Happy new year! And now it's review time!
Lara2244: Thanks! Sugar will elude elimination until after Alejandro's gone, sadly, but Noah's going to figure out what she did in this episode! I'm going to do a Valentine's Day challenge somewhere in here, and there'll be a redone Sunday Bloody Sundae somewhere during the Final Ten. And your English is actually really good!
WeirdAlfan101: Nope, Cody and Sammy will get to be together again soon!
Joel Connell: Thanks! I don't know when I'll reveal why Harold's middle name is Doris, probably during an Aftermath in the trivia section; it seems like the most natural place to put it.
Gucci Mane LaFlare: Thanks! I wanted to use Larry somewhere, and this felt like the right time to use it.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
"Last time on Total Drama – we met Larry! [Chris showing the contestants a picture of Larry; cut to the Grouchy Ghosts fighting it] The kids went out on an impossible task: retrieve a flower from a plant whose location they didn't know! [Justin complaining about how long it was taking to find Larry] Thanks to Shawn's keen eyesight [Shawn recalling what he saw in the photograph], the Grouchy Ghosts found Larry and took its first flower! [Crimson picking the flower, much to her barely-visible displeasure] Then Alejandro took initiative [Alejandro stealing the flower] and won it for his team! [the Magnificent Monsters being declared the winners] The Ice Dancers [the Ice Dancers talking to Heather] wanted Sierra out [Sierra being nervous], and when she blundered [Sierra getting her team sent to elimination] it was all they needed [Josee talking to Jo; cut to Heather talking to Taylor] to vote her out. [Sierra's elimination]"
Chris walked over to the VR machine. "Today we'll be having our fiftieth challenge, and you know what that means. That's right, it's another trip into the Total Drama Virtual Reality Generator." He entered the main room and strapped one of the VR helmets on.
A flash of light, and the scene shifted to a world that was various shades of brown, orange, and green. Chris, wearing a referee uniform, walked in, petting a creature resembling a nuthatch crossed with a glazed donut; a donuthatch, if you will. "Our special fiftieth challenge will be the main course of today's episode! Twenty-six contestants remain. Who's going to become the next top chef and who'll be sent to heck's kitchen? Find out here on
"Total.
"Drama!"
He removed his hand. "Ewww, I'm all sticky!"
Theme song
*Instrumental*
A camera appeared from the sugar-covered bushes, scaring off a marshmallow rabbit. Another came from a tree, startling a gummy butterfly. The third popped out of a hole in the ground, unearthing a turnip that fell off and rolled on the ground a little.
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
The camera flew over a lake filled with various fish. Above them, Brick put a gummy worm on a hook and cast off, eventually reeling in a red gummy fish.
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think it's plain to see
Jen danced a tango with a gingerbread man. When the tango was done, she ate its head, but the gingerbread man was still animate. In the audience, Shawn fainted at the sight, so Harold produced an onion to wake him back up.
I wanna be famous
Josee and Taylor threw carrots like darts at a dartboard with DJ's face on it. DJ saw them and gulped nervously.
*Instrumental*
Sam picked an ear of candy corn and put it in a skillet. It promptly caught fire instead of popping.
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.
Miles shook a sunflower, dislodging its seeds. As she started eating, a flock of tuna cans with yellow wings and bird feet (can-aries, if you will) suddenly appeared. Miles gulped nervously.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Noah and Emma scaled a waterfall, only instead of water it was orange juice.
'Cuz I wanna be famous
Cody sighed at a statue of Sammy, which was made entirely of cheese.
Na na nana na na nana nana na na na na na naaaaah
A jellybean jumped around like a Mexican jumping bean; suddenly, a hole appeared in the shell and a moth made of potato chips popped out. Scarlett, observing the moth, wrote down some more notes.
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous
Sugar sang into a microphone made of a chicken leg, which was promptly stolen by a macaque made of monkey bread. Sugar shook her fist at the monkey and was replied with a fig to the face.
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous.
Jo pet a dog made of pepperoni, but when a cottonmouth snake made of cottonseed oil appeared, the dog panicked and jumped onto her head, much to her annoyance.
*Whistling*
At the campfire, as the other campers I didn't have time to name looked on in anger, Alejandro and Heather looked each other in the eyes...and then Owen suddenly appeared and ate the entire scene. He winked at the camera.
VR Building
"Okay guys, we're bringing back our food group teams, so go to them!" Chris barked. The kids did as they were told.
The Godly Grains had orange paper circles with a male loaf of bread with an excited face, a bowtie pasta as a bowtie, wings made of macaroni, and a donut for a halo.
The Vile Vegetables had green circles with a Jolly Roger with a turnip for the skull and a stalk of celery and a leaf of lettuce for the crossbones.
The Fab Fruits had red circles with a female apple puckering her lips, a necklace made of currants looped around the base of her nonexistent neck and a leaf was slicked over for her hair.
The Outrageous Oils had yellow circles with a bottle of olive freaking the heck out.
And the Mighty Meats had purple circles with a steak with drumsticks for legs curling its biceps; its arms were made of clams.
"The Delightful Dairy've all been eliminated," Leshawna remarked.
"I know, so Sylvester and Joseph will be taking their place." He handed the two interns with blue paper circles, featuring an ice cream cone cheering silently for something.
