" Devin complimented. "Let's go, gang! Oh, uh, when we get there which one of us should try to pass the lasers?"
"I'll do it," Sky volunteered. "Gymnast and all that."
Confessional – Devin.
"Hm...I know Carrie's been my best friend since we were little, but...did I like her idea even more than I normally would have?"
Confessional – Bridgette.
"Sounds like somebody's caught the love bug," Bridgette grinned.
After a few minutes, the Confused Bears reached a long building made of red-painted wood that was falling apart. "This must've been a warehouse of some sort," Jen remarked.
"It'd have to be for Chris to set up an elaborate laser trap," Heather snarked. "Of course, we need to make sure there are even lasers in there."
"We jus' open tha door!" Sugar snapped. She did so. "See? Nuthin'!"
"Not how lasers work, Sugar," Noah said. "Lasers are light. They're only visible if there's something in the air to scatter them."
"Should I?" Owen asked.
"Not a good idea. Farts are flammable," Emma replied. "Besides, the snow and dust on the ground are powdery enough to work." She scooped up a softball-sized clump of dirt and gently blew it into the building. Almost immediately, bright red lasers became visible, crisscrossing the empty space between the door and a black bag on the other side of the room.
"This should be easy enough," Sky, who'd been stretching beforehand, said as she inspected the lasers. "I'm small, and they seem to be spaced out enough so even Owen could make it through if he sucked his gut in."
"Yeah, but then I'd fall down," Owen pointed out.
"True." Sky quickly wove her way through the lasers and arrived at the other side, where she gingerly picked up the tool bag. Noticing a white button on the wall opposite the pedestal, she pressed it, disarming the lasers.
Confessional – Noah.
"How lucky were we to find our building?" Noah asked. He paused in thought. "Of course, Chris might've just made more than one building a laser trap..."
Floating Salmon
"Uh...guys?" Geoff asked. The Salmon had come across two buildings, what had once been barracks. Distantly in the backs of each one could make out a tool bag.
"Dunno," Leshawna shrugged. "Knowin' Chris, one of them's empty and the other one's ours. As for how we find out which one's which, I think the only thing we can do is get both at the same time."
Scarlett pulled out one of the citrus scent tubes, which were going unused now that the lustblossoms were dormant, and sprayed its contents into each building, making the lasers visible. "Sammy, Harold, you two have the optimal physiques and skillsets for retrieving them."
"Can do, my prodigial friend!" Harold saluted.
As he and Sammy entered each building, Cody had a thought. "I get the skills, but I'm shorter than Harold. Shouldn't I have gone?"
"Your head is too large," Scarlett replied simply.
"My head's not THAT big! ...is it?"
Sammy and Harold eventually came out of the barracks. Sammy's bag was empty, while Harold's had the tools. "Hey, wait a minute. We could use the empty bag during the second part of the challenge!" Harold realized.
"How?" Jo scoffed.
"Never underestimate the power of what is void," Crimson declared monotonously.
"And never underestimate the advantage you're getting, either!" Chris added, sauntering over. "While the Confused Bears may have gotten their tools first, you guys are gonna get an extra tool that they will not because of the events that transpired during the last Aftermath. What will it be? Find out after these messages."
"Is now really the best time for a commercial break?" Jasmine asked, raising an eyebrow.
Do da do da doo. Commercial break!
"And we're back!" Robot Chris announced to the audience. "Time to show the Floating Salmon what they've won!" He pulled out a teal piece of plastic with the approximate dimensions of the average baby carrot. "Behold, your spy gadget!"
"What is it?" Alejandro asked, confused.
"Don't tell me you've never seen one of these before!" Chris began unfolding its many thin metal attachments. "This baby's got a pocketknife, nail file, scissors, tweezers, toothpick, two kinds of screwdriver, ruler, chisel, magnifying glass, can opener, sewing needle, hook, mini saw, pen, annnnd wire stripper!"
"Sheesh, that seems a bit excessive," Tyler remarked.
"Not really. A wire stripper's gonna be pretty useful for disarming a bomb," Topher pointed out.