"Yay," Sylvester deadpanned.
"So what's the challenge for today, Chris?" Brick asked.
"I'm glad you asked! You'll be fighting food!"
"Fighting with food, sir?"
"Nope! Fighting animate food monsters!" Brick's eyes widened in surprise. "Each team will have to fight one of four designated monsters for their team. Three of them will be the same for each time they're rolled, while the fourth is a random monster taken from elsewhere. Whichever team wins the most of their fights wins! Whichever team loses the most fights votes someone out."
Miranda pressed a button once everyone had their helmets strapped on, and footage of a fighting arena appeared on the canvas screen...
Godly Grains: Brick, Sky, Jasmine, Jen, and Zoey.
Vile Vegetables: Jo, Crimson, Ennui, Shawn, Sugar, and Josee.
Fab Fruits: Jacques, Justin, Miles, Leshawna, and Cody.
Outrageous Oils: Sam, Alejandro, Taylor, Heather, DJ, and Geoff.
Delightful Dairy: Sylvester and Joseph.
Mighty Meats: Emma, Scarlett, Noah, and Harold.
The kids materialized in a vibrant world, primarily composed of various shades of orange, brown, and green. Every now and then a line of blood red, pale pink, or light yellow broke up the monotony. "What is this place?" Zoey asked.
"I think it's a world made entirely out of food," Sam remarked, pulling up a brown lump that was stuck to the ground, revealing that the material beneath the brown crust was alabaster white. "See? The ground is fried chicken." He took a bite out of the lump. "Huh. It doesn't taste like anything."
"Well, yeah, I don't think this machine is that advanced," Jo scoffed. "Where's Chris?"
"Right here!" Chris appeared, now in his referee uniform. "Follow me, gang!"
Sometime later
Sam had finished his chicken lump by now. "I know it doesn't taste like anything," he offered Cody by way of explanation, "but I was bored."
"That explains a lot about your figure," Alejandro remarked, eying Sam's pudgy stomach disdainfully. Sam glared at him in response. "Just making an observation based on your statement."
"Here we are!" The boys turned their heads to see Chris standing on a square arena that seemed to resemble a white ceramic plate. "This arena right here is where you'll be fighting! Winning will be decided by percentages of fights won, so if a team with two people wins even one of their fights, they've got a score of fifty percent."
"Meaning that we must be careful not to tie with anyone," Josee concluded.
"Correct! We're going in order of assignment, so Godly Grains, you're up first!"
Godly Grains
Brick, Sky, Jasmine, Jen, and Zoey stood to the side. "We're doing this alphabetically, so Brick, you're up first, man."
Brick got onto the plate. "Are you sure using a plate as an arena was a good idea, Chris? It doesn't seem very stable."
"Relax, Brick! This thing would weigh a hundred tons in real life, you'd need to be really big to flip it over. Anyway, let's go over the rules. If you're down for more than three seconds or get thrown out of the ring, you lose. If your opponent is down for more than three seconds or get thrown out of the ring, you win. Any questions?"
"Just one. What will I be fighting?"
"I'm glad you asked!" Chris produced an orange wheel with four figures on it, one of the figures being a red question mark outlined in white. "Your opponent could be the Croissant Crusader! [he pointed to a picture of a croissant with two spindly legs and a mace in its right end] The Sinner-mon Roll! [he pointed to a figure made of bread in the shape of a stereotypical devil with a cinnamon roll, unrolled, for a whip] The Kernel! [he pointed to a yellow-skinned humanoid wielding a corncob like a rocket launcher] Or a mystery monster! [he pointed at the question mark]"
Chris pulled out his remote and pressed a button. The wheel spun and landed on the Kernel. A takeout box fell from the sky, landing on the arena, and opened up to reveal a yellow humanoid whose skin was covered in yellow and white corn kernels with red kernels for eyes, dressed in an army uniform made of corn husks. It growled at Brick with the sound of popping popcorn. A rocket launcher of his own suddenly appeared in the Cadet's hand. "Oh, and also, you get the same weapons as our monsters, to make things a little more fair."
"Okay," Brick said as the two humanoids paced in a circle, facing each other. "We've both got only three cobs, so we have to be careful." He loaded his first cob and fired it at the Kernel, and the blast knocked off its right arm. "Ooh! Sorry!"
However, without its right arm, the Kernel had to set down its rocket launcher to load it, although it was still unreasonably fast. It fired at Brick, narrowly missing him. "Eep!" Brick quickly reloaded and fired again, this time breaking the Kernel's chest in half. The Kernel slumped to the ground, unresponsive.
"Brick, you get a point!" Chris announced. "Jasmine, you're up!"
Confessional – Jo.
"Wow, Brick really has been stepping up lately," Jo pondered. The confessionals were held in a kitchen sink. "I guess the mass elimination really got to him or something."
Jasmine got Random. "And it looks like Jasmine will be the first person to face one of our non-regulation monsters!" Chris announced. A hooded figure appeared onstage in a puff of smoke, resembling a Grim Reaper made entirely out of burnt, blackened flour, wielding a scythe of similar composition. "Behold, the Reaper!"
Jasmine smirked when her own scythe appeared in her right hand. "Now we're talkin'." And so she fought it in a fury of blades that left her the winner.
Jen was up next against the Croissant Crusader, surprised to find that her own mace was as light as a regular piece of bread, probably because it was actually a donut hole on a stick with crystallized sugar for spikes. However, her brain still thought that it was a regular mace, and therefore followed the same laws of physics. As a result, Jen swung her mace at the Crusader harder than she should have, and although its narrow, anteater-like head bore a noticeable dent afterwards, her mace went flying.
"Uh...no hard feelings?" she squeaked.
The Crusader replied by hitting her with its mace and sending her flying out of the arena and into a nearby muffin, sticking her into the car-sized piece of quickbread face-first, legs flailing outside of it helplessly.
Sky, being a master gymnast, easily dodged the strikes of the Sinner-mon Roll's whip. The creature, a horned humanoid with an arrow-tipped tail who was made of a similar type of bread as its whip, frosting in the place of its eyebrows and goatee, growled with the sound of baking bread. Then Sky lashed out her own whip again, managing to get it coiled around its neck. With a quick tug, the Sinner-mon was decapitated, its head bouncing onto the ground.
"Wow, very brutal, Sky!" Chris called from the audience. "I like it!" The Sinner-mon, still alive, rolled its eyes in frustration.
Zoey had also gotten Random. "Rice is one of the most commonly-eaten grains in the world, so it's high time we show off what it can do." A mass of rice clambered out of its box, resembling a large felid, and landed on the ground. "Behold, the Wild Rice!" The monster roared with the sound of boiling rice.
"Boo!" Chef said from the sidelines. "Bad pun, Pretty Boy!"
Zoey gulped. "Chris, where's my weapon?"
"Zoey, it's a tiger made of rice. It doesn't have a weapon of its own," Chris shrugged. Zoey whimpered as the tiger advanced in her direction.
Confessional – Zoey.
Zoey grimaced at the camera. She was covered in scratches, her (thankfully virtual) clothing was torn, and there was rice in her hair. "Some days I wish I'd been voted out in Season One."
"Okay, with Zoey having lost miserably to the Wild Rice, I can safely say that the Godly Grains have won three out of five possible fights. Therefore, their score is sixty percent! If you beat that, you're guaranteed to be safe!"
"And if we don't?" DJ asked nervously.
"Well, that depends on who the lowest score is at the end of the day's challenge. Remember, there are six teams in all; one of them is guaranteed to be the bad one. Anywho, Vile Vegetables, it's your turn!"
Confessional – DJ.
"Yeah, that, that wasn't very encouraging."
Vile Vegetables
Jo, Crimson, Ennui, Shawn, Sugar, and Josee stood to the side. "Okay Ennui, you're up!" Chris announced.
"Why? I thought we were doin' this alfibet'clee," Sugar asked.
"'Crimson' is just a nickname. Crimson's real name puts her behind Josee," Chris explained.
"You never bothered before," Crimson commented, somewhat audibly angry.
"Darling, it's not worth expending effort in fighting," Ennui said, somewhat audibly gentle for once. Crimson sighed but argued no further. "What beast could I be facing?"
Chris summoned the spinner. "Let's see...ah, these are some good ones! Besides our mystery monster we've got: the Cab-rage! [he pointed to a picture of a furious blue-green humanoid with a cabbage for a head] The Curly Fry! [he pointed to a picture of a golden-brown humanoid covered in various orange-tinted curly bits and wielding a large one in its left hand] And the Beet-Boxer! [he pointed to a picture of a fuchsia humanoid with a boxcutter in its right hand]"
The spinner spun. "And it looks like we'll be staring off with the Cab-rage!" The box that fell was punched open by the Cab-rage, which appeared to be made entirely out of Cannonball cabbage leaves. Two white cabbages adorned its hands like boxing gloves; Ennui received two purple ones. The leafy monster roared with the sound of rustling leaves and charged Ennui, swinging wildly and recklessly.
Ennui was able to quickly dodge the cole's swings and eventually struck it in the head, causing the bunched-up leaves to flatten out and the beast to fall down. "And...time!"
Jo was next. She got Random. "Lettuce leave! Hm...nah." A humanoid appeared, one that looked similar to Cab-rage. However, this one's leaves were a lighter, yellower shade of green, its head was tall and narrow like romaine lettuce, and it was armed with a chain made from carved-up lettuce roots. "Behold, the Lettuce Guardian!"
"This isn't good," Jo gulped upon receiving her own chain. "I'm not that good with this kind of weapon. Oh well, gotta make the most of it."
And she did, leaving the Lettuce Guardian tied up in a pair of chains.
Josee got the Curly Fry. "That thing is not even French," she growled at the creature. The creature hissed back with the noise of frying food and lunged at her. The large fry in its left hand functioned like a drill on a stick, and Josee was only able to parry it for so long.
After all, Josee was not left-handed, but the Curly Fry definitely was.
Crimson got random. "Carrots are the world's most popular vegetable, and here's a sample of its wide variety of colors." A snow white humanoid with curly green leaves in the shape of a bishop hat appeared, its eyes an imposing yellow. Residing in the various bandoliers covering its narrow body were knives carved from carrots, knives of orange, purple, yellow, red, blackish-blue, and white. "Behold, the Bishop's Root!"