"And there definitely isn't one in the bag," Harold confirmed after pawing through it.
"Good that we're on the same page," Chris remarked dryly. "However, since your team found your tools second, you guys get five minutes less time to disarm your bomb than the Confused Bears. And when it comes to bombs, every last second counts. So chop chop!"
Confessional – Cody.
"Hope I don't have to be the guy who does it," Cody shivered nervously. "I didn't technically get over my fear of stinkbombs. Well, at least Sierra's not going to interfere with my life anymore, so that's good."
The teams met at the derelict dock. In front of their respective boats were two trashcan-sized (and made) bombs, each resting on a table. The Floating Salmon's bomb was painted lime green, while the Confused Bears' was painted a faint, almost tropical light pink.
"Here's how part two of the challenge is going to go down," Robot Chris explained. "Each team will have one person disarm their bomb using the tools in their tool bag and ONLY their tools. Each bag contains a hammer, crescent wrench, flathead screwdriver, Phillips-head screwdriver, and slip joint pliers."
"No needlenose pliers?" Alejandro asked, cocking an eyebrow in confusion.
"Didn't wanna make defusing them THAT easy."
"I see, of course."
"Kiss-up," Noah muttered under his breath.
"Your job is to do something to this bomb to stop its countdown. Whoever does so successfully wins the challenge! If you don't, you're out! Any questions?"
"What if BOTH of us disarm the bombs?" Josee asked.
"If both bombs are disarmed, then whichever team spent more time disarming them, as evidenced by the number on the bombs' timers, will lose. Any other questions?"
"Can the rest of us leave while the one guy disarms it?" Taylor grouched.
"Nope! Any further questions?"
"Where is our extra time going to go? Is it a headstart?" Sierra asked.
"Nope, it's at the end! Any more questions? I don't have all day, you know!"
"Will the team that loses be left behind on Boney Island?" Topher asked. "Because I think that's a thing you would do."
"And it would be, too, if it weren't for the network saying I had to be 'more fair'," Chris growled. "Questions are over! Choose your bomb clod!" Topher shrugged and stepped up to the table. After some deliberation, Shawn, having the most experience with creating zombie traps, stepped up for his team. "Alright, good. Let the countdown begin!" Robot Chris pressed a button on his remote and the bombs began counting down.
Confessional – Noah.
"Reeeeeal smooth, Topher. Way to make Chris angry. I'd hate to be on his team today."
Confessional – Topher.
"I hope I didn't make Chris too mad...aw, why am I even worrying about making him angry anymore? His pedestal broke months ago."
Shawn studied the bomb's guts. "Hm..." Among the various electronics were two particularly thick wires, one covered in red rubber and the other in blue rubber. These were obviously the ones that sent the information to the explosive part of the bomb; when the timer finished counting down, they would trigger the chemical reaction that would detonate the bomb and cover everybody in foul stench. "Well, red is the one used in movies, but I think Chris might try to trick us that way..."
"Hurry up, would you?" Heather griped. "The sooner we get that thing disarmed, the BETTER!"
"Okay, sheesh!" Shawn grumbled.
"Ha!" Topher smirked. "This is gonna be so easy. Thanks for the strategy, Shawn!" He flipped out the spy gadget's wire stripper and set to work scraping away the covering of his bomb's blue wire.
Confessional – Lindsay.
"They know more about bombs than me. I would've just chosen the blue wire because it was prettier."
Confessional – Sierra.
"I hope Topher chose the right wire. I know Chris just as much as he does. And Chris would ALWAYS try to trick the contestants on his shows by doing one thing one way and the other thing the other way. But then sometimes he'd do BOTH the SAME way..." She groaned. "Gah, I'm so confused!"
"Tell us something we DON'T know," Noah snarked from outside the confessional.
Four minutes later
When enough of the wire was exposed, Topher simply switched it to the scissors and snipped the copper wire. The timer went out.
After struggling to figure out how to cut the blue wire of his bomb, Shawn had an idea. Using his hammer, he pulled the innards out of the trash can body. He held it down with the pliers and smacked the claw end of the hammer into the wire repeatedly until he broke through. The timer stopped almost immediately.