Crimson quickly pinned the Root to the ground by its leaves with only three red carrot-knives. "Wow," Geoff said from the side, impressed. Crimson grimaced at Chris and took a bite out of one of her black carrot-knives, daring him to mention her real name again.
Shawn got the Beet-Boxer, whose boxcutter was revealed to have been formed from two beet leaves with a blade made from a golden beet in the center. Shawn did his best to dodge the Boxer's blade and jab at it with his own, but the thick flesh of the Boxer's Crosby Egyptian taproot body was almost impenetrable. It also had a tail formed from the main root, a tail that Shawn forgot existed until it had wrapped around his wrist and thrown him to the ground.
Sugar got Random. "Y'know, many spices are technically vegetables, since they're made from ground-up leaves and stuff. Our next entry is no exception." A feminine figure armed with a candy cane emerged from the box, its body composed of jagged, soft green leaves. "Behold, the Spear Mint!"
"That's even worse than your last one!" Heather guffawed. "Chef was right, you are bad at puns."
"Sh-shut up!"
Sugar decided to lick her hands so she wouldn't lose her grip on her weapon. Big mistake. She quickly lost her balance and fell. The Spear Mint looked confused but shrugged it off and smacked Sugar on the butt with its own spear. The sound that the hit made was loud and comical.
"The Vile Vegetables have won three out of six possible fights. Their score is fifty percent. Godly Grains, you're safe from elimination!" The GG cheered. "Next up, the Fab Fruits!"
Fab Fruits
Jacques, Justin, Miles, Leshawna, and Cody approached Chris. "Cody, my man, you get to go first! Hope that black eye doesn't mess with your depth perception."
"Dude, not funny," Cody deadpanned.
"Your potential competitors aside from a mystery monster are: the Georgia Peach! [he pointed to a yellow-orange humanoid with soft red markings and a shotgun in its right hand] The Grapes of Wrath! [he pointed to a pack of multicolored spheres with angry-looking faces] Or the Molotov Cranberry Cocktail! [he pointed to an anthropomorphic glass bottle filled with red liquid and with a flaming paper towel sticking out of its neck]"
The spinner spun, and Cody wound up with the Peach. It was dressed like a stereotypical hillbilly, soft red markings covering its Ruby Prince-composed face as though it were a mask, sporting a long beard made of golden fur. It was clad in clothes made of peach leaves, it wore a peach flower for a hat, and its gun appeared to be made from a twig. Cody got a similar gun.
"Begin! Remember, you only have five bullets."
Cody quickly fired his gun at the peach. The bullet, resembling a miniature peach pit, embedded itself in the Peach's gut, causing amber yellow pulp to splatter onto the ground. The Peach snarled with the sound of a peach getting bitten and fired back, but Cody dodged, reloaded, and fired again, this time causing a hole to emerge in the Peach's neck. It fell to the ground dead.
"I think I've gotten my mojo back," Cody said, standing taller and prouder.
Confessional – Harold.
"Cody is like, made for shooting challenges. It's by far his maddest skill."
Jacques got the Grapes. There were about twenty of them; two were ruby-red Flame Seedless', two were large, pale fuchsia Red Globes, two were light yellow-green Sultanas, two were small, indigo Black Corinths, two were golden Muscats of Alexandria, two were cylindrical, bluish-black Moon Drops, two were massive dark red Ruby Romans, two were yellow-green Cotton Candies, and two were pointy brownish-purple Witch Fingers. The grapes were much larger than normal grapes were, the small Black Corinths being about the size of a Syrian hamster and the large Ruby Romans being about the size of a large cat. They all bore simple angry faces consisting of small, beady black eyes like Chris', long, thin, black eyebrows twisted into the angry position, and thin, black mouths.
"You do not scare me!" Jacques grinned. "I could just kick you!" He proceeded to try to kick one of the Muscats of Alexandria and felt pain. He looked at his foot to see that the berry had many long, thin, and extremely sharp teeth inside its mouth, and it was biting his foot.
The other nineteen grapes proceeded to bear their own teeth, roared with the sound of grapes being microwaved, and jumped, knocking Jacques to the ground and giving him a heavy beatdown.
Justin got Random. "You know, botanically speaking 'fruit' only refers to the part of the plant that contains the seeds," Chris said. "This includes some...surprising examples. Not just tomatoes, but cucumbers, peppers, squash, pumpkins, okras, eggplants, kiwanos...oh, and beans."
A massive creature slithered out of the takeout box and up to Justin. It was a Flageolet bean pod, only much longer and thicker, on par with an adult Titanoboa. It had a single pair of eyes, one on each side of the pod. It roared with the sound of boiling beans, its vertical mouth splitting open, revealing hundreds of thin, razor-sharp teeth and a single light green seed split halfway down the middle for a forked tongue. "Behold, the Pythonpod!"
Justin screamed in terror.
Leshawna got the Cocktail. It sneered at her with the sound of fizzing soda, then pulled out a match, lit it by striking it against its bottom, and lit its paper on fire.
"I think I see what's goin' on here," Leshawna said upon getting her own rag, which was about the size of a comforter. "I gotta protect myself from when you go off." She wrapped the rag around herself and proceeded to run in place. The Cocktail eventually blew itself up, sending shards of glass flying everywhere, one of which sliced through a nearby stalk of broccoli that proceeded to fall over in half, burying Brick underneath its florets.
"I'm okay," Brick said weakly from underneath the broccoli. Chef shoved the broccoli off of him. "Thanks, Chef."
"No prob, maggot."
The cocktail, still animate, noticed that without its bottle, it was naked. It squeaked with the sound of a soda bottle being opened and hastily used the burnt remnants of its rag to cover itself before it slid away.
Confessional – Shawn.
"It's not every day that you feel sympathy for a murderous pint of fruit juice."
Miles got Random. "Nuts are usually fruits too, they're just dry. Sometimes, though, they're seeds. And one particular nut that's popular with vegetarians isn't exactly eco-friendly."
A creature resembling the Peach appeared, only its body was green and its skin leathery, a turban and robe made from almond leaves covering its body. It held a hose-like contraption made from twigs in its right hand. "Behold, the Almond Drainer!"
Miles got the same device. "What does this...do?" she asked, turning its faucet. The Almond Drainer was desiccated in almost an instant and flopped to the ground unconscious. "Oh. It...sucks water out of things. How does that relate to almonds?"
"It takes over sixteen thousand liters of water to produce a single pound of almond seeds," Scarlett explained.
"Wow, that's...that's bad."
Confessional – DJ.
"Note to self: when I get back home, I should have the Environmental Club do an almond boycott."
"The Fab Fruits have won three out of five possible fights. Their score is sixty percent. You have tied with the Grains and are safe from elimination!"
"But who's going to win if we end up tying?" Jen asked.
"We have three teams left to go, my friend."
"I'm not your friend."
"And if the Oils win four fights, the Dairy win both of theirs (somehow), or the Meats win three fights, they'll win. But which prediction will come true? Find out after these messages."
Do da do da doo. Commercial break!
"And we're back!" Chris announced to the audience. "Three out of six teams have fought against various culinary cryptids in a bid to see who gets eliminated today. Right now, it's the Outrageous Oils' turn to show us what they've got!"
Outrageous Oils
Sam, Alejandro, Taylor, Heather, DJ, and Geoff looked at Chris with intrigue. "Alejandro, my man, you're up first!"
"Naturally," Alejandro grinned cockily. "Who could I be up against?"
"Besides our mystery monster, you could be fighting: the Canola Candlemaker! [he pointed to a bottle of canola oil with limbs and a face who was brandishing a candle like a sword] The Buttered Behemoth! [he pointed to a large, gorilla-like mass of butter] Or the Greasy Eel! [he pointed to a fried American eel dripping with oil]" The spinner spun, and Alejandro got the Behemoth.
The mass of butter glared at him, an expression intensified by its brow ridge. It then started to chase Alejandro around the arena – not by running, but by sliding on its large feet, making the ground beneath it slippery.
However, as time went on, Alejandro noticed that the longer the Behemoth chased him, the smaller it became. Smirking, he decided to turn this into a battle of attrition: his ability to stay upright versus the Behemoth's ability to hold itself together.
Eventually, a very buttery Alejandro stepped on the Behemoth, which had been reduced to the relative size of a mouse. The noise caused his teammates, who'd fallen asleep due to how boring the fight had been, to jolt awake.
Confessional – Alejandro.
"I'm quite happy that this challenge is virtual," Alejandro grimaced as he wiped himself off. "This much butter would not be good for my skin."
Confessional – Noah.
"Yeah, Chris, we all know you didn't want Al to get the eel," Noah snarked. "It would've been too obvious that way."
Instead, the Eel went to DJ. The fish was large, like the Pythonpod, but it wasn't that large; it was only thirty feet long, after all. It wriggled and writhed, dripping with warm fish oil that caused it to reek.
"Ugh!" DJ coughed. "I wonder how that thing can breathe out of water."
"Deej, it's a reanimated corpse, it doesn't need to breathe," Chris replied. Hearing this made Shawn faint.
Since it was technically already dead, DJ didn't feel very bad about fighting it. In the end, he won, crushing the Eel's ribs under his punches and forcing it to the ground.
Geoff got Random. "This meat is world-famous for being greasy," Chris explained. A humanoid made of bacon, dressed like a magician, emerged from the box, wielding a wand made from a pig's tibia. "Behold, the Bacon Artist!"
The Bacon Artist seemed to be capable of turning various things into pork, as a shot that missed Geoff by inches hit a nearby giant pineapple and turned it into a giant ham. Another shot turned a mass of shredded cheddar cheese into a mass of pulled pork.
"I dunno if this'll work!" Geoff gulped as he fired his own wand at the Artist, fearing that, since it was already made of pork, nothing would happen. Luckily, something did happen, and the Artist turned into a non-anthropomorphic pile of bacon. "Oh...it did. Man, that's so chillaxin'."
Heather got the Candlemaker. Its candle-sword seemed to be made of margarine instead of wax. Heather got a candle-sword of her own and quickly burned her right hand on one of its drippings. "OW!" She dropped her candle to wave her hand, which was exactly enough time for the Candlemaker to swipe at her with its own candle and send her to the ground in pain as she clutched the virtual burn mark on her left arm.