"Okay, it seems like we have a tie!" Robot Chris announced.
That's when everybody noticed that while the timer on the Salmons' bomb had gone out, it was still ticking, and the bomb was shaking...even more violently than it was before. In just a few seconds, it blew, and everyone smelled like an unholy mixture of wet garbage and garlic.
"You REALLY think I WOULDN'T give you guys different ways of turning off the bombs?" Chris guffawed. "Or that if you cut the wrong wire, you'd make it detonate faster?!"
"It ain't funneh!" Sugar snapped.
"It is to me. Since the Confused Bears actually disarmed their bombs, they win today's challenge! Meet me at the campfire at eight, Floating Salmon, it's time to vote someone out!"
Sometime later
The campers returned to the island, where Chef and the real Chris waited. "Yeesh, you do stink," Chris grimaced.
"Didn't you already know that?" DJ asked, confused.
"Chef, fire up the tomato baths!" Chris barked, deciding to avoid DJ's question.
"Nuh-uh, Pretty Boy," Chef groused. "I ain't wasting perfectly good tomato sauce, that's a waste a' money!"
"You were able to afford a 200% increase on our already 500% increased prize money, I'm sure you can afford that much tomato sauce," Emma retorted.
"B'sides, it doesn't actually work too well. Maggots, get to the communal showers and start washin'. And bring your hairdryers, you're gonna need to be Atacama dry in this cold."
Communal Washrooms
"So who should we vote off?" Geoff whispered to Leshawna from his stall.
"Topher's supposed to be the guy who knows all about Chris, right? Then why did he forget that Chris would do something like switch which wire set off the bomb?"
"We all, like, slip up some days."
"We can't AFFORD slip-ups on this show, honey. One wrong move could get somebody hurt. And I don't mean intentionally like what Mal did to Cam."
"Right," Geoff nodded.
A few minutes later
Team E-Scope was also working on their voting plans. "I'm torn between Alejandro and Taylor," Tyler confided in Brick and Lindsay. "I mean, Alejandro's a big challenge, but at least he tries to win it for us."
"Dishonestly, if I may be so bold as to add," Brick replied.
"You may. Well, Taylor doesn't really do much. She's basically Heather minus any ability to strategize."
"But she might learn to when there aren't too many of us left," Noah said from a stall further over. "We know most of what Alejandro can do, and we know he gets worse the more desperate that he gets. But Taylor? She's an unknown. We don't know what she's like in competitive environments like this."
"She brags a lot, so we know that," Lindsay interrupted.
"Yes, thank you, Lindsay, for pointing out the obvious."
"You're welcome!"
Noah sighed. "Look, when we get to Season Four there are only going to be twenty-one of us left. That's eleven eliminations before the merge happens and we lose the ability to vote. Do you really think Taylor isn't going to do whatever it takes to get one of those spots?"
A pause.
"No, I don't," Brick said finally. "You're right. We should get rid of a threat before it even realizes its power. Then we can work on...bigger issues."
Luckily, Taylor hadn't heard any of this, as she'd already bathed.
Unfortunately, Alejandro had, and frowned.
A few hours later
"Joanna, my friend," Alejandro began as his team went to vote. Jo promptly slapped him. "Ow! What was that for?"
"For calling me that stupid name! Too girly!"
Alejandro sighed. "My apologies. I was going to advise you to vote for Topher tonight."
"I was kinda plannin' to anyway seeing that he screwed us over, but why should I?"
"Topher is a mental threat."
"You sayin' I'm dumb?"
"Not at all. I'm saying he knows far more about Chris than anyone our age has any right to."
"Didn't he say his dad used to write for him?"
"That is, as you say, besides the point. If Topher stays, he will continue to use his knowledge of Chris to go further in the game than either of us would otherwise. Don't you think that's just a small amount of unfair?"
"Well, when you put it that way..."
Confessional – Alejandro.
"With half of my competition gone, only the wily remain," Alejandro explained as he wrote TOPHER on a piece of paper. "It is simple natural selection that keeps people like myself in longer." He smirked darkly.
Confessional – Jo.