"HA!" Taylor guffawed.
Sam got Random. "Ah, Sam, for you I prepared one of the classic gamer foodstuffs." The box opened to reveal an orange humanoid dripping with yellowed oil. On closer inspection, its body seemed to be made of cheese, with two black olive slices for eyes, basil for hair, pieces of green peppers for teeth, a slice of purple onion for a nose, pepperoni for eyelids, and clothing made of a different, whiter kind of cheese including a long, billowing cape. Its weapon was a wooden peel. "Behold, the Pizza Supreme!"
Sam got a peel of his own and began swinging at the Pizza, quickly taking off its scalp, revealing that it had bread for bones and tomato sauce for blood and viscera. Feeling the top of its head and coming back with reddened fingers, the Pizza roared with the sound of a pizza cutter cutting through crust and swung at Sam, striking him in his kidneys.
"That's gonna be a headache when I leave this place," Sam winced, but he fenced with the Pizza nonetheless before he swung hard enough to crack its breaded ribcage. The Pizza fell to the ground in pain and Sam was declared the winner.
Taylor got Random as well. "Taylor, we've also got something nice and greasy for you." A humanoid fried shiitake mushroom emerged from the box, its limbs long and fibrous. "Behold, the Deep-fried Matango!"
"Why a mushroom?" Geoff asked.
"It's not an animal nor is it a vegetable, and it's def not a mineral either, so I had to stick it in this round," Chris explained nonchalantly.
Taylor tried to hit the Matango, but its tendrils quickly ensnared her and covered her entire body in a fungal cocoon. It then began to bash her into the ground repeatedly until it decided that it had had enough.
"Outrageous Oils, you have won four out of six possible fights. Your score is sixty-seven percent. This puts you in the lead for now, so if no one else beats your score, you're a shoe-in for the win! Now it's time for my interns to try and prove themselves!"
Delightful Dairy
"I don't like this," Sylvester groaned.
"Just be thankful you're not going first," Joseph replied.
"Good luck."
"Thanks, I'm gonna need it."
"Okay, interns!" Chris announced, clapping his hands together and rubbing them quickly. "Here are your potential opponents besides our mystery monster: the Ice Screamer! [he pointed to a pale pink humanoid screaming, its mouth as big as the rest of its entire body] The Creaming Cheese! [he pointed to a light yellow humanoid dressed like a wrestler] Or the Milk Maid! [he pointed to a white-skinned female humanoid armed with a milking machine that was held like a scourge]"
Joseph got Random. "And it looks like we're having ourselves a mystery monster!" Chris decided. The box dropped and splattered open in a mass of mauve. Emerging from it was a humanoid figure resembling an athletic woman made entirely out of mauve-colored yogurt. It wore a tank top and tights made from a paper label (it apparently had a five-digit calorie count), was barefoot, and had two blueberries for eyes. "Behold, the Blueberry Yogini!"
"What's a yogini?" Leshawna asked from the sidelines.
"It's the female counterpart of a yogi," Harold explained.
"They use different words for that? Huh, I never knew."
Because of the Yogini's fluid composition and his lack of a weapon, landing a hit that dealt lasting damage was hard for Joseph to do. However, he found that his large size and its light body meant that its hits barely hurt him. "Wait a minute, it's got two solid pieces that I can hit!" the intern realized halfway through his fight. He swung his hand through the Yogini's head, knocking out the only solid pieces of its body: its eyes. The disembodied eyes blinked as the Yogini dropped to the ground and felt around for them.
"And...three! Joseph wins!" The Yogini eventually recovered its eyes and bowed to Joseph, who didn't know what to do. He hastily bowed back, which seemed to satisfy it.
Confessional – Joseph.
"What's the proper etiquette for accepting a concession of victory from a sentient dairy product?"
Sylvester got Random too. "However, there's nothing saying that Random can't mean multiple combatants," Chris said as all three of the named entries approached.
"I hate you," Sylvester sighed. Like the Yogini, the Screamer, Cheese, and Maid were all made of fluid substances, with the Screamer having two Maraschino cherries for eyes, stubble made from rainbow sprinkles, and waffle cone bits for teeth, the Cheese wearing a luchador mask and underwear made from slices of fake yellow cheese, and the Maid wearing a dress made from a black-and-white milk carton.
Perhaps Sylvester would've won against one of these hard-to-damage beings, but he absolutely couldn't win against three of them.
"Delightful Dairy, you have won one out of two possible fights. Your score is fifty percent. Mighty Meats, it's your turn to feel the pain!"
Emma, Scarlett, Noah, and Harold looked at Chris expectantly. "Well?" Emma asked. "Who might I be fighting?"
"Gimme a second!" Chris was busy remodeling the spinner. "Okay, now we're done! Emma, besides our mystery monster you could be facing: the Sauce Sage! [he pointed to a sausage wearing a wizard hat and wielding a wand] The Chicken Ender! [he pointed to a light brown humanoid armed with a broadsword] Or the Escargantua! [he pointed to a gray snail that was missing its shell]"
Emma got the Escargantua, which was so big that its head stuck out of its box. It resembled a normal edible snail except it was missing its shell, was about twenty feet tall at the tallest point (which was its naked, gray spiral), and it dripped with a green fluid smelling of butter, garlic, and parsley.
Emma sighed. "I'll go poke its eyes out." She walked up to it and poked its left eye. Surprisingly, that worked: the snail reared up in pain and was so top-heavy that it fell out of the arena, landing on a mass of cheese puffs that crumbled under its weight, sending debris everywhere.
"Wow, that...worked?!" Emma realized that she was covered in cheedle. "Huh, I guess orange really is my color."
Harold got the Ender, which was made entirely of processed, breaded chicken. Its arms were triangular and fingerless, its head of a similar shape, while its legs looked like two normal chicken legs. Its nose was made of a chicken nugget and two burn marks formed its eyes; it had no mouth to speak of. Its sword was revealed to have been carved from a chicken femur, and Harold got a similar sword.
Due to his thinner, more rounded body, Harold was able to dodge, whereas the Ender seemed to be sluggish and weak. Eventually, Harold snuck up on it from behind and shoved his sword through its head. The Ender collapsed to the ground, white chicken leaking out of its injury.
"Ewwww!" Taylor cringed. "Nugget brains!"
"You didn't gag when the Peach got shot, or when the Kernel lost its arm," Heather noted.
"Shut up!"
Noah got the Sage. Its hat was made from a sausage casing, its robe seemed to be made from chipped beef, and its wand was a bratwurst. "So, I'm guessing you do something with sauce?" Noah asked, inspecting his own bratwurst. He fired it at the side of the arena, coating it with ketchup. "Well, that answers that question."
He turned around to see the Sage firing ketchup at him, and barely avoided being hit. He fired back, knocking the Sage backwards an inch, but it stayed standing. He fired again, getting ketchup in its eyes. As it sheathed its bratwurst to furiously rub at its eyes, the Sage suddenly found itself being tipped over. "Enjoy your trip," Noah quipped as the Sage came crashing down on the ground.
"Out of bounds, Sage," Chris said to the Sage. The Sage responded by drawing its bratwurst and firing at the host point blank.
Confessional – Sky.
"That's the funniest thing I've seen all week!" Sky laughed.
Confessional – Chris.
"It wasn't THAT funny," Chris whined as he washed his face in the sink.
Confessional – Sam.
"You're right. It's even funnier!" Sam guffawed.
Once Chris had gotten cleaned up, Scarlett got Random. "Well now, remember the bee pupae from our Chinese challenge? Guess who's coming over for dinner?" The box opened, revealing a car-sized fried bee pupa. It suddenly cracked, and emerging from the pupa was an enormous honeybee made entirely of white paste. "Behold, the Zom-Bee!"
Shawn shrieked in horror and cowered behind Jasmine. His scream seemed to agitate the Zom-Bee, which began buzzing furiously before lunging at Scarlett, grabbing her with its mandibles, and taking off. "How are you able to fly?!" Scarlett exclaimed. "Your wings haven't even formed in the pupa stage yet!" The bee paid no attention to her complaints and simply dropped her. Scarlett landed painfully on her arm; thankfully, it was just virtual, although when she'd leave the world her arm would be quite sore for a few minutes.
"Mighty Meats, you have won three out of four possible fights. Your score is seventy-five percent. Therefore, you win!" A flash of blue light...
And everyone was back in the real world as Chris finished declaring the victors. "Your prize? A trip to Humpty Dumpty's Meat Shack, specializing in quality egg products since 1935!
"Godly Grains, Fab Fruits, Outrageous Oils, you're all safe with scores between sixty and seventy percent! Your prize? A combination of your teams' foodstuffs: fried banana sandwiches!"
"Ew," Geoff grimaced. "Bananas."
"Vile Vegetables, Delightful Dairy, you're both tied for third place at fifty percent. But it's obvious that the Vile Vegetables lose today's challenge."
"What? How?!" Josee shrieked.
"Simple. Sylvester and Joseph aren't contestants, they're interns that we used as placeholders because the Dairy don't have any of their actual contestants still in the game. Therefore, the team doesn't really exist or matter."
"Then why did we have to play?!" Joseph asked through gritted teeth.
"Eh, I think someone's been sneaking personal clips into the episodes and I wasn't sure who." Off to the side, Phil and Dakota gulped nervously. "Or I'm just being paranoid over nothing. Oh well, drama's drama. Meet me at the campfire at eight, Vile Vegetables, it's time to vote someone out!"
Chef grimaced at the sandwiches he'd just finished making. "These are just nasty," he muttered, but shrugged it off and put them on a plate. "Chow time, maggots!"
As the kids got in line for their dinners, Josee glared at Alejandro from her table. Even though Chef was no longer deliberately cooking badly, the losing team tended to get simpler, less elaborate dinners. Hers was just a piece of spam on a bun. "Alejandro's élimination de masse may have brought us closer to the merge," she growled, "but it's also allowed Chris to pull this sort of mischief more easily."
Noah noticed Josee's glare. "Well, that's certainly encouraging," he said under his breath.
Confessional – Ennui.