"Yeah, I don't trust Al even a little bit. The longer I'm here the more I'm startin' to wonder if he really cares about anyone other than himself." She wrote TOPHER on a piece of paper.
Confessional – Scarlett.
"Alejandro is no doubt increasing the number and severity of his machinations. I had better prepare for them." She wrote ALEJANDRO on a piece of paper.
Confessional – Jasmine.
"Topher made a mistake, but it was a pretty easy one to make," Jasmine explained. "I heard the Misfits say they wanted Taylor out, and I do too. She doesn't do anything herself." She wrote TAYLOR on a piece of paper.
"Here's how we do eliminations," Chris said. "We use the marshmallow system here. When I call your name, come get one." Closeup of five colored marshmallows. "The marshmallows are color-coded to show how many votes you got because drama can't hide from a spy. White means no votes against you, and the recipients are Jasmine, Sammy, Sierra, Geoff, Leshawna, Justin, Brick, Crimson, Lindsay, Tyler, Jo, DJ, Cody, Harold, and Sam." The people he'd called up got their marshmallows.
Next, Chris pointed to the two blue marshmallows on the plate. "Blue means you received only one vote against you. Sadie receives her first vote against her, and Scarlett receives her sixth."
"So you are keeping track of them," Scarlett mused as she got her marshmallow.
"Um, duh!" Next, Chris pointed to the lone green marshmallow. "Green means you got more than one vote, but are still safe. This time, we've got one. Well, actually, Taylor's got four."
"WHAT?!" Taylor shrieked.
Two marshmallows were left on the plate. "Orange means you're close to being eliminated, and red means you were. Alejandro. Topher."
The two boys glared at each other.
"Alejandro, you're quite strategic! Topher, not so much. It's seven against six...
...
...
...
...
"And it looks like Alejandro is safe another day! Sorry mini-me, but you're gone for good."
Confessional – Alejandro.
"Another plan that has worked successfully," Alejandro grinned. "Who needs an alliance when you've got this brain?"
On the boat, Topher silently glared at the island as it shrank away from sight. "Chris," he growled, "you are no longer my idol."
"What a day this has been!" Chris said. He stood on the Dock of Shame. "Forty-three down. Forty-one remain. Who'll end up with gold fingers and who will be bound to lose? Find out on
"Total.
"Drama!"
He turned around and walked forward, then heard a squelch. He looked down and saw that he'd stepped in some leftover stink solution that was still unfrozen. "Ewwwwww, my best boots!"
Votes:
Jasmine – Taylor
Scarlett – Alejandro
Sammy – Alejandro
Topher – Sadie
Sierra – Alejandro
Geoff – Topher
Leshawna – Topher
Alejandro – Topher
Justin – Topher
Brick – Taylor
Crimson – Topher
Lindsay – Taylor
Tyler – Taylor
Jo – Topher
DJ – Didn't vote
Sadie – Scarlett
Cody – Alejandro
Harold – Alejandro
Taylor – Topher
Sam – Alejandro
Results: 7-6-4-1-1 Topher-Alejandro-Taylor-Scarlett-Sadie
Eliminated: Staci, Leonard, Tammy, Leshaniqua, Spud, Chet, Dakota (ii), Phil (r), Ellody, Rock, Rodney (t), Anne Maria, Mickey, Jazz (r), Max, Mary, Junior, Zeke (t), Beth, Brody, Scott, Lauren, Brady, Lorenzo (t), Katie, Trent, Kitty, Gwen, Dave, Courtney, Tom, Dawn (t), Izzy (r), Jay, Lightning, Stephanie, Cameron (nj), Ryan, B (ii), Mike (q), Duncan, Amy, Topher
Known active immunity idols: Josee (Crimson), Owen, Carrie, Tyler, Sammy, Lindsay, Devin, Eva, MacArthur, Ella, Beardo (Noah), Geoff (Geoff), Justin (Ella)
Bonus clip:
"We smelled worse than a cheese factory," Owen mused that night in bed.
"Owen, go to sleep," Noah grunted from his bed.
"Oh. Okay." And then he did just that.