"I do believe that Sugar should go tonight," Ennui droned as he wrote SUGAR on a piece of paper. "Shawn and Josee lost as well, but at least they tried to win, and Sugar is far more...dangerous than Josee is at the moment."
Confessional – Shawn.
"Sugar's gotta go," Shawn said as he wrote SUGAR on a piece of paper.
Confessional – Josee.
"As unhappy as I am about Alejandro messing up, I still believe that Noah's petite alliance needs to become even smaller." She wrote SHAWN on a piece of paper.
Confessional – Crimson.
"Do I even need to say it?" Crimson asked, writing SUGAR on a piece of paper.
However, the moment she was gone, Sugar snuck in and swapped Crimson's ballot for one reading SHAWN. She made a shushing motion to the camera deviously.
"Here's how we do eliminations," Chris said. "We use the marshmallow system here. When I call your name, come get one." Close shot of two colored marshmallows out of six. "The marshmallows are color-coded to show how many votes you got because drama is the nutrient most people never get. White means no votes against you, and the recipients are Jo, Crimson, Ennui, and Josee." The four teens got up and took their marshmallows.
"Blue means you received only one vote against you. Green means you got more than one vote, but are still safe. Once again, neither are present today." Two marshmallows remained. "Orange means you're on the chopping block, and red means you're done. Shawn. Sugar."
Sugar leered at Shawn.
"Shawn, your scream may have gotten Scarlett hurt. Sugar, no comment. With half as many votes...
...
...
...
...
"Shawn is eliminated!"
Confessional – Jo and Crimson.
"That doesn't make any sense!" Jo exclaimed. "I voted for Sugar!"
"As did I," Crimson confirmed. "As did my boyfriend, and Shawn is unlikely to have voted for himself."
"Which means..." Jo screamed. "AW, [H WORD]!"
"Sugar strikes again!" Chris stood in the Mess Hall, holding a fried banana sandwich in his hands. "Fifty-nine down. Twenty-five, that's half of fifty, remain. Who'll beat the beets and who'll get flushed down the toilet? Find out on
"Total.
"Drama!"
Chris took a bite out of his sandwich and recoiled. "BLECK! This is gross!"
"Told you so," Chef called from offscreen.
Votes:
Jo – Sugar (VOID)
Crimson – Sugar (VOID)
Ennui – Sugar (VOID)
Shawn – Sugar (VOID)
Sugar – Shawn (VOID)
Josee – Shawn (VOID)
Results: 4-2 Sugar-Shawn (VOID)
Eliminated: Staci, Leonard, Tammy, Leshaniqua, Spud, Chet, Dakota (ii), Phil (r), Ellody, Rock, Rodney (t), Anne Maria, Mickey, Jazz (r), Max, Mary, Junior, Zeke (t), Beth, Brody, Scott, Lauren, Brady, Lorenzo, Katie, Trent, Kitty (t), Gwen, Dave (ii), Courtney, Tom, Dawn (t), Izzy (r), Jay, Lightning, Stephanie, Cameron (nj), Ryan, B, Mike (q), Duncan, Amy, Topher, Sadie, Laurie, [Owen, Carrie, Sammy, Tyler, Lindsay, Devin, Eva, MacArthur, Ella, and Beardo] (ii), Bridgette, Sanders, Sierra, Shawn (r)
Known active immunity idols: Josee (Crimson), Geoff (Geoff), Justin (Ella)
Future eliminations immunized against: Alejandro (5)
Bonus clip:
Back in the virtual world, the Sinner-mon had finally reattached its head using unbaked dough. "I don't get paid enough for this crap," it sighed in a nasally, masculine voice as the Croissant Crusader used a creme brulee torch to bake the dough hard. The Escargantua was dozing, with the Zom-Bee resting on its head in an almost cute way.
"Yeah," agreed the Cocktail in a husky, Finnish-accented voice as it poured itself into a new glass bottle body. "We don't."
"At least you got to fight," the Spear Mint groused in a soft, feminine voice. "Mine knocked herself out."
"And I got dried out in the first ten seconds," sighed the Almond Drainer in a masculine, Iranian-accented voice.
"Yeah, but at least your teams weren't used for a loophole," griped the Blueberry Yogini in a deep, feminine, Gujarati-accented voice. "How rude of that human to do such a thing to his own employees!"
The next day, in the real world, Noah and Emma were enjoying breakfast together. "Happiness is eating an egg sandwich with pancakes for bread with your girlfriend," Noah decided as he took a bite out of his food. Scarlett and Harold were at another table in the distance, comparing notes on one of Scarlett's latest inventions.
"It'd better be," Emma chuckled. "Otherwise I'd be out three dollars for nothing."
Noah grew serious and swallowed. "Hey, Emma? I think I figured out how Alejandro found my idols."
"How'd you figure he did it?"
"He didn't." Emma did a double-take. "Sugar found them by chance during the aliens challenge. She must've tripped over a hole or something and uncovered them, or something else, I don't know. But why didn't she use them herself? I think the elimination last night proves why. Sugar wants to get to the merge, so she gave Alejandro the idols but made him promise not to vote for her again ever, or else she'd tell everyone about how he found them."
"And he was desperate enough to make you upset that he did it," Emma finished. "What do we do now?"
"Easy. Here's how we'll start..